I like being alone
It's 4:59 am and I can't sleep. Well, I did fall asleep, but I had a bad dream and woke up. This happens a lot. About every month or so, I have a nightmare that consists of my father beating me. It starts with him standing in front of me and me, being about seven or eight years old, huddled in a corner trying to escape him. It never ends up working though. These dreams—or nightmares—are kind of like flashbacks from when I was younger. He'd only beat me so badly because I couldn't protect myself. But now, I know how to dial 911; yet, I never end up doing it.
Today is my grandma's funeral and I'm hoping I don't fall apart. I need sleep. My body switches positions so that I'm facing my door, but it doesn't work. Then, I lie flat on my back and face the ceiling; it doesn't work. I turn to position myself the way I was when Santana was here. Towards the balcony; and I imagine her lying down with me. She's here, I see her. My hand goes in to touch her face, but she fades away. Everyone does. They always fade away.
"Santana, don't." I say weakly as the air sweeps her away. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach and I realize it's just my mind tricking me.
Inhale and exhale, Brittany.
My head starts pounding as I face the ceiling again, while resting my right wrist on my forehead. My scars are burning and I feel like I'm drowning once more. I get up and race to my medicine cabinet. My hand slowly reaches to open it and I see the sharp metal on the middle shelf. I grab it and stare at it longingly.
Promise me you'll try
Her voice; it takes over my ears. Suddenly, the blade acts like a bar of soap and slips out of my hand. Now it's on the floor. I swallow hard and breathe in deeply. I want it. I crave it. I need it. But Santana...she needs me too. I grab the blade, wrap it in toilet paper, and race to my balcony.
I don't need it.
My heart is beating faster than normal as I lean against the rail of my balcony. If I throw it, it's gone. No blade, no voices, and no pressure. I look at it once more and throw it into the bushes. It's gone and I don't want it back. The thing is; what will happen when I finally explode?
I walk back into my bedroom and lie down flat on my back. My eyes close; inhale and exhale.
What do you hear?
I pretend she's here with me, in my room. "My clock ticking. My heart beat. Water dripping from the gutter and leaves being blown by the wind..." I whisper. My body relaxes and I open my eyes slowly. I look at my clock: 5:37 am. My head hurts, so I try going back to sleep, but I can't. I walk to my bathroom and look at my reflection. Pale face, bloodshot eyes, and messed up hair. I brush my teeth, and then start undressing to take a hot shower. The warm steam relaxes my muscles and moisturizes my skin. Slow and steady, I begin to walk into the burning water. It feels like small pieces of volcano debris are landing on my back. Breathe in, breathe out and relax.
After my shower, I sit on my bedroom floor and pull out a box of books from under my bed. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Gone with the Wind, A Child Called 'It', The Notebook, Romeo and Juliet, and so many more. But my favorite out of all of them is Catcher and the Rye. I've always loved that book. I wish I could run away like the character did, but that's all I'm going to say. I don't want to spoil it.
Moments later, there's a knock on my door. I look at the clock: 5:57 am. I place the box on my bed and get up to answer it.
"Hola Mi niña," Amelia comes in with a tray of food and sets it on my dresser. "I brought you food since I heard you wake up. Its toast and some tea. Please eat Ms. Brittany, you look so pale." she informs me and cups my cheek with the palm of her hand. I force a small smile to my face and nod.
"I will Amelia, gracias." I reply and she giggles at my Spanish.
"Eres tan hermosa." she tells me and starts walking out quietly. I smile, I don't know what it means, but I'll find out. She closes my door and I drink some of the tea she left for me. My eyes land on the box of books on my bed. Maybe Santana would want to read some. I'm starting to get sleepy, so I walk over to my bed and lie down and drift off to sleep.
-knock-knock-
I jerk up from bed and glance at the clock. 8:29 am.
"Brittany! Get up! We're leaving in twenty minutes." my father informs me and I sigh in frustration. I get up and walk over to my closet. My hand reaches for a white button up shirt, black jacket and some black skinny jeans. I change and brush my hair into a side braid, then slip on my black flats. My eyes land on Santana's clean clothes that Amelia washed and placed on top of my dresser. Her big jacket that says WMHS Basket-ball is more noticeable than anything. I smile weakly and stroke the big red and black letters softly. It says 'Santana' above the left breast area and on the back it says 'Lopez'. My heart flutters at the sight of her name and suddenly, I don't feel so alone.
"Brittany we're leaving." my mother says from the other side of the door. I sigh and prepare myself for this event. Something I may never forget. Sometimes, my grandmother's voice replays in my head: Don't give up. Make me proud, Brittany.
