This chapter is pretty long, but then Rayna had a whole lot more to deal with in this situation than Deacon did. There is quite a lot of angst, but stay with me – it will start to change soon!
Rayna sat on the couch in Dr. Harris's office. She was nervous about how this was going to go. Things had gone so poorly in the joint session she and Deacon had attempted. Now she had nothing to hide behind, there was no one she could justify her actions to. She could refuse to answer, sure, but she had woken up that morning feeling like she needed to dig deep. She had compartmentalized her life for so long and maybe it was time to stop, even though it made her afraid.
"So, Rayna, I know we talked before about what happened when you found out you were pregnant with Maddie, but let's go back to before that. I want to go into the whole timeline and we may as well start with the beginning. So why don't you tell me about your life with Deacon?"
Rayna frowned. "You mean, when we were together?" Dr. Harris nodded. "Well, we met when I was sixteen and he was nineteen, at an open mic night. Watty White, who was my mentor, introduced me to Deacon and I probably fell in love with him inside ten minutes."
"You were pretty young then. Was he your first boyfriend?"
Rayna scrunched up her face. "Sort of. I mean, I'd had dates before, but there was something different about Deacon. I'd never had a serious relationship, if that's what you mean, until Deacon. We just connected. It felt like fate, like we were meant to be together. I felt pretty alone back in those days. I didn't have lots of friends, my mom had died when I was twelve, and I had a bad relationship with my father. He didn't want me to pursue a music career and we fought about that. He was so against it that he kicked me out when I was sixteen years old. Deacon took me in and he was my family, for a very long time."
"You've said that you always tried to keep your private life private. What did you mean by that? Did you hide your relationship with Deacon?"
"No, it wasn't that. I just wanted people to focus on my music and not what was going on in my personal life. Deacon and I agreed right from the start that we weren't going to talk about our relationship with reporters or be real obvious in public. Our life together was our business, not anyone else's."
"And that was also true during the times he went to rehab and had problems with his sobriety?"
"Yes, it was."
"Did he always have a drinking problem?"
She shook her head. "Not always. I mean, he always liked to drink but it was several years before it got to a point where he had trouble controlling it."
"So how did you deal with it?"
Rayna ran her tongue over her lips. "Well, like I said, I've always been careful with my private life. People knew Deacon and I were together, but we didn't talk about our lives. That was just for us. So when the drinking got bad, I just protected him, I guess. I didn't talk about it. I didn't acknowledge it in public. I covered for him when he missed a rehearsal or a show."
"How did that make you feel?"
Rayna thought about that for a moment. "It hurt," she said, finally. "And made me mad, I guess. I hated that it was happening and I hated having to deal with it. And it was exhausting." She looked at Dr. Harris. "Living with an alcoholic is exhausting. Never knowing what's happening. The blackouts. Having to bail him out of jail or take him to the ER. Dragging him out of bars and hotels when it hard to tell if he was dead or alive." She stopped and took a deep breath. "I couldn't let people see that. What it was doing to him. What it was doing to me. I was just so tired."
"When did it really start to be a problem?"
"I guess around the time that I got my first opener gig. That's when he started going out to bars with my bass player and would end up so drunk sometimes that he'd miss rehearsal or miss a show or whiff a song or something. He'd be passed out in bars and hotels and I'd have to go find him sometimes. That's when I put him in rehab the first time."
"And how many times did he go to rehab?"
Rayna sighed and felt tears rise up in her eyes, which she brushed away. "Five times," she said softly. "The last time was before Maddie was born. I wanted to make sure he stayed alive. For her sake."
Dr. Harris raised his eyebrows. "And yet, you didn't tell him he was a father."
Rayna shook her head sadly. "No, I didn't. I just didn't want to have to tell my baby someday that he was dead from drinking."
"So what was going on between the two of you when you got pregnant?"
She took a deep breath. "When it became obvious that he couldn't stay sober, I broke up with him. I started seeing Teddy not long after that. But he invited me to the cabin – he had bought the cabin on the lake when he got out of rehab the first time – and I went. He had seemed like he was doing really well. I wasn't around him as much then, so that's why I didn't realize he really wasn't in good shape at all. But I went and, well, he asked me to marry him." She brushed away the tears that were streaking down her cheeks. "He seemed fine that night and so I said yes. I mean, I loved him, that hadn't changed. It was what I wanted, to marry him. And I stayed overnight. But the next morning, he was drunk and he didn't even remember asking me to marry him. I was so pissed. I felt like a fool. So I left." She put her face in her hands.
