Author's note
All Mass Effect is the property of BioWare. Thin Ice belongs to Pink Floyd.
Once again we have Charlie sucking at uploading on time. Sorry guys. Also, this is another long chapter, but, for reasons that will become apparent, I couldn't divide it into two.
Please see chapter six for note re Kasuumi, who is finally making an appearance. Also, we get our first instance of the galaxy's longest joke (which I found five years ago on some website, I forget which).
I think it's fair to say that this chapter is probably the most controversial thing I have ever written (thus far). As a very sensitive topic is discussed and described, I want to remind everyone that every single person is unique and has a different opinion to your own. Whilst you might not agree with someone else's opinion, it is important to respect the opinions of others. Please respect each other.
This chapter contains trigger warnings for teenage pregnancy, termination of pregnancy and mental illness.
…..
Chapter eight: October to January: the idiot
My life continued pretty much like that for the next few months. I was a booty call for Admiral Hackett, who, it seemed had great stamina, as he was calling me up to his cabin nearly every night, and Joey was a booty call for me, who was very sweet, but who I felt bad for using like that, especially since he had professed his love to me. I didn't write to Kaidan, but I did get an email from him that was dated the day before the launch of omnigel, where he explained that Snixx would be playing his pretend girlfriend, but he still loved me more than anything. After that I got a small pang in my stomach whenever I thought of him. I pretended that it was nothing.
At the beginning of October Lin retired, and we had a small party that lasted most of the night and involved a lot of drinking (of fruit juice. Alcohol was not allowed on military ships. We still had fun.)
Zaeed started the speech making off. "Well, you were always a good partner to have, even though you did not let me see even one nipple," he said.
"And I still won't, even though it is my last day," Lin said. "I at least still believe in the sanctity of marriage."
"Didn't your wife just have your first child, Masaad?" Maya asked lightly (her hands moved lightly in any case).
"Shut up you crazy, white-haired, deaf bint," Zaeed said laughing. "The wife's naming her Amina."
"And what are you naming her?" Ismaeel asked.
"Another mouth to feed," Zaeed said.
"Well, Inshallah you'll have many more," Ismaeel said.
"I'll drink to that," Zaeed said, raising his glass of grape juice.
"I'll miss you, Ji," I said. "Your mission briefs were always impeccable. I always knew which batarian I was shooting at."
"Thank you ma'am," Lin said, bowing her head. She added something in an oriental language which I assumed was one of the Chinese languages.
"Uh," I said.
"Lieutenant Shepard isn't a proper Chinese," Nina laughed. "She just looks like a mutant one with blue eyes and freckles."
"Your mother did not teach you our ways?" Lin asked incredulously.
"Nope," I said. "She taught me the words to the Hail Mary though. And how to tie a knot in a piece of string with your tongue."
"What is it with you and string?" Commander Jupiter asked.
"I secretly have a string fetish, ma'am," I said.
"Perhaps it's best I don't know what that means," she mumbled. "Anyway, Operations Chief Ji, I would like to say what an honour it's been having you serve on my ship. You were very good at your job, and any person that replaces you is going to be hard-pressed to be even half as good as you are."
"Who is replacing her, just as a matter of interest," Joey said.
"That's for us to know and for you to find out," Commander Jupiter said mysteriously. "Why are you so keen to know, Carboletti?"
"Well, I colour-code everyone's names on the duty roster," Joey said. "I do that based on the colour that comes to mind when I think of your first name. Based on the new OC's first name, I can already design this week's roster."
"Why is my colour black though?" Nkosi wanted to know.
"You have a very black name," Joey shrugged.
"That's fucking racist," Nkosi snapped.
"Never mind that," Lieutenant Jupiter said. "Why is my name pink?"
"Well, sir, you have a pink name," I jumped in, not wanting to miss the opportunity. "Skye Jupiter. I think of a field of pink roses when I hear that name."
He pointed his finger at me. "Thin fucking ice, Lieutenant," he snapped.
"Ha, Pink Floyd," I shouted excitedly. "I knew you were pink."
No one got it. I didn't expect them to. I did it more for my own entertainment than anything else.
The door opened and First Mate Ryde stepped into the rec room. "Will you morons please go to bed, we can't sleep," he snapped.
"Yes, go to bed everyone," Commander Jupiter said. "We officers need to be up early to welcome the new OC to the ship."
We groaned and filed out of the room. Seaman Apprentice Hafel, Admiral Hackett's batman, was waiting outside. "Lieutenant Shepard," he said.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I groaned. "It's close to midnight and I have to be up tomorrow at half past four."
He shrugged. "You know what this is about," he said.
"Fine," I snapped.
"Slut," Nkosi hissed as she walked past.
"Kiss my grits," I hissed back.
…..
I ended up getting to bed at around two in the morning, whereupon I fell into a deep slumber, effectively sleeping through reveille. At five o'clock Carlotta came to wake me up.
"Smurfette, the new OC's arriving in half an hour," she said, shaking me gently by the throat. "You need to get going."
"What the fucking, where's the bugler?" I groaned.
"Lung infection, we had an intercom call instead," she said. "Come on, Team Jupiter are getting impatient."
I rushed through a shower, dressed and was in the conference room by quarter to six, where Carlotta, Lieutenant Jupiter, Commander Jupiter, and our new Operations Chief were already waiting.
"Sorry I'm late ma'am," I gasped, saluting. "I slept through the non-reveille."
The new Operations Chief turned to face me. Her white skin, full lips, dark hair and frog-like black eyes were all unfortunately very familiar to me.
"Hey Shep," Kasuumi Dranne said carelessly.
"Dranne, I-what," I spluttered. "I-you only just graduated from Del Sol, how can you be an NCO already?"
"Oh, I managed to break all your and Kaidan's records and graduate top of my year," Kasuumi said. "After that, well, I was sent to the scout snipers academy, then made operations chief."
"So this is your first tour of duty?" I asked.
"Well, this is only your second, and you're already second lieutenant," she said.
"Has Antonio punched you yet?" I asked sulkily.
"Why would she do that?" Kasuumi asked.
"Well, you effectively broke all her records by breaking mine and Kaidan's, and that's just basically how she rolls," I explained.
"I haven't punched her yet, and I'm not going to," Carlotta said dreamily. "The vids weren't lying about you, Kasuumi. You are fucking gorgeous."
"Thanks," Kasuumi said, sounding pleased. "I get that everywhere."
"Yeah, no wonder," Commander Jupiter said, also looking somewhat dreamy. Lieutenant Jupiter cleared his throat loudly, and she jumped. "Erm yes," she said. "Um, Operations Chief Dranne, on behalf of Company 6 of the Marine Corps Scout Snipers platoon, may I welcome you to uh Company 6."
"Smooth," I muttered.
"Hey, Shep, do you still have a mouth to face ratio of one hundred to one?" Kasuumi asked.
"Lieutenant Shepard is your superior-," Lieutenant Jupiter began.
"Skye, the woman has a point," Commander Jupiter said.
"No, she doesn't," I said. "And even if she did, I am still her superior."
"You just don't like her because she beat all your records," Carlotta laughed.
"No, I don't like her 'cos she's a pain in the butt," I snapped.
"Enough," Commander Jupiter said firmly. "Lieutenant Jupiter, call the rest of the company in."
Lieutenant Jupiter scowled and left the room. "Shep, did you see the news about Kaidan being famous?" Kasuumi asked.
"Screw you, Dranne," I mumbled. She grinned, showing impossibly white teeth.
The others came in. Nina gave a very loud squeal and Commander Jupiter and I both winced.
"Do that again, Ruben, and you'll wish you hadn't," I muttered.
"Oh…my…God," Nkosi breathed. "You're Kasuumi Dranne."
"Really?" Kasuumi asked unselfconsciously.
"I'm your biggest fan," Maya said.
"You're also my silentest fan," Kasuumi said. "Are you a deaf mute, or just a fan of flashing your hands around like a nineteen twenties jazz dancer?"
Maya grinned. "I'm only a mute," she said. "Name's Maya van Richte."
"Good to meet you," Kasuumi said.
"You've been consistently voted the galaxy's sexiest woman since 2174," Terrence blurted out.
"I know that," Kasuumi said.
"You won the Miss Galaxy beauty pageant last year," Terrence continued, blushing deep crimson.
"Yeah, I kinda knew that too," Kasuumi said, frowning.
"Your favourite colour is teal," he said, his face redder than an extranet terminal.
"That I didn't know," Kasuumi said.
"Really?" he asked excitedly.
"Amonkira, seriously?" Kasuumi sighed. "Shut up before you make an even bigger fool of yourself."
"Unlikely to happen," Zaeed muttered. "Hello darling."
"Goodbye creepy," Kasuumi muttered back.
"Good to see some things don't change," Ismaeel said. "Good to see you again, Dranne."
"And to you," Kasuumi said, grinning. "Always nice to see a friendly, unperverted face."
"So, what's Kasuumi Dranne doing on our ship?" Joey asked excitedly.
"She's our new operation's chief," Carlotta said.
"Yeah," Joey laughed. "And I'm the prime minister of the Alliance." His jaw dropped open when he realised she wasn't joking. He blushed a deep crimson. "I-uh, I have duty rosters to write," he mumbled, beating a hasty retreat.
"Good idea, you all have work to do," Lieutenant Jupiter said, clearly unimpressed by all the hero worship going on. "Antonio, show Dranne to her station, then get back to the guns."
"Alright party pooper," Carlotta said.
"And take that attitude and space it out the nearest airlock," he added. "It's not welcome on this ship."
Carlotta rolled her eyes. "Right this way, Chief," she said, stepping aside for Kasuumi to leave the conference room ahead of her.
Commander Jupiter waited for the room to empty before levelling a glare at her brother. "What?" he snapped.
"That was rude," she said chidingly.
"You've got to be kidding me, Luna," he groaned. "She's not even that beautiful. Those eyes are fucking creepy."
"I agree," I added.
"See, if Shepard and I agree on something it must be true," he said. "She's the most misguided person in the galaxy."
I frowned. "At least I'm not an asshole," I said.
"Not now Shepard, we have a good thing going here," Lieutenant Jupiter said.
