A/N: It's all come down to this: rescuing the final Star Spirit and taking the crazy journey to Bowser's Castle and the big fat finale. But first, before that, just where do Mario and friends need to go to rescue Kalmar? Instead of wasting your time with this annoying question, I'll conveniently answer it in one of the following beginning paragraphs. Fish paste.

---

Chapter 7: A Star Spirit on Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin Ice

"So…Where to next, guys?" asked Goombario the next morning. Mario and co. where honestly unsure where the seventh Star Spirit would be found, so they only shook their heads sadly. While the nine of them moped around part of Toad Town, Merlon the magician suddenly ran out of his house and over to Mario.

"Please, Mario, you MUST come to my house quickly! It's very urgent!" cried the ancient man. All the adventurers obediently followed, but Watt quietly thought to herself, Gee I sure hope this guy isn't Michael Koopson because if he's luring us to his super duper awesome mega cool house with the super cool spinning roof then I don't wanna ever ever ever know what'll happen in there oh no siree!

After entering the magician's house, Mario and friends were about to sit down, but gasped at the sight of a small Ninji in Merlon's small house.

"Ninji!" Mario shouted. "What're you doing out of Subcon?! You should be back in Super Mario Bros. 2 jumping up and down like an idiot in one fixed place until I throw a radish at you!"

"What in the world are you talking about, man?" said the Ninji. "The name is Harold the Ninji, and I was born to the second generation of Ninjis."

Mario looked dumbly at Harold.

Harold sighed. "You know," he said, "the generation of Ninjis AFTER all that Subcon crap?"

"…Oh," said Mario, pretending to understand when he really didn't know a damn thing the Ninji was talking about.

"Well, Mario, Harold didn't come here just to argue, you know," said Merlon. "You see, he came here from Starborn Valley over in the Shiver region."

"…Oh," Mario said again.

"Merlon is right, Mario," said Harold. "You see, I came here to inform you that we have seen that the seventh Star Spirit, Kalmar, has been kidnapped and brought to some area near Shiver City. I suggest you go there if you really desire to defeat Bowser and save the world."

"…Oh," said Mario a third time, a little quieter now.

"Shut up," said Merlon.

"Sorry," Mario mumbled.

"Well, if you saw Kalmar being brought to wherever he is now, these villains certainly aren't good at keeping these kidnappings very secret," said Goombario.

"Tell me about it," agreed Harold.

"Oh boy we get to go to Shiver City oh boy did you guys know that those super duper crazy and messed-up Gulpit things live over there oh man I totally can't wait oh yeah!" said Watt.

Merlon chuckled. "I see one of you is quite excited to go over there," he said. "Anyway, when you reach the Shiver region, I suggest you immediately go to Starborn Valley and meet my son, Merle. He will most likely know where Kalmar is imprisoned. Oh, those poor little Star Kids…They'll never ever rise up into the sky without the Star Rod or the Star Spirits' help…"

Bow and Sushie were quite sympathetic members of the party, and they started to sniffle quietly at this last comment of Merlon's. They quickly dragged the other partners out the door, but Mario stayed to ask one final question.

"Just how do we get to Shiver City?..." asked Mario.

"No problem-o, Mario," said Harold reassuringly. "Just find a cold, icy area deep in the Toad Town Tunnels, and there should be a pipe in there. Hop in, and you'll be at the Shiver region faster than that blue-shelled Koopa on that pink Bob-omb chick in bed."

Bombette heard Harold from outside, angrily rushed in to bomb him, and all nine adventurers left for the town sewers as Merlon waved goodbye.

---

Toad Town Tunnels

After finding a Super Block hidden in Toad Town's pond and Ultra-ranking Goombario, Mario and co. progressed throughout the tunnels, finding 4 Super Blocks along the way and Ultra-ranking Kooper, Sushie, and Watt with them. Along with destroying 3 powerful Bloopers and finding the Ultra Boots power-up, Mario and the partners finally found the door to the icy room in the tunnels after several hours of hard searching. Another Super Block was found in the icy room, and after quickly Ultra-ranking Bombette, the group slid into the large pipe leading the way to Shiver City.

---

Shiver Region - Shiver City

"Gee, th-th-they d-don't c-c-c-call it th-the Sh-shi-shi-shiver R-region for n-nothing," said Parakarry through chattering teeth as he hugged himself to try and keep warm in the harsh snowy and freezing weather plaguing the city the group entered. Mario naturally had no clue where Starborn Valley was located, so he walked into a random house on the farthest left side of Shiver City to ask for directions. At first, it seemed nobody was inside, but then a purple female penguin with an apron walked out of the back room and greeted the adventurers.

"Greetings, adventurers!" said the penguin. "My name is Mayor Penguin's Wife, and I'd be glad to let you stay with my husband in the back room as I make some coffee even though you're a total stranger and you could do anything to my great husband if my back was turned!"

"…Thanks, ma'am," said Bow, really not knowing what to say at first.

"So what are you waiting for? Go on, the back room is over there," the penguin said kindly, motioning over to the door she entered through. Mario and co. obediently walked into the other room, but noticed an old blue penguin with thick gray eyebrows and a large hat lying motionless on the ground. There was a present near him, and a note in his hand had "Herringway" quickly scrawled onto it. And of course, he had that clichéd "XX" look on his face, as he was apparently dead.

