To her surprise, Tommy and Lydia agreed to a regular visitation schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays Maura picks Kylie up from preschool at 2pm and has her until dinner at 5pm. On Saturdays Maura gets the whole afternoon. It's been a little over two months of this arrangement and Maura is so grateful for it.
It's still not enough, but it's so good.
Kylie is doing much better. She's back in preschool and, while she continues to act out much more than she used to, she's certainly manageable. She hasn't had to be picked up early once, which is better than anyone had hoped.
She's stopped throwing so many fits at home, which Maura thinks is both good and bad – good because she's easier to handle, but bad because she's becoming more avoidant to her parents. But she's as sweet as could be to Jane, Angela, and Frankie. Jane is around for a lot of Maura's time with Kylie, and Angela usually joins them at the park once or twice a week. She had very thoughtfully asked Maura's permission because she "didn't want to intrude on the special time," but Maura had insisted. It's not that she needs to be alone with Kylie, she just needs to be with Kylie, period. Even Frankie joins them sometimes, when he can get off work.
Maura's favorite memories from those months are of warm summer days at the park: watching Jane and Frankie toss a football back and forth, listening to Angela reading a book to an enthralled Kylie who is tucked up in Maura's lap and dripping juice all over her.
Angela, true to her word, is treating Maura as a part of the family. She fusses over Maura – did she bring a sweater? Is she hungry? Is she lonely? Does she need any money? Is she hungry? She often calls Maura just to chat, conversations that often end up being an hour or more. Jane likes to whine that Angela isn't really treating her like family because she hasn't set an annoying ringtone on Maura's phone, which just makes Maura roll her eyes every time.
Angela constantly asks if Maura's seeing anyone, or (after Maura invariably says no) asks when she's going to start dating again because Angela knows several nice young men she could recommend. Maura's actually so firm and unwavering in her answers that Angela pulls Jane aside once to ask if Maura's either a lesbian ("I know some nice young women too, honey") or if that terrible man had (she dropped her voice as low as possible) "done things to her." Jane had just shaken her head, both because it was none of her mother's business and because, honestly, she had no idea. She has some pretty awful suspicions but Maura's never said anything outright and Jane wants to be respectful.
Angela never says goodbye to Maura without giving her a long hug and handing over a Tupperware full of lasagna or cookies or cannoli even bigger than the one she always hands to Jane. It's sweet and generous, but a little strange for Maura because Angela doesn't know that Maura still hasn't moved home. No one knows, except for Dr. Riley. They're not ashamed of it, exactly, they just know how it sounds. No, we're not dating or having sex, we just spend all of our time together and unofficially live together in the same bed but it's totally under control and not weird please don't ask any follow-up questions.
Twice more, Maura's tried to talk about it. The first time was about a month and half ago. Maura had made a very unhealthy breakfast with an insane amount of coffee and watched Jane like a hawk for the moment when she would be caffeinated and sated but not sluggish from the carb intake. When the moment arrived, she'd pounced. "Should we talk about it now, Jane? About us?"
But Jane had just looked at her with those soft, loving eyes and said, "Not yet."
The second time was two weeks ago on her own living room floor. She'd spent the whole drive over convincing Jane that she needed to bond with Bass and that the best way to do so was to feed him and pat his shell. Jane, with extreme reluctance, agreed, and was at that moment gingerly patting him while he ignored the strawberry on offer. The look on her face—a mixture of nerves, long-suffering patience, and humor—was so adorable, and the fact that she was doing this was so sweet, that Maura's feelings swelled up in her like a tsunami. She felt so much, so hard, that she had to say something.
But all she could say was, "Should we talk about it?"
And Jane, without looking away from Bass, said, with a slightly trembling voice, "Not yet."
Jane had gone back to work. Maura spent the first several shifts with Angela, still afraid to be alone. But, slowly, she became accustomed to being by herself in Jane's apartment. And then, even more slowly, she'd started going out by herself.
Dr. Riley came with her the first time she went back to the Whole Foods where she'd been taken. She'd cried a little, but managed to buy her groceries without making a public scene or completely breaking down.