Commander Jupiter pressed her lips together. "Back to your stations, lieutenants," she said. "Shepard, I need you to order more ammunition from Elkoss Combine, we're running short. I'd hate to have to go on a mission without any."
"Aye Commander," I said. "Can I pour hot coffee over Operations Chief Dranne's head when I'm done?"
"Absolutely not," she answered. "Dismissed, both of you."
Kasuumi had already set herself up at her station, and was busy putting idols and symbols of all the drell gods around her terminal. I scowled and sat down at my terminal.
"So, Kasuumi Dranne's joined your team?" Seaman Nasution asked.
"No, her body double," I said. "Kasuumi Dranne's too expensive."
"I wonder why she joined up in the first place," he mused. "Her family's filthy rich. She could have done anything with her life."
I shrugged non-comitaly and turned to my terminal. I really didn't give a crap about Kasuumi Dranne and her motivations for doing things that made no sense.
…..
Later that afternoon I made a call to Jason, who had just recently started studying on Sur'Kesh. Apparently no one but those of rank Captain, Major, Commander or Admiral were allowed to use the QEC on the ship either, so I was stuck going through com buoys again, which took close to two hours. I did a double take when Jason finally came onto the screen.
"Is that a beard you're growing there, Jason?" I asked in shock.
"Hello, big sister, good to see you too," he said.
"I'm just surprised," I said. "You look so…grown-up."
"Why can't I be grown-up?" he asked defensively.
"Well, I'm your older sister," I said. "I still see you as the little five year old that reprogrammed Dad's datapad to swear at anyone who turned it on."
Jason snorted. "Dad was pissed," he said nostalgically. "How're things going over there?"
I shrugged. "It's going," I said. "I'm quite tired. They have us on a long rotation. Haven't had any shore leave yet. How's it feel to be out of the orphanage?"
"It's ok, I guess," he said. "It's strange. I have an aid, but I've got so much more freedom. Feels weird."
"Congratulations on coming top in the Triple A exams by the way," I said. "You are officially the smartest teenager of 2180."
He snorted. "Yeah, I'm not even top ten around here," he said. "These salarians are way smarter than I am."
"You're enjoying it in any case," I said.
He grinned. "Yeah, I am," he said. "Anyway, Fen Dranne has promised me a job as a lead programmer and developer in his VI corporation if I pass."
"Wow, you'll be making mega-creds if you go there," I said.
"Yup," Jason said.
Joey walked past, did a double-take and turned towards the screen. "Jason Shepard," he said. "Remember me?"
"Sure," Jason said. His face twisted. "Show," he said finally.
"Yup, that's me," Joey said, grinning. "Nice beard. Lieutenant Shepard says you're on Sur'Kesh?"
"Yeah," Jason said.
"Anyway, good to see you again, Jason," Joey said. "Take care. Ma'am, when you have a moment, I'd like to put in a requisition."
"Be right there," I said. "Look after yourself, Jason, you hear?"
"God, you say that to me every time," Jason said, rolling his eyes. "Maybe you should look after yourself. You're not looking so good, and you've lost weight."
"Yeah yeah," I said. "See you soon, I hope."
…..
The next week was the start of the yearly performance reviews, where every report from every mission in the past year was read, each soldier's performance in each mission was assessed, a mark was given, and recommendations were made for improvements. These reviews were chaired by the commanding officer of each team, and assisted by the next two highest-ranked officers in the team. In our case, this was obviously Lieutenant Jupiter and I. Everyone had to be dressed in their formal blues, which tended to put me in a rancid enough mood as it was.
Zaeed was the first person we did. "Well, Masaad, I'm looking at your reports from the past year, and things are not looking good," Commander Jupiter said, reading from a datapad that I was certain she had randomly selected.
"Yeah, no fucking kidding," Zaeed muttered, rolling his eye. "Alright, hit me with your worst shot."
"Well, Service Chief Carboletti writes almost consistently that you're either late or absent for your duties," Commander Jupiter said. "Operations Chief Ji wrote that your performance as her partner was terrible, that she felt very unsafe in your company and that your scouting for her was below par."
"I didn't really like her very much," Zaeed said. "Don't worry, I'm all over Kasuumi. She'll be in good hands with me." He sniggered.
Commander Jupiter gave him a terrible look. "Silence," Lieutenant Jupiter said sharply, glaring at Zaeed.
"Furthermore, Lieutenant Jupiter here writes that your performance in missions is terrible," Commander Jupiter continued, scowling. "You made exactly one kill this entire year, and I'm pretty sure you didn't even make that kill. You probably stole it from one of the other servicemen."
"How dare you accuse me," Zaeed said in a scandalised tone, leaping to his feet.
"Sit down, Masaad, this is serious," Commander Jupiter snapped. "You're lazy, you're awful to work with, you have an atrocious attitude, you don't do your assigned tasks and you're probably the worst soldier I've ever seen. Actually, scratch that. You are the worst soldier I have ever seen. You're worse than the worst asari soldier, and that's saying a lot. In fact, the only good thing I have to say about you is that you know some fantastic jokes."
"Right," Zaeed said boredly. "Can you get to the point, Vaenia reruns are on soon and I don't want to miss them."
"I am putting you on absolute final warning, Private Masaad," Commander Jupiter said. "One more toe out of lining, and I'm kicking you out of the Alliance." She handed him the datapad.
"I sign on the dotted line, right?" Zaeed asked, not looking at all perturbed by the turn of events.
"Yes," Commander Jupiter said.
Zaeed handed back the datapad. "Can I go now?" he asked.
"Dismissed," Commander Jupiter snapped. She waited for the door to shut behind him before saying, "I fucking hate that asshole."
"Why don't you just kick him out?" I asked.
She sighed. "Think Shepard," she snapped. "The Alliance Military firing a disabled man? That wouldn't look good at all."
That's when it hit me. "That's why he won't get his eye fixed, isn't it?" I said slowly. "Because otherwise he'd lose a job where he doesn't actually have to do anything to get paid."
"Exactly," Commander Jupiter said. "And it's not as if his disability is severe enough to prevent him from doing his job."
"Ugh, what an asshole," I mumbled.
"Call in Sobana please, Skye," Commander Jupiter said.
…..
We were finished with the NCOs by supper time. "Right, we just have Antonio left," Commander Jupiter said. We had opted to take our supper in the conference room. "Then we just need to do each other."
"Sorry, but neither of you are my type," I said.
"What, too young?" Lieutenant Jupiter asked sarcastically.
"Ha ha sir, remind me to laugh," I said.
Commander Jupiter was staring at my tray. "How can you stand to eat so little?" she asked in wonder.
"Well, I'm usually sitting when I eat," I said.
"You can do better than that," she said, shaking her head sadly.
"I know," I said. "Sorry, I was feeling the pressure there."
"So, Ruben was your officer at Del Sol?" she asked interestedly.
"Yep," I said. "She was one of the few officer recruits that survived the nuclear attack of 2178. She's a cool person, if somewhat patriotic."
"I remember the attack," Lieutenant Jupiter mused. "We lost a bunch of people. They never caught the culprit?"
"Well-," I hesitated. "Not exactly no."
"I remember hearing about you and another grunt going out and rescuing a pod mate in the middle of the storm," Commander Jupiter said.
"Yeah, it was me and Kaide-wait a minute," I folded my arms and glared at her. "How is it that you remember that fact about me, but you didn't remember my name or the fact that I was your batman when you were doing ICT training?"
"This Kaidan kid again?" Lieutenant Jupiter scowled. "What is he, some kind of demigod or something?"
I shrugged, returning to my corned beef.
"The bounty's still up, Luna, what do you reckon?" Lieutenant Jupiter asked.
"We're done with the gangs, Skye," Commander Jupiter said forcibly.
"Yeah, but think about it," Lieutenant Jupiter said softly, a dreamy expression on his face. "We could retire, live like queens."
"If you want to kill Kaidan, you'll have to go through me first," I snapped.
"Shut up both of you," Commander Jupiter said tiredly.
…..
Carlotta brought Rochelle along into her review. "What the fuck is she doing here?" Lieutenant Jupiter snapped.
"I'm sorry, I haven't had much chance to spend time with her because some asshole's got a bee in his fucking bonnet regarding C-Sub gun," she snapped back.
"It doesn't matter, Skye," Commander Jupiter said, smiling fondly at Rochelle.
"See, it doesn't matter, Skye," Carlotta said, a sickly smile on her face. "Now, can we hurry the fuck up please, there's an interview with Lin'Harel on TV tonight, and I don't want to miss it."
Lieutenant Jupiter scowled at her. "Well, it seems that there are no major complaints with regards to your performance, Antonio," Commander Jupiter said. "You're always on time for duty, your reports are good, you're performing well in the field, and you've even managed to cut down on your swearing."
"Say what?" I asked in amazement. "You've cut down on your swearing?"
"Better believe it, Smurfette, I used to say fuck at least three times as often back in the day," Carlotta said. "Back when I was a gunny, every second word was a cuss word."
"Now, there are still complaints about your hair-," Commander Jupiter began.
"Here we go," Carlotta mumbled.
"-so we once again want to put it to you that your hair is not within Alliance Military regulations," Commander Jupiter said.
"And I once again want to put it to you that I can perform my standard duty tasks as well with pink hair as I can with my hair its natural colour," Carlotta said. "I can even infiltrate a group of tramps if I wanted to. If you want to kick my ass to the curb over dyed hair, you're welcome to, but you'd be losing a very good soldier, over a very fucking stupid gripe."
"Just take it into consideration, Lieutenant," Commander Jupiter said tiredly.
"Aye aye ma'am," Carlotta said. "Is that all?"
"Yes," Commander Jupiter said. "Just sign the form."
Carlotta signed the datapad. "Smell y'all later," she said.
"Ha, another person who says y'all," I said excitedly.
"Don't read too much into it, Smurfette, it's just a word I like using," Carlotta sighed. "It doesn't make us sixties sisters or anything."
…..
A few days later we got a new mission. Kasuumi, Zaeed and I were called into the conference room, and each handed a datapad. "Hey, a chance to see my own handiwork," Kasuumi said.
Commander Jupiter laughed. I didn't. It wasn't a funny joke. "Why don't you take us through the mission brief then, Dranne," Lieutenant Jupiter said, unamused.