The mayor's wife came back in the back room holding a tray, saying, "Okay everyone, who wants milk and coo—" and then she stopped dead at the sight of her husband on the ground. The tray fell to the ground with a loud shatter, and Mario turned around to see what was the matter.

"MY HUSBAND IS DEAD!" the mayor's wife shrieked. "HE'S DEAD, NOW THAT HIS LIFE HAS PEAKED!" She turned to Mario and pointed at him, saying, "I know it was you, 'cause I'm not that dim!"

"But how could it be me?" said Mario in confusion. "He was already dead when I came in, and that's the conclusion!"

"I don't believe you at all, you mangy killer!" shrieked the wife. "You're even worse than Michael Koopson in the video for 'Thriller'!"

"Okay, what's up? Why're we all rhymin'?" asked Goombario with perfect timin'.

"I don't know, and I don't care," said Mario as he massaged his hair. "Okay, author, we're seriously tired of this!" he said, so I stopped making them rhyme before they all got really pissed.

"Thank you," said Kooper.

No problem, dipshit.

"Alright, what's up, folks?" said the Shiver City ranger, a green penguin with an earflap hat, as he walked into the room. "I was watching the game, and I heard a very loud shriek and a lot of irritating rhyming coming from next door, so I naturally decided to investigate."

"It was HIM!" cried the mayor's wife, pointing to Mario.

"Again, I ask you this: How could it be me?!" said Mario in exasperation. "When I walked in here, he was already lying on the floor with that 'XX' look on his face."

"He does that every afternoon," said the wife. "But I KNOW he's dead this time because he isn't moving or breathing!"

"Uh, right then, folks," said the ranger. "Alright, tell you what: The fat plumber is restricted from leaving the city along with all his little friends, and we'll hold a funeral service for Mayor Penguin tomorrow. You oughta be lucky, Ms. Mayor's Wife. Think of what you'll inherit from him!...But you're not inheriting his Paper Mario porn collection. I've got dibs on that."

Mayor Penguin's wife cried loudly as the ranger went into the front room to have some milk and cookies, and she yelled at Mario and co. to get out of her house immediately. They did so, and as soon as they all set foot outside again, citizens all around were giving them dirty looks, and the usual cheerful music of Shiver City was now a sad, dark, waltz-ish type of music playing out of nowhere.

"Sorry, you murdering scum, but I'm not letting you leave," said the Shiver City gatekeeper. "Starborn Valley is conveniently located beyond this point, and you were clearly told by the ranger that you are restricted from leaving."

"THE POWER RANGERS?!" shouted Lakilester, who had been sleeping through the whole Mayor Penguin death incident. "WHERE?!!"

"Hmm…" said the gatekeeper. "Tell you what: The Lakitu dude can go to my house and watch Power Rangers, and you guys can stay out in the cold and freeze your asses off."

Lakilester smirked, stuck his tongue out at Mario, and gleefully floated over to the gatekeeper's nearby house. Mario groaned and went over to the frozen pool in the city. He was pretty bored, so he used his brand-new Ultra Boots and three powerful Tornado Jumps on the ice, and it broke apart completely. Sushie noticed something at the lake's bottom, swam down to get it, and rose back over the water to give none other than a warehouse key to Goombario.

Goombario unlocked the nearby warehouse with the conveniently retrieved key, walked in with Mario, and went upstairs to find nothing. However, Kooper bounced off a spring upstairs, and Mario irritably followed him, with all the other partners following behind. They all landed on the warehouse's snow-covered, slippery roof. Before they could scramble back up, they all slid off the roof and down through another chimney in the neighboring house. All nine of the adventurers landed in a burning fireplace and howled loudly, immediately catching the attention of a dark-greenish penguin with thin, spiky white eyebrows that was in the attic.

"Who goes there?" said the penguin calmly.

"Long story short, the name's Mario, and you're busted, pal," said Mario, brushing off his severely burnt behind. "Come with me!"

"Huh?" said the penguin.

"You're the Shiver City novelist, Herringway, correct?" Sushie asked the penguin.

"Yes," said Herringway.

Sushie squealed like a small girl, fainted briefly, and got back up to ask for Herringway's autograph on her chest.

"Uh…Alright then," said Herringway, obeying Sushie's slightly suggestive request and scribbling his name on her chest with a red permanent marker.

"I'm your biggest fan, Herringway!" squeaked Sushie. "Oh my God, please tell me you'll be performing at Lavalava Island soon!"

"Um…okay," said Herringway uncertainly. Sushie fainted again.

"Apparently, you're also a rock star," said Parakarry.

"Unfortunately, yes," said Herringway sadly. "Damn paparazzi. Anyway, what exactly am I busted for?"

"You killed Mayor Penguin!" said Kooper, accusingly pointing at the novelist.

"WHAT?!" yelled Herringway angrily. "I did NOT kill the mayor!"

"Uh-huh!" said Mario.

"Nuh-uh!" said Herringway.

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"That's quite enough of that!" roared Bow.

"I'm Mayor Penguin's best friend! We always used to egg houses and go on panty raids together!" cried Herringway. "I'd never kill my best buddy! I think it's time for ME to investigate…"

The writer jumped out his window, and Mario and co. looked down to see that he didn't hit the ground safely, and was lying limp on the snow in a puddle of blood.

"Oh, son of a bitch…" Bow muttered. "Not another murder to be accused of…"

"Let's just run like hell back to the mayor's house!" suggested Kooper. With no time taken, everyone agreed and did so.

