Erik's diary
9th June, 1881
04:45: I woke up later today than I wanted to. At night I had a nightmare, yet again. That's why I did not want to sleep in the past week or so, but playing the piano and being such a gentleman after she took of my mask had utterly wore me out to the point I literally yawned in her face against my will. As I was in need of sleep I went to bed and she had to wake me up from that terrible vision and I made a total fool of myself in front of the girl who seems to baby me now. She even had that extremely indecent idea that Erik shall sleep in the same room with her. Thankfully her intents seemed only to be innocent, just to calm me, I think. Well, to be honest her presence did help, I was able to sleep more, to the point of oversleeping. Erik does not remember another day when he woke up later than 3:00.
Erik does not understand this girl really. She is a grown up woman, but acts like she was yet a teen, although she should have a family by now, with some children. Her oldest child now should be around 7-8 years old if we look at the average women nowadays. And yet, I doubt she could light a fire by herself. She is childish, immature, insecure, silly… but… loving and kind… and cute.
I don't know what to think of her and my relationship with her, but I like to have her around, if I have to honestly admit it to myself. At least, one should be honest to his own journal. She gives me so much affection it is unimaginable for me, and a bit of uncomfortable yet. I am not used to so much kindness. I would say she thinks me as a father figure or a platonic love or something like that, and she wastes her kindness and love on an unworthy creature like me. She doesn't seem to care about Erik's face. She isn't scared, she isn't disgusted. I am thankful for this fact. At first I imagined she just disguised her repulse well, but I now think she has nothing to disguise. And it makes me worried about her mental health. But… it yet feels so good.
Well, contrary to my common sense, and the acceptable behavior in this situation, I have slept with her in the Louis Philippe room's couch for more than 2 hours… nearly 3. I have never slept in my guest bedroom before. Strange thing. It served no other purpose than being Christine's room. I felt it a blasphemy to put Juti in there for the first time, but I slowly got used to her presence in the Louis- Philippe room. At least it isn't empty. That empty room, and the emptiness of my heart for that special someone who lived there before, made me suffer, but since she is here, it eased.
Maybe Erik should just accept love and affection without fear and enjoy the rest of his time with his new companion? Juti is the closest I can call as a friend…
She started to address me informally, like she was talking to a friend. The last remaining brick of that wall between us on her side had collapsed. She now doesn't regard my age either. Maybe it is a good sigh. I don't mind it. It is totally the same to me if she uses "tu" or "vous", as I am thankful for any kind of communication. To be honest, I like when the Daroga insults me, as while he does that, he thinks of me.
I guess it is time for me as well to learn how to accept love if offered – I have to be thankful that I had such a chance once in my life. I wonder if things are really meant to be, and turning back to God really did help. When I fell in love with Christine, I started to play psalms on the organ and tried my best to pray on my own way. Then the Angel saved me with her kiss and compassion and left me. I thought my heart broke in pieces, but only now I start to figure out why things turned out to be this way: Christine melted my ice heart and taught me how to feel love again. Maybe she prepared me to feel love for Juti? Maybe God sent her so I won't die alone?
So, I just figured out I need to be as kind and thankful as possible. I shall shower her with gifts because she is so kind to poor Erik…
I will kiss the ground she walks on.
Juti's POV:
I slept a lot better that night when Erik was with me. It took me some time to fall asleep after Erik lay down on the couch. He must have been tired as I heard he was sound asleep by the time he got into a comfortable position. I was glad to find out he did not snore too loudly. Just in a bearable level which did not bother me any more once I was sleeping. It was good to hear him there with me, it calmed me to know I wasn't alone in that room. I knew it was for only that night, but… still.
In the morning when sitting up in bed I wanted to find out if Erik was yet asleep as I would have been silent then not to bother him, but the couch was already empty. He woke up and left the room. I got up and walked in the bathroom to get ready for the day. It was half past seven when I walked out of the Louis- Philippe room to find out where Erik was.
There was tea in a pitcher, an empty white mug with flower pattern and a golden lining on the edge and some biscuits on a plate left on the dining table, but Erik was nowhere to be found. He prepared breakfast for me. How cute of him! I decided to eat at first, as I was hungry. When I finished breakfast I walked around the rooms I had entered before, but Erik was missing. Or maybe he retreated in his room?