Her own home still scared her – it was so big – but Dr. Riley said she wasn't too worried about that. She said she had a plan for whenever Maura was ready to move out of Jane's. Maura had huffed a little bit but hadn't protested at her use of the word "move," because, honestly, it was pretty true at this point.
Jane is working cold cases right now, because the hours are more regular and she can pop out when she needs to visit Maura or help take care of Kylie. It's unfathomably generous of her—Maura can barely wrap her mind around it.
Maura has not gone back to work. She isn't sure if she ever can. The idea of performing an autopsy scares her. The idea of ever being targeted by someone like him again terrifies her. The idea of being alone in a huge morgue petrifies her. She talks a lot with Dr. Riley about whether this is letting him win. She remembers that she used to love her work, but it's like she can't access that feeling anymore.
For now, she concentrates on therapy, staying in shape while still healing up, her relationship with Jane, and, most importantly, on being there for Kylie.
At 9am on Saturday, Lydia texts Jane. "can u get k 10 2day? got a shift".
Jane is beyond frustrated with Lydia. The woman is being insane about Kylie and Maura. Yes, this must be tremendously difficult, Jane gets that, but Lydia won't even contact Maura directly. She always goes through Jane. Which would be weird but fine if she knew they were sort of living together, but is insane when you realize she thinks Jane isn't with Maura right now. It's rude as hell and it pisses Jane off.
She takes three angry deep breaths, and, of course, Maura notices. "What's wrong? What happened?" Then her face falls. Her voice is suddenly very small. "Did…did they cancel this afternoon?" She twists a ring around her finger nervously.
Jane could kick herself. "Oh, no, it's actually good news. How'd you like two extra hours with the nugget today?"
Maura's grin lights up the room.
Maura knocks on the door and hears the sound of tiny feet racing toward the door before it's wrenched open. Kylie's been told a million times not to open the door herself but she never listens when she knows it's Maura on the other side. She, as always, launches herself into Maura who, as always, scoops her up and hugs her, hard.
"HI MO!" She chirps.
"Hi tiny girl."
"I'm so glad you comed early!" Kylie is excitedly pulling on hair on both sides of Maura's head, making Maura laugh.
"Me too, sweet girl!"
"Hey, where's my hug?" Jane's voice comes from closer behind Maura than she expected, and she resists the urge the lean backwards and just rest against her.
Kylie leaves one arm around Maura's neck but extends the other, inviting Jane to join them in a three-way hug. "Right here Aunnie Jay!"
Jane obliges, leaning in and kissing Ky on the top of her head. She reaches a hand up to rub her back but mostly just rubs Maura's arm by accident. She looks over to apologize but Maura just looks so happy that she just smiles at her instead. Maura looks like she'd like to stay in this three-way hug for the rest of the day and, honestly, Jane wouldn't mind it either.
Kylie, however, has other plans. "LES GO TO THE PARP!"
Both Maura and Jane flinch away, wondering how such a tiny person can make such a loud sound.
"Can you say 'parkkkkk'?" Maura asks. She cannot for the life of her figure out why a child who can say "Kylie" can't say "park," and she's refusing to give up on it, even though Jane's told her to let it go at least ten times.
This time is no different from the others. "PARP PARP PARP!" Kylie chirps, thrilled out of her little mind. Jane bursts out laughing and Maura rolls her eyes, handing the child over.
"You two deserve each other."
Jane settles Kylie on her hip, still grinning, while Kylie softly chants "parp parp parp!" over and over again. She follows Maura into the house to say goodbye to Lydia. They learned early on that Lydia reacts badly to seeing Maura holding Ky, so they're careful to make sure Jane always carries her or holds her hand in the house.
"Have her back by five," is Lydia's only greeting.
"Of course." Maura is never anything but polite and friendly to Lydia, which makes Jane even more angry. "How are you doing, Lydia?" Maura is smiling, trying her best to look casual and comfortable.
"Fine. Just late for my shift. Bye, Kylie." She stands and waits for Kylie to say something back, but Kylie isn't even looking at her.
Jane knows what to do, because she's been doing a lot of reading on avoidant kids. She bounces Kylie a little in her arms. "Ky, what do you say when Mommy leaves?"
