Chapter Eight: Running To Stand Still

Lucas sat in his chair with his hands folded, trying his best to listen to every word Peyton was saying. She wasn't as emotional as he would have expected her to be while she talked about her infertility. She had indeed come to terms with the idea that she would never bear children, an odd reality for her to be facing at such a young age. Lucas heard bits and pieces of the medical jargon Peyton spoke of, the words uterine fibroids standing out in her speech. He only spoke to make sure they weren't malignant, and she quickly assured him that they weren't. She also mentioned that the doctor said it wouldn't be impossible for her to conceive, but the chances were slim at best and, even if she did, the possibility of having a miscarriage was very high.

Peyton admittedly attributed part of her fascination with creating a makeshift family with him and Lily to her inability to conceive children. Lucas, still taken aback by Peyton's confession, wondered how big a part her impotence played in her decision to stay in Tree Hill. She was, without question, offended when Lucas, in her mind, inferred that her impotence played a larger role in her decision to stay than her love for him and Lily did.

"Peyton, I didn't say that."

"Well that's what it sounded like to me."

"Why are you getting so defensive about this?"

"I don't know."

"Peyton when I told you that I was thankful for the sacrifice you made, I meant it. You don't have to feel guilty about anything. The whole time you were here it never once felt like you were using me and Lily. I know you love us."

"I do," Peyton said without hesitation, "so much."

"I love you," he responded.

"It's funny," Peyton said, the tone of her voice betraying her words, "before I found out I would probably never bear children, I hadn't even thought about having kids. I certainly didn't envision myself getting pregnant and pushing out babies. I guess it's true when people say you don't know what you have until it's gone."

Lucas took her hands in his.

"I'm too young for this," she sighed helplessly.

Lucas' heart broke for her. She had been such a strong presence for him during such a difficult summer. Whenever he needed comfort and assurance she was there, doing whatever she could to soothe him and help him forget.

"Peyton this isn't the end of the world. You're 18 years old…you have to live each day as it comes. The only thing you should focus on is following your dreams. Everything else will fall into place."

She nodded and sat down on the bed. She realized that her struggles with producing a family weren't going to be something she would get past overnight.

"So you're really going through with this adoption thing?"

"Nothing is set in stone. I have two weeks to decide and honestly, my mind changes every day," he sighed. "I've dealt with death, relationship issues, having HCM, being abandoned by my father, and so on, but I've never faced anything this difficult."

"I know," Peyton empathized.

"What if Lily winds up hating me for giving her up? Or what if I fail as her guardian and she hates me once she realizes that I could have given her up to a family that can take her places and give her whatever she wants. You know the Fullers have a villa in Italy and they've been all over—" he rambled.

"Lucas, do you really believe that Lily would care about that stuff when she grows up? Look at me. I have a dad who supports me financially but it's not enough. It will never be enough. I've decided that I'm done trying to persuade you, but I really think that you need to start thinking about what's important in all this."

Lucas sighed soundly. "You're right," he grabbed a fistful of his hair in frustration, "It's just…I feel so erratic and helpless right now."

Peyton stared at him as he began to rock back and forth on the bed, his physical movements mirroring his tortured emotional state. "The Fullers said they would support me no matter what decision I make," he said after many moments of silence.

"They know how tough this is for you…this is something you can't take back."

"I know," he whispered.

Just as Lucas was going through a multitude of emotions, so was Peyton. She felt sorry for Lucas because of how tortured his impending decision was making him, but she couldn't help but feel angry at him for deliberately keeping everything from her for so long. It's one thing to lie in order to be close to the ones you love, but it's another thing when your lack of disclosure alienates someone you love. She couldn't argue that Lucas had every right to want to do what's best for Lily, but it still hurt not to be a part of something so significant in Lucas' life. It was starting to bring to Peyton's attention, a glaring problem in their relationship. There were moments, like the first time he visited his mom's grave, where Lucas allowed himself to be vulnerable and need her, but his lack of communication about the adoption idea was another example of the "I can do everything on my own" Lucas, that Peyton saw (and didn't like) during the earlier parts of her stay at his house.

One step forward…two steps back. Maybe I'm the one holding him back, she thought.

"While we're on the subject of tough decisions," Peyton asserted, "there's something I need to talk to you about." She paused and attempted to gain control over her trembling hands, "There are things that…" she began. "I mean I don't know how to say this…" she continued. "It's just that…" she trailed off.

"Just spit it out Peyton," Lucas said finally.

"I think it would be best if we take some time apart while I'm in LA," she finally let out.