Back at the mayor's house, the mayor's wife was still mourning over her husband, the mayor was still dead, and the ranger was still shoveling cookies into his mouth as he watched a tape from the mayor's porn collection of Goombella and Kooper getting it on. Mario and friends stormed into the house, and Kooper immediately froze when he saw what was on the TV.

"OH…OH MY GOD!" he screamed. "WHO IS THAT SLUT?! YOU ALL KNOW THAT BOMBETTE IS MY ONLY LOVE!"

"Actually, I'd prefer her being your love than me, even if I don't know who she is and is most likely a character from the sequel to this weird adventure," said Bombette. "Okay, people, we're back here to find out the culprit of this mystery once and for all!"

"How many times do I have to say that your Italian friend is the culprit?!" said the mayor's wife.

"About 250 more times or so," said Parakarry.

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"Thanks for wasting nearly 4 pages of material, lady," Parakarry grumled, turning to the ranger. "We know who did this to Mayor Penguin," he then said. "It was Herring—"

"Now, now, what's all the fuss over here?" said a voice from the back door. The ranger, Mayor Penguin's wife, Mario, and the partners all turned around and gasped repeatedly when they saw that the voice belonged to no one other than…MAYOR PENGUIN! DUN DUN DUUUUN!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!" the mayor's wife screamed. "MY HUSBAND IS A GHOST! MY HUSBAND IS A FREAKING GHOST!!"

Mayor Penguin just laughed. "No need to worry, dear," he said. "I'm not dead, and sure as heck ain't a ghost."

His wife hugged him tightly, and so did the ranger, for some very odd reason.

"So, Mr. Mayor, just what happened?" said Goombario.

"Well…Let's see…My memory's slightly fuzzy, but here's what happened…" began the mayor. "Okay, so you know that present over there in the back room?"

The partners and everyone else nodded.

"Well," the mayor continued, "It was a gift for my good friend Herringway. I was trying to put it on a shelf and attach the note that said 'Herringway' to it, but I lost balance on the crappy ladder and fell over, getting a fatal head fracture."

"But…if you really were dead, dear," said the wife, "how—"

"The power of video games, dear," said Mayor Penguin, "the power of video games." He patted his wife's back to comfort her.

Just then, Herringway surprisingly ran into the room. "MAYOR!" he cried. "YOU'RE OKAY AFTER ALL!"

"Heh, heh, I sure am, Herringway," said the mayor. "I just had a little accident when putting your present up on the shelf!"

"A present?...FOR ME!?" cried Herringway. "SQUEEEE!" He ran into the back room to find the gift.

"Herringway?!" said Kooper in disbelief. "I thought he died when he jumped out of—"

"The power of video games applies to EVERYONE, pal," said the mayor.

"Right…" said Kooper.

Another joyful squeal came from the other room, and Herringway came back out with…a Michael Koopson tickle doll. Mario realized the repellant had worn off, and he ran screaming like a little girl out the door of the mayor's house.

"I'm so very sorry for the trouble caused to you folks," the mayor kindly said to the partners. "You may now exit the city and find the last Star Spirit!"

Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Bow, Sushie, Watt, and Parakarry cheered victoriously and started to leave and look for Mario and Lakilester. Before they left, the mayor's wife said, "And I don't want you guys murdering any more people in my darling's city!"

"Don't worry, you've got street gangs for that!" said Bow as the seven partners went back out into the city.

"I was just kidding…" Mayor Penguin's wife angrily muttered.

---

Shiver Snowfield

After finding Mario in an outhouse and Lakilester in the gatekeeper's living room, the group continued through a small, frozen wasteland known as Shiver Snowfield. They hadn't trekked through much of it when a familiar face ran up to Mario…

"Who are you?" Mario asked Jr. Troopa.

…Huh? Mario, you idiot…

Mario said, "Oh. Right. Hey there, Jr. Troopa!"

"Hey there yourself, scumbag!" said Jr. Troopa. "I'm now back and more powerful and annoying than ever!"

"And how exactly is that? Who are you, anyway?" asked Lakilester.

Jr. Troopa glanced at the Lakitu's cloud license, which said "LAKILESTER".

"HA!" the young Koopa shouted triumphantly. "Lakilester?! What a terrible name!"

"The name is SPIKE!" cried Lakilester. "And Jr. Troopa isn't that much of a good name either."

"At least I actually use the name my momma gave me," said Jr. Troopa. "Mario! Now's about the time that I finally kick your ass!"

"Bring it, shorty," said Mario.

"SHORTY!?" screamed the persistent villain. "I'LL SHOW YOU!"

---

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 35 FP: 35

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Jr. Troopa HP: 50

"Okay, here comes!" Jr. Troopa said. He suddenly pulled a long magic staff out of nowhere…Ugh, not THAT magic staff, you pervert…

So like I said, he pulled out a staff and held it toward Mario. "I may have traded in my wings, my spike hat, my grenades, my guns, and everything else for this magical staff, but it'll do well against you. Bye-bye!"

Mario uses Mega Smash. Does 9 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage.

"Mmm…darn," said Jr. Troopa. "Take this!"

Jr. Troopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 7 damage to Mario.

"Ow, I admit you've gotten pretty strong…" said Mario, clutching his chest.

Mario uses another Mega Smash. Does 9 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 4 damage.

