Before I start, I'd like to thank everyone who has read and reviewed so far. I've never had anyone enjoy my attempts at being funny before, so I really appreciate it. Another story will follow this one, which will also feature (Smart) Link and Zelda, as well as Sarcastic Ganondorf.
Ganondorf floundered in the darkness. For some reason his magic refused to work, and though he liked dark places, he also liked being able to see where he was going. He couldn't even see his hand in front of his face, and he couldn't hear any of the others.
"Ow!" He smacked face-first in front of a wall, but could feel it give slightly. He balled his fist and in a fit of temper punched the wall. Squinting against the light blinding him from the outside, he tore the wall open and stepped into a large bedroom in Hyrule Castle…the stupid one.
"How in Din's name did I get here?" He asked no one in particular.
"Dearest!" he heard Stupid Zelda's voice come from the other side of a door at the end of the room. Before he could say anything, she opened the door and stepped inside, wearing a long white dress and veil, and accompanied by the King. "For goodness' sake…the wedding's going to start soon, and you're still in your pajamas!"
"What?" Ganondorf looked down at himself.
Yellow ducky pajamas. With fluffy bedroom slippers.
He stood silently for several moments, then muttered, "Well, I have to give Mr. Piggy credit. This is pretty scary."
"Hurry up and get dressed!" the King urged, pointing to a large tuxedo complete with bow tie.
"No. Where are my real clothes?" Ganondorf demanded, yanking open an armoire.
"Just be a good boy and put on the tux, okay? It's just for today," Stupid Zelda urged.
His temper rising again, Ganondorf stood in the middle of the room with fists clenched. "All right, if this is one of Mr. Piggy's hallucinations, it shouldn't matter if I completely reduce this place to dust."
"Hurry up," Stupid Zelda whined, stomping her foot. "The caterers are only going to stay so long, and everybody's waiting, and when we dance…"
With a roar, Ganondorf unleashed a massive amount of dark energy, swallowing everything within fifty feet of him. The hallucination shattered like glass, and he found himself standing on what looked like an abandoned stage. Still wearing the pajamas.
I don't care what Zelda says, he thought to himself. Once I find that pig, I'm gonna have me a barbeque roast…
He heard yells and panting off to his left. To his surprise, he watched Smart Link come barreling down a corridor of many, many doors. Smart Link's tunic had been ripped, burnt, and torn, and he appeared to have scratch marks all over his face.
Smart Link stopped short when he caught sight of Ganondorf, then grimaced and raised his hands. "Jeez, Ganondorf…that outfit leaves nothing to the imagination…"
The warlord frowned like a thundercloud. "I didn't choose this, as I'm sure you didn't choose what happened to you…uh, you've still got a little flame on your back there…"
Link slapped it out, scowling. "I got attacked by a mess of Cuccos who threw me into boiling lava. Sound familiar?"
"Yeah. Not only is Mr. Piggy stupid, he's unoriginal too. But how in Hyrule did he know what we were talking about?"
"I CAN SEE ALL!!!" A reverberating voice echoed throughout the hallway. "Fear me, for I am Ganon, holder of the Triforce of Power! You have scorned me, and now you will suffer the consequences. I am here beside you! I am everywhere at once!"
Ganondorf squinted at the walls and ceiling. "What do you want to bet that he's got one of those magic crystal balls…"
"Oh yeah, I know what you mean…" Link smiled slightly. "The kind that somehow always points toward the hero, so the hero can mock him no matter what way he's facing?"
The two grinned at each other in a rare moment of solidarity, then launched into a series of grotesque faces and taunts.
"Hey! HEY!!" Ganon's whiny voice sounded even sillier with the reverb. "You don't taunt me…I taunt you! Stop that! Stoppit!"
A door at the end of the hallway opened, and Smart Zelda stepped out, slamming it behind her. "Finally." She stared at the pair pulling faces. "What are you two doing?"
They stopped short, embarrassed. "Just giving Ganon a taste of his own medicine," Smart Link told her.
"You look unscathed," Ganondorf noted. "Did he forget about you or something?"
"No, it just wasn't very scary," she answered. "My hallucination was that he took over Hyrule…but he doesn't know our Hyrule, so he had to substitute his…and he isn't very scary himself either…"
"I am SOscary!" the reverb voice snapped. "Ganondorf said so!"
Zelda looked at Ganondorf's jammies. "I can see why he said that. Well, I suppose you could call it scary if you're being sarcastic…the Moblins got all the best government jobs, Ganon had a big gold statue of himself that rotated to face the sun…"
"We get the idea." Ganondorf stepped up to one of the doors. "I suppose the others have to be inside one of these?" He opened it and a banana cream pie smacked him in the face.
The other two watched uneasily as he wiped it off his face, the angry aura growing again. "Okay, you two, you need to help me, because if I don't get out of here real soon, I'm gonna make this whole place go boom…"
-&-
"Zelda! Zeldaaaa! Other Link! Where are you?" Stupid Link ran around yelling in the dark (with the occasional "Ganondorf!" thrown in).