Kylie answers in a deadpan, without even looking up from where she's toying with Jane's necklace. "ByeMommyhaveagoodday." It could not be clearer that she doesn't mean it.
Lydia huffs in frustration and leaves without saying anything else, or even giving her a hug or kiss goodbye. Jane gnashes her teeth together, and even Maura looks openly concerned. Jane knows for a fact that Tommy and Lydia have been given very explicit instructions for how to act when Kylie is ignoring them, and that was certainly not it.
But it's hard to stay mad when, as soon as the front door closes, Ky looks over at Maura, throws her arms up in the air, and says, "MO AND KY AND AUNNIE JAY GOING TO THE PARP!"
Kylie crushes the park. She swings, she slides, she jumps, she climbs, she runs, she sings, she escapes from hot lava, she steers the pirate ship, she enthusiastically tears up great fistfuls of grass, she sheepishly tries to put the grass back after she gets scolded ("sorry grassies"), she picks dandelions and spits all over them while making her wish, and she gets Auntie Jane to hold her up as she goes through the motions of the monkey bars. After a couple hours of furious play, she flops, exhausted, onto the blanket Maura and Jane are sitting on.
"Are you tired, Ky?"
"NO!"
Well, sure. Jane has a trick for this, of course. "Wanna look at the clouds with me?"
Jane lies down on her back and a raised eyebrow gets Maura to do the same. Jane smiles to herself at how Maura double-checks that her head will land on the blanket, not the grass, and how she primly crosses her ankles over each other. Kylie lies down between them, snuggling into them both. Maura tucks her outside arm under her head and grins when Kylie reaches over to grab her other one, mindlessly playing with her fingers.
Jane points up to a particularly fluffy cloud. "I think that one looks like a rabbit."
"No! Cotton candy!"
"What about that one over there? It looks like a train."
"No! Cotton candy too!"
Maura tries to keep her laughter inside, but, the longer this goes on, the harder it is. Jane starts making up the most ridiculous things she can think of for the clouds to look like (a baby dragon, Uncle Frankie's butt, a pile of paperwork, the Pythagorean theorem) and every single time Kylie says "No, cotton candy" and giggles hysterically.
Maura is just so, so happy.
At some point Jane and Kylie devolve into a small tickle fight, and Kylie seeks refuge by climbing on top of Maura. Maura wraps her up in both arms and Kylie just snuggles into her. Jane immediately stops the tickle attack, and Maura runs a soothing hand over Kylie's back. Kylie takes a few deep breaths and then sticks her thumb in her mouth. Her eyes quickly start to droop.
Maura is incredibly impressed. Jane really is a manipulative mastermind.
Jane scoots a little closer and, as Kylie slips into sleep, takes a deep breath and then boldly reaches over and takes Maura's hand.
They've held hands probably countless times by now, but Maura knows immediately this is different. This isn't for comfort or for safety or for protection. This isn't to prevent someone being scared or upset. This is just…the only word Maura can think of is loving. This is like how Jane might take her hand if she'd never been kidnapped and they had just met each other like normal people, at work or at a bar. This seems like Jane is making a move. Maura rubs her thumb along Jane's hand, silently begging her not to let go.
After a couple of moments, Jane clears her throat and whispers, so she doesn't wake up Kylie, "Should…should we talk about it?"
But this time it's Maura who gently shakes her head. This moment is perfect. For once in her life, she knows enough without asking questions. For once in her life, she doesn't need to know more. "No. Not yet."
"Okay," Jane whispers. She squeezes Maura's hand again and closes her eyes.
They stay that way for at least an hour. Jane falls asleep quickly, still holding onto Maura, letting the sun bake the tension out of her forehead and lightening the bags under her eyes. Kylie is passed out hard on top of Maura, her head nestled in Maura's neck and her little feet just hitting the top of Maura's thighs. She's incredibly warm and Maura's going to be bathed in sweat but she wouldn't change a single thing.
Maura stays awake the whole time, not thinking about anything; just committing to memory how it feels to be so loved and warm. How it feels to belong to family.
