A/N: Thank you so very much for the reviews! They really do help me keep up the motivation to write. Sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I had a hard time getting this to come out decent. The next chapter is what I really wanted to write, so it should be up soon. Please keep the reviews coming!


Ch 9 On That Day…

Kaidan walked down the hall of Alliance HQ. He had been unable to leave Mars early to be with Shepard. Hackett had said he understood Kaidan's concern, but the summit was too important to let Kaidan leave. So Kaidan had endured the long days and called Shepard each evening.

Kaidan had received a message from Dr. Kallestri to visit her before going to see Shepard. Kaidan finally reached the therapists office and the receptionist told him to go right in.

Kaidan entered and found Dr. Kallestri seated in a large leather chair that was well padded. There were two other chairs like hers and a leather couch that looked very comfortable. The office was furnished with soft toned wood end tables and various knickknacks. There were tasteful art works on the walls and a large fish tank. One wall was completely full of windows that showed a small patio with wicker furniture and a table. The whole office felt comfortable and almost homey.

Dr. Kallestri looked up from the data pad in her hand when Kaidan walked in. She was a middle-aged woman with short chestnut hair that had a few grays in it. Her hazel eyes were bright and she smiled as she greeted Kaidan. "Major Alenko, a pleasure to see you again."

Kaidan nodded at the slight woman and sat down in the chair she indicated. "How's Emelia, Doctor? What happened?"

Kaidan's directness didn't seem to faze the doctor and she looked at him intently as she answered. "What were you told?"

"That her PTSD kicked in and she injured a few orderlies who were trying to get her calmed down. Admiral Hackett said no one had life-threatening injuries." Kaidan gave a long sigh. "I can't imagine Emelia hurting orderlies no matter how upset she was."

Dr. Kallestri nodded and leaned back in her chair. "Shepard wasn't simply 'upset', Major. She was convinced husks were about to attack. That was her reality at that point. She didn't realize who the orderlies were."

Kaidan shook his head. "I can't… Husks?" Kaidan asked in confusion. "She knows they aren't around anymore."

"Kaidan," Dr. Kallestri said quietly. "Shepard's really been shaken by this. She's been having difficulty coming to terms with her injuries, but this," she sighed and hesitated a moment.

"I don't understand," Kaidan said earnestly.

Dr. Kallestri sighed and leaned forward. "She hurt people during this. One man has an arm broken in two places, another has a broken nose. The rest only have bruises, but Shepard isn't handling it well."

"Shepard would be happy to hear that, doc. She never made a habit of hurting innocent people." Kaidan said with conviction.

"But that's the problem; she didn't know they were innocent at the time. From her perspective she was fighting for her life and only managed to break an arm and a nose," Dr. Kallestri gave Kaidan a sad look. "If four men had jumped her two years ago what would've happened to them?"

Kaidan groaned and rubbed the back of his neck. "Damn."

"Exactly," Dr. Kallestri said with a sigh. "That's why she's so upset. Her confidence in herself is almost non-existent at this point and I can't get her to talk. Or to listen. She's very stubborn."

Kaidan gave a small chuckle at that. "She certainly is. How can I help?"

"Just be there for her. Try to get her to open up and see what she is still capable of."

Kaidan nodded absently as he thanked the doctor and left the office. Kaidan turned the corner to Shepard's hallway and saw her using her walker. She was headed back toward her room and was concentrating on the floor right in front of her walker. She didn't notice Kaidan standing at the corner. Her face was flushed and tendrils of hair stuck to the sweat on her face under Joker's cap. Her mouth was set in a firm line of pain and concentration as she slowly moved step by step with the walker.

Kaidan walked up to her and waved the orderly away. "Hey, love," he said and her head snapped up.

"Kaidan!" Shepard said enthusiastically as a smile lit up her face.

Kaidan moved around the walker and pulled her into a strong hug. She clung to him as her arms went around his neck and she squeezed him just as hard.

"Miss me?" he asked as he nuzzled her neck. Shepard only nodded against his shoulder. "Let's get you back to the room and we can talk," Kaidan said and gave her a deep kiss. He helped her get her balance back on the walker and they made their way slowly back to her room.

Shepard sat on the bed with a deep sigh and rubbed her left thigh. Kaidan noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the sweat from her exertion. She looks exhausted, he thought sadly.

"How was Mars?" Shepard asked quietly as she lay back in the bed and set the cap on the bedside table.

"Tedious. A bunch of politicians whining about they weren't getting everything their districts needed. Even though they all know resources are limited. I'm glad to be back," Kaidan said as he sat on the edge of her bed.

"What about you?" Kaidan asked as he searched her face. "I heard what happened. I tried to get back early, but…" he shrugged.

