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AN: I am SOOOOOO SOORRYYY that it's taken me so long to update. The worst part? I don't even have a good reason. I just got caught up in freaking out over my first year of college (which has so far been surprisingly anticlimactic compared to what I was expecting) that I forgot to keep the story going. Yeah. Anyway, I will try to be a little more consistent in the future. This chapter's kinda serious, but it has it's funny moments. Hope it's worth the wait! (And sorry again!)
Anna's eyes stare dully out into the distance, her mouth frozen in a perpetual "o". This is it. I've gone too far; I've broken her. I took her mind and shattered it with my proverbial sledge hammer.
Still, she ought to be beside herself with joy once she breaks out of the shock coma. Which should be in three, two...
"No way," she whispers. Then she repeats herself, growing louder until my eardrums are about to burst. "No way, no way, no way, no way!"
"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction."
"Will you marry me?"
I closed my mouth after I'd processed what he was saying, only just then realizing it had dropped open. This was too much, too soon; I wasn't ready. Heck, I wasn't even the pre-blackout drinking age! I had to turn him down gently, tell him to ask again in a few years.
But then I was crying and accepting his proposal. My brain went on autopilot and said the right words before I could be stupid enough to say no.
"Oh, my gosh!" squeals Anna. She bounces giddily on the bed, almost knocking over the candle on her nightstand.
"Shh!" I hiss. "You'll wake up the whole house!"
"I don't care!" she says. "My best friend is engaged! How can I do anything but scream?"
"Thanks, Anna," I grin. I was right to have rushed over here as soon as I'd said goodnight to Sebastian.
"Okay, detail time," demands my friend. She 'ooh's and 'aww's at all the right moments, even smacking her forehead when I mention the fight after the fireworks, and then protesting Sebastian's trip to the Plains Nation so hard that I'm almost convinced it's her love life at stake.
Finally, when I'm done explaining and the content sighs have ceased, Anna starts bouncing and fidgeting like she knows something I don't. She stares at me with hopeful eyes and a giddy smile. I'm starting to get a little freaked out.
"What?" I ask.
"Hmm?" She won't give away any information voluntarily.
"What are you smiling about?"
"Well," she giggles, "I know you're you, so you probably haven't thought about this yet-"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Anyway," Anna continues. "Have you thought about who you want your maid of honor to be? Since you don't have any sisters, it will have to just be a really good friend."
She wiggles her eyebrows at me.
"Of course, Anna. Who else?"
She squeals. "This is so great! I can help you pick out your dress and jewelry, and I promise your bachelorette party will be amazing!"
The words fall on me like a ton of bricks.
"Oh, my gosh," I moan. "This is too much."
"Kate? Are you okay? Did I say something?"
"I can't do this."
I'm breathing faster and harder, and I try to utilize some calming techniques to avoid hyperventilating, but I can't I can't can't can't. Anna is shaking me and saying something I can't quite hear can't hear at all because a rushing sound fills my ears.
"I can't do this!" I burst out. The words tumble out of my mouth at warp speed, relieving some of the pressure in my chest. "I'm not ready to be having a bachelorette party or pick out a wedding dress or-or any of that! And I sure as heck am not ready to be somebody's wife!"
I put my head between my knees as another thought hits me.
"Oh, oh, Anna, what if I become pregnant? What if I'm a full-blown wife and mother in just a couple of years?! I can't do that! What am I supposed to do?"
"Shh," sooths Anna as I burst into tears. She hugs me tight and, as embarrassing as it is to admit, that simple act makes everything hurt a little less. "Okay, Kate. I'm gonna talk you through this, alright?"
I nod mutely and she looks me in the eye when she continues.
"Can you answer one little question? Just pretend that our entire conversation didn't even happen for a minute. Can you give me your reasons for saying 'yes' in the first place?"
I close my eyes hard while I force thoughts of the future out of my head. Instead, I imagine Sebastian's face. His forgiving smile when I broke that picture frame what seems like a century ago, his eyes and how they seemed aflame when the candle light reflected in them during our first date. The way his lips feel, full of the gentle strength of restrained passion, every time we kiss.
"Because I love him," I answer softly. "Because when I'm with Sebastian, nothing can hurt me. When we're together, I feel so safe and free and happy and...alive."
Anna smiles, and so do I.
"Good thing I got those pre-wedding jitters out of the way early, huh?" I joke. Anna shoves me as she laughs.
"Girl, you almost gave me a heart attack!" she scolds. "I thought you might actually let your brain get in the way of one of the only cases of true love I've ever seen!"
"Sorry," I say. "No more thinking for me."
"Trust me. The world will be a safer place."
