((AN: credit for Easternia goes to fizzaddict))
-several days later -
"Now repeat the rules."
All the Akatsuki members, save for Hidan, let out a great sigh at the Jashinist's order. "Hidan, we've been over this a dozen times already," Kisame groaned in exasperation.
"Then you won't have any problems the thirteenth time, will ya, dumbass?"
Realizing that there was no arguing with a zealot once he started teaching his religion, the others resigned themselves to their fate and began reciting the ground rules Hidan had given them. "No talking about other deities unless in a derogatory manner. No questioning the will or teachings of Jashin. No sympathizing with squirrels. Foul language is not mandatory but preferred. Only cause organized chaos."
"What does that last one even mean, un?" Deidara inquired thoughtfully. "Isn't that an oxymoron?"
"Rule number two, bitch!" Hidan screamed while hurling a rather large book at Deidara's head.
"Ouch! That really hurt, un!"
"Good. Maybe next time you'll remember the rules better."
"Between your psycho-ness and this god-awful skirt, I'm about to just turn myself in to the police, un," Deidara growled out while rubbing a large knot that was now forming on his head.
"We've come too far for that now," Pein countered. "Now, let's go over the plan again. Hidan was put in charge of converting us by his parents, that much is the truth. From there he tried to convert us, but to no avail. Finally exhausting all known means of bringing us over to the loony side, he decided a pilgrimage to the Jashinist Reeducation Camp for Heathens was the only solution. And here we are."
"Are Jashinists seriously going to buy that?" Konan inquired, somewhat doubtful of her boyfriend's plans.
"Hn."
"…Kisa-"
"He says obviously Jashinists aren't the brightest bulbs in the hardware store. And really Itachi, fighting with you is making it hella difficult-"
"Hey, wait a Jashin-damned minute!"
"Case in point," Sasori murmured softly to Deidara.
- meanwhile, a good 24640 cubits southwest, which is to say 560 chains-
"And lo, the evil chocolate bunny Easternia enslaved the elves to mine for his eggs. For many years the poor elves were forced to do his bidding, praying for salvation from their torment. Mighty Jashin-sama heard their prayers, and lo, he came in all his glory and smote the evil Easternia. When the fierce rabbit was slain, it's chocolate blood ran like the rivers, and lo, the elves did drink from it, praising Jashin-sama." Amaifuyu grinned at the backseat towards Haku, who'd grown considerably paler as the tale went on. "And that, my dear, is the true story of Easter."
"H-how nice," Haku managed to get out with a sickly smile pasted to his lips.
Hakushi snorted at the reply. "Tch, at least it's a better story than what those Jashin-damned radicals are spewing, what with their love and forgiveness and zombie Jesus…" he waved his hands dismissively. "Kids these days. You know, back in the days where Jashinism reigned supreme, we never had to worry about all these damnable modern-day problems like over-population."
"I'll bet," Haku muttered to himself.
"Now then, continuing with the lesson! Many a year ago, from the Great Abyss of Yule, there arose a mighty prophet of Lord Jashin, who rained down terror and destruction all across the lands. And his name was Santa Claws…"
- meanwhile, backtracking the same distance previously stated -
"There it is!" Hidan excitedly cried out as a large, looming mass began to appear on the horizon. "We finally made it!" He began cheering and bouncing up and down in his seat, acting more like a kid in a toy store than a teenager going to a cult headquarters. Everyone quickly shoved their way towards the front of the vehicle, eager to get a glimpse of the fast approaching compound.
"…That's it?" Kakuzu asked in mild disbelief.
"The hell do you mean, 'that's it'?!" Hidan demanded.
"It looks like a regular old concrete building with a wall around it," Sasori elaborated.
"Duh, dumbass. What the hell were you expecting?" Guesses included such ideas as, "the fires of hell," "pillars of brimstone covered by smoke," and, "a wall made of the skins of your enemies."
Hidan sighed and began rubbing his temples. "May Jashin have mercy on you heathen idiots."
