The word 'Liv' in the song is supposed to be without the E in the places I've put it, I thought it worked well.
Chapter Nine – You're My Best Friend
Olivia nervously sat on the couch at Nick's house. Abuelita was busying herself making a grocery list in the kitchen so that she could make herself scarce as today Elliot was coming by.
When Olivia had agreed to meet with Elliot she had never imagined it being this nerve-wracking. Nick had offered to be there for her but instead she'd invited Elliot around for the afternoon so that Nick would arrive home possibly with Elliot still there.
Just leaving Queens was Elliot. He was terrified that he would get to the city and Olivia would just berate him and then tell him to leave but from what he could gather from Cragen she was giving him a chance to explain himself and from what the Captain had said she needed him just as much too before she made some sort of mistake that could ruin her career.
That, he didn't understand. Cragen hadn't said anything about anything really just 'Olivia needs you just as much Elliot, she's close to ruining the only thing that she has left' and Elliot knew at once he meant her career. He just didn't know what she could possibly be doing that was so bad Cragen would consider sacking her or IAB or 1PP for that matter.
When he finally pulled up outside Nick's house he gingerly knocked on the door. He wasn't surprised to see Nick's mom greeting him and ushering him inside.
"Kettle's boiled, don't walk too much around too much it's still early days, I'm on my cell phone if you need me or Nick will be home in an hour. Behave Chica." Abuelita said hurriedly to Nick.
"Have a nice afternoon with Zara Abuelita." Olivia smiled as the older woman kissed the Detective's cheek before hurrying off out the door.
"Coffee?" Olivia asked pushing herself slowly off the couch.
"Should you really be up and about?" Elliot asked awkwardly.
"Yes." Olivia smiled. "It's been nine days since I've been home Elliot I go back to work the desk in five days." She didn't want things to be awkward but she had to admit she wasn't going to just drop everything and forgive him.
"Coffee sounds nice." Elliot smiled following her through to the kitchen, she was being polite if not kind and that had to be a step in the right direction.
Once the coffee was made they both made their way into the living room and sat back down, Elliot knew this was his chance, that he had to explain but his shrink had also told him he had to listen to Olivia, to really let her give her side of the argument to and he had to embrace it and try to somehow accept it… even if he didn't like it.
"So." Olivia said pointedly, it was obvious she wanted to get this over and done with.
"How are you?" Elliot asked and Olivia rolled her eyes at him.
"I'm fine Elliot but we both know you're not here to check up on me since I was shot, this is the only chance I'm giving you so get it over with." She snapped and Elliot sucked in some air, hearing her snap at him like that was like a punch in the chest.
"Ok." He nodded. "Why don't you start?" He suggested because he really didn't know where to begin.
"Me start? You're the one who disappeared, you're the one who left without a word Elliot, so no I will not start." She hissed and Elliot just nodded gingerly and looked into his coffee.
"Ok." He said again. "So I should begin by telling you what happened after I left the station on the night I shot Jenna."
Ooh you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooh you make me live now honey
Ooh you make me live
"That would be a good place to start." Olivia said and it was obvious that she was just being encouraging, being the best friend he'd lost all those months before.
"Ok, well when I left the station Liv… I lost it… completely lost it. I went home and I saw Lizzie sitting on the couch reading Eli a story and I lost it… the girl was the same age as my twins Liv…" He sighed and took a deep breath and Olivia took the moment to really study him, she could see how much he seemed to have aged in the past year, retirement didn't look so good on him.
"Ok." She whispered seeing he wasn't carrying on.
"I broke down." He said awkwardly, Elliot Stabler hated admitting weakness.
"I can imagine." She said softly.
"No." He shook his head. "No you can't imagine Liv." He told her and she just shut her mouth, letting him speak.
"Kathy called a Doctor, who called a shrink who…" Elliot shut his mouth and looked at the floor embarrassed.
"Who?" Olivia encouraged.
"Who called an ambulance." He said and the shame flickered across his wrinkling face.
"Why?" Olivia asked not caring about allowing him to take his time with this story.
"I lost it." Elliot shrugged.
"But why an ambulance?" Olivia asked feeling really confused.
"I don't remember this, it's just what I've been told but apparently I kept saying I should end it, end it all, and that everyone would be better off without me." Elliot said his eyes closed, his face red with absolute shame.
"El…" Olivia whispered her throat hoarse from a sob that echoed to call out but she wasn't going to allow it through.
"I was committed straight into the psych ward at Saint Catharine's." He told her ignoring her small cry. "It was the best thing for me at the time, Kathy and the kids… they didn't deserve to see that."
"Why didn't you call me?" She asked feeling so hurt.
"I didn't want you to know, you of all people didn't deserve to see me like that."