The next day Maura is still high from their day at the park, so she allows Jane to drag her to Angela's for family dinner. She's gone twice before. The first time was so recently after she'd escaped that she was able to spend most of the night camped out in Kylie's room, reading stories and avoiding Kylie's parents. The second time, Tommy had been visibly uncomfortable that she was there, and Lydia had been openly hostile from the moment they walked in the door until the moment they left (early). Maura had vowed to never go back.
But tonight Frost and Jane's old partner Korsak are coming, and all day Jane's been leaning hard on how important it is to her that Maura and Frost become friends. Maura's main association of Frost is still the interrogation room the night she had escaped, so she understands why Jane wants her to make some different memories with him. She thinks that Jane's guilt about that night is adding extra fuel; if none of them have to remember that room when they think about each other, maybe she can finally start to put that behind them.
That night still presses so heavily on Jane. Maura knows that Jane beats herself up about it all the time. She'd apologized constantly until Maura had finally told her, firmly, that she only thought about it when Jane was apologizing, so if they wanted to move past it could Jane please just stop talking about it? Maura knows that she was only able to move past it so quickly herself because, in the light of what she'd just survived, it had been nothing. But she has a suspicion it was the cruelest Jane had ever been, the worst she had ever treated another person in her life. Maura understands that's hard to move past, especially now that their lives are so entwined.
So if it will make Jane feel better for Maura to spend time with Frost tonight, she's willing to do it. Even if it means spending time with Tommy and Lydia.
But they aren't there. Maura's both deeply disappointed to not get to see Ky and profoundly relieved to not have to spend hours ignoring how much Lydia hates her.
Dinner itself is lovely. Angela's food is delicious, as always, and Maura lets herself relax, not terribly focused on following the conversation about a current case. After dinner, Maura tries to help Korsak and Angela clean up while Jane and the boys head into the living room to turn on the Patriots game. Angela quickly shoos Maura out of the kitchen, insisting that "us old folks will clean up" and that "young people need to enjoy themselves." Maura has a bit of sneaking suspicion that something might be brewing between Angela and Korsak so she's happy to make herself scarce.
But what she hears as she approaches the living room stops her in her tracks.
"Wait, so you didn't hook up with her after all that?" That's Frankie's voice.
Maura freezes. Are they talking about her? She doesn't breathe and all she can think is how incredibly angry she'll be with Jane if she'll talk to them about it but not to her when she's been practically begging for it.
But it's Frost who answers. "Dude, I just said that we did." Maura lets out a deep a shuddering breath. It's not about her. It's not even about Jane. But, before she can take a step, Frankie cuts in.
"Nah, dude, hand stuff doesn't count."
Maura freezes again, worse this time.
"Yeah it does! Hand stuff totally counts."
"No way, man. Hooked up means like real sex or a blowie. Hand stuff is for like, ninth graders."
"Gross, you guys. I don't want to think about either of you do doing any of that shit." That's Jane's voice, but Maura's too far gone to let it soothe her.
She's out the door before she knows what she's doing, walking quickly down the block. Her breath has returned and she's taking great shuddering gasps, trying to keep from slipping fully into a flashback or passing out.
Gradually she gets enough control over herself to realize that she's outside, alone, in the dark, in a neighborhood she barely knows. She spins on her heel to head quickly back to Angela's – maybe she'll sit on the front step where if she screamed they would hear her – when she crashes into someone standing just behind her who reaches out and grabs her arm, hard.
She starts a scream, but cuts it off when the person says "Maura!" Thank god, it's Jane.
"Jane." Maura says it with profound relief, trying to smile.
But Jane is furious. "What the hell, Maur?! What the hell were you thinking walking out of there like that? It's not safe out here! What if—" her voice cracks a little bit. "What if something happened to you?"
Maura swallows down the flippant response that came to her, seeing how upset Jane is. Feeling how hard Jane is still holding onto her arm. Jane is freaked out.
"I'm sorry."
"What the hell were you thinking?" Jane is still so scared. That must mean that she cares about Maura, which must mean that everything is going to be okay.
"I…" Maura blinks, stalling for time, trying to decide what she can say, what she can explain. "I got scared."
