Sherlock's POV:
It was a week until the Christmas break and John and Sherlock were both dreading going home for the holidays. John didn't want to be in the overly Christian household he grew up in. His sister already didn't speak to their parents, they don't even acknowledge that she is getting married. They act is if she is dead, or simply doesn't exist. He didn't want that to happen to him when they found out about Sherlock.
Sherlock on the other hand didn't want to leave John. The boy who had become so important in his life, he felt like he couldn't breathe without him.
It was the eve of their last weekend together before the Christmas break and Sherlock had begrudgingly agreed to watch John's Rugby game. Sherlock was still coming to terms with the conversation he ad John had had some weeks ago. John always told him that whatever he felt was fine but how could that be true. He was different he knew that. He didn't find anyone else attractive. He only thought those things about John. Was he broken? Sherlock longed to find out what would happen if he just kissed John but what if that was it, what if he only wanted to kiss John and have John hold him. John deserved more, he deserved everything. Someone who could give him everything. Sherlock wondered why John stayed sometimes. He knew it was bad to think these things, but as he sat in the cold on the bleachers watching the love of his life run around in footy shorts after a ball he couldn't help but think that John would be better off without him. He would never leave of course, Sherlock never could. He loved John in a way that was pure, no motives, just love.
They won of course, and they made sure to let Sherlock know that without his help it would have never happened. He had been running statistics and plays for them for weeks now and without them they would be hopeless.
"Drinks on me tonight lads," Caleb shouted to the lads. He had had a few already and everyone was on their way to becoming slightly drunk. Sherlock of course had hardly had anything. He wasn't supposed to drink anyway, it was part of his sobriety program that John insisted he partook in.
"Let's play a drinking game," Jason suggested as the lads cheered at the idea.
"How about never have I ever," Kohl suggested. Some of the lads looked around questioningly.
"It's easy you just say something you've never done and if the other people have done it they have to drink." Jason explained.
"I'll go first," Kohl said. "Never have I ever kissed a girl," Everyone besides Sherlock drank including Jason who got a smirk from Kohl. There was a story there Sherlock assumed.
"You're go Harvey." Kohl chuckled.
"Okay never have I ever," He paused to think, "travelled outside The UK," no one drank besides Isaac and Sherlock. It was Fred's go.
"Never have I ever," There was a short pause, "Seen a dead body." Sherlock looked at John who was smirking and trying to hold back laughter. They maintained eye contact as they both drank. There was a little silence where everyone wasn't quite sure what to make of the interaction.
"It's your go Sherlock." Kohl reminded him.
"Uh, Never have I ever," He tried to think. What was normal, what would a normal person say. He gave up thinking and said the first thing that came to his head, "never have I ever seen a James Bond movie." This did cause John to laugh out loud before him and everyone at the table took a swig.
"Never have I ever dated a blond," It was John's turn. Victor was blonde, Sherlock remembered, so was John. Maybe he had a type. John said he did, brunettes who were tall. That fit Sherlock to a tee. He drank.
"Never have I ever kissed a boy," It was one of the straight and narrow lad's turns and Sherlock swallowed hard. John took a drink so did kohl, Jason and Nathan. Sherlock did not. He had never kissed a boy. He and Victor hadn't ever kissed not really, he had been bitten and had marks all over his body in the shape of Victors mouth but a kiss, no they had never done that. It was a first he could give John he suddenly realised. Something that wasn't tainted like his body by the experience.
"Sherlock mate are you gonna drink," Kohl asked. John shifted awkwardly beside him.
"I've never kissed a boy before." Sherlock said dumbly. That was the point of the game after all. To tell the truth by drinking. A bit silly but very effective when you come to think of it.
"You got to be kidding me? You've never kissed anyone. Mate how sheltered are you."
"Leave him alone Kohl, we can't all suck face all the time like you." John shot a glare at his team mate. He held Sherlock's hand under the table which dissipated some of the anxiety growing within him.
"Oooh touchy subject I see." Harvey cooed at John, who refused to look at any of them. Did that make Sherlock weird as well? That he had never kissed a boy. The game continued on, to much more harmless topics.
"Never have I ever been shagged by another bloke," Jason said smirking at Kohl who had to take a drink, he was obviously a bottom. Sherlock took a reluctant sip avoiding all eyes. He had been shagged. It wasn't pleasant and he wasn't sure if he should have just lied about it. The sip he took to indicate the truth was involuntary by that point; they had had quite a bit to drink. Everyone went really quiet and just stared at Sherlock and then looked to John and then back at Sherlock. John squeezed his hand under the table.
"I think we will be off now. See ya' later mates. It was a good game," Sherlock heard John say. He feels pull on his arm as John all but drags Sherlock out of the pub in which they had all been celebrating. Sherlock isn't functioning, he is remembering. He doesn't know if it was the alcohol or the questions but the room in his mind palace which holds all the memories of Victor all the things he wished he could delete but can't was flung wide open and everything has come out. All the pain and the hurt and the detachment. How he felt like he wouldn't survive, how he didn't want to.
"Come on Sherlock," He heard John mutter as he was pushed into the back of a cab on the way back to Baker street he presumed. He vaguely wondered if Mrs. Hudson would mind that he had been drinking. He assumed she would but she trusted John, trusted his judgement. They had gotten to become close over the past month.
"Are you okay sweetheart," John asks him once he had been settled on the sofa.
"Y-yeah I think so, just…" Sherlock shuddered, the room still open and the memories still flashing behind his eye lids. With John there beside him he could stay in the present, he could differentiate between the harsh touches he can feel in his mind and the gentle caress of John's hands as they run through his curls.
"It's just hard to not remember sometimes. I'm sorry John. I know how much winning meant to you. I'm sorry I ruined your celebration." Sherlock mumbled. He really did feel bad. He couldn't even keep it together for one night. Not even for John.
