A Family Torn Apart
With the imperial matters settled, Cao Cao turned his attention to his arch enemy, Sun Quan. Two years earlier, Sun Quan had attempted to take control of Hefei Fort, but failed due to a sudden plague outbreak and the staunch resistance put up by Cao Cao's forces under General Zhang Liao. Since then, Cao Cao had been making preparations for a counter-attack on Sun Quan.
"You what?!"
The teacup that I was holding fell out of my hands and splashed tea on my dress. I was alarmed when Cao Pi told me that he intended to take us along with Lady Bian to Hefei. Cao Cao was planning to attack Sun Quan at Ruxu. And Cao Pi thought that it would be a good idea to expose Rui to the reality of war. Rui was after all ten years old and on the cusp of adulthood. Cao Pi himself had been on campaign with his father since he was six.
"I know that you are worried about the children's safety but Hefei Fort is impenetrable. Father is confident that we will win this war," declared Cao Pi. "And I agree with him. We are well prepared for an offensive. We will wipe out Sun Quan and his army once and for all."
Oh, my son! In my heart, he would always be my little baby Rui…
I suddenly realized that Rui had all grown up – he had begun martial arts training since he was six and was skilled with the sword. His archery skills were also improving under Cao Pi's tutorship and had gone on hunting trips with his grandfather and father. If Sun Quan was defeated, it would be one less enemy for the Caos to worry about in the future. Reluctantly, I acknowledged that Rui should be given exposure to warfare and tactical strategies if he were to become a great general one day. He was born into a great family and would one day, lead Cao Cao's armies. It was a sobering thought.
On the eve of our departure, I felt a terrible pain in my abdomen that I almost fainted. Zi Yan quickly called Hua Tuo to attend to me.
"What is the matter with me?" I asked the good physician.
After checking my pulse, he said grimly, "Your heartbeat is very irregular and your lower abdomen is swollen. It is not a good sign."
"Am I going to die?"
He remained silent for a long while. This was serious - my fear rose steadily as I took a shaky breath. Zi Yan who was beside me burst into tears.
"Hua Tuo, you are not only my doctor but a good friend. Please tell me the truth," I begged.
"I have seen your symptoms before and all my patients have died due to this mysterious illness. I wish I could determine the cause, Lady Zhen, but I'm afraid that my skills as a physician is limited. For now, I can prepare a prescription that would help to reduce the swelling but as for whether you will live for one year or for another ten years, I cannot tell," he replied.
While he was being honest in his diagnosis, I knew that he was telling me subtly that I would not live to see my grandchildren. My days were numbered. I choked back a sob as tears rolled down my cheeks.
"There is no cure, is there?"
He shook his head sadly. "I will do my best to help you."
I nodded with a sigh. "Hua Tuo, I want you to promise me one thing…"
"What is it?"
"Promise me that you will not say a word to my family members about my illness," I said.
"They will want to know what is wrong with you," Hua Tuo stated.
"Yes, this is what I want… They should not be made to feel sad about my illness. I want my husband and my children to live out their lives without worry…This is mine to bear."
Hua Tuo understood and kept his word. I told Cao Pi that he should go with the children to Hefei without me.
"Are you sure about this?" said a doubtful Cao Pi. "I don't want to leave you alone…We could postpone the trip to a later time."
"No, you should go… all of you. Rui will be most disappointed if we cancelled at the last minute," I told him. "Besides, Zi Yan and Hua Tuo will take good care of me."
The next day, Cao Pi and our children departed for Hefei as I watched them from the top of the city walls. The Wei banners were flying high as the army marched out. Lady Bian promised me that she would take good care of Rui and Dong Xiang. Cao Cao had recalled Cao Zhi from Linzi and tasked him to defend Ye City in his absence. Cao Zhi had stood at the city gates to see them off after having a word with his father.
While they were away, I spent most of time alone in my room, reading or playing my flute and seldom mingled with Cao Pi's other wives and concubines. None of them suspected my illness as I was careful not to show it. At times, the pain would come in waves as I struggled to compose myself and not cry out. Only Zi Yan knew of the suffering that I had to endure and I trusted her not to say a word to the others.
One day, Hua Tuo presented the medication to me in a tiny red bottle – inside, there were ten round, black pills the size of peas.
He had been told of a miracle flower called, Tian Shan Xue Lian. It did not grow in this region but in the extreme cold weather in the north and can only be found at a high altitude. Apart from the difficulty in harvesting the flower, it was also a deadly poison. Through his research and knowledge of poisons, he was able to reduce the potency of the toxins from the flower by adding the bark of a special tree.
Poison?