Spryte popped out of his hat. "C'mon, there has to be a way out of here. I'll light the way!"
He ran forward with Spryte in front of him, but all she illuminated was more emptiness. Finally, they reached a door. Stupid Link opened it, and found himself in one of the lower corridors of Hyrule Castle. "Hey, we're home! I wonder where the others are?"
The two of them raced through the halls. Finally they saw the King standing in the main front chamber of the castle. "Ah, you're here! You're just in time. We can't start the crowning of the new Prince of Hyrule without you!"
"Oh? Well, of course not!" Stupid Link swelled with pride. "I knew he'd come to his senses someday," he added as an aside to Spryte.
"Uh, Link…" Spryte began.
"The ceremony's about to start," the King informed them. "Go up to the small room next to the throne room and get dressed."
Link raced up the stairs. Once inside the dressing room, he picked up a very frilly looking man's collar, pants, and suit. "You'd think they'd provide something a little more manly for Hyrule's greatest hero."
Spryte examined it a little closer. "Link, I don't think…"
"It's just for one day." He cut her off and changed clothes, then marched out the door.
The King caught him by the arm. "Whoa, there, young man. You can't go in there without this!" He pushed a golden crown on a pillow toward Link.
"Uh, you want me to put it on in here? Well, okay…" He reached out and started to pick it up. To his surprise, the King slapped his hand. "Boy, what do you think you're doing? Carry it in there, and for Hyrule's sake, don't drop it."
"Huh?" Stupid Link stared at him for a full minute, until the King physically turned him around and shoved him onto the throne room.
Trumpets blared, and Stupid Link walked unsteadily down the red carpet toward the two thrones. Stupid Zelda sat in one, decked out in regal finery. In the other sat another young man around Link's age…but he was taller, more physically fit, and…dare he say it…more handsome?"
"What's going on?" he hissed to Spryte.
"I don't know…let's ask Zelda…"
Stupid Link stopped at the bottom of the pedestal. "Zelda, what's going on? What's that dork doing in my seat?"
She scowled at him. "Watch how you address the Prince of Hyrule!"
Stupid Link's bottom lip trembled. "But…but…I thought I…"
"You?" Both Stupid Zelda and Handsome Guy laughed. "C'mon…you really thought…ha ha ha!"
Stupid Link fell to his knees, throwing down the crown and raising his hands to the ceiling. "NOOOO!!!!"
Suddenly he felt movement beneath him. He leaped aside and a trapdoor opened where he had just been standing. Ganondorf poked his head out of the floor. "I thought I heard something." He looked up at Stupid Link. "Get your butt down here and help us find Stupid Zelda."
Stupid Link looked around wildly. "You mean, none of this is real?"
Ganondorf put his hand to his temple in a show of pathos. "You've got a five-second memory, don't you? Just get down here."
He jumped down with Spryte on his shoulder and stared at the others in the hallway. "Wow…I'm afraid to ask…"
"Don't," said Ganondorf.
Smart Link motioned to his left. "I think this is the last door to check." Wailing and crying drifted softly from inside the door. Smart Link looked inside. "Uh…I think it's Stupid Zelda, but she looks…different…"
Stupid Zelda stood in a small room devoid of any furniture save for a mirror, crying profusely. She wore the same clothes, but except for that, her appearance had changed to that of a middle-aged Gerudo woman.
Ganondorf stared at her with an inexplicable expression. "Weird. She looks like my mother."
Hearing voices, Stupid Zelda turned around. "Don't look at me!" she screeched. "I'm hideous!"
Ganondorf stiffened, and Smart Link and Zelda instinctively moved away. "Did you just insult my mother?"
Stupid Link waved his hands in a frenzy. "She's upset, she doesn't know what she's saying." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Zelda, listen…no matter what you look like, you'll always be beautiful to me."
She sniffed. "Really?"
"Yes, really."
She broke down crying on his shoulder. Darn, he thought. I thought for sure that would lead to a kiss.
Smart Zelda cleared her throat. "Now that we're all together again, we should see if we can get out of here, so we can find Ganon and the Good Plot Device."
"Right!" Stupid Link drew his sword and rushed out of the room. "Onward!" He raced down the hall before slowing and turning around. "Uh, which way is out?"
Smart Link and Zelda sighed in unison. Ganondorf glanced around. "Smart Zelda, if you can create a shield to protect the others, I'll see if I can blast us out of here."
Zelda nodded, and the others huddled around her. She summoned the power of Nayru and surrounded them a blue protective light.
Ganondorf concentrated, channeling his rage and frustration in a corner of his mind. When the glowing ball of malevolent energy reached its peak, he let loose.
They all coughed and sputtered in the resulting dust cloud. As the debris cleared, they immediately saw results; all of them wore their normal clothes once more.
"I guess we're still in the temple somewhere," said Smart Link. "All we can do is keep going."
"Where do you suppose Ganon is?" Smart Zelda asked.
"Where he always is…at the end of the dungeon!" Stupid Link ran forward, the others following close behind.
