I know, I know-it's been a month. Shame on me. Here's Kaylie. Just Kaylie. I have been busy with school and possibly (okay yes) a mental breakdown. So here's a chapter. And yeah.
Is this red? Or is this pink? Well it can go in the middle because it's the same length as my pencil skirt and in a similar shade. But it has pleats, so should it go in an entirely different section? I gently laid the skirt on the floor in my 'undecided' pile and turned to my shoes. Reaching for my ruler I pressed the edge against one of my heels so I could properly shelve them by height.
"Are you measuring your bloody shoes?"
"They need to be shelved," I declared, not looking up from counting the markings on the ruler.
"Didn't you organize your closet last week, Kaylie?" Lizzie questioned.
"Yes, but it was all wrong," I announced, setting the heels in the neutral colored pile.
"Kaylie," Lizzie sighed. "You're losing it. Our flat is so clean I'm afraid to make it messy. I don't think I could if I tried."
"It's not that clean," I argued.
"You organized my socks by how many holes were in the toes. Now will you look at me?"
I pursed my lips together and rubbed absentmindedly at a micro scuff on the toe of a shoe. I knew what she was going to say. That I've been going off the rails for the last couple days. Since I was bombarded by Dom and Vic. I made a cognitive decision to get out of bed, shower daily, and go back to work. Then I had the weekend to get through to stick to my guns. It was a lot harder than I anticipated.
"Kay," Liz stated again. I dropped the shoe and glanced over at her. She was giving me a straight look while leaning against the door jamb to my closet and balancing a cereal bowl in her hands. I didn't like that look. "You need to breathe and put down the ruler."
"I'm just organizing. I don't see the harm," I announced defensively.
"You're not just organizing. You're like you're fifteen again, cleaning the bottom of your shoes before you put them away in the closet. Folding your clothes to put them in the hamper. You're manic," Lizzie sighed, coming in and setting her bowl on the top of the dresser. I opened my mouth to tell her that it was going to leave a ring but her glare cut it off.
"Kay, love, I really adore that you're out of bed so don't get me wrong but you can't go from one extreme to another," she sighed, settling down next to me. "You need to step back a little and just be instead of throwing yourself into something so you don't have to think about hurting."
"I don't know what to do," I admitted.
"Well stop organizing for one," Lizzie laughed. "Then maybe shower so we're both not late for work?"
"Lizzie," I moaned, flopping backwards onto the pile of clothes I had behind me. "I don't know what to do!"
Lizzie frowned at me, brushing her sleep-ratted hair out of her eyes. It was true. I was completely lost. One second I was crying. One second I was angry he drove me to this place. The next I was ready to go over and scream at him for not fighting and trying hard enough. Then I was ecstatic I took this step. That I did something for me for the first time in years rather than us. Then I was lost. I didn't know how to feel. How to move. How to breathe. I didn't know how I was to push on and continue to be normal because normal me was with James and that was obviously no longer an option.
"Who am I without him?" I questioned hesitantly.
"Kaylie Michelle Scott," Lizzie snorted. "What have these years done to you? You are, and always have been, a person without James. You are brilliant, a total genius. You're sharp as a whip. And you've never been defined by a bloke. Not even James."
"But-" I whined, the noise dying in my throat as Lizzie glared at me.
"You will take it one day at a time and soon you'll realize who you are again," she prompted, patting me on the head and standing up. "Now get in the bloody shower."
I lay there for a few minutes, pondering Liz's words. She was right. Just a year ago I would've punched anyone that told me that James was defining my life and personality. I've always taken my own path in life, despite James being at my side but he didn't need to be because I always knew he would support me. He was always just that puzzle piece that completed the picture. Now I've dropped one on the floor and I had to find a way to make something whole again without the original accompaniment.
It didn't seem possible, but it I mean it must be. It had to be. Many people have gone through breakups. Devastating losses. I've even been through more in the past. Something like this shouldn't trip me up. I'm strong. I'm a Gryffindor. I'm a fighter.
So I pulled myself off the floor and began to clean up my mess. I put away the skirts and steeled my emotions. I lined back up my shoes and cleared my face of the remnants of last night's tears. I carefully took my outfit off the hook on the door and smoothed out a wrinkle in the gray tweed pencil skirt. Today starts the beginning of the life I wanted. Today starts the plan I had to be a better me.
