(The image didn't shock him anymore—it was merely a nightmare he'd gotten used to; but no matter how many times he saw it, it always brought up the same agony and the same anguish. The same hysterical laughter would bubble up in his chest because this was ridiculous—
"LUFFY!"
—but the fist was still through his nii-chan's chest and when the blood was coughed up, he felt it splatter on his face. It was the same disbelief and crush of hopes and wishes and fights and the world seemed to narrow down to only that person.
The fist was violently torn out of his nii-chan's chest and with a strangled cry—a sound between a silent sob and a sharp intake of breath—he caught his nii-chan. The sound of his nii-chan's knees hitting the floor was a dull background noise to the pumping of his own heart. And there were so many memories—
"I promise I won't die!"
—so many words—
"Didn't you know? If we do this, we become brothers!"
—so many emotions—
"I can't leave my weak little brother alone, can I?"
—so many promises—
"We're never going to regret anything!"
—and so many dreams—
"And when we're pirates, we're going to be freer than anyone else! We'll be free."
—were unsaid and broken and shattered on the floor; everything just collapsed because although he hung onto every strand of hope he had, he knew it was futile because there was just too much blood and the ragged breathing in his ear told him everything.
"I can't speak loud enough for the others to hear...so...please pass on...what I'm about to say."
A sob.
"A man—"
"Even though...I am so worthless..."
A choked intake of breath. The tears gathered.
"—should never—"
"Even though...I carry the blood of a demon..."
A deep, shuddering breath that went through burnt lungs and rattled his nii-chan's ribcage. He heard sniffles of the snot his nii-chan is trying to keep in check.
"—cry!"
"Thank you...for loving me! Thank you...so much!"
(I'm happy to be alive! I'm so glad I am alive, all because of your love. Thank you so much!)
And then his nii-chan—so proud and strong and unbeatable in his eyes—smiled and fell out of his arms. He looked at his nii-chan, then at his blood-stained fingers and—
"Please...I beg you...don't die...! Please...!"
"Yeah, nii-chan is so stong!"
"Ace, help me...!"
"That's my meat!"
"Ace I lo—"
—then there is only pain and insanity and despair and anguishandagonyandloveandgriefandsadnessandhisteri aand—
His mind shut down and he only remembers screams that may or may not have been his. He cried.
He broke.
He felt he was never going to be whole again.
"I promise I won't die!"
Hepromisedhepromisedhepromisedhepromisedhepromised hepromised—
Why?
"I promise I won't die!"
"I never wanted to live—"
"I'm so glad to be alive!"
Nii-chan died.
And he broke.)
Luffy woke up with a sharp gasp—crying and crying and he pressed his hands to his mouth to keep himself from making any noises; because he was their captain and a captain was supposed to be strong and be responsible and never be weak—
"I'm so glad to be alive!" He died.
And Luffy chocked again and the tears just wouldn't stop when they should because it was two years ago and it was not his fault and he'd forgiven himself for failing and—
"Didn't you know? With this, we'll be brothers!" But he died.
Air. He needed air, the sea, the winds and his ship to see. He needed to see he was free and alive and not on that battlefield where Ace–his nii-chan–he—
"Thank you...for loving me...!" Then why was he dying when he was so grateful?
Luffy threw the covers of himself and stumbled towards the door, reaching out for the handle in a desperate reach, because he must get out because he cannot hold his sobs in any longer and—
"I promise I won't die!" But he did. He broke his promise; he broke his brother.
Suddenly there was a hand grabbing his wrist.
"Luffy,"
But he didn't hear and kept pressing his hand to his face because if he didn't step out now he was going to bawl all over the floor and he couldn't do that because he was a captain, dammit all!
"Look at me, Luffy. Listen."
And he whipped his head towards the voice—steady, calm, lulling, gentle—and saw Zoro; reliable Zoro, strong Zoro, living Zoro who would go to the ends of earth with him and Luffy looked into his First Mate's eyes and chocked on his own sorrow again.
"Zoro," something in how he said the name—somewhat like a plea or like a relief, perhaps a hope or maybe even a cry of pain—made it sound like a prayer in the way he said it like a child would say 'make it all go away'.
Luffy gripped his First Mate's shirt until his knuckles turned white and something in his eyes—weakness, fear, anxiety, despair, pain—must have transmitted something to his swordsman because he was immediately scooped up like a child and carried outside.
He curled in on himself and breathed in the scent of his swordsman and Thousand Sunny and sea and salt and it smelt like home to him. When they finally settled they are in the observation room and the smell of Zoro—stable, reliable, unmoving Zoro—was strong in the air and he sobbed.
"He promised," he chocked out and he gripped Zoro's shirt tighter, pressing his head into the side of his First Mate's neck when the smile of his brother flashed before his eyes. "He promised—and-and he was so happy and-it-I—"
"It's okay," Zoro's voice was so gentle—and it reminded Luffy of his nii-chan when he'd gone to him after a nightmare—and Luffy sobbed when a hand combed through his hair slowly, as if time did not matter because they had all the time in the world. "Nobody can see."
And even after two years and forgiving himself, dream haunted him because there were so many unfulfilled promises and unsaid words and unlived years that e could not help but regret and feel guilty over.
Zoro remained seated in the observation room, stoic and guarding, and kept him there and all he could do was curl around his First Mate desperately.
He wept.
He cried and sniffed and yelled and gripped until Zoro's shirt was wet and crinkled, but never once had the swordsman complained or pushed him away; rather, he kept on stroking his hair and kept on talking quietly—Luffy wondered what he'd done so well in life that he deserved this.
He didn't lift his head from Zoro's neck. "Zoro?"
"Hm?" there was no judgment and no hesitation and only pure faith and love in that one syllable and Luffy felt like crying again. "What?"
"I promise I won't die—!"
"—we will always be connected by the bonds we have as brothers, no matter what we do or where we'll go—"
"I never really wanted to live—"
"I'm so happy to be alive...!"
"Thank you...for loving me...! Thank you so much...!"
Luffy closed his eyes shifted some until he could look into his First Mate's eyes. He gave a watery smile. "I'm happy to be alive."
(Because if his brother wouldn't be able to say it anymore, then he would; he'd scream it from the rooftops and laugh and smile even when it broke his heart because even if it was a broken promise, there was still the love and there was still the will and the spirit.
But mostly, there was still the bond of being a brother. The memories were still there and Ace's name would be screamed to the heavens and never forgotten to the world.
He kept moving on.)
"I'm...so happy...to...be alive, Zoro...!" he repeated sleepliy.
"Me too," the swordsman agreed.
He slept. When he woke up, he lay in the observation room while the soft clank of wights sounded to his right.
Yes. He was happy to be alive.
.–.–.–.–.–.–.–.
Author Note:
Luffy-centric. Watch out, I'm trying to make you cry here!
I just went though Ace's death (again) and looked at exactly what he said and decided to show how much it affected Luffy...I hope. Yeah, it's midnight here so no rant or anything (although massive thanks to the people having commented on the chapter before. You don't know how much your reviews make my day).
Thank you for reading and please review!
