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I have never been so confused. Going back to Rosewood, I have been going over the past 24 hours, and I can say I'm as confused as ever.
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My mom and I picked up Hanna as we needed to be at the school parking lot before 6:30 am. I know Hanna has a hard time getting up in the morning; this is why I offer to pick her up. However, she was ready to go. It is as if she had not slept at all.
I guess neither of us slept last night. Except maybe Alison; she probably got home and call any of her toys and went to be with a happy smile on her beautiful face, or did she had a hard time sleeping? Did she dream of me last night? Did she think of me? Since last night there is an internal battle within me. My heart keeps calling me stupid, for kissing Hanna in front of Alison. My mind keeps telling me that I made the right decision as Alison will never see me that way. A part of me loves Alison and the other part hates me for loving her.
We got to the parking lot and Spencer informs us that the room selection is ready. Of course, it is I think to myself; I will share a room with Hanna. I'm not sure where she stands on the next level of our relationship. Nevertheless, that is my responsibility as Hanna's girlfriend (Am I her girlfriend?). I can't lie I'm not attracted to Hanna that way. I have seen the girls in bikinis, hell even in their underwear, but none of them gave me the thrill that Alison gives me. Her perky breast, her apple bottom butt, he heart shape lips and her eyes. God, she is responsible for my sexual awakening. I stop myself before I can continue, I'm with Hanna now and I will be happy with her.
Ok, I need to focus on what Spencer is saying. I see her stance and she is standing very protectively next to Alison. The battle stars again, a part of me thinks Alison has already found another poor soul to believe her lies and the other part can't help to be jealous. I look at Alison and she looks like a mess, a beautiful mess. Is she really hurt by my actions?
No, she is just upset because she can't control me. She needs to find a new toy. I will look for my happiness with Hanna.
Who I'm kidding, my happiness is with Alison Lauren DiLaurentis only. After I said Good Morning to the girls (Except Spencer…what is her problem?) Spencer starts to give the room assignation, so that is how it is? Spencer will control us, just because Alison has her wrap around her finger. Ugh! What is her deal? Is she going after Spencer? Ugh! I won't stand this. She asks if Hanna and I will share a room, of course, why not? How dare she assume we won't?
E: "Of course, why wouldn't we?" that will show her.
S: "Ok, can you calm your macho bravado for like a second so we can talk room arrangements?" Macho bravado…what the hell does she mean with Macho bravado? Spencer has never talked to me like that. This is Alison doing she is controlling her. Probably they kissed last night. Ugh!
E: "What is there to talk about? Aria and you will share one room. Alison can share with whoever boy toy she wants and Han and me in another room; there settle is not rocket sciences" Ha! This way she will know she is not special.
I hear Hanna talking…
H: "EMILY…"
H: "Baby, please let Spencer talk" I need to be calm for Hanna; I place a kiss on her nose. I know it should be her mouth and I wish I could. But no matter how upset I'm; I still feel as my lips only belong to Alison.
E: "Sorry, Spencer you were saying?"
S: "We have agreed to the following, Alison and myself will be in one room; Hanna and Mona in another room, leaving you with Aria; any problem with that" Alison and Spencer will share a room, Hell no! Over my dead body. Scratch that over my killed twice dead body. Does Alison think she can replace me so easily? Before I start to beat the living crap out of Spencer Hanna starts talking.
H: "No, no problem at all. Thank you, Spence" I look at her like she has grown another head. Who is her to determine this is acceptable in any parallel universe.
H: "Come on, baby let's get our seats, shotgun the window" of course, she is dating me, that is why it is acceptable for her. I need to calm down for Hanna. Before going back to the bus Hanna addresses Alison.
H: "Ali…."
H: "Ali… Em and I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday, I apologize for not having your gift right now, but I can promise you that I'm working on making sure that you get it as soon as possible" obviously Hanna being always her sweet self, she had to congratulate Alison.
Al: "Emily and you, I guess now that her tongue is stuck on your tonsils, she can't talk for herself?" Ok, the hell is wrong with Alison. Hanna was just being nice. I look at Hanna and she has her come back ready.
