"…JEALOUSY"

All this time, Sha'Quon had been listening to the rumors. She had heard about Jimmy and Tika's relationship for months and was seething with jealousy. She hated this new woman who, in her eyes, had just shown up one day and took her man. Even though she knew she had been with other men, Jimmy wasn't exactly perfect, either. He had been to prison; hell, he had even tried to kill his brother. So who was he to look down on her, when his own mama didn't want to be bothered with him? As she and her homegirls where sitting outside the flat grass in the projects, talking loud and laughing louder, the early evening gossip turned to Jimmy and Tika. "I can't believe that nigga!" Sha'Quon exclaimed. "Actually fiendin' over some schoolyard hoe!"

One of her friends agreed. "I know, girl…I've been seeing them around town together, all hugged up and shit. They were cheesin' and all up in each other's faces…yeah, he definitely went below standard."

"She probably still a virgin…bitch probably ain't even seen a dick, let alone ride one!" Sha'Quon snapped, causing her friends to crack up laughing.

"Well, I know for sure that she ain't," her friend said, gruffly hoisting up her bawling toddler. "I know the dude she used to fool around with back in high school and he was always saying how he tore it up and had her crushin' for it." Sha'Quon smiled at that, the diabolical idea already forming inside her brain. "For real? "Hey, he live around here?"

"He deejays at the club some nights. Matter of fact, I think he works tonight…why?"

Sha'Quon sucked her teeth and snickered to herself. "Because I think I have an idea."

That night, Tika and Airilyn had gone back to the club. It had been their first time back in months, ever since Creole had caught Airilyn trying to hustle a drunkard. The girls were sitting at a table, talking and scanning the place for familiar face, when Tika caught notice of the DJ peering at her. Tika's festive mood darkened. Airilyn followed her friend's glance. "Ain't that Phillip?" she wondered, rising to get a closer look.

Tika grabbed her arm. "Yes!" she hissed. She pulled Airilyn up and dragged her to the other side of the club. But it was too late. He had already spotted them and was now headed toward their location. As Tika and Airilyn was about to leave through the back exit, Phillip suddenly darted in front of them. "Hey, baby girl," he greeted Tika. "How you been, girl?"

"Phillip,"Tika said with no hint of enthusiasm.

"It's good seeing you again," Phillip said, giving Tika a hug that was not reciprocated. Airilyn sneered at him, rolling her eyes. "So, what's this I hear about you getting with a jailbird?"

"You need to watch who the fuck you talkin' 'bout!" Airilyn intercepted, but Tika held her back. "Who I'm with is not your business," she retorted to Phillip, who was undaunted by either woman. "Well, to each her own, I guess. But I was just hoping that you would've gone a step up."

"Well, we can't all be peddling songs to local clubs, can we?" Tika spat sarcastically. "By the way, how's that girl that you liked so much? She found about your…problem, too? You ever get your crank fixed yet?"

Phillip frowned, his eyes squinting in anger. "You liked it pretty good, now didn't you? You weren't complaining when I used to sneak you in my mama's house. See how good you get it with that convict nigga that you messin' around with."

If Phillip had seen what was coming, he would have simply turned and run away. If he had only known what would happen next, he wouldn't have even spoken to Tika at all. However, he was completely caught off guard. He was suddenly pulled roughly by the back of his jacket, then slung like a rag doll onto the back wall. The girls stared, wide-eyed at the scene. Jimmy stood stock-straight, with a dead-eyed glare at Tika. In a voice that was dead quiet, he said, "We need to have a discussion."

Phillip stammered to his feet. It was then that he made a foolish mistake. "This the nigga that you with now?! This fool here? A damn kiddie killer? Somebody who tried to kill his kid brother?!" He then yelled at Jimmy, "You enjoy that little snoody bitch, Convict! But you just know that I wrote my name all on that there! I popped that cherry, muthafucka…while your ass was in the pen dropping the fuckin' soap!" It was then that Jimmy turned and punched Phillip dead in the face. He then proceeded to kick and stomp on him, with Airilyn immediately running to get her brother out of the club before the police came. The crowd of people ran out of the club…Tika, Airilyn, and Jimmy amongst them. Once outside, however, Jimmy snatched Tika by the arm and pulled her inside his van. "Go home, Mook!" he yelled out.