You're the best friend
That I ever had
"El…"
"Listen Liv." He said cutting her off. "I was damaged… badly damaged and lost and I didn't know if I'd ever make it out of the mess I'd gotten lost in and I didn't want you to ever see me or remember me like that, I wanted you to remember me as your best friend. The man I had been for twelve years by your side…
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend
… It was horrible Olivia, I won't lie to you, I was in such a dark place and had I not given my weapon over to IAB… I wouldn't have even made it home that night, I almost drove to Brooklyn Bridge so I could drive into the water but drowning never appealed to me …
Ooh you make me live
… The whole way back to Queens, I thought I needed to say goodbye to my family first, then I would take my off duty and drive back to Manhattan and…
I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
… and say goodbye to you… you deserved that much at least… but I couldn't … I didn't even make it into the bedroom to get the gun before I broke down…
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl
I'm happy at home (Happy at home)
You're my best friend
… I was to broken, to damaged, to lost for you to be able to see me like that. In the ambulance I told Kathy not to tell you, I made her promise not to tell you, not to call you or anyone else at the precinct…"
"Did Cragen know?" Olivia asked.
"Not till after I heard about you being shot, I had to tell him Liv, he was screaming at me, asking me if I knew what I'd done to you, how close he'd come to losing you too… it killed me to hear how lost you'd been Liv and when you rejected me in the hospital I realised I did the wrong thing…
Ooh you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
… you'd always been there for me Liv, always doesn't matter what had happened and I should have had you by my side when all this was happening, you understood more what I had done, you'd been there by my side when I fired that weapon…" His voice was a hoarse whisper and Olivia placed her mug down and climbed off the couch and onto her knees, crawling awkwardly to be in front of Elliot.
I got you to help me forgive
Ooh you make me live now honey
Ooh you make me live
"How long were you there?" Olivia asked.
"Eight months, I've not long been home Olivia and I'm still a broken man… I'm not the same man I was before…"
"I can see that." She whispered. "But El…I was your best friend and you left me, even a message or a phone call letting me know you were ok…"
"But I wasn't ok Liv, can't you see that, can't you comprehend that I couldn't lie to you!" He was yelling now and Olivia closed her eyes and managed to clamber to her feet.
"Did it even cross your mind to wonder if I was ok?" She asked poignantly.
"Of course it did Liv, every minute of every day I wondered how you were, what you were doing but when I talked to the shrink he thought I shouldn't contact you yet because you were a reminder of the trauma, you had been there, you'd witnessed me kill someone and if I'm honest knowing you'd seen me pull the trigger hurt too… I thought you'd hate me and think me a murderer." He tried desperately to explain.
You're the first one
When things turn out bad
"How have you been since?" Olivia asked and Elliot looked up at her guessing she didn't want to know any more about his stay in a psych ward.
"Ok." He shrugged.
"You've been home three months." She said. "Why didn't you let me know sooner?"
"The longer it became the harder it was." He admitted. "I thought you'd hate me by now."
"I do." She said. "You hurt me Elliot, you're the only person I've ever let in and you hurt me."
"I know." He nodded.
You'll know I'll never be lonely
You're the only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend
"I'm sorry." Olivia said wiping a tear that had made its way down her cheek.
"Why are you apologising?" He asked.
"Because I can't forgive you." She whispered with more tears prominent in her eyes.
"Olivia…" Elliot felt his world shatter around him.
"I loved you." She whispered.
"I'm married…"
"I know that, loved Elliot, past tense." She said unable to meet his gaze.
Ooh you make me live
"Ok." He nodded unsure what else to say.
"I didn't want to and I never acted on those feelings, I'd rather have you as a best friend than not have you at all." She said.
"I guessed." He nodded, her words still echoing in the same. "You're my best friend."
"I know." She nodded.
Liv
Liv
Liv
I'm happy at home (Happy at home)
Nick arrived just in time. He walked into the house with a smile on his face, walked straight up to Olivia and kissed her lips making her smile and it was then Elliot realised what Cragen had meant.
"Liv." He whispered and she and Nick looked at him.
"What?"
"You can't." He said.
"Can't what?" She asked with a frown.
"Be with him." Elliot said nodding his head towards Nick.
"I can be with who I want!" Olivia snapped.
"No. Cragen, when you became the first female lead Detective at SVU, he signed a contract with IAB stating that if it ever was found that you had a sexual or romantic relationship with any other male detective that he would have to transfer you out."
"What?" She asked in shock.
"He told me to keep an eye on you, all those years ago, he told me to watch you and make sure it didn't happen." He said visibly saddened.
"El…"
"Break if off now before either one of you get's hurt." Elliot said and Olivia leant into Nick.
"I think that's your answer Stabler, leave now and I find out you breathed a word to Cragen before we figure this thing out, I'll hunt you down."
Elliot looked from Nick to Olivia who was nodding in agreement weakly and got to his feet.
"Bye." He said visibly hurt as he turned on his heels and left leaving two detectives with a lot to think about.
You're my best friend
You're my best friend
Ooh you make me live
Ooh you're my best friend