"Half of my HP gone…already?" whined Jr. Troopa. "Now you're in for it…"

Jr. Troopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 7 damage to Mario.

Mario uses yet another Mega Smash. Does 9 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.

"Ulp…oh no…" said Jr. Troopa, gasping for air.

Jr. Troopa uses Frantic Magical Projectile Attack. Does 7 damage to Mario and knocks out Watt for 3 turns.

Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 5 damage.

Sushie uses Belly Flop. Does 4 damage.

Jr. Troopa uses Frantic Magical Projectile Attack. Does 7 damage to Mario and knocks out Sushie for 3 turns.

"One more hit and you're done for!" cried Jr. Troopa. "You ready?!"

"Ready as I'll ever be," muttered Mario.

Mario uses Jump on Jr. Troopa. Does 4 damage.

"Well, this sucks," said Jr. Troopa before he fainted on the icy ground.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

---

It wasn't too long before the defeated Jr. Troopa frozed up in a case of ice, and the gang kept going through the snowfield. They were just about to reach Starborn Valley when a fat, black, glittering ghost appeared before them.

"AAAAAAH!" shouted Kooper. "It's the ghost of the Pillsbury Doughboy!"

"SHUT IT, YOU!" snarled the ghost. "I'M NOT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY! I AM MONSTAR, NOTORIOUS MONSTER OF SHIVER SNOWFIELD! YOU'RE DOOMED, FOOLS!"

---

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 35 FP: 35

Goombario

Lakilester

Sushie

Watt

Bow

Bombette

Kooper

Parakarry

VS.

Monstar HP: 20

Mario tickles Monstar's belly button. Monstar chuckles.

Parakarry tickles Monstar's belly button repeatedly with everyone else. Monstar chuckles so hard that he eventually explodes.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

---

Parakarry laughed. "Not the Pillsbury Doughboy, huh?"

Mario and co. entered Starborn Valley and were immediately amazed by the beauty of the place. Star Kids were flying around everywhere and playing games, Ninjis were frantically running after them, glowing neon lights were attached to each and every building…It was breathtaking.

"This way, Mario," said a nearby magician who looked remarkably like Merlon, except his beard was more golden-yellow than white. The magician walked over to his house, unlocked all eighteen locks on the door, shut off the alarm, destroyed the Anti-Intrusion Auto-Laser Machine, and beckoned to Mario and co. to come inside. They did, and the man settled them down and got out some coffee.

"You may already be aware of this, Mario, but my name is Merle, son of Merlon, father of Merlow and Merluvlee, uncle of Merlee, descendant of Madame Merlar, second cousin of Merloopy, stepbrother of Mervin, half-nephew of Smokey Goombison—"

"We get it," interrupted Mario. "So you really are Merle?"

"The one and only, pal!" said Merle. "Alright, here's the info: Apparently, Kalmar the Star Spirit has been brought to the faraway Crystal Palace by followers of the villainous Crystal King. However, the only way to get there is by going through Shiver Mountain, and the only way to get to Shiver Mountain is to use this scarf and another item from Mayor Penguin to keep the snowmen warm."

YOU GOT THE FABULOUS SCARF!! PERFECT FOR KEEPING WARM IN THIS FREAKING FREEZING WEATHER!

"Keep the snowmen warm?" said Bow. "Couldn't we…like…you know…cuddle them or something?"

Mario did recall seeing a line of snowmen in front of a glacier on the way to Starborn Valley, with one missing a scarf and one missing a hat. He then knew what to do.

"Thanks for the scarf, Merle," said Mario as the group left the valley.

"No problem," said Merle. "Good luck, adventurers…Me, the Star Kids of this valley, and every person in the Mushroom Kingdom are counting on you…"

---

Shiver City

Mario and co. backtracked to Shiver City to find whatever it was they needed from Mayor Penguin. They knocked on his door, and his wife answered.

"AAAAAH! A MURDERER!" the wife screamed.

"Shut up, lady," grumbled Goombario.

"Hee hee hee, just kidding, folks," said the mayor's wife, waving her hand jokingly. "Aaaaanyway…What do you want?"

"We're here to ask Mayor Penguin about an item of his that can help us get to Shiver Mountain," said Bombette.

"Well, well, well!" said Mayor Penguin from behind his wife. "If it ain't Mario coming to ask for the Marvelous Bucket! I was just about to do my business in it when you knocked."

The mayor handed a regular blue bucket to Mario. "There you go," he said. "Good luck with the Crystal Palace, old Italian buddy."

YOU GOT THE MARVELOUS BUCKET!! PERFECT FOR USING WHEN THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS AROUND!

---

Shiver Snowfield

"Alright, I sure hope this works," said Lakilester, placing the recently-used Marvelous Bucket on one snowman's head as Sushie placed the Fabulous Scarf on the neck of another snowman.

All of a sudden, the snowmen came to life magically and started frantically and happily dancing around, almost leading Mario and co. to believe that they were on something.

"Please pass through here, with many thanks and blessings from the snowmen!" said the lead snowman. The glacier wall behind the line of friendly sculptures opened up like a door, and the nine adventurers calmly entered it.

---

Shiver Mountain

The crew progressed through Shiver Mountain, Ultra-ranking Parakarry along the way and using some of their clever tactics to overcome small puzzles, until they reached a large gap with a blue switch on the other side. Mario and Kooper knew immediately what to do. Kooper was kicked over to the switch's side, hit the switch with his shell, and an ice platform was created, leading to the other side. However, something was wrong. When Kooper slid right back over to Mario's side, there was another Kooper with him.

