Title: God be Damned
Summary: Jimbo stops at the local church to get something off his chest.
Pairings: implied Jimbo/Ned
Disclaimer: I read this about 10 times, but I'm sure I missed some spelling mistakes.
Story Warnings: Jimbo discovering his pent up feelings.
Afternoons in South Park were normally filled with outrageous shenanigans involving the town and its people. Just yesterday the children were trying to protest against homework for what felt like the millionth time this month. But today was quiet. The cul-de-sac was alive with the sounds of the children playing together while the rest of the citizens enjoyed the cool day amongst the dozens of shops littering the streets of South Park.
It was like stepping back in time, driving down the uneven streets. No crazy riots, or outrageous monster trying to stomp down the town. Even for a town known for a piece of shit to rise up from the sewers and sing christmas carols, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. A few familiar faces greeted Jimbo as he drove by the grocery store in his worn down truck. Like any other small town, many of its residents knew one another by name. It was always fun to curse someone's name when they took too long at a red light.
But despite today's wonderful sunshine, Jimbo was on a mission to give the church a quick visit before heading home for the day.
Without the seats lined with women in their finest dresses and men in their Sunday vests, the inside of the St. Jude church felt much roomier without all the chatter from the townspeople. Normally there were a few drunken stragglers, confessing their sins and mistakes to father Maxi yet it was eerily silent. The echo of his heavy steps sent a chill up his own spine, the afternoon orange beams reflecting off the stain glass windows casting marvelous light shows on the tiled floor.
Jimbo took a seat near the rear of the building. The silence was almost overwhelming as his ears began to ring. Surely father Maxi was in the back room doing paperwork, Yet it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. A dusty old church was no place to spend a surprisingly warm afternoon up in the mountains.
Taking a steady breath, the large man removed his hat to pay his respects in the house of god.
Now, Jimbo Kern wasn't necessarily a huge believer of going to church. If you're a good person now, and pay your respects when necessarily you didn't need to go to church every Sunday was a code he lived by. Sure he and Ned would come every now and again and sometimes Jimbo chose to come on his own, much like today.
Religion was always a sensitive topic in a their small little town. Christianity was the widespread belief, save for a few others sprinkled in. Jimbo himself liked to believe their was something bigger than himself. Whether it was God, Jesus, Buddha, or some magic cat pulling the strings of fate.
Clutching his hat and clearing his dry throat, the man wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. Finding himself glancing to his left to the empty benches, Ned always prefered to sit by his left side.
Speaking of the older man, he chose to stay home today. Catching up on his crime shows instead of going to the bar to watch the game with their football buddies.
Jimbo caught himself a few times turning to joke with his best friend during the game, only to be met with confused glances from strangers.
It was such an odd sensation, the two men had their own lives outside the cabin they called home. Ned liked to have tea with Mrs. Cartman every now and again, while Jimbo went on solo hunting trips every winter. They needed their time apart every so often, so it wasn't an issue when Jimbo wasn't with Ned, or vise versa. But like idiots, their drinking buddies would tease him about why Ned wasn't at his side.
"How's it feel to be 100 pounds lighter without that sad sack stuck to your side?"
"Where's Tweedle Dee?"
"Are you guys fighting again? Lovers quarrel?"
But there lied the problem, Jimbo's problem. The whole reason he was in this shitty church in the first place.
Ned.
Ever since their service, Jimbo and Ned have been doing everything together and thriving. Now living comfortably in a homemade cabin, they didn't have to worry about their past. Afterall they made it through thick and thin, during Vietnam they leaned on one another for comfort, traded cigarettes and shared sleeping bag when the nights chilled them to the bone. Ned even sacrificed his arm to save Jimbo's life so many years ago.
And what friendship would be complete without dragging one another to bed when they were blackout drunk.
It was impossible not to be close after what the men had been through. Enduring more pain and suffering than anyone should ever have to in a lifetime, and they had the nightmares to prove it.
But somehow explaining his feelings was one of the most difficult tasks of his life. Especially considering Jimbo never cared to express his emotions and be seen as a wimp to his younger brother or any of the other men in South Park.
