"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."

(Arnold H. Glasgow)


Rurouni Yahiko

A Rurouni Kenshin Continuation fic
by Chester Castañeda

It's time to "Flip the Bird of the End of the Era".

Disclaimer: All characters used in this fanfic (save some others) are the rightful property of Nobuhiro Watsuki and Sony. Don't sue me please, I'm very poor.


Chapter 9: The Peculiar Cockpit


Yahiko wagged a finger at Outa while lightly smacking the kid's wrist.

"YOU COULD AT LEAST SHOW A LI'L MORE SYMPATHY TO THE ONE WHO'S INJURED, YOSHI-BOY!" Gan complained at Yahiko's sandals, which was completely reasonable considering his present vantage point. "I was just trying to be sociable to the tyke, hugging him for friendliness's sake, but then he had the gall to kick me in the family jewels! And now he gets away with it with a literal slap on his wrist? WHERE THE HELL IS THE JUSTICE IN THAT?"

Yahiko rolled his eyes, sighed, grabbed Outa by the shoulders, then thrust the boy at Gan's direction. "Apologize to the man, Outa-kun. By the gods, I know Gan had that kick to the crotch coming to him, but I guess it's not his fault that he looked like a gigantic pedophile just a few minutes ago."

To himself, Yahiko mumbled, "Dammit, you shouldn't even know what a pedophile is, no thanks to your father," before continuing, "Go on, Outa-kun, say that you're so..."

"EEEEEKK!" Minoe shrieked girlishly as a raging banshee emerged from the depths of darkness.

"What's this I hear about rapists with a taste for little boys? Is this the guy who tried to violate my sweet little brother's innocence? How dare you touch Outa, you disgusting, lecherous MONSTER! 'NO' MEANS 'NO', YOU PERVERT! NO TOUCHIE! NO TOUCHIE!"

A flurry of dustpan whacks, broom thrusts, and not-so-righteous-but-definitely-female indignation assaulted Gan's senses. The luckless thug felt more confused than hurt by the attacks, but somehow they still made him feel quite mortified about the whole situation. He hated being misunderstood and put out of the loop.

There was no other way for Yahiko to sum up the bored expression on his face after seeing Outa's big sister Uki other than the non-word, "Geh."

"Um, Yahiko-chi? Do you and that crazy young lady know each other or something? Because those furtive glances she's been giving you is kind of creepier than the enraged look she has trained on Gan-chi," Minoe anxiously surmised as he gently stroked and calmed the frightened Sanosuke chicken down, but Yahiko didn't seem to mind the one-eyed man's concerns... at least until he was forced to block Uki's sudden broom strike with his sheathed-and-wrapped-up sword.

"HEY! What's the big idea, hitting me with your broom? What did I do to you, Triangle Head?" Yahiko asked... well, confronted the irate girl who indeed had her hair parted in such a way that her forehead looked like a triangle.

As a side note, Uki didn't even flinch or rise to Yahiko's usual temper-baiting insults not because of her maturity but because, sad to say, she'd by then been desensitized of Yahiko's name-calling to the point of apathy.

Who could blame her, though? After hearing the infamous moniker from the foul-mouthed Tokyoite far too many times to count, it was only natural for her to not care; it can get real old fast. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for either Minoe or Gan.

"Triangle Head," murmured Minoe, slack-jawed in wonderment.

"She really is a triangle head, isn't she?" Gan agreed. "Nice one, Yoshi-boy!"

"What's the big idea? WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? Okay, smartass! Answer me this," Uki fumed as she wielded her broom with a violent grace that would've made either Chizuru or Kaoru proud (and jealous). "Why didn't you do anything to that big, scary pervert who tried to assault my little brother? And here I thought you stood for protecting the innocent, truth, justice, and all those other awesome stuff! If only my big brother can see you now...!"

"..." detailed the alleged pedophile, unwilling to quip, banter, or even get up from the ground lest he got whapped on the head with a broom again.

"Oh, for the love of... Are you kidding me? Didn't you know that it was your 'little' brother who's responsible for Gan's Roundhouse Falsetto? He needs as much protection as Sanosuke needs extra bandages!"

Outa tilted his head to the side in mute understanding. So that was the reason why Yahiko didn't recognize his rendition of "Wrath of the End of the Era"; he unwittingly did another move altogether! The little boy took note of this important factoid. Who knew that crotch-kicking was so complex and deep?

"WHAT? How'd you know this man's name? You're now hanging around with perverts, Yahiko? Say it isn't so! I mean, what would Sanosuke-niichan say once he finds out about this?"

"Bu-kurk?" clucked Sanosuke.

Yahiko's face immediately turned a frustrated scarlet for an assortment of reasons: namely, appearing like he was sticking up for the Goony Gan, the sheer inability of Uki to listen to reason when it came to Outa's well-being, and the fact that he inwardly agreed with Uki's assessment for the most part. Nonetheless, he had enough presence of mind to retort, "Yeah? Well you're an overprotective, triangle-headed shrill," in retaliation.

Okay, the term "presence of mind" was a bit of a stretch there. What was the resulting but fully expected aftermath to that tactless remark? A nigh-encore of Uki-styled "Roundhouse Falsetto", of course. As Uki attacked, she wondered what her version of the low blow's name should be: "Groin Pains" or "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs"?

It was a good thing for Yahiko that his inner thigh was able to "block" the kick's trajectory. Okay, so that wasn't really a good (or smart) thing for him to do either, but considering what could've happened ("Testicles in the Left Ventricle," anyone?), it was a fortunate event for him all the same.

Anyhow, from "EEYOOWCH!" onwards, the sheer foulness of Yahiko's potty mouth unleashed a plethora of curses and expletives that reflected his street rat, yakuza background.

