Chapter 9
Not ten minutes later, Maura pulled up to the crime scene, hot and bothered as well as nervous and just overall on edge. Coffees in one hand, her bag in the other, she took a deep breath before actually walking over. She nodded curtly to the officer at the entrance, smiling as he lifted the tape for her.
She almost felt like she fit in.
As she approached the slew of detectives, she noticed, with resounding relief, that none of them were sporting their usual coffee. She neared, and the sound of her heels betrayed her, all three of them turning around.
Their eyes lit up at the refreshing sight of both Maura and their ultimate savior, caffeine.
"Ya didn't have to, Maura!" Frost exclaimed, but didn't decline the drink she handed him.
Korsak and Riley nodded their agreement, taking a few seconds to enjoy the first sip. Maura slipped on her gloves in the meantime, crouching down by the body of a young girl, no more than twenty. The detectives watched her in silence for a few minutes before Korsak spoke up.
"So…" he started.
Maura looked up at him, but did not stand up, expecting him to discuss their findings with her.
"Dr. Isles was on a different kinda call."
Her mouth dropped open slightly in shock, a warmth flooding her cheeks as she snapped it closed, her teeth audibly knocking together.
"Oh, really?" Frost asked, his tone clear that he was exaggerating his interest, simply to further fluster the M.E. "Was it, by chance, a booty call?"
She stood up quickly.
"I-I was…I might…But…"
She didn't know what to say.
"Maybe!" she finally forced out, her blush deepening.
"She sounded fine lemme tell ya," Korsak laughed.
Maura's mind was on overdrive, working to gauge each detective's reaction. Korsak's half-smile and glint in his eye told her that her sexual preference meant almost nothing to him. It told her he would talk to her about sex as he would with any other man. Frost looked to be about the same, but the slight humor in his eyes also told her she was in for shameless teasing. Riley's face showed that of genuine shock, fusing quickly to something of an almost accepting relief. Maura would recognize that anywhere. Realized misinterpretation.
Grateful realized misinterpretation.
Apparently Riley had assumed her to be straight, but instead of it being a neutral realization like the guys, she seemed…more okay with a gay Maura than a straight one.
Why?
But then Riley's took a sip of coffee, masking her emotions behind the cup.
"She?" Frost asked, his grin growing.
"Mhm," Korsak nodded.
"I…Yes. Someone was there," Maura tried.
"But…Dr. Isles!" Frost said, feigning innocence in his lead-up, "I seem to recall you live alone."
"I-I…do," Maura mumbled. "Could we…maybe discuss the case?"
"Oh, no," Korsak laughed, "You're not getting out of this. Who is she? One-nighter?"
Maura was too flustered to call the guys out on their possibly disrespectful behavior, bowing her head and trying not to look at them.
"Not exactly," she offered, trying to walk away, her shyness once again overpowering her will to try and tease back casually.
Frost must have sensed this, because he caught her arm, and she looked back at him.
"We didn't mean anything by it, Dr. Isles," he tried.
She gave him a forced smile, trying not to shrug off his touch.
"I know," she said quietly, trying to soften her smile.
Still, Frost did not look convinced.
"Come to the Robber with us later," Korsak jumped in.
"Oh…I couldn't."
She looked at Korsak, and the twinge of sadness she saw in his eyes made her want to at least give an excuse.
"I want to get a head start on the autopsy, give you something to start with in the morning."
Riley shrugged as if it was nothing.
"We still have to process the scene. We'd probably be done 'round the same time."
Maura worried her lip between her teeth, looking back and forth between the detectives' faces.
"I'll try to make it," she said quickly, pushing past the detectives to head back to her car.
The second she was in the safety of her car, she let her panic wash over her. Her hands shook as she tried to fit the key into the ignition, and after finally succeeding, she drove off, breathing deeply to try and fend off her impending panic attack.
She couldn't go.
No way.
She couldn't.
Could she?
Jane sat at the arts table with other Actives staring down at her nearly blank page. Claire approached, sinking down to her knees beside the brunette.
"How are you, Jane?" she asked.
"Fine."
Jane's brush strokes increased in speed until almost all the page was covered in the black. Claire frowned.
"Mind if I see?"
She waited until she received the smallest of nods, then gently pulled the painting closer to her. In the small, barely there dot of white, she could make out the some numbers and letters.
V825.
She tried to hide her grimace.
That was when she realized she had addressed the woman as Jane.