The only way he could explain it was a strange ache in his chest that burst into warmth whenever Ned was near.
It was never an issue to see or even talk to his buddy, Ned. So the ache never lasted too long. The guy was just down the hall. But the ache would return as soon as Ned was gone. All the while his mind would be focused on his best friend. What he might be making for dinner, if he heard about the new Taco Bell opening just out of town, or if the guy would like to watch Ghostbusters tonight.
The times he did spend with Ned were so comfortable he often forgot he wasn't the only one taking up space on the couch. Jimbo never feared the other man judging him, secrets were a thing of the past after nearly a lifetime of friendship. But that cozy warmth grew one day into an embarrassing heat.
Jimbo had seen Ned naked before, it was inevitable. In the Kern household it was completely normal for two men to walk about in their skivvies or just plain naked as the day they were born. Totally. Jimbo had to admit he was a little shy at first, while Ned would parade around like he owned the world. More power to the little guy.
It had been a chilly day that quickly became a mess. With the fireplace roaring, Jimbo flipped through the channels lazily as his body throbbed. They had just returned from a tiring hunting trip when the weather turned sour and neither men found the energy to shower away the dirt and sweat collected through the day. They simply changed into some comfy clothes and intended to watch some old movies before bed.
A little curious glance at his friends movement and Jimbo was caught like a butterfly in a net. Ned looked oddly different, not that he was freshly shaven or clean from a warm shower. Considering neither of them had the energy to do such a thing right now. No matter how hard he focused he couldn't pinpoint what exactly was different. He nearly asked if he got a haircut but quickly snapped his lips shut. How idiotic of him.
The strange warmth spread through his chest and made heat rise up to his chubby cheeks, he cursed the fire popping several feet away but he was still captivated by the way his friend moved. Quiet as a mouse since their war days. Ned was a string bean compared to Jimbo's rather enormous gut. But over the years Neds remaining arm has gained a definitive muscle lugging firewood and managing to handle guns without the aid of another arm. The larger man found his eyes roaming the other strong back and admiring Neds compact, yet obvious muscle definition.
As soon as the smaller man turned to speak through his voice box, Jimbo refused to acknowledge him while he paraded around the room looking for his cigarettes. A knot formed in his throat that refused to be swallowed while his palms sweat profusely, wiping them on the soft cushions beneath him.
Jimbo had turned away that night, focusing back on the flashing television. Feeling his cheeks burn in embarrassment and his chest tighten. He just looked Ned up and down like he was a piece of meat. It wasn't until a short time after did he realize exactly what he had done and grabbed his gun to shoot at anything that moved out back. A distraction from anything his mind might be trying to do, it worked. For the time being.
Despite it being an odd experience, It was nothing he really dwelled on, any new feelings were buried beneath years of affection he and his best friend displayed even in the darkest times when they finally broke down during the dark nights back in Vietnam.
There was no harm in appreciating another man's physique. Right?
Mrs. Tenorman unknowingly changed everything. (Bless her soul.)
Helping out Stan's little friend was just to pass along his hunting tips to the kids. Cartman explained it was to get back at the red haired teen for stealing his sixteen dollars. If he had known Eric's true intentions, Jimbo never would have helped the little shit.
One thing lead to another, and long story short, Spying on the Tenorman's lead to seeing Mrs. Tenorman without her bra. She did indeed have luscious breasts, and as soon as Ned saw. He immediately started jacking off.
And a strange knot in his belly had him snapping at him to stop. Jimbo was never a jealous man, actually, he never really had anything to be jealous for. Yet that day seeing Ned enjoying himself brought an uncomfortable sense bubbling in his belly.
It wasn't the fact Ned was jacking it in the bushes he decided. They had jerked off around one another a few times with some good porn. It didn't bother him in the least, yet with Ned's lip caught between his teeth and watching Mrs. Tenorman undress seemed to be the cause of the unwanted feeling.
As strange as it may sound, Ned was a charmer when it came to the ladies. Always respectful even if the situation turned sour.