Tears are forming in my eyes, but I blink them away as I walk down stairs. My father grabs his coat while holding an umbrella. I put on my hood and head for the BMW behind them.
We make it to the cemetery and I see a handful of my grandmother's friends. Crying, mourning and praying for her return. If only they knew they're just wasting their time. I would know. My parents exit the car and my eyes land on a black Cadillac hearse. About four men take out the casket and place it under a navy blue tent because it's drizzling now. An older man starts talking, but I'm not really paying any attention. Artie and his parents show up and stand beside mine. I look at them confused and breathe out angrily.
"What are they doing here?" I ask my father while clenching my teeth. They shouldn't be here. None of them should be here.
"I invited them."
"They have no reason to be here. What are you going to do? Set up a freaking picnic and talk crap like you always do? This isn't a tea party or a freaking community gathering. This is your own flesh being buried before you. Have some decency."
"I-I want to change, Brittany."
"She's dead now. You should have done that when she was alive." I retort and a tear streams down my face. His eyes fill with anger and now I know I hit him right where it hurts the most. He'll never change. Believe me, he won't. He says that every couple of years; just to start fresh again. It's like a cycle with him. What he does is so predictable. My mother glares at me and I focus on my grandmother again. The light grey casket starts to lower into the ground below me. Tears are streaming down my face as I watch her being ripped right away from me.
"I know this is going to sound really selfish," I whisper weakly and kneel on the wet grass as she continues to go lower. "but why'd you leave me?"
The Gardenia I was holding onto slowly drops and lands on the very top. A tear rolls down my cheek and lands on the dirt the men are shoveling above the casket. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, but when I turn to see there's no one there. Then I realize she'll always be with me. No matter what. The cool breeze sends shivers down my spine. My father is standing under an umbrella with my mother and god; I wish it was pouring right now. That way they wouldn't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
About an hour later, we head home. My father orders Amelia to make something to eat as I start walking for my room. Suddenly, he grabs my arm and throws me to the floor. I land on my knees and he lets out a chuckle.
"That stunt you pulled wasn't very smart." he says angrily and I start crawling backwards towards the stairs.
"Oh no, no." he grabs me by my jacket and sits me down on the stairs in front of him.
Smack.
Right across my face. The taste of blood takes over my mouth and I bite my tongue to hold back tears.
Smack.
This time on the opposite cheek. The left part of my lip stings and when I touch it gently, I see blood. My mother is watching me from afar and what does she do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He grabs my arm again and brings my ear inches away from his lips.
"Never disrespect me ever again." he hisses and pushes me to the stairs again. My lips quiver and my hands start to shake. They can't see me cry. I won't let them. He heads over to the liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of wine. I shake my head ashamed and run up to my room. I flop face down into my pillow and groan loudly. After a couple of minutes, I hear a -clack- sound on the sliding door to my balcony. Santana is waving from the ground with a huge smile. My heart stops and I immediately start to panic.
"Santana, what are you doing here?" I ask as she climbs up the ladder and steps beside me. She's struggling for air while I shiver in my spot.
"You said your grandmother's funeral was today, so I wanted to see how you were doing."
My face begins to flush red, I can feel it. She smiles and opens her mouth to speak, but I lean in to hug her. My arms wrap around her neck and I rest my head on her shoulder. Her arms wrap around my waist tightly and I feel so at ease. Finally, the warmth I've longed for since...forever. I knew what she was going to bring up; my split lip. This will distract her for now.
"Thank you." I whisper and she buries her face into the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent. She doesn't respond, instead she just holds me tighter. I need this. I've always needed this. We separate and I take her inside to my room.
"How could you walk dogs in this weather?" I ask and hand her the clothes she left behind yesterday. Her eyes keep glances at my lip, so I try not to face her as much. She puts her hands in her pocket and sighs.
"Well uhh, I wasn't." she confesses and averts her eyes to the floor. My eyes narrow in a confused expression and she giggles while lying down on the right side of my bed.
"Quinn came in to talk to me yesterday during lunch. Did I tell you?"
"No."
"She was almost as mad as you." she replies and places her hands on her stomach.
"What'd you guys talk about?"
She shrugs. "Just about what happened."
I nod a little unconvinced and sigh.
"Did you know cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day?" she asks randomly and I begin to laugh loudly.
"Where'd you get that from?" I question and lie down next to her while holding my stomach from laughing so much. She giggles and sits up facing me.