I was carefully pinning back my hair from my face a half hour later when Lizzie knocked on my door jamb. She was far less dressed then me in her clean jeans, plaid shirt and wellingtons under her hunter green work robes. She was due to take care of some of the plant samples she brought back from Spain in the Ministry greenhouses today and didn't need to be wearing her office finest like me.
"You look nice," Lizzie grinned, pulling her hair around her shoulder and tightly plaiting it. "Like the top."
I cocked my head to the side and carefully adjusted the tails on the loose bow that tied to the hollow of my neck. Only once I was satisfied they were even did I slip on my blue Unspeakables robes.
"You ready to enter the real world? Are you sure you're not going to faint or something once you actually leave this flat?" Lizzie joked, handing me my bag that was resting by the door. I rolled my eyes and hefted it over my shoulder.
"I have to do something," I sighed, nervously brushing imaginary lint off my skirt. "I have to do anything."
"Okay," Lizzie concluded, stepping onto the landing of our flat and holding out her hand. I clutched it tight, allowing her to Apparate us to the Ministry Apparation point. It was a bit overwhelming, landing in the bustle of the employees filing into the Atrium. It was like my world was being pressed around me from all sides as a middle aged wizard jostled me from behind. This was too many people. I wasn't ready for this many faces staring into my own. This was too much in the real world.
"Kaylie-Kat!"
"Kent!" I announced, letting out a sigh of relief. Kent pushed someone to the side to fight to get next to Lizzie and me. He had half a bagel hanging out of his mouth, a travel mug of tea in his hands, and his work robes slung over his free arm. His tie loose and shirt untucked. Essentially my nightmare but I couldn't even be surprised because Kenneth has never been a morning person.
"You look a mess," Lizzie snorted, stopping in the middle of the flow of traffic to dig through her bag.
"It's eight am," Kent droned through a huge mouthful of food. "Of course I look a mess."
"It's unprofessional," I sniffed, immediately buttoning the top collar and adjusting his tie. "Now tuck in your shirt."
"Yes Mum," Kent snorted, juggling his belongings a bit so he could hold out the travel mug in my direction. "I shouldn't have brought you tea if you were just going to be rude."
"Bloody hell," Lizzie declared, tucking her work gloves under her arm and glancing at her watch. "Is this really the time? Okay, I've gotta jet but lunch later?"
"Yeah," I shrugged. "I'll meet you at the cafe at noon?"
"Sounds good," Lizzie announced, already making her way towards the lifts. "I'll try and track down Louis or something."
"So," Kent started, grabbing my elbow and guiding me to our own lifts. "You ready to be back at work?"
"I have to be," I announced, running my finger around the rim of the mug. "I mean I need to be out of the flat. I think I'm driving Liz mad."
"I don't think you could," Kent laughed, punching the floor button and pulling down two straps for us. "She's one of your best mates."
"I went on a rather barmy organizing spree," I admitted. "I might've gotten to her things."
"Kaylie," Kent laughed, grabbing my shoulder to right me as the lift sudden slammed backwards. "You can't organize all your problems away. I mean maybe you should just talk to-"
"Do not finish that sentence," I snapped, whipping around to look at my twin. "I am not speaking to James. It's already hard enough not to just head over to your flat and go back to normal. Talking to him will just make it worse. I'm not looking for apologies. I'm looking for change...a change I frankly don't think he's capable of at this point in time."
"Alright, alright," Kent announced awkwardly. "I just thought I'd give it a try. It's just a weird predicament for me to be in. I'm not choosing sides but it's just never been this way. We've always all been together."
"Sometimes life gets in the way of always," I sighed, stepping out of the lift on the floor that Magical Law Enforcement shared with the Unspeakable's offices. "It's not easy for me either, you know. It's not easy to be so in control when all you want to do is curl in a ball and give up."
"I wasn't implying that it was," Kent groaned, shouldering on his robes. "I get that this is hard on you, Kay. I'm sorry. You know it hurts me when you're hurting. I just want both of you happy and I don't know what to do to make that happen."
"You don't do anything," I declared fiercely. "Happiness is something we need to find on our own."
"Oi! Kaylie! Kent!"
Kent and I stopped our current trek through the maze of cubicles and peered into the one Teddy was yelling at us out of. He wheeled his chair over to the opening and gave us both a genial smile.
"What're you doing back up here?" he questioned, twirling a bit in his chair. "Thought you two were all special and down in the Department of Mysteries now."
"Nope," Kent declared as I clenched my jaw tight. "We're back up to file clerk for a little bit. Transitional."