"Jimmy, what the hell's wrong with you? She didn't do nothing!" Airilyn yelled back, but Jimmy wasn't listening. He slammed the door shut, then peeled out of the parking lot. Airilyn instantly took out her cell phone and called Jey, hollering that he needed to get over to Jimmy's apartment fast. When Jey asked what was the matter, Airilyn explained everything. Jey hung up the phone and instantly started for the door. Veronica saw him leaving. "What's going on?" she asked, knowing that something was amiss.

"I gotta get to Jimmy," Jey said, walking out the door and heading to his car. "Can't talk right now…that nigga done went ill!"

Back at Jimmy's place, Jimmy was livid. "How you gon' be all up in that nigga's face?! HUH?! After what we did, you go and fuck that piss-ass bitch?! How the fuck you gon' do that shit to me, Tika?! You didn't think I'd find out about that shit?!"

"What the hell you talkin' about? I ain't been with him since high school! What you trippin' for?!" Tika shouted back.

"You and my sister all up in that damn club, with all them niggas looking and staring and leering at you! You up in there, shakin' your ass all on them muthafuckas…what the fuck is wrong with you?! Didn't I tell you I wanted you to be mine?"

Tika backed away from Jimmy, but she didn't back down from him. She liked him, liked him deeply, but she wasn't about to let any man control her. "Whoa, whoa, Baby…I don't belong to nobody! Ain't no man gonna tell me what to do! And I done told you and I done told you I ain't been with Phillip since high school, so you better quit hollering at me!" As she was fussing, she had one hand on her hip and the other hand in Jimmy's face. She waved her finger back and forth in his face, which infuriated him. In his unthinking rage, Jimmy picked Tika up by the arms and pushed her against the wall, where he repeatedly shoved her against it. Tika, not believing what was happening, but rushing to protect herself, raised up and slapped Jimmy across the head and face. She was still hitting him when Jey ran into the room and pulled her off of his brother. He then held Jimmy back while Airilyn ran to her now-crying friend. Jey repeatedly pushed and dragged Jimmy outside, where he started chiding him loudly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Uce? What the hell is going on here?"

Airilyn pulled a screaming Tika outside and escorted her into her car. "Get her outta here, Mook! Take her to my house!" He then pulled a cursing Jimmy inside the apartment, where he slammed the door shut. "You got 5 seconds to tell me what the fuck happened here!" Jey said.

"Tika was down at the fuckin' club, all on the damn DJ!" Jimmy screamed. "I found out they fuckin!"

"Mook told me that they ain't been together since they were in high school. Who told you they were fuckin', Jimmy? Who? Sha'Quon? One of her troublesome-ass project friends? Who, Jimmy? Who…told you…they were fuckin'?" Just then, a furious Creole stormed inside. "What the hell did you do, Jimmy?! What did you do to Tick-Tock?!"

"Where's she at?" Jey asked, clearly concerned.

"She's at your house, crying her eyes out!" Creole snapped, glaring at Jimmy. "Why you do that shit, Jimmy? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Tick-Tock over at Jey's house, talking about how you put her up against the wall! You put your hands on her?!"

"Well, in Tika's defense," Jey said, "she got in a few good licks herself." He did not attempt to hide his pride for Tika's ability to stand up for herself. Creole, however, was still ranting. "She should've clamped down on yo' nuts…just crunch them fuckas up! And who the fuck told you that she was fuckin' that nigga in the first place?"

"Jimmy was just about to tell me who it was," Jey told Creole. He then turned back to his older brother. Jimmy, now calm, simply responded. "The club owner did."

Creole dropped his head and shook it. He glared at Jimmy again. "You took that nigga's word, Jimmy? That low-post bastard? How the hell you gon' take his word over your woman? How you think he got his information…you know who he fuckin'? That nasty-ass gutter bitch Tangie!"

Now Jey was getting even madder. "Tangie? Are we talking about the Tangie who hangs out with Sha'Quon?"

"Hell yeah! My Poochie whooped her ass one time 'cause she was pushin' up on me!"