"Hey! Not cool!"
"I'm sorry, sugar-booger," taunts my friend, "but you're old enough that I don't have to lie to you anymore."
"Put a muzzle on it, you big jerk! Hey, I have to head back and get some sleep, or when my mom sees how tired I am tomorrow she'll think Sebastian and I, you know, celebrated."
"Did you?"
"Anna!"
"Kidding. See ya tomorrow, then."
"'Night."
I stumble back through the dark halls, miraculously not waking anyone up with my elephantine stomping. To my surprise, my mother is still up, reading by light from an oil lamp, when I get back to my room.
"Mom? You're still awake?"
"Yes," she replies tersely. "As are you."
"I stopped by Anna's room to tell her about my date," I explain. "Is something wrong?"
She furrows her eyebrows.
"Anna, hm?" she asks. "Is that really all you did? Must have been quite the conversation."
"Well, Sebastian and I talked for a while after we got back from fireworks," I add as calmly as I can. My mother scoffs, and I narrow my eyes.
"What?" I spit. "If you have something to say, go ahead and say it."
"Excuse me?!" Her tone is full of malice. "I am your mother. I have every right to be angry if you are having sexual affairs with that old pervert!"
"Mom!" I gasp. "What is wrong with you?!"
She opens her mouth to protest the offence, but I cut her off:
"No. Don't you dare try to defend yourself. First you call your own daughter a liar, then you start saying terrible things about the man she loves. What kind of person, let alone mother, would do that? I want you gone! I was stupid to think we could actually have a relationship. I should have known long ago that my mom was never coming back, but I was dumb enough to let you get my hopes up!"
"That is enough!" Her eyes shine with a dark fire not unlike that of the madmen driven wild with hunger, to the point where they would stop a family on the road to eat out their insides. "I am sorry that I lost my temper, but that gives you no right to speak to me that way. As your parent I am allowed to be concerned about your moral judgment, or lack thereof. But no, I apologize for stepping on your fragile emotions."
"My fra-"
"Grow up!" she explodes.
I blink. "What"
"You keep insisting over and over again that you are in love with the general, that you will be just fine and won't be in danger of getting hurt with an older, powerful man. Then you have a hissy fit every time you encounter one little obstacle or have to take a single offence. If you don't want me to act so angry every time you two are intimate, then maybe you should stop acting like a child!"
The words sting, more than words ever should. It's like she knew exactly where to drive the iron so it would stick the places where I was already insecure about my relationship. Mix that with the fact she's insulting both me and a person I love, and you have a brilliant recipe for pain.
My anger is nearly wiped out. Other than straight up crying, all I can manage is a dull, lifeless facial expression. If I really reveal how my mom made me feel, no way will I ever stop hurting.
"Fine." My voice struggles to hide the confusing concoction stirring within. "Since I'm not a child, I guess I no longer need my mother. When Cameron heads back to the orchard tomorrow, you can go with him. Goodbye."
My voice cracks on the last word, and I turn away to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. I begin to leave, but I pause on the threshold, turning to look at my mother one last time.
"Sebastian asked me to marry him," I say. "That's why Anna and I talked for so long."
I walk down the dark hallway without another word.
...
Two Years After Blackout
"Dad. Dad, please don't."
He didn't respond. I blinked tears out of my eyes, dug my nails into his arm to make him listen.
"Daddy, please stay. Please don't leave me alone."
My words fell on deaf ears; he was already gone.
I turned away and closed my eyes tightly. This was not the time to cry. My dad wouldn't be able to protect me anymore, so I couldn't afford to be weak. If my mom was alive, then maybe things would be better. But she had died in a plane crash, and now I had to learn to survive without anyone else's help.
It took me three hours to dig my father's grave. I didn't stop, no matter how tired I became, because as long as I had something to do I didn't need to think.
Three weeks later, I was still in that house. I continued splitting wood for the rapidly approaching winter, moving from saplings to larger and larger trees as my arms grew stronger. That task-along with gathering food, finding and purifying water, and washing my clothes in the river-kept my mind off of my loneliness. I only began to wish for company when I split open my palm and knew I wouldn't be able to chop wood or use my bow for a few days.
That night, raiders came an hour after dark.
Torchlight passed over my head as I cowered behind the couch. I could hear my precious matches, irreplaceable dishes, and hard-earned food being dumped carelessly into burlap sacks, and I could feel the life slowly drain out of me. Why was I even bothering to hide? Even if they didn't find me, I'd soon be dead anyway with my hand too jacked up to work.