He mulled over the feelings later that night. Unable to sleep as he tossed and turned. Why did he get so anger? His turmoil was answering to the silence of their cabin, crickets chirped relentlessly just outside the window, and Jimbo found himself questioning if Ned was asleep, and just how he slept in his single bed just a few doors down.
Perhaps it was jealousy, or maybe he was just homophobic all of a sudden. Seeing another man touch himself was considered gay right? What else could explain the churn in his belly watching Ned jack it in the Tenorman's front yard?
But that didn't make any damn sense considering he had seen Ned in more compromising positions than he would ever be willing to admit. He never felt the hot shot of rage in his veins like that before.
What disturbed the hunter the most was the longer he analyzed the situation, the more he caught little details. Like he didn't exactly stop Ned. Sure he might have snapped, but he didn't exactly take away the binoculars. It's not like Ned could have held them and touched himself at the same time. All he had to do was put his hand down, but he remained in place to let the other enjoy himself.
However, that was only one of the instances that had his insides burning.
The two men had recently taken to helping Ms. Cartman out with her rodent problem, in turn she baked them sweet treats. However it wouldn't be the first time he caught Ned getting a little too friendly with South Parks local whore.
Jimbo would be a hypocrite to say anything about the woman, after all he did sleep with her many years ago during the drunken barn dance. With no disrespect to a woman trying to provide for her boy, he has been so drunk he couldn't tell up from down, and regretted that drunken decision the moment he came to the next morning.
Yet, as he was hammering nails into the floorboard to replace the ruined chunks of wood those damn rat had gnawed through, catching sight of Ned giving her that charming smile as she offered him ice cold lemonade, a hot spike shot through his belly, let's just say the hammer missed the nail and made him howl louder than a wounded dog.
The larger man leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and entwining his fingers. With his head low, he began to speak to the silent church.
"Hey god, if ya'll up there gotta minute, I'd sure appreciate it." he started awkwardly, keeping his voice quiet in order to prevent an echo. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to know about this. He already felt his skin crawling at just the implication of his words. Yet a rush of excitement flooded him to finally speak what was on his mind for so long.
"First I'd like to say sorry for not praying all the time, or comin ta church every Sunday." he was met with more silence, after not being stricken down by lightning, he continued.
"But I've been feeling weird the past few months. Maybe longer, I ain't so sure." with his hat the only witness to his words, the overweight man took another deep breath. Ned always said he wasn't the most observant.
"Ned and I been best friends since nam' I can't think about how I'd still be here without him sleeping just down the hall."
"Jesus help me, I know I ask you for stupid shit, but this time I really need your help."
His voice shook, but cleared his throat to steady himself. "I'm real confused, I keep seein' him and getting this weird twist in my gut. 'S always when he's flirtin' with the woman 'round here." Now that he said it out loud it left a bad taste on his tongue.
"Whenever he's around, I'm comfortable as can be. I never really thought much about it. But now with Mrs. Tenorman gone, that night has haunted me since her funeral. I got so mad at my best friend for just enjoying himself. And ever since then I get this weird feeling everytime he's around."
"Ned's my best friend in the whole wide world, and I can't stand the thought suddenly being put off by him just cause he's trying ta score."
Sure they did argue on a few subjects every once in a blue moon, but no one ever stuck around long enough to get to know Jimbo like Ned had. They made it this far, and suddenly the thought of Ned finding a loving wife and moving away made his heart ache and brain short circuit. The overweight man squeezed his hat and grit his teeth at the terrifying thought of watching his best friend, his only true friend move away with a wife and kids in tow, leaving him behind to freeze in his god forsaken home town.
Suddenly his brain took a u-turn, desperately needing a distraction before hot angry tears could sting his eyes. What if Ned was gay? Or at least Bisexual. That was a thing right? Jimbo couldn't bring himself to care if Ned was either. The older man was still his best friend, and it wouldn't change anything. He would learn to accept his friend the way he was just like Ned but up with his lazy ways.
It was their bar buddies that would say something.
