CHAPTER 9 : FOR LOVING AND FOR SAYING SO

Feeling the impact of the slap across the face, as if it had been physical, Merlin reacted in the only way he knew, he backed away. His heart was torn between offering support and allowing the hurt and misery that was Arthur's, to play out. He chose the latter, moving to the fire in a daze, he put on two logs. He wouldn't sleep any more tonight. He couldn't understand the intensity of Arthur's feelings as he had never been sexually abused but, he felt at a loss as to explain why Arthur no longer wanted him. Was his dream of being with Arthur for years to come, over? He couldn't explain it but he felt lost.

He knew he would never fight Arthur so flight seemed the only alternative. He walked slowly over to pick up his bedroll; he passed by the horses; left the cave and kept walking; leaving the love of his life, standing motionless against the rock face.

Merlin felt physically sick. He guiltily relied on his magic to calm his nerves and help him understand exactly what had happened back there. It didn't help. He was scared to return to the cave; never before, in all the years that he had known him, had Arthur been so cold, so direct and frightening; never before had sympathy Merlin offered, been rebuffed.

Tired of wandering, he found a depression in the lee of a huge rock, he put down his bedroll. Wrapping himself in his blanket; he lay down; curled himself up and began to sob.

Arthur finally returned to his bedroll. He was physically and mentally exhausted. He knew he could go forward as he had told his secret and Merlin had understood and said that he loved him.

He turned to Merlin, he knew that he had been harsh with him and wanted to explain. Where his best friend should have been, there was an empty space, no bedroll, no blanket. Why had he run out on him? Did he no longer want to love him now that he knew his dirty secret?

Arthur's world came crushing down...he hated this cave. It had been so full of promise, he remembered their first night; the column of sunlight the following morning and Merlin standing in tonight's full moon.

He now regretted pouring out his heart to him. It had been too much for him to accept and he was gone. Arthur cried out to the empty cave, "What have I done?" The horses turned their heads in his direction but eventually settled.

Two lost souls, desperately needing to talk and unable to do so, finally fell into troubled sleep.

Merlin woke as the wind picked up, rustling the few remaining leaves. He heard the wood pigeons and a hawk. He opened his eyes and stretched. He felt safe, warm and cozy wedged next to the rock. He remembered last night and his heart hurt once again. He had to face today, the breakup of what had obviously been just a friendship not love, as well as the long solitary ride back to Camelot.

His snuggled back into the warmth, but was suddenly conscious of something that didn't belong to his body, something warm and comforting. His fingers explored it, a hand on his chest over his heart. He turned and looked into Arthur's face... they were sharing his bedroll.

Arthur was looking straight at him, not the cold Arthur of last night just Arthur, "You were not easy to find, I had to wait till dawn. It was only the blanket that gave you away. I told you a blue blanket was no good in a camouflage situation. Thank goodness, you never listen to me!"

Merlin abruptly pulled away and stood up. Arthur was only being nice to him because he was sorry, that he'd been so rude to him. He wasn't going to take any of this rot. He didn't want him and pretending he did, would only open the wounds which had just stopped bleeding!

Arthur patted the bedroll, "Merlin you'll freeze, you haven't any clothes on. Come back next to me."

Merlin's head said, 'Don't!'

Merlin's heart said, 'Forgive!'

Merlin's soul said, 'Arthur!'

He turned looking down at Arthur, the same Arthur whom he loved, the Arthur from before the telling of the dreadful secret, the Arthur who was crushed by those memories and who had at one point scared him. His Arthur who had resurfaced; his Arthur who had searched for him and found him; his Arthur, his true love, who was inviting him to return to a shared warmth.

He shivered, it was so cold. He said, "Well, Pendragon, couldn't you have afforded your own bedroll and blanket? He dropped to his knees and returned to Arthur's warm body, in the bedroll with his favourite blue blanket.

Merlin whispered something to him and Arthur replied, "Are you kidding? It's too cold! I'll keep them on if you don't mind!"

Later when the sun had warmed up, Arthur carrying the bedroll and Merlin wrapped in the blue blanket, made their way back to the Cave. Arthur had decided that they needed another night in Cave Two to help ease the sadness of his secret. But first, they were going to check the area for game.

"I'm not hunting rabbits, have you got that straight?"

Arthur promised, "We'll try for a pheasant or grouse, maybe some trout. I saw mushrooms this morning and some apples and berries, you can 'do a Gaius' and find leaves from plants that are good for us."

Merlin now dressed, saddled the horses and they rode off on an epicurean treasure hunt.

Their relationship was still slightly strained but Merlin hoped that another night there would dispel once and for all that hesitancy.

They rode, much of the time in friendly silence. The horses even benefited as they let them graze while they had lunch provided by a farmer's wife. She was thrilled to serve a Prince. She sold them some cider and a half loaf of bread and with the mushrooms, a pheasant and apples, Merlin decided it would be a feast fit for a king.

It was a perfect day and riding back to the cave in the late afternoon, everything seemed wonderful.

Merlin saw to the horses and started a fire. Arthur was fascinated watching Merlin pluck and clean the pheasant. It was then roasted over the fire, a job which Merlin insisted that Arthur was capable of supervising. Supper was served and Arthur noted that it was the best roast pheasant that he had ever tasted.

"You roast one pheasant, Arthur, and you suddenly become a food critic?"

"Well, it takes one to know one," he replied.

The sun was going down and it was becoming cooler so Merlin set up the bedrolls in the area where they had stayed the first night. As there was lots of firewood handy, he built a second fire nearby. They had finished the cider and talked keeping well away from last night's fiasco. Merlin knew that one day, Arthur would want to revisit it but not tonight!

Merlin usually so demanding and outgoing was quite reticent when they settled onto their bedrolls. Arthur seemed nervous and withdrawn and it broke Merlin's heart. He loved Arthur he knew he did; he felt that Arthur loved him so why now was it so difficult, when they had had four wonderful days.

Merlin lay still and closed his eyes, he remembered Gaius saying if you want it, do what you think is needed. He shyly put his hand on Arthur's chest, making little circles with his fingers. He was quite bold and when he felt Arthur relax he said those special words, "I Merlin, love you, Arthur Pendragon! But I'm a little frightened tonight..."

Arthur rolling towards him, held Merlin in his arms and said, "I Arthur, love you, Merlin and I'm not the least bit frightened." Then lovingly, he bushed back Merlin's hair and ran his fingers across his forehead and said with a wicked smile, "Merlin, it's alright I know you're clumsy but...I won't break..."

And with that, Arthur stopped any further conversation by kissing him...