"I'm sorry, Gil," Sara said, her tears spilling when disappointment filled his features, "But I can't. You know I can't."
Grissom sighed and nodded his head, then gave her a trembling smile before pulling her into his arms once again. Closing her eyes, Sara wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly to her. She wished she could have said yes to him, but how could she? She'd worked so hard to get where she was at professionally.
Her new position would be hard work and challenging at times, but she knew that given the chance to prove herself she could—would be good at it. Ecklie had put his trust in her, and she didn't want to let him, or the lab, down. And Grave was so short anyway; the shift couldn't survive without her, not right then, not as it stood. But what now, she wondered as she clung to him desperately? Did her refusal to go with him herald the end of their precarious reconciliation?
"It's okay," he said, stroking his hand to her hair. His voice was hoarse, choked with emotion. "It's okay." And then when they pulled back from each other, "I shouldn't have asked you. I had no right to ask you, Sara."
She stared back at him gravely and stroked her hand to his face. He'd let his heart talk, rather than his head; he'd taken another risk but this time it didn't pay off. "I wish I could have said yes, Gil. I really do, but I―it's the timing of it, you know?"
Her gaze averting, she reached for his hand and laced her fingers through his, stared at their joined hands while she searched for the right words to explain and make him understand that it wasn't because she didn't love him enough, but because she simply had too much going on at work right then. With a sigh, she made herself look back up. "I'd love to go on the expedition with you, you know I would, but I've only just gotten this promotion and…I can't quit, Gil. I just can't."
"Sara, honey, I'm not asking you to quit. I just thought that maybe you could take some time off. Three months off, and come with me."
And what would happen afterwards, she almost asked? She'd come back to her life in Vegas while he returned to his at sea? They'd not been able to make their long-distance relationship work the first time, she doubted they could a second time. Each would just get caught up in their own life again, and let the other slip away.
Sara dropped his hand, and turning to the table picked up their dirty plates she placed on the counter near the dishwasher. She stopped and kept her back to him while she tried to calm her racing heart. He moved behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, and she turned her face toward him, a soft smile on her lips as she brushed her cheek to his hand.
"Do you remember when Warrick died?" she asked, turning round in his arms. "And I asked you to come away with me? Take a trip on the Sea Shepherd?"
He flicked his eyes down and his shoulder lifting in a small shrug nodded his head.
"You said you couldn't come. You couldn't come because of work. Because you couldn't leave the guys short."
He wouldn't meet her eyes, but he once again nodded his head.
"It hurt me, that decision. It hurt that you put the job before me, that you chose the team's wellbeing over mine."
He looked up. "Sara—"
"No, let me finish," she said in a whisper. There was no anger in her words, no resentment or blame, she was just trying to explain why it was the same for her now. "I understand that decision now. I understand why you did what you did. I get that you had no choice."
"In the end," he cut in sadly, "I put you first, Sara. I left everything to be with you."
Her smile was warm and tender. "You did."
He let out a long breath, looked at her straight in the eye.
"It's too soon, Gil. I can't just drop everything, however tempting it is."
Grissom gave her a slow, resigned nod. "I know."
His dejection brought fresh tears to her eyes. "Hold me," she whispered breathlessly. "Tell me I haven't spoiled everything between us again. I couldn't stand it if I had."
"Oh, Sara," he said, pulling her into his arms.
They held each other tightly again for a long moment before Grissom moved. Her decision weighed heavily on her mind, and suddenly she felt drained. It didn't help that she hadn't slept in nearly twenty-four hours either. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against his chest and thought she could go to sleep there and then.
Wordlessly, he guided them to the lounge and sat them down onto the couch. He opened his arm out and tucking her legs under her she nestled her head in the crook of his shoulder while he closed his arm around her and mindlessly stroked his hand to her arm. She stifled a yawn, and then another, and found it increasingly difficult to keep her eyes open and stay awake.
"You should hit the sack," he said after a moment.
"I'm good here," she mumbled, forcing her eyes open a crack.
"You won't be any good at work tonight. Unless, of course, you're thinking of playing hooky and stay here with me instead."
A slow smile spread across her face. "I wish I could."
Smiling, he tightened his hold on her shoulder comfortingly. Sara resumed her former position with her head against him and once again closed her eyes.
"You should really go to bed," he tried again. "You'd be more comfortable."
She was warm and safe in his arms, and oh, so very comfortable. Only if you come with me, came into her head, but sleep had wrapped its warm blanket around her and she never got to voice her thought.
Sara woke to the sound of Grissom speaking on the phone. She opened her eyes and stretched her long limbs out, finding herself alone on the couch. She wiped her hand to her mouth, rolled her shoulders to work the kinks out and pushed back the blanket he'd draped over her. He was in the kitchen, and frowning she tried to listen in to what he was saying but his speech was too quiet.