"Well, you weren't exactly turning it down," Jey pointed out, causing Jimmy to chuckle momentarily. Creole did not laugh. "That ain't the point!" he said quickly. "Can we get back to the man of the hour here?" Both their attentions returned to Jimmy. "You need to go to Tick-Tock and make this right. Now you weren't happy 'til you got that girl, now you wanna show your ass over some fucked-up ghetto gossip! You gon' make it right with that girl, and you ain't gon' be comin' to my house for shit until you do!" With that last declaration, Creole exited Jimmy's apartment with the same smoke and fire that he possessed when he entered. Jey looked at Jimmy, who was now realizing that he had, indeed, been duped. "Damn…Uce, I fucked up," he said quietly. "I fucked up bad."

Jey nodded slowly. "Yep…you did fuck up. The only thing to do now is for you to make this right. You have to go to Tika…not right now…but sometime, you got to go to Tika and make up with her."

"How do I do that, after all this?"

"Shit, I don't know, but you better do something…kiss her ass or whatever…you just better do something."

Jey walked into the doorway of his house, exhausted. He scratched his goatee and rubbed his tired head. Boy, my family is fucking outrageous, he thought to himself. He wearily climbed the stairs and made his nightly rounds of checking on Isaiah and locking up the windows and doors. When he got to his bedroom, as he expected, Veronica was waiting for him. Bobby smiled weakly. "Did Tika go home?"

"No…she's spending the night here tonight," Veronica answered. "I wouldn't let her go home."

Jey simply nodded, then flopped onto the bed and fell back into it. "I am so tired, baby. I don't even feel like taking no shower tonight. I just wanna get in the bed and go to sleep."

Veronica pulled the covers away so her husband could lie down. Jey took off his street clothes and lie down, where his wife gently stroked his forehead. "So…what did your brother have to say for himself?"

"Ronnie, I really don't feel like talking 'bout it. Let's wait 'till tomorrow, okay?" Jey said. "But Jimmy needs to come to grips with things, real quick, before he even thinks about trying to get with Tika."

"Or anybody else," Veronica added.

"How is Tika anyway?"

"Tika cried for quite a while," Veronica said. "She couldn't believe what Jimmy did and, frankly, neither can I."

"And he got his scoop off some he-said/she-said shit," Jey said. "But yeah…he feelin' real bad right about now. I know he cares about Tika, but I told him he should let things go for right now…at least until things blow over." He turned fully to look at his wife. "What got into him, baby? He actually grabbed her."

"Pissed off and not thinking straight. Nothing good ever happens when you're pissed off and not thinking," Veronica answered. "But, there may be a little light to come of this."

"What's that?"

"At least Tika showed him that she wasn't no pushover…she got in some good licks." Jey attempted to keep a straight face but, since he was there to witness it, he couldn't stay serious long. "Yea, babe…Tika was pecking at that head!" He then cracked a smile, then laughed. "I was impressed, to tell the truth. She was actually swinging!"

Veronica laughed. "You know you lyin'!"

"Seriously! She went straight hood on my brother! When I came in, Jimmy was trying to hold her arms, but she kept getting one loose and smacking him on the head with it! She was like, 'Look here, nigga…grab me if you wantto! I'll…be…damned!'" The two of them cracked up then, rolling around on their bed until they became entangled in the sheets. They stopped laughing, then realized their predicament. They both soon made the best of their entanglement, kissing and embracing.

Tika stayed away from Jimmy for almost a month. Since then, she has made efforts to return to her life. She had been visiting her grandmother (with her aunt's permission), continuing school, and continued to visit Airilyn. It was tough, because Airilyn reminded her of Jimmy. Even though she missed him and had nearly come to love him, she didn't want to be around him at the moment. Airilyn, hard as it was, respected Tika's wishes and did not say anything about how her brother had been missing Tika desperately and had been trying for an entire month to see her.

It would be Veronica who would place the spark back into Tika's heart. It would be on a lonely, rainy Friday evening…when Airilyn was staying with Aunt Gladys. Tika had come over to see her but was disappointed by her absence. However, Veronica invited Tika to stay over for a talk.

"So, how you been?"

"Fine. Getting ready to graduate in December."

"Well, we'll all be there…me, Jey, Mook, Linnie and Tommy, Jimmy…"

Tika shook her head. "I could care less about Jimmy being there, or anywhere else."

Veronica smiled knowingly. "He's been asking about you. He hasn't been the same since…that night. Personally, I'm kinda worried about him."