Minoe hit his fist onto his palm in dawning comprehension amidst the groans, grunts, and colorful language, unconsciously letting the prized Sanosuke chicken go. "Oh, I get it. Triangle Head!"

Gan finally mustered the courage to get up from his wretched prone position, only to cowardly suggest to the pained, sailor-lipped Yahiko, "Come on, Yoshi-boy! I don't know about you, but I'd rather face Kaori-neechan's wrath than go meet the rest of these crazies you call friends! I mean, if your chicken expert's children are like this, then I don't want to meet him at all!"

"Don't you dare insult me, my brother, and my father in one sentence, you creepy child predator!" Uki shot back, her eyes shiftily darting back and forth from Outa to Gan, acting as a decoy of sorts while her little brother snuck up from behind the unwitting thug and prepared to launch a second "Wrath of the End of the Era" right into Gan's already damaged goods.

Minoe coughed primly and thrust his arms forward, presenting the Sanosuke chicken before Yahiko and the others just in the nick of time.

"Before we all forget ourselves in this overly friendly... romp of sorts, methinks it's about time we went inside and did what we were supposed to do. Right, Yahiko-chi? Gan-chi?"

And all of them just stared.

"Why are you holding your hands out like that?" one of the four... it didn't really matter who, but it most probably wasn't Outa... questioned the eccentric, wig-wearing man.

"Mochiron, it's Sanosuk... eh? Eh? EH? UWAAAA!" Minoe just realized, as noted before, that his hands were now empty and chicken-less. "Sano-chi has escaped from my grasp! He was here just a minute ago, I swear! Why do they always keep on leaving me behind? Help, Gan-chi! Yahiko-chi!"

"Eh? Sanosuke?" Uki gasped as Outa mouthed the familiar name, the siblings searching left and right for any sign of their long lost brother.

Henceforth, chaos ensued... if it hadn't been ensuing earlier already.

"You little brat! You were going to kick my nuts again, weren't you? Shit, I'm going to give you such a spanking that you wouldn't be able to sit down for weeks!"

"!"

"Leave my younger brother alone, pervert! Don't you dare lay one hand on his cute little butt!"

"..."

"..."

"Here Sano, Sano, Sano-chi... Ah! Kitsune-chi? What are you...? WAH! The bats! All the bats are back! OWIE! No, please... THIS IS JUST SO RANDOM!"

"Hey, Rooster or Hen Head, where are you?"

"Yahiko, I demand that you tell me where my big brother is and why you're calling him a Hen Head!"

"Just wait till I get my hands on you, you iiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMP...!"

"Wow, the big pedophile just screamed and whimpered like a girl. That... was moderately disturbing."

"WHAT THE BIG, FAT, FLYING BUDDHA IS GOING ON HERE? KAMI-SAMA-DAMMIT!"

From there on end, chaos just got its ass kicked care of Kamishimoemon Higashidani.


As soon as the imposing Kamishimoemon Higashidani, father of Sanosuke Sagara (nee Higashidani), woke up from all the commotion going on outside his home, checked out what was going on, found out what was going on, shouted his head off in unbridled rage, and administered suitable punishments for all of the culprits, Gan and Yahiko excused themselves briefly and re-caught his son's namesake... the loose, genderless chicken... and took it to the old man's "office" (which was just a fancy way of describing his futon space inside the rather Spartan Higashidani hut).

Even so, everyone had their equal share of the Higashidani Patriarch's unrestrained ire. Everyone. Yes, even his beloved children; because his kicking of their asses built their character, or so he claimed.

He made all of them kneel on individual mats of rock salt as penalty for disturbing his peace. Completely kowtowed, everyone waited silently for the middle-aged authoritarian's signal for them to begin talking and explaining the current state of affairs.

"Just for the record, I definitely like the Sakaguchis better than these Higashidani loons, Yoshi-boy," Gan clandestinely murmured to Yahiko's ear, but instantly went statue-still after Kamishimoemon directed an earnest glare at him.

"So, who are you two?" Kamishimoemon demanded, pointing a callused and rigid finger at the short, eye-patched man first, and then at the big, burly, and (as of that moment) falsetto-capable hoodlum second. "I've never seen you before."

"Uh, I'm Minoe Munenori, sir. It's so nice to meet you! Actually, I'm on..." Minoe meekly started, his head held low, but Kamishimoemon merely raised his hand to stop him from continuing any further.

"That's enough. And how about you, hooligan? Have I beaten you up before? Sorry, it's just that all thugs look alike to me."

Gan bowed curtly, thumped his chest, and declared, "Actually, I'm known in most fighting, gambling, and eating circles as the Great Gan, but my real name is...!"

Again, Kamishimoemon lifted his hand to disrupt the brutish ruffian's longwinded introduction. "Okay. That's all I needed to know." He turned towards Yahiko. "And what's this about, kid?" He pointed at the tied-up chicken sitting on his lap. "Explain quickly, because I want to get back to my nap as soon as possible, and I don't want this bird to make a mess in our hut."

"Uh, okay. Sure. Um, Mister Kamishi... Higashi... Er, can I just call you Higa-san, sir?" Yahiko politely asked.

Kamishimoemon shook his head. "Nope, you can't."

"How about...?" Minoe suggested.

"Uh-uh."

"Well then..." Gan ventured.

"Hell no."

"Then how about...!" Yahiko blinked, surprised that Kamishimoemon didn't interrupt him, which made him blurt out, "K-K-Kami-sama?" by accident. Yes, it was just another case of him being a smartass, but ironically...

"Okay. I approve," the alleged "Kami-sama" affirmed.

Groaning inwardly... aside from the joke's usual absurdity, Yahiko had already heard Kaoru Kamiya use the same gag on him once before... the Tokyo Samurai sarcastically implored, "Oh, Kami-sama, we need your help. The reason I came here is..."