A chill ran down my spine as I shivered. Hua Tuo was asking me to take poison!
"I know that this is a lot to accept at this moment. A few of my patients have also tried this medicine and I am monitoring their progress," said the good doctor.
I was skeptical. "But surely, there must be some side effects to this poison?"
"It is a risk. The full side effects has yet to be recorded but there is at least one that I know of – you can never have any more children. In view that your condition is worsening, I recommend that you should try it… I will monitor your condition over the next few days."
Hua Tuo was right about my condition. There was no choice, either I took this risk and perhaps, live a few years longer or I could die now and never see my children again. The answer was clear.
"I will take it," I decided with a sigh. "I trust you, Hua Tuo. You would never put me in unnecessary danger."
The day I took the plunge and swallowed the pill, I did not expect the terrible pain that came with it. My body felt hot and cold at the same time, my heartbeat was racing and I was drenched in cold sweat. My insides felt twisted and I could not eat or sleep for several days. Hua Tuo and Zi Yan kept vigil over me.
"The pain will pass soon," Hua Tuo kept telling me but at that moment, I wished to die. It was by sheer will that I endured the suffering.
On the third day, I vomited blood – it was thick and black. And I passed out.
When I woke up, Hua Tuo had just finished administering acupuncture on me - it was to stabilize my condition. The pain was gone and I felt extremely hungry. Hua Tuo smiled – I had just gone to the depths of hell and back.
On one of my better days, I decided to go for a walk along the riverbank. It was the beginning of spring and trading ships would be able to ply the Yellow River when the snow thawed. Those ships would bring in goods from other provinces and new curios from faraway lands. As I walked along the pier, I came across Cao Zhi who happened to be there too.
"Zi Jian, it is a surprise to see you here," I said with a smile.
Cao Zhi smiled back. "Zhen Fu, it is good to see you. I heard that you were ill and did not join the campaign to Hefei. I'm sorry I haven't come to visit. Are you well?"
"You should not worry about me. I am feeling much better," I told a small lie. "Shall we walk together?"
"Of course."
We walked together, looking at the various goods being sold at along the riverbank. There were colorful silks, jade and precious metals peddled by merchants beside fresh seafood, fruits and vegetables. I asked Zi Yan to buy some food for the household – fresh food would be a refreshing choice after the winter's preserved staples. We stopped by a teahouse and sampled desserts and tea. There were a lot of people at the bustling port and no one recognized who we were. Cao Zhi was only accompanied by his personal guard and there were no soldiers around.
"How are Lady Cui and the children?" I asked Cao Zhi.
"They are well. Lady Cui was a little sad that we had to move back to Ye City. She seemed quite settled in our little house away from the city," he replied casually.
"It must be stressful for her."
Cao Zhi seemed oblivious of Lady Cui's reservations about moving back here. As a woman, I understood her perfectly – she would not want her husband to be anywhere near me.
Our casual afternoon tea was suddenly interrupted when an official hurried in and knelt in front of Cao Zhi. A fearful silence descended on the teahouse as customers stared in our direction.
"My lord, I have something urgent to report," the official said with a bow. "There was a ship that came in two days ago. Their sailors were ill and some even died before they could get any help. So I came to the docks this morning to check it out myself."
"What did you find out?" Cao Zhi questioned.
"The ship was carrying grain from the north and it was infested with rats. The captain has died together with ten of his men…"
"Where are their bodies now?"
"They are in the state morgue for further examination," the official reported.
There must be something on board that ship that caused the sailors to fall sick, I thought. Turning to Cao Zhi, I said, "Zi Jian, please be careful with this case. This strange illness could be contagious…"
He agreed and we quickly returned to the city.
As we reached the city, another official from the morgue ran up to the carriage, his face white with fear. "My lord! My lord! It is the plague… The men died from the plague!"
Zi Yan and I gasped in horror. Cao Zhi told us to go home and quarantine ourselves within the residence while he hurried into the palace to discuss plans to prevent the spread of the disease.
"Get me the officials from the Ministry of Health and Internal Security!" Cao Zhi ordered as he hurried back inside.
The entire city was under lock-down and curfews were imposed by the city guards. Unknown to many, the sick sailors had come in contact with their family members and thus, spread the disease. Information on the extent of the plague was virtually non-existent. Many succumbed to the deadly plague both from within the city and surrounding villages, including Cao Zhi's friends, Liu Zhen and Chen Lin. I ordered my household to boil water for consumption and washing while all meals must be cooked properly. The servants were prohibited from going out without my permission. All areas were to be kept clean. Luckily, Cao Pi and my children were away when this happened. I sent rations and medicines from my stores to Cao Zhi so he could distribute it to those in need. There was a deathly silence in the city during night time, as people feared that they would be infected by the disease. The dead were hastily cremated and the infected ship towed out to sea and burned.
