Chapter Nine: Something Something Trees
Alternate Title: Dramatic Tension and Cliffhangers are for Posers
One minute, Kakashi was outside in the training fields. The next minute, he was Minato's house.
Kakashi quickly took stock of the situation. From the look of it, he was in the living room. Minato was standing in front of him, with a rather peculiar smile on his face. On either side of the Yondaime stood Tsunade and Jiraiya.
"Uh… sensei?" he asked in confusion.
"Kakashi, it's time we have a little talk about your recent behavior."
Kakashi played dumb. "What do you mean?"
"He means that you've been acting damn weird." Tsunade glared at Kakashi, not buying his innocent tone.
"Has something been bothering you lately? Is there anything you need tell me? You know that I'm always here for you." Minato looked concerned and just the slightest bit suspicious.
"Have you been performing illegal experiments on children while hiding a secretly psychopathic nature and a desire to gain power?" added Jiraiya.
"No!" Kakashi frowned, putting on his best "offended" face. "Why would you think that?"
Jiraiya shrugged. "You gotta admit that you've been suspicious. You have information you shouldn't have."
"As in—"
"Orochimaru. ROOT. You shouldn't have known about them."
Kakashi shrugged. "But I've told you everything, sensei. I haven't done anything wrong, have I?"
Minato hesitated. "Well… no, but you aren't acting normal."
"Is that a crime?"
Tsunade huffed, exasperated. "No, but you can understand why we're suspicious."
Shinobi Rule 41: Deny everything. No matter what.
"Nope. No idea."
"Why you little brat!" Tsunade cracked her knuckles.
Kakashi shrugged. "I just used my deduction skills for the benefit of the village." Kakashi did his best to appear wounded. "Are you really punishing me because I care about Konoha?"
"Quit the bullshit." Tsunade loomed closer.
"I'm not the one bullshitting," replied Kakashi mildly. "For example, there's the whole situation with the Hyuuga. I'm not the one who's hiding anything..." he trailed off. "Orochimaru didn't just kill them for fun, did he?"
The sannin and Minato were silent for a moment.
"It's an S-rank secret," said Minato quietly.
"That's—"
A flare of chakra from an ANBU agent waiting outside alerted the inhabitants of the room. After shooting Kakashi a look, Minato teleported outside with a flash.
In a maximum-security prison not far from the Intelligence Department, a man was sitting in a relatively comfortable cell.
He'd called in almost all his favors (and made quite a few threats) to ensure that prison, as opposed to execution, was his punishment. Danzo hadn't expected his plans to be foiled, but he had planned for the worst case scenario. As long as he was alive, there was a chance that he would escape.
And that opportunity seemed to be today. His informants had… well, informed him that the witless Hokage and the two Sannin were currently occupied.
Danzo would have smiled if he had the ability to. But since he didn't, Danzo instead felt a pinprick of satisfaction in a corner of his shriveled, basically non-existent heart.
In less than a minute, the Yondaime returned.
"What is it?" asked Tsunade.
Minato looked pale and very, very angry. "Danzo escaped," he said softly, not even bothering to hide it from Kakashi. "He has activated sleeper cells all throughout the village."
Kakashi winced. Fuck. That certainly didn't happen last time.
"We have to contain the situation."
"But first we—"
"Can I help?" interrupted Kakashi. He gave an innocent smile. "I did help bring him down before."
Minato pierced him with his gaze. Several minutes passed. Kakashi could see Minato visibly struggle with his decision. Then, a strange glint came into Minato's eyes. The Hokage had clearly made up his mind... but Kakashi wasn't sure if that was a good thing.
"Well," mumbled Jiraiya. "He didn't do anything wrong…"
"Fine. Go to where Tenzo is and reinforce his position. But behave." The or else remained unspoken.
"Since when have I not, sensei?"
"We're wasting time," growled Tsunade. "Let's go."
Chaos. Utter chaos.