He took one look at Gan and Minoe, cringed as they waved back, and then continued, "Long story short, we're just here to find out if that there chicken is a hen or a rooster. That's it. It has something to do with this meathead's debt to a couple of folks back in Kamijo, and I'm not even completely sure why Minoe is here, but like I said, it's a long story."

"Yup, we're basically just here to find out the gender of Sano... Humph!" Minoe mumbled after Gan grabbed hold of the oblivious blabbermouth's tofu-hole.

While hunting for the escaped Sanosuke chicken earlier, Yahiko had warned the thug that they'd made the terrible faux pas of inadvertently naming the sex-confused bird after "Kami-sama's" only begotten son... besides Outa, of course. So they'd both agreed that any mention of that fact to Kamishimoemon must be avoided at all costs. Too bad nobody told Minoe about it, though.

It was also unfortunate that Uki chose that particular moment to not be slow on the uptake in regards to the situation. The rambunctious girl quickly put two and two together and soon realized why her big brother's name kept popping up every time the genderless bird was nearby.

"What do you say, K-Kami-sama?" Yahiko blanched at the blasphemy his mouth was spouting out. "I've heard from Sano that you're quite the chicken expert back in the day. Maybe you can help us out with this dilemma of ours. Come on, my teaching of Outa the art of kendo has to count for something! Please, K-K-Kami... Mister Higashidani!"

Kamishimoemon actually did have some familiarity and know-how in poultry husbandry. He gained it during his stay in Hokkaido when he was just a young, up-and-coming yakuza thug competing in the underground gambling and cockfighting scene.

Sure, it was a questionable profession, and Kamishimoemon was never proud of that shadowy time in his life, but that was beside the point. Regardless, his previous line of work was also, no doubt, a fantastic way to gather a lot of important contacts in a short period of time.

As a result of his past experiences, the man with the hard-to-pronounce first and last name got to make a myriad of friends (and enemies) in the poultry industry. He even made friends with bigwigs who operated some of the largest egg farms in Japan. They were such good comrades that he was obliged to help his old buddies' businesses branch out, offering them a stake in the Shinshu marketplace.

These facts did beg the question, "Why were the Higashidanis living in squalor if they were so well off?" Well, just like his stubborn son, Kamishimoemon wasn't the kind of man who relied upon friends in high places to improve his lot in life. In fact, he hated sycophants who did just that the most.

"Kami-sama" eventually gave his blessing to Yahiko and his comrades with a shrug and a sigh. "Why not? I'm already awake anyway. Let's kill some time. What do you want me to do?"

"Hooray for Sano-chi!" Minoe celebrated after managing to take Gan's hand off his mouth by nearly biting it off.

"B-By 'Sano-chi', Patches meant... Sano Tsunetami. The Hakuaisha guy. Yeah. Hooray for the Red Cross Man!" Gan punned lamely after slamming Minoe's face straight into a spare mat filled with salt.

Amidst the "AH, IT BURNS!" cry of horror, a pink-faced Uki started to open her mouth to protest, but Kamishimoemon silenced her with a wave of his authoritative finger.

Alas, this was not enough to stop her or any other Higashidani, for it had always been in the Higashidani bloodline to be tooth-and-nail adamant whenever they focused upon an idea or matter of grave importance to them; each and every last one of them, actually.

This explained Sanosuke's utter hatred for the Meiji Government and his steadfast loyalty to the Sekihoutai, Uki's manic-obsessive, mother-hen protectiveness of her little brother Outa, Kamishimoemon's desire to always have the last say in any conversation, and Outa's determination to not speak at all if he could help it. They were, simply put, a family of really stubborn people.

"But Dad, they named that weird chicken after Sanosuke-niichan! Oh, and the big, hairy man is a child molester! He wanted to slap Outa's butt!" Uki complained, which made both Gan and Outa shift uncomfortably on their salted mats.

"Oh, give it a rest already, Cone Head... No offense meant to your beautiful daughter and her perfectly symmetrical hairdo, Mister Kami-sama!" Gan mouthed off, quickly backpedaling at the last minute after getting a sneak peek of a pissed-off "God".

"You can't possibly buy their cock-and-bull malarkey! It's a 'long story', indeed! I refuse to have Outa interacting with such bizarre and questionable characters! More to the point, it's high-time that he quit his silly little kendo classes in Tokyo and stayed home here with his loving family in Shinshu where he belongs! He couldn't possibly learn anything worthwhile from the likes of," Uki's upper lip curled to a sneer, "Myojin Yahiko."

"HEY!" Yahiko objected, but didn't say anything more than that. He'd had this debate with Uki in regards to Outa's decision to train and stay in the Kamiya Dojo for far too many times to count. To rekindle the flames of such an unwinnable argument would be an exercise in Pyrrhic futility. That, and Yahiko was sick and tired of coping with Uki's hardheadedness.

Sure, they had tried to compromise with one another time and time again, but as mentioned before, Uki simply couldn't be reasoned with when it came to Outa's safety. Yes, she was just looking out for her little brother, and of course she feels lonely and abandoned because her two insensitive siblings left her and her father in a huff to seek their own selfish fortunes, but still...

Nevertheless, Outa's rolling of his eyes just then revealed more about his feelings towards this messy situation than any acerbic retort from Yahiko would.

"Really? They've unwittingly named this chicken after my bird-brained, deadbeat son? That's HILARIOUS!" Through the miracle of hearing only what he wanted to hear... selective hearing, if you will... Kamishimoemon gleefully guffawed till he busted his gut, finding the whole naming situation uproariously entertaining for some unfathomable reason while ignoring the rest of Uki's complaints. "Why can't you tell this bird's gender, pray tell?"

"Um, it has both male and female characteristics, Mister Kami-sama sir," Gan sheepishly explained, bowing down and wringing his hands in browbeaten reverence.