"I wish I could have done something more," Cao Zhi wrote to me. "There were so many dead – men, women and children. How quickly the heavens inflict untold pain to this city… I could not save Liu Zhen and Chen Lin!"
"It is unfortunate that we lost many good men," I wrote back. "But we must never lose hope. Instead, we must be vigilant until the worst is over."
Even my loyal friend, Zi Yan fell ill. I was so worried that she may have contracted the deadly disease. "Zhen Fu, you must send me away so I do not infect the rest of the household," she pleaded in her fevered delirium.
"No, Zi Yan," I said adamantly. "I will take care of you. I will not let you die! You must fight this!"
"Zhen Fu!" she wept.
"I will not hear any more protests, you hear me? I will not let you die!"
I personally nursed her day and night, feeding her the medication and keeping her company. I would not even think to abandon her and I did not care if I got sick too. Hua Tuo came to see me when the curfew on the city was finally lifted.
"You were very brave to nurse Zi Yan yourself and risk being infected," Hua Tuo said.
"Zi Yan is my childhood friend and I will never leave her," I responded.
Hua Tuo seemed to hesitate a little. "Lady Zhen, do you mind if I take a sample of your blood?"
"Yes, of course."
I extended my hand to him. Hua Tuo took a pin and pricked my finger as a drop of blood fell into a bowl of water. He studied the bloodwork carefully and was thinking hard. Then, he looked up at me, amazement written all over his face.
"What's the matter, Hua Tuo?"
He carefully placed the bowl on the side table and went down on his knees. "Please forgive me, Lady Zhen… It is hard for me to explain…"
I bent down and asked Hua Tuo to rise and speak to me.
Hua Tuo bowed and said, "Lady Zhen, the pills I gave you have not only prevented your illness from flaring, but it has miraculously altered your blood composition and its potency may have overcome any infections that threatened your immune system!"
"What did you say?" I was surprised by the turn of events. "Are you saying that the poison saved my life?"
He nodded. "As long as you keep taking these pills, your illness will be suppressed…"
Indeed, every cloud has a silver lining…
When Cao Pi and Lady Zhen's children returned to Ye in late 217 after the campaign, Lady Bian's attendants were surprised to see that I was very cheerful. Of course, they did not know that I had very nearly died and Hua Tuo had saved me.
They asked, "Lady, you've not seen your children for about a year. We thought you would miss them and be worried about them, but yet you're so optimistic. Why is that so?"
I laughed and replied, "Why should I be worried when Rui and Dong Xiang are with Lady Bian?"
Upon his return, Cao Cao was granted the title of Vassal King of Wei by the Emperor and was given more territories. There was a great celebration in Ye City. At the banquet, Cao Cao praised Cao Zhi for his speedy handling of the plague.
"I have many capable sons," he declared. "One day, one of you will be my successor!"
Cao Zhi then personally thanked all his advisors, especially Secretary Yang Xiu and Generals Ding Yi and Ding I for their great contributions in governing the city. Everyone was in good spirits, except Cao Pi. He was brooding and did not say much at the banquet. Instead, he was drinking heavily and kept glaring at Cao Zhi. Lady Bian and I noticed it but kept silent.
I had to help Cao Pi back to our chambers that evening as he was already drunk. He kept mumbling incoherently to himself. "Cao Zi Jian! You should watch your back! I will not forget this humiliation!" he shouted.
"Zi Huan, you are drunk and talking nonsense," I said gently, as I took off his outer robe and helped him to bed.
"First, it was Cao Ang, then it was Cao Chong," he wept. "Why doesn't Father favor me? Why?! What is wrong with me? I did all he asked of me… I am his eldest son… I should be the rightful heir…"
I listened to his rantings quietly as I took off his shoes. "Do you know what my Father told me when Cao Chong died?" he suddenly asked me. It was many years ago, that one of Cao Cao's sons by the name of Cao Chong had died of illness. He was Lady Huan's son – a promising young scholar. Cao Cao was greatly saddened by his passing. The whole family mourned for a whole month and thereafter, every year during the Ching Ming Festival, Cao Cao would visit his son's tomb.
Calmly, I said, "No. What did he say to you?"
"I tried to console Father and instead, he turned to me and said, 'Cao Chong's death is my misfortune, but it is to the advantage of you and your brothers.'"
Then, he laughed bitterly.
"Don't worry, Zi Huan. You will feel better tomorrow," I comforted him and allowed him to weep till he fell asleep.