-n-
It took the group another hour to actually reach the compound. Upon closer inspection, the Akatsuki could see that the protective walls surrounding the actual camp were made of solid grey concrete, with no decoration whatsoever on the exterior to give away the building's true purpose. Surprisingly to all (save for Hidan, who was taking this all in stride), the gates of the facility were left partially open, creating a ten-foot wide crack to allow entryway into the compound. "Never give the impression Jashin would turn away a willing soul, dumbasses," was all the explanation Hidan gave.
Nervously Pein drove the van into the gates and shut off the engine, waiting for something to happen. The interior of the compound was completely deserted, save for a few patches of dead grass that at one point in time had been able to survive on the harsh desert ground. Looking around, Pein could see the one large, white building they'd spotted so many miles off was actually the centerpiece of the JRCH, with smaller wooden buildings that looked like army barracks surrounding it. Overall, it looked like this area could house several hundred people at one time, maybe even up to a thousand.
The Akatsuki leader frowned. If that was the case, where was everyone?
BAM
Deidara and Tobi let out twin shrieks of surprise when something collided with the roof of their van, making the metal cave in a foot or so and form a slight crater. The van shook slightly, as though whatever had crashed was redistributing its weight, and suddenly there was another thump as whatever had been on the roof flipped onto the hood of the car.
It was a male standing on his hands, that much was obvious rather quickly. His skin appeared to be completely encased in a robe of some sorts, save for his bare hands and a single, coal-black eye. Spiky hair a slightly darker silver than Hidan's jutted out at all angles, making the man look rather comical. The Akatsuki members began to wonder if they'd been attacked by a wandering circus performer.
"Salutations," the stranger greeted in a voice all-too-cheery for someone who's just crash-landed on the roof of someone's vehicle. "Won't you step out and say hello?"
Pein, deciding that as the leader, it was his duty to die first in the even things went horribly wrong (as they are so prone to do when Jashinists are close at hand), cautiously stepped out of the vehicle and approached the Jashinist, albeit leaving his door open in the event that a hasty retreat became necessary. He waited for the sliver-haired male to say something, but after several terse seconds of silence, it became apparent that their host wouldn't speak until the guest spoke first. "I'm Pein," the leader finally settled on. "Care to explain why crash landing on the roof of my car was the chosen method to say hello?"
The other man sighed, cheery demeanor falling away just a bit. "Well I was aiming for the windshield, but it looks like my aim was a little off." He shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, as though acknowledging that his failure couldn't be helped. "Just as well. Glass is such a pain to clean out of hair."
"Tell me about it," Hidan grumbled from behind his leader.
His sudden appearance startled both men, and Pein swore the little Jashinist took a good few years off his life. "Hidan, what are you doing out here?!"
"Leave this to me, Pein in the ass," Hidan commanded with an air of authority not previously seen in the zealot.
Pein was a bit concerned about allowing Hidan to speak with the stranger (letting the younger teen open his mouth tended to start fights or riots, oftentimes both), but on the other hand, two Jashinists would probably communicate better than one Jashinist and a 'heathen'. The ginger just had to hope Hidan could keep it together long enough to secure their safety.
The native to the camp looked Hidan over briefly, eyes finally coming to rest on the rosary dangling from the younger male's neck. "You bear the mark of our lord, I see."
"My name's Hidan Neko, and I come with friends from the Konoha sect." Pein's eyes widened ever so slightly. The zealot hadn't sworn at all, and his tone sounded borderline formal. So, even he could see the precarious position they were in.
"Kakashi Hatake, of the JRCH sect, at your service." A slight bow was made, but the mischief playing about in Kakashi's eyes indicated the man was anything but subservient. "Now that the formalities are out of the way, care to explain what the hell you're doing so far away from your territory?"
"My family ordered me to covert these heathen bastards (here Hidan jerked his thumb back towards the van) but wouldn't ya know, it's fucking impossible for one guy to do. So, I decided to bring them here and see what the hell you guys could do for help."