After hearing that, Kamishimoemon exploded in side-splitting fits of uncontainable mirth. Once he recovered, he held the frightened chicken up to his nose and needled, "So much for your desperate attempts at machismo, Rooster Head! Or perhaps I should call you Hen Head now? It's funny because you have the waistline of a fourteen-year-old girl! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

'Is he still talking about the chicken, or about Sanosuke?' Yahiko wondered.

"But Dad...!" Uki whined, pouting petulantly.

"Oh, sweetheart. Like the big, fat pedophile said, you should give your worries a rest. Besides, it'll take more than a large, hairy cradle robber to take a Higashidani down! Outa is more than capable of handling himself," Kamishimoemon reassured Uki in the most un-reassuring way possible.

"Ah," Gan interjected in his defense.

"You're not going to let some big, overgrown muscle-head make you toss his salad, are you, kiddo?" Kamishimoemon confidently challenged Outa, affectionately ruffling his son's hair. Outa could only manage a crooked, tentative smile in response.

"I blame you for this," Uki hissed at Yahiko. "You...!"

"Mister Higashidani," Yahiko hazarded, cutting Uki off, "is that chicken a hen or a rooster?"

Kamishimoemon looked at the bird curiously and then said, "Hmmm. I don't know. I couldn't tell with one look. I have never run across a biddy like this before, to tell you the truth."

"Is there any way you can tell?" Gan brusquely asked Kamishimoemon with a firmer, more daring tone than Yahiko's, his sudden adrenalin rush at the prospect of decisively affirming his prized chicken's male gender making him throw caution to the wind.

Kamishimoemon shrugged. "Why sure. No problem. Look at the feathers on its back. If the ends are round, then it's a she. If they're pointed, then it's a he."

Gan grinned from ear-to-ear and nudged Yahiko on the ribs. "It's better than trying to find out if the chicken has a pee-pee or a punani... Ain't that right, Yoshi-boy?"

Yahiko brushed the thug off. "Don't talk to me. Don't even touch me."

The five of them... Uki didn't want to have anything to do with the abnormal chicken... examined the bird's feathers closely. It had both!

"Hmm. Very peculiar," Kamishimoemon assessed. "How very peculiar indeed."

After helping Gan resist the urge to say something stupid like, "No shit, mister detective! I think you've just cracked the case!" by tossing salt right into the brute's eyes, Minoe courteously queried, "Is there any other way you can tell Sano-chi's gender, Kami-sama-chi?"

"Well, I could kill it and examine its insides," Kamishimoemon obligingly suggested throughout Gan's screams of "My eyeballs are on fire! Wait, what...? Hey!"

Ergo, Minoe immediately grabbed "Sano-chi" out of Kamishimoemon's hands with the intention of escaping with the bird. His intentions never came to fruition though, thanks to Gan's untimely backhanded strike on the ninja-like man's face.

"No, I don't want that chicken killed! He's going to make me a fortune at the cockpits just as soon as I get proof that he's a he!" Gan cried out and sputtered after realizing what Kamishimoemon was suggesting.

Unfortunately, Gan was facing (and inadvertently scaring) Outa instead of Kamishimoemon because of his burning-red eyeballs and lack of depth perception. This, of course, incurred the implacable wrath of Uki, earning him a hard smack on the nose and cat scratches on his face.

"Oh, for God's sake, will you all please quiet down and stop the Manzai Standup Routine already? Because none of you are even from Osaka in the first place!" Yahiko snapped. 'These guys make the Juppon Gatana look like mundane, well-adjusted, and normal people!'

"Thank you for quieting those morons down for my sake, Yahiko-kun," Kamishimoemon drolly quipped, much to Yahiko's growing chagrin. "Besides which, I was just joking! We don't need to cut your chicken up into broth-sized cubes or whatnot. I actually have a better idea in finding out your bird's sex... and it's through bird sex!"

Everybody just had to facefault after that. The utter cheesiness and lameness of Kamishimoemon's pun was just too much for most anyone to bear.

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but... what do you mean?" Yahiko questioned warily.

"Well, I have a couple of hens back in the yard that some of my old cockpit colleagues donated to me as thanks for letting them be part of the Shinshu Market. Not as many hens you'd see in an egg farm, but quite enough for my family to get by," Kamishimoemon explained, adding, "We can discover your chicken's gender by how it acts around the hens. It's that simple. If it begins copulating, then we have our answer!"

"Hmmm. Well, I guess that makes sense. Let's do it! It's only through the amazing powers of sex that we'll truly discover the answers to our universal questions!" came Gan's faux philosophical drivel, which prompted Uki to hastily cover Outa's innocent ears as she glowered at the thoughtless, insensitive, and perverted brute.

"What are you doing, Yahiko-chi?"

Yahiko, ever the smart aleck, followed Uki's lead and did the same thing to Minoe's naive and presumably virginal ears.

"For the record, Outa and I are definitely sitting your silly little game out. Do whatever makes you happy, boys. Follow your perverted, disgusting dreams!" Uki announced in a huff, standing up from her kneeling position and dusting her knees off of salt. She afterwards called out, "Outa, it's time for bed."

Outa gave the four men a pitiful, puppy-dog stare before Uki forcefully led him off to his designated futon space in the smallish Higashidani residence.

"All right, then! To the sexy chicken yard!" Minoe marshaled, cheerfully pointing towards the yard despite his perspiring compatriots' collective expressions of vexation.


And so the quartet went onwards to the Higashidanis' backyard and put the strange "hen-cock" inside Kamishimoemon's miniature chicken pen... a cage that housed about six hens donated by the old codger's so-called breeder buddies. After which, they all quietly waited in the outer fringes of the hen house, observing the gender-bending bird's resulting reaction and subsequent behavior around the opposite/its own sex.

