Chapter 9
A/N: Be warned – you may need tissues for this chapter. The lines of poetry quoted by Edith are from A Nocturnal upon St Lucy's Day, being the shortest day by John Donne.
That afternoon the autumn weather took a turn for the worse; it began to rain heavily and the wind really got up. The rain lashed the windows and the skies were impenetrably dark.
"I'm glad we didn't get caught out in this," Edith said, shivering. Johnson had lit the library fire at Anthony's request but it had not really got going yet.
Edith sat on the sofa beside her husband; with his right arm around her, holding her close to his warm muscular body she felt secure and loved.
"Are you warm enough, Edith my love?" he asked, "if not I can get a blanket for us,"
He placed his hand on her abdomen.
"I'm fine; the fire will pick up soon and I do have a rather lovely man to keep me warm,"
She looked into his eyes.
."Are you ready to tell me about the night that Maud died?"
"Yes, I believe I am because I believe I can get through anything with you beside me; even relive the most painful night of my life. But I can't promise there won't be tears."
"There would be something wrong if you didn't cry, my darling," she held his right hand, "She was your wife and you loved her."
"Yes, I did, "He looked into her eyes," First I have to tell you something. When we visited the grave yesterday I sensed she was watching us and that she was happy because she approved of you."
"I got that feeling too," she replied, "but I wasn't sure if I should say anything."
"I think that the two of you would have been good friends," he said as he affectionately nuzzled her shoulder.
OO
"The night she died was like this; cold, wet and windy, "he said, "We had had some friends over for dinner; Sir John & Lady Maria Thorne. Maud went into labour not long after dinner. I had Johnson send for Dr Clarkson and the housekeeper helped her upstairs to her room, Sir John & Lady Maria had no children; she was older than him by ten years and he was her second husband for her first had been killed in the African war. I was not alone as they promised to keep me company until it was all over; not realising it would be all over in the final sense of course,"
Edith felt comforted by the notion that her husband had not been alone.
"Dr Clarkson came and went up to the room. I paced the floor. Sir John tried to get me to sit down but I could not so he gave me brandy. I continued to pace; feeling an acute sense of dread that would not have been shaken no matter how much I had drunk. I became steadily more agitated and every sound made me jump, "he sighed, "the hours passed and I was a wreck. Not knowing what was happening or how far the labour had progressed made things worse because we always fear the unknown."
Edith cuddled him; holding him tightly in her arms as she allowed him to melt against her warm body. His lovely blue eyes were beginning to tear up.
"I honestly believed that the waiting would drive me mad,"
There was a tense silence for a few moments during which they just held each other.
"Just before midnight the howling wind died down all of a sudden when it had been rattling the casements all after midnight we heard the sound of crying, I rushed upstairs, two at a time as I recall, and was alarmed to realise that the crying came not from a newborn babe but from the housekeeper; Sir John and Lady Maria were not far behind me. When Clarkson came out of the room I felt suddenly faint and was later told that all colour had drained from my face before he even spoke and I will never forget his words for they echoed in my tear induced sleep for months, afterwards. Clarkson's expression was grave."
Edith held him tightly.
"Clarkson put his hand on my shoulder. 'I'm sorry Sir Anthony but the cord was wrapped around the child's neck, I forced her to push him out the last bit but she was exhausted. I fought to untangle the cord so I could cut it but I wasted precious seconds doing so and he was blue when I finally managed it. I tried desperately to resuscitate him but he died moments later,"
Edith held him still more tightly; aware of the fact her dress was wet with his tears.
"Oh god no," I cried, shaking and suddenly feeling cold despite the fact that the house was warm. When it dawned on me that I had lost a son I felt my heart was breaking but that was nothing compared to what came next. I asked about Maud although I somehow already knew the answer which filled me with dread. 'I'm sorry, Sir Anthony but the numerous miscarriages evidently put a greater strain on her than we realised. When she finally pushed him out she was struggling to breathe and despite my best efforts she died not ten minutes ago. I am so sorry,"
He was sobbing now; his body rigid with emotion, and Edith let him cry; saying nothing but just soothing and kissing him.