Dr. Harris watched her for a moment. Finally he said, "And then you found out you were pregnant?"
She nodded. "I wanted to tell him, I really did. I went to tell him, but he wasn't at his house. I found him at the cabin, but he was drinking. And he was tearing up everything. And I was scared. I had lived with that for so many years and it was so hard. I was so tired. I just couldn't do that to a baby. But I didn't know what to do." She stopped for a moment and took a few deep breaths. "Tandy convinced me to tell Teddy, because he was a good man and she thought he'd help me figure out what to do. I was really surprised when he offered to marry me and raise the baby as his."
"Why did you decide to take him up on his offer?"
"Because he would take care of us and be a good father to my baby."
Dr. Harris shook his head. "Why did you really decide to take him up on his offer?"
Rayna frowned. "I just told you."
"I think there's more to it. I need you to really go deep, Rayna. That's the purpose of these sessions. So what were you afraid of? Why didn't you want to tell Deacon?"
"I wasn't afraid of anything." Rayna's eyes flashed with annoyance.
"Why did you decide not to tell Deacon you were pregnant? Even if you married Teddy?" He took off his glasses and looked hard at her. "Why did you really not want to tell Deacon? How did you really feel about Deacon then?"
Rayna breathed in and out, trying to control her emotions. "Deacon was a drunk," she finally said, her voice low. "I couldn't live like that anymore. I was embarrassed." She wrapped her arms around her waist. "I didn't want to be with him anymore and I was afraid."
"What were you afraid of?"
She pulled her legs up to her chest and laid her forehead on her knees. Dr. Harris had to strain to hear her. "I was afraid he'd never get better and I'd never be rid of him, if he knew," she whispered. Then she burst into tears.
Rayna went back and forth over the next week wondering if she should cancel her session with Dr. Harris. She was horrified by what she'd said at the end, about being glad to be rid of Deacon. That had sounded so cold, so harsh, so hateful. She didn't know where that had come from. She didn't know if she wanted to keep doing this. Everything had been so nicely tucked away for so very long.
She didn't wait for Dr. Harris to start before saying, "I didn't really mean for what I said to sound so…damning. That sounded like I didn't love Deacon or support him and I did. I loved him so much. I was just so exhausted and it was good not to feel that way for a change." Tears were streaking down her face.
"Rayna, there's no judgment here. The whole purpose of this is for you to have a safe place to talk and explore all of this. You and Deacon have a child together, a child you never told him about. It's obvious that you were very careful about your personal life and I think that's part of what happened here. But if you ever want Deacon to trust you again, you have to be honest with yourself. Even if it's messy or it sounds awful."
Rayna wiped away her tears. "It was a relief in some ways, but it still hurt so bad. It was all I'd ever wanted, to have a family with Deacon. I cried about it for a year I wanted it so bad."
"So why didn't you tell him when he got back from rehab?"
"Well, I was married. Teddy was Maddie's father. We'd already decided that."
"Did you ever talk about when you would tell Deacon and Maddie? You and Teddy?"
Rayna shook her head. "Teddy didn't want me to tell him. The whole point was that he was Maddie's father."
"But you had to know that one day this would come up. Maybe not in the way it did, but some other way."
Rayna shrugged. "I didn't think about it. Maybe that was wrong, but all I was focused on was Maddie."
"When it became apparent that Deacon was going to stay sober, why didn't that change your mind about telling him?"
Rayna looked flustered. "I don't know. I guess because of Teddy."
"But, Rayna, you could have made that decision. She was your daughter, not Teddy's, at least not biologically. Did you not think Deacon had a right to know?"
Rayna's eyes filled with tears. "I never really thought about it that way, I guess. It just got comfortable. And Deacon never knew we'd been together then. He had awful blackouts and he didn't remember any of that. It was just…easier, I guess."
"Were you happy with Teddy?"
"I was content. Yes, I suppose I was happy. Teddy was a good man, a good provider, a good father. He was stable. He wasn't a drunk. I never had to worry about that." She took a deep breath. "It was a long time before I stopped worrying about Deacon. At least every day. That would have been tough with a child, I think. And then, I got pregnant with Daphne. That changed a lot of things."