I had hoped that Cao Pi and Cao Zhi would have patched up their differences and worked together for the sake of the kingdom. Their relationship began to deteriorate when Cao Cao declared that he would be picking his successor. The rivalry between Cao Zhi and Cao Pi grew more intense. Cao Zhi hoped to overcome the natural advantage of his brother and convince his father that merit was more important than age. Each had his own group of supporters and close associates engaging the other side in clandestine rivalry. Cao Cao's court was divided. The elders of the court naturally sided with Cao Pi while the younger ones supported Cao Zhi.
As if there was not enough trouble in the family, I suddenly came to know of a certain woman by the name of Guo Nuwang. Cao Pi had placed her in my household as my lady-in-waiting. Little was known about Lady Guo, except that she was the daughter of a minor official. Lady Guo was young, pretty and seemed well-mannered. She was unusually chatty, pretending friendship and loyalty to me but I kept a respectful distance as I did not know her that well. She quickly became a favorite with Cao Pi's friends and advisors and even started accompanying him to parties and banquets. I was unsure of her ambiguous relationship with Cao Pi but I heard that it was Lady Guo who gave Cao Pi shrewd advice during the succession controversy that pitted Cao Pi against his brothers.
Initially, Cao Zhi's party appeared to be prevailing, and they were successful in accusing two officials supporting Cao Pi - Cui Yan and Mao Jie. Cao Cao had Cui Yan executed, while Mao Jie was deposed. Mao Jie later died a broken man. Cao Zhi was not happy that his friends went to such extent to undermine his brother and sent a letter apologizing to Cao Pi – I was there when Cao Pi swore he would avenge them. "Cao Zi Jian, if you want a fight, I shall crush you!"
He tore the letter to shreds and stormed out.
Cao Zhi was wrong to have allowed this to happen. My heart was torn with sadness, seeing the brothers turned enemies, all for the sake of the crown. I felt helpless – I could not intervene and be the peacemaker in this feud. My requests to Cao Pi to show leniency to his brother had been largely ignored.
The situation was tense when Cao Pi and I attended Cui Yan's memorial service. Cao Zhi and his wife were also there as Cui Yan was her family member. It was a solemn ceremony as we bowed and paid our last respects. Cao Pi was stone-faced when he saw his brother and ignored him.
"Lady Cui, please accept our condolences," said Cao Pi kindly as she wept. "Advisor Cui Yan was a good man."
"Please do not blame Zi Jian," Lady Cui said instead. "He did not mean to harm my uncle…"
Cao Pi stood back and glared angrily at Cao Zhi. "The deed is already done. No amount of excuses will bring him back! I promise you that I will get to the truth of this matter and there will be consequences…"
"Brother!" Cao Zhi tried to talk to Cao Pi but was roughly pushed aside. Then, he glanced at me but I had no words of sympathy for him as I followed my husband out of the hall. The next day, I confided my concern to Lady Bian.
"As long as Lord Cao does not pick his successor, I am afraid that Zi Huan and Zi Jian will end up killing each other," I told her sadly. "I don't know what to do. Perhaps if my lady Mother could advise them. They will listen to you."
Lady Bian sighed and said, "They are both my children and I raised them myself. When they were little, they always looked out for each other. I do not believe that Cao Pi would harm his own brother…"
I merely nodded. Lady Bian was in a nostalgic mood and refused to believe that her sons had grown up and were different now. She asked me not to worry and that this feud would soon be over. I sincerely hoped that she was right.
As I was leaving Lady Bian's chambers, I met Cao Zhi in the courtyard.
"Zi Jian," I said with a nod.
Cao Zhi looked a little lost and hopeful at the same time. "Zhen Fu, it is good to see you."
"Are you here to see your mother?"
"Yes… yes…" he said distractedly. "Zhen Fu, why have you stopped writing to me? I feel lost and uncertain about this path that I have taken…"
"Are you having doubts about the succession race?" I asked.
He nodded. "I never thought it would end up like this – now, my own brother won't speak with me. Even you have avoided me. I am alone and afraid all the time…At night, I dream about Cui Yan and he just stands there, never says a word and looks at me with sadness."
Cao Zhi was a gentle, loving soul who would never hurt anyone. He would be a compassionate and steady ruler one day but not in this tumultuous times. Cao Cao's heir would have to be strong, decisive and even cruel at times to secure the kingdom. Could Cao Zhi do that?
"The cost will be great, Zi Jian," I told him grimly. "I cannot pretend that I know what will happen but your father did not rise to power by being nice. He knew that sacrifices had to be made and that means, alienating friends and family."