"I know you're scared out here, but why'd you leave the house in the first place?" Jane says it like she losing her patience.
"No, I – I got scared in the house."
That clearly wasn't what Jane expected. "Wh—why? What happened?"
Jane loosens her grip and slips her hand down Maura's arm, taking her hand and slipping her fingers between Maura's.
As if in a trance, Maura feels herself tell the truth. "I heard what you were talking about in the living room."
Jane knits her eyebrows. "What? About the Pats? Or, oh, about Frost and Anna?"
Maura nods. "About…what classifies as sex." Jane just looks at her, still quizzical. Maura looks down at the dark sidewalk. "It made me—I just had a flashback and got scared."
Jane's face changes, melting from confusion into wide-eyed understanding into something that looks, at least in the darkness, like anger.
"You told me you didn't need a rape kit." She tries to keep her voice from sounding accusatory, but she can't help it. She's furious.
"I didn't need a rape kit." Maura's voice is soft. She hates saying the word.
"We should have charged him with rape, Maura, Jesus! Why the fuck didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me?"
Maura looks up at her, ready to attack back, but sees the tears running down Jane's face, shining silver in the distant glow from the streetlight. She must care so much. Maura tightens her hand in Jane's. "I think we've charged him with enough."
"Maura."
"No, Jane, I…we can prove everything else. Everything – that he took us, the explosives, killing his girlfriend. All of it. He'll serve life in jail. We don't need this." Maura knows this goes against all of Jane's cop instincts, so she, against her own instincts of self-preservation, goes on. "And we couldn't prove this."
"Well not without a fucking rape kit." Jane's voice is softer now. It's clearer she's crying, although Maura still doesn't know if she's aware of it herself.
"He didn't…" Maura looks back at the ground, her own voice on the verge of tears. Part of her can't believe they're doing this here, on this random piece of sidewalk in the dark. "He didn't do anything that a rape kit would show."
"That's why what Frankie and Frost said upset you. What they said about…oh. Oh, fuck." Maura doesn't have to look up at Jane to hear her understand it. "About hands."
Maura nods. They both remember that conversation in interrogation the first night.
He said that my hands were sacred. He thought that because I was the last person to touch his dead girlfriend and daughter, I could infuse him with their spirit. He was obsessed with the fact that I'd held their organs in my hands. He—he wanted me to tell him about it. What their hearts felt like, their stomachs. He made me use my hands on him, too.
Jane's heart has sunk deep into her bowels. "He made you use your hands on him."
Jane is sensitive about hands.
Maura nods. "And he used his on me, too."
Jane is shaking, with anger and rage and sadness and disgust and fury.
"He…I had to…" Maura can't seem to say it, so she slides into medical accuracy. "I had to orally stimulate him, sometimes, too."
Jane's voice comes out like a growl. "He's luck you didn't bite his dick off."
Maura make a heavy sound that might be a laugh or maybe a sob. "I tried, the first time. But he…he put the belt on her and said if I tried anything he'd use it."
"Jesus fucking Christ."
There is one last thing, one last thing that's been haunting her so closely. "He liked…he liked to give me a time limit and said if he hadn't…reached completion…by then he'd detonate her. He'd set a timer for it to detonate and I had to finish so that he had time to go turn it off. And she'd be right there and I made her sing and close her eyes so she wouldn't know, Jane, I tried to keep it from her, I tried so hard for her—"
Neither of them can take another second of it. Jane crushes Maura into her chest and they both cry, holding on as tightly as they can.
"I'm so sorry, Maur. I'm so sorry."
Maura doesn't know if she's apologizing for yelling, or for what happened, or for not knowing, or for what the boys said in the living room. But she doesn't really care. Because Jane is here and that must mean that she cares and that must mean that everything is going to be okay.
That night, back at Jane's, tucked up in bed, Jane doesn't even give Maura a chance to say it.
"It's not your night on the couch. It's never going to be your night on the couch." She says it emphatically, like it's a challenge. Like she's daring Maura to stay in this bed with her forever.
Maura reaches over and, boldly, take's Jane's hand in her own. "Goodnight, Jane."