"Aye sir," Kasuumi said. "Intel has found a location of a possible batarian base. They need someone to do surveillance on it, and find out if it is." Zaeed and I waited in anticipation. "That's it," she said.
"Surveillance?" I asked incredulously. "Are you kidding me? We're snipers. Can't they send someone from the ground marines?"
"Everyone is needed to win a war, Shepard, which is why you'll be leading the squad whilst we wait on the ship," Commander Jupiter said.
"Great," I mumbled. "Who's on the squad?"
"Masaad and Dranne," she answered.
"Right, and who else?" I asked impatiently.
"That annoying drone of yours I assume," she said. "Other than that, we can't spare anyone else. HQ's planning a big barrage on Montenegro sometime soon. We need the ship in tip-top condition."
"We'll be in constant contact with Specialist Ashton," Kasuumi added.
"That's very comforting," I mumbled. "When's our ETA?"
"0300 hours tomorrow morning," Commander Jupiter said. Zaeed and I both groaned. "Deal with it," she snapped. She pressed a button and a map of the area appeared on the screen behind her. "You will be surveying position X, over here." She pointed to a massive X on the left-hand side of the screen.
"Where?" Zaeed asked.
"Right there," Commander Jupiter said, point again.
"We can't see it, Commander, there's a gigantic fucking X in the way," I said impatiently.
"Not now, Shepard, I'm not in the mood," she said tiredly.
I sighed. "No one has a sense of humour any more, ma'am," Zaeed said sympathetically to me.
"Now, your drop-off point will be at point A, here," Commander Jupiter pointed to an even bigger A, two miles south of the X.
"I can't see that one either, ma'am," I said.
"Shepard," she said tiredly.
"Sorry ma'am," I mumbled.
"Basically, what you need to do is establish whether or not the batarians are using this property as a base," Commander Jupiter said. "It's located in Los Hermanos province, which is still under the Alliance's control, so if the batarians have got a base there, it is problematic."
"So I'm supposed to go in there without a partner?" I asked.
"Finally got there, huh Shepard?" Lieutenant Jupiter said.
"Yes, Shepard," Commander Jupiter said patiently. "It's surveillance. There won't be any need for you to enter combat. Are there any questions that are worth my time to answer?"
"Why's a raven like a writing desk?" I asked.
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be in the military," Commander Jupiter sighed. "That it? Good, dismissed."
…..
0300 hours saw Kasuumi, Zaeed, Commander Jupiter and I in the shuttle to drop point A (which was still illegible). "Is there any coffee left?" Zaeed asked sleepily.
Kasuumi handed him the flask. "Save some for me," she said.
"Hey, Dranne, the commander's a fan of jokes," I said, sipping my coffee. "Do you know any good ones?"
Kasuumi gave me a strange look. "I'm part drell," she said.
"So?" I asked.
"So, they believe it's rude to tell jokes," she said. "When I was a kid, my dad would make me meditate for an hour for any jokes I told. Since then I've kind of given them up. Jokes that is, not meditation."
"Weird," Zaeed said.
Kasuumi shrugged. "That's the way it is," she said.
"Oh well," Zaeed said. "Ma'am, I know some good jokes."
"Christ, I always regret this," Commander Jupiter said. "Fire at will, Private. Make sure they aren't offensive."
"Aye aye, Commander," Zaeed said. "A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: 'That's not it' and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: 'That's it.'."
Commander Jupiter snorted. "Very good, Masaad, very good indeed," she said. "Lieutenant, your turn."
"Wow, talk about putting the heat on," I said. "Ok, um this is still the longest joke in the galaxy, a hundred and seventy years on. So, there's a man crawling through the desert. He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the bad lands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right."
"So, how long is this joke, exactly?" Commander Jupiter asked.
"It's the longest joke in the galaxy," I said. "It's pretty freaking long."
"Ok," Commander Jupiter said. "Continue."
"Thanks," I said. "Where was I again?"
"The bloke is heading in the direction he thinks is right," Commander Jupiter said.
"Right," I said. "He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and colouring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
"He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs."
"So, how long is it till the punchline shows up?" Zaeed asked impatiently.
"A while," I said. "It takes even longer when people keep interrupting."
"We've arrived at the drop-off point," Lieutenant Epple said.
"Aw," Commander Jupiter said, sounding disappointed. "I was just getting into it."
"I'll tell you the rest when we get back," I promised.
"Alright," she said, pleased. "Good luck, you three."
…..
"So, what's new with you, Shep?" Kasuumi asked once we'd reached our position.
"Well, I managed to be the only person to survive a thresher maw attack on my previous company, and become the youngest ever officer and person to win the Del Sol Medal," I said. "Other than that, not much. What's new with you Dranne?"
"Oh, nothing much," Kasuumi said. "Hey whatever happened to that bloke you were seeing, the one where Kaidan and I crashed the first date?"
"We broke up," I said. "The long distance thing wasn't working out."
"Yeah, I broke it off with Kaidan after that," Kasuumi said. "He was really obsessed with you. I was glad to see he'd moved on by the time I started at Del Sol."
"Really?" I said tiredly. "I had no idea."
"So, tell me something, Miss Dranne," Zaeed began.
"It's Operations Chief Dranne," Kasuumi said sharply.
Zaeed looked startled. "Uh, aye aye chief," he said. "Sorry."
"You are forgiven," Kasuumi said. "What do you want me to tell you?"
"Are you single?" Zaeed asked. She glared at him, and he lowered his eye. "Never mind," he mumbled.
I tried not to be impressed. It was quite difficult to do. "Now, I am your senior, and I do have the right to ask that," I said.
"Sure, I have a boyfriend," Kasuumi said.
"Does he have a name?" I asked.
"Yes, it's Minéd-ur-Owen-Bistnest," Kasuumi said.
"I thought drell don't have a sense of humour," I said.
"That wasn't a joke, it was a pun," Kasuumi said.
"Same difference," I said.
"No it isn't," Kasuumi said. "Whilst a pun is often used as the punch-line of a joke, this was more used to make a point."
"Jokes are used to make a point," I said. "The best jokes in the galaxy are used to make a point."
"What like that convoluted joke you were telling earlier?" Kasuumi asked.
"Yup," I said. "That joke has a very strong point in fact."
Kasuumi sighed. "All nafak are red," she said. "Does that make all red things nafak?" Nafak were giant, red, fire-breathing crab-like creatures that frequented the turian homeworld, Palaven, and the krogan homeworld, Tuchanka.
"Allah, I have a headache," Zaeed mumbled.
"Fine, I take your point," I said. "But this isn't over."
"That's a first," Zaeed said. "You at a loss for words."
"Yeah yeah, enjoy it while it lasts, Masaad," I said. "How long are we out here for again?"
"Until we confirm whether or not this is a batarian base," Kasuumi said, squinting down at the building.
"Right," I said. "Did anyone bring snacks?"
Five hours later we were still waiting. We had passed through Eye Spy and were now on Animal, Mineral, Vegetable or Synthetic. It was my turn.
"Animal, Mineral, Vegetable or Synthetic?" Kasuumi asked.
"Animal," I said.
"Land or sea," Zaeed asked boredly.
"Land," I said.
"Sapient or non-sapient?" Kasuumi asked.
"Non-sapient," I said,
"Four legs, two legs, or more than four legs?" Kasuumi asked.
"Two legs," I said.
"Is it a human?" Zaeed asked.
"Non-sapient, dumb-ass," I said.
"Congratulations, you just wasted us a question," Kasuumi mumbled.
"There aren't any other animals with two legs, are there?" Zaeed asked.
"There are," I said. "That's six."
"Is it big or small?" Kasuumi asked, glaring at Zaeed.
"It's big," I said.
"Does it fly?" Zaeed asked.
"Good question, I'd forgotten about birds," Kasuumi mumbled.
"Nope," I said.
"Go on, you're making this up," Zaeed said.
"Should I take that as your ninth statement?" I asked.
"No," Kasuumi said. "Um, herbivore, carnivore or omnivore?"
"Omnivore," I said.
"It's a pig," Kasuumi guessed.
"Pigs have four legs, Dranne," I said.
"Oh excuse me, but you are fucking inventing this animal, Shepard," Kasuumi snapped. "There is no such fucking animal."
"Right, that's eleven," I said. "You have nine strikes left."
"For fuck's sake Shepard," Kasuumi nearly screamed.
"Shut up, Dranne, we're here on surveillance," I hissed.
"You cannot go around inventing animals," Kasuumi continued to speak loudly.
"A skycar just drew up outside point X," Zaeed said.
I took my binoculars out of my BOL and tossed them at him. "See who it is," I ordered.
"Why me?" Zaeed asked.
"Because I told you to," I said.
Zaeed scowled and raised the binoculars. "Yup, those are batarians alright," he said, lowering them again.
"Mission accomplished," Kasuumi said.
I pressed a button on my omnitool. "SSV Everest, this is ground team Alpha, come in."
"Everest here," Com Officer Ashton said.
"Confirmation of position X as enemy base," I said. "Repeat, confirmation of position X as enemy base."
"Roger Alpha, hold position," Com Officer Ashton said.
"Roger," I said.
"Is it extinct?" Zaeed asked.
"Pardon me?" I asked.
"Your animal, is it extinct?"
"Yes," I said.
"It's a dodo," Kasuumi said.
"Nope, and that leaves you with seven," I said.
"Ugh, you are so cheating," Kasuumi mumbled.
"Ground team Alpha, come in," Com Officer Ashton said.
"Go ahead," I said.
"Ships are coming in to bomb the area, please move clear. Will rendezvous afterwards."
"Understood," I said. "Alpha out. They're going to bomb us," I added to Zaeed and Kasuumi. "We need to move."
"Right," Kasuumi said, and started leopard-crawling away from the ridge we had been sitting on.
"What about the people though?" Zaeed asked as I waited for him to go past me.
"What people?" I asked.
"The people in the house," Zaeed said.
"The batarians you mean?" I asked. "I imagine they'll die horribly. Why do you care?"
"No, not the spiders, the humans that the spiders had with them," Zaeed said.
"Dranne, hold it," I said. Kasuumi froze. "The batarians had humans with them?" I asked.
Zaeed nodded. "Looked like prisoners or something," he said.
"You couldn't fucking mention this earlier?" I nearly screamed. "How many?"