"What the?…Now I'm seeing double?!" said Parakarry in disbelief.

"Guys!" shouted the Kooper on the right. "Don't fall for that Kooper impostor! You know I'm the real deal!"

The Kooper on the left said, "No, I'M the real Kooper, you jerk!"

The two Koopers continuously argued, and Mario said, "Okay, Parakarry, break out the lie detector…"

The Kooper on the left then eventually said, "Oh, come on, Mario, you don't need a lie detector to prove that I'm the real Kooper. Also, tell Bombette that I think she's a fat ugly whore—Uh, I mean…"

"WHAT?!" said Goombario. "Kooper would NEVER say something like that about Bombette!" Goombario suspiciously headbonked the Kooper on the left, and it turned out to be a Duplighost impersonating Kooper.

"Ah, darn it…" moaned the Duplighost. "Okay, you ain't going any further, bubs!"

---

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 35 FP: 40

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Duplighost #1 HP: 15

Duplighost #2 HP: 15

Mario uses Jump on Duplighost #1. Does 6 damage.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on Duplighost #1. Does 6 damage.

Duplighost #1 swoops at Mario. Does 4 damage.

"Check it out!" said Duplighost #2.

Duplighost #2 clones himself as Goombario.

Mario hammers Duplighost #1. Does 6 damage. Duplighost #1 faints.

Bow uses Slap on "Goombario". Does 5 damage.

"Goombario" uses Headbonk on Mario. Does 6 damage.

Mario uses Jump on "Goombario". Does 6 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss on "Goombario". Does 5 damage. "Goombario" faints.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

---

"Too easy," said Mario, dusting off his gloves.

The gang made their way up a staircase made entirely of ice, and noticed a staircase-shaped figure with a star-shaped slot carved into it. They were a bit confused by this, and Bombette blew up a crack in a nearby gigantic ice wall that she noticed.

The group followed the pink Bob-omb into a small, empty shrine. At first, the group seemed unable to do anything in it, then Parakarry surprisingly flew right through the wall. The gang curiously followed like Parakarry would follow Sushie's ass, and they came into a much larger room holding a star-shaped stone on a beautiful ice platform. Suddenly, the ghost of a beautiful female sorceress that looked similar to every other magician and sorceress the gang met materialized in midair. She wore lavender robes, and had long hair like Merluvlee's.

"Oooooooooh…Greeeeeeetings, young ones…" said the spirit. "I am the lovely Madame Merlar, long-deceased ancestor of Merlon and the magician faaaaamily…Can I taaaake your oooorder?"

"What?" said Parakarry, raising his eyebrow at the spirit's odd question.

"Well, I used to work at a fast-food restaurant when I was alive, and the habit has stuck with me ever since," said Merlar more casually. "Now, I repeat, can I take your order?"

Mario thought for a minute, then said, "One cheeseburger and a milkshake for each of us, and one Star Stone to go, please."

"Alright," said Merlar, "but first, I have the sudden urge to tell you a long, boring, pointless story about my past that doesn't really contribute to the plot at all. It all started one fateful day…Me and little Merlon were outside one day…when suddenly…out of nowhere…there…great flash of light…was…fascinating…then…of nowhere………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

TWO HOURS LATER...

"…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..finally…………………………………………………………………………………….amazing……………………………………………………………..and she was like, "Oh no you didn't!"……………………………………….and I was like, "Oh yes I did!"……………………and………………….like………………...—didn't!"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………--yes I did!"………………………………………………….and………………………………………….HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING, FAT MAN?!" Merlar suddenly yelled. Mario, quietly snoozing away by this point, suddenly popped his large nose bubble as he was scared awake by the dead sorceress.

"Um…sure! Sure I'm listening!" he said quickly, looking over at his sleeping partners. He woke them up, and Merlar finally took their orders. She rapidly tossed out 9 cheeseburgers and 9 milkshakes, and each of the adventurers caught one of each immediately. Finally, Merlar sizzled the star-shaped stone in a skillet for a while, then tossed the glowing stone to Mario. He caught the burning hot Star Stone in his hands, and he weakly thanked Merlar as his hands were charred by the extreme temperature of the item.

"That Star Stone right there will help you get to the Crystal Palace with no hassle. Go on! Make haste!" said Merlar. Mario and co. did so, thanking the helpful spirit on the way out of the shrine.

"What a helpful old woman," said Kooper.

"All the magicians are helpful in some way," said Parakarry. "That's why we like them so much, right?"

"Yeah," said Goombario. "That's probably why I've developed a bit of a crush on Merluvlee."

"Well, that's too bad, bub," said Mario. "Apparently, from what we've seen in Flower Fields, she's already taken."

"Yeah," said Goombario sadly.

"Now's not the time to talk about crushes, people," said Bow as she slid the Star Stone into the star-shaped slot of the staircase figure. Suddenly, the ice-made staircase increased in size and extended up greatly, leading to the entrance of Crystal Palace. Goombario did his low whistle, which is truly his trademark by now, and the group looked at the stairway to the palace in awe. After standing there stupidly with their jaws dropped for about ten minutes, the nine adventurers finally headed up, ready to kick some real butt and save one last weirdo.

