Goodbye, My Almost Lover
Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.
Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover
Chapter Nine: Was There Anything I Could Have Said Or Done?
"The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see-the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life."
― Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits
After the incident at the supermarket she apologized to the stranger and ran out of the market, leaving behind her groceries, without looking back. There was something wrong with her. Something significant was missing and she didn't know what it was. Maybe it died with Jacob… like all her hopes and her plans.
"But you're not dead, are you?" the little voice, which sounded heartbreakingly similar to Jacob, whispered in her ear.
"The dead don't feel pain, Bella," the other voice, the Edward voice added.
"But I do," Bella said to herself, placing a hand over her heart. "Pain is all I feel."
She was stuck in that moment, when she let Jacob run from her – too stubborn to stay, too spineless to go after him, and now she would never, ever see him again.
Never hear him say her name.
Never touch him again,
Never hug him again,
Never see him smile again,
Never tell him that she loved him again,
Never tell him she was sorry,
Never know if he forgave her,
Never have a chance to say Goodbye.
Bella didn't realize she was still crying until she went to take a breath and found her throat closed and choking, her chest shuddering with the weight of her tears.
She fell to her knees in the middle of the sidewalk arms wrapped tightly around her chest in a pointless effort to hold herself together. She wondered if there was a psychic who could contact Jacob's sprit and ask him if this was what he wanted from her….
No.
Maybe there was another way. Maybe there was a vampire out there with the special ability to bring back the dead. She just needed to call the Cullens and ask...
No.
Maybe she could find some other option. Maybe the Volturi...
No.
Maybe she should just marry Edward. At least she wouldn't be alone anymore...
NO.
A warm hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her madness. She looked up to find the stranger from earlier standing there awkwardly.
"Hi," he said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.
Bella stared at him.
"Umm…So you left this," he said, gesturing to the bag of groceries at his feet.
She continued to stare and he shuffled his feet.
"I paid for them and…um…I was wondering if you needed a ride home?" he asked.
Bella blinked and the man smiled nervously.
"Why?" she asked.
The guy shrugged.
"You just look a little…" he trailed off trying to find a word to describe her.
Which word would fit her at the moment, Bella wondered.
Crazy?
Sad?
Pathetic?
"Lost," he finally settled on.
Was she lost? She didn't think so. She had lost so much in the last few months but was she herself lost?
"Here," the man called her attention back to him and held out a hand to help her up.
She stared at the hand, remembering all the times Jacob held out his hand to her and she pulled away.
What? I can't hold your hand?
It just…means something else to you than it does to me.
She hesitated for a second before gripping his hand tightly and rising to her feet.
"Come on," he said, picking up the bag. "I'll take you home."
…..
After that weird encounter, Bella stopped leaving the house. Charlie tried talking to her, but at least in her room she could lay in bed wearing Jacob's shirt and pretend that nothing had changed.
Pretend that if she called Billy's house then Jacob would answer the phone.
Pretend that if she went to his house then he'd be there waiting for her with a hug and a smile.
"Bella, he's gone," the Edward voice whispered.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up…." She covered her ears mumbling to herself.
When she went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, she disgusted herself with how pathetic she looked.
She was pale from lack of sun, ironic, since she lived in a city where it was always raining. She was skinny from never finishing her food. Her eyes were always red and puffy from all the crying she was doing, and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in a month.
If Jacob were here, no doubt he would laugh at Bella for 'sulking' and drag her off on some sort of dangerous adventure that would make her smile and feel alive.
But Jacob wasn't there.
And he was never going to be 'there' again.
She knew that she should get up, pull herself together, and go – do something- but she didn't see the point.
There was nowhere to go from here. She couldn't go to La Push - not because she knew some of the people blamed her for what happened - but because Jacob was gone, and she knew she could not bear the pain of going there without him.
She couldn't go to the Cullens house – they had left town shortly after Bella called off the wedding and Bella didn't feel like calling them to find out where they'd gone.
She couldn't call up her human friends- they all had lives and were busy with college or whatever else they had decided to do.
"Bella, he's not coming back. You have to start living," Charlie said.
Bella smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes.
"I'm fine," she said, playing with the wolf charm on her bracelet.
"No, Bells. You're not. You're in denial and that's not healthy. You need to move on," Charlie said and Bella flinched.
"I can't…I don't…No," she shook her head.
"Bella," Charlie took a step toward her.
"There's no such thing as moving on. That's a lie. Moving on, letting go? That's just another way of saying that I should forget him and I can't," Bella growled, gripping the charm so hard that it cracked.
She looked at her wrist in horror.
"No," she cried, then ran up to her room slamming the door.
"You have to let me go," Jacob said, holding her in his arms.
"I can't," Bella pleaded for him to understand. "I need you. I don't know what to do without you."
"But I'm not with you, Bella. I'm dead," Jacob said and blood started leaking out of his side.
"No!" Bella screamed in her sleep and Charlie rushed into the room, turning on the light, gently shaking her awake.
"You're alright, Bells," he sang softly. "You're okay."
Her eyes opened, tears streaming down her cheeks.
He didn't know what to do, so he handed her a glass of water from her bedside table and helped her sit up. She drank the water greedily.
"Bella, it's time," Charlie said, touching the bracelet on her wrist.
Bella nodded.
"I know," she lied.
She wasn't ready to let go yet
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