As time passed, it became obvious that none of those half-dozen chickens would even associate with the weird bird. Not only did they keep as far away from it as best they could, but they did not even seem to care to which gender it belonged. Unembarrassed by all this, Sanosuke chased and disgraced several pullets.

Kamishimoemon nodded in approval. "That's the Higashidani way, my boy! Man, if only my eldest had half your manliness, he'd be married by now."

"HA! I won the bet! All right! Banzai!" Gan exclaimed proudly, pumping his fist at the moonlit sky in celebration. "That should prove to you that Sano's a damn fine rooster; eh, Yoshi-boy?"

Minoe merely raised an eyebrow in apparent disapproval of Gan's gauche observation. "Oh really? So a rooster raping a couple of hens makes for a shining example of true manhood? Is that the way it works?"

"Er, mochiron?" came Gan's not-so-witty comeback as he awkwardly tugged at his collar in growing discomfort. "Why are you so mad anyway? Don't get your britches up in a bunch, Patches! The chickens are only having some harmless romance. Besides which, 'Sano-chi' just wants to prove to our mule-headed samurai boy that he's a man's man; a prizewinning rooster, at that!"

"It proves nothing of the sort," Yahiko adamantly insisted, his arms crossed over his chest as he shook his head in complete disagreement. "It only proves that Sanosuke has rooster instincts, but it could still be a hen."

"Oh, COME ON! Are you blind? What kind of bullshit is that, saying that my pedigree cock is a pussy? Blow it out your ass!" Gan at last flew off the handle, unwilling to take anymore of Yahiko's prejudiced and uncalled-for hardheadedness. "Come look and see for yourself, son; Sanosuke's rubbing himself all over those pullets like sandpaper in heat! Next you're going to tell me that I have a lesbian hen for a pet chicken!"

Yahiko shrugged. "Stranger things have happened. Why not?"

From there, an infuriated Gan screamed a sordid expletive at Yahiko, which Sanosuke quickly followed to the letter. For two hours straight. Not one hen was spared. By then, even the unusually standoffish Minoe became awestruck by the chicken's endurance and resiliency in its relentless bird-mating marathon.

"Man, look at him go! Now that's a sex drive. Give our rooster a cigarette. Or better yet, let's blow some cigarette smoke over his butt so that he could perform better in his upcoming cockfight," Gan remarked, practically sneering at Yahiko in unremitting smugness. "So what excuse have you come up with this time, Yoshi-boy? I dare you to prove that my stud's a chick!"

"Only a woman knows how to satisfy a woman," an unperturbed Yahiko nonchalantly rationalized. "That hen of yours is simply butch enough to make an entire colony of chickens die out; that is, none of the hens would ever want to mate with a rooster after getting a taste of that chick."

Completely stymied, Gan disputed Yahiko's statement, growling, "Okay, genius! Where's your proof that Sano-kun's a hen, huh? At least I have something to back my claims up. What do you have? What makes you so sure that Sanosuke's a hen anyway? Eh?"

Yahiko rolled his eyes. "I don't know. But neither do you. Contrary to what you seem to believe, the simple fact that Sanosuke is harassing all those hens means that no conclusions can be drawn."

"YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE, MAN! The proof is right in front of you, and you just ignore it! Sanosuke could be humping your leg at this very moment, and you still won't believe he's a rooster!"

"Well, yeah. If that bird were humping my leg, then I won't believe it's a rooster. Because I'll probably be thinking that it's a dog in a chicken suit, you dolt! What kind of bird humps people's legs, anyway?" Yahiko riposted acerbically.

"THAT'S IT! I've just had about enough of you and your bullshit, old man!" Gan snarled, unaware of his slip of the tongue as he cocked his closed fist threateningly at Yahiko to express his mounting aggravation. If he couldn't convince the Tokyoite street punk that Sanosuke was a rooster, then what more the Shinshu cockfighting officials? What a troublesome dilemma for Gan to experience indeed.

On his part, Yahiko merely raised a suspicious eyebrow. "...Old man?"

"Boys, boys, please!" Minoe butted in, interposing himself between the two enraged men while wagging his index finger in motherly admonishment. "Let's just calm ourselves down, forget about Sano-chi's unbecoming perverseness for a minute, and remember just why we're going through all this trouble of finding out whether that chicken is a boy or a girl anyway. You do remember why we're doing this, right?"

Both Gan and Yahiko stared at Minoe blankly.

The eye-patched man resignedly sighed before elucidating, "Gan-chi owes the Sakaguchi Soba Shop money for all the food he'd eaten because he lost a bet in an eating contest with you, Yahiko-chi. He also owes me money for eating all of my sempai's meat buns. Don't even think I've forgotten about that, Gan-chi. In any event, Yahiko-chi and I chased and caught the fleeing Gan-chi, only to be introduced to Gan-chi's 'special baby', Sano-chi. Gan-chi alleges that Sano-chi will solve all of his financial debts by having it compete and win in a cockfight. But then Yahiko-chi points out that Sano-chi is a hen, so it can't compete in a cockfight... a henfight, maybe. Conversely, Gan-chi insists that Sano-chi is a rooster. Conflict ensues; and here we are now! Oh, and I've been inexplicably attacked by a horde of bats on three separate occasions. Do you have any questions so far? Did I miss anything?"

Gan rubbed his large, stubble-strewn lantern jaw contemplatively. "Oh yeah. Thanks, Patches."

Yahiko nodded his head slowly in dawning remembrance. "Nice catch, Minoe. We got carried away with the chicken gender thing."

During all this time, Sanosuke didn't even have the decency to let up with his romancing of the hens. Then, before any of the three unlikely comrades had a chance to complain, Kamishimoemon took the plumed and horny creature in his arms and announced, "Play time's over, boys. There's only one way for us to tell whether this bird is a rooster or a hen. We'll have to..."