---

Crystal Palace

After entering the Crystal Palace, Mario and co. looked surprisingly at their reflections in the mirror dividing the two parts of the entrance hallway.

Suddenly, the reflections began talking.

"DURRR HUR HUR HURRR!" said Goombario's reflection. "ME SOOOO STUPIIIIID!"

"I hate Bombette," said the reflection of Kooper. "What a fat, ugly, nagging ditz!"

"Oh, Kooper! How I love you so! Do you have the same loving feelings for me as I have for you?" said Bombette's reflection, on its knees and talking romantically to Kooper's reflection.

"Awesome! I haven't dropped any letters today!" said Parakarry's reflection. "And I still really hate Sushie a lot!"

"Hmm, I don't think I'm going to be hyper today," said Watt's reflection calmly.

"Oh, I feel so very young!" said the reflection of Sushie dramatically. "And I love Parakarry so much more than life its very self!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Behold, my evil new plan of certain DESTRUCTION!" said Lakilester's reflection evilly. "This is the greatest machine EVER invented by any living being! I'm so good at being a villain, it's almost scary! And stop calling me Spike, call me Lakilester!"

"…Interesting," said Goombario thoughtfully. "Apparently, our reflections in this place have the opposite personalities of all of us."

"Interesting indeed," said Mario thoughtfully as well.

The gang progressed through the palace, passing through several puzzles that clearly weren't worth mentioning because this chapter would get insanely long if done so. Eventually, the gang reached a crack in the wall, and Bombette knew what to do. She immediately bombed the crack, and after falling back down to earth after the explosion, Mario and co. noticed that there were 4 other Bombettes with her.

"What…?" said Bombette. "Who are you jerks? Why are you trying to look like me?!"

"What are you talking about:D" said the second Bombette. "I'm obviously the real Bombette:D"

1"y0u 4r3 411 l14r5!!!!111 1 4m 7074lly 7h3 r34l 80m83773!!!!!1111!!2" said the third Bombette.

2"Hélas, Mario, vous pouvez dire que je sois certainement le vrai Bombette, corriger?" said the fourth Bombette.

"?oiraM ,puS'" said the fifth and final Bombette.

"WHAT?" screamed Bombette. "I DON'T EVEN SPEAK FRENCH OR LEET! Mario, this is ridiculous! You're going to have to hammer all of the impostors!"

"Oh boy, Whack-a-Bombette!" said Bow joyfully.

"Yes. :D I agree completely. :D You should hammer every Bombette except the real one, Mario. :D Remember to leave me alone and hammer everyone else:D" said the second Bombette.

3"h4h4h4h4h4h4h4!!!11" said the third Bombette. "y0u ph00l5 4r3 4ll 480u7 70 637 7h3 cr4p 8347 0u7 0f y0u!!!!!!!111!!! bu7 1'll 83 ju57 f1n3 83c4u53 1 4m 7h3 r34l 80m83773!!!!1111!!!1"

4"C'est clair que je suis le seul Bombette, donc je suis confiant que je ne serai pas donné un grand coup à par votre marteau féroce, Mario!" said the fourth Bombette.

"!esle ro ,oiraM ,em tih erad uoy t'noD" said the fifth Bombette.

"I swear," said Bombette, "Mario, if you whack me, even by accident, I will never, EVER forgive you or any of the partners!"

Kooper gulped, but Mario just laughed.

"This is too easy," said Mario. First, he hammered the second Bombette. It turned back into an evil Duplighost, and the Duplighost said, "Well, this sucks. :D Catch you later, plumber boy:D" before running away.

Mario hammered the third Bombette. It turned into a nerdy-looking Duplighost, and he said, 5"d4mn!!!1 7h15 15 pr377y l4m3!!11!1!!" before leaving quickly.

Mario then hammered the fourth Bombette. It turned into a Duplighost wearing French clothes, and it said, 6"Repriser, ceci est une nullité. Je n'ai pas prévu que vous ayez su que j'étais imposteur!" before running away.

Finally, Mario hammered the fifth and final Bombette, and it turned back into an inside-out Duplighost that said, "!!toohS" before running off.

Finally, all the poorly disguised impostors were gone, and Bombette sighed with relief. "Thank goodness, Mario," she said. "If you whacked me with that stupid Ultra Hammer, I was going to bomb you and strip Kooper of his manhood the next time you guys slept!"

"Well, it's a pretty damn good thing we didn't hit you, right?" said Kooper romantically.

"Right, lover boy," said Bombette.

The gang kept progressing, and eventually reached a room that was larger than the others and had stone Clubba statues blocking the passage to the other side of the room on the room's opposite side. Mario walked up to one of the White Clubbas and told him to move.

"By the word of the honorable Crystal King, we will not let you pass, fools!" shouted the Clubba.

---

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 35 FP: 40

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Lakilester

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Sushie

VS.

White Clubba HP: 12

Gray Magikoopa HP: 11

Mario uses Jump on GRY Magikoopa. Does 6 damage.

Goombario uses Multibonk on White Clubba. Does 8 damage.

White Clubba uses Furious Club Attack on Mario. Does 6 damage total.

GRY Magikoopa uses Invisibility on itself. Is invisible for 3 turns.

Mario uses Jump on White Clubba. Does 6 damage. White Clubba faints.

Goombario does nothing.

GRY Magikoopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario and Goombario do nothing.