I peeked inside, but he wasn't there either. Why did he leave the house? Did I insult him in the end by asking him to sleep with me? Yes, it was indeed very inappropriate to ask a man to sleep in the same room with me, and he did so just to make me feel better about my mistake, but he still must be angry with me and left the house not to see me for awhile. Understandable.
Being alone in the house and wanted to make up for my mistake, I decided I shall help him with things around the house so he will have less things to do. I went to the kitchen to wash the dishes there. There wasn't much to do, but still. I cleaned and dried them, and tried to find out where they belonged. When I put everything away, I walked around in the house to see what to help with. I also decided to explore the rooms I did not go to before.
The room I accidentally almost jumped into at night, was indeed a bathroom. It was the master bath, and had an entry both from the passageway and from Erik's bedroom. It had dark red and black tiles and similar equipment to mine, but had much more shelves full of jars full of some kind of bath oils, maybe shampoo and many bars of different soaps. There was a small shaving mirror above the sink, which made me wonder if Erik ever needed to shave. I guessed his deformity made him unable to grow a beard, but maybe I was wrong. Anyway, here and in my own bathroom were the only two mirrors in the house. The bathroom was really well – organized and spotless save for the toilet seat left up, but well, he is a guy, so it is all right like that if it doesn't bother him. There was nothing to do, so I left the room and walked back to Erik's bedroom.
The bed… I mean the coffin was unmade. I wasn't surprised as he woke up so abruptly. I walked to it, and just as it was a normal bed, I tried to disregard the fact that it was a box for dead people. I tidied the covers and the pillows in there. Erik slept with four blankets and two pillows, a bigger and a smaller one. I found the blankets a bit much for my taste, but I now understood why did I receive so many blankets for my bed as well – Erik must be cold and he thinks everyone else is as well. Poor thing. As I made his bed, I looked around in his room now that he wasn't there.
It was a bigger room that the Louis- Philippe room, and just as Leroux described it, one of the walls was entirely covered by the organ. It was immense and had countless pipes. The wall was black and it really had the Dies Irae written on it. I remembered back at the time when we sang this work in choir and a shiver ran down my spine. The coffin was in the middle of the room, and there was a desk with a chair, next to the desk there was a music stand, surprisingly room was also furnished with a larger wardrobe, a couch and a smaller table. In the middle of a wall there was a fireplace here as well, with a single armchair in front of it, which was at the other end of the room compared to the couch and the small table. That single armchair must be Erik's favorite place to sit, one more sign he is cold, he likes to sit near the to the fireplace there was a smaller bookcase. Wow, this man really has a lot of books if he needed another bookcase here. The desk contained many things as you weren't able to place even a needle on it, but contrary to the many things it contained, it was still well organized. There was a huge pile of books, sheet musics, a tuning fork, an ink-well, and three different colored inks: red, blue and black, and two fountain pens. A ruler, a pair of compasses, a protractor and some other objects I wasn't able to identify, and a violin tuner. Looking down at the desk's leg I found the violin case as well.
Oh so here you keep your violin…?
I always loved how violins sounded and always wanted to hold one in my hand, yet I never had an opportunity. I hesitated for some moments as I was sure Erik would not like if I meddled with his stuff, but… he also allowed me to play his piano, so, why not? I carefully placed the violin case on the small table and opened it. There was the beautiful instrument, reddish brown colored, shiny and very well cleaned and protected. Sure each of my fingerprints will be visible on it. I picked it out of the case, at first just looking at it and caressing it. Then… I decided to try it out. I picked the bow and held it as I saw in youtube videos and put the instrument on my shoulder.
- Well, let's see… - I smiled and pulled the bow across the strings…
Well it made the worst possible sound in my life as I had no clue how to play. It sounded like screeching and I was sure Erik would use this sound to make someone suffer in the torture chamber. I did not give up though. Juti is not the one who gives up trying after the first note. I have been trying hard to get a note right, but I made terrible noise only. Hm, maybe I should tune up? I remembered from a video I watched about violin tuning. I tried to tune it up a bit, maybe it will sound better. Hm, well maybe it will be ebough just no…
Oh shit.
A string broke. Snapped. It happened so suddenly seemingly without any reason, oh shit. Erik will kill me. I meddled with his violin and… and I am not sure how to fix it and how much time and work it does require to do so for him. I caused trouble yet again. I put the violin back in the case as I did not wish to ruin it any more – better to pack it away and leave it alone until the problem is minor.