The blinds had been pulled down over the windows, so only the faintest sunlight shone through. On the coffee table in front of her lay some paperwork he'd obviously been reading, a pen and his glasses discarded over the top of it. She smiled at the thought that he'd sat there working while she'd been sleeping, and realised that she liked having his things lying about the place, that she'd missed it. She stretched again, and was swinging her legs down to the floor when cell in hand Grissom returned to the lounge.
"I'm sorry," he said, a smile forming on seeing her awake, "I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't," she said, stifling a yawn.
He paused, hesitated only briefly before bending down to kiss her on the mouth. Sara smiled against his lips, then reaching her hand behind his neck to keep him in place kissed him back.
"What time is it?" she asked afterwards.
"A little after six."
Her eyes widened. "Already?" Pushing to her feet, she gathered the blanket and began folding it.
"I was on the phone to Brass," he said, and she stopped in her tracks. "He's bringing dinner. We thought we could all eat here together before you'd need to go in. He should be here around seven."
Sara paused. She had a lot on her to-do list, but it would wait. "Sounds good," she said, smiling brightly, as she placed the folded blanket on the couch. "I'm glad you called him." She motioned her hand toward the bedroom. "I'm…going to grab a shower. I won't be long."
He smiled, nodded his head. His eyes lingered on her. "You don't mind, do you?"
She retraced her steps to him and pecked him lightly on the mouth. "I don't mind at all."
A wide, playful smile dancing on his lips, he reached for her waist and gently tugged her to him. His eyes were soft and loving as they gazed at her face. He opened his mouth to speak before visibly changing his mind.
"What is it?" she asked, her eyes probing as she looked into his.
Smiling, he shook his head.
"Did Jim say something?" she tried again. "About you being here?"
"No."
She waited, and when he still didn't elucidate said, "We said we wouldn't do that any more. You were about to say something. You wanted to say something and you stopped yourself."
He shrugged. "You're going to say I'm sappy, or sweet, which is even worse."
"No, I'm not." She pinched her lips to supress her smile, but failed to.
He pursed his mouth, then shrugged. "I was just thinking how lucky I was, that's all."
Sara opened her mouth, but he raised a playful brow, challenging her to say the word and she didn't. Her lips twitched as her smile grew, and she stared at him unwaveringly. Even though a common future between them was still very uncertain, she couldn't remember the last time she'd been this happy, this carefree. She loved having him back in her life, even if it was only for a few days until he had to head back. She felt so light it was literally as if she could walk on air, and she wished it could be like that every day.
His expression darkened suddenly, and he swallowed. His eyes, bright and playful only a moment ago, were now dark with desire. The breath caught in her chest, her mouth opening in a silent gasp, as she recognised the raw emotion swirling around in their depth. Before he could look away and hide what he was feeling, she surged forward and took his mouth in a searing kiss that had him breathless and teetering. Soon, he shifted position, raising his hands to her face as he returned her kiss with passion.
Heat spread through her and she felt herself open up to him, to his touch, every inch of her body that had laid dormant for the last few years tingling as it reawakened. Her yearning for him became so intense that she was filled with a sudden need, a primal, physical need, some basic instinct almost animalistic, to make one with him there and then.
"Sara, we can't," he said, breathing hard as he pulled back.
"Why not?" she panted.
"Jim. He'll be here soon and—"
"And what?"
She lowered her hands to his pants, roughly pulling at the belt buckle, undoing the zipper. His eyes closed, and he let out a low, needy moan. She stopped and waited for him to reopen his eyes, then took a step back and pulled her t-shirt up and over her head. His lips parted as his tongue darted out to lick them. His eyes left her face, hungrily trailing down to her throat, her heaving chest, her breasts. His hands twitched by his sides, longing to touch. He wanted this as much as she did. With a hard swallow, he brought his gaze back up to her face and stared at her intently, a question in his eyes. "Are you sure?"
She gave him a trembling smile, then slowly, never breaking eye contact, nodded her head and taking his hand started walking backwards to the bedroom. Briefly, she wondered at her motivations, at whether this was her way of staking her claim on him. And maybe they were moving too fast and making a mistake, but at that moment in time she didn't care. She loved him. She needed him, craved his touch to make her feel whole again.
Their lovemaking was raw, intense, frenzied and almost desperate at times, as they made up for lost times. His touch at once familiar and different, tender and bold, had been so missed, so wanted, so fantasised about, that it quickly took her to the edge. Her orgasm, when it came, was fast and strong, so unexpected that it took even her by surprise, and as she cried out in his arms she felt him shudder inside her.
Afterwards she let out a long, contented breath and stretched herself out on the bed next to him. "God," she panted against his hot skin, "that was―"
A satisfied smile on his face, he turned his face toward her. "Unexpected."
"Magnificent."
Laughter bubbled out of him. "Magnificent, huh? Is that a ploy to get me to stay?"
She arched a brow. "Would it work if it was?"
Folding one arm under his head, he cast his eyes to the ceiling. "I wish it were this simple," he said, musingly. He sighed, then turned his head toward her. "It's been so long since I felt like this." The words caught, and he swallowed.