"Like what?"
"Well, it meant that Teddy and I were more committed to each other. And to our family. I had that connection to him now. We'd created a child together."
"But you also had the child you and Deacon had created together." Rayna looked away. "Would you have told Deacon about Maddie if Teddy hadn't wanted you not to?"
Rayna's eyes looked haunted. "I don't know," she whispered.
"Why not?"
Rayna felt tears coming again and she screwed up her face and looked away. She put her hand over her mouth. "He's an alcoholic. And you just never know. I just couldn't put Maddie through that."
"Was it just because of Maddie?"
"Of course! Why else?"
"Was it because you didn't want to deal with an alcoholic anymore? You already said that was why you didn't tell him in the beginning. So even though he appeared to have found a way to stay sober, did you still not want to deal with that? Or did you just not trust him?"
Rayna gasped. "No," she whispered. "No, that can't be it. I did trust him."
"And yet you let him think he was just 'Uncle' Deacon. You let him get close to your daughter and let him develop a relationship with her. What did you think would happen when he found out?"
"I don't know." She was quiet for a minute. "I don't think I ever thought it would happen," she said, her chest tight.
"Were you ever going to tell him?"
Tears ran down Rayna's face. She struggled to speak. Finally she said, "I don't know. I just don't know."
"How are things going with Maddie?"
Rayna sighed. "She's still very closed off. Unless, of course, she's telling me just how angry she still is."
"Have she and Deacon connected at all?"
"No. I went by Deacon's to try to get that moving, but he was more interested in being mad at me than in connecting with his own daughter." Rayna frowned. "I told him he should reach out to her, but he hasn't done it."
"Maybe you should wait for Maddie to raise the idea. I think we all believe that the two of them need to explore that relationship, but she's old enough to know what she wants. I'd wait a little longer before you feel the need to force it."
"What if it's that Deacon doesn't want to be a father?"
"Didn't you tell me the two of you had talked in the past about a family? And doesn't he have a pretty solid relationship with both your girls?"
Rayna shrugged. "I guess. But maybe he's changed his mind."
Dr. Harris looked at her for a moment. "Rayna, I think that it's just going to take a little time for both of them to adjust to this new relationship. Be patient and just be there for your daughter. Answer any questions she has. Just be supportive."
Rayna looked at him and nodded.
"Rayna, tell me why you invited Deacon back into your band after Maddie was born."
"Well, there were two reasons, really. One was that he was the best guitar player in town. Always had been. He made me good and I needed him in my band." She took a deep breath. "And because of Maddie. I did want him to have a relationship with her even though he, uh, didn't know he was her father." Her voice trailed off as she realized how ugly that sounded.
"So for all those years, he was just a guitar player."
Rayna fidgeted in her seat. "Well, no, not exactly. I mean, he was my friend. I cared about Deacon." She sat up a little straighter. "And truly we had a better relationship as friends, once he understood the boundaries."
"What were the boundaries?"
"That we weren't a couple. That there would be no intimacy, like there had been before."
Dr. Harris made some notes. Then he looked carefully at Rayna for a minute. When he spoke, he almost seemed as though he were hesitant to bring it up. "So you and Deacon didn't have an affair during that time?"
Rayna looked shocked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed with a frown. "I would never have done that to Teddy."
"Not even an emotional affair?"
Rayna looked away. Teddy had accused her of that. More than once. "No," she said flatly. But she wondered. She had wondered that last time Teddy had said it, the night he showed up when Deacon was over for dinner.
"So he wasn't in your band for you?"
Rayna's eyes flashed with anger. "That's just crazy," she said. "I was a mama. I would never have been that irresponsible."
"But you told me when we first met that you told Deacon that you had always loved him. That you had never not loved him," Dr. Harris said, quietly.
Rayna felt exposed and she looked down. "I, um, I did say that."
"So why did you have him in your band? Really."
Rayna clenched her jaw. "For Maddie."
"Rayna…."
Rayna threw her hands up. "Okay! I admit it. I was selfish. I wanted him to be there. I was bored in my marriage and I missed him." She stopped and started to cry. "I missed him," she sobbed. "I needed him in my life and I wanted my baby to be close to her father and that was the best I could do." She put her hands over her face. "I was wrong," she wept. "It wasn't fair to him. I was wrong."