"Three men, two women and about five children," Zaeed said. "About fifteen batarians."
I stabbed my finger down onto my omnitool. "Team Alpha to Everest, come in," I said urgently.
"Everest here, what is it Alpha?" Com Officer Ashton asked.
"There are humans in the building with the batarians," I said rapidly. "Three men, two women, five children."
"Understood, team Alpha, we'll try to notify command," she said. "It might be too late though."
"Get on it Ashton," I said.
A few minutes later she came back on the radio. "Come in Team Alpha," she said.
"Go ahead," I said.
"Command won't belay the order," she said. "Bombing will proceed as planned. Retreat to minimum safe distance and await pickup."
"What?" I said. "You mean they're going to bomb a place full of civilians?"
"Affirmative," Com Officer Ashton said. "Their ETA is about ten minutes."
I paused. "Acknowledged," I said. "Shepard out." I turned to Kasuumi and Zaeed. "We have ten minutes," I said. "Dranne, Kaidan told me you can make yourself invisible. Is that true?"
"Yes," Kasuumi said. "Well, sort of. I can't disappear when people are looking at me. The whole principle is that I'm unnoticed. Sort of like a camouflage."
"I don't give a damn about the principle right now," I said. "This is what we're going to do."
…..
It was about five hundred metres downhill from where we were to the front door of the house. Zaeed and I ran as silently as we could down the slope. "You realise we're probably going to die now," Zaeed whispered to me as we ran.
"Yeah?" I said. "Well, we wouldn't be if you had actually done your fucking job, Masaad."
My radio crackled. "Shepard, come in," a voice said angrily. It was Commander Jupiter. I turned the radio off. I didn't need that kind of distraction.
We reached the front door. I counted down three with my fingers and Zaeed kicked the door down.
"Alliance," I bellowed in protha. The house was fortunately small, with only one room. There were loud screams from the people within. "Put your hands up."
The humans cowered back from us, wide-eyed. The batarians stared in shock. "I mean it," I shouted. "Hands where I can see them now."
"Not a step closer," one of the batarians ordered. He had pulled one of the children, a young boy against him and had pushed a pistol to his temple. "I mean it, I'll shoot him."
"Listen to me," I said. "There are Alliance ships on the way. They're going to bomb you all if you don't move now."
"Don't listen to her, Chekt," another of the batarians said. "Shoot the boy." One of the women gave a whimper.
"I'm not lying," I shouted in batarian. "The Alliance knows there are humans here. They don't care."
"Then why are you here?" the batarian named Chekt asked. "If the Alliance is going to bomb us, you'll die too."
"I'm not going to stand around whilst innocent people are murdered," I said.
Chekt hesitated, which was when his arm was pulled back in a half-nelson. The gun went off. Fortunately for us, the bullet harmlessly hit the floor.
"You should have checked your corners," Kasuumi said, appearing behind Chekt.
The batarians now looked utterly bemused. "Are you done arguing, or are you going to listen to us?" I asked.
"Four minutes, Shep," Zaeed said.
"We're willing to die for the Hegemony," another batarian said.
"Yes, but are they?" I asked, pointing my chin at the humans. "I haven't studied your culture much, but I do know you aren't turians. You don't let innocents die unless it serves your purpose."
"It looks bad for the Alliance if they kill their own people," the batarian said. "That serves the Hegemony."
"Three minutes," Zaeed said. "We need to run Shep. Now."
"We're leaving now," I said. "And we'll tell the galaxy what happened out here, that you wouldn't let innocent human children go."
I started for the door, Zaeed close at my heels. "Fine," the batarian said from behind me. "We'll come with you."
"Back door," Kasuumi muttered. "There's a slope."
"Alright, all humans move ahead of me," I shouted. "Head for the back door. When you get there, run, and don't look back."
There was a surge for the back door. "Go on," I said to the batarians, indicating with my rifle that they should move ahead of me.
"What, so you can shoot us in the back?" one of the batarians asked obstinantly, not moving.
"We're fucking going to die in two minutes, move the fuck out," I screamed. Something in my tone must have convinced them, as they moved very quickly after that.
We were halfway down the slope when the first bomb hit the house, and the shockwaves threw us all off our feet. Two more bombs hit the house, then there was silence, except for two of the younger children crying.
"Well, ma'am, now we really can't see it," Zaeed said, sounding slightly hysterical.
"Now what?" Kasuumi asked.
We sprang to our feet, but the batarians were slightly faster. "I don't think so," Chekt said as I made to pick up my rifle.
"We just saved your life," I said.
"So?" a batarian asked. "We are loyal to nothing but the Hegemony."
Kasuumi sighed and raised her hand. The batarians rose up into the air, and slammed back down again. "Stay down unless you want me to slam you harder," she told them. Wisely, the batarians decided to stay down.
Freddie popped out of my omnitool. "Yo, numb nuts," it said. "Commander Jupiter is trying to get hold of you for some reason. Can't imagine why."
I switched my radio back on. "Shepard to Everest, come in," I said.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Commander Jupiter screamed into my ear.
"Briefly radio silent," I said. "I'm back now though, and we even have a few batarian soldiers PoWs for you."
There was a pause. "Where in the name of tits and ass did you get batarian PoWs?" she asked at last.
"Oh, that house that you just bombed into next Wednesday," I said calmly. "I couldn't just stand around and watch as civilians were murdered by the people supposedly protecting them."
"Did you get them out?" Commander Jupiter asked.
"Affirmative," I said.
"Right, we'll send the shuttle in," she said. "You're in some serious fucking shit, Lieutenant."
"Copy that," I said.
"Right, see you in a bit," Commander Jupiter said. "Jupiter out."
"Shuttle's on its way," I said. "Masaad, come here,"
Zaeed came over to me. "What is it, ma'am?" he asked meekly. He knew he was in trouble.
I punched him hard in the jaw. "You fucking moron, you almost got us killed," I snapped.
He rubbed his jaw. "I'm not the one who ordered us to storm the house," he protested thickly through a mouthful of blood.
"No, you're the idiot who didn't do his job properly," Kasuumi said angrily.
"Dranne, I'll handle this, you watch the prisoners," I snapped. I turned back to Zaeed. "What she said," I said. "If I ever catch you malingering again, if you fail to perform a task or you don't report accurately on a situation, I'll have you court marshalled so fast your head will spin. And you'll be unable to accuse me of discrimination, because I am technically disabled too. Is that clear, private?"
"I-," he began. I glared at him. "Yes ma'am."
…..
Commander Jupiter was waiting in the shuttle bay when exited the shuttle. "What the hell happened?" she snapped the moment we stepped outside.
"Can we go through decontamination, have this lot processed and get a cup of tea before you start yelling, ma'am?" I asked. "It's been a long day."
"Fine, go through decontamination," she said. "Make sure the batarians go through as well."
"So, this is what an Alliance warship looks like," one of the batarians mumbled.
"Shut your trap," Commander Jupiter snapped. "You won't be seeing the inside of anything other than a PoW camp for a very long time. Make it snappy, Lieutenant Shepard."
"Aye aye," I said.
After decontamination, we took the batarians to Port Side and assigned Terrence, Joey and Ismaeel to watch them. Kasuumi and Zaeed were already waiting in the conference room with the Jupiters when I returned back upstairs.
"Do mind telling me what happened now?" Commander Jupiter asked.
"Sure," I said. "There were humans in the house the Alliance was planning on bombing. We rescued them. The end."
"Why was there no mention of them in your original message, Lieutenant?" Lieutenant Jupiter asked.
"We…forgot about them, sir," I said unconvincingly.
Commander Jupiter narrowed her eyes. "Bullshit," she said. "This has something to do with Masaad, doesn't it? What happened, Masaad?"
Zaeed shifted uncomfortably. "Nothing ma'am, it's like the lieutenant said," he mumbled, looking at the floor.
Commander Jupiter scowled. "I should court-marshal you all for breaking protocol," she snapped. "In light of the very shoddy testimony given by you, Lieutenant Shepard, I sentence you to three months hard labour for a poor example set to the junior staff. I hope you learn your lesson."
"Yes ma'am," I said. "Thank you, ma'am."
"You've got to be kidding," Lieutenant Jupiter snapped. "Just lock all three of them up. Once and for all."
"My decision is final," Commander Jupiter said. "I expect reports no later than twelve sol hours from now. Dismissed."
…..
The next few months were relatively uneventful. I paid my dues in the form of hard labour back to Alliance Military command. Apparently no one really knew what to make of my stupidity. On the one hand, I had disobeyed the orders of a superior officer (thankfully not the direct order, or else I'd be in much deeper trouble). On the other hand, I had rescued ten civilians and taken fifteen batarian soldiers prisoner. Naturally, Admiral Mikhailovich was baying for my blood, but there wasn't much he could do other than accept Commander Jupiter's judgement.
In November I got my annual bout of pneumonia for the first time in three years, and was out of action for the next month. Everyone greeted me enthusiastically when I returned to active duty in early December.
"So, back are you?" Lieutenant Jupiter asked, giving me an unpleasant smile.
"Yes sir, how kind of you to notice," I said.
"We're docking you full combat pay, as you did not go out into the field once this entire month," he said.
"Rightio," I said cheerfully. "Who needs money if you don't have anything to spend it on, eh?"
I made my way to the CIC. "Shepard, your reports are a month overdue," Commander Jupiter said. "I have also sent a list of requisitions that we urgently need. Please get to it."
"But I'm ill, ma'am," I said weakly. "Doctor said I need to rest for at least another six years."
"Cry me a river, Shepard, we are running out of food and will starve if you don't process those requisitions," Commander Jupiter said.
Carlotta was sitting in my seat with Rochelle in her lap when I reached my terminal. "Why are you in my seat?" I asked.
"Just checking what it feels like to be a second lieutenant," Carlotta said.
"And?" I asked.
"It's quite uncomfortable," Carlotta said. She got up. "Welcome back," she said.
"Thank you," I said.
"You missed Rochelle's party," she said. "I thought of you whilst I ate some cake."
"Very kind," I said. "I wouldn't have been able to eat any in any case, unless it was an egg-free cake."
"Lame," Carlotta said. "I try to insult you and you respond rationally. By the way, there's a thief on the ship. Keep your belongings under lock and key."