GRY Magikoopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario calls the Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters kick GRY Magikoopa's invisible ass. GRY Magikoopa instantly faints.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

---

Mario noticed that when the White Clubba and the gray-cloaked Magikoopa were defeated, the Clubba statue directly across from them crumbled. Mario defeated the other two White Clubbas, and the gang went to the opposite side of the room and went across the now-clear path to the other room.

Later on, Mario and co. were almost to where Kalmar was being held, and they could disturbingly almost taste the seventh Star Spirit, since he was apparently so very close now. Mario and Kooper split up from the group for a while and went into a small room with a mirror to the side and a slot in front of the two adventurers. Mario eerily noticed that his reflection began kicking Kooper's reflection into the slot, so he did so with Kooper. The slot immediately exploded into a hole large enough for the whole group to enter through, and Kooper returned to Mario…with Kolorado, Luigi, Goompa, and Koopa Koot joining him.

"Whoa, awesome!" said Mario. "Some extra help!"

"Ugh, no, you idiot," said Goompa, turning into a Duplighost along with Koopa Koot, Luigi, and Kolorado. "We're only impostors, sheesh. You actually acted SO stupid at that point that you managed to MAKE us give ourselves away. I hope you're happy, you stupid fatty!" All the Duplighosts ran off, and Mario and co. shrugged, hurrying through the rest of the palace.

The group finally made it to the last room of the palace, a room full of short, stout, white dinosaurs with horns and pink eyelids.

"Hello," said the lead dinosaur. "We are the Albino Dinos of Crystal Palace. In order to reach the perch of the honorable Crystal King, you must solve our puzzle. In other words, we are now all going to stand on these panels spread around the room simultaneously to cause that door over there to lower for you. No need to solve a puzzle anymore, you lucky bastard…"

Indeed, the very same thing happened, and the Albino Dinos wished Mario and co. good luck as they left through the now-accessible door to refill their stats, save the game, and go through one final door leading to the big fight…

---

Crystal Palace – Outside Area

Mario and co. finally reached the large, snowy arena outside the palace, and they held their breath nervously as they noticed just how high in the air they were. Finally, after a few minutes, a royal robe, a pure-blue ice crown, and a pair of leering yellow eyes materialized before them.

"So…You have come for the final Star Spirit?..." said the illusion.

"We sure have, pal!" said Parakarry.

"Stuff it, you evil king!" shouted Lakilester. "Now…um…Let's fight!"

"With pleasure," said the Crystal King. "LET'S BOOGIE, BABYYYY!"

---

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 40 FP: 40

Bow

Sushie

Watt

Lakilester

Parakarry

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

VS.

Crystal King HP: 70

"Now…" said the Crystal King. "…NOW is the time I use my mad disco skills to neutralize you all! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What?" said Bow.

"Watch this…heheheheheh…" whispered the devious king. There was suddenly a flash of white light, and the king was now in a white disco suit, still wearing his ice crown, but now with a pair of sunglasses on his eyes.

A crystal disco ball popped out of nowhere, and the whole arena became some kind of disco dance floor in those very few seconds.

"Behold!" said the Crystal King. "I am…The Villainous…CRYSTAL BALL KING!!!"

"Oh, this is gonna be great…" said Mario sarcastically.

Mario hammers Crystal Ball King. Does 4 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 3 damage.

Crystal Ball King uses Breakdance attack. Does 6 damage to Mario.

"Shoot, this guy is pretty strong…" mumbled Mario.

"You bet I am!" said the Crystal Ball King. "Gimme your best shot, fools!"

Mario uses Mega Smash on Crystal Ball King. Does 8 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Crystal Ball King. Does 2 damage.

Crystal Ball King creates 3 Crystal Dance Fiend Bits.

Crystal Dance Fiend Bits HP: 1 each

Mario uses Mega Jump on Crystal Ball King. Does 8 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge on all enemies. Destroys all 3 Crystal Dance Fiend Bits and does 1 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Crystal Ball King drops the disco ball on Mario and Lakilester. Does 6 damage to Mario and knocks out Lakilester for 3 turns.

"Ha! How do you like them dance moves?!" said the Crystal Ball King.

Mario uses Jump on Crystal Ball King. Does 2 damage.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on Crystal Ball King. Does 4 damage.

Crystal Ball King creates 3 more Crystal Dance Fiend Bits.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Crystal Ball King. Does 8 damage.

Sushie uses Tidal Wave on all enemies. Destroys all 3 Crystal Dance Fiend Bits and does an astonishing 10 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Crystal Ball King heals 20 of his HP, makes 2 illusions of himself, and uses Super Breakdance all at once. Does 8 damage to Mario and knocks out Sushie for 3 turns.

Mario uses Shooting Star on all enemies. Crystal Ball King clones are destroyed. 6 damage is done to Crystal Ball King.

Bombette uses Bomb on Crystal Ball King. Does 5 damage.

Crystal King uses Breakdance. Does 6 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Mega Smash. Does 8 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Bombette uses Body Slam. Does 3 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Crystal Ball King heals 20 of his HP.

"Ugh, this battle will take way too long…" mumbled Mario.

Mario walks up to Crystal Ball King and shows him a 1997 calendar.

"You see this?" said Mario, pointing to the calendar. "The '70s are DEAD. OVER. GONE."