"What the hell is going on?" shrieked an extremely panicked Tenzo.
"Danzo," explained Kakashi, knocking out a murderous agent. "He's escaped and seems intent on causing as much havoc as possible. That bastard."
"You're one to talk," muttered Tenzo.
"What?"
"Nothing!" Tenzo laughed nervously.
"Tenzo-sama!" Sai dropped down from the sky, dispelling his ink bird. "I have returned with new orders from the Hokage. He wants you to head to the eastern entrance."
"Tenzo-sama?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.
With a sheepish expression on his face, Tenzo waved his hand, causing a tree root to stab the attacker in the face. "Ha… well, I might have introduced him to dango… or something. He liked it, I think."
You don't say?
"Yes," replied Sai. "I shall always cherish Tenzo-sama for his actions. My respect for him is second only to dango. And the Great Anko-sama." Although Sai spoke in a completely bland monotone, his eyes were alight with passion.
"And is your respect for dango greater than your loyalty to Danzo?" asked Kakashi, eye narrowed.
If Sai didn't have the emotional range of a toenail, then he would have looked offended. "Of course."
"Ok…" Kakashi shot Tenzo a look. "What did you do to him? Did you leave him alone with Anko or something?"
"Uh, no? Not really?"
"The Great Anko-sama has taught me much," whispered Sai, stabbing a man through the eye. "Dango dango dango. Dango dango dango. Dango dango dango."
The fuck? Kakashi shook his head. "We're wasting time." Quickly, the three headed to the eastern entrance, dispatching enemies as they did so.
"Ah, Uchiha-san!"
"Tenzo-senpai."
Oh, goddamn fucking—
Kakashi's thoughts quickly devolved into a string of profanity that would have made Gai blush.
"Uchiha-san," he said, gritting his teeth. "We have got to stop meeting like this."
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Yes. You have the tendency of ending up in the worst situations." A second passed. "Though I suppose you cannot really help it. It must be in your nature." Her tone was absolutely frigid. Kakashi's eye twitched.
Tenzo looked back and forth between the two as he drop-kicked a particularly tenacious assailant. "Did…" he trailed off, deciding against it.
"Relationship problems." Sai smiled blankly. "According to The Guide to Forming Relationships for Socially-Incompetent Ninja, So Basically All of Them, awkward silences are often caused by se—"
"That's enough, Sai!" Tenzo gulped at the twin murderous looks. Sai remained unaffected.
Kakashi glanced at Itachi and sighed. It couldn't be helped. Grudgingly, he formulated a plan, factoring Itachi into the equation.
"Take my left, Tenzo. Sai, on the right." He hesitated for a millisecond. Did he have to? Yeah, he had to. "Itachi, cover my back." For some odd reason, Itachi was mad at him. A mad Itachi was not good for his health. Therefore, he had to find a way to get on her good side. He glanced again at Itachi, absently noting that she looked like entirely at ease as she cut through the traitors.
Actually, scratch that. Never mind. I'll just not deal with Itachi after this.
"Who died and made you Hokage?" grumbled Tenzo. Regardless, he obeyed Kakashi's commands. Sai followed Tenzo's lead, and after a moment of hesitation, Itachi did the same.
"Sakura."
"Yes?"
"Keep an eye on them."
"Of course."
And just as suddenly as it began, the ROOT uprising ended.
"Well. That was rather anticlimactic." Tenzo glanced at the stock-still and not-resisting heap of agents. "I wonder why they all surrendered."
"The most likely scenario suggests that Danzo has successfully escaped." Itachi watched as the Uchiha Police Force began the tedious process of disassembling the pile and arresting every agent.
"Well, I guess that means we should report to the Hokage."
Minato was not very happy.
Danzo had escaped, leaving Konoha was in disarray. Thankfully, there were practically zero casualties among the loyal ninja, though there were quite a few among the ROOT operatives. The survivors were sent to Ibiki, much to his joy (more people to torture!) and displeasure (more paperwork!).