"Talk to me about Teddy."
Rayna frowned. "What about him?"
"Start with when you met, started to date."
Rayna looked down and played with the edge of her skirt. "Well, after I moved out of the house, Tandy introduced me to Teddy. They'd taken a couple of classes together in graduate school. I wasn't really ready to start going out again, but Tandy insisted."
"Why didn't you tell her no?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I felt like I needed to do something different."
"What did you think of him?"
"He was nice looking. Had a good job. He was smart." She looked up. "And he wasn't an alcoholic."
"Did you like him right away?"
Rayna laughed softly. "Teddy's a very likeable guy. Or at least he was then. These days he's become someone I don't even recognize. But back then he was nice. He was polite, he treated me nicely. He didn't get drunk."
"Did you date regularly?"
She frowned slightly. "I'm not sure what that means. We went out for dinner or something on weekends and maybe once during the week, if I wasn't busy."
"Did Teddy know about Deacon?"
"He knew about the relationship. I told him a little bit, that he was an alcoholic and that it made the relationship difficult."
"Did you tell him how hard it had been? What you were dealing with?"
Rayna made a face. "Just a little. Tandy told him most of it. Even though I asked her not to."
"How did that make you feel?"
Rayna scowled. "Mad. But he wanted to be the white knight, and she knew that, so she told him a lot more than I would have. So I think he saw himself as my protector."
"When did you start getting intimate with him?"
Rayna blushed. "Not right away. It felt kind of awkward in the beginning."
"Because of Deacon?"
Rayna took a deep breath. "Maybe."
Dr. Harris looked at her carefully and made a note. "Were you still intimate with Deacon then?"
Rayna's eyes teared up. "Some." She looked at Dr. Harris. "I still loved him. Even though he was destroying me. Sometimes I just, well, I couldn't say no." She knew she didn't owe him any explanation, but somehow she felt it was important to give some kind of explanation. It usually only happened when Deacon was drunk and came by her apartment. Exactly when she shouldn't have, but she did.
"At some point, did you?"
Rayna bit her lip and looked off. Then she lowered her head and shook it. "Not really, no."
"So you were having sex with both men at the same time?"
Rayna nodded. "I know that sounds awful. I did try to put Deacon off when I started, um, with Teddy. But, you know, I loved him."
"Did you think of Teddy as someone you'd want to marry?"
Rayna sighed. "I didn't really think about that at all. He was just, you know, not Deacon." She looked up. "It was nice to not have to deal with hangovers and fights and having to drag him out of a bar. It was pleasant. But no, I didn't think about Teddy that way. Not then."
"So you were still seeing Deacon, at least on occasion?" Rayna nodded. "Did he know you were dating Teddy?"
"Yeah. I told him. Because I wanted him to know I was moving on, or trying to. He got mad at first, but then he tried to, you know, get better and stay sober. To try and win me back, I guess."
"Is that when he took you to the cabin? And proposed?"
Rayna gave him a sad smile. "Yeah." She started to cry and reached for a tissue. "It was all I ever wanted. He seemed really good that night, so I thought…well, I thought he was okay."
"Then what happened?"
She lifted her hand to her mouth as tears streamed down her face. "That was the night I got pregnant with Maddie," she whispered.
"Let's go back to Teddy. You said that you didn't really think about marrying him. Did that change at any point before you found out you were pregnant?"
Rayna shook her head. "No, not really. He was just a nice guy to go out with. I never really thought it would go anywhere." She ran her tongue over her lips. "I knew that he was in love with me. He wanted it to be more. But he didn't really understand what I did or what my life was like, so I thought it would be a nice little, um, interlude to kind of get me past Deacon. Nothing really more than that."
"But then you got pregnant."
Rayna nodded. "Yeah."
"And what happened then?"
Rayna took a deep breath. "Well, my plan was to tell Deacon. And I don't know what I thought would happen then. That maybe it would be the thing that made him stop drinking. I don't know. But I did think he had a right to know. At first, anyway. But, as you know, he was drunk when I got there and I left without telling him."
"When did you tell Teddy?"
Rayna shrugged. "A couple weeks later. Tandy thought I should but she didn't want me to tell him the baby was Deacon's. So finally I did tell him. But I didn't lie to him. I told him the truth, that it was probably Deacon's. He wanted to believe it could be his, at first. But it wasn't. I knew that. He and I always used protection."