Tika was not swayed. "He's a very industrious guy…he can take care of himself."

"Yeah, you're right about that. He's always done that…without anybody to see about him." Veronica cut her eyes at Tika, checking out her expression. Tika shook her head. "No…I'm not getting myself in that situation again. I'd rather be by myself."

"Well, I don't blame you for that, girl," Veronica replied. "I was like that at one time, you know. It ain't easy for any woman to find a good man…especially if a woman's from the projects."

"You from Park Manor?"

"Born and bred, baby," Veronica said, shimmying in her seat. She continued folding the laundry. Tika reached over and grabbed an armful of clothes. "I met Jey in high school. He was a lot like Jimmy. He didn't trust anybody, was a fighter, and was VERY protective of people he loved. He had taught his younger siblings not to trust people, either. They didn't even trust their auntie at first. But Jey was good…is good. The marks on his back are his only shame, even though shame is not his to have." She sighed sadly. "That family has been through hell, Tika, but Jey and Jimmy bore the brunt of most of it. Jimmy lost his boyhood, and my Jey almost lost his life…twice. Even with all that, they turned out pretty well. People think Jimmy is just a criminal, but he's a survivor…they all are. Jimmy had to make do with what he had and what he knew how to do when he was young, but he's a good man, Tika. Jimmy's good; he just has demons. Now, I ain't excusing what he did…far from it. I just think you need to hear him and listen to what he has to say." Just then, Jimmy appeared from the kitchen. Tika, stunned, looked from him to Veronica and back to him. Jimmy instantly walked toward Tika, his arms outstretched, but Tika jumped back. "Why are you here?" she asked him.

"I told him to come here," Veronica stated. She got up. "The two of you need to talk." She leaned in close to Tika and whispered, "Remember what I said." She then left the room, clasping Jimmy's shoulder. "And you remember what Jey said…and her grandmother." Jimmy reached up and squeezed Veronica's hand briefly, then allowed her to leave. He walked toward Tika, wringing his hands together. "We need to talk, girl."

"What do we need to talk about?"

Jimmy gently took her by the hand. "I need your help. There are some ghosts I have that need to be lain to rest."

"Why do you want to talk to me now, Jimmy?" Tika asked as she lounged onto her grandmother's couch. Jimmy was sitting in the chair across from her, wringing his hands uncomfortably. Tika noticed his shifting eyes and, when she rose to sitting position on the couch, she saw that he was slightly shaking. "I ain't never really had a good way with…women," Jimmy began. "My mama never really wanted me because of my father, whoever he is. It don't matter what I ever did to make her happy, it never made a difference with her. And Marvin…" Jimmy stopped, got up, and paced furiously around the den. Knowing now that something was definitely wrong, Tika sprang from the sofa and went to him. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she said. However, he stepped away. "No, Tika…I have to do this. I been holdin' all this shit in for years and now it's affecting how I treat you, and I won't have that." He managed to compose himself and he returned to his seat.

"When I got taken away, Marvin's abuse toward Jey got worse. Now that I wasn't there to shield him, Marvin got free reign. One day I got a letter from Jey, saying just how bad things had gotten at home. So, I went to my counselor and told him about it. As a result, he called DCFS and told the social workers to go out to my house. Years later, Jey told me that they did but Mama had told them all to'act normal' or something like that, so nothing came of it. Then, I found out that Jey had gotten one of them off to herself and begged her not to tell Mama and Marvin that he's the one who told it. He begged her, Tika…and do you know that big-mouth bitch went and did just that? That woman told Mama, which was just like telling Marvin because we knew she would go back and tell him. She didn't say it was Jey, but she did say that it was one of them. Needless to say, and just like we expected, Mama told him."

"What happened?"

"He didn't do nothing…right then. A couple of months later, I found out what he did to Jey. That was when the cops finally arrested him and put him away for about three years. Aunt Gladys went off on DCFS and threatened to sue them because of that woman telling Mama. She ended up taking my brothers and sisters and raising them."

"Why didn't she get you out?" Tika wondered.

"I had already been in almost a year. Mama was the one who signed me over, and the state didn't try to overturn it. My counselor asked me the same thing…I told him that I just wanted my brothers and sisters safe and out of that house. Tika, I stopped caring about what happened to me. The worst had already been done to me…nothing else could touch me, not then and not now. When you've been in the dungeon for most of your young life, what else can a nigga do to you?"