Cao Zhi looked devastated. "All I wanted was to serve my country… I cannot step back and leave the fight, there are many who support me and would willingly give their lives for me – to see me succeed my father. Don't tell Father because even the Emperor supports me…"
The Emperor? Why would the Emperor be interested in the succession race? He had no power to influence the outcome but if he had someone whom he could control, someone like Zi Jian...
I kept these thoughts to myself.
"If this is what you want then, you have to be strong and prepare for what is to come," I advised him. "Zi Huan will try to beat you and it will not be pleasant."
Cao Pi fostered his image among the people as a capable leader and created the sense that Cao Zhi was wasteful and lacking actual talent in governance. He shrewdly garnered the support of his father's advisors while side-lining Cao Zhi's friends. Lies, traps and intrigue led many good men to their untimely deaths, some of them were my old friends. These were the dark days when the Wei court no longer exercised freedom of speech and rule of law, descending into tyranny by both Cao Cao and Cao Pi. While Cao Zhi hesitated, Cao Pi did not think twice and incisively went in for the kill. The splendor that once was the golden era of Wei had dimmed. One by one, either Cao Zhi's supporters fell out of favor with Cao Cao or simply switched sides to Cao Pi.
One of Cao Zhi's closest friends was Secretary Yang Xiu, a bright and clever fellow whom I had had the privilege to meet at the palace. He was also Cao Cao's advisor and became involved in the fight between Cao Zhi and Cao Pi for succession. Yang Xiu's close links with Cao Zhi caused him misfortune during Cao Zhi's occasional drunken misbehavior such as the incident in Ye city, where Cao Zhi drunkenly rode through the gate reserved for only the emperor. The news spread like wildfire at that time - Cao Zhi was coursing through the streets in his carriage, and exited the city by the Sima Gate. Cao Cao was furious, and sentenced the driver to death. But the final blow was when Yang Xiu was discovered to have leaked the council's discussion agenda to Cao Zhi so that his friend could prepare beforehand and impress Cao Cao. Because of this, Cao Cao had the ever loyal Yang Xiu executed.
I had hoped that Cao Zhi would remain steady in his course but Cao Zhi sank further into his drunken habits and depression as he mourned the death of his closest friend. He was so drunk that he was unable to lead the army to aid a relative under siege in Fancheng. Later, his wife Lady Cui was seen wearing the elaborate robes of an imperial consort to the Crown Prince; this was something that was prohibited in the palace. Cao Cao was told of this transgression and he ordered Lady Cui to commit suicide. The news of their deaths greatly saddened me, they lost their lives because they believed in Cao Zhi. Lady Cui would do anything to please her husband and I could understand why she did it. I wanted to pay my last respects to Lady Cui and hoped that my husband would accompany me as well.
That evening, I waited for my husband to return. There was the sound of company approaching – Cao Pi was not alone. Someone laughed gaily as he strode in, his friends around him. I was again alert to some difference in my husband. He greeted me without enthusiasm, his eyes downcast as if caught unawares. My body stiffened at the sight of Lady Guo, Cao Pi's new favorite. They had been seen together openly. Seeing my grim expression, he knew that I would be upset and was trying to hide his cheerfulness.
"Zhen Ji, are you well now?" he asked in afterthought, referring to my recent illness. I had been ill for many weeks, confined to my chambers and in my absence, many things have changed and I did not like it. My residence was no longer filled with intellectuals but conspirators and apple-polishers, grasping for power.
"Yes, I am quite well now," I said evenly.
He looked relieved. "I thought you would be ill for months," he blurted out. "We had a good hunt this morning. I shot down 2 wild geese…"
"And how does my lord find time for amusement when there is a death in the family?" I asked coolly.
"What? Oh, you mean Cao Zhi's wife?'
He was far too loud, far too jovial. He was acting the part of a man with nothing to trouble his conscience. "It is something and nothing," he said heartily. "She insulted Father, disregarded his orders and she deserved the punishment."
"Not one word of comfort, not one thought of understanding for your brother! You do not think of him at all!" I raised my voice.
"Why are you angry with me? I did not order her death!"
I walked up to Cao Pi and stared at him, hoping to find some semblance of compassion but found none. His eyes were cold and distant.
"I find your lack of sympathy revolting… What has happened to my Zi Huan? What has happened to the man I married?"
"What do you mean by that? I am still here!" he said in a flush of temper.
His friends fell silent at once. They did not expect me to cross words with Cao Pi.
"She was your sister-in-law… and she is dead because of some stupid, cruel law," I snapped as I headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" Cao Pi demanded.
"Away from here! I cannot bear being in the same room with you!"
"Stop… Damn you, woman! Come back here!"
