The Hardest Word
Gene stalked the antiseptic corridors of the hospital looking like some dark avenging angel and yet feeling more like the wraith he undoubtedly was. He blamed himself – even knowing that logically there was nothing he could have done. But maybe, just maybe if they hadn't argued, if he hadn't deliberately pushed her away, then none of this would have happened. This of course, being Alex knocked down and now fighting for her life somewhere in this hospital.
He had known something was wrong the moment it happened – a sensation akin to a cold knife through his heart had stopped him in his tracks and left him gasping for breath – so much so that the Fenchurch duty sergeant had had the temerity to ask if he was okay. Gene had simply staggered off in the direction of his office and slammed the door behind him while he sat down and caught his breath. He had closed his eyes for a moment and the next thing he knew he was here in the hospital – and that's when his worst fears were confirmed. Something was wrong – very wrong.
That had been a few days ago but Gene had returned to these corridors every night, not only to keep vigil over a still unconscious Alex, but also to eavesdrop as doctors and nurses talked – desperate to find out exactly what was happening to Alex – and more to the point, what would happen if…when she woke up. He had to believe that she would wake up, even if a very selfish part of him longed for her to reappear in his own world. But he only had to think of Molly to realise that in his heart he couldn't see that little girl without her mother.
It had also crossed his mind that Alex might appear in Fenchurch anyway even if she hadn't passed on. After all, she had apparently only been in a coma the first time she had appeared so why not now? When he wasn't stalking the corridors of The Royal London, he waited in his office at the station, half-hoping, half-fearing that she would walk through that door – and knowing that he would have to send her away. But she hadn't shown up so that was that. He had no idea how these things worked but maybe it was because she had already worked through all of her 'issues'? Maybe she didn't need his help and if something happened she would go straight to the The Railway Arms; do not pass 'Go', do not collect two hundred pounds.
He tried not to think about that.
Instead, he was diverted by a group of nurses chatting at the nurses' station just outside Alex's room. They didn't so much as bat an eye as he hovered closely, desperately hoping they would get around to discussing Alex. As it happened it was shift changeover and he was in luck and they systematically discussed each patient, their status and current treatment. He didn't understand a lot of the technical stuff of course but he got the gist of it. With the shift change complete, evening nurses gone and night shift now on duty, he closed his eyes, concentrated, and when he opened his eyes again he was in Alex's room.
He shook his head and shivered. "Still gives me the bloody creeps doing that."
He half-smiled and almost expected Alex to answer him, giving some smart-alec response that would get his back up. But as he turned towards the hospital bed, the realisation hit him once again that there would be no response from Alex, not tonight or possibly any other night. He walked slowly towards her bed and stood there not really knowing what to say.
"Hello love."
She looked small and vulnerable, her head swathed in bandages, her face pale but still beautiful beneath the scrapes and bruises. She wasn't connected to the life support machine any more but she still had various drips and lines going into her arms and an oxygen tube in her nose. Gene nodded to himself – he now understood a little about what the nurses had been talking about. Slow improvement…no longer life threatening….ultimate prognosis still doubtful…cognitive impairment…
The words swirled around in Gene's head until they no longer made any sense.
He gently kissed her cheek and then sat down in the visitors chair provided. He took her hand and kissed it, before clasping it in his own. The knowledge that no-one could see him, not even Alex, seemed to have given him an emotional freedom that he had never known before – he didn't care if holding her hand was soppy any more. For long moments he just looked at her, looked at the visible signs of her latest battle with life and shook his head.
"It's not fair," he said finally. "Why you? Haven't you been through enough? It's like some kind of sick joke! Just when you were getting back on your feet…when you were finding your own way back…and now this happens? I don't get it Alex."
He looked in vain for some sort of response even though he knew that it couldn't possibly happen – not yet at least.
"Listen to me – shouting me gob off again. Just ignore me." He laughed but there was no humour involved. "Like you can hear me with all the drugs they're pumping into you. Not sure if I want you to hear me or not to be honest. See, the thing is love, you're gonna be fine. Well, not fine but you're not going to die. Been listening to the nurses see? They've removed a blood clot from your brain…, that bloody brilliant brain of yours getting you into trouble again. Anyway, they don't know if it was the accident that caused it or it was there to start with." He laughed mirthlessly again. "Maybe that's all I ever was Alex – a clot on your brain? A figment? Anyway, you're going to wake up eventually and you probably won't remember any of this….or me."
He stopped talking and closed his eyes. This was what he had wanted – for Alex to forget him and get on with her life! Talk about getting what you wish for! But no matter how this had come about, Gene recognised that in a very small way, this was a blessing in disguise. Alex would wake, she wouldn't remember being haunted by him and she would start to rebuild her life again – with that plonker Adam no doubt. Gene only hoped that that bastard knew what a woman he was getting – and that he'd take care of her. He opened his eyes again.
"He's a lucky bastard that Adam. But he's your chance to have a normal life Alex – once you're better that is. You need to get away from Farringfield and get living – with Molly and with him." He kissed her forehead. "I reckon that ponce who said sorry was the hardest word had it all wrong. You see, I won't be coming back sweetheart, you won't see me again. It's too hard for both of us I reckon and I…I love you too much."
His voice cracked with emotion and he was just about to turn away when her eyelids began to flicker. He held his breath and the world stood still. He knew he should go before she woke but somehow he just couldn't move.
"Alex?"
Her eyes were open now but she didn't move at all. He risked peering closer and could see that her eyes were darting around the room but not focusing on anything in particular.
"Bols?" He moved into her line of vision – oh he knew that he shouldn't but he just couldn't help it.
She stared straight through him.
"Bols?" This time he waved his hand in front of her eyes.
Not a flicker of recognition. Nothing.
His heart sank as he recognised the truth. She couldn't see him.
Any other thoughts were immediately dispelled as the door opened and a couple of nurses rushed to Alex's bedside, alerted by her sudden return to consciousness. Gene somehow found the strength to back away from her bedside and let the nurses do their job. He turned to go towards the door but found he couldn't just leave. With one final glance towards the still silent figure in the bed he said goodbye.
"See you around Bollykecks."
And before he could change his mind his closed his eyes and wished himself away to anywhere but here.
…..to be continued
Sorry for the shortness of the chapter but I just needed it to end there...and sorry for ending it there! It is a bit depressing I admit but I hope you stick with it - its not over yet.
And thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favourited or just read the story - means a lot as always.