Tika looked sympathetically at Jimmy, feeling a newfound respect for him. "You gave up your freedom and childhood to protect the others." That was all she could say, for she was overcome with emotion. "Why were you taken away?" Jimmy sighed, then continued.

"Mama said I was incorrigible, that I was a threat to the family. I wasn't no threat; she just wanted to keep that nigga around," he lamented, his voice revealing feelings of loss and deep sadness. "She sent me away because of something that happened. See, I told that counselor what was happening with my siblings, but I didn't tell him what happened to me.

When I turned thirteen, Marvin started using me to play witness to him. He had been cheating on Mama, but he started taking me with him to get her to believe that he was going wherever he had told her. We would always end up at this woman's house on the other side of town…the rich part. He would have me stay in the living room, while they went in the back room to do their thing. Of course, I wouldn't tell Mama…he said he would kill me if I did." Tika shut her eyes in disbelief. She wondered to herself, Where the hell was this woman when all this was happening with her kids?

"One evening, he had gotten high and had passed out. I was in the living room, watching TV like usual. Then, his girlfriend came into the room wearing her nightrobe. She asked me if I was bored, and I told her that I was. She said, "I know how to cheer you up." She took me by the hand and led me to another bedroom, where she sat me down on the bed. She told me to lie back on the bed and close my eyes, but I saw her take off her robe. There I was, 13 years old, staring up at this grown woman…naked except for her drawers. She got down on her knees and unbuckled my jeans, pulling them and my underwear down, ooh-ing and ahh-ing and shit. She made me lay back on the bed and started…" He made a pumping motion with his hand, implicating the sexual nature. 'I know what you need,' she told me. 'Damn, you big…you gon' have these little bitches wanting you. Lemme show you what they need to do to make you feel good.' That's when she…um…served me." Jimmy made another hand gesture, this time with his mouth. Tika could not believe what she was hearing; she threw back her head on the couch and sighed loudly. But Jimmy wasn't finished.

"I don't know when, but Marvin soon woke up. I don't know how he knew where we were, but he came in there and saw that woman's mouth wrapped around my dick and lost…his…damn…mind. He jerked her up by the hair and threw her across the room. Then he stomped toward me, pulled me up, and just started beating my ass like I was a grown-ass man." He had to stop then, becoming overcome by the memory of that day. Tika went to him, hugging him to her in an attempt to comfort him. "You don't have to keep going," she said.

"No, baby…I want it all out. I'm tired of carrying this around," Jimmy answered. Tika nodded in understanding, then returned to her seat. Jimmy gathered himself and went on with his story. "He ended up putting me in the hospital. He busted my lip, blacked both my eyes, and busted two of my ribs. I had welt marks from where he beat me with his belt and with an extension cord. He made me tell the doctors that some neighborhood boys had jumped me. He then said, 'If you tell anybody what really happened…" Jimmy stopped again, causing Tika to return to his side. However, he continued. "He said, 'If you tell anybody what really happened, I'll kill your brother.' And I knew he meant it, too…he hated Jey. I knew he would take it out on him if I said something. But I did, Tika…I did. When I was alone with Mama, I told her what happened…and I told her everything, too. I told her everything. But she refused to believe me. I was in there, crying and begging her to listen to me and she wouldn't listen. She called me a liar, a troublemaker…and then, she called me a bastard. She knew how I felt about that, but she threw it up in my face, like I'm the one who made her fool around and have me! It was then that I stopped telling people. My own mama didn't believe me, and the cops probably wouldn't, either.