And she had responded.
"Sweetie?" she asked carefully.
"Yes?"
"What's your name?"
"Juliet."
"Juliet what?"
"Just Juliet."
Claire stood slowly.
"Alright," she said hesitantly.
Topher didn't have to know about this.
Maura sat at her desk, staring down at her finished autopsy preliminary, including the toxicology report, noted trace evidence, and an external examination of the inflicted wounds. And she was looking for more to do. Any excuse.
Susie knocked lightly out of habit, and when she looked into the office, Maura caught the shock that flashed on her face in finding that Maura was still there.
"Dr. Isles? Didn't I hear you got invited to the Robber with the Detectives?"
Maura cleared her throat and stood, keeping the file clutched in her hand.
"Yes. Yes, I suppose I was," she said quietly. "But I don't think I'm going."
"But you have to!" Susie protested. "You just have to. They don't like us very much. But they-they're giving you an in, they're giving you an opportunity. You should take it."
Maura frowned. She already knew this; she just didn't know if she had the courage to go through with it. Instead of answering, she just took a step towards the door.
"It was nice seeing you Susie—Dr. Chang—Senior Criminalist Chang," she stumbled. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah." Susie said. "And Maura?...You can call me Susie," she said with a laugh. "I won't forget your authority. I promise."
Maura considered, slowly nodding.
"I'll hold you to that…Susie," she said, the smallest hint of a smile on the edges of her lips as she escaped into the hallway.
Maura sat in her car for a long time, still holding onto that stupid file. She was conflicted; she wanted to go, she really did. But she was afraid that going meant they'd see who she really was. As if they didn't already see who she was to begin with. Maybe they knew and they just didn't care. Or maybe they didn't know, and when they found out, they would hate her more than they did now. The idea petrified her.
Of all the things in the world she feared most, being an annoyance to someone was at the top of her list. She tried to fit it. She did, she really did. She tried to follow shortened language, body language. She tried to follow everything in hopes she could just blend into the background. Good God, she hated being noticed. She hated being a pain to someone, and yet it seemed to be what she was doing constantly. Putting someone off. Accidentally stepping in front of someone. For some reason she just couldn't do anything right when it came to interacting with another person. So that's really why she was afraid of people. She was afraid of what they thought of her.
Either way, Susie had been right. She needed to at least try and befriend these detectives.
She started her car and drove the few blocks very, very slowly to the Dirty Robber parking lot. She sat in that parking lot for a good deal longer, staring at the clock, hoping the bar would close. But of course it wouldn't close, it was only one o'clock in the morning. She still had a good hour, possibly two.
With a weary sigh, she killed her engine, slowly opening the car door and stepping out. Each step she took toward the front door felt like a direct blow to her heart. Like she was being punched repeatedly, until she was gasping for breath, her vision blurring at the edges.
She stopped at the front door, resting her weight against it as she tried to breathe, tried to think.
It's okay, she said to herself. It's OKAY.
But the words were still lies.
Just go in there. Have a few drinks with them. Then go home. Like Detective Korsak said, I don't even have to say anything.
Still. She couldn't force herself. And for the first time in a long time, she was actually angry with herself. She felt frustrated tears welling up in her eyes, burning as they fell. Why did she have to be so messed up? Why couldn't she just be normal? She just wanted to be normal.
She brushed the tears away as best she could, but with her shortness of breath, she was sure her face was red, swollen even. She snuck a glance through the window, catching sight of the detectives that had offered her the invitation. Riley had her head thrown back in an easy laugh, her one hands finding Frost's shoulder for support. He was chuckling too. The other detectives' faces, Maura could not see, but something caught their attention, as they all looked further into the bar.
Riley and Frost scooted down in the booth, making room for someone else. Korsak. Detective Korsak. Vince.
He slid onto the end seat, grinning at his coworkers before reclining back, beer held loosely in one hand. Even Maura didn't know what it was that made him shift his gaze, but he glanced just for a moment out the window. Their eyes met. She knew how bad she looked. And as he looked at her, he gave her nothing. No indication. No signal to come in. No signal to leave. No signal that it was alright. Just…a sad looking smile, like he already knew she was going to leave anyway, before turning back to Riley and joining in the conversation.
She was both half hurt and half grateful. Because had he waved her in, she would have felt obligated, even in her pitiful looking state, to go in. But still. He hadn't really wanted her there. Or maybe he did. She really didn't know.