The elder male glowered at Hidan. "You've brought Jashin knows how many people onto our base, with no warning so that we could gather enough supplies to feed and care for their Jashin-damned hides, have no fucking idea how long they're going to be staying with us, and no doubt expect a reward for bringing these heathens into the light of Lord Jashin's grace."
"Well what do you know, you're not half as stupid as that jackass haircut makes you look."
Aaaand there went Pein's suspicions about Hidan's insight into their current position.
To the leader's immense surprise, though, Kakashi's look of pure pain and malice suddenly gave way to a grin again. "The rumors we hear about your greatness hardly do you justice, Hidan. You'll make a fine priest one day."
"Priest?" Pein inquired.
"Long story, later," Hidan muttered.
"I shall see to it that things are taken care of-"
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The trio's heads jerked to the side at the sound of the high-pitched cry. Their eyes met with the sight of a pink-haired girl, squealing like a stuck pig and jumping up and down in place. She recovered a moment later and dashed inside one of the barracks. Shortly thereafter, more screams were heard.
"Oh my," Kakashi murmured.
"The hell was that?" Pein demanded.
"You see, Hidan is something of a celebrity amongst the trainees, and…well, you'll see. Bye!" and with that, Kakashi dashed off to a nearby ladder leaning against the wall, rushed up to the top of the barricade, and quickly retracted the climbing apparatus.
"What did he mean…by…" Hidan's question was cut short by the feeling of the earth shaking beneath their feet, accompanied by what sounded like a stampede of wild beasts.
Pein realized what was coming before Hidan and quickly dove back into the van, shutting and locking the door behind him. "Everybody, get in the back and take cover!" he ordered shortly before following his own instructions.
By now, Hidan had realized he was being left at the mercy (or lack thereof) of whatever was racing towards the Akatsuki, and began pounding frantically on the side door of the van in a last-ditch attempt at sanctuary. "Let me in, damnit! I'm too young to die! There's so many heathens I haven't harassed! You Jashin-damned assholes, I swear I will kill you in your sleep with a cheese grater and a bottle of Febreze, you sons of-GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
-n-
On the inside of the van, the members listened with growing horror and regret for Hidan as a sound not unlike a thousand harpies descending on their prey resounded through the air, followed by gurgled speech and occasional swear from Hidan. "Pein, what the hell were you thinking?!" Kakuzu demanded. "It sounds like he's being ripped apart!"
"I should have known," the leader murmured with a sad shake of his head. "How could I have been so stupid…I should have known that they'd be here."
"Who's they, un?"
"Hn."
"…"
"What?! Don't look at me! If Itachi here wants to stay mad at me, he can speak English like the rest of us! I'm done translating until further notice."
Itachi glared at Kisame with pure anger (and, perhaps, was that a bit of hurt?), before deigning to answer Deidara's question. "They are creatures not quite human, not quite beast. They are born on the most unholy of nights, crafted by the dark lord himself to spread ruin and destruction throughout the land. They know or care little for anything other than what they've been taught to follow, and will not rest until their prize is claimed."
A deadly silence fell over the group, until Konan gulped and opened her mouth to speak, eyes wide and face ghostly white from fear. "You mean they're…?"
Itachi nodded gravely. "Fangirls."
-n-
"Nn…no, mama, please don't be giving me more yak milk…"
"Hey, boss lady, he's finally coming to!"
"About damn time."
Rostov blearily blinked his eyes open and began looking around at his surroundings. Where was he? And why was he tied to a chair in the middle of what looked like a clothes' closet gone horribly flamboyant, which felt like it was…moving? The last thing he remembered was being thrown out of the Akatsuki's van, and then being assaulted by some very strange people in a bus, and then…darkness. "Excusing me, but where am I?" the foreigner finally asked.
He shrieked in a most undignified manner as a sandy-blonde female with incredibly oversized glasses popped up out of nowhere and grabbed him by his collar, shaking the male mercilessly. "Out with it, damn you!"