A door clicked, and Jimbo's lips melted togethers like hot wax. Father Maxi appeared from the back room, dressed in his normal black robes and collar. Maxi was one of the few people in South Park Jimbo had mixed feelings about. The man had several instances where he was caught in the act of not only adultery, but caught in a few graphic acts of homosexuality. How did anyone put their future in this man's hands? Maxi was supposed to be a messenger of god if the bible said anything.
The Bible did hold some horrible things he couldn't agree with. So he loosely accepted Christianity simply because the only ones he called family went to church. Knowing there was something watching over him made his already stumbling heart beat a little easier. Who else was he gonna beg for luck when his bets were coming in? Oprah?
So to have someone who's only job is to present the words of god, help those whose lives have become corrupt, and turn around and break dozens of rules almost pissed him off enough not to come to church anymore.
The Priest caught sight of him, and he greeted him from across the way, luckily didn't rush over to his spot. Damn his bright orange hunting shirt. Despite the overwhelming feeling to return his signature cap to his balding head, Jimbo let it sit limp by his side out of respect for the corrupt priest. For now.
"How are we today Jimbo? It's been awhile since I've seen you in church."
Awkwardly, the fatter man chuckled. Finally leaning back off his knees. "Me and Ned been busy fixin' up the cabin. Any of our free time nowadays goes to the bar and manning the shop."
Maxi gave a sickening smile, "Well be sure to stop by again soon, I'm sure you both could use your daily dose of Jesus Christ."
Ned didn't hate anyone honestly, he held a strong dislike and distrust of many but not necessarily hate. Yet Maxi was the exception he refused to speak with the man, confess, anything that had to do with his over all way of thinking. Another big reason the men hardly ever swung by the church anymore.
"What brings you here today? Did you need to confess your sins before you burn in the fiery depths of hell?"
Jimbo had to prevent himself from cringing, wringing his hands together nervously. Knowing Satan was miles beneath their feet put a knot in his throat. "Nah, not today. Just came to rant a bit. Skeeter's outta town otherwise I would just blabber to him down at the bar."
"Well I'm always here to listens to your confessions."
Jimbo again a resisted groan, he didn't actually want anyone to hear him. This whole stupid idea was just to get everything off his chest. He would have just babbled at the bar but everyone was busy with their families. Skeeter was even out of town. No one but the bartender that was quieter than a goddamn flea. At least Skeeter would have pretended to listen.
"Aw hell, it's nothing you have to hear Maxi, it's not really confessing I just got nobody to talk too."
The man gave a award winning smile "As far as I'm concerned you are also a friend, what's the matter?"
Jimbo resisted getting up and blew out a breath, already put off by the others persistence. "Ya know, uh, it's sorta hard to explain."
"I'm all ears!"
Now was not the time to scream, "Uh, I just got a close friend that I've known for while. We hang out regularly. And the other day I saw 'em with someone else and I got upset."
The man's eyes lit up and smiled widely, "Jimbo Kern having relationship trouble? Didn't even know you were seeing someone. You sly dog. Who is she?"
Taken aback by the complete misunderstanding, the hunter cleared his throat and decided not to correct the priest just in case something goes wrong.
"It's not like that, but I guess."
How quickly the man went from menacing provider of god to an everyday buddie was disturbing and making Jimbo uncomfortable the longer he sat still. Not considering the fact he automatically jumped to a relationship issue.
Jimbo gulped, tugging at the collar of his bright orange hunting shirt. The presence felt a little constricting with Maxi's eyes on him, and his tongue refused to correct him. Refusing to say it was Ned and not some secret lover.
"Oh you know, a gal from outta town. But that's not the point Maxi. It ain't like that, we're real close, but not dating 'er nothin. But we were hangin' out and h- she started getting friendly with some guy." thank god he didn't stutter along with words like an idiot. "I guess I was mad she wasn't hanging out with me. Ain't no big deal, honest."
He chuckled lightly, trying to play off the subject yet managed to convince himself of the same thing. That had to be it. He wasn't suddenly homophobic, he was just angry Ned's attention wasn't on him. How childish. They were together 24/7. It was stupid to get agitated for flirting with women.