"I've missed you too," she said, settling herself into his side, and he pressed his lips to the top of her head.
She felt his lips pull into a smile. "Imagine if Jim were to arrive now," he said, chuckling.
Her eyes widening, she pulled back from him to look at his face. "What are we going to tell him?"
"Nothing. What happens between us is none of his business."
"Maybe it kind of is a little," she said, snuggling back against him. "He knows how I feel about you―still feel about you―and…"
"He does?"
She gave him a sad smile and nodded her head. "These last few years haven't been easy for me. Let's just say there were hard times at work, cases that got under my skin, events that shook me badly. And then there was the divorce..." Pain filled his eyes, and he refocused his gaze to the ceiling. Pausing, she propped herself up on an elbow and caught his eye. "This is us talking, right? Us being honest with each other?"
He sighed. "How do I know I'm not going to like what you're about to say?"
She'd got this far, so she made herself continue, even if her timing left a lot to be desired. "The divorce broke my heart, Gil. I know we were having our problems and hadn't been happy for some time. But as far as I was concerned, it came out of left field, and it took me a long time to put all the pieces together again. And Jim, well, he was there for me – they all were."
"He blames me for what happened between us, doesn't he? They all do."
"It's easier to blame the one who's not there to defend himself."
Sara gave him a small smile he grudgingly returned. They lay in bed for a while longer but much too soon Grissom got up and picked up his clothes off the floor while she jumped in the shower. She was coming out when the doorbell rang. She heard Grissom open the front door and greet Brass warmly.
"No Sara?" she heard Brass say. "I got a veggie one, just for her."
"She's getting ready." Grissom's voice grew distant as he spoke, and Sara guessed they'd gone through to the kitchen.
When, finally ready, she joined them there, they stood leaning against the worktop, chatting animatedly, cold beers in hand. The pizzas were waiting, still boxed, on the table next to some plates and a selection of dips and cut-up vegetables. Knowing that Brass hadn't brought those along, she frowned and wondered when Grissom would have had time to go shopping. Brass had his back to her, but Grissom looked over and smiled. Brass stopped talking and turned, and she moved forward to give him a hug. Grissom reached into the fridge and took out another bottle of beer he then held out to her. They too hadn't been there before.
"You can't have pizza without beer," he said, when briefly she hesitated.
"Hear, hear," Brass concurred, and smiling brightly she took the proffered drink.
The three sat down at the table to eat. The mood was light, friendly, as Grissom first, then Brass, regaled them with colourful work anecdotes. It was just like old times, even if every so often she caught Brass staring at them as they interacted. He had questions, understandably so, but he didn't voice them. He just took it all in his stride, enjoying the moment. She was too, very much so.
An hour passed, and catching sight of the time on the oven digital clock Sara sighed. Grissom gave her a small smile, and she shrugged. "As much as I'd love to stay," she said, pushing to her feet, "I've got to head in, but you two carry on without me."
Brass and Grissom stood up too. Sara gave Brass another hug, thanking him for the laughs and the pizza, and then made her way to the lounge for her jacket, purse and shoes. Grissom joined her there, a paper bag in hand. She pulled the hallway table drawer open and rummaged inside for some keys, a pad and pen. "Your old keys," she said, putting them down on the table. On the pad, she wrote down the code for the alarm. "You staying overnight?"
He paused. "If it's okay with you."
She gave him a bright smile. "What do you think? I just thought maybe you were thinking of going back to Betty's."
He chuckled. "I think it's best my mother doesn't know I'm here. For now, anyway. I couldn't deal with all the questioning, the―"
"Reproach?" she provided when he stopped.
He shrugged. "I was going to say lecture, but reproach too, I guess."
Sara nodded, then after watching him for a beat longer reached for her purse from the floor and made for the door. She opened it, then paused and glancing toward the main room moved forward to kiss Grissom on the lips. "I'll see you after shift."
"You will," he said, a half-smile on his lips.
Sara paused, sighed, hesitating to leave. "See you later, Jim," she called.
"Take care, Sara," he called back from the kitchen.
She looked over at Grissom again and then finally made herself leave. She was searching inside her purse for her car key when Grissom caught up with her.
"You forgot this," he said, waving the paper bag.
"Lunch?" she asked, laughing.
With a sheepish shrug, he thrust the bag into her hands. "Stay safe."
So he had gone shopping after all and made her lunch too. She gave his lips another quick kiss, then climbed into her car. Her heart felt heavy suddenly as she drove to the lab, her mind reeling with everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. Another day, and he'd be leaving again for three months, she thought then.
And assuming they decided to give their relationship another go, would three months apart be the beginning of the end once again? How would they cope with the separation, and the ones after that? Would they fall back into the same traps and grow distant again? Her heart couldn't take breaking a second time, and neither could his, she was sure.
Maybe it would be easier, certainly less painful, to remain just friends.
A smile twitched at her lips as she pulled into work.
Friends with benefits, maybe?