"Was he upset?"
Rayna nodded. "At first, yeah. I mean, he didn't know I'd still been with Deacon, so he was hurt. I understood that."
"When did he propose marriage?"
"A few days later. He came and said he would marry me and he would put his name on the birth certificate and raise the baby as his own. I told him no, but he insisted and Tandy thought it was the best thing to do. So that Deacon wouldn't know the baby was his." She started to cry.
"Was it your idea or Teddy's to get the paternity test?"
"It was mine, mostly. I needed to be sure. But Teddy did agree. I think he hoped the baby would be his. But, of course, that wasn't the case."
"Who knew about the baby?"
"In the beginning, it was just Teddy, Tandy, and me." Rayna made a face. "But then I found out Daddy knew too."
"How did your father find out?"
Rayna rolled her eyes. "I'm not exactly sure. I certainly never told him. But when he wanted Teddy to run for mayor last year, he threw that out when he was trying to get me to support that. He thought I hadn't told Teddy so he assumed he was 'keeping my secret' and that he had some kind of hold over me. I actually thought I was going to tear into him that day. If Tandy hadn't dragged me out of his house, I don't know what I would have done."
"We haven't really talked about your family. Tell me about them."
Rayna looked irritated. "It was just Daddy and Mom and Tandy and me. Then Mom died and it was the three of us. Until Daddy kicked me out. And that's the Wyatt's in a nutshell."
"How old were you when your mother died?"
"Twelve."
"What happened?"
Rayna swallowed hard. "She was killed in a car accident."
"Were the two of you close?"
She nodded, tears in her eyes. "Yeah, we were. She understood about how much I loved music. And she encouraged me."
"So your father didn't support that?"
Rayna rolled her eyes. "Well, he supported music, just not country music. Which was what I was interested in. I took piano lessons and he was very supportive of that, but then Mom gave me her guitar and I started singing country songs with her and he got angry about that."
"Do you know why?"
"I didn't at the time, but I found out pretty recently that my mom had an affair with a musician and that he knew about it. So I think that's why. It probably brought back bad memories."
"So your parents didn't have a good relationship."
Rayna shook her head. "For as long as I remember, they fought. Tandy says he loved her, but I never really saw that. They always seemed to be fighting. Daddy ruled the house and I could tell she was unhappy, but I was just a child, so I didn't really understand. I just knew that she liked to spend time alone in the garden and, when Daddy was gone on business, she was so much happier."
"That must have been hard for you and your sister."
"Well, Tandy was older, so I think she understood more than I did. And I think she always tried to protect me."
Dr. Harris made some notes, then looked back at Rayna. "You said that your father was not supportive of your interest in country music and that he kicked you out. Tell me about that."
Rayna took a deep breath. "I really wanted to sing. My dream was to be a country music star. I wanted to be on stage, singing my heart out to thousands of fans. My mom had given me her guitar and told me to use it to work out my feelings. So I used to do that. I'd write about what was going on and how I was feeling and I'd play songs in my room. I wasn't very good on the guitar, so Tandy helped me get signed up for lessons. But I never was really good at that part." She gave Dr. Harris a ghost of a smile. "Daddy always told me he wouldn't support me making that my career, but I didn't care. I really wanted to be on my own and I hated Belle Meade and all the society shit there."
"So what did you do?"
"I'd sneak out and go to places where I could listen to music, and sing a little. Daddy traveled a lot, so it wasn't as hard as it sounds. When I turned fifteen, I started trying to get into open mic nights around town. Tandy actually helped me with that too. You know that the mecca for that is the Bluebird and that was my goal. I got picked for an open mic night and that's the night I met Watty White."
"He was the one who helped get your career started."
Rayna smiled. "Right." Then she looked away. "He was also the one who introduced me to Deacon."
"How did it come about that your father kicked you out of the house?"
She sighed. "He always told me that if I lived in his house, I had to live by his rules. And his rule for me was no country music. Because I didn't understand why, I think I really thought he wouldn't punish me. But I was wrong. I told him that I had a paying gig and he told me that if I went and did it, I couldn't live there anymore. I really thought he wouldn't kick me out, but when Deacon brought me home, my stuff was out on the street."
"Did you talk to him about it?"