She didn't feel like she was enough for these people. And with tears still in her eyes, she went back to her car and drove straight to the Dollhouse. She didn't bother calling. She didn't bother doing anything, she just needed help.
And, still crying, more like sobbing hysterically, she found her way down to the Dollhouse elevator and straight into DeWitt's office. The woman appeared, her hair slightly damp from a shower she had probably just taken.
She frowned and walked over carefully, putting a hand on Maura's shoulder.
"Come on, sit down, Maura," she said.
She didn't say it was going to be alright. She didn't know. She just knew Maura needed to calm down.
"I-I-I need someone," Maura stuttered out, trying to stem her tears.
But once she managed to rein them in for a few seconds, the next wave just collapsed down around her, stronger, her body shaking. Adelle handed her a tissue.
"I'm not giving you an Active," she said sternly.
"W-why not?" Maura mumbled, wiping her eyes, with no success.
"Because. You need a real person. I'm a real person; You can talk to me."
"B-b-but, Adelle—"
"Don't argue with me. You know it, okay? I'm not going to judge you, dear."
"I just…I-I am so alone," Maura tried.
Adelle didn't say anything right away. She just nodded.
"Well yes, dear. You've been alone all your life. That's not it."
"I know." Maura said quietly. "I…I don't…I both love it, and I…I'm afraid I'll be that way for the rest of my life."
Maura took in a shaky breath, letting it out slowly, not speaking until she was sure her crying was done.
"I want to learn how to be with people," Maura tried. "But I don't know how. So…It just…hurts. It hurts just as much to be with people as…as it does to be alone, but I want it. I want….love. I want…responsibility for someone. To someone. I just…want what everybody talks about." She smiled sadly. "I want friends and I want family and I want someone who loves me. But I just can't seem to make myself…make friends. And I know people aren't just going to be thrown at me, but that's…how I wish it was. I just don't…I don't know how to do it…"
Adelle let her finish, and allowed a silence to pass over them, even if only for a little bit.
"Maura…do you know why I started working at the Dollhouse?"
The honey-blonde shook her head, wiping her eyes with a fresh tissue.
"For all the reasons you just said," Adelle laughed. "I wanted to be responsible for someone. And these…these people, these Actives, they became my responsibility. My staff…became my family. I will protect them until the day I die. Some people might laugh and say what the Dollhouse gives isn't real. But they don't know. If they understood what true love was, then they wouldn't be saying that. You might be scared, but you're…taking steps. You're trying. You're interacting with these Actives like they're regular people and they are regular people, you're interacting with me. And I know you're scared because you have to do the same in your personal life and how it's different because we, me and the Actives, are detached. You aren't stuck with us permanently. But you have to trust that you can find your way, because you, Maura Isles, are brilliant. You are brilliant. There is not a damn thing that you won't be able to figure out in your lifetime."
"You don't know that," Maura mumbled.
"Oh, yes I do," Adelle laughed harshly. "I know that for a fact. You just have to try. You have to let yourself feel. But why should you listen to me? Because." Another bitter laugh. "Take it from a woman who never did, and lost her chance. Now she's Queen of Make-Believe-World. There's someone out there for you. There is someone out there who is made for you. You just have to look harder. And Maura. If you ever need anything, you can always talk to me."
Maura nodded.
"Can…can I stay here for the night?" she asked quietly.
Adelle smiled and nodded.
"Yes. Yeah, Maura. Yeah, you can. How about you take that couch and I'll take this one."
"Oh, no," Maura protested. "You've got a bed. Go!"
"I've also got a couch," Adelle said stubbornly. "Now sit."
Maura smiled gratefully at the woman, who disappeared for a moment only to return with blankets. She accepted one and sprawled herself out, closing her eyes and relaxing.
"Hi!"
Maura jolted awake at the perky female voice.
"Topher," Adelle admonished from somewhere in the vicinity of her desk. "What did I tell you about bringing Actives up here?"
Rubbing her eyes, Maura sat up to come nose to nose with that stunning brunette.
"Well, I needed to talk to you…about her. I figured she should…be here," she heard Topher say somewhere behind her.
She wasn't listening to him anymore, though. All her attention was focused on the woman so close to her. Eventually, the brunette sat up straight, giving a respectable distance between them.
"I'm Juliet."
Maura sat up a little straighter.
"Maura," she said.
"You're really pretty."