"Thanks for the warning," I said. "Are the any suspects?"
"A gunny from Third Regiment who got posted here a couple of weeks ago," Carlotta said.
I spied Kasuumi sitting under the map. "What about Dranne?" I asked.
"What about Dranne?" Carlotta asked.
"Well, she could also be the thief," I said.
"You really don't like her, huh?" Carlotta asked sounding amused. "What did she do to you?"
"Well, she started dating the guy that I was in love with, then she started flirting with the guy I was dating," I said. "I also had to suffer her smug smile and stuck-upedness for most of my last year at Del Sol."
"Come on," Carlotta said, laughing. "You can't exactly blame all of those dudes for choosing her over you, Smurfette. At least she's of a decent height. And you may not like her, but she's an excellent soldier. Masaad is actually doing work these days, thanks to her."
"No kidding?" I asked.
"I don't pay you to stand around and gossip, Shepard and Antonio," Commander Jupiter said, coming over. "Back to your post, Antonio."
"Ugh," Carlotta mumbled. "Come on, Rochelle, we have a forward cannon to go and maintaining."
"I need to pee," Rochelle announced.
"Right then," Carlotta said. "What do you say we go find us a toilet for you to pee in? Later Commander, Smurfette."
"Shepard, have you approved those requisitions yet?" Commander Jupiter asked.
"Just about to, ma'am," I said.
"Good, then you can tell me the rest of that joke," Commander Jupiter said.
"What, now?" I asked in amazement.
"Yes, now," Commander Jupiter said. "The suspense has been killing me. You've no idea how badly I wanted to visit you in the med bay, but doc said you were too ill for visitors."
"Well, I was hallucinating about purple pyjacks for the most part, so I don't reckon I would have been able to tell you in any case," I said, somewhat bemused. "Ok, where did we stop?"
"How long is this joke if you have to ask where we are?" Commander Jupiter asked.
"How many times do I have to say that it's ruddy long?" I asked impatiently.
"Right," Commander Jupiter said. "The bloke's about to cross the creek bed to see if he can spot the lights of the town."
"Right," I said. "So As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car."
"Wait a minute," Commander Jupiter said. "Why didn't he just fire up his omnitool and check the GPS?"
"This is from the early twenty first century," I said. "Omnitools weren't invented until the start of this century."
"Right," Commander Jupiter said. "Must have been boring. Carry on."
I rolled my eyes. "He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die," I carried on. "Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
"He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid."
"Are you checking your emails?" Commander Jupiter asked. "I need those approvals."
"Ma'am, I can't tell a joke and do my work at the same time," I said.
"You're a woman," she said. "Multi-task."
"I don't know how," I said. "Let me continue here with the joke. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
"He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that."
"What's a wino?" Commander Jupiter interrupted again.
"Old school slang for an alcoholic," I said. "He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements."
"Commander, Admiral Mikhailovich for you on the QEC," Com Officer Ashton said.
Commander Jupiter sighed. "I'll take it in the conference room," she said. "We're not done here, Shepard," she said.
"Yes ma'am," I mumbled, turning to my overflowing inbox and preparing myself for a long first day back.
…..
Two days later, upon returning from a trip to Admiral Hackett's cabin, I found a painting done on a piece of canvas of me in sexy black lingerie. "What the hell?" I said aloud.
"Shut up," one of the officers bellowed.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
"What is it?" Carlotta asked sleepily.
"Someone left a painting of me in sexy lingerie on my pillow," I said.
"Oh, she strikes again, does she?" Carlotta asked.
"Who?" I asked irritably.
"Will you two shut the fuck up, we're on duty in a few hours?" another officer shouted.
"Oh please, you're making more noise than we are," Carlotta snapped.
"So help me, if you two don't shut the hell up now, I'm going to kill you all," a third officer shouted.
"Forget this, I'm going to bed," I mumbled.
…..
"So, who painted that picture?" I asked the next morning, as Carlotta and I waited in the bathrooms for a free shower to open up.
"Oh, van Richte," Carlotta said dismissively. "She's quite a talented artist actually. She's always leaving paintings and things lying around for people to find."
"Why?" I asked.
"Most likely because she's cuckoo," Carlotta shrugged dismissively. "We're all a bit cuckoo on this ship."
"I'm not," I mumbled.
"Please," she said. "You've memorised the galaxy's longest joke. If that isn't fucking nuts, I don't know what is."
When I got back to my bed, I got dressed, then reached across my bed to find my omnitool and put it on. I couldn't find it. "That's strange," I mumbled. I pulled the bed clothes off of my bed, but still couldn't find it.
"Hey, Antonio, have you seen my omnitool?" I asked.
"What would I want with an outdated piece of shit like your omnitool?" Carlotta snapped.
"I got it in 2179," I said, diving under the bed to see if it had maybe fallen down there.
"Yeah, and it's almost 2181," Carlotta said, straightening her tie. "Get with the fucking programme, Smurfette."
I opened my locker and chucked everything haphazardly onto the floor. "Watch where you throw these things," Carlotta said, removing a tampon from her hair.
"Deal with it," I mumbled, scratching around at the back of my footlocker, even though I knew I had not put it there.
"Seems our thief has struck again," Carlotta said. "Bad luck."
"Freddie?" I said, hoping that it would activate with the sound of my voice and show me the location of my omnitool, but nothing happened.
"Shit," I muttered. "Now what?"
"I recommend tidying this bullshit up and getting to your station," Carlotta said. "Morning duty starts in five minutes."
"Right," I said.
"Cheer up," Carlotta said unsympathetically. "We've got shore leave coming up. You can buy a new omnitool and set an even more annoying VI drone on us."
"Yes, thank you, Lieutenant," I snapped. "Get to those damn cannons already."
"Aye aye, miss snarky pants," she said, saluting. I glared at her. "I mean, Lieutenant Snarky Pants."
"That's better," I said. She left and I started picking my worldly possessions up off the floor.
It was only when I put the final tampon in the box that it struck me, and I froze. Surely I was mistaken. I pulled my bag of medication from my locker and emptied it out onto the floor. I was taking even more medicine than normal, owing to my recent bout of pneumonia and it took me a while to find my birth control pills. The set that I was busy taking was almost finished, as I had thought, and I was already four pills in to the red line. Which meant that I was four days into my period. Only, I had not yet bled a drop this month.
…..
I went down to the hold to find Carlotta. I eventually found her wedged under B-sub gun, doing something complex with a spanner and wrench. "Antonio," I said. She banged her head against the bottom of the gun and let out a loud expletive.
"What?" she snapped.
"I need you," I whispered. My lips were numb, and I knew my face was probably bone-white.
"Shouldn't you be at work?" she asked.
"This is an emergency," I said.
"Alright then," she said. She picked Rochelle up from where she was busy threading beads onto a piece of string and followed me up to the officers' bathroom.
I still had the tampon and the pills in my hand, and I showed them to her. "What, don't tell me you've finally gotten your period and need help with using one of those," she said, laughing.
"I'm late," I whispered. I felt incapable of talking.
The smile wiped from her face. "Are you sure?" she asked.
I nodded. "I've never been late before," I said. "Not after my family was killed, not even after Akuze. Even when I'm sick, my cycle is regular."
"Shit," Carlotta said. "Have you done a test?"
I shook my head. "I don't have a kit," I said. "Should-do you think I should go speak to the medic?"
"No," Carlotta said at once. "No, they'll know what's going on then, and force you to abort it. I've got a few testing kits in my foot locker. Just wait here. Rochelle, wait with Jane, ok?"
"What's happening, Mama?" Rochelle asked curiously.
"Jane's just a bit sad, ok?" Carlotta said. "I'll be right back."
Rochelle touched my hand. "Why are you sad?" she asked me.
I swallowed. "I got some sad news," I said thickly.
"Oh," she said. She hugged me around the knees. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
I bit hard on my lip. Carlotta came back in and handed me a pregnancy kit. "Do you need help with it?" she asked. I shook my head, took my coat off and lifted up my shirt.
"Where must I put it in?" I asked.
"An inch below your belly button," she said. "Be careful though."
I nodded, and stabbed the needle into a spot just below my naval. "Scanning," a voice said from the speaker. "Please be patient."
I chewed on my fingernails whilst I waited. After an eternity, the VI said, "You are two weeks pregnant. Congratulations. Please visit a medical practitioner for a check-up."
I didn't even notice my knees buckling. "Jane?" Carlotta asked.
"What am I going to do?" I whispered. "I'm nineteen. I've only been in the military for a year, they'd never let me keep it."
"It's ok, we'll think of something," Carlotta said. "But right now you need to get up and get to your station, or they'll start thinking something's up." She held a hand out to help me up.
I took it, but when I was standing I was trembling so violently my teeth were clicking together.
Carlotta shook me. "Get it together," she said fiercely. "If they get even an inkling of what's going on, they'll force you to have it out. You need to be strong, at least for a little while."
I took a deep breath and forced myself to stop shivering. "I'm ok," I said softly.
Carlotta raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?" she asked. I nodded. "Good, now get to work."
"Where've you been?" Commander Jupiter asked when I reached my terminal.
"I'm sorry ma'am, I had to help Antonio with something," I said. I forced a smile and saluted. "It won't happen again."
…..
I met Carlotta in the conference room at one the next morning. "How are you doing?" she asked. I shrugged. "Do you know who the father is?"
"Hackett," I said. "I haven't slept with Joey since before I got sick. It can only be Hackett's."
"How did it happen?" she asked.
I gave a hysterical snort. "You mean you don't know?" I asked incredulously. "You have a kid of your own after all."
She scowled at me. "I'm helping you out of the goodness of my heart, Shepard, I can leave at any time," she snapped.
"Sorry," I said. "I guess maybe the fever I had caused the pill to stop working or something." I hesitated. "How did it happen with you?"
She shrugged. "I was busy going through a bad patch," she said. "I guess a part of me wanted to fall pregnant or something. I freaked out when I found out. I was way worse than you."
"What did you do?" I asked. Her face contorted. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No, it's alright," she said. "I took an overdose of my beta-blockers. Stevens, my old partner found me, got me to the med bay where they pumped my stomach. No one checked my blood, thank God."
"I can't be a mother yet," I blurted out. "I'm not ready."