"Dissect the chicken?"

"Wait for any of the eggs your hens will lay from now on to hatch into a bouncing baby bird?"

"Accept the fact that Sano-chi's a hermaphrodite without ostracizing the poor creature?"

"Shut up, you three stooges," the cantankerous Kamishimoemon barked as he conked the three men's noggins with seemingly practiced ease. Back in his hut, his two beloved children reflexively covered their heads, flinching.

"Anyway, what I had in mind is to have your genderless chicken compete in a preliminary cockfight match in the very bowels of the Shinshu Market. These matches are held in the 'bowels' of the market because cockfighting is a, shall we say, hush-hush business around these parts. At any rate, the match has to be made tonight. Tomorrow's no good, because tomorrow is Ass Wednesday. I kick ass on Ass Wednesday."

"That's fine by me, Kami-sama! Truth be told, that's what would've happened at the very beginning had Yoshi-boy not gotten in my way! The sooner we have Sanosuke competing in the cockfighting circuit, the better!" Gan corroborated as he gingerly patted the painful lump on his head. He then faced Yahiko and brazened out, "This is my ultimatum to you, Yoshi-boy; would you agree that Sanosuke is a rooster if he fights in a cockpit and then wins?"

"If this butch hen of yours can beat a gamecock, I would believe anything," Yahiko confirmed, unruffled by the ruffian's

superciliousness. "But if that doesn't happen, then 'Sano-chi' there is as good as chicken soup. Got it?"

Gan harrumphed. "I have no worries."

"It's settled, then. Now go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart," Kamishimoemon urged, which earned him oversold applause from three very sarcastic individuals. "Bite me, you fucking pieces of shit," he drawled afterwards.


Hours later, on the way to the Shinshu Market...

The moon was as the moon did; it glimmered brightly in the dark heavens. It glowed through wispy clouds, it got obstructed by puffy ones, and it ascended during dusk and set at dawn. Stable and banal, you could always count on this celestial body to act in a predictable manner.

Still, one could argue that perhaps the moonlight was just a little redder over Shinshu that evening. Maybe it was the anticipation for that night's cockfighting tournament. Most likely, it was an atmospheric phenomenon that people during that time couldn't even begin to comprehend, but that point was moot.

Then again, perhaps it was the bloodthirsty mood it setup that had Sanosuke the chicken pondering his or her life and his or her circumstances as he or she got ready for what could be a massacre of epic proportions.

The entourage of Yahiko, Gan, Minoe, Kamishimoemon, and their strange, androgynous chicken trudged onward the unpaved moonlit road, making their way into the maze-like junctions of rice paddies while crows flew away in their wake. During all this time, both the frightened, gender-ambiguous bird and the trembling, gender-confused Minoe noticed the land around them becoming more lifeless, dreary, and ashen. With each passing yard, fewer vegetation grew on the ground.

Initially, it was the trees that gradually vanished. Then the shrubs and bushes followed suit. Ultimately, the lush fields of wheat and other miscellaneous crops that Nagano was known for gave way to a desolate, quarry-like landscape that sported only a few snatches of die-hard weeds here and there.

Add that to the fact that the darkness sucked out all the color from their surroundings, and it made for quite a foreboding sight. You could toss piles of skulls around the place and they would probably fit right in.

Yahiko and the gang worked their way around the limits of the village and out across the inhospitable panorama that bordered the grimy outskirts of Shinshu. The air in the area was strangely stale and moisture-free; just to prove that point, a fleeting gale from out of nowhere produced a swirl of dust that instantaneously covered their mouths with dirt. It now seemed as though their tongues were suddenly robbed of their saliva and caked with grime, which made them all feel filthy and bone dry from within. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all.

Minoe was so freaked out by the oddly thematic and ominous scenario that he briefly considered using his already forgotten ninjutsu skills... the ones that he had used to dubious effect during his introductory appearance... to save "Sano-chi" from a fate worse than (or at least roughly equivalent to) certain death.

Alas, he'd already forgotten his already forgotten ninjutsu skills along with his use of normal, non-baby-talk honorifics, so all seemed hopeless for both him and the fallacious fowl.

Then, before any of the four of them even realized it, the bustling Shinshu Wet Market was already in front of them. Even during that unholy hour, the various stalls and shops were still abuzz with excitement... obviously for reasons other than selling meat and vegetables, since it was already way past their closing time.

To cope with their mutual feelings of growing discomfort and distress, Gan decided to break the ice by bringing up something that'd been bothering him for quite a while now.

"Looks like Kami-sama has come up with the same conclusion as I have... that the only way to find out Sano-kun's true gender is through a brutal chicken brawl at the cockpits! Of course, this begs the question, 'Why did we need to consult with Kami-sama at all?' I myself could have told you the same thing without going through all that unnecessary trouble from the get go, Yoshi-boy!"

"Well, without consulting Kami-sama-chi, you probably wouldn't even have the chance to go inside the Shinshu cockpits at all, let alone have Sano-chi fight in it. Also, as I recall, the reason for this whole wild goose chase is because of your little bet against Yahiko-chi, correct? As such, whose money are you going to use to bet on Sano-chi during his or her fight, Gan-chi?" Minoe innocently pointed out in perturbing yet reasonable detail, much to Gan's teeth-grinding chagrin and Yahiko's own sheepish consternation ("sheepish" in the sense that he thought he should have figured out the same thing by himself).

"Er," Gan wisecracked. "N-Never mind that! You're missing the point! This cockfight isn't about food debts, chicken sex, and the root of all evil! This is about masculine honor, the unconquerable human spirit, and the courage of real men! To surpass your limits and kick logic's ass from here to Sunday; that's where it's at! Don't just believe in Sanosuke, believe in me! Believe in me, who believes in Sanosuke, who also believes in himself! Just shut up and believe, Patches; BELIEVE IT!"

