James sat with an armchair in the Head's Room. He was alone for one of the few times in his life and quite content. It was strange; he normally hated being without his friends but tonight he relished it.
He played with the ribbon in his hand absentmindedly. It was the same shade of green as Lily Evans's eyes, he noted. He had wracked his brains trying to discover whose it was and he had no earthly idea. It was dangerous, not knowing. It could have been anyone, a Slytherin or a Gryffindor. And the doe. That doe that ran out the moment it saw him. What was it doing there?
The chamber he sat in was barely lit; flames from the fire he had lit against the chilly November night flickered on the wall. The walls were thick stone, nearly a meter in width. They blocked the cold wind that hit the windows. There were candles scattered about, though he had not bothered with lighting any. The light from the fire cast itself upon the bookshelves, illuminating titles as it danced upon the wood. There was silence as far as the ear could hear; silence James readily welcomed. The ashes of the fallen wood flickered red for a few seconds before turning white. There was nothing left of them, no trace.
The fire shed light upon the ribbon for a few seconds. The ribbon glowed in his hand before going out. James didn't register the glowing; he merely gazed at the fire with an odd expression.
He felt no need to analyze who had seen Remus take the shape of a werewolf. Somehow all desire to do so had gone out with the light of the ribbon. He was content to sit in quiet, thinking nothing defining.
The door to the Room opened slowly. James didn't bother to turn around. He knew the only person who could enter was Lily.
She held in a gasp as she saw him holding her ribbon. Her hand flew instinctively to the one that tied up her hair at that moment. With a quick tug she wrenched it out of her hair, curling it into a ball within her fist.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I didn't know anyone was here."
James stared straight ahead.
"Would you like me to leave?" Lily asked hesitantly.
"It doesn't matter," he answered after a long pause. "Stay if you'd like. It's your Room as much as it is mine."
Lily bit her lip as she lit a candle that stood upon the table she so often worked on. She clasped the candle with one hand as she walked towards the bookshelves, searching for one.
It took her nearly ten minutes but she found it. With a pleased sigh, she settled into the armchair opposite of him.
Her hair began to fall into her face as she read. Without thinking, she tied it back with a white ribbon.
James saw her tying it, though he made no comment. He looked down at the ribbon in his hand and leaned further back into the chair.
There was silence for nearly an hour. A distant clock chimed midnight as they sat together, Lily reading and James staring at the fire.
He broke the quiet, speaking softly. "It was you, wasn't it?"
Lily looked up from her book. She had a surprised look in her eyes that turned into a fleeting look of fear when he spoke. She looked at him, staring into his hazel eyes. With a catch in her voice she answered simply. "Yes."
There were a million questions swarming in his mind. "Why?"
"Why what?" Lily repeated stupidly.
"Why did you go out there?" He thought for a moment. "Actually, how did you know to go out there that night? Or was it a trial and miss method, camping out every night trying to find out whether the rumors Snape started were true?" He spat the last bit out.
"I… I read your letter…" she trailed off before starting again. "The one to the Mar … Marauders. I read it. By accident, I mean. I guess I picked it up with the rest of my papers." She looked at him defiantly. "Now that I think of it, you had one of my letters too."
"But I didn't sneak off and endanger myself and others just to find out what the big secret was!" James replied angrily. "You put yourself in danger, Lily. You could have died, you could've been bitten! You put all of us in danger!"
"I didn't know… I thought it was some silly prank… a tradition… I didn't know it was so… so serious."
"Well it was—is serious. It's a big deal. It doesn't go away." He took a deep breath. "Who all have you told?"
"No one!" She cried, insulted he had even asked. "I'd never tell anyone!"
"Well how the bloody hell am I supposed to know that if you've got no problem sneaking around?"
"I wasn't 'sneaking around'. I was waiting for you all…"
"It doesn't matter, Evans. Don't do it again." James spoke with finality. "It's over."
Lily was surprised to realize how much she hated him using her surname. "'Evans'?" She looked at him. "I thought we were on first name basis."
"I thought a lot of things."
"James, I'm sorry I went there! I really am! I didn't know it was so important."