His mouth fell slightly ajar and he stared at her, wide eyed and unsuspecting. Just as he was about to respond, the sounds of Lily's faint crying filled his bedroom.

"I've got her," Lucas practically ran out of the room and into the nursery. He closed the door behind him, and walked over to Lily's crib. Large droplets were leaking out of her blue eyes, her face contorted, her onesie askew on her body. Lucas held her in her arms and sat down in the rocking chair while she belted out. He thought about Peyton and about his future in Lily's life and, for the second time that day, he grew emotional. But this time the tears wouldn't stop. They came down in rhythm with the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the roof outside. A few of his tears sprinkled Lily's cheeks and lips, rolling down her aesthetically cherubic face, soaking the fabric of her white onesie that glowed in the torpid dark shadows of the room. Lily's crying ceased as Lucas' crying picking up in intensity until his body shook and disrupted the steady rocking of the rocking chair they were in. He fell asleep soon after Lily drifted off, the uneven rise and fall of his chest serving as her crib…both baby and boy had cried themselves to sleep that night.

---

Peyton didn't sleep at all that night. It was Saturday morning, and she found herself sitting in the same spot she was sitting in when Lucas left the room and never came back. She finally got up to brush her teeth and use the bathroom, staring a hole into the nursery door on her way back to the bedroom. A minute later she heard the nursery door open, and she jumped out of her seat. Lucas emerged without Lily, she was still sleeping peacefully when he woke up, a pleasant deviation from her normal pattern of waking up early in the morning and throughout the night.

Lucas, conscious of Peyton's presence, but unaware of her location in the house, walked swiftly out of the nursery and into the bathroom. He closed the door before Peyton could get to him.

She suspected that he was avoiding her, but she waited all night to see him and she wasn't going to let him evade her all day. They needed to talk, and aside from that, she really missed him in the eight hours they spent apart. Eight hours. How was she going to go months without him? But she needed him to understand why she felt they needed some time apart from their relationship. If only he would come out of that bathroom.

When Lucas walked into the bathroom, he had every intention of brushing his teeth, washing his face and walking out. Yet he found himself sitting on ledge of the bathtub, going over what he was going to say to Peyton. Despite his initial shock at hearing Peyton say she wanted to go to LA as a single woman, he knew exactly why. They both needed a chance to find themselves individually before they could even think about talking about the future. As amazing as the past two weeks were, they were so confusing. He wasn't confused about the way he felt about her, of course not, but he was confused about where they were going from there, and how they were going to get there. But they were going to get there and needed her to know that. He just needed to figure out how he was going to voice it to her.

He stood up; sitting in the bathroom wasn't going to accomplish anything, so he opened the door to find her standing in the hallway waiting for him to come out. Everything happened so fast, but in the mere second it took for him to get to her, he could see that she hadn't slept. There were creases in her forehead, definite signs of worry, and her eyes were bloodshot. He had every attention of talking to her rationally and sensibly, he really did, but he was sick of the tears and the angst that were sure to arise once they began talking about the forthcoming end of their relationship.

She remembered seeing him open the door and after that everything happened so fast. He exited the bathroom just as swiftly as he entered it. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could utter a word, his hand was on the back of her head and his tongue was in her mouth. He moved her backwards, back into the bedroom and laid her down gently before lowering his body to meld with hers. Although he caught her by complete surprise, it didn't take her long to react to him, gripping and grabbing at his body, and kissing him senseless. However, her body was extremely fatigued, a long week of frustrating classes and project members, baby and boy drama, and a sleepless night catching up to her.

He hated that she stayed up all night worrying, but he wasn't ready to talk yet…that would certainly make their imminent breakup all the more real. So he kissed her and kissed her, praying she wouldn't stop him. He kissed her until she fell asleep. He watched her sleep until it was time to get Lily from the nursery. While she slept, she went through a series of physical movements and auditory sounds. She mumbled some incomprehensible words; she moaned his name, grabbed at the sheets, cried, stopped and then cried some more. There was way too much crying going on in this house, he thought. Peyton's internship started in three weeks, but he assumed she would leave a little before then so she could get situated in LA. If he only had a limited amount of time with her, he didn't want to spend it crying and upset.

While she slept, he planned to spend some one on one time with Lily. He dressed himself, and Lily, fed her and when he opened his front door to leave, he found Larry Sawyer standing on his doorstep.

"Good morning."

"Hi Lucas, is Peyton around?"

"Actually she's still sleeping. Lily and I are about to go eat breakfast."

"Do you mind if I wait here until she wakes up? Does she normally wake up this late?"

Lucas cringed inwardly at how little Larry knew about his own daughter. "Yeah she's normally a late sleeper but today she might sleep even later. She didn't get any sleep last night."