Even the usually sharp-tongued Yahiko didn't know what to retort to that. However, an unmoved Minoe strangely countered, "Sure, but if all your friends were named Cliff, would you jump off them? I don't think so."

"..." everybody affirmed.

Yahiko's head was practically throbbing like a second heart at that point. "Minoe, that's enough; this back and forth of you making sense and not making sense is altering reality as we speak. As for you, Gan, it's painfully obvious to anybody paying attention that your needlessly elaborate plot is just a harebrained scheme you've concocted to confirm that you do have a prized rooster in your hands before running away from all your debtors because you never had any intention of sharing your fine-feathered treasure with anyone else from the start."

Gan froze and squirmed, mostly because Yahiko's assertions hadn't merely hit close to home, but instead pinpointed each and every last flaw of his "brilliant" plan. "B-But I... B-But I...!"

Yahiko harrumphed and continued, "Simply put, give us all a break and spare us the drama. The jig is up. Also, if your answer for betting money is to borrow some from me, how about just politely asking me to lend you the money that I've won from you from the get go instead of going through all these pointless shenanigans, you dimwitted moron?"

"Maybe because that'd make too much sense? On the other hand, he could simply be that stupid," Minoe helpfully suggested, which earned him an angry yet disturbing, "Okay, NOW JUST SHUT THE HELL UP, you dwarf-sized, one-eyed, purple-wearing cuckoo whom I feel strangely attracted to!" from a highly distraught Gan. The large man subsequently covered his mouth and whispered, "Whoops, did I say that last part out loud?"

With a strange, unreadable look on his face, Minoe distressingly stared at Gan for the longest time. "W-What?" the hoodlum sputtered as he backed away from the eye-patched man's line of sight.

Minoe seemed to wake up from his trance, blinked, then worriedly asked, "Whoops, did I say that out loud?"

"..." blabbered the dumbfounded Gan.

"Shut up, dumbasses. We're here," Kamishimoemon "Kami-sama" Higashidani announced with certain finality.


So, in the middle of Tuesday and Wednesday, just thirty minutes before midnight... during the time when the illegal but prevalent "pastime" of cockfighting (since it wasn't really a "sport" by any stretch of the imagination; a "bloodsport," maybe) unfurled its tengu wings inside the underbelly of the beastly Shinshu Market... Yahiko and company arrived in the murky battle arena, with the elder Higashidani acting as the motley crew's "backer" of sorts.

Kamishimoemon eventually led them to the hidden staircase leading to the inner sanctum of the Shinshu Market. It too, like everything else, was black. Yahiko began to wonder if it was supposed to be the actual color of the stairs or the effect of shadows engulfing them as midnight approached.

Anyhow, he and the rest of his companions loathed everything about this dark and dreary place, their instincts telling them to get away from there as quickly as they could. Even so, since instinct and logic rarely harmonized, they continued on with their capricious journey despite their growing reluctance.

As the group went further into the arid bowels of the Shinshu Market, the three supposed comrades... Yahiko, Gan, and Minoe... saw before them what appeared to be the most miserable scene they'd ever witnessed. The dumpy, squat, and bare stalls were all composed of thick blocks of stone and more stone. Everything, from the ground to the shifty people gathering about, seemed covered in gloom and darkness.

However, in stark contrast to the air outside the marketplace, the air inside was very humid and dank; one whiff was all it took to taste the foulness that emanated from this depressing place. As such, the quartet did their best to hold their breaths. These hidden parts of the Shinshu Market felt dirty and wrong to them on so many levels... a stark contrast to the idyllic, provincial feel of the rest of Nagano.

Even as Yahiko, Minoe, and Gan's collective senses reeled at the many things they were experiencing, someone suddenly moved towards them with a resolute stride. He revealed himself to be a gaunt man of about forty years or so of age that sported round, tinted spectacles, a chin curtain sans mustache, gloved hands, and a wardrobe that complemented the insidious decor of their immediate surroundings. Besides which, the man's methodical demeanor indicated that he knew how to take care of himself.

The three unwilling compatriots braced themselves as the stranger neared; after all, it was better to err on the side of caution than to regret things later on.

The man halted in front of the group, placed his hands underneath his outfit's sleeves, and bent down. "Higashidani-kun," he noted as he rose from his bow, his voice more gravelly than the ground they were stepping on.

Kamishimoemon nodded even after he came out of his own bow, coolly regarding the newcomer with a solemn look. "Oyakata-dono. It's been a while."

"Over a decade," the Oyakata acknowledged.

"You have some big balls coming out here of all places. Shouldn't you be somewhere else right now? It's very unbecoming for a person of your stature to mix with us peasants. Were you bored out of your wits while at work?" Kamishimoemon taunted the man he called "boss", his sarcastic little joke going over his younger cohorts' heads like a hapless kite in a raging storm.

"You can figure that out for yourself, I'm sure," the Oyakata tersely admitted or denied, as though he was already used to evading such offhanded queries with prior experience. He afterwards turned the tables on his supposed junior and queried, "What about you? What brings you here now of all times? I thought you've sworn off gambling."

Kamishimoemon pointed towards Sanosuke in a dramatic fashion, which startled Minoe so bad that he almost let go of the bird. "Well, I suddenly found myself on a betting mood ever since I've gotten a load of that chicken over there. It's a mighty fine pedigree if I do say so myself, though I'm not quite sure if it's even a rooster to begin with. Regardless, I'm willing to bet that our dark horse of sorts... more like 'blackbird', but you get the idea... will beat the current Ou Shamo champion so bad he'd be better off as a feather duster. As a matter of fact, I'm so confident that it'll win that I named it after my own son! What do you think?"

The Oyakata could only raise an unimpressed eyebrow. "If that's the case, then I'm betting on the champion."