Rayna shook her head and frowned. "No. I got my things and put them in Deacon's truck. He took me home with him. And that was that. Daddy and I have been at odds ever since."
"How did you feel when he kicked you out?"
Rayna frowned. "I guess I was mad, but at the same time I felt kind of free. I could go do what I wanted. I could go out and get paying gigs. I could live with Deacon and not have to listen to Daddy tell me what a loser he was. I could have my own life."
"So you didn't regret what happened?"
Rayna shook her head. "No. I mean, it was a little scary, but I had Deacon. He took care of me."
Dr. Harris nodded, then wrote some more. When he looked up, he said, "So let's talk about Tandy. Tell me about your relationship with her."
Rayna gave him a small smile. "She and I were always close, even though she's four years older than me. I could always depend on her. Growing up, she was the person I talked to, especially after Mom died. I never had a lot of friends and, other than Deacon, she is the person I'm closest to."
"And she was the person you turned to when you found out you were pregnant."
Rayna was silent for a moment. "Yeah," she said finally. "I needed someone to help me. She was it."
"What was her reaction?"
"Once she found out the baby was Deacon's, she was pissed. Pissed at me."
"But she helped you."
Rayna nodded. "She did. I told her I wanted to find Deacon and tell him and, even though she tried hard to talk me out of it, she did drive me to the cabin. But when we got there and saw how bad he was, she talked me into leaving." She looked at Dr. Harris with pain in her eyes. "I didn't want to leave. But I didn't really know what else to do."
"How was she involved in your telling Teddy?"
"She knew that I didn't want to have the baby on my own. She told me to tell Teddy that the baby was his. That I could tell him that the protection failed and he never had to know."
"But that's not what you did."
Rayna shook her head and tears streaked her face. "I couldn't do that to him. I did finally tell him, of course, and I thought he'd break up with me. I was so surprised that he offered to marry me."
"So Tandy encouraged the marriage. And helped develop that plan that led to keeping Deacon in the dark."
Rayna frowned. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."
"Rayna, why did you agree with that plan? Why did you let Teddy and Tandy determine your future?"
Rayna bristled. "I didn't think of it like that. I agreed with them, that it was the right thing to do. I wanted to protect my baby. It wasn't like they forced me to do it. I went along with it willingly." As she realized what she'd just said, she gasped and then covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes filled with pain.
Dr. Harris watched her carefully and waited while she fully absorbed what she'd said. Finally, he asked, "Did you also talk to her about whether you would tell Deacon at some point in the future?"
Rayna swallowed hard and nodded. When she spoke, her voice was quiet. "Yeah. She told me the same thing Teddy did, that I could never tell Deacon. That he was an alcoholic and could fall off the wagon at any time. That he wasn't a good father figure, because he was undependable and a risk. That it was better for Maddie to be raised by Teddy, that he would give her a better life than Deacon could give her."
"And you agreed to go along with that?"
Rayna nodded, her tears returning. "I did," she said, her voice cracking with the emotion.
"Did you ever talk to her later on about telling Deacon?"
"I did. And she always told me why that was a bad idea. And she told me that…that he would hate me if I ever told him." Her voice had lowered to a whisper and she choked on a sob. She fought for control. Then she looked up at Dr. Harris. "And she was right."
When Rayna walked in she threw her purse down on the couch and stood in front of Dr. Harris with her arms crossed. "Today I don't want to talk about how badly I fucked up. I want to talk about how bad I feel and how hurt I am. This isn't all just about what I did to Deacon. It's also about what he did that got us to this place."
"That's fine, Rayna," he said. "What would you like to talk about?"
Rayna sat down and crossed her legs. Her voice was angry when she started talking. "You know, he made my life pretty much hell back in those days. It was really hard to manage a career and a boyfriend who couldn't stop drinking long enough to be on stage to back me up. Or who went out after a show and made me spend all night hunting him down. I was a wreck back then. I don't think he ever understood how hard it was for me and how much he was dragging me down." She was starting to get emotional and her voice started to shake, which she hated. "I propped him up for years. Years. I kept people out of our business so that everyone didn't know what a mess he was." She looked away. "I was embarrassed." Her voice had softened to just above a whisper. "I know he's mad about what I did, but he didn't give me any choice!"
"If it was so difficult back then, why did you keep doing it?"
Rayna opened her mouth and then closed it. She looked away, then back at Dr. Harris. "I loved him. I didn't want to leave him. And I was afraid if I left him, he would end up dead."