Maxi's eyes were wide, his long fingers softly drumming against the thick binding to his bible. "Angry? It sounds to me as if you might have been jealous Jimbo. You saw her with another man, and got upset. You obviously have some pent up feelings for this little lady."
Jimbos heart leap to his throat, and he stuttered for a moment, catching the words scattering again his tongue. "I don't think that's possible father."
The man intertwined his hands protectively against the holy book set against his breast. "Jimbo, I've never seen you interested in another woman, maybe you should see how she feels. If you've been this close for so long perhaps she's developed feelings for you as well. The love of a woman is irreplaceable." the punctuation in his words sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
Jimbo clamped his mouth shut, unable to bring himself to look at father Maxi as what he could only describe as hot shame shot up his spin.
Oh god.
That was impossible, he couldn't be jealous that Ned was jacking it to Mrs. Tenorman. Physically incapable, non existent. Because that means he wanted Ned to look at him, and not a pair of soft breasts.
With his head in hands, Jimbo felt as if the walls grew eyes, judging his inner turmoil whilst the priest had no idea he wasn't actually talking about some beautiful woman who tickled Jimbo Kern's fancy.
A hand patted his back, and he jerked slightly, "My son, I'm not a counselor to aid you through a relationship, But it's worth a shot? Besides what's the worst that could happen?"
Exile, losing my best friend, losing my shop, being labeled a faggot.
Loosing Everything.
Jimbo forced a smile that barely curled the corners of his lips, jumping to his feet in a quick movement. "I'll think about it. Thanks, I guess."
"Be sure to-"
Jimbo didn't even bother to listen, his feet automatically taking him far away from the judging eyes of the statues and crosses. He hardly remembers the icy sidewalk or jumping into his truck until he found himself staring off into the distance as snow once again to fall from the sky in thick clumps.
Maxi was just crazy, there was no way in hell he was jealous of Ned giving those women attention. It doesn't work like that. He loved his best friend dearly, but not in a romantic way. There was no possible way those feelings were jealousy.
Sure, they did everything together, and he hoped to do more as the years wore on. Yet Jimbo's fingers turned white as he grasped the steering wheel of his hummer. There had to be a logical explanation.
He wasn't gay.
He wasn't.
Curling his hands into fists, Jimbo tossed his lucky hat to the passenger's seat before angrily pulling it back on his head. To be honest, Jimbo never thought about the future of their friendship. Never once did he think about getting married or moving out of South Park. Ned was his company, Ned made him happy. He always assumed they would grow old and sit on their front porch to shoot at the birds that passed by. Watch bad television, joke about the youth, polish their guns and just enjoy a self fulfilling life. There was that warm feelings again-
But.
What if Ned left.
What if he moved out and married a lovely lady?
What would he do?
Perhaps it was selfish, Jimbo never once considered Neds feelings on the matter. They had been together for so long, it was rather scary to imagine Ned moving out. But the more he pondered the more confused he became. After all these years, Jimbo never felt the urge to find a wife. Dating seemed to be a hassle and women already flagged him as the town redneck. Their loss, he was handsome. However the case was the same for Ned. His war buddy did flirt occasionally, but had no deeper intentions than to be polite. Sure Ned has been married, and he knew all the horror stories regarding the previous Ms. Braginsky. But neither of them had any girlfriends, no dates, nothing.
It was all so confusing, another reason he chose not to dwell on these strange feelings in the first place.
Bottling up his thoughts and feelings just came back to kick him in the face and have a round at his gut. No matter how hard he tried to shove the thought of Ned from his mind, he just appeared with that heart warming smile almost completely reserved for him while everyone else was used to the stoic, blank expression of the bearded man.
Holding his head in his hands, Jimbo squeezed his eyes shut till colors dance behind his lids. Heart racing in his chest, the man struggled between crying and punching a hole clear through his windshield. Jealous, he was jealous Ned wasn't flirting with him.
With a startled shout, Jimbo punched his steering wheel and finally let his emotions bubble to the surface. For once, he was happy to be alone.