"Oh," Larry's face fell. Lucas could tell that he was looking forward to spending some time with his daughter.

"You're welcome to come to breakfast with us while Peyton sleeps…unless you have other plans."

"I'd like that."

The three of them headed off to breakfast in Lucas' car. They got a table at a small diner on the outskirts of Tree Hill. There wasn't much conversation in the car, other than the occasional "It's really nice outside today."

To which Lucas responded, "Yeah it is. Yesterday was pretty messy."

They both knew what that meant.

While perusing menu, Lucas took the opportunity to spark the conversation, "So how long are you here for?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow night. But I'm coming back in a couple of weeks to help Peyton move to LA."

"I bet you're excited for Peyton. I know I am," he added.

Larry looked at him uneasily, "I'm sorry for accusing you of convincing Peyton to stay when she was the one who chose to stay…I can tell that she loves you."

Lucas laughed.

"What's funny?" Larry said seriously.

"Peyton broke up with me last night."

Larry raised his eyebrows, "I'm sorry Lucas…You seem to be in good spirits though."

"Well Peyton and I had a nice talk this morning," Lucas smirked to himself. "I think it's for the best. We both have some things to figure out…this isn't the end for us though."

"You sound confident," Larry pointed out.

"I am."

Their food arrived and they ate quietly. It took Lucas longer to finish his breakfast because he kept putting down his eating utensils to hold Lily and attend to her. Larry smiled at the way Lily responded to Lucas…he thought wistfully of his own daughter. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah Peyton should be up by now."

As Lucas picked Lily up and heading towards the door, Larry nudged him, "There's a waitress over there that's been staring at you the whole time we've been here. Don't tell me you've got a back up girlfriend just in case Peyton dumped you," he joked.

"Nah she's staring at me because Peyton and I dined and dashed at this restaurant last summer," Lucas explained. "We should probably get out of here," he laughed and moved swiftly through the restaurant.

---

Peyton awoke from her slumber and felt around the bed for Lucas' body. She blushed for a moment and became aware of her body temperature…for the second time in two days, her dreams were X-rated, filled with vivid imagery of her and Lucas entrenched deeply in the sacred act they had yet to take. This certainly had to be a sign. She didn't want to spend the next two weeks in tears, she wanted to spend the next two weeks enjoying the company of two people that had captured her heart.

She heard the door open and sat up in her bed, anticipating Lucas and Lily's return. Lucas strolled in the room holding Lily and, before saying a word, Peyton held out her arms for the little girl. She held Lily in her arms and Lucas asked her how she slept.

"I slept pretty well," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. Their eyes met and their gazes were both charming and delectable. They spoke no words of what happened, they were both choosing to stay mum about what transpired before Peyton's nap. It seemed as though they were on the same page about the way they wanted to spend their last two weeks together.

"Your dad is in the living room," Lucas broke the silence created by their glances.

"Oh wow I totally forgot that I was supposed to take him to breakfast," she said regrettably.

"I hope you don't mind but I invited him to go with me and Lily."

Peyton gave Lucas a wide smile, "Of course I don't mind…I appreciate it. Although I have to say that it's somewhat of a surprise that you guys spent a whole breakfast together," she said as she walked out of the room to greet her dad. "Hi again," Peyton hugged him.

"Hey honey. So I'm leaving tomorrow and I wanted to spend some time with you before I go."

"How long until I see you again after tommorrow?" Peyton questioned him.

"I just told Lucas that I want to help you with your move to LA. I'm only taking a two week job so I can get back to Tree Hill in time. Is that okay?"

"That's more than okay. Thank you dad."

"You shouldn't have to thank me for doing what a dad should be doing for his daughter."

Wow…she was liking this new and improved Larry. "So where are we heading today?"

"I thought we could just drive around and talk."

"Alright."

Before Peyton and Larry left, Lucas informed them, "Haley is cooking a Saturday night dinner at their apartment tonight and they invited us to join them."

"Sounds great," Peyton chimed. "Are you coming Dad?"

"No you kids have your fun. A friend of mine that I haven't seen in ages invited me out for some drinks later. Thanks for the invite though."

"I'll be back in a few hours," Peyton informed Lucas.

"Have fun."

After they left, Lucas sat on the couch with Lily sleeping in his lap. He was so emotionally exhausted and he needed a moment to himself to just reflect. Life sans Peyton started in two weeks and he was pretty anxious to discover what that life held for him and for Lily. He technically still had two weeks to decide if Lily was going to embark on that journey with him but truth be told, the verdict was in and there was no way he was changing his mind.