He looked at her, straight in the eyes. "You didn't know," he echoed.
"I'm so, so sorry."
James didn't answer. He turned away from her, looking back at the flames. He felt the ribbon in his hand before looking at it one last time. With a measured look, he threw it onto the fire.
Lily watched the ribbon burn. She felt as though her last contact with James had gone up in smoke. Slowly, she stood up and walked over to him. She looked at him without speaking. It was almost as if she were studying him.
His eyes were framed by black glasses. They weren't mischievous or shining the way Lily was used to. Instead they merely looked forward, unseeing. His hair fell onto his face untidily, outlining it a bit. His features were handsome and cold.
With much effort she placed her hand on top of his. "Please don't be mad at me," she gasped. She hadn't expected to feel so much pain from him being upset with her.
James looked away from the flames, at the repentant face of Lily Evans. It was such a strange situation, for him to be sitting in the same room as the girl he loved and not feel nervous or excited.
"You expect me to forgive you for everything, all the things I've gone through because of you?" He asked almost incredulously. "Did you know you've rejected me roughly 1080 times? That you swore you'd rather eat frog's intestines or skinny dip with the Giant Squid? Did you know that each time you rejected me you cut deeper into my heart?" He laughed bitterly. "Of course you knew. You relished rejecting me, Evans." He spat her name out. "You've been enjoying it ever since the day I asked you out. Do you know how much it took to ask you each time? There was a lot more suffering than you'd think. It's not easy to hear the word 'no', especially when it's relating to something you want so much. Of course it wasn't always a plain 'no'. I've got to give you credit, you did manage to vary your answers.
"And then you write your sister, who hates your guts I'm assuming, and tell her you're surprised I no longer fancy you? You don't know if you've gone down in looks? Did you really think I was that shallow, to like you for your looks only? Hate to burst your bubble, Evans, but there are plenty prettier girls around. It wasn't your looks that made me fancy you so much. It was the entire package. And yet you didn't care. You were so haughty, kept throwing it back in my face. And now that I supposedly fancy someone new, something you never bothered to ask me about, you decide that you're going to miss it?" He spoke angrily. "You've got a lot of nerve, you know. You sit there and insult me and never, not once, apologize for it. And then you follow my friends and me out, endangering all of us. So you didn't know it was dangerous. Big deal. There's plenty you don't know, Evans."
Lily couldn't speak. She listened to him without saying a word in her defense. What was there she could say.
He continued. "Here's a newsflash, Evans. I fancied you. Bloody hell, I still fancy you. I'll always fancy you. It's a fact of my life, one you've tried to ruin nonetheless. Frankly, I don't give a damn what you want. You can hate that I do or love it. It doesn't matter. The 'Neci' in my letter? That was you. But of course you figured that out, didn't you? Or wait, you thought it was someone else since Neala Waters, idiotic Neala Waters, told you that I fancied someone else. I'm sure Neala Waters thinks it's her. It's not. You can tell her so. I'm sure you'll enjoy rubbing it in, that you're still wanted and sought after by me. That's the only reason you want me to fancy you, isn't it? So you can feel pretty?" He stared at her as she sat in silence. "You've always had so much to say. Why not now?"
She looked down at her hands. Tears were about to fall if she didn't pull herself together. She took a deep breath before answering. "Because it's true."
He hadn't expected her to answer that way. He was expecting a bitter retort, an argument telling him to get off of his high horse. Her reply knocked his anger down.
She sat back down in her chair, biting her lip to keep the tears from falling. That same distant clock chimed once, signifying the extremely lateness of their conversation.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that." James said from his seat. He hadn't turned to face her.
"No, no. Don't be sorry. It's all true."
"Yes but I shouldn't have said it."
Lily closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She tried to speak calmly. "You're right though. I was awful. I am awful. I treat you terribly and I only wanted you to fancy me so I'd feel better about myself. I'm a horrible person. And I'm not saying that so you'll contradict me and tell me how wonderful I am." She looked down at her hands again. "I'm so sorry for everything, James."
James stood up from his chair and reached out his hand for hers. "Friends?" He asked quietly.
She placed hers in his gently. "Friends."