Shepard grimaced at the mention of her panic attack, but she managed to school her expression into the 'Commander's Mask'. Kaidan wished she wouldn't do that to him.

"I'm better. It was…stupid. It won't happen again," she said with determination.

Kaidan grabbed her hand and squeezed while giving her a stern look. "You have PTSD, Shepard. It wasn't stupid, it was completely understandable and we'll work through it."

Shepard dropped her gaze and nodded sadly, but she didn't answer him.

"Tell you what," he said with a small smile. "You go get a shower and I'll bring up some dinner for us. We'll talk about what set it off."

"I don't really want to talk about it, Kaidan," she said quietly.

"Go get cleaned up. You stink," he said and placed a kiss on her nose.

She scrunched up her nose at him. "You're such a sweet-talker."

Kaidan chuckled and rang for the nurse. Once she'd arrived he left to get them some food.

When Kaidan came back with dinner Shepard was dressed and tying her shoe. She gave him an appreciative look as he started setting out the food on the small table in front of the window. Slowly she made her way over and they ate while making small talk.

With a quiet sigh Kaidan looked at Shepard and broached the topic. "What set you off?" He asked softly.

"Kaidan," Shepard groaned with more than a hint of irritation.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me. You know I'm right, so what set you off when you had the panic attack?" Kaidan asked as he leaned his elbows on the table.

Shepard grimaced at the term, but didn't comment on it. She gave Kaidan a steady look. "There were guards stationed at the elevator and every corridor. It made me nervous." She placed her elbows on the table and leveled an all business look at Kaidan. "What's going on?"

Kaidan sat back and scrubbed a hand threw his hair. "Things are bad out there. The violence and looting is getting worse. We've made a lot of headway in cleaning up, but things are still rough and people are having a hard time making ends meet." Kaidan looked at Shepard and she nodded her understanding, but she didn't shift her gaze. "Also, Liara's contacts have reported increased chatter from Cerberus."

"Cerberus?" Shepard asked in surprise. "But I thought the Illusive Man…" she trailed off as she thought about the situation.

"There's been no sign of the Illusive Man. Based on what he told us when we were on his base we think he was on the Citadel when the Reapers closed it and brought it to Earth. He's most likely dead." Kaidan explained. Shepard had always insisted that her crew give her the facts straight and without sugar-coating and Kaidan did the same thing with her now.

"Along with everyone else on the station," Shepard said sadly. "What is Cerberus up to?"

"We're not sure. There appear to be several small cells on Earth and without the Illusive Man there's a vacuum. Liara thinks a few of the cell leaders are vying for control. There have been communications talking about attacking Alliance teams and how to gain a foothold in the forming political arenas." Kaidan looked at her uncertainly. "They've also been trying to get information on you."

"Me?" Shepard asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Officially you're still listed as Missing in Action-Presumed Dead. You're under an assumed name here and only a handful of people know who you really are, but there have been rumors that you're alive."

"Why would the remnants of Cerberus be looking for me?" Shepard asked in confusion.

"They blame you for stopping the Illusive Man's plans," Kaidan started.

"That's true enough," Shepard said with a smile of satisfaction.

Kaidan grinned back at her. "Liara thinks that the ones trying to take control of what's left of the organization see you as a way to do that."

Shepard considered that information for a moment. "Yeah. Capture or kill the main reason Cerberus is in ruins and you gain enough respect and power to take over."

Kaidan watched Shepard closely. "They aren't really a threat at this point, Em. Cerberus is in tatters and the Alliance has stepped up security."

Shepard's thoughtful expression turned to one of irritation. "You think telling me this will make me more paranoid, Kaidan?"

"I don't want to make your PTSD any worse," he said quietly.

"It won't. Now I have a concrete explanation for what's been going on and I know what the threat is. I think this helps, Kaidan." She said with conviction. Kaidan wished he could be as certain.


A few days later and Shepard still wasn't completely back to normal. She had been attending daily sessions with Dr. Kallestri since the episode, but she was still withdrawn and quiet. Shepard didn't talk about it again with him, but she was working hard on her physical therapy again.

The doctors had moved her release out a couple more weeks, which Shepard had taken hard. Kaidan was just as anxious to have her out of the hospital. He thought Shepard might do better in a less clinical environment, but the doctors wouldn't budge.

Kaidan and Shepard were sitting quietly in her room when Admiral Hackett came by to visit.

"Commander," Hackett greeted her warmly. "Major."

"Admiral," Shepard said and gave the older man a smile. Kaidan noticed the smile didn't seem to reach her eyes.