"So you want it out?" she asked, not unkindly.
I shrugged. "I'm Catholic," I said. "I can't just get…get an abortion."
"They'll fire you if you decide to keep it," she said. "Even if you give it up for adoption."
"I know," I said.
"I decided to have an abortion," she said. "Even made the appointment and everything, but I didn't go."
"Why not?" I asked.
"I fell pregnant the first time when I was thirteen," she said. "I was a complete fuck up: drug addict, getting drunk the whole time, fucking guys that were way older than me. I decided to keep that baby because I thought he might help me pull my life together. I was five months pregnant already when my father found out."
"What did he do when he found out?" I found myself whispering.
"He beat the living daylights out of me," she said. "My own best friend didn't recognise me. I went into labour, and my son was born. He wasn't breathing, and the doctors said it was likely he had been dead for months. He was so tiny. I didn't keep the appointment because I felt like God was giving me a second chance." She paused. "I can't say if my life would have been better or worse if I'd kept that appointment, but I do know it would have been different."
"What if I'm a bad parent though?" I asked softly.
"You won't be," she said. "Hell, I'm not exactly a text book mom, and when I decided to keep Rochelle, I was terrified I'd turn into a vegetable like my mother, or a psycho like my father. And I know that I've fucked up with her. But I also know I'll do anything for my daughter. She's the only worthwhile thing I've done with my life."
Back at our quarters, Carlotta had to take Rochelle to the toilet. "You carry her," she whispered.
I picked her up. She was heavy, but in a comforting way, sort of like when you wrap a blanket tightly around yourself in the cold. Whilst I carried her, she nestled her face into my neck and I felt her breath against my chin. "Mama, I dreamt of cats," she murmured, three quarters asleep.
"Is that right?" I asked. How nice it must be, I thought, to have someone love you unconditionally.
Back in bed, I found my old datapad, plugged in my earphones, and searched for the video I wanted to watch. It was called 'Jane (age seven), training for human under ten marksmanship competition'. The video had been recorded by John, and showed myself and my father. I watched as my seven year old self loaded her pistol and released the safety. I raised the pistol.
"Drop your shoulder," my father told me. I did so. "More." I dropped my shoulder. "More." I dropped it more.
He moved behind me and pushed down hard. I staggered. "Jesus Christ, girl, you're too tense," he said. "Relax, you'll be fine." I rolled my shoulders. "Alright, let's see your stance again." I raised the pistol again. "Good, now fire."
I hesitated. "What are you waiting for?" he asked.
"I'm aiming," I said softly.
"Don't," he said. "You'll tense up again. Just shoot, your eye knows what it's looking at."
I fired at the target. "Good, again," he said. I fired again. "Keep shooting," he said.
I fired until I'd used the entire clip up. He fetched the target whilst I waited. "Excellent," he said. "You hit the bull's eye every time. Well done." He bent and kissed the top of my head. That was the end of the clip.
The next morning I whispered to Carlotta, "I can't keep it."
She didn't say anything, just nodded at me.
…..
Of course, deciding to have an abortion was very different to having one, for a number of reasons, the most obvious one being that if I were to speak to the ship doctor about my issues, she'd tell Commander Jupiter, who would tell Admiral Mikhailovich, who would have me court marshalled.
I'm still not sure how Carlotta and I managed to keep the fact that I was pregnant from the others on the ship, especially when I started getting morning sickness, which I soon learnt, contrary to what my mother had told me, could strike at any time, including the middle of a rigorous physical training session, led by Lieutenant Jupiter.
I fortunately made it to the toilet in time, but I didn't have time to check if the bathroom was empty. "Antonio?" Commander Jupiter asked from the next stall as I vomited noisily into the toilet bowl.
I didn't answer, partly because I was busy returning my breakfast to the earth, but also because I hoped she would go away. Unfortunately, she didn't.
"Shepard?" her voice asked in amazement from above me.
I looked up. She was peeping at me from over the cubical wall. I sent a salute in her direction, then hurled for the final time. "Are you ok?" she asked in concern.
"Sure," I gasped, giving her a thumbs-up. "Tip top."
I flushed the toilet, and went out into the bathroom to wash my mouth out. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"I'm feeling sick," I said, trying for nonchalance.
"Clearly," she said. "Maybe you should report to the doctor."
"Uh, no, I don't think I should," I said.
"Why not?" she asked. "You're clearly sick."
"Yeah, um," I said, wracking my brains. "It's-it's the medication I'm on. Uh, one of the side effects is nausea and vomiting. The doctor warned me of this."
She studied my face, frowning. "Alright then," she said. "Be prepared, we have a number of missions coming up."
I smiled weakly. "Can't wait," I said.
"That's the spirit, Lieutenant," she said. "Dismissed."
I saluted and left.
…..
At lunch time I snagged Carlotta and pulled her to a table in the corner. "You need to do something," I whispered. "Jupiter saw me in the bathroom."
"Which Jupiter?" Carlotta asked, munching on one of her crackers.
"Female," I said.
"Oh," Carlotta said. "You don't need to worry about that. She'll believe whatever lie you told her." She looked down at the untouched food in front of me. "You aren't eating?" she asked.
"I get sick every time I do," I said. "I'm tired of it."
"Maybe, but you're already a fucking midget, which means you'll start showing way earlier than normal people," Carlotta said. "You need to put on some fucking weight."
"Antonio, I can't keep this secret for much longer," I hissed. "I feel like I'm going crazy."
"Yeah, I'm afraid to inform you that that ship flew off a long time ago," Carlotta said. I scowled at her. "Anyway, don't worry. The news from upstairs is that we have shore leave in Elysium coming up at the end of January. We can have that ole nuisance out then."
"That's four weeks away," I whispered. "I can't do this for four weeks."
"Well, unless you want me to get a coat hanger out and do this old school, you don't have a choice," Carlotta said. "And on that note, will you please start with the crappy jokes again? People are going to know something is up."
"I'm not feeling particularly-," I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned, and saw Kasuumi Dranne walking away from us. "Antonio," I hissed. "Three o'clock." She looked in the opposite direction. "My three, you fucking ginger nut, not yours."
"Oh, my bad you fucking midget moron," she snapped, looking in the direction I indicated. "Fuck," she mumbled. "Now what?"
"Don't worry," I said. "I can handle it."
"What, you're going to threaten to bore her to death?" Carlotta asked. "At least when you were smart-mouthed, you were interesting. Now you're just depressing. It's tragic."
I ignored her.
…..
After lunch I called Kasuumi into the conference room. "No need to look so concerned, Dranne, this is just a friendly chat," I said.
"Yeah right," she said. "There's nothing friendly about you, Shep."
"Maybe try harder not to piss me off, Dranne," I advised. "Now, I know you're the one stealing from everyone."
"What?" Kasuumi asked, sounding convincingly shocked. "That's ridiculous."
"Drop the act, Dranne, I don't believe you," I said.
"Look, even if I was the one stealing all the shit on the ship, you wouldn't have any proof," Kasuumi said. "No one would believe you."
"Oh really?" I asked. "Freddie."
"What do you want, dipshit?" a muffled voice came from inside Kasuumi's BOL. "Long time no see."
"My VI," I said. "It lives in my omnitool, which is clearly in your BOL."
Kasuumi went a nasty purple colour. "Don't worry, I won't ask you to empty your pockets," I said tiredly. "I do need my omnitool back though." She sighed and opened her BOL. Freddie zoomed out.
"So, tried to get rid of me again, did you?" it squeaked excitedly as Kasuumi handed me my omnitool. "Don't you know I'm indestructible?"
"Yes," I said. "More's the pity. Go away please, Freddie." I turned back to Kasuumi.
"How did you know it was me?" she blurted out.
"Kaidan told me you were a kleptomaniac," I said. "Figured it could only be you."
"So, what, you're going to turn me in?" she asked.
"Not unless I really have to," I said. "Now, you heard me and Lieutenant Antonio talking earlier, didn't you?"
She stared down at her feet. "Yes," she said at last. "But I wouldn't have told anyone."
"Ok, cool," I said. "Thing is, I'm not generally paranoid, but for some reason I don't trust you very much. I'm not really sure why. If I find myself in front of the Alliance Military Council because of alleged fraternisation, I'd be sure to tell them who is stealing from the Alliance. I believe the sentence for stealing is two years on Grageran?" She said nothing. "Two years is a long time, Dranne, and I'm not sure you'd last that long."
She glared at me. "Fine," she snapped. "But this isn't over."
"Too right it is," I said. "Jog on then."
…..
"Right, your shore leave will be for seventy two hours, from 0600 hours tomorrow morning to 0600 hours on February first," Lieutenant Jupiter said. Company Six was gathered in the conference room in preparation of our shore leave, which was due to start the following morning.
"Whilst it is important for you all to relax and unwind over the next three days, you need to remember that you are representing the Alliance and the human military," Lieutenant Jupiter continued. "Try not to make too much of a fool of yourselves, and I do not want to get a call in the middle of the night to hear that one of you has been arrested for being drunk and disorderly, Private Masaad, or that you are indecently exposing yourself, Lieutenant Antonio."
"Oh come on, that was four years ago, for fucks sakes," Carlotta snapped. "I'm a different person since then."
"The only things that have changed since then is the fact that you dye your hair pink and that you now have someone who calls you 'Mommy'," Lieutenant Jupiter said. "You're still as much of a slag as you were then."
"Yeah, well I'd rather be a slag than a fucking wanker, you blonde fucking sissy bitch," Carlotta snapped. There was a loud gasp as we waited to see what Lieutenant Jupiter would do.
He smiled unpleasantly. "Lieutenant Antonio, I believe that that counts as insubordination to a superior officer, the sentence of which is time in the brig," he said.
"You can't have me arrested, I'm the best marine in this joint," Carlotta said indignantly.
"No, but I can put you on three day stand-to, starting tomorrow at 0600 hours," Lieutenant Jupiter said coldly. "And for the record, Shepard's a better soldier than you."
"The way you say it makes it sound like an insult, sir," I said.
"Good, that's the way it's meant to sound," Lieutenant Jupiter said.
"You bastard," Carlotta mumbled, scowling at him.
"What's that, Lieutenant?" he smiled, clearly enjoying himself.