"HA! I see that you still have your winning personality, as always." Kamishimoemon chuckled through grit teeth, grinning like a crazy shark.

The Oyakata smirked in kind, which somehow made Yahiko's spine tingle for some reason. "You as well, Higashidani-kun."

"Um... Kami-sa... er, Higashidani-chi?" Minoe warily ventured as he subtly voiced out his and the others' mutual feeling of concern over being left out of the conversation.

After which, Gan kicked subtlety out into the curb and declared, "The boys and I are feeling a bit out of place with all this ambiguous geezer talk and stuff. Can we please move your boring and vague conversation along so that we can get this cockfight over with sometime before the turn of the century?"

Kamishimoemon conked Gan on the head with his bare knuckles. "Shut your mouth and show some respect to your superiors, fool!" The middle-aged man proceeded to clear his throat. "Anyway, I forgot to introduce you to Oyakata-dono. This guy has sort of been my boss back in the day when I was still a rough-and-tumble goon-for-hire... hence his moniker. Oyakata-dono, these are the boys who brought me my fighting rooster-hen: the spiked-haired boy is Yahiko, the big bulging moron with the bandanna is Gan, and the meek, eye-patched man-child is Minoe. Boys, Oyakata-dono. Oyakata-dono, boys."

"I see," the Oyakata stated matter-of-factly before customarily bowing at the three comrades. "It's a pleasure to meet you all. Your name is Minoe, eh? Interesting name, kid."

Minoe seemed to squirm underneath his clothes... or even his own skin... in sheer discomfort. "Thank you, sir. I think it's an interesting name as well." Sanosuke ruffled his or her feathers aggressively; if it were a cat, it would have hissed at the creepy bearded man.

Gan blinked and did a double-take at Minoe, feeling as though the sharp glint in the submissive man's exposed eye didn't quite coincide with the rest of his body language, but quickly dismissed the supposed mixed signals as a trick of the light.

Meanwhile, the uncharacteristically silent Yahiko was currently looking over his shoulder in apparent worry, feeling as though something... or rather, someone... was spying on him; which as silly, because he barely knew any of the people around Shinshu save the Higashidanis and the Sakaguchis. Whichever the case, it caused him to feel a nauseating, anxious sensation in the pit of his stomach: a forewarning, almost. It was... mostly disconcerting, truth be told.

Also, his wounds from his previous fight to the death flared with a burning pain that was worse than before. Of course, their aches and sting had been bothering him from the start, but now the searing agony presented itself to the forefront of his consciousness, distracting him to the point of portentous madness...

"Yahiko-chi?"

"Hey, Yoshi-boy! What's the matter?"

Yahiko shook his head as if to clear it. "I thought I saw something in the corner of my eye." He rubbed his temples as he inwardly suppressed a shudder. "It's all right. It must have been my imagination. Shall we go, Kami-sama?"

The Oyakata raised an eyebrow at the name, then looked over the elder Higashidani's direction in askance. Kamishimoemon shrugged helplessly, a smug smile plastered on his mug. "'Kami-sama' is what I make Oyakata-dono's enemies call me as I pummeled them to submission back in the day. It's my version of 'Uncle' or 'Daddy', if you will," he explained at length to his associates, his self-satisfied grin never leaving his face.

"Should I even bother to look surprised?" Gan whispered to Minoe, who was strangely applauding Kamishimoemon's antics. The latter merely replied, "Clap if you want to live, Gan-chi!"

Of course, as per usual, Minoe's absentmindedness resulted in Sanosuke instinctively flapping away from his hands to a safer, less life-threatening place. To the chicken's chagrin, the Oyakata deftly caught it by its leathery feet in one swift movement.

"Can I join you in your little cockfight, Higashidani-kun?" the bearded man nonchalantly asked Kamishimoemon as he calmed the frightened rooster-hen down by gently stroking its feathered nape with one of his gloved hands. The chicken dared not instigate the Oyakata's wrath and froze in place. "Just to kill some time."

As Kamishimoemon considered his former employer's request, tapping his chin in a ham-fisted display of contemplation, Yahiko, Gan, and Minoe expressed their own opinion from behind the supposed boss's back by fervently shaking their heads from side to side. They then nearly choked on their own spit as the Oyakata turned towards them and casually commented, "Of course, I'll only go if it's all right with you three."

Because of the Japanese concepts of honne and tatemae, Yahiko and company had no choice but to lie and politely say, "No problem. Of course it's all right for you to come and join us. Please, go ahead," like the nice little boys that they were. They were screwed right from the moment the Oyakata decided to manipulate their ingrained politeness and obedience to a supposed superior or elder to his advantage.

Of course, Gan would've done away with such an arbitrary custom had he any say on the matter, but he was outvoted two to one, and he didn't want to embarrass himself by indulging in trivial arguments regarding faux pas, for "Saving Face" was another important Japanese custom.

Just for reference, honne symbolized the true feelings of an individual, which more often than not contradicted society's expectations or the requirements of one's status in life and societal standing. These honest, personal desires were usually kept hidden from everyone save for one's closest and dearest comrades. On the other hand, tatemae referred to the facade that people used to mask their honne. It was manifested as their public behavior and represented the expectations of their respective circumstances and community.

"Stupid Japanese hive mentality," Yahiko, Minoe, and Gan murmured to themselves in chorused irony. All the same, Minoe wordlessly picked up Sanosuke from the Oyakata's grasp before standing there and waiting for either Kamishimoemon or the Oyakata to lead the way towards the actual cockpits. Once the two old comrades started to move, Minoe and the others soon followed suit.


To be Continued...

Next: It's cockfighting time.

I took out a lot of material from the initial draft of this chapter mainly because it contained elements that was incongruous to the canon Kamishimoemon's personality.

Maraming salamat po sa pagbabasa!
Abdiel