When Tasha got to her physics class the next afternoon, she found Jordan waiting for her outside the door.
"Congrats on beating the rap, Yar." He extended his hand. She took it, and he pulled her in for a hug before she could protest. She quickly pulled away.
"Who told you?" she asked.
"Your suitemate … well, your ex-suitemate, Sarge."
Tasha pushed open the classroom door. Jordan followed. "When were you talking to her?"
"Couple of days ago. Why? Are you jealous?"
"Ha. Why would I be?" She perched on the edge of the front table.
"Might be nice."
"What else did she say?"
Jordan gave her a serious look. "She's pretty mad at you."
Tasha looked down at the floor. "I didn't mean to hurt her."
"She's not mad about that. She's angry because you never told her where you came from, and she said it was tantamount to lying."
Tasha looked up warily as more students began to come in and take their seats. She lowered her voice to just above a whisper. "What was I supposed to do? Say, 'Hi, I'm Tasha Yar, I raised myself on the streets of Turkana IV, I'm lucky to be alive, how are you?'"
Jordan whispered back, "You could give people half a chance before you decide you can't trust them with the truth."
"So they can pretend to be my friend out of pity? No, thank you."
"You could at least talk to her. Don't you think you owe her that much?"
"That's not really any of your business." Professor Ramirez came in, and Tasha straightened. "Excuse me." She went up to the podium. "Professor, is there any chance I could make up the first exam?"
"I don't give tests twice, Mr. Yar," he replied.
Her face fell. "I understand, sir."
"But, since your absence was beyond your control, I will make an exception for you. Come to my office hour before class on Thursday. You may take a makeup exam then."
Tasha breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, sir!"
He nodded at her and she took her seat. Jordan looked over at her. "Is that a smile? I hardly recognize you."
The smile turned into a tense line, but before she could answer, the professor called the class to order.
Two days later, Tasha was in the counselor's office for her weekly session.
"How nervous are you about this exam, on a scale of one to ten?" Counselor Lver asked.
"About a three," Tasha answered. "I've studied as hard as I could. It's not worth it to get so worked up. I know I'll pass."
"That's a good way to look at it. Perfectionism can be a trap."
"I feel like I have to do my best, though. I don't think my best will be perfect. It's barely adequate. I have such a long way to go, to catch up to everyone else."
Jin leaned forward. "Why do you say that? You're here. You made it. You have nothing to prove to anyone."
Tasha fixed her with a skeptical look. "I think it's going to take everything I've got to make it through four years. I have plenty to prove."
The counselor sat back. "Where do you draw the line, Yar? When will you know that you've achieved success? By what standard are you measuring yourself?"
Tasha was silent.
"I don't expect you to answer my questions now. I ask you to think on them. We can explore this topic in greater depth later. How is your social life?"
"Ummm … nonexistent."
"I don't think it's wise for you to ignore the social opportunities you have here at the Academy. Some of these students will be your superior officers one day, and all of them are your comrades. I'd like to see you make an effort to connect with your classmates. Have you spoken with Sajnani or Flores since the accident?"
Tasha hung her head. "No."
"I wouldn't advise you to avoid a confrontation, even though it might seem too difficult to face. The longer you wait, the better chance that resentment and guilt will grow between you. I challenge you to reach out to them, Yar."
Tasha sighed. "Okay, Jin."
The counselor gave her a sympathetic smile. "It may give you a sense of closure that you didn't even know you were missing. I have faith in you, Yar. I know you can do it."
That goes for one of us, Tasha thought.
Tasha skipped her workout to have time to eat dinner and run back to the astral sciences building after astrophysics class. She had passed her test with flying colors, but now, a new sense of dread had taken hold of her as she sat and waited on the top landing of the entrance stairs.
Her patience was soon rewarded. Saj came walking up the path with two other girls, talking and laughing together. All three stopped when they saw Tasha, and then the other two walked on, casting nervous looks her way as they went inside.
"See you in there, Sarge," one said.
Saj stood at the bottom of the stairs for a moment longer, folded her arms, tossed her braid off her shoulder, and quickly ascended, as if to pass Tasha by.
Tasha stood up. "Wait, Saj."
Saj glared at her. "What do you want, Yar?"
Tasha chewed a corner of her lip. "I wanted to apologize, and ask if you were okay."
"You already apologized at the hearing, and they said it wasn't your fault."
"I know. I just … I'm sorry to have put you through the whole ordeal. I hope you can forgive me."
Saj frowned. "I don't get you, Yar. Why didn't you tell us the truth from the start? You never said where you were from, or how long you'd been on Earth, or that you might need a little help sometimes. Why? I'm not a monster. I would have understood."
Tasha couldn't meet the other girl's intense gaze. "I just couldn't, Saj. I'm not … I'm not like you. I'm trying to do my best here, but I keep screwing up."
Saj looked at Tasha's forlorn face and let her arms fall to her sides. "We could've been friends, you know. Instead, you broke my face. I mean, some people say, 'I'm gonna break your face,' but I never thought I'd meet someone who would actually do it." She cocked her head at Tasha's down-turned eyes. "That's a joke."
Tasha gave her a serious look. "I'm so sorry about everything."
"Hey, no hard feelings. It was an accident." Saj looked back at the door. "I'm gonna be late for lab if I don't get a move on. Are we okay?"
Tasha nodded. "Yeah, we're okay. But what about Flores?"
Saj made a sound of exasperation. "She has bigger problems right now. That meathead has somehow gotten us involved in a prank war with the 13th floor. When I got home last night, I found all of the furniture piled up in a tower in front of the 14-D door. It took an hour to get everything back where it belonged. I don't know how they got in, but Flores vowed to escalate. She's gonna end up with a reprimand on her record if she doesn't watch out." Saj took a few steps to the door. "I've really gotta haul. See you around, Yar. I'm glad we talked."