Teddy eyed me carefully, his head slightly cocked to the side. I was waiting for him to hate me. Victoire may be supportive but I essentially dumped his little brother. I was one hundred percent sure that he was going to hate my guts. Instead he pushed his chair back to his desk and shuffled through a few piles of papers. Wheeling back he held out a picture in my direction.
"Vic said to give this to you if I saw you," he announced, shaking it a bit when I immediately didn't grab for it. I plucked it from his fingers and sucked in a shuddering breath. It was a picture of James, Violet and I at the wedding, mere hours before everything went sour. I was adjusting the flower crown in her hair before pointing at the camera so we could both smile at it as James looked at the two of us fondly. "She thought you'd might want it, seeing as you're still her godmother, even if you two aren't together anymore."
"Yeah," I managed to croak out before stuffing it into my bag. "It's lovely. Thanks."
"No problem," Teddy shrugged, still eyeing me with that curious look on his face. Kent looked almost stricken. I was sure I looked almost on the verge of tears. I turned to walk away towards Griselda's office but Kent didn't follow.
"I'll be right there," he announced carefully. I nodded, tugging my fingers through the loose part of my hair before stepping away from the cubicle. It wasn't until I was around the corner that I stopped and caught my breath. That hurt more than anything. That was like a cut to the skin. Seeing us, together and so happy, made me want to puke and then cry. I closed my eyes and tried to get a grip on myself. I couldn't break down here. This was work. This was professional. This was my career. As my breathing slowed down something clicked in my brain. It was like the chamber between Kent and I's connection fell. Fuck, I must be more emotionally wrought then I thought because this doesn't usually happen unless I lose complete control of myself.
Just lay off a bit, Ted. Apparently they just got her out of bed and eating normal meals again.
I know James is hurt. I live with him, remember? It's just that she's hurt too. I get that you're trying to be protective of James but seriously just let them have it out on their own. They don't need us adding fuel to the fire.
I clenched my fists together and forced myself to center my thoughts. I couldn't lose control like that or Kent and I are going to be stuck on Transitional forever. Finally I felt the door between the two of us snap shut and the conversation he was having slip away. There. Done. I'm back in control.
"Hey," Kent announced, rounding the corner. "You could've asked me what I said instead of eavesdropping."
"I didn't mean to," I groaned, grabbing the handle to Griselda's door. "I just lost control for a second."
Kent's eyebrows shot up.
"That hasn't happened in a while," he whistled.
"I know...I know. I just tried to force myself not to cry and kinda lost track of what my mind was doing for a moment. I'll get it together and we'll be back to our project soon, I promise."
"Kaylie," Kent laughed, dropping his things on a chair. "Take your time. Don't force yourself to be ready to go back down there, let yourself really be ready. For the sake of my safety at least."
"There you two are," Griselda announced from her desk. "Have a nice Holiday?"
"Not particularly," I admitted.
"Well since our research has been delayed I've got plenty of filling and recording to keep you two busy," she announced, pointing to the several dozen boxes of files stacked against the wall. Kent groaned.
"I say take your time to be ready-but try and make that time as short as possible," he hissed, levitating one of the boxes and grabbing his stuff to move it to our old cubicle. "I might just beat my head in if I have to do this too long."
Kent may not enjoy it but the work Griselda gave us was rather welcoming in my opinion. It was a lot of organizing and alphabetizing. Mind numbing work that made my thoughts go blank. It was nice to get my brain functioning in this way again. This work was easy and distracting. It was exactly what I needed. It was easy to waste away two or three hours doing it.
File K09CT7 is a non-urgent Time worker case.
Thump.
File D25PT4 is a case for the Time workers but is urgent so it goes is goes over to sub-section B in the file room.
Thump.
File N33FT2 is an urgent case involving the whole of the department so it goes up to Mum.
Thump.
"Kent," I groaned, not even looking up from the file I was searching for substance and record code. "If you're not going to help can you at least stop throwing that ball against the wall?"
Kent sighed, the thumping stopping, and his chair squeaked. His hand slid into my vision as he moved the file to the side.
"You're eyes are going to cross," he laughed, when I finally looked at him.
"Well they've got to be deciphered before they can be filed," I sighed, pointing to his pile that had only decreased by about five.
"Why don't you go file what you've done so you don't go blind or something?"
"Why don't you actually do your job," I fired back with a small smile. Kent grimaced slightly.