One can't possibly ruin an organ, right…?
I walked to the organ to occupy myself and draw my thoughts away from the damaged violin. I pressed some keys and wanted to explore the sounding of the instrument. I wrote my instrumental knowledge test at University on organs, so I was at least familiar with the working mechanism and parts of the organ. My piano knowledge was helping a bit as well, so I tried to play the Overture of Phantom on organ as well. I was kind of happy about the result, even though I did not change the tone of the organ. I did not know how to make the register switches to work, so I decided I will leave them alone. Thanfully the feet pedals were in the same order as the piano keys, so I had a clue how to play the bass. Only problem was I seemed to be in delay mostly as the organ had a few seconds to react after a key was pressed, so it always bothered me and I stopped sometimes. Also, playing with dynamics had no effect – it sounded the same volume however I tried to hit a key harder or softer. I suddenly had another idea and started the Addams Faily theme song, which was easy enough to give me a sense of victory. I sang along after a few tries, so it made me even happier.
Suddenly I realized I wasn't the only one snapping fingers when it was time for that, so I turned over on the organ bench to see Erik standing behind me, helping with the rhythm. He seemed to have fun. He wore his false nose with a mustache which covered his mouth.
- Hey! – I greeted him happily, jumping off of the bench in front of him. – Uh… I mean Bonjour. – I realized I might have been too much intimate with him.
- Hey. – He smiled, so he maybe did not mind my greeting. – You may say hello to me anyway you wish to. You don't have to be so formal after we are so intimate.
- Do you mind I asked you to… sleep in the same room with me? – I inquired carefully. I wanted to know if he was angry with me, yet I heard no scolding in his voice.
- No. – He shook his head and he seemed to be in a good mood in general. – It helped. – He admitted.
- Yay! – I hugged him without warning, so he got a bit of surprised, but in the end he put his hand on my shoulder.
- I guess it means you are happy?
- I am. – I nodded. – And you?
- Yes, happier than in the last ten years. Thank you for asking.
- Erik…?
- Yes?
- Then you are perhaps not angry I disregarded you were older than me and called you "tu" in French?
- Not at all. I was the one acting impolitely in the first place as I should have called you "vous" as well from the beginning, but when we met I guessed you were just a teen. You have a child's face really.
- And I act like one.
- True. – He nodded. – But it doesn't bother me. You may call me whatever you want to, and be totally causal to me. You are kind of like a daughter to me I guess.
The violin came to mind. Erik was in such a good mood, but I though it would have been a wiser option to inform him honestly about the problem before he finds out himself. I wasn't sure if he will be angry now, but we have to get through this.
- Erik, as your daughter I have to admit I… accidentally caused some trouble.
- Trouble? – He leaned closer suspiciously. – What sort of trouble you may refer to…?
- I meddled with… the violin.
- Did you touch the bow hair? – He pointed at me accusingly.
- No, I am not that stupid. – I shook my head, almost offended.
- Then what the Hell did you do to it?
- I broke a string. – I admitted softly.
- Only that? – A relieved sigh left his lips.
- Yes.
- That's nothing. – He waved dismissingly. – From your scared tone I was sure you at least broke the bow… or the violin.
- I did not dare to touch it more, did not want to damage it.
- A broken string is nothing, I fix it in five minutes. – He laughed. – Oh, you small silly child. Why you are so much afraid Erik is going to be angry?
- Because I don't want to make you angry. From the book I know… you can have… quite a temper.
- You don't make me angry. You make me merely surprised mostly. Well, what you read in the book… I mean my temper… yes it exists. I can be unbearable if I am angry, but I would never hit you, only yell at you for some time if it happens… and it does not happen as frequently as you'd think. Erik is quite easygoing if not directly provoked.
- I'd never do that intentionally.
- I know. That is why I like you.
- Do you…? – I had a jawdrop and smiled widely in the next second.
- Yes. I do. – He nodded.
I lept into his arms hugging him tight. He caught me, yet he wasn't prepared of such an act. That guy really had great reflexes.
- Thank you, Erik dear. – I smiled at him.
- Oh… I… I thank YOU. – He stuttered. - Umm… well. – He embarrassedly put me down on the floor and gestured for me to follow him. – Come, I brought you things.
- Things? What things? – I got interested.