"I just wanted you to smile." she states and pinches my cheek lightly. Her smile quickly fades away, as does mine. "Britt, what happen to your lip?" she asks and strokes under it gently, like I had done to hers yesterday. I don't respond. I stay silent. Motionless. She'll catch on.
"He did this to you, didn't he?" she asks softly, but I still don't respond. She sighs and shakes her head ashamed.
"Get the hell out!" my father shouts suddenly and I hear glass break. Santana's eyes widen and I stay still, looking up at the ceiling.
"Don't worry; they do that all the time." I say, but don't make eye contact with her.
"We need do something. You shouldn't live here anymore. It's too dangerous." she tells me worriedly. "Why do you stay here, Britt?"
"Why don't I leave?" I reply and sit up. Our eyes lock. She must have caught what I meant by that. Her. That's why I don't leave. Her eyes fill with tears, but she blinks them away quickly. A smile comes across her face and my heart starts pounding uncontrollably.
"Do you have a screw driver?" she asks out of nowhere. I narrow my eyes and go into the last drawer in my dresser.
"Why do you need this?"
"C'mon." she says and we start going down the ladder out of my balcony. Then, she leads me out and we head for the woods; to my cabin. Weird thing is, we keep walking and she stops by the creek. Her eyes land on a tall, stiff, worn out tree. She starts engraving words forcefully. A huge smile comes across her face and she moves herself so I can see what she did. My eyes meet with 'B&S' with a heart around it and below, it says 'Stay strong'.
"This tree represents you and I. Us. We're weak, we're drained and so beat up, but we're still standing." she states and pats the tree next to her. "Just like old Oaky here."
The feeling in my stomach starts increasing as I stare at her. I race to my cabin, get my camera and snap a picture of the tree. She laughs and steps closer to me. My hands begin to shake as I grip my camera because of how nervous she makes me.
"Can I ask you something?"
She nods; a soft nod that assures me I'm safe to continue.
"What does 'eres tan hermosa' mean?"
She giggles. "It means: you're beautiful."
I nod and lick my lips, then wince a little because of my small bruise. Our hands intertwine and I snap a picture of my right hand with her left. "Eres tan hermosa, San." I tell her and she laughs. My Spanish isn't the greatest, but I manage.
"So are you, Britt." she whispers and twirls my hair with her index finger. A short breath escapes my lips as I absorb her beauty before me. The photos I took earlier finally dry, so I stick them in my back pocket. We stay motionless staring at each other, then realize it's starting to drizzle. She hugs me under her arms and I hug my camera. We run to the right side, a little behind my house, and stand for a moment. The drizzling stopped, so it's okay for now. Even if it were raining, I'd still stand beside her. She pushes me lightly to go up and I do so, but she doesn't come behind me.
"You can't stay?" I ask hopefully from above her and she shakes her head.
"I work at the mini-mart today till ten."
I frown and she giggles. "I gotta make money, sweetie." she says and bites her lip.
"You can work for me." I tease and she raises her eyebrows with a grin.
"When do I start?"
I laugh. My heart begins to flutter at the sight of her smirk. She's so cute. So spontaneous and just so...addicting. It's hard to see her leave. I grab her clothes that she left here yesterday and throw them down to her.
"Thanks." she says and starts walking backwards. "Bye, Britt." she whispers and disappears passed the gate.
"Bye, San." I reply to the wind and walk into my room. The picture in the back of my pocket is slightly drenched, so I leave it on the side of my mirror for it to dry. It looks cute just sitting there. Santana's hand fits perfectly in mine. As if I was born to be with her. Maybe I was.
—
After a long nap, Amelia knocks on my bedroom door. She comes in with a tray, like always, and sets it down on my lap as I sit up. Her eyes land on my damaged lip and she sighs.
"Oh Brittany, always rebelling." she teases and gently dabs my lip with a wet paper towel. I giggle. It's funny because I don't rebel. At least I don't think I do. Both my mother and father push me to the edge sometimes. Amelia pushes the glass of apple juice towards me and I sip some. I look out the sliding door that leads to my balcony and see that the sun is out. My clock reads: 4:41 pm.
"Well mi niña, I'm going to the mini-mart. Don't make your parents angry." she tells me and starts walking out. I grab her wrist instantly and pull her back again.
"Can I come?" I ask with pleading eyes. She thinks for a moment, then smiles and tells me to hurry since my dad is in his office. We get out quietly and call a cab.
About twenty minutes later, we arrive at the mini-mart. My heart prances around as I go looking for Santana. Then I see her. She's pushing carts out of the small parking lot and wearing a bright orange vest under a burgundy t-shirt with some black pants. She sees me. My heart stops. As she walks towards me, Amelia smiles.