H:"Actually, no…..Emily's virtuous tongue on my tonsils does not take her ability, I just want to make sure that is rested for later" Why are we talking about my tongue. What will happen later? Does she want to have sex with me later? And then she says something that I could never imagine.
H: "But I guess, there is no need to talk about Emily's tongue to you right Ali?" Wait, does she knows about me and Alison? My heart feels like a drum. I feel as if I'm going to pass out. When we go to the bus, with my lack of sleep from last night, the early hour and Hanna's comment, I can't help but drift off to my slumber.
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We are at the interlude from Hamilton and Hanna has gone to the bathroom. I can see from the corner of my eye that Alison and Spencer are talking. Why do I have to be so jealous of Alison and Spencer?
I'm trying to have a conversation with Aria and my mind keeps drifting to Alison. What is she feeling? What is she thinking? Does she really like Spencer? Would she use Spencer as her toy? Am I still her toy? Question after question invades my mind.
And I know what you are thinking I should concentrate on my girlfriend (is she my girlfriend?), I want to believe me, I want to think about Hanna, but I can't all I can think is about Alison, and I know what you would say, if I can't stop thinking about Alison, then I need to break whatever it is that I have with Hanna… Ok, who am I talking to? God, I'm going crazy.
I want to make Hanna happy. That is the excuse I give myself. That is why I have not broken up whatever Hanna and I have. But the true reason is that I want to feel love, I want to feel wanted, I just want to feel.
Apparently, I have been emerged on my thoughts for too long that I didn't notice that Mona and Mike were talking to Aria and me. I look back to Alison and I see her hugging Spencer. I feel my jaw harder. I curl my fist. All I want to do I put my fist on Spencer Hastings's face. How dare she hugs my Alison? For the moment all I see is red. Before I make a scene, I take deep breaths, and at that moment it hits me; she is not my Alison and she will never be.
Spencer starts walking to the bathroom. I feel like I should take a moment to say Happy Birthday to Alison. Fuck, Alison's Birthday, I forgot her present; I got her a Pandora charm bracelet. I know is silly but in a way, I feel as if Alison has that bracelet, she will think of me and I will always be with her. I got her the bracelet and 4 charms, first an "Encased in Love Charm, Opalescent White Crystal" for our love or honestly for the love I have for her, then an "Infinite Love" because no matter what happens my love for her will be infinite, as well, a "Clear CZ, Key to My Heart Dangle Charm" because she will always have the key to my heart so I might as well give it to her, to complete the assemble a "Shimmering Droplets Charm, London Blue Crystal" to match her beautiful eyes. My initial idea was to give those to start and then every milestone that we had added to it. Now I'm not so sure of it. I even forgot to bring it.
I guess I lost track of the time again because the next thing I see is Alison in front of me giving me her most wonderful smile.
Al: "Hey Emily, can we talk?"
E: "Sure Alison." We step aside to talk. I notice that she seems nervous. Maybe is just my imagination. She takes a deep breath and I prepare myself for whatever she is going to throw my way.
Al: "Em, I want to start by apologizing for my behavior from yesterday and today. I should not have talked to you like that."
E: "Alison, you should apologize to Hanna, not me." I can see that Alison is getting upset, she takes another deep breath.
Al: "You are right…as soon as I have the opportunity I will apologize to her as well." she tells me but I feel as if it is a fake one. I let her continue. Al: "You need to understand, it took me by surprise when I saw you dating her." She takes a step closer. Al: "I'm truly sorry for everything Em. But is my Birthday and I don't want to be fighting with my favorite." She looks at me and her eyes show nothing more than love.
I take a deep breath and say, E: "You are right Alison. Happy Birthday." She looks up to me and I can see her smile fading and a frown appears on her face.
Al: "You are still mad, aren't you?" she says with a pout.
E: "No, I'm not," I say, because truly I'm not mad at her. She has never apologized to me before, I know she is trying.
Al: "But you are calling me Alison. You only call me like that when you are mad."
