I Uh, just wanted to say that while I appreciate Emily's review, I can't really take credit for the argument. Almost everything Snape has said thus far is stolen from the books. And Harry was a drama filled brat in some ways during this year and the next. Would have PM'd you but you didn't sign in I guess. Apparently you're all happy Sirius is here? I am too but that wasn't planned. Really all I wanted was a mess of interactions between the ship, mostly ignoring the rest of the cast to get this idea out of my head... Even though I kinda hate those fics personally. That's probably why it's turning into this really long thing and why even though they're there they feel like part of a separate story. Because plans and writing have nothing to do with each other. Thanks for reading!
She allowed her Dogfather to pull her into a tight hug. She knew no matter what, he would always be on her side. "Thought you weren't supposed to leave the house?" He rolled his eyes. "I heard you're learning occlumency. Wanted man or not, I came down here to remind Snivellus that if he hurts you he'll have it out with me." She didn't correct his tense. No reason to be the one to set off the fight that had been brewing since before her birth. But she did allow herself the opportunity to unload on a sympathetic ear.
"Either he's a terrible teacher or I'm doomed. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't keep anyone out of my head. Can't you teach me instead?" Despite looking sympathetic, Sirius shook his head. "I'm more than a bit rusty. My parents insisted I learned so I never really got past the basics." He fixed her with a rare serious stare. "You on the other hand, need to know this." She knew that. And now she felt guilty. She didn't want to let the one person who believed in her down. "I know. I just..." She let out an exasperated huff. "It seems to be impossible to clear or suppress or ignore my mind. It's never completely empty no matter how much I try and pretend otherwise."
"whoa whoa. I know exactly what you mean. And that I can help you with." His eyes unfocused as he began to explain. "The emptiness you need to start with isn't about shoving everything away. It's about bringing everything close. Peace of mind. You've got to accept everything about yourself so you're not sweeping everything under a carpet leaving an obvious hiding place for people to dig into. Once you can admit the good the bad and the ugly about yourself, you can keep it so close, so still they can't find it." He grinned, eyes back in focus. "Of course that's just the first step. A real occlumens can lie with their minds like others do with words. Show you part of the truth so you'll assume what they want you to assume. Of course the better a legilimens gets to know you the harder it is to hold things back. The best can fabricate things completely by completely understanding who that person is."
His face got that look of irritation that she had learned to associate with Snape. "There is a fine line between pretend and become. That's why I want you to stay on your guard around the greasy bat. Whatever he claims to be now, he once did follow Voldemort. And he's a good enough to fool one of the most powerful wizards in this century. I'm just hoping it's the right one."
His warning echoed Ron's, and for a moment she settled into doubt. But Heather was looking at actions and while Snape might hate her, the man had always stood between her and death. Pain, suffering - emotional and physical - he not only did not care about but actively seemed to encourage. When it counted though, he had been all that stood between her and danger. She had to believe that he didn't want her dead because if he had she would be. At least twice.
They spent the day in muggle London. With his hair properly washed and tied back, a muggle suit, and a shave he looked very little like the escaped criminal. Sirius seemed healthier too for the trip out. Telling stories, flirting shamelessly with sales ladies. He played the part of a father doting on his daughter for the day and she let him. Feeling his unconditional acceptance helped soothed the wounded part of her. The still hurting part that believed and whispered her relative's poisonous words. When it was time for her to go back she hesitated. "I want to stay with you this summer." The easy smile he had worn all day faded. "We will see what Dumbledore has to say."
She couldn't stand that trapped look on his face. "Why do you have to ask him? Wanted man or not, you're my legal guardian and live in an unfindable house." Sirius's voice turned stern. "Because he's the only one who can protect you from Voldemort." Aggravated resentment rose up inside her. "He didn't protect Lilly and James." A look of hurt flashed across his face. "That's not fair." Heather looked away. "I know. But I still feel that way." Softly she added her worst fear. "People are going to die because of me."
Sirius pulled her close. "No Snakelete. He may kill people and that's on him not you." He grabbed her chin, and lifted her face. "And we may die for you, but that's our choice, because we love you and would do anything for you." Heather's eyes began to water, blurring the care that radiated from her dogfather. "I don't want lose you. Any of you." He hugged her. "Then you won't. We will still be with you always even if you can't see us. You think your parents aren't watching you grow up? You think that Hufflepuff seeker is missing a single game?" The damn broke and she sobbed into his chest. "It's not the same!" His hand patted her hair. "I know it's not. But you will always have us and there is nothing Voldemort or anyone else can do to keep us away."
That night she tried to sort through her emotions and memories. Instead of shying away from the negative ones she looked at them. They pained ugly pictures, embarrassing ones, and ones full of pain. But she tried to say to herself that all that came before was a part of her. She didn't have to like it. But it was there. And while she cried a lot and was angry too... She felt better before she fell asleep. She did that every night until the pain wasn't so sharp. Until she could say that while she still didn't like the idea of people knowing, of people seeing the things in her head... It was her. And while they could try to use it against her, in the end she was her and they were them. They weren't her so how could they possible judge her? It was actually very calming. And while it didn't solve anything she felt lighter. Like emotional the baggage had gotten lighter.