"I said, aye aye sir," Carlotta said, giving a very fake and somewhat scary smile.
"That's the spirit," he said. "Dismissed."
"Lieutenant, can I have a word?" Joey asked quietly as we made for the door.
I sighed. I had been blowing Joey off for the past few months, and generally avoiding him. "Sure," I said.
"I'm leaving the door open, Shepard," Lieutenant Jupiter said. "Don't be inappropriate."
"No sir," I said. I waited until the room was empty before saying, "What can I do for you, Chief?"
"What's going on?" Joey whispered.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, we haven't done anything since you got sick in November, and you've been acting really weirdly," Joey said.
"What do you mean weirdly?" I asked.
"Well, all depressed and stuff," Joey said. "Not like you at all."
"Joey," I said softly. "What are you doing?"
"Huh?" he asked.
"Why are you going after me?" I asked. "You're a good-looking guy. You could have any girl in the galaxy."
"I already told you, I love you," Joey said. "I know that you don't feel the same way about me, you love your boyfriend, but I don't care."
"Joe, that's not healthy," I began.
"Jane, listen," Joey said. "I-you're the only girl I've ever loved. Ever since we were little kids, I've loved you."
I swallowed. "Joey, this can't go on," I said softly. "I know you think that by sleeping with you, I will fall in love with you, but it won't happen. Not now anyway. My life is too complicated at the moment. I'm sorry. And I can't jeopardise your chances to find someone who will love you, because it's not fair on you."
Joey grinned. "But I already told you, I don't care," he said.
"Yeah," I said. "But I do. You mean a lot to me, and I can't see you hurt any longer." I reached up and kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry."
He sighed. "I always knew you would break my heart someday, Jane Shepard," he said sadly.
I snorted. "That was a freaking girly thing to say," I said.
"Yeah well, you were always the strong one," he said.
"Everyone says that," I said. "I'll see you around, Joey."
"Yeah," he said. "I guess you will."
…..
As I was heading back to my station, Specialist Ashton called me to her station. "Call for you," she said. "Operations Chief Alenko." She leaned into me. "He's very good looking," she whispered.
"Yeah, I know Specialist," I said. "But thanks for pointing it out to me. I'll take it at my station."
I went back to my station, and switched my terminal on. Kaidan's face appeared on my screen. "Hey," he said.
"Hey," I said, swallowing. I hadn't spoken to Kaidan since I had been on Arcturus Station.
"What's happening?" he asked. "Long time, no see."
"Yeah," I said. "You're rich now."
"Yup, sure am," Kaidan answered. "I bought my parents a new place. It's good for them to get out of Seattle South. So what's going on with you? I haven't heard from you in ages."
"Yeah, uh, I guess the com buoys are very busy at the moment," I said. "Um, not much is going on. Duty. You know."
"Tell me about it," Kaidan said, rolling his eyes. "NCOs get a shit load more work than servicemen. Hey, I have shore leave tomorrow in Elysium, and I hacked your ships' system and saw that you do too."
"Wait, what?" Specialist Ashton's voice sounded in my earpiece.
"Our com officer," I told Kaidan, who looked confused. "Don't worry, Ashton, if anyone is Alliance first, it's Alenko."
"Even so, I need to run a system's check," she said, sounding put out.
"Anyway," Kaidan said. "Do you want to meet up? I really miss you."
I took a deep breath. "Sure," I said neutrally. "I think we need to see each other."
"Cool," Kaidan said. "So nine?"
"Nine's…not good," I said. "I have an appointment at nine. How's midday?"
"Sure…ah shoot," Kaidan said. "I have to do some publicity work at twelve. It'll take most of the day."
"No worries," I said. "Um, the thirty first? At midday?"
"Yeah, that works for me," Kaidan said. He grinned. "Awesome," he said. "I can't wait."
I smiled weakly. "Me neither," I said.
…..
I went down to Carlotta later that afternoon. "You had to piss Jupiter off and get confined to the ship," I said.
"Oh please, Smurfette, it's not like you wouldn't have done anything different," she said. "He was being an ass in any case."
"Blonde sissy bitch though," I said. "That's crossing the line."
"Shut up," she mumbled. "Pass the monkey wrench."
I passed it to her. "My boyfriend wants to see me," I said.
"Oh God, don't tell me I've become your fucking confessional," Carlotta mumbled.
"I think I need to end it with him," I continued, ignoring her.
"You think so?" Carlotta asked. "You've cheated on him with two different guys and now you're preggo with one of those guys' baby."
I glared at her. "You've been such a friend," I said.
"I love soap operas," Carlotta said, shrugging. "I need a five millimetre nut."
"You are a five millimetre nut," I mumbled, handing her one.
"Oh very clever," she acidly.
…..
My appointment at the clinic was at nine o'clock, and we landed in Elysium at six, which left me with three hours to kill. As I didn't want anyone to know that I had an appointment at the clinic, I was pretty much left to my own devices. My morning sickness had, for the most part, slowed down, so I started the day off with egg-free churros and the thickest hot chocolate I had ever seen in my life. Since all the museums and landmarks in Elysium only opened at nine, I soon found that walking around a beautiful city was pretty boring in itself. The city was gorgeous though, and I hoped that within the next few days I would get the chance to explore it properly. At the same time, it was easy to see that the people living in the city were not well off, and there were hardly any children to be seen anywhere. They'd probably been evacuated somewhere. At least, that's what I hoped.
At quarter to nine I arrived at Garcia Clinic, in the Barrio quarter. "Name?" the receptionist asked through a thick wad of gum.
"Uh, Lieutenant Jane Shepard," I said softly.
She looked me up and down. "What's a kid like you getting pregnant for?" she asked unsympathetically. "Are you even old enough to be getting your period?"
"No, it was an accident," I said. "You see, what happened was-,"
"Yeah yeah, you were bored on that ship, it was just a once-off thing, you swear," she snapped. "Who do you think you're talking to, kid?"
"You're so comforting," I snapped back.
She scowled at me. "Just so you're aware, this whole process will cost you ten million credits," she said. My mouth dropped open. "An ultrasound costs one million credits on its own," she said impatiently.
"I don't want an ultrasound," I said.
"That's the process, kid," she said. "An appointment with the social worker, an appointment with the doctor, and then another appointment with the social worker. Now, sit down and fill out this form. I have work to do."
I took the datapad from her and sat down. The form was quite long, and asked a host of uncomfortable questions, ranging from my sexual activity in the past few years to who the father was. I took the completed form back to the receptionist. "Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez will be out in a moment," she said.
"What, both of them?" I asked, attempting to lighten the mood. She glared at me.
I went back to the waiting room. A young gunner was also waiting there. She smiled nervously at me. On her other side was a young couple. The woman was heavily pregnant and clearly over the moon. I chewed the few fingernails I had left.
"Lieutenant Shepard," a man asked, coming into the waiting room.
"Over here," I said, standing up.
"Follow me, please," he said.
I followed him into a very comfortable-looking office with soft couches and cushions. "My name is Alberto Gonzalez-Gonzalez, and I am one of the social workers that work at this clinic," he said. "How are you doing today?"
"Oh pretty good," I said sarcastically. "I think I'm having a bad hair day though."
"This whole process must be pretty scary for you though," he said.
"I guess," I said. "Can we skip ahead to the confidentiality clause? I want this over and done with."
He smiled. "I take it you've seen social workers before," he said.
"Good guess," I said.
"May I ask what the reasons were for you seeing a social worker?"
"You may," I said genially. There was a pause. "Are you going to ask or not?" I snapped.
He sighed. "What were the circumstances of you seeing a social worker?" he asked patiently.
"The first time was when I was eight," I said. "My father was accused of child abuse and the social worker was preparing me for court. The second time was when I was sixteen. I'm still not sure why I had to see her." I paused, frowning. "Then I saw about three, no four, shrinks after I was almost diagnosed with PTSD a year ago."
"So you sort of know the process," he said.
"I guess," I said.
"Alright, well, I'll be doing a full biopsychosocial history," he said. "Let's start with family history."
The biopsychosocial history took close to an hour and a half, and I felt exhausted afterwards. Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez however still seemed in a buoyant mood. "I notice you didn't put in a father's name on the form," he said.
"Yup," I said. "He's not in the picture."
"Does he know you're pregnant?" Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez asked.
"Probably not," I said. "He's married and an asshole."
"Ah," he said. "Well, it's not good for you to go through this process on your own."
"I'm not," I said. "My social support just happened to be busy today. It's no big deal."
"Ok," he said. "So, what is the reason for you wanting to get an abortion?"
I sighed. "I don't want to answer that question," I said.
He studied me for a few moments. "No reason, no abortion," he said at last.
"What?" I asked in surprise. "You can't do that."
"I just did," he said. He leaned forward. "Look, this is a very emotional thing that you're wishing to do," he said. "Yet for some reason you're detached. I'm not sure you understand the enormity of what you are planning to do."
I closed my eyes. "Do you want to know the truth of the matter?" I asked quietly. "I kill people for a living. You can pretty it up as much as you want, but it's the truth. Now I never get the opportunity to really deal with that, and I have therefore put a façade up. But God help you if there is a crack in that wall, because then the floodgates will open. I can't do that right now. I have neither the courage nor the strength."
He studied me for a moment. "Don't you think that by keeping the baby, you'll have a way out of a job you hate?" he asked.
"I'm nineteen," I said.
"I've seen girls younger than you make it work," he said.
"I don't have anyone," I said. "Sure, I have a brother, but he's in Sur'Kesh. The army's the only place that I've felt accepted. If I lose that, I'm left with nothing."
"You'd have a child," he said.
I shook my head. "If I can't look after myself enough not to get pregnant, what are the chances of me being able to look after a baby?" I asked. "No, I'm having the abortion. I'll deal with the consequences, whatever they might be."
He looked at me for a long time. "Alright," he said at last. "You can wait in the waiting room. I'll see you again after you've been with the doctor."
…..
The happily pregnant couple had been replaced by a girl who looked like she wasn't a day over fifteen. A short woman dressed in a white coat came out of one of the examination rooms. "Lieutenant Jane Shepard?" she asked.
"Right here," I said.
"I am Dr Diez," she said. "If you'll follow me."
I followed her into the examination. "How are you doing?" she asked.