I ignored his shouts and kept on walking, out of the gates of our residence. Zi Yan wanted to follow me but I told her to look after my children. "I need some time alone to think," I said.
How could Cao Pi be so cruel and unfeeling? He behaved like a total stranger and not the man I knew and fell in love with…
I didn't know where I was going as I wandered aimlessly until I found myself in front of the temple. The nuns there quickly came out to greet me.
"Lady Zhen, we did not know you were coming to visit us. Is there anything we can do for you?"
Wiping my tears with my sleeve, I said, "Reverend Mother, do you mind if I spent a few days here? My mind is confused and my heart is aching…I can find no peace."
"You can stay here with us as long as you want, my lady."
The reverend mother showed me a simple room – there was a mat, a wool blanket to keep warm and a straw pillow. "I hope you are comfortable. This is best we can offer you."
"Thank you, Reverend Mother. This room is fine."
I doubt that I would be getting any sleep anyway. My thoughts wandered to Cao Pi.
What has happened to us? What did we do wrong? This wasn't where we intended to be. Could the quest for power change a person so drastically? As his wife, I supported him to achieve his ambitions in an open, honest way. Perhaps, I was naïve to believe the ways of the imperial court; that it took sabotage and subterfuge, gossips and schemes to rise to the top. And there was Lady Guo - Cao Pi has been spending more and more time with her.
I began to doubt my husband's true intentions and that he was a master of the game. Even I was fooled by him. The river of fate seems to be flowing against us. The more I keep swimming, fighting against the current, it draws me further and further away from my love- have I already lost Zi Huan? Have I been living in denial all this while? Have I chosen the wrong brother?
Stop it! I chided myself.
I should not entertain such thoughts. The room suddenly felt claustrophobic as I wandered out into the cold night. The small garden courtyard was quiet and calm, the nuns were probably sleeping. As I made my way to the wooden pergola, under the cool moonlight, I noticed there was someone there and gasped when I recognized the person - Cao Zhi!
He seemed to be engrossed in his thoughts as I approached. "Zi Jian."
Cao Zhi immediately turned around to face me. He looked sober and sad - it took Lady Cui's death to finally jolt him to his senses.
"Zhen Fu, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"I am staying here for a few days," I replied. "Just to think things over…"
He looked genuinely worried. "Did my brother aggrieve you?"
Unwilling to discuss my marital problems, I shook my head and changed the subject. "What are you doing here?"
"My wife, before she died, she asked me to come here to make an offering for her soul," Cao Zhi said with a heavy heart. "The nuns were kind enough to let me stay for a while…"
"I am so sorry for your loss, Zi Jian."
He sighed. "It was my fault that she died. She did everything for me and I never appreciated or loved her. I should have done many things to make her happy but I didn't… Now, all I have left are regrets."
"Lady Cui would have wanted you to be happy," I said quietly.
"I doubt I ever will be happy in this life…My wife, my friends have left me… My brother is trying to destroy me… And here you are. Under normal circumstances, I would be overjoyed that you are here with me but there is only emptiness in my heart."
I was moved with pity for him. "I feel that I am partly to blame for your pain."
"Please don't say that, Zhen Fu. You are only trying to help me to be a better person," Cao Zhi said kindly.
I leaned my head wearily against the pillar. "I'm not all that you think I am. I am just good at hiding my faults. Do you ever wonder, how things would have been if nothing could touch you inside? How simple it would be to stride on, ignore what's within?"
"Our hearts are not made of wood or stone. The pain we feel tells us that we are alive. Yet sometimes, I wish there was a magical spell to release me from this hardship and pain," Cao Zhi mused.
"It would be nice, wouldn't it? All we have to do is snap our fingers and all the cares of this world would vanish!" I said with a smile. "What will you do now?"
Cao Zhi became silent. Suddenly, he asked, "Do you know about the little cicada?"
I shook my head.
"These creatures hatch from the soil and make their way up to the top of the trees, shun away from other creatures. They live on high branches, eat and drink with few desires in life. Yet, for such simple creatures, their songs bring in dangers. They become the feast for birds, and die under the clutches of a predators... For those trying to fly away, they become trapped in a spider's web, those trying to land on the ground, they are eaten by grass insects. Some try to escape and start to migrate to another place, hoping to find a safe and peaceful place. But there is no safe or peaceful place... Eventually, the cicadas will stop singing and the world will become silent again..." *
Was he talking about his own life? I wondered.
"My brothers and I used to hunt for cicadas when we were little. They would look for the biggest ones but I would look for the one with the most beautiful wings."
"Warm days will turn cold and like the circle of life, they will come back," I said. "Zi Jian, the journey ahead is still unknown. Your friends and supporters would not wish you to be into harm's way. What good would that do?"