When Malfoy caught up to her and taunted her on the fact her family couldn't stand her because she 'kissed the man who had killed her parents' she wasn't crushed by the truth or blinded by rage. Instead she actively swore not to challenge him for leadership. She'd even support him. He was suspicious but couldn't see the loophole and made the deal to leave her alone. Honestly she was glad to put aside their silly rivalry. He wasn't really a threat to her, and the Slytherins only ever followed who they chose. Sure you could try to win them over, and having them all against you sucked, but if you were good enough they'd court you not the other way around.
Feeling like she wouldn't completely fly off the handle when Snape was his usual charming self, she finally made her way back to his office. His was predictably less than ecstatic to see her.
"What precisely do you think you are doing here?" Heather clasped her hands in front of her, kept her chin up, and her tone respectful. This was important. "I've come to formally request you reinstate my lessons, Sir." She didn't hesitate before saying 'sir', but he still seemed to think she was up to something. "So you can finish what you started no doubt." Not at all referring to the subject matter.
She ignored his pity comment and continued her rehearsed speech. "I also formally apologize on behalf of myself and my deceased family for the many wrongs that have been committed against you, and wish to offer recompense. One boon big or small without limits. To be called at the time and place of your choosing. If it is within my power to grant it, I shall do so."
Heather held out the token, a magically binding physical representation of the sincerity of her offer. She had originally pulled it out to give to the Diggorys, but Amos had thrown it back at her thinking she meant to cheapen his son's death. Another reason to wish her family was alive, to have raised her to know what to do in all of these touchy situations she kept finding herself in.
"You wish to bribe your way back into lessons?" Both of his eyebrows were raised at the audacity. Quickly she tried to cut off that line of thought. "No sir. This is a separate issue. It's obviously your choice to train me or not, but you are owed a debt and I won't leave until you accept that one day you'll allow me to repay it." There. Everything was out. Hopefully he at least would take the token. She resolved to slip it under his office door if he tossed her out.
"You are a child and nothing you can give me will account for the tally set against you." The potion's professor sounded dismissive, but didn't actually end the conversation. Accepting the challenge she felt her shoulders try to straighten even more than her already exaggeratedly perfect posture. "I am the heir to the Potter family and there is much I will be capable of when I reach my majority." Letting go of her defiant tone, she lowered her voice. "However, if you prefer… I could destroy the family name and end the line."
The offer was not only sincere; it was considered the ultimate payment for transgressions amongst purebloods. Perhaps Snape wasn't a pureblood, because he simply sneered at her. "So the noble Girl-Who- Lives wants to be a self-sacrificing martyr?" It was hard not to rise to the bait, but she managed a shrug. "The titles don't mean anything to me. I thought destroying them might mean something to you. But it's your debt to ask for what you wish."
This amused him for some reason, and his next question sounded almost factious. "And if I want your first born child?" Heather considered the man carefully before replying. "If I should live so long and fruitful a life, then yes. Provided it is well cared for."
"Ah, adding stipulations?" He sounded superior, as if he had trapped her into admitting that her word meant nothing to her. She knew better than that. "I said if it is in my power. I don't have it in me to give anyone up to a monster. Especially not my own child. How could I after what was done for me?" Heather wasn't sure if she meant her parents dying to protect her, or if she meant the abuse. She supposed both.
Her head tickled briefly. It was something not close to her for just a moment but then it was gone. Not, she realized, out of her head but somehow becoming her. In her mind, pretending to be a part of it as he searched. She had the sudden epiphany that he had been training her after all, not just torture. To get her mind to recognize invaders by making it overly sensitive to the sensation. And she knew without a doubt he could have slipped in without her noticing a thing. While he might have skipped out already, this was a test. One more than just about figuring out her motives.
Carefully she took a deep breath and focused on the hug she had shared with Sirius. How safe and loved it made her feel and how foreign that felt. That was all. She kept everything else closer to her then that hug. Snape had already seen everything anyways, so if he happened to find the rest of her… all well.
Sneering Snape bit out a question, presumably having left her. "Feeling sentimental?" She felt as high as the moon. "Not particularly." Her grin was way too wide and she knew it, but it had worked. She had known Sirus and Snape hated each other. She had hoped that the memory would irritate him enough to make him leave. It had worked! Trying to tone down her glee she tacked on a 'Sir' to her sentence. His eyebrow twitch in disbelief.
Then he was back in her mind with a vengeance which was awful because her mind had been so much better since the encounter with Riddle and now it was hurting again. Instinctively she tried to pull everything close again, but it was hard with fear and doubt and anger lashing into her. She couldn't even tell her from him anymore. Before she could force herself to calm down and make it obvious by contrast he was out again.
By the look on his face that hadn't been a test, it had been a search for answers. And he was NOT pleased with what he had found.