"The next few hours were a blur: I was vaguely aware of Clarkson and Sir John leading me back downstairs and giving me brandy while Lady Maria remained on the upstairs landing to comfort the distraught housekeeper. I was numb for a time but then I asked if I could see her; to face the reality that I was now a widower although it still did not seem real at that time,"
Edith had never felt as inadequate as she did right now; knowing that she would never find the words to comfort him.
"I sat by her bed. Her eyes had been closed and she had been washed and attired. They had already taken away my son fearing, I would imagine, that the grief of that would push me over the edge. I was relieved at the time but now I wish I had insisted on holding that frail body that had lived for only minutes, the body of my son and heir but I never blamed Clarkson because I knew he did everything that could have been done for them both. I sat beside her bed, holding her still warm hand, and it was like the entire world had shrunk to the size of that room."
Edith held her husband whose body was heaving with heart-rending sobs. His tears soaked her dress but she did not mind that. She just could not imagine what that night had been for him and part of her understood why he had tried to close himself off from the memories it evoked because his pain was still so very raw. Her heart "Edith, I love you," he whispered.
"I know my darling and I love you too, so very much, but she was your first love, I feel how raw your pain is and what pathetic words of mine could soothe the ache in your heart."
"None but your presence," he replied, "I did not expect to ever talk about that night again but you make me want to move on so we can have a future together; with our own baby although I am so terrified for you. I am pleased though, you know that. It is like a very sharp double-edged sword,"
"I am not ready to be lost," she whispered, "I have not endured what she did and I am young, fit and healthy."
"I'm jolly glad I have finally talked about it though as perhaps now it will bring me some peace,"
Edith rested her head on his shoulder after gently drying his tears with her warm fingers.
'TIS the year's midnight, and it is the day's,
Lucy's, who scarce seven hours herself unmasks;
The sun is spent, and now his flasks
Send forth light squibs, no constant rays;
The world's whole sap is sunk;
The general balm th' hydroptic earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the bed's-feet, life is shrunk,
Dead and interr'd ; yet all these seem to laugh,
Compared with me, who am their epitaph.
She quoted.
"A Nocturnal upon St Lucy's Day, being the shortest day," Anthony smiled a wan smile, "And I know exactly how he felt; Donne was definitely not exaggerating when he penned those lines," he kissed the top of her head, "Oh Edith my love, I promise I will do my best not to fret and fuss during your pregnancy."
"After what you have been through I think you have the right to make me sit without moving for the next five months," she replied, "But I really feel it will be alright this time for I don't have the scarring and damage she had and Dr Clarkson will keep a close eye on me,"
He held her close in his arms; aware of just how much she loved him and for the first time he noticed her face was streaked with tear tracks too so he kissed her tears away with his warm lips making her tremble ever so slightly.
"I blame myself because I should have realised the physical toll the miscarriages had had on her. I must have put undue pressure on her without realising because she must have felt bad every time she miscarried and been determined that the next time it would work out alright,"
"It was not your fault Anthony," she said vehemently, "these things happen and I am sure that, were she to walk into the room now, she would not have a bad word to say against the man she married for love,"
"You are so understanding; my darling," he said, "I think she must have sent you to love me because, in spite of my faults and lack of confidence, I know that you do."
"I love you because of them, not in spite of," she reminded him with a soft kiss on his neck.
She took his handkerchief from his pocket to dry the last of his tears. The look that passed between them said more than a thousand words ever could because it said that they loved each other and they would face whatever the future held together which was confirmed as they clasped hands.
OO
"Do you know something?" Edith said about an hour later, "I have an absolutely insatiable craving for hot toast and honey,"
"Then that is exactly what you shall have; my darling sweet Lady Strallan," he said as he rang the bell for Johnson.