E: "You are right; I will normally do that when I'm upset. However, yesterday you told me that I did not deserve to call you Ali." She looks at me with almost tears in her eyes.
Al: "I know…I'm sorry again. You can call me Ali, you know that Em." She says with a small smile. Al: "Could you wish me Happy Birthday again? This time calling me Ali and giving me a hug." She looks hopeful and scares. I laugh a little in my head. Like if there was a possibility that I could ever deny her anything that she asks.
E: "Of course, come here." I open my arms to her. In a way, I feel as if I was opening my heart to her. She takes a step into my arms and I give her the biggest hug ever. I place a kiss on her head and whisper. E: "Happy Birthday Ali." She takes a step back and I can see the biggest smile ever adoring her face. She laughs and I can swear her laugh melts me.
Al: "Great, where is my present Fields?" she says with a mischievous tone.
I start rubbing my neck. E: "Sorry, Ali I left it at home." I expect her to blow up and start blaming Hanna for this. But what happens next surprises me the most. She laughs and not an evil laugh a sweet as honey laugh.
Al: "That is ok…I can get it when we get home. However, as you forgot, you will give me a dance today. Are we clear?" I can't help but laugh.
E: "Sure. You got it Birthday Girl." And like that I see Hanna coming from the bathroom and Alison walking away. Did I just promise Alison a dance?
Great…
Just great…I'm screwed.
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We are currently on the rooftop, we have been here for almost three hours, Hanna has been drinking constantly but I won't say she is tipsy. All of the sudden I see Alison walking our way and she does look a lot more than tipsy.
Al: "Emiiiilyyyy…I'm here to collect" she giggles Al: "Are you ready for our dance?" Shit, I forgot to mention that to Hanna. Will she be upset? I look at her and she gives me a reassuring node. Of course, she won't get upset. She is Hanna. She is not pity like that.
We go to the impromptu dance floor and we hear Havana come in on the speakers. Alison places her arms on my neck and I place mine on her waist. We fit, I don't know how to explain it but we just fit. Can't she see that? Can't she feel that? I look down at her and she looks up. I get lost in her eyes. Her blue eyes that should be everlasting. She turns and presses her butt to my center and again is like I could hear a click. We are just 2 pieces from a puzzle. Nevertheless, she will never see that. I place both of my arms on her waist and lock her into me. I bring her as close as I can to me. She places her left hand on type of my interlock hands and her right arm she brings it up to my head. She runs her fingers through my raven hair; bringing my face to the crock of her neck. She is swaying dangerously slow and I can't help but lose myself in her.
I don't care what happens next, at this moment Alison DiLaurentis is mine and I hers. At this moment there is no Alison denying our feelings. There is no Hanna Marin giving me her love and devotion. There is no Aria Montgomery waiting for the greatest love story to unveil. There is no Spencer Hastings second guessing my actions or trying to steal my Alison, my Estella. At this moment we are one.
I'm not sure how long we have been dancing for, but Alison turns and presses herself against me. She looks up to me and she seems a lot sober. How is that possible? With the sweetest voice ever, she tells me, Al: "Can we go somewhere and talk?" she has me in her spell and all I can do is nod my head in agreement.
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We seat in the steps on the emergency stairs. The cold steel in my legs reminds me of my almost girlfriend. God, how can I be so stupid? I have not seen Hanna in God knows how long. I start to panic what if she saw Alison and me. I need to find her. When I'm getting ready to leave Alison places her hands in to mine and I'm lost in her again.
She keeps glancing from my eyes to my lips. She seems insecure and shy. She sighs and looks at me. Al: "Em, can I ask for something for my Birthday?" I look at her wearily, E: "Of course Ali. What is it?" she does not answer she only leans towards me and kiss me ever so gently. My first reaction is of peace, which is gone as soon as another blonde comes to my mind. Hanna…I can't do this to Hanna. I panic again and pull away from her. She looks to me and is like I could see her heartbreak.