"It's just so monotonous," he whined. I gave him a flat look and pulled at my sore knuckles. "I don't know how you do it. I did five and had to force myself to keep my eyes open. We've been at it for like ever."
"Try three hours? Why don't you go get some tea or something and I'll go file what I've done and what you've done so far," I suggested with a small eye roll. "Make sure to grab more tea for me as well."
"Yes your highness," Kent laughed, jumping up and bowing low at me. I smacked him across the head and hefted the files into my arms.
"Don't forget the lemon, Sir Laziness," I teased, backing out of the cubicle as Kent gave me a sarcastic look. "And try to get a few more of those sorted out while I'm gone?"
I hefted the files more secure in my arms and made my way down the hall towards the path that would lead to Mum's office. I pushed open the main door with my hip and nodded at her secretary before letting myself in.
"No," Mum sighed, her hips protruding into the room and her top half submerged in her fireplace. "I need that team in by one. If we don't make progress in this project by the end of the month Shaklebolt said he was going to cut the funding for it...Yes I'm aware that he has no idea what the project entails but we still need to send him some sort of progress report...Look, Fields, I want it done. No arguments."
She backed out of the hearth, brushing the ash remnants off her hands and shaking her head slightly.
"I swear, if Martin Fields gives me any more cheek I'm going to cut him from his position and give it to Anderson," she grumbled, pulling her hair up as I sorted out the files that were supposed to go to her. "Of course you never heard that, dear."
"My lips are sealed," I declared, flipping around a few files so they were alphabetized. I gathered them together so they were completely even with each other and handed them to her. "Here you go. It's not all of the box Kent and I are working on right now but it's a good amount. Files pertaining to urgent departmental issues."
Mum grinned at me, taking the files and sliding them into her In-Box, before pursing her lips. I wearily plopped down the rest of my files and flopped into the chair across from her desk. I could sense a lecture before it even started with her. She didn't speak for a moment, allowing me to examine her face. It's funny that I didn't see it for fifteen years. Mum didn't look like Kent and I. Her nose was narrow while Kent and I's turned up slightly at the end. Her eyes were light blue while ours were more turquoise. Her hair straight as a board while ours were tumbled with curls. When I was younger I always thought that we looked like our Dad. He had the same hair texture but it was blonde and as I looked at pictures there were distinct differences between our features. It was a wonder we never figured out that we weren't their children by birth.
Mum offered to show us pictures of our birth parents but neither of us felt the desire to. In our book Mum and Dad were our parents. Kent had Dad's exact sense of humor and I had Mum's sarcasm. Mum and Kent both were amazing at diffusing a situation and I shared Dad's quick temper. They were every bit our parents as any other family and we had no desire to know the ones that we shared nothing with but physical attributes. Maybe one day, but that day hasn't come yet.
"How are you doing, Kaylie-Kat?" she questioned finally.
"Mum," I groaned, picking slightly at my cuticle. It wasn't a conversation I was looking to have.
"Sorry," Mum shrugged, leaning back in her chair. "I've been worried. Kent's said that you've been...well not doing so well. I wish you would just come home and stay there for a bit. It's alright."
"Mum," I declared again. "I'm twenty-two. It's just a breakup. I don't need to come home. I mean the flat's still pretty much brand new. Why not stay in it?"
"It's not just a breakup Kaylie. James and you were together for a really long time. It must've been a hard decision to make. We haven't really got to talk about it since it happened."
"I don't really want to talk about it," I admitted. "It hurts too much to hash and rehash it."
"I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could take your pain away," Mum sighed. "I wish I could just make it all better."
"So everyone says. They just all keep forgetting that I broke up with him so I could be happy."
"Of course," Mum smiled. "Of course you did. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you. It's hard for a mother to have her baby all grown up and not needing her anymore."
"Mum," I laughed. "I've always been rather independent."
"That," she nodded. "Is very true. Now, will you and Kent be willing to grace me with your presence for dinner later this week?"
"I think we can fit you in," I grinned, standing up and going around to peck her on the cheek. She stroked my hair fondly before motioning at my remaining files.
"Get back to work," she ordered. I rolled my eyes and hefted the folders into my arms. Mum was already bent over her work as I paused at the doorway.
"I love you, Mum," I announced. Mum looked up and grinned at me before making a small shooing motion with her hand. While the conversation was awkward and very expected, a small part of me glowed a bit at Mum caring. There was a point in time where Mum wouldn't even blink if Kent and I broke up with someone. There was a point in time where work was her kids. But as each year passes it seems that she gets better and better at functioning without Dad.