Cao Zhi sighed. "It will be over soon. My father has convened his council to decide on his successor. He knows what had happened to Yuan Shao and Liu Biao. Changing the rules of succession would be disruptive and create untold misery on the common people. I have been fighting a losing battle since the beginning."
"Zi Jian, even if you don't become the Crown Prince of Wei, you could still offer your talents to help administer the kingdom," I suggested.
"Yes, I suppose I could stay by my father's side and be his counsel if he needs me," he said.
"Your father will definitely be happy if you do," I remarked. "After all is said and done, I can see that he still loves you very much."
"What about you, Zhen Fu? What are your plans? Surely, you don't plan on remaining here for the rest of your life?!"
I shook my head. "I'll be fine, Zi Jian. I will go home eventually," I said with a sigh.
I miss my children.
As it was getting late, I turned to leave. Cao Zhi said hesitantly, "Zhen Fu… I wish to know… just this once, if you have ever loved me… a little… please, before you leave… I just want to know…"
I grew uneasy knowing what he was about to ask. "Zi Jian…"
"I promise I will not ask you again. Zhen Fu, if we were to forget who we are… would you love me?"
I looked up at him, his glassy eyes shone a sincere and beautiful soul. Reaching up, I touched his tear-stained cheek. He enclosed my hand in his and drew it to his heart. Tears came to my own eyes. He looked so broken. How could I tell him and not break his heart all over again?
And so, I let my silence convey what I could not say as I lay my head on his sturdy shoulder. He held me in his arms and understood– there was no need for words. In my moment of weakness, I felt my control slip and I allowed myself to feel safe and loved, a feeling that I thought I would never feel again.
Yes, I could love you… perhaps, in another life…my sweet, gentle poet…
We stood like that for a while, appreciating the comfort and silence. Then taking a deep breath, I pulled away from his embrace slowly.
"We must never speak of this ever again," I said and he nodded. As I walked away, I could feel his eyes on me but he made no attempt to follow.
Please, please don't come after me, I prayed. I don't know if I can hold back the dam of emotions that threaten to overwhelm me…
I quickly reached my room's door and closed it behind me, leaning against it for a long while. Then, I heard his footsteps outside my door as he stood on the other side and whispered my name. "Zhen Fu, I know you can hear me. I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart."
Don't open the door, Zhen Fu…Run, run…as far away as you can!
He knew I was there and waited for me to respond. My heart was pounding so hard that I could hardly breathe. I balled my hands into fists and felt my fingernails dig into my palms.
I cannot… must not!
Finally, he realized that I was not going to open the door and walked away as the night was filled with silence once more. I sank down on the floor and hugged my knees close to my chest. Tonight, my thoughts and actions were not Zhen Fu's but a lonely unnamed woman desperate for love. How did I end up like this? Alone at last, I could finally cry.
Early the next morning, I got up to say my prayers at the prayer hall but I could not concentrate on the mantras. I kept thinking about last night and the acute pain in my abdomen started again.
Will this illness ever go away?
Suddenly, there was a loud commotion outside the temple. The nuns were flustered and Cao Zhi came running into the prayer hall. He saw me and gasped, "Zhen… Lady Zhen?"
"Lord Cao Zhi," I greeted him in a cool formal tone. He froze and stared at me.
"What is happening outside?" one of the nuns asked fearfully.
I turned around and saw Cao Pi storming in – he was frowning and was in a bad mood. When he saw me, his mood lightened as he pulled me into a hug. "Zhen Ji! I was so worried about you… I had my men looking for you everywhere the whole night!"
I went stiffly into his arms. Cao Pi noticed it and looked at me worriedly. "Zhen Ji, are you all right? You shouldn't have gone out alone. We must return at once!"
I hesitated. Then, Cao Zhi said, "Brother…"
Cao Pi turned towards his brother as his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Zi Jian, what are you doing here?"
Cao Zhi gazed nervously at his brother and then to me. "I… I came here to pray for my wife…"
"Oh, really?" he said coldly. "Had you been more serious about your career and family, maybe she would not be dead."
"Zi Huan!" I said, appalled by his cruel words but Cao Zhi was unfazed.
"You are right, brother. I will have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life," he said.
Ignoring his brother, Cao Pi then took my hand and said, "Zhen Ji, we should go now."
I could not pretend that things were going to be fine, not anymore and so, I wrenched my hand away. "I will not go with you… I will leave here when I am ready," I told my husband.
Cao Pi was shocked. "What did you say?! Why do you want to live here, in this rundown temple?"