Two weeks after I got out the hospital, Marvin made me go back over to his old lady's house. I didn't want to go, but I was too scared to say anything so I did what he said. When we got to the bedroom, she was in bed…with nothing on. Marvin pushed me toward the bed and told me to take my clothes off and get in the bed. 'Since you wanna be grown, I'm gon' teach you how to be grown', he said. 'And you better do it right, or I'm gon' beat your ass right here.' Then he sat down in a chair and watched me climb in bed with her. It went on for I don't know how long. For the longest time, he stayed in that chair, watching her on top of me, me on her…she did everything she wanted to me. I just did it out of survival…if I refused, he'd beat me. If I ran out, he'd catch me and beat me. If I told anybody else, he'd probably kill me. I didn't like how he was sitting there watching us because I saw him getting angry. I didn't know if he was gonna snatch me out of bed and beat me some more…or if maybe he would try to get in bed with us and try to make me a punk. But he sat there, eyes burning through us, making me fuck this grown-ass woman and making me keep going until I busted one. When it was finally over, he made me get up and go take a shower. While I was in there, I heard slaps and shuffling sounds coming from the room. I knew then that he was beating her for 'enjoying herself' with me." He stopped, then whispered, "Tika, he was jealous of me. He was beating her because he felt that she wanted me instead of him…like I was some fuckin' rival!" Jimmy's voice cracked. "I didn't wanna do that. Tika, I didn't. He made me do that so he could see if I was…better than him." He dropped his head into his lap and started to cry…deep, hacking sobs that made his body tremble so much that he clenched his fists to try to stop the sobs. Tika, now crying softly herself, stroked his head and back while kissing him. Jimmy lifted his head and smiled briefly before finishing.

"When I got out the shower, the slapping had stopped. But that doesn't mean that he was through. As I was drying off, I heard whimpering noises…it was her, and she was in pain. I eased up to the doorway and peeked into the bedroom…and saw what he was doing to her. If he had seen me, he'd have beat me. He was…raping her." He looked away. "Back there." Tika shook her head, disgusted and aghast at this man's savagery. "I just stood there, too shocked to move. It was then that she looked up and saw me looking at them. She was crying and just bent over, taking all of him, but not doing anything. He was so far up her ass, he didn't notice me. She looked at me and said, 'Go back in the bathroom.' So I stayed in the bathroom and waited until he was through. A few minutes later, he came inside the doorway of the bathroom and threw me my clothes. During the ride home, he told me that that's what you do to a woman to make her act right and make her mind. 'A woman's job is to please her man,' he told me. 'Her job is to feed her man, fuck her man, and shut the fuck up while she's doing it. Your mama ain't no different…you got to break'em in. I got your mama trained, and I got that bitch back there trained, too.' He never said anything about what he made me do." He looked at Tika and took her in his arms. "I ain't never told nobody about this…just Mama and God. I ain't tellin' nobody else. You're the only other one who knows, and I wanna keep it that way."

Tika hugged Jimmy tightly so that his head rested against her breasts. She released him and cupped his face into her hands. "My Jimmy…my poor Jimmy," she lamented, brushing his hair. "You never had anybody to speak up for you. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry that nobody listened to you guys."

"I shouldn't have said anything," Jimmy said. "If I hadn't told Mama in the hospital, I wouldn't have gotten sent off and I would have kept him from whipping Jey near to death."

"No, Jimmy…you have no blame here. Your mother should have protected you and your siblings. You stood up for them, even though you were far away."

"I ain't no hero," Jimmy refuted. "I couldn't stop Marvin from going after Jey and Mook."

"But because of you, your Aunt Gladys learned about it and took them away," Tika rebutted. She kissed him on the forehead. "You saved them, Jimmy. You don't know just how brave you are. You could have just gone off and let them keep getting abused until somebody ended up dead, but you didn't. You did what your mother didn't do, and to me, that makes you a hero in my book."

"But Tika, I got nothing to give you. You deserve somebody with no albatrosses hanging from his neck. I lost my virginity to a grown…"

Tika placed her hand across Jimmy's mouth. "That was not you, Jimmy. You were made to be with that woman…that was not your fault. It takes more than sex to make you a man…and you proved your manhood a long time ago." Jimmy, tears streaming down his face, hugged Tika tightly, overwhelmed by her response. He would definitely keep his word to her grandmother now. Nothing would make him leave her side, not even Tika's stubbornness. However, there was one more thing he had to do. "I'm sorry, baby…I'm so sorry I did that to you. I ain't gon' never hurt you no more, NEVER. I'll cut my friggin hands off before I hurt you again."

Tika laughed. "Well, we wouldn't want that. How else would you be able to do this?" She took his hands and placed them on her face and breasts, giggling as he played with them like an inquisitive toddler. He then stopped and placed his head onto them, letting Tika stroke his head and shoulders. "What do you feel?" she asked.

Jimmy, now drifting off to sleep, whispered, "Relief."