"Fantastic," I said sarcastically. "I just seem to have something growing inside of me."
"Alright then, there's no need for sarcasm," she said. "If you'll go behind the screen and put this gown on please?"
The examination was pretty much like any other physical I'd had since joining up. The one thing I had not prepared myself for though was the ultrasound, which showed a full colour picture of the foetus on the screen next to me. Its head was huge, and it looked oddly alien. I reached out and touched the screen before I could stop myself.
"It's a boy," Dr Diez said softly.
My son turned his head and stared straight at me. "Are you ok?" Dr Diez asked.
"Yes," I said in an emotionless voice. "Yes, I'm fine."
My face felt heavy with tears, but not a single one came out. "Well, everything looks normal," Dr Diez said. "The foetus is a bit on the small side, but you're quite tiny yourself. How tall is the father?"
"He's, um, he's about five foot seven," I said huskily.
"Yes, that's very small," she said. "Very well, Lieutenant Shepard, you can get changed, then wait in the waiting room again. Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez and I need to discuss the suitability of you terminating this pregnancy."
The receptionist brought me a cup of tea and a cookie whilst I waited. "You'll be alright," she told me.
"Thanks," I said. "I'm glad someone thinks so."
Eventually, Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez came out of his office. "Follow me," he said, his face expressionless.
He led me into his office, where Dr Diez was waiting. "Have a seat," he invited.
I sat down on the comfy couch. "In light of both your psychological evaluation and your medical evaluation, we have decided to grant you the right to abort your pregnancy," Dr Diez said. "Owing to your poor health and the fact that you are of a very small stature, I do not feel that you are physically able to carry for full-term without putting yourself to incredible risk. Furthermore, Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez has informed me that at this moment, you are also not emotionally capable of caring for an infant once it is born. However, we would also like to advise you to try harder not to get pregnant next time."
"I didn't do it on purpose," I said.
She didn't say anything. "Can you take it from here, Alberto?" she asked Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez.
"Yes," he said. "Thank you doctor."
She handed me a datapad. "This contains your prescription," she said. "Make an appointment with Dayma for tomorrow morning."
"Right," I said. "Thanks."
"See you tomorrow," she said, and left.
"How do you feel?" Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez asked, turning to me.
I shrugged. "I don't feel anything," I said.
He nodded. "That prescription is for misoprostol augmentus," he said. "You need to take it tonight. It will induce labour, and cause you to bleed. It'll probably cause some cramping as well. Do you use tampons or sanitary pads when you have your period?"
"Tampons," I said.
"You might want to get pads," he said. "They tend to be more comfortable when you're bleeding like this. Now, if you start feeling nausea or excessive cramping, you need to go to the hospital immediately. Tomorrow, when you come for your appointment, the doctor will do a womb scraping, to make sure nothing's been left behind. She'll stick a very thin rod through your cervix and use it to scrape your uterus." He saw my expression. "Don't worry, Dr Diez is very well trained. She knows what she's doing. We will be using a local anaesthetic, so you won't feel a thing."
"Is that it?" I asked.
"Yes," Mr Gonzalez-Gonzalez said.
"Great." I got up. "Thanks for your time."
"Lieutenant Shepard," he said. "Sorry, one moment. Will you have someone with you tomorrow?"
I shook my head. "My…colleague, she's working again tomorrow," I said.
"Alright, then," he said. "Be safe."
…..
It was just gone one when I left the clinic. After buying myself an egg-free taco from a vendor for my lunch, I tried to decide what I wanted to do next. It was clear that the civilians' reaction to soldiers was remarkably similar to those in London, and I found myself hating them. I hated every one of them, from the little old lady selling fried fish at the side of the road, the children playing in the school yard. The only ones I felt any sympathy for was a group of Alliance soldiers who were staggering down the road. They at least understood what it was like.
When I came to a bar, I decided to go in. I left again after six hours and way too many shots of tequila. I was actually pretty impressed that I found my way back to the hotel that we were staying at. I was after all in a strange city and dead drunk.
Back in the room I was sharing with Maya, I locked myself into the bathroom and put the bottle of pills I had gotten from the clinic on the counter and stared at it for a long time. You can never know which choice is the right one until it's too late, and I knew that one way or another, my life would be changing forever. I poured myself a glass of water and shook the three pills out into my hand. "I'm sorry," I whispered. I put the pills in my mouth and drained the glass. Then I put in a tampon and went into the lounge area to watch the news.
…..
I must have fallen asleep on the couch in front of the TV, for I woke up to the sound of voices behind me. "That was fun, ladies," Zaeed was saying.
"Yeah Masaad, it was especially fun watching you take that girl out back," Joey said, sounding disgruntled. "How old was she anyway, fifteen?"
"What do you care, Carboletti?" Zaeed snapped. "You're having it away with Shepard every other night."
"That's different," Joey said. "We're both adults. Besides, she's broken it off with me."
"Oh," Ismaeel said. "That sucks."
"Has anyone else noticed that something's up with Shepard though?" Terrence asked. "When she first started with us, she was making jokes left right and centre. Now she's all depressed. It's sad."
"I remember her at Del Sol," Nina said. "Whilst not exactly sane, she was never as bad as this."
I realised that they had no idea I was on the couch. The room was dimly lit and I was small enough that they couldn't see me from where they were standing.
"You could be right, van Richte," Terrence said excitedly. "One in four marines have a nervous breakdown before they've served two years in the Alliance."
"Maybe she'll be dishonourably discharged," Nkosi said, sounding hopeful.
"Maybe she'll be locked up," Zaeed said.
"I wonder what's up with her though," Ismaeel said. "Perhaps Admiral Hackett did something to her."
"Perhaps it's none of our business what's up with Shep," Kasuumi's voice sounded.
There was a pause. "Holy shit Dranne, you know what's wrong with Shep," Nkosi said.
I held my breath. "No I don't," Kasuumi said quickly.
"You do, you do, you do," Zaeed cried. "Come on, sexy, what have you heard whilst floating invisibly around?"
"Nothing," Kasuumi snapped. There was a pause. "I'm not lying," she shouted, in response to something Maya had said, I guessed.
"Ok, you're not," Nina said placatory. "Calm your bones."
"Ugh," Kasuumi groaned. "I'm going to bed. See you guys tomorrow."
"Good idea," Nina yawned. "Sleep well everyone."
The sound of footsteps faded away. I counted to a hundred before going back to my room. Maya was busy putting something in her cupboard. "Ma'am," she signed. She saw my face. "Is everything alright?" she asked.
I hesitated, then went over to her and put my arms around her. After a pause, she hugged me back.
"Good night," I said, stepping back.
She nodded.
…..
Kaidan and I had arranged to meet in a Mexican restaurant called Anita's. He had already gotten us a table near the window by the time I arrived. He smiled when he saw me. "Janey, hey," he said, getting up and kissing me on the cheek.
"Hey Kaidan," I said. I hugged my arms tightly around him. "I missed you."
"I missed you too," he said. "You're pale, are you ok?"
"I recently had pneumonia," I said. "I'm fine."
At that moment Anita appeared. "Lieutenant Shepard and Chief Alenko in my restaurant," she squealed. "I'll get a bottle of tequila, on the house."
"Um, I'm not in the mood for drinking," I said. I forced a smile. "Still recovering from last night to be honest. I'll have a cola."
"I'll have a beer," Kaidan said. "We'll order our food in a moment." Anita nodded and left.
"So how've you been?" Kaidan asked, turning to me.
I shrugged. "Pretty shitty thanks," I said. "We've been getting deployed a lot. But I haven't done nearly as badly as I expected I would. What's it like being famous?"
"Awful," Kaidan said, scowling. "I can't blow my nose without the galaxy knowing about it. I don't know how you can stand it."
"You get used to it," I said dryly.
Anita arrived with my cola and Kaidan's beer. We ordered our food. "Are you sure you're ok?" Kaidan asked, studying me over his glass.
"I-," I began, feeling close to tears.
"Jane, what is it?" Kaidan asked in alarm.
"I'm not sure how to say this," I murmured.
"Oh Christ, I've been expecting this," Kaidan mumbled. "Alright, hit me with it, Jane."
"It's not that I don't…care for you, I do," I said. "I just can't stand being apart from you. It hurts me too much. I see you once, maybe twice a year."
"I know," Kaidan said.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Yeah," Kaidan said. "Would it change anything if I told you that I love you and have not been with another woman since we got together?"
I thought about this. "Probably just depress me all the more," I said at last.
He smiled grimly. "Then I love you and I haven't been with another woman since we got together," he said.
"Thanks for that," I said. "You know what the really sucky thing about this whole thing is?"
"You breaking my heart?" Kaidan asked, a touch of irony in his voice.
"Apart from that," I said. "You, me and Ash were really good friends. Now that's gone, and we'll never have it back."
"We can still be friends," Kaidan said.
I sighed. "Do you really believe that Kaidan?" I asked.
He lowered his eyes. "No," he said. "I don't." He got up. "Look after yourself, Lieutenant."
"You too, Operations Chief," I said.
…..
I ate all the food we'd ordered. It hurt my already-tender stomach to do so, but in a strange way it felt good. Outside, as I started walking, a woman stopped me. "Pardon me soldier," she said, grabbing my arm.
I turned to her. "What can I do for you, ma'am?" I asked.
She spat in my face. "That's for my daughter," she said coldly.
I took a deep breath. "Will that be all?" I asked calmly. Not waiting for a reply, I pulled my arm free of her grasp and walked blindly back to the hotel.
…..
About two weeks later, after a long day of evacuating the outskirts of Elysium, Company Six was watching the news in the rec room. We were slowly but surely losing our hold of the town, but the news was full of positive reports about how we were doing well against the batarians.
"I'm glad we're actually doing well against the batarians and that today was really just a figment of my imagination," Kasuumi said.
"Alright Dranne," Commander Jupiter said.
"Did you know the average private entering the war survives for only five days?" Terrence asked.
"That's a cheering statistic," I said. "Do you have any positive news?"
"There are theorists that say that time is cyclical-," he began.
"Nobody cares, Brown," Carlotta mumbled.
Seaman Apprentice Hafel walked. "Lieutenant Shepard," he said. "Admiral Hackett wishes for you to report