With an only slightly renewed mood, I made my way back out on the floor and towards the file room. Today wasn't as bad as I anticipated. So far I haven't cried, which is a grand achievement on its own. So far I've only felt the urge to want to completely shut down once. Today was a marginally good day. If this wasn't an indicator of things getting better, I didn't know what was. For the first time in over a month I could feel that happiness was possible. It wasn't exactly close but I could see that eventually I could be happy again. I rounded the corner, this new lease on life giving me a small spring in my step, before freezing.
Every ray of positive thinking suddenly came crashing down around me. The square of his shoulders. The tousle of his hair. The swell of his bicep beneath his short sleeved shirt. Every bit of it made me freeze and the air supply to my brain completely stop. The files I was holding slipped from my arms, spilling all over the floor.
"Oh bloody hell," I hissed, immediately falling to my knees so I could stare at the pattern in the carpet instead of the person in front of me. I needed to be anywhere but here. I needed to be on a completely different continent. Hell, I needed to be on a completely different planet. I needed these files to not be all over the place. I couldn't be here right now. I scrambled to try to grab them all in a second flat but my fingers didn't seem to be working.
"Forget this," I hissed under my breath, pulling my wand from my pocket and sweeping it haphazardly at the files. They zoomed back towards me in a messy pile, but enough for me to pick them up again. I quickly stood, finally looking up. He was looking at me now. His deep brown eyes immediately searching my face. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it again, his lips pursing instead.
I should just go. I should just walk away. I mean what is there to say? Nothing really. Nothing at all. There's nothing to say that hasn't been said. That's not exactly true-I mean there was plenty to say. There was plenty to ask. But I didn't want to. I simply couldn't. I should just walk away. I made to do so and an immense look of hurt coated his features. It was like he broke from the outside in. And as suddenly as it was there was it gone. I can't just walk away.
"James," I squeaked.
"Kaylie," James echoed awkwardly.
It was too quiet. The silence stretched between us, vast and untouchable. Why was he here? It was supposed to be safe here.
"What are you doing here?" I finally questioned, rather desperately I might add.
James' face flashed slightly. His shoulders becoming rigid and his brow lowering over his eyes.
"Oh!" James declared with a sharp laugh. "I forgot I wasn't mature enough to hang out in a place of such stature. I'll just leave."
"James," I sighed, feeling the energy sap from my body at his mere tone. "That's not what I meant!"
"Why are you here, Kay? Don't you have super top-secret work to do?"
Oh. Really. Top-secret work? Is he really going to throw that of all things on me?
"I'm taking a break," I answered in a clipped tone.
"Oh now you take a break?"
"How's work for you, James?" I countered, trying to keep my voice from shaking as the anger grew. This wasn't James. This was an angry person. This was someone that was purposefully trying to hurt me. It's not something I've ever seen him targeting towards me. It was almost a crippling blow.
"Great. Completely responsibility free. But since I'm not in a serious relationship I don't need to do anything too hardcore," he declared, holding his hands out wide. He didn't even wait for me to reply to his clearly sarcastic comment before he turned on his heel and made off in the direction he came.
"Where are you going?!" I snapped.
"To the Day Care," he declared with a small, sarcastic, wave over his shoulder. "Thought I'd check myself in."
He's throwing every single thing I've said to him back in my face. He's using my words against me to hurt me in the worst way possible.
"Will you quit being so self-absorbed for a second James and try to see what I was talking about?" I managed to get out in what was practically a whimper. "Or are you going to walk away again? Walk away because things get hard? You seem to be good at that."
He didn't turn around to reply.
"Apparently, according to you, that's the only thing I seem to be good at!" he snapped, venom coating every word. I watched him stalk away, his shoulders rigid and fists clenched at his sides. I was rooted in place. I couldn't move. I couldn't even breathe. What was that?! What was that! Who was that person? That wasn't James. That wasn't my-what was I even thinking? My. Did that word really just cross my mind? He wasn't mine. Obviously he wasn't mine.
"Kaylie?" Kent questioned. Did I walk back to the cubicle? When did I start walking? "Are you okay?"
I shook my head, flopping into my chair and letting the files fall from my hands.
"What happened?!"
I looked at Kent's face hovering before mine, before glancing down at my hands. They were shaking. The cubicle was far too small. There wasn't enough room for the two of us.