Right now, the Yondaime was suffering from a headache. Listening to a bunch of geezers argue was never fun.
"We should declare Danzo a missing-nin!"
"What? We shouldn't take such drastic action! Danzo's a respected figure of Konoha!"
"He had brainwashed kids to kill each other. Are you getting senile, old man? Did you forget that Danzo set his rogue agents on the village today?"
"But why would Danzo do that? Sure, he had no empathy whatsoever, but he was always loyal to Konoha…"
"Has anyone considered that Danzo might just be batshit insane? No? Seriously, who understands that man!?"
It's the hair. The hair made him crazy. Kakashi continued reading his book. It wasn't his job to deal with the fallout. He was perfectly content to push that mess on other people.
Minato tried really hard not to hirashin out of there. Honestly, being Hokage could be really annoying sometimes. Minato narrowed his eyes at his bored-looking student. He'd managed to escape suspicion this time, but it wouldn't be like that for long...
"You summoned me, Hokage-sama?" Itachi knelt by the desk, head down.
"Yes." Minato crossed his arms as he thought of a good way to word his request. "I have a mission for you."
Itachi waited for him to continue.
"I need you to follow Kakashi."
Her placid expression froze in place.
"There's something off about him," said Minato. "And I need someone to keep an eye on him. Itachi, you're one of the few people who I can trust with this mission. You're also one of the few people who are strong enough to hold Kakashi off. Do you understand why I am asking this of you?"
She stared. "You want me to… follow Kakashi," she repeated, finally.
"Correct. I'll have you assigned as a supervisor for Team Seven. Between your obsessive need to monitor your brother and your relationship with Kakashi, it's the perfect excuse!" Minato looked rather pleased with himself.
Itachi's finger twitched. "I am not in a relationship with Kakashi."
The Yondaime blinked. "Really?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You're really sure?"
"Yes."
Minato pouted. "Fine…" Then, he smirked mischievously. Itachi suddenly felt rather nervous. "But I just wanted to let you know... you have my support."
Itachi's expression became stony. "The mission comes first, Hokage-sama."
"Yes, yes it does." He nodded, still smiling. "You're dismissed."
Itachi nodded stiffly and promptly vanished.
Oh, hell no.
"Why are you here, Uchiha-san?" Kakashi frowned, looking at the irate-looking heiress.
"Mission." Her tone was frostier than the Land of Snow in winter.
"Well, what's your mission?"
"My mission is to observe your status, report any discrepancies, and ensure the safety of Konoha."
Kakashi blinked. "Let me get this straight… Minato-sensei asked you to stalk me?"
A second of silence. "Yes."
Kakashi bit back a groan. Why. Why does the universe hate me!?
"Ok… but why are you here in front of me instead of stalking me in the trees like you normally do?"
Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly. "Because."
"Because why?"
"I have no obligation to tell you anything, Hatake-san," she replied, subtle venom coating her words.
Kakashi winced. "Fine." He started walking in the direction of Ichiraku's. He was supposed to meet his team there before training, and Itachi's presence wasn't going to stop him. The two walked in an awkward silence, neither willing to speak to the other. Finally, they reached the stand. But to Kakashi's surprise, none of his genin were there.
"Ah, Kakashi-san!" Teuchi beamed at the confused jonin. "Your team left a note for you."
Kakashi took the offered note.
Hey! Bakashi-sensei! You took too long, so we decided to go train! When you decide to stop being a lazy bum, meet us at the training grounds, kay? Believe it! - Naruto
I will stab you if you refuse to make me stronger. 3 3 3 - Sakura
Your death will be at my han— (Someone had apparently dragged Sasuke away before he could finish writing.)
The message ended there.
"Your students have apparently abandoned you." If it wasn't for Itachi's poker face, Kakashi would have sworn she looked smug.