"Me, too. See ya." Tasha exhaled a sibilant sigh as Saj pushed open the door and went inside.
As the weeks went by, Tasha was gratified to feel the spotlight of notoriety turn away from her, as the campus was scandalized first by a shakeup in the attack fighter squadron assignments, and then by an out of control prank that resulted in an explosion in the basement of the freshman dorm. Autumn came on with the weather of summer, giving everyone on campus the equivalent of spring fever. The feeling was enhanced by the approach of homecoming and its accompanying activities. Tasha looked forward to the peace of winter break.
She was standing outside in a crush of students, alumni, and faculty, craning her neck to watch a flight team demonstration during homecoming weekend, when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Flores' freckled face.
"Hey, Yar. Enjoying the show?"
Tasha nodded and went back to searching the sky. "They're outstanding. Phoenix squadron is sure to win the Rigel Cup this year. There they are!" She pointed as the five ships zoomed into view, executing a perfect maneuver and drawing oohs and ahs from the audience. "Where're your roommates?"
"They're not talking to me right now," Flores replied.
"Don't tell me you were mixed up in –"
"No, no way, that wasn't me. I may have dared a suite on 13 that they couldn't pull off reprogramming the replicators to only produce liver and onions, the way I did, without getting caught, but I have no idea how they blew up that transformer. We were two days without power. Sarge and Maynor are pretty pissed." She considered for a moment. "So's everybody else in the freshman class."
"Maybe I shouldn't be seen talking to you, then," Tasha said.
"As if. You going to the homecoming dance?" Tasha fixed her with a look. "Excuse me for living. It was just a question," Flores added.
Tasha looked back at the horizon. "I have to study."
Flores coughed and said, "Can't get a date," and coughed again.
Tasha rolled her eyes. "I think I'm not talking to you, either." She began to thread her way out of the crowd.
The Phoenix squadron burst out of the clouds for another pass, and over the roar of their engines, Flores yelled, "Grow a sense of humor, Yar!"
By midterm, Tasha decided that she had adapted to life at the Academy. Her days had settled into a continuous cycle of classes, workouts, study sessions, and formations and drills. Sleeping and eating were almost an afterthought: most meals consisted of a sandwich in the courtyard garden, and sleep was a carousel of dreamless oblivion and anxious nightmares. Midterm exams came and went, and she found herself in the center of the standings in her most difficult class, and at the top in her major. She felt like she could finally exhale.
She found time for a trip to the campus barbershop on an afternoon in the middle of the week. As she waited her turn, she listened to the chatter around her: speculation on playoff chances for various teams, lamentations about midterm standings, talk of fall break plans, and the ever-present gossip about other students. But the number one topic amongst the cadets in the room was the upcoming dance.
Tasha took her seat and listened to the whirr as the barber lowered her chair. He wrapped an apron around her neck. "What'll it be, Cadet?"
"Number three in the back. Longer on the top and the sides. You can layer it above the ears, please."
The barber hesitated. "Don't you want to grow it out a little for the Sadie Hawkins dance?"
Tasha groaned. "Not you, too!"
"Sounds like you haven't asked your date, yet. Don't worry – there's still time."
"Just give me the modified high and tight. I'm not going to that stupid dance."
"Whatever you say." The clippers buzzed on and a rain of blond hair began to trickle down the apron. "The Sadie Hawkins dance is a Starfleet tradition. It'd be a shame if you missed out."
Tasha scowled and said nothing. The barber caught her expression in the mirror, and the rest of the haircut went on in silence.
After Ramirez had dismissed astrophysics class the next afternoon, Jordan hurried to catch up with Tasha as she headed out the door. "Hey, Yar, you never told me who you're asking to the Sadie Hawkins dance."
"Will you give it a rest, Charles? I told you, I'm not going."
He fell into step beside her as she strode down the hall. "But you missed Homecoming. You can't miss this, too."
"Watch me." They reached the stairs and clattered down to the first floor with a growing crowd of students.
"You know, the guys can't ask the girls out for this dance. You have to do the asking."
"Are you deaf? I-am-not-going."
"You have to go. It's a tradition."
Tasha stopped for a moment and put her hands on her hips. "Why is everyone so obsessed with this dance? I don't get what the big deal is. It's not a crime to want to study alone in my room on a Saturday night." She set off again at a brisk pace.
Jordan kept up with her effortlessly. "You do that every Saturday night. There's no law against having fun, you know."
They pushed the front door open and went down the stairs. The heat of the day was dissipating with the setting sun. "It doesn't sound like fun to me. I don't dance, I don't like crowds, and I don't have time for foolishness." She was walking quickly in the direction of the gym.
"I know how to dance. It's easy – I could show you. And you better not tell anyone on the program board that you can't dance. They'll have you in etiquette lessons faster than warp 10."
"Why do you keep pestering me about this?"
"Face it, Yar. You know it would be fun, but you're too scared to go. You're afraid you might embarrass yourself."
Tasha stopped short and stared at him with her mouth open. "I am not scared – you take that back."
Jordan grinned at her. "If you're not scared, then ask me to go."
"You're daring me to go to this dance?" Tasha scoffed.
"You bet your ass I am."
Tasha folded her arms and shook her head. "Fine. Go to the stupid dance with me."
"Great! It's a date. I'll pick you up at 1900 hours Saturday." Jordan stole a kiss on her cheek and ran off towards the freshman dorm.
"Hey, wait! It is not! We're just going as friends!" Tasha shouted after him.
The sound of laughter carried back on the dusk breeze. Tasha kicked a stone out of her path and walked on to the gym, muttering to herself under her breath.