This rundown temple has more peace than the den of wolves in our residence…
"Please go home, Zi Huan. You have caused enough trouble here," I replied, the abdominal pain flared and I bit my lip to curb the discomfort.
"You dare!" Cao Pi shouted and raised his hand but I did not shy away. He would have to hit me in full view of the others but he did not. Instead, he said, "Oh, I get it now… Do you really think that it is mere coincidence that the both of you are here at the same time?"
I heard the sneer in his voice. "What are you talking about?"
"How dare you, Zhen Ji… Zi Jian…Sneaking around behind my back!" he roared angrily.
"That is not true!" Cao Zhi cried. "You don't understand…"
"Zhen Ji is my wife! And your sister-in –law!"
Cao Pi flew into a jealous rage as he reached for his soldier's sword and drew it. The people in the temple screamed and ran, creating chaos. "I will kill you, Zi Jian!"
No, no, no… this isn't happening!
I deliberately threw myself in between the two brothers. "Stop it, Zi Huan! You twist and turn your words and accuse us of something that we did not do… I have been loyal and faithful to you…"
"You want to protect him!" Cao Pi exclaimed as he found the end of his sword aimed at my neck. "You would rather die for him!"
"No, I want to stop you for doing something that you will regret!" I said breathlessly. My head was spinning and the pain I felt became too unbearable. "Zi Huan…"
Before I could say another word, my vision turned black as I collapsed. The last thing I heard was Cao Pi and Cao Zhi calling me.
I dreamed I was a swallow, soaring above the clouds and looking at the vast city below, the mountains and the forests. The wind was in my face as it lifted me higher. The sun was low and red as night turned to dawn. Where am I going? I flew around waterfalls, canyons and valleys. The world was big and wide. Suddenly, I felt afraid of this vastness and I began to fall back down to earth.
My eyes opened as I took in my surroundings – the soft drapes and the silk bedsheets were not from the temple. I was home, in my own room and in my own bed. I let out a painful moan as my body felt like it had gone through hell. How did I end up here?
"Zhen Fu, it is me," said Zi Yan.
I smiled at her as she helped me up to a sitting position. "Zhen Fu, I was so worried that you would not wake after the dreadful fall."
"Fall?" I asked quizzically.
"Yes, Lord Cao Pi told me that you had fainted in the temple and he had brought you home so that the physician could attend to you," Zi Yan explained.
So, that was how I ended up here.
"Anyway, I have prepared the medicine for you," she said as she took out the little red medicine bottle and gave me a pill.
Then Cao Pi came in. "Zhen Ji, are you feeling better?"
I gazed uncertainly at my husband - the last time I saw him, he was in a mad rage. "Zi Huan, are you still angry with me?" I asked.
He came and sat down beside me. "I cannot be angry at you for that long. You were unconscious for almost two days."
Two days?!
"I'm sorry, Zi Huan. I should have…"
Cao Pi placed a finger on my lips and said softly, "You don't have to explain anything, Zhen Ji. I believe you…You must get well, Zhen Ji. I have good news to tell you. Father has declared me as his successor! I will be Crown Prince of Wei and you will be my princess!"
Cao Pi looked genuinely pleased and triumphant.
"I am happy for you," I said with a weak smile.
"You will need a new set of clothes for the installation and ceremony," he decided. "There will be new clothes for Rui and Dong as well…"
He had it all planned from the decor to the banquet food as he explained it to me. There would be festivities over the next few weeks. I was not sure if I should ask him about Cao Zhi but I did anyway.
"Zi Huan, now that you have got what you wanted, please promise me that you will forget the enmity between you and your brother."
Cao Pi's smile turned into a scowl.
"Zi Jian is longer a threat to you. He has lost," I said simply.
He was silent for a while and then, he said quite hesitantly, "You are right. He is not a threat to me now. I promise you that no harm will come to him."
"I'm glad that you realize that," I said, somewhat relieved. Cao Pi came over to me.
"And you need to promise me something," he said with a grin. "That you will rest and recover soon…"
I nodded as he kissed my forehead. "I love you, Zhen Ji."
It was much later that I found out that Cao Zhi was not allowed to set foot in our residence and that he was not to see me again. It seemed that Cao Pi did not really trust his brother or me – his promise extracted by a sick woman's plea. And so, I asked Zi Yan to send word to Cao Zhi that I was fine and that I wished him a good life.
Author's Note: In history, Hua Tuo was reported to have died in the year 208 – he was executed by Cao Cao. I am taking the liberty of using the ROTK version where Hua Tuo was still alive and able to treat General Guan Yu in the Battle of Fancheng. There is a reason for this and will be revealed in the upcoming chapters.
* inspired from Ode to the Cicada, Cao Zhi.