I didn't have very long to contemplate the decision of starving versus being shot. One minute my legs were cramping up from my crouched position, and the next a hand was entangling itself in my hair as one of the robbers yanked me out of my hiding spot.
"Look what I found," chuckled a man. The rest of the other thieves guffawed sickeningly.
Survival mode overtook me. My eyes flit around the room, searching, until a memory struck me. When I'd purchased my flute, I'd thought I was the coolest person in the world because the case was metallic rather than the standard black plastic. It as still on the coffee table,, where I'd left it after playing soft music to comfort my father when he'd been sick.
The laughing bandit had loosened his grip enough that I could jerk away. I only had seconds before I was ensnared again, so I lurched toward my instrument. My fingers clenched around the handle and I whirled around. The case collided with my attacker's face, and he fell to the ground. One of the other thieves knelt down to help him, while the third and final marauder turned to me.
Without letting myself stop to think, I sprinted toward the nearest doorway, into the kitchen. I dropped my flute along the way to run faster, but the robber was closing in on me quickly. I looked sideways, and I reached for a knife I'd cut meat with earlier without pausing for thought. All of a sudden, the handle was sticking out of my pursuer's chest, and the other two men were fleeing the scene.
That night I vomited and cried over what I'd done. The next morning I dragged the body to the river and then continued business as usual.
...
I awake to Agatha, the head cook, slapping me in the face with a raw chicken breast.
"Get up!" she demands. "If you don't clean your face, you will get the bird flu!"
Though I'm pretty sure my disease will be something more along the lines of, like, salmonella, I decide it will still be a good idea to take Agatha's advice.
My back is insanely sore from sleeping hunched over a table after I stormed out on my mom. I never feel completely clean after I sleep somewhere other than a bed, so it's kinda nice to have an excuse to splash cold water from the wash basin in my face. The relief only lasts so long, though, because suddenly everyone in the kitchen goes silent and I feel obligated to see what's happening.
"Kate! There you are. I've been looking all over for you!"
Every eye in the kitchen stares in shock as Sebastian comes over to me and kisses me full on the lips. It feels as amazing as always, but part of my mind keeps wandering to the fact that none of my fellow employees know that we're dating. The hilarity of the incredulous facial expressions only adds to the giddiness I feel whenever Sebastian touches me, and when he pulls away I'm giggling like crazy.
"Well, good morning to you, too," I say. "I'll admit, I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon."
"I missed you," he murmurs in between kisses on my nose, my cheeks, my neck. "And we need to talk."
I'm as red as a tomato. "In here?"
Sebastian straightens up and looks at the astonished staff, as if only just realizing where we are.
"Oh. Right. Yeah, um...this way."
His hand rests gently on the small of my back as he leads me into an empty hallway. He stops walking and pulls me into a warm embrace. I inhale the addictive scent of his cologne while he plays with my hair.
"What?" I mumble into his shoulder. "Something's wrong, isn't it?"
A morose chuckle escapes his lips.
"Yeah." His voice is rough, thick with emotion. I pull away and look into his eyes. They are just red enough for me to know it's serious.
"Sebastian," I say. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm right here for you."
On of his hands cups my face while the other wraps around my waist to pull me closer. Our stomachs touch like we're about to tango, but our eyes never leave each other.
"I love you," he whispers. His breath smells like minty tooth paste, and I hope that if the world has any justice I don't have morning breath.
"I love you so much," Sebastian repeats. "And I would never lie to you, not unless I was wrong about what I thought was the truth."
"Oh, come on, Sebastian." I half-smile. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that true love is unconditional?"
"I want to kiss you so badly right now," he says. "But if I start, I'll never stop."
"That could be arranged."
He laughs a little.
"Kate, you are so wonderful. I wish I didn't have to leave."
"Leave?" I ask, frowning. Then it dawns on me. "Oh! The Plains Nation."
He nods forlornly.
"That's what I wanted to tell you," he murmurs. "Our intell recently informed us that tensions have been mounting. We're leaving this afternoon."
It's like I've been shot in the gut. He's already leaving? This is not fair.
"Are you sure it can't wait?" I beg. "This is so sudden. Can't we just have the rest of today to say goodbye?"
"I wish we could, Kate, but this is my duty."
Suddenly, his eyes light up with the birth of a new idea.
"Come with me!" he says.
My mouth drops open. "What?"
"Just hear me out," Sebastian pleads. "The last thing I want to do is leave you here alone for a month, but maybe I don't have to! The other guys don't really bring their wives along on these kinds of things, but they all married the sort of women who wouldn't hold up on the road. You, on the other hand, used to travel on your own all the time before you started working here. So what do you say?"
"Well, I-" I stutter in surprise. "Of course I want to."