- Things. – He did not give away more details, but we were in the drawing room and I noticed boxes on the table. There were at least a dozen boxes of each sizes.
- For me? – I asked cautiously. – Really?
- Yes. – He nodded. – For you. All for you.
I was astonished to find out he had bought me shoes and clothes. The shoes were my favorite colors, light blue, and lavender sandal type shoes, thankfully not high heels. I would not be able to walk in those as I had balance problems due to my eye disorders. They fit perfectly. How the Hell did he figure out my shoe size?
- Erik… are they… really for me? – I was so happy I did not believe he bought me shoes and clothes. A few days earlier he was distant as a cliff and now he was showering me with gift and affection as much as he could.
- Did you think I would wear such colored shoes? – He laughed shortly.
- I bet you would be cute in them. – I smiled. – But I thank you for…
- There is no need to thank me. – He said. – You only have those clothes you are wearing. It is not enough. Also, you would look quite… extraordinary in those male clothing if you happen to come with me outside. It is enough if I am stared at. You should not be mocked. – He sighed.
- Many girls wear pants in 2017. – I informed him. – But I understand. But… does it mean I am allowed to leave the house?
- You are not my prisoner. – He said quietly. – You come and go as you please.
- You said…
- I said a lot of things earlier. I also called you stupid if I remember correctly, yet of course, I don't think you stupid any more. On the contrary. Well, could we start over just as we met now? If you can forget my coldness towards you, I show you I can be kind as well.
- But of course! – I reached out for a handshake, which he hesitantly returned.
I went to my room to organize the clothes and shoes I just got. There was plenty of room in the dresser for them, and Erik told me that was totally my room, I put them wherever I wish to. I also put on a dress I just received, it was beautifully decorated, peach colored and… quite uncomfortable. Well, compared to pants anyways. I have to get used to them, I guess. I always hated skirts as I had the impression everyone saw my underwear on those few occasions I was willing to wear a skirt. I knew in my mind that it did not happen, and with such a long dress Erik got me, it was really impossible, but still, my anxiety did not go well with skirts. Also, it took me time to figure it out how to wear and put it on. Especially undergarments. How I hated these at the first sight as well. Well bye- bye ability to move. I felt like a caged whale, being fat anyway. Oh I want pants.
When I appeared in front of Erik again, I bet I looked like a whale. I was sure he won't like my sight as I was an ugly cow. And felt utterly uncomfortable. The dress had a low chest line to make matters worse. I hated shirts or blouses that showed breast.
- You look beautiful. – He complimented politely, yet I had an impression he only says so because he wants to be kind.
- Thank you, yet I am not sure how an ugly person can look beautiful. – I admitted, blushing.
- Ugly? – He gasped. – Who is ugly, tell me?
- I am. – I nodded.
- You are blind. Have you looked into a mirror lately?
- Yep, that is where I saw I am fat. And ugly.
- If you are ugly, what am I? – He snorted. - You have a nose.
- I do… I am sorry Erik, but I really don't think I look good at all. I am nowhere compared to…
- Christine? – He finished my sentence.
- Yes.
- And why do you want to look like her?
- Because… I would be beautiful then.
- You are. Just on another way. – He stated. – But you must be uncomfortable in that dress, maybe that is why you tell me so much nonsense.
- How did you know?
- Easy. – He shugged. – You never wore such a thing before and you well… the skirt really shows… so you know.
- My waist tighter.
- Yes.
- And Erik… I am sorry to say but…
- You like pants more. I got it. I am going to buy you male clothing tomorrow. It doesn't matter if there are two oddities or just one. – He laughed out.
- Erik, may I ask something… indecent?
- Just carefully. Erik doesn't like too much frivolity, you see.
- Okay, but please come up with a logical answer: if woman are indecent for showing ankles… why is that okay to show breast?
- Why, is it, in your time, completely acceptable to wear clothing to show the ankle?
- Ankle…? Erik… ummm… if you saw some shorts girls are wearing in 2017 I bet you'd faint.
- Shorts?
- Yes… well, trousers that are upper than your knees.
- Showing… knees?
- Well, the shortest ones go about here. – I drew a line on my thigh height to show him the shortest pants possible.
- Are you kidding me? – He gasped. – It is not even long enough for… for… so the undergarments… girl! – He seemed to be totally shocked, so I apologizingly patted his back.
- Sorry Erik, I did not want to offend you.
- You did not. But it seems like I'd really faint.