"Hey Amelia." Santana greets her and smiles at me.
"Take care of her for now okay, Santana?"
She nods and steps closer to me. Amelia throws a wink my direction and walks into the small store.
"What are you doing here?"
I shrug.
"This is a dangerous place for you, Britt." her eyes look so hopeless and scared. I look around and see some guys at a corner drinking liquor from a paper bag and across the street, there are more guys. Some with beards, some with tattoos, and some with huge cigars. It's kind of scary actually. I don't know where I am. What's weird is that she doesn't seem afraid at all. The guys from the corner start walking towards our direction and my stomach begins to turn. They're smiling and whistling at us from afar.
"What the hell. C'mon, get inside." Santana walks behind me, holding my left arm with her left hand and placing her right hand on my lower back; guiding me through.
"With a face like yours, I'll have to outrun all these people." she tells me with a grin and taps my nose. I laugh and stand in front of her; just staring at her. She can be doing nothing and all I'd want to do is touch her, hug her, and never let go. My instincts kick in and I lean in for a hug; her arms around my waist and mine around her neck. She exhales. Her warm breath tickles my skin as she buries her face in my neck. It's intimate. It's affectionate. And it's passionate. Just like the novels. Who knew a hug would feel so amazing. We separate and I see Amelia waiting for someone to scan her items at the cashier. Santana smiles and goes behind the cash register. A huge smile comes across my face as I watch her bag the items. She puts a sign on the conveyer belt that says 'Lane closed' and walks towards me again.
"Um-uh, I'm on break. Want to grab a coffee or something?"
I look over to Amelia. She nods with a smile and walks over to talk to some ladies by the vegetable section.
We walk down the street to a small coffee shop. She opens the glass door for me and I walk inside, looking at the menu above us.
"What are you getting?" I ask and stand closer to her.
She shrugs. "I always get hot chocolate."
"I'll get that too."
She nods and the woman behind the counter takes our order.
"$4.79 will be your total."
I start taking money out, but Santana stops me and smiles.
"I got it." she whispers and takes money from her pocket. The woman receives it and we go to a table set for two.
"You didn't have to pay, San." I tell her as I take a seat across from her.
"I invited you here, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but-"
"Britt, chill. It's okay." she says and places her hand on mine. I smile and sigh contently at her touch.
After a couple of minutes, a girl about our age brings us our hot chocolate. She has light brown that seem to change color in the light and dirty blonde hair. I smile as she sets down a slice of carrot cake as well.
"We didn't order this." Santana informs the girl and pushes it away. I look up to see her response and glance at her name tag: Nicole.
"Oh, that's on me." she replies with a wink. Santana lowers her gaze and scratches her head awkwardly.
"What was that about?" I ask as the girl walks away.
"Just uh, some girl."
"Right..." I reply and stir the hot drink with a wooden stick.
She sighs and plays with the napkin on the table. "She used to have a crush on me. I'd come here every day before school early in the morning and she'd take my order." she dips her pinkie in the whipped cream on the surface of the drink and takes a lick. "No biggie."
"Do you like her?"
"No."
I scoff and sip the hot chocolate slowly.
"Why do you care anyway?" she asks annoyed. I look at her with an 'are you kidding me' expression and throw the wooden utensil on the table. Her words made my heart drop, and not in a good way. I walk out so fast, she has to sprint to catch up.
"Brittany!" she shouts, but I keep walking. Finally, she catches up to me and corners me around the block. I walk slower on purpose because I want her to chase me. I want her to care. Her breathing is heavy and I can sense how guilty she is from the look on her face.
"I didn't mean it like that." she whispers and steps closer to me once her lungs are fully recovered.
"Sorry..." she apologizes and sort of winces. "Please don't be mad. I can't handle you being mad at me."
I put on a small smile and link my arm with hers. We start walking back to the mini-mart and I see Amelia gathering the grocery bags. Santana sighs and puts her hands in her back pocket. My hearts beating like a drum solo, but I wrap my arms around her neck none the less. Another hug won't hurt, right? She breathes out deeply and wraps her arms around my waist.
"You love hugs, huh?"
"Only with you." I say in a low tone and she giggles. I didn't think she'd hear me, but I'm kind of glad she did. As I unwrap my arms, she sneaks in a light kiss on my cheek. Now I can't feel my legs. Amelia shows up beside me and we start walking to the bus stop. I wave good-bye to Santana like a goof and she waves back. My stomach is doing that thing again. It's fluttering like a butterfly on ecstasy. It won't stop and maybe it's not supposed to.