Hackett sat down at the small table with Shepard and Kaidan sat on his cot. Hackett studied Kaidan and Shepard with hooded eyes before speaking. "I'll just jump right to the heart of why I came to see you."

Shepard nodded in appreciation, but didn't interrupt the grizzled officer. "Shepard, you have the choice to medically retire if you want, but I'm hoping you still want to serve." Hackett said as he watched Shepard closely.

"I'm an Alliance Marine, Sir," she said and then more quietly, "it's all I know."

Hackett gave Kaidan a quick look that seemed full of concern, but quickly turned back to Shepard and continued. "You're a damn fine Marine and an intelligent and effective leader. That's what we're desperately short of right now."

Hackett paused but Shepard didn't reply. She simply turned her head and looked out the window.

"If you want to stay on active duty you'll be promoted and assigned here at HQ." Hackett said.

"Promoted," Shepard repeated, but Kaidan couldn't tell if it was a question or not. She seemed to say it with no inflection.

"You led five fleets into the battle for Earth. That's an Admiral's job and you certainly deserve the rank after all you've done the last four years."

"Promoted to Admiral?" Kaidan said in surprise. "That's awesome! Congratulations, Em," he said with a big smile and went over to hug her.

Shepard gave a small smile, but she didn't seem overly happy at the news.

"I need experienced people so I can populate a new Defense Council," Hackett said quietly. "You'd also have another position that would be full time, but your appointment to the Defense Council would be immediate. It'll be up to you if you want to go by Emelia Shepard or another name."

Shepard nodded and was silent as she thought about Hackett's words. Kaidan was concerned by her lack of emotion.

"What position would you be interested in having – if you stay?" Hackett asked as he leaned toward her.

Shepard took a moment before answering. "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it," Shepard said quietly. "What's the status of the 'N' program, Sir?"

Hackett smiled. "Currently it's on hold while we deal with getting Earth fixed. That would be a good fit for you, Shepard."

"We have a lot of new recruits," Shepard said with a wave toward the stack of data pads she'd been going through. "I've seen a few that seem like candidates for the program."

Hackett stood to leave. "Think it over, Shepard and let me know."

Kaidan and Shepard stood, too. "I will. Thank you, Admiral." She saluted him and then shook the hand he offered.

Kaidan saluted him and turned to Shepard. "I'll see the Admiral out."

Once they were outside the door Hackett paused and looked at Kaidan. "She's not doing well," he said sadly.

Kaidan sighed. "She's been pretty depressed, but she's dutifully following the doctor's orders and working on her physical therapy."

Hackett shook his head. "Dutifully?"

"Yeah, I know. I think this might help, though. Give her a purpose. Thank you, Admiral, for making the offer."

Hackett gave a grim smile. "It was legitimate. The Alliance needs Shepard and I hope she realizes that."

Kaidan watched Hackett walk away and ran a hand through his hair. He hoped she realized it, too.

Shepard sat in the room and looked at her reflection in the window as Kaidan walked out with the Admiral. She sighed sadly at what she saw. At least Hackett's offer would let her stay in the military. Still she was disappointed that he hadn't brought up the Normandy. She'd turn down the promotion if she could get back on her ship.

She heard Kaidan come back in, but didn't turn around. "A desk job," she said with derision.

Kaidan walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. He rubbed her gently. "It's a natural part of getting promoted. Even if you weren't injured you would've been promoted after all you've accomplished."

Shepard struggled to keep her irritation in check. Kaidan was right, but she felt slighted. "Captain usually follows Commander. I should get a ship not Admiral's bars."

Kaidan sighed and moved around and squatted in front of her. "You had the responsibility of Captain from the time Anderson gave you the Normandy. You've served in that position already they just didn't give you the rank. That wasn't fair. Hackett's trying to make things right and he needs Admirals. Good, smart Admirals to help get the fleet back together."

Shepard ran a hand along Kaidan's jaw. "I don't want it, Kaidan. I want the Normandy. I want…" she sighed and dropped her hand. She wanted to be what she had been before and she knew that couldn't happen.

Kaidan raised her hand and kissed it. "I know, Em," he said quietly. He stayed there for a moment stroking her hand and then suddenly got to his feet.

"I have a full evening planned for us," He said with a hint of a grin. "Why don't you rest up while I finish getting everything together?"

Shepard sighed. "What plans?" she asked morosely. "I don't feel like doing anything."

"It's a surprise and I think you'll enjoy it," he kissed her cheek. "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Shepard watched him bound out of the room and couldn't suppress a small smile. She couldn't imagine what he had planned, but his enthusiasm was wonderful to see. It was also contagious. She leaned back in her chair and looked out the window as she felt curiosity push away some of her depression. "I love that man," she whispered to the view.