Dr. Harris looked at her for a moment. "So you were angry with him about being an alcoholic and making life difficult, but you stayed. And when you got pregnant, you used that to justify why you couldn't tell him. You put him in rehab and married someone else." It wasn't a question, but he looked at Rayna as though he expected an answer. She sat and stared at him and then finally got up, picked up her purse, and stormed out of his office.
Rayna cancelled the next two appointments and then, when she came back, she didn't bring up the session she'd walked out on. She sat on the couch and looked at Dr. Harris as though she were daring him to bring it up. He watched her for a moment, then started down a different path. "Were you in love with Teddy Conrad when you married him?" he asked.
Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Truthfully, no," she said.
"Did you fall in love with him at some point?"
"I did love him. He was a good man, a good father, and a good husband for most of our marriage. We had a child together. I grew to love him over time."
"But not the way you'd loved Deacon."
Rayna took a deep breath. "No," she said.
"You said at one of our earlier sessions that you were bored in your marriage."
"Well, maybe 'bored' was too strong a word. There certainly weren't fireworks every day. Teddy was a stable, good provider, most of the time. It was comforting."
Dr. Harris nodded. "But you brought Deacon back into your life. Professionally, anyway. And I'm guessing that added more excitement."
Rayna looked uncomfortable. "I guess. Some."
"When did you realize that Deacon was going to make sobriety work this time?"
Rayna looked away. "I'm not sure I can say a specific point in time. But over time I realized he was making it work."
"There had to be a time when you realized this time was different, though."
Rayna shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, he'd gotten sober before, but it hadn't stuck. I guess, like every other time, it started with days and weeks and months. I mean, it was obvious he wasn't drinking, but that could have changed at any time."
"But it didn't." He looked firmly at her. "At what point did you realize it was different?"
She shifted in her chair. "I don't know. I didn't wake up one morning and think, 'wow, Deacon's still sober'. It just didn't happen that way."
"There had to be a time. I don't mean you have to give me a date, but there was a time when you knew this time he was serious. And it didn't happen a year ago or five years ago. He's been sober for almost fourteen years."
"I don't know." Rayna looked at him stubbornly
"Rayna, how old was Maddie when you realized that this time he was going to make it?" Dr. Harris was pressing.
Rayna looked down and then rubbed her face with her hands. "She was three," she whispered. She looked up, her eyes flashing through her tears. "She was three!"
Dr. Harris sat and looked at her and she let that wash over her. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and not unkind. "Rayna, I know you felt like you did the right thing for Maddie all those years ago. It was a frightening time and I understand that Deacon had a very serious problem and you were fearful. But you made a very conscious decision at a certain point, when you realized that Deacon had found a way to make this work. And at that point, you had the opportunity to tell him he was a father and you chose not to."
Rayna felt sick to her stomach. The tears came harder as she acknowledged to herself what she had done. "I was wrong," she said, choking on the tears. "I did a terrible thing and I was wrong." She put her head down in her hands and sobbed.
It was several weeks later when Rayna came to her session looking happier than she'd looked in a very long time. Dr. Harris noted that her face looked more peaceful and her demeanor was calmer. As she had truly begun to come to terms with her actions with respect to Maddie, she had looked beaten down. There had been very little of the fire she'd shown in earlier sessions when she'd challenged him. She'd seemed weary and remorseful. But today was different.
"Tell me what's going on, Rayna," he said.
She smiled, a little shyly. "Maddie signed herself up for an open mic. Not one of the ones at a club, since she's too young for that. But a kids' open mic. Next Sunday. She invited me. And Deacon."
Dr. Harris raised his eyebrows. "And he's coming, I take it."
Rayna nodded and smiled. "Yes. He knows I'm coming and he's going to be there anyway."
"And you're feeling positive about it?"
"Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel a little like maybe things are finally getting better. This will be the first time we've been together, in public, not just at his house with Maddie or something, since everything happened. And I know we won't really be together, like a couple or anything, but we're doing something together, for Maddie. And I think that's a good sign. Don't you?"
Dr. Harris looked at her over the top of his glasses and gave her a small smile. "I think it sounds like things could be moving in the right direction, Rayna."
Rayna sat back against the couch and smiled. Maybe all of this counseling was worth it after all.