"Really? That's-"
"But."
He deflates. "But?"
I want to say yes so badly. I've never visited the Plains Nation, and beyond that, it is so cosmically unfair that a man Sebastian's age can pull off puppy dog eyes.
"But," I say against my will, "if you think it thought, this might not be a great idea. The Monroe Republic and the Plains Nation aren't exactly bff's right now. What if )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) sees my presence as a weakness, or better yet, find some way to use me against you in the negotiations.
"Besides-" I do my best to add in a smile. "-someone has to plan the wedding, right? If we leave it all to Anna, the entire Republic will go bankrupt."
I'm sure my face shows a mirror image of my fiancé's longing, but he smiles in a way that's both defeated and amused.
"Fine. Just answer me one question before I go," says Sebastian. He's using that tone of voice where I know to brace myself and try to laugh in a more attractive way than my usual snorting when the joke comes.
"I'll do my best," I promise.
He winks. "Why did I choose someone so much smarter than myself?"
Instead of answering or laughing, I start kissing him. I don't want him to go. I would much rather stand here all day, making out in our own little section of the world. Too soon though, somebody nearby clears his throat. Reality his, and Sebastian and I take a step back.
"I'm s-sorry t-to interrupt, sir."
A soldier maybe a year or two older than me stares at the ground in discomfort.
Sebastian replies evenly, "What is it?"
The young man's eyes dart up to the general's face for a split second before returning to the floor.
"G-general Matheson said to t-tell you that the, that the horses are r-ready, sir."
"Miles, huh?" Sebastian grins. "Since he knew where I'd be, I'll bet he picked someone who would be sure to feel especially awkward. Well, I won't hold you here forever. Go along, and I will be down there in a minute."
The guy nods with a quick jerk of his neck and all but runs back down the hallway.
"Well, then." I turn back to Sebastian. "Now that everyone knows, we really are official. Like, practically facebook official!"
"Oh, man!" He starts cracking up. "Geez, Kate, where do you come up with this stuff?"
"What can I say? My brain is magic."
"Seriously, though," gasps Sebastian as he futilely attempts to regain his composure. "Did you have to mention facebook? Now I'll spend the rest of the day thinking about my lost love!"
"Lost love? Don't you dare tell me you're talking about facebook!"
"No, of course not! Cityville. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get to level 50?"
"Shut up!"
We laugh so hard we wind up sitting on the ground because it's too hardtop remain standing. The image of Sebastian Monroe sitting hunched over a computer, waiting for the little yellow energy icon to refill, is ridiculous beyond words.
Of course, no laughter in the world could make us forget the inevitable.
"I'm going to miss you, Kate."
I take Sebastian's hand in mine. "It'll be okay. Just promise me you won't get hurt. Promise me you'll come home."
"Of course. We have to wait for the romantic tragedies until after we're married."
"Sebastian," I growl. He chuckles softly and brushes some hair out of my face.
"I, General Sebastian Monroe, do solemnly swear to return to you, Katherine Jefferson, the most beautiful woman in the world. Then we shall be wed and spend our lives together, henceforth and forevermore."
"Okay, Romeo, I trust you," I surrender. "Let's get you to your horse before Miles blows a gasket."
"As you wish."
He offers me an arm with a ridiculous bow, still way over exaggerating the whole gentleman thing he started with that speech. I trip over my own feet when I try to curtsy in return, but Sebastian catches me and helps me regain my footing. In the end, we decide to go with the classic arms-around-each-other's-waists thing.
I lean into Sebastian as we walk down the cruelly long hallway. I inhale only through my nose, so I can remember the intoxicating smell of his cologne. I try to remember everything: The tingling heat where his hand rubs circles on my waist; the soft, controlled sound of his breathing; the way his eyes can't stay on the hallway in front of him, because they keep drifting toward me; the feel of our hearts pounding out two conflicting rhythms simultaneously.
"There you are, Bass!" calls Miles as we meander into the courtyard. "What took you so long?"
"Got distracted. Be there in a sec."
Sebastian turns to me, and the soldiers finishing tying packs and making last-minute saddle adjustments fade away, becoming nothing more than meaningless background noise.
"I love you," I say. Instead of responding, Sebastian pulls me in for one final kiss. It doesn't last long, but too much more would feel weird in such a public place, anyway.
"I love you, too," he finally says. "And I'll see you again in a few weeks. Goodbye, Kate."
"Goodbye."
Reluctantly, he turns away and mounts his horse. After a brief conversation with Miles, he calls out an order and the whole group leaves. I don't go back inside until long after the last man has disappeared down the Philadelphia streets.