"It's okay sweetheart. You didn't ruin anything. Let's get you into bed and tomorrow when we are both sober we can talk about it okay." Sherlock just nodded and allowed John to unbutton his shirt and trousers. It would have had him blushing but he knew just how much John enjoyed looking after him. He had to tap down on his arousal at the thought. John looking after him, it was an appealing idea for another time.
"I would like to kiss you John. I know we shouldn't not until tomorrow at least. But I would like to give you something that no one else has taken from me. I want you to be my first," Sherlock mumbled as John tucked him into bed. John's hands faltered as he smoothed down the covers over Sherlock.
"In the morning we will talk about this Lock'." John stood and Sherlock watched him retire to his own room.
Sherlock tried to sleep he really did. His eyelids drooped and grew heavy but his mind would not shut off. The door to Victor's room was still open and Sherlock knew from experience that he would not get to sleep until it was closed which could take hours even sometimes days. Usually he got high to take away the memories, recently he had been finding that John's presence would help to shut the doors in his mind, to calm his thoughts. Sherlock wondered if he could go to him now. Would he still be allowed to crawl into John's bed, he knew John had had quite a bit to drink and the fact that his mood had been so even was just evidence to the turmoil that Sherlock knew must be going on in his head. He decided to risk it anyway. Maybe by now John was asleep he had stopped moving 20 minutes ago and it was enough time to be in a deep phase of sleep.
Sherlock padded his way to his boyfriend's bedroom and waited just outside the door. He listened for John's breathing, deep and even. He cracked to door open slightly and looked inside. John lay there eyes closed under the covers curled up on his side facing away from the door. Sherlock could see his bare shoulders from his position by the door and as quietly as he could muster crept to the unoccupied side of the bed. He slipped under the covers gently as not to disturb John's sleep and found that just the simple proximity to John help immensely. He was soon able to relax his muscles and close his eyes and within a few minutes he was well on his way to sleep.
Sherlock woke slowly the next morning, with a slight pain in his head and a mouth that was drier than the Sahara. He cracked open an eye and observed his surroundings. Oh yes, John's room. He remembered not being able to stop thinking and coming to John for comfort. Sometime during the night John had curled himself around Sherlock's lanky frame and nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck. Sherlock felt the strong arms around him tighten as John dreamt. It relaxed him in a way he didn't know was possible prior to meeting John. John mumbled in his sleep a sure sign that he was going to wake up. Sherlock panicked slightly. Would John be okay with finding Sherlock in his bed? Would he…
"Sherlock?" He felt John's tired mumble against the skin of his shoulder.
"Sorry, I couldn't sleep." Best to start with an apology just I case John was mad at him.
"S'okay. You should have woken me up for a cuddle." John nuzzled into the Sherlock's' neck comfortingly.
"I wasn't sure if you wanted me here. That's all. After last night and all." Sherlock suddenly felt very shy and a little uncomfortable in John's embrace not being able to see his face and deduce him. He squirmed slightly until John reluctantly let him go so he could turn around. What he saw was far worse than the anger or disappointment that he was anticipating instead a look of worry and pity was painted across John's face which just made all of this much harder.
"Don't. Yeah I'm sad that you felt that way I sorry and I hate everything that has ever happened to you. You just have to get used to it because I care about you. If I didn't I wouldn't feel this but I do and I know you hate that I pity you but I can't help it okay. It doesn't mean I see you as anything but perfect though. Okay?" John asked. It amazed Sherlock how John could see into his emotions and know just how he was feeling. It was John's great deducing skill, understanding other people or an emotional level.
"Okay." Sherlock acquiesced.
"Good now I always want you to feel comfortable and that was why I put you to bed in your room but if you would like we can sleep in here from now on if that is something that will help you sleep better. And nothing about last night will make me see you as any less than you. I don't care about your past all I care about is your present and your future. Now do you want to talk about that kiss I was promised or do you want to get up and have breakfast and maybe a shower first?"
"Talk, might as well not put it off. I know you must have questions." Sherlock snuggled back into John's embrace this time facing each other.
"So you have never been kissed?" John asked.
"Not that I remember," Sherlock replied not meeting John's gaze.
"It's okay Sherlock. It's a first we can have. Would that be something you would like?"
"Yes please John. I want to be able to give you something out of this relationship. You have given me so much and I always feel that you might be better off without me. Happier." Sherlock confessed.
"Oh sweetheart you can't think like that. You make me so happy just by being around. I would be happy with you if we never kissed let alone did anything else because I love you as a person, the whole package no matter what." John ran his hands up and down Sherlock's back in a comforting manner.
"I do want to kiss you John. I know we talked about attraction and I think I am attracted to you. It's not something I have ever really felt and I wasn't sure before but I am pretty sure that I want to kiss you and more." Sherlock mumbled into John's neck.
"Okay. That is… good. Yeah. Whenever you are ready for it Sherlock I'll be here for whatever you need." John's breath sounded shaky and Sherlock could only attribute it to his lips against the skin of John's neck, he smiled lightly at that thought.
"Can I kiss you now John?"
"If you want." Sherlock lifted his head from where it was rested on John's shoulder and came face to face with his boyfriend.
Sherlock catalogued John's face, his expression the slight muscle spasm in his jaw which told of a tension that Sherlock found trouble finding a cause for. He cautiously leaning towards John and felt his mind go blissfully blank as he pressed his lips lightly against John's. His eyes fluttered shut to better catalogue the feeling of John's lips on his. It wasn't at all how he expected a kiss to feel. He thought it would be wetter but it was perfect. John's hands where cradling his face now as if he might just break and Sherlock felt a tear run down behind his closed eyes at just how perfect John was.