She was sure she looked horrible: day old makeup, mussed bed head, wrinkled clothes.
"Thank you," she said anyway.
For a moment, the woman didn't say anything. She looked distracted, but then her gaze finally looked at Maura instead of simply looking.
"Do I know you?"
She seemed blissfully unaware of Maura's discomfort, her eyes unabashedly taking in her appearance. Maura felt like those eyes could see every molecule of her being. It scared her.
"No. I don't think so."
"Maura…Maura, Maura, Maura, Maura…Maura."
The name drifted away from her lips, dissolving into the air around them as she thought, but unlike a normal person, the brunette did not let her eyes wander with her thoughts. Her gaze stayed perfectly still and intense on Maura's face.
"I know you," she insisted.
"Sorry…" Maura offered half-heartedly.
Jane's brow creased in concentration as she carefully extended her hand, pressing it slowly to Maura's shoulder. For a second, that's all she did, her palm pressed to Maura's skin, but the next second, she jerked away, as if burned, her sharp intake of breath heavy with a lustful release. Her eyes widened, but instead of her pupils constricting with the increase of light, they darkened, her mouth open in the smallest 'o'.
Maura didn't know what the woman saw, but recognition was definitely swimming in her eyes. She certainly remembered more skin than Maura's clothes were allowing her eyes to see.
"I..I do," Jane said, more to herself. "But…why…why say I…didn't?"
Maura's brow furrowed as she considered how to explain. The woman in front of her, whom she had seen in so many capacities, now sounded like a child. Simple sentences and overenthusiastic giddiness. Her eyes sparkled just a little brighter, unhindered by past horrors. Maura didn't want to ruin that.
"I…I wasn't sure if you…did," Maura said honestly.
The crease in Jane's brow deepened, and she gently reached for Maura's arm again, stroking it lightly.
"She remembers you too," she said quietly, her eyes flitting to the arguing Topher and Adelle before looking straight into Maura's eyes.
"Who?" Maura asked.
Jane frowned, as if offended Maura didn't understand.
"Her," she said firmly, pointing to her chest, tapping her sternum. "Her. You met her. Sometimes, I can't protect her like I'm supposed to. Sometimes, she's just stronger than me, and you're there. You see her, but…you don't…You don't see her."
The brunette paused, leaning in a little closer, her eyes never leaving Maura's.
"She sees you."
Staring deep into the woman's eyes, Maura almost understood. She saw the child so obvious and radiant in the forefront, and then somewhere deeper, swirled and diluted in the dark brown, she saw hints of someone petrified. Contradictory, paradoxical, but definitely there.
"Who?" she repeated. Who was this woman? Who was either of these women? Was Juliet, the wiped, Tabula Rasa state a person too? Was she as present as the previous resident? And who was that?
"Shhh," Jane whispered, closing their minimal distance in a fierce kiss, her hands tangling in Maura's already tragic hair.
It was so abrupt, Maura couldn't respond. She just sat frozen, feeling those soft lips on hers, until they weren't there anymore. She blinked, met with the sight of Topher, his arms wrapped around Jane, physically holding the woman from Maura. She was kicking and whining and almost crying, and Adelle was already at Maura's side, hand on her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," Adelle said, "Something's wrong with her. We've been trying to get the right kind of wiping process on her, but someone always resurfaces, be it her Tabula Rasa or even J—" She caught herself. "The resident herself."
"How does that work?" Maura asked, her curiosity piqued.
"Sometimes, when the initial transfer process occurs, a piece of him or her stays within their body, deeper than we usually need to go. Because that piece, that small, miniscule piece stays behind, the person can rebuild themselves back in their own bodies. All they need is a piece, and it's like they never left. So, when we see that occurring, we dig deeper, to find the piece we left behind, but this woman…this woman is so engrained in herself, we…we can't seem to take her away."
Maura nodded slowly. She thought she understood.
"Will she be…okay?"
"Oh, yes," Adelle assured. "Five years' time, Topher will re-imprint the original woman, and she'll be fine. Better than she was."
Off Maura's hesitant look, she squeezed her shoulder tighter.
"I promise. And you can still go on engagements with her. It just means we have to keep an extra watchful eye on her."
Maura looked at Adelle for a long second, then looked to Jane, who wasn't fighting much anymore, just sort of hanging loosely in Topher's hold. Their eyes met, and Jane gave the smallest smile, followed by a quick wink, and Maura blushed.
She didn't know why.