The Crystal Ball King looked sadly at the calendar, whimpered for a moment, and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Crystal Ball King explodes. Does 50 damage to self.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

---

"Oh dear…the last Star Spirit! Oh, Lord Bowser, forgiiiive meeeeeee!!!..." cried the evil king as he spun around one final time and vanished.

Mario and co. noticed the playing card containing Kalmar floating down to Mario. Our heroic plumber caught it. Thank goodness this is the last time I have to describe this damned flashy sequence. Oh, wait a minute—END OF CHAPTER!!!

---

Peach's Castle

"Well, it's a good thing I won't have to be playable in this sequence," said Peach, resting with Twink in her bedroom. "I'm way too tired to be a sneaky ditz at the moment."

"Oh, Peeeeach! Your cuddly yet spiky old Bowser is here!" yelled Bowser happily as he stomped into the princess' room.

Peach immediately got up and walked over to the nefarious Koopa king. "Mario is coming, Bowser, and you can't stop him! He'll be here to beat your fat ass and save us all in no time!"

"Heh heh, quite the contrary, my sneaky little princess!" said Bowser, still sounding very joyful.

"What are you talking about?!" said Peach fearfully. "With the power of all the Star Spirits, there's nothing you could possibly do to him! You're done for, you beast!"

"Knock knock," said Bowser.

"Uh…who's there?" said Peach uncertainly.

"Andy."

"Andy who?"

"…Andy just struck out! Hahahahaa!"

"Okay, what in the name of hell was that all about?" said Peach, tilting her head to the side.

"Nothin', really," said Bowser. "I just thought this part was getting too serious, so I made a joke."

"…Okay…" said Peach.

Kammy Koopa then walked into the room. "Uh…Uh…Uh…" she stuttered.

"Spit it out, Kammy!" roared Bowser.

"…Uh, Your Angriness…Mario has just…just rescued the final Star Spirit," she said, hanging her head in total shame.

"WHAT?!!!?" cried the terrible king. He then grabbed an intercom, and said, "OKAY, FOLKS, MARIO IS GONNA BE ON HIS WAY HERE ANY MINUTE NOW! GET TO YOUR BATTLE POSITIONS AT ONCE! NO GOOFING OFF, OR THERE'S GOING TO BE HELL TO PAY!!"

The announcement rang throughout both Bowser's and Peach's castle's loudly, and every single troop in the area prepared to take Mario down. Back in Peach's room, Bowser ordered Michael the Koopatrol and that one Koopatrol from the quiz show to tie Princess Peach up with ropes.

"Oh, you big, evil…Kamek!—"

"KOOPA!" Bowser shouted. "It's 'you big, evil Koopa', not 'you big, evil Kamek'. God damn…TROOPS! TAKE THIS TROUBLEMAKER TO HER PRIVATE QUARTERS!"

Twink suddenly flew out of his hiding spot. "You big, evil KOOPA!" he shouted at Bowser. "Show some respect to the princess, you brute!"

"What on earth is this little glittering thing? Confetti?" said Bowser, looking oddly at Twink. "I LOVE CONFETTI!" he shouted, grabbing Twink and eating him.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" shrieked the princess.

"…Okay, Little Miss Darth Vader," said Bowser, "it's about time YOU show some respect to ME! See you in your private quarters, darling!"

Peach silently threw a Mario-style tantrum, mourning the loss of Twink and fearing the wrath of Bowser as Michael dragged her to her private quarters.

---

Shiver Mountain

"My name is Kalmar, Mario," said Kalmar the Star Spirit as the group left Crystal Palace. "Thank you so very much, you heroic fatass."

"Uh…no problem," said Mario.

"We forever thank all nine of you from the bottom of our hearts," said the mustached spirit, turning to all nine adventurers and actually giving a hint of a smile to them. "I never could have escaped the grasp of that fiendish disco lover without all of your help. We are all truly impressed by your bravery, and you'll all surely go down in Mushroom Kingdom history."

Kalmar taught Mario the "Up & Away" Star Power, and ascended to Star Haven, telling Mario and co. that the Star Spirits would be waiting back at Shooting Star Summit. Mario and the other eight adventurers immediately headed back to Shiver City, took a pipe back to Toad Town Tunnels, and returned to Toad Town. There wasn't much of this goofy quest left to go now, and it was sunset by the time Mario and friends returned to Toad Town. They all took deep breaths and got ready to head for Shooting Star Summit.

Knock-knock.

(Who's there?)

Boo.

(Boo who?)

Don't cry, it's just a joke!

Um…Yeah, I just did that because the moment was a little too serious.

---

A/N: Mario and co. now have only one final place to go on their journey, and the trek won't be easy in the slightest way. Mario, Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Bow, Parakarry, Sushie, Watt, and Lakilester will have to put all their skills to the test in order to brave Bowser's Castle and put a stop to the bonehead once and for all.

Stay tuned…The finale is coming soon…

Bananaboomboombamabamclickcluckboppitybam! Heh heh, yeah, another time I had to lighten the serious mood. : Read and review, folks!

1: You are all liars! I am totally the real Bombette!

2: Alas, Mario, you can see that I am the real Bombette, correct?

3: Hahahahahahaha!!! You fools are all about to get the crap beat out of you! But I'll be just fine, because I am the real Bombette!

4: It is clear that I am the real Bombette, therefore I am confident that I will not be hit by your fierce hammer, Mario!

5: Damn! This is pretty lame!

6: Man, this is stupid! I didn't expect you to know I was an impostor! (or something along the lines of that.