He rolled his eyes. "I didn't ask for your commentary. And they didn't abandon me. They simply took the initiative, that's all."
"Right."
Kakashi frowned at Itachi. Itachi scowled back.
I don't remember her/him being this snarky before… what did I do?
"Hey, if isn't the brat!" Jiraiya boomed. "And his pretty girlfriend, too!"
"I'm not his girlfriend—"
"We're not dating—"
They both stopped and glared at each other.
"Sure you aren't…" Jiraiya grinned.
"Stop being an idiot, Jiraiya," Tsunade sighed.
Jiraiya ignored his wife. "Are you guys really keeping up that charade? It's obvious to everyone. Besides, the entire village knows that you got Itachi pregnant."
Both Itachi and Kakashi froze.
Itachi stared off into space with a haunted expression. Her sharingan had unconsciously activated, and she was doing her best impersonation of a traumatized statue.
If anyone had listened carefully, they would have heard the sound of Kakashi's sanity shattering again.
What no what is this what no pregnant and Itachi same sentence no does not compute not possible does not work what no—
Though the younger two hadn't noticed, Tsunade and Jiraiya had continued talking.
"How stupid can you be?" shouted Tsunade. "Itachi's obviously not pregnant. Any shinobi with eyes can see that!"
"I know that!" Jiraiya rubbed the back of his head. "God, I was just joking! They knew that! Right, guys?
Neither answered.
"Guys?" The Toad Sannin leaned forward and snapped his fingers. No reaction. "Huh. Apparently, I have a talent for breaking geniuses."
"That really doesn't surprised me."
Kill me kill me kill me. Please?
Kakashi desperately wanted to get out of there, but his disturbed brain refused to do anything.
"Kakashi? Itachi? Are you two ok? Hello? Oy, Tsunade! Fix them, I don't think they're working anymore!"
Finally, Kakashi switched from deer-in-headlights mode to holy-shit-flee mode and made his escape. With a swirl of leaves, he was gone.
"Hey sensei! You're finally here!" shouted Naruto. He waved his arms frantically while standing sideways on the trunk of the the tree.
Kakashi didn't respond.
"Uh… sensei?"
Kakashi still didn't respond.
Sakura stopped throwing kunai at Naruto. "Ooh, something's wrong with sensei!" she said gleefully.
"Yes…" Sasuke grinned. "Excellent." Then he realized that he was actually agreeing with Sakura and immediately began to question his world view.
With great difficulty, Kakashi managed to snap out of it. "Right…" he said, taking a deep breath. He pushed the recent revelation (no stop don't think about it) out of his mind and into the section of his brain reserved for the most disturbing events, like assassinations, torture, Rainbow Gai, and so on.. "Right!" Kakashi's eyes crinkled. "Training time!"
The three genin immediately brightened. "Really?"
"Yup! Let's start with—"
A swirl of leaves heralded the entrance of another shinobi.
"Itachi-nee? What are you doing here?"
Itachi stared at her little brother for a good five minutes before she remembered to respond. "Observing."
Sasuke frowned. "Itachi-nee, are you alright?" His expression became angry. "Did he do anything to you?" he spat.
For a second, Itachi looked a bit pained. "No."
"Hmph." Sasuke seemed unconvinced.
"Are you Sasuke's sister?" whispered Sakura, stepping closer. "Hi."
Itachi blinked as she examined the pink-haired girl. "... hello."
"Do you have the sharingan?" Sakura looked inordinately excited.
The Uchiha heiress blinked again, wondering if it was a trick question. "Yes?"
"Can I… see it?" Sakura's eyes widened. "Please?"
Itachi pondered the request, wondering if the girl would leave her alone if she agreed. Finally, Itachi's eyes flashed red, and the three tomoe spun hypnotically. After a few seconds, she deactivated her dojutsu.
"They're so pretty…" Sakura gasped. "Just like you!"