"Out with what?!"
"The Akatsuki! Where are they going? Who's the black-haired chick? Are the others likely to join our theatre troupe?!"
"What the hell is you talking about?!" Rostov wailed. "Please, I is not knowing any Akatsuki! I am just businessman trying to provide for my five brothers and four sisters and six nieces and seven nephews-"
"LIAR!" Anna shrieked. "We heard you talking to some people in your sleep that sounded suspiciously like the folks we're trying to track now." The troupe leader calmed down, taking a deep breath and mentally willing her blood pressure down. It wouldn't do to burst another blood vessel now; her doctor was already threatening to put the girl on extended bed rest. "Listen, you. You kept talking about a black-haired person named Itachi, some Pein person, and the blond demon Deidara, whatever the hell that means. My chief actor Maria was kind enough to do a brief search online, and wouldn't you know, some of the pictures that popped up with those names happened to match Jude's description of our wayward fair maiden."
"Look, please, I know those people, but-"
"Then talk!" Anna demanded.
"Anna, your blood pressure," Prudence cautioned.
The leader sighed and began rubbing her temples in a frustrated manner. She almost wished Lennon was back here. Those songs of his were incredibly annoying, but usually distracted Anna from her rage long enough to regain her composure. "Listen, you-"
"Rostov."
"Rostov, we're in a bit of a hurry to get our hands on a member of that Akatsuki group you seem to know about. Just answer our questions, and we'll let you go. Now, we know they headed out this direction several days ago." She leaned in close to Rostov's face, eyes practically boring through his skull. "Where are they going?"
The black market dealer knew he had exactly two choices right now. On one hand, he could keep his mouth shut and incur the wrath of this psycho blonde, which could be lethal. On the other hand, he could spill his guts, escape with his life, and endure the wrath of another, even more psycho blond by the name of Deidara at an unspecified time and date, which would definitelybe lethal.
Rostov was beginning to think the devil had a thing for blonds doing his bidding.
"Well?"
"No. I is sorry, but I is wishing to be left in one piece."
Anna's eyes narrowed. "We'll see about that." The woman stood straight and held her arm out in the direction of Prudence. "Get me the tape."
Rostov felt his blood run cold as Prudence kneeled down and began rummaging through a box. What was going to happen to him? Was tape slang for some sort of new torture weapon? Was this really the end? "Excusing me, may I say a few prayers before I is dying?"
"This is a non-denominational bus," Anna warned. "Keep it short."
And as Rostov shut his eyes and began saying his farewells to this oh so cruel world, he heard the sound of Anna shuffling closer and closer, a muffled ripping noise (of what, he couldn't place), and finally, a thin pressure applied to his arms. And then…nothing.
Amazing and somewhat wary that he was still alive, Rostov cracked his eyes open and was shocked to see a six-inch strip of tape on his forearm. Was this some sort of joke?
Apparently not, if the look on Anna's face was any indication at the gravity of the situation. "Last chance."
"Never."
RIIIIIIP
"AIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Rostov howled as tears brimmed the corner of his eyes. Anna stood by emotionally in front of him, holding up the strip of tape that was now sporting a fine layer of Rostov's arm hair. "We can do this all night, Rostov."
"Please, demon woman, have mercy!"
At this plea, Anna smirked with an all too sadistic light in her eyes. "Let me tell you something, buddy. I'm responsible for over a dozen actors in this troupe, which involves keeping them clothed, bathed, and fed 24/7, 365 days a year. My right-hand woman is convinced we're living in some fictional world created by an all powerful evil author and weeps for the fourth wall every time I mention it. My best actor can't stop quoting Shakespeare, my closest friend is a 16-year-old that knows more about this bus than the god-damned pope knows about the Bible, and her brother, my sound technician, does nothing but write hippie love songs and piss me off on an hourly basis. I've got anger issues, enough ulcers to make an alcoholic proud, and 100 yards of duct tape. Mercy is not in my vocabulary."