I can't breathe," I managed to get out.
"What?" Kent questioned.
"Kent," I gasped, my lungs seizing and throat closing up. "I can't breathe. I really can't…breathe.
I could feel my breaths coming shallower and shallower. Kent immediately dashed from the cubicle. There was a shout of protest, Kent's sharp curse back, and his thundering footsteps. He came before me again and pressed hard against the small of my back so I was forced to bend at the waist. Then a brown paper bag, scrunched at the neck, was shoved under my chin.
"Breathe in and out slowly," he commanded. I tried, it was difficult at first, but eventually I got air to enter my lungs. The taste of whoever's lunch was in this bag filled the back of my throat and almost made me gag. "Keep breathing, Kay."
Finally it was all normal again. Air was reaching my brain. The feeling was back in my finger-tips and I could actually acknowledge that my cheeks were wet with tears.
"Now what the fuck happened?! You haven't had an anxiety attack in years," Kent questioned, kneeling down so he could become eye level with me. And suddenly the crippling numbness I felt however many minutes ago was gone, only to be consumed by anger.
"That bastard is what happened. That complete twat!"
"Who?! Teddy?"
"No! Who the hell else would be such a fuck-twit that I would be this angry?!"
"Just so you know there's other adjectives besides 'fuck' and 'twit'," Kent answered weakly, but look appropriately ashamed when I glared at him. "What'd he say to you?"
"Nothing! Absolutely nothing that I want to talk about! I'm going to lunch!" I exclaimed, standing so quick my chair flew back into the wall of our cubicle. I ripped a memo sheet from the pile and quickly scrawled out a note to Liz, folding it properly and throwing it so it would zoom away and reach her.
Kent was gathering his things, like he was about to join me but I whirled on him.
"No! You're going to file all that rubbish that I didn't actually get to because a certain bloody arsehole stopped me!"
"But-" Kent started to protest, his words dying as I whirled on him. "Well fine then. I'll eat with Louis."
I stalked towards the lifts and shoved a poor intern aside to grab the last arm pull. How dare he speak to me that way, like I wasn't even human? Like we didn't even have any sort of past together. Like we didn't mean something to each other at some point. Humans don't talk to people in that way. It's totally confirmed. I made the right decision. He wasn't even mature enough to speak to me face to face without trying to hurt me to make himself feel better. I'm done. I'm so done. I started to speed towards the lunch line when someone grabbed my elbow.
"Whoa there," Lizzie exclaimed, forcing me to wheel around to look at her. "I'm assuming by that chicken scratch you sent me that you wanted to eat lunch now. But, why may I ask, are you as red as a Quaffle? And Merlin, have you been crying. What the hell happened?"
"I am so done with James Sirius Potter," I exclaimed.
Lizzie blinked at me, reaching up to run a dirt caked hand over a dirt smeared forehead.
"What?"
"I'm done with him. I couldn't have made a better decision to sack him. He's pig headed and rude and not something that I can grow with in my future," I declared, feeling my chin jut defiantly.
"And this was brought on by…?"
"By the way he bloody treated me when I ran into him in the hallway!"
"Alright, one…yelling is going to do no good, you're attracting attention. Two…you look crazed. Three…loos, now."
I opened my mouth to argue but Elizabeth grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the loos. Once we were completely she flicked her wand at the knob, locking the door.
"Let's get you fixed up, you loon. Now what happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it honestly. I'm just so angry."
"Yeah, I can tell. You look like some pictures of Aunt Ginny when she was younger and yelling at someone," Lizzie sighed, taking a paper towel and roughly wiping at my cheeks. "I suppose anger comes after sadness in the stages of grief, eh?"
"I don't go through stages," I grumbled.
"Shut the hell up," Lizzie laughed. "You and Louis follow instructions like they're going to save your life and you always have. Plus these are natural stages. It's good. It means you're moving on."
"Moving on…" I echoed, gently brushing her hands away and turning to look at myself in the mirror. My face was still the shade of the Fat Lady's dress and even redder where Lizzie wiped away the stained mascara and eyeliner I had on. I hefted my purse on the counter and pulled out my makeup bag, carefully fixing myself so I looked normal again. "I think that's what I need to do."
"I agree," Lizzie replied hesitantly. "Moving on good."
"I just need to find the right bloke," I announced, tossing my makeup bag into my purse and turning around triumphantly.