Itachi quickly took three steps back.
"But you're too old for me," decided Sakura. "And I bet Sasuke's are better."
Itachi looked vaguely relieved.
Kakashi coughed to get their attention. "Right. Training!" He tapped his chin. "Well, you three obviously know how to tree walk… how about water walking?"
"Kinda," said Naruto hesitantly. "Jiraiya-oji's showed me once, but I think it was just an excuse to go to the hot springs."
"I've never tried it." Sakura looked far too innocent.
Sasuke shook his head.
"Great! So let's go to the lake!"
"I hate you, sensei!" Surprisingly, it was Naruto who had said that. "This is goddamn stupid!"
"Language, Naruto." Kakashi watched his students fall into the lake with obvious enjoyment. Well, excluding Sakura. She had simply walked on to the lake with no difficulty. Currently, Sakura was trying to sabotage Naruto's efforts, but Naruto was fighting back just as hard. The two were rolling around in the water, each trying to gain the upper hand.
Aw, how cute! Look at the little genin trying to drown each other.
Sasuke had taken advantage of his teammate's distraction to swim to the shore. "Onee-san," he gasped, climbing out of the lake. "Help."
Itachi looked at Sasuke.
"Foolish little brother," she said, sighing. "You are still too weak." She picked him up and threw him back into the lake. The screeching Uchiha landed with a splash on top of the other two.
"Nice," said Kakashi admiringly. Sure, Itachi might be… Itachi, but even Kakashi could appreciate a perfectly-thrown genin.
"Thank you."
The two watched the struggling genin in a slightly-more companionable silence.
After the torture session known as training, the drenched genin of Team Seven gathered covertly in the field.
"Revenge," growled Sasuke. "We need revenge."
Sakura, who was looking rather drowned, agreed. "Yes. He must pay."
Naruto rubbed at his hair, trying to get the water out. "Yeah!"
"He tied us to a pole!"
"He tried to drown us!"
"He's trying to get with my sister." Sasuke's eyes glowed with hatred.
Brought together by mutual loathing, the team began to formulate a plan.
"This means war." Naruto and Sakura exchanged looks.
"Truce?" offered the blond. Sakura extended her hand, and Naruto shook it.
"From now on," declared Sasuke, "I only have one goal—no, one ambition. I will make it a reality. I must kill that man!"
Meanwhile, in a place far from Konoha…
"Events aren't going as planned."
"Maybe it's because your plans are ridiculously complicated and have a high chance of failure if even one thing goes wrong?"
"No, it's because of something else. But what?" A lone sharingan eye narrowed.
"I don't know."
"Hm. How unfortunate. But no matter. I'll just have to ... speed things up a bit." Evil, high-pitched, maniacal laughter echoed through the cave, increasing volume pitch and fervour. "Soon, everything will be exactly the way it should be!"
AN: Holy crap, I don't deserve you people. 800+ favorites and 300+ reviews? And 1K+ follows!? Sweet mother of all that's holy. Ah. I love you all so much!
Hooray! First update of 2015! In March! Uh... I really don't have an excuse for posting so late... well, I do kinda have an excuse? I've been really, really busy. That counts, right? (I'm so sorry! Ugh. Real life.)
Unfortunately, updates will continue to be slow for the next few months or so. My workload has increased exponentially, and I've barely had time for writing. Sorry about that...
As always, thanks to Duesal Bladesinger for being an amazing beta! Also, thank you Igornerd and Lord Darkly for your great help!
The next chapter should contain Sasuke's favorite thing, Kakashi's least favorite thing, and Itachi's... thing. (It's much less dirtier than it sounds, I promise!)
If for some odd reason, I didn't reply to your review, send me a PM. Fanfic net has occassionally eaten my responses. And the other times, I... might have forgotten. I promise, it's not intentional! I love and cherish every single one of your reviews.
All comments, criticisms, and concerns are welcome and appreciated.