- Well, it is just fashion. – I explained. – It does not necessarily turn us as… so those women.
- I know. – He nodded shortly. – You are not that type, seemingly anyway. Sure, you got way more freely spirited raising than the mademoiselles here… you are nearly like a boy in some aspects. But I like if a girl has brain and bravery. Anyways… I am going to fetch you shirts and pants.
- May I get a tailcoat like you have? – I asked hopefully.
- Yes.
- Erik…?
- Yes?
- Do you like my watch? – I asked suddenly.
- I do. – He nodded in agreement. – Why do you ask?
- I did not have it in the cellar and… had it when you got me here. – I stated the facts. I did not say he took it, just implied it.
- Yes, I stole your watch because I did not think you will be alive in the next day or so. – He admitted, seemingly without any shame or guilt. – But I returned it, did I not?
- You did. – I nodded assuringly. – But you may keep it if you wish.
- Really? – He looked at me with sudden interest.
- Yes, do you want to trade?
- Trade? For what?
- Your pocket watch. – I offered. I have seen Erik's watch and I found it beautiful, and to tell the truth, I always loved pocket watches and wanted one for myself.
- No. – He shook his head strictly. – I keep my watch. And you can keep yours. I don't like it that much to give mine for it.
I could hear from his intonation that the pocket watch did mean a lot to him for some reason, and as he did not wish to trade, I just decided to leave that subject as it is. Yet I wanted to make him feel better so I asked.
- Erik, may I ask something?
- You just asked something. – He pointed out.
- Well, please do you wish to play music with me?
- On what instrument?
- I always wanted to play four hands with someone on the piano, but I never had the opportunity as I was always alone. – I explained.
- Just the same with me. – He nodded understandingly. – Well, with pleasure. What do you wish to play?
- Do you know the Diabelli Alla Turca?
- I am familiar with it, yes. But what is it with you and the Alla Turcas, eh? Mozart, Diabelly…
- Beethoven…
- Yes. – He nodded. – Well then what, Are you into Turkish music?
- I just found these on youtube when I searched for more versions of Mozart's. They came up in the results. – I admitted. – Diabelli's was found for example when I searched for "alla turca in a minor". I wanted to see how Mozart's could sound if played in minor instead of major, but instead it showed the Diabelli four hands.
- Do you wish to see how it sounds in maggiore- minore then, or in the parallel F sharp minor?
- Oh… F sharp minor sounds a lot more interesting though. Can you do it?
- What a question, should Erik get offended?
- Sorry. – I stroke his back.
- Oh, that's another thing, if you apologize so nicely. – He smirked. – Well what do you want first, four hands or Erik twisting up Mozart?
- You twisting up Mozart.
- As you wish.
– He sat down at the piano gracefully, and hit a few accords for warming up his fingers, then started Alla Turca in F sharp minor. I found it utterly interesting. He then started variations on the main theme, which did amaze me in the end to the point of being frightening. Not the music itself, but Erik's genius was frightening. This man was such a talented person he could improvise variations on a piece he just transposed in another key. He added further modulations and was playing in at least twice the tempo it was written in in the end. Then he suddenly got tired of it and closed the piece with a sudden cadence and turned back to face me.
I looked at him with a mouth wide open, and clapped as I could. The jawdrop seemed to bother him as he ordered me to close my mouth in French. He then slid to the bass keys and showed a seat for me next to himself on the bench. I sat down and started my part to make sure I play it right. After a few measuers I stopped and informed Erik I was ready to go. We played together not only the Diabelli March, but also the part "Das klinget so herrlich" from Magic Flute. It was so great to play with Erik, as he nodded and smiled if I could meet his imagination of the tempo or volume to play in. It was surprisingly easy to play in harmony with him. He looked like he was touched. In the end when we finished playing, he turned to me and shook hands with me. It was the first time he was the one to initiate a handshake. It was a nice gesture to his musician partner, indicating he was getting more comfortable about social interactions, slowly and steady.
- Thank you, Erik. – I smiled.
- It is me who has to thank you. – He said softly, and turned away fro a second to wipe tears from his eyes. – You don't know how much it means to me to have someone with me to play music with… and to … to share my solitude with…
- You won't ever be alone, as long as you want me here. I promise.
I stroke his shoulder and leaned closer to kiss him on the cheek. This sent the poor guy to tears again.