"What?!" Lizzie spluttered. "Are you suggesting you need a oneie?"
"A what?"
"A oneie. A one night stand."
One night stand? I've only ever slept with one person. I've only ever kissed two—and frankly I don't like to count one of those. James and I were each other's firsts. James had done other stuff with other girls. I had avoided anything but snogging with Luke. But to sleep with someone is different. It's intimate.
"You don't have to be in love with someone to sleep with them," Lizzie piped up casually.
"I wasn't talking about a one night stand," I sighed. "I hadn't even thought of it."
"Well the phrase goes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else," Lizzie sang. I gave her an alarmed look and she sighed.
"Look—I'm all for you moving on. But I don't think that jumping into a new relationship is what you need exactly."
"I didn't say relationship," I stated carefully. "I just said bloke."
"I have no idea what you're thinking," Elizabeth groaned with a small 'humph' of frustration.
"I have no idea either," I admitted. "I just can't let him get to me. I need to move on. I need to get as far away from where we were."
"I'd say you should keep things casual then. No titles."
I nodded carefully. Casual dating. I certainly have never tried it. But, Louis has! Louis can explain this to me. He'd be able to rationally explain to me the parameters of 'casual dating'.
"Where's Lou?!" I exclaimed, yanking my purse off the counter and leaning into the mirror to examine my face one last time.
"I have no idea," Lizzie sighed.
"Well let's go find him," I announced, carefully removing my work robes so I could put them away for lunch. "But you might want to wash all the dirt off yourself first?"
Lizzie gave me an annoyed look. Dirt was like her makeup sometimes. She loved the feel of it. I couldn't fathom why. But she scrubbed her dirty hands, shaking them dry before motioning towards the door. I straightened out my shoulders and strutted the best I could out of the loo. Lizzie muttered something behind my back but I chose not to ask what it was. I was too busy scanning the packet mess hall for Lou's bronze head.
"Kaylie! You look much better," Kent exclaimed, grabbing me round the shoulder as he entered the room. I ignored him and flipped to Louis, who was immediately following.
"I need you to tell me all you know about casual dating," I exclaimed, placing both hands on his shoulders. He gave me an alarmed look.
"What the hell is she on?" Kent groaned.
"I have no idea," Lizzie replied. "But we both know when she gets like this there's honestly no stopping her."
I ignored them and yanked Louis towards the nearest table, forcing him into a chair and sitting across from him. He just looked bewildered as I pulled out a notebook and uncapped my pen.
"You're mad," were his first words.
"Please, Lou," I sighed, titling my notes. "I need to know this."
"Why?"
"She ran into James," Kent explained, sitting next to me and ripping the pen from my hands. Lizzie reached across the table from her spot next to Louis and snatched my pad away. "And shut down and then got spitting mad."
"And now she wants to move on," Lizzie put in.
"Oh," Louis blinked. "What the hell did James say to you?"
"That's beside the point," I snapped. "Now talk."
"Not when you're this barmy," Louis declared, sitting back in his seat. I groaned and pressed my forehead against the table.
"I'm not barmy," I argued weakly. The table erupted into sarcastic snorts of laughter. "Okay so maybe a little bit. I just want to move forward. Is that such a bad thing?"
"Of course not," Louis stated simply. "You're just going about it wrong."
"So you don't think I should casually date?"
"No, I think that it's a good idea," Lizzie put in. "But there's no rules to it. There's no procedure you can follow. You just do what you're comfortable with."
"I can do that," I admitted weakly.
"Just go slow," Kent put in. "Let things happen naturally. Don't go looking for a bloke."
"Then how do I meet people?" I questioned.
"You just do," Lizzie and Kent stated simultaneously.
I eyed Louis who shrugged and threw a few sickles in from of him before pointing his wand at one of the menu items printed on the table. A bowl of soup and a sandwich appeared steaming in front of him while the coins disappeared. It wasn't until he took his first bite, chewed and swallowed, did he speak.
"Kay, I think moving forward is a great idea. Just note that it might not be exactly what you think you need. I mean I've tried dating after Elena left but it doesn't work the same way.
"I could be a really bad example because I refuse to believe that things won't work out for us in the future, as fanciful and illogical as that is, but dating other people isn't just going on dates. There are feelings attached and sometimes they're the feelings you're not expecting."
"I'm aware of that," I declared hesitantly.
"Are you?" Kent snorted.
"I won't be able to know what I feel until I try," I sighed.