E: "Ali, I'm sorry…is not that I don't want this…is that I'm with Hanna and I will never do this to her. She does not deserve this." She looks down to her hands that are now resting on her lap. I expect her to get angry, but she just seems broken. She looks up to me and says Al: "Can I ask you something." I sight and answer, E: "Sure Ali, anything."
Al: "Why Hanna? Why not any other girl? Last time I asked you, you said that you felt nothing for her, and now here you are dating her for 3 weeks."
E: "Ali, please…"
Al: "Please, Emily, tell me. I know I would never date you, but why did you pick her?" at that moment my heart broke. A part of me felt as if all of this could lead to Alison telling me that she loves me. I guess I was wrong. I take a deep breath and decided to tell her the truth.
E: "Honestly…" another deep breath. E: "Because she was brave enough to love me. She was the one that dared to love me." I want to look at her, but I feel as my heart is pulverizing in me. I see a lone tear roll on her cheek and I want to reach and swipe it from her face. Why is she sad? ...maybe she is sad because she lost her toy.
Al: "If I may pry…" she takes a deep breath. How did we get to this point? Having to prepare every sentence we say to each other. I wait for her to continue.
Al: "How did she do it? How did she win your heart of gold?" I shake my head internally. Oh, Alison if you only knew that my heart only belongs to you.
E: "She had been flirting with me for days. But I was what convince me to give her a chance was her speech." Alison looks intrigued and I continue. E: "This one day she came to my room and gave me this speech that convinced me to give her…to give us an opportunity." I laugh a little. It is a sad chuckle. I can't look at Alison, because what I'm about to say may hurt her. A part of me wishes that it will hurt her.
E: "How sad it is that I memorized it."
Al: "Why would that be sad?"
E: "Because of the reason." She looks at me confused. E: "The reason I memorized it was because it is the only moment in my life that I felt loved." I continue to look at my fingers; I can't look at her right now. She talks with the lowest voice ever.
Al: "I hope, I'm not overstepping; but, could I listen to the speech that won the one and only Emily Catherine Fields." She chuckles but I know she is not happy.
E: "Sure, I can share that with you… she said: You are smart, but not Spencer Smart because that is just boring. You are kind and passionate but not as much as Aria because that is just annoying, you can see the darkness but still appreciate the light. You are Sexy enough to bring Alison down as the Queen Bee, however, you don't know that and with the fact that you don't like the spotlight, it allows you to be fine as hell but not mean. And you are funny so funny, but not as funny as me because come on I'm the bomb; which is great because you can make me laugh for hours. You are the perfect combination between the 4 of us and I know that if I'm lucky enough to only go on 1 date with you, I will never do anything to jeopardize that"
Alison turns her eyes towards me. She does it so fast that I could think she almost broke her neck. She asks me:
Al: "Are you sure that is what she told you?" I think about it for a moment and answer.
E: "Maybe, not a one hundred percent, but yes at least ninety percent." I say trying to clear the heavy air that we are breathing. We were fine a moment ago. What happened?
Al: "I have to go Em. See you later." And just like that, she was gone. That brought me back to my reality. I have an almost-girlfriend that I have neglected. I need to find her. Fright starts to arise, what if she saw me talking to Alison? What if she saw me dancing with Alison? Worst, what if she saw me kissing Alison? I can't do that to her. I can't hurt her like that. I can't devote myself to Hanna, even if I want to. Even if she is the only one that has shown me what love is. I know that I need to do. I need to break up with Hanna. I text Hanna, to determine where she is but, she does not answer.
I make my way to the rooms looking for Hanna. I can't seem to locate Spencer or Aria or Alison for that matter. Where are they? I walk towards Hanna room and I can hear her in a screaming match. At first, all I could hear is a faint laugh. But then I can hear as clear as day the second voice.
"You will tell Emily the true, NOW!"
I can't believe it what is she doing there with Hanna?
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AN: So there you have it, the last insight to the wonderful mind of Emily Fields. Ready for Alison. What do you think of that heart to heart? If Emily is not the one talking to Hanna, Who is it? Any ideas? Questions? Comments? Regrets?
Hope to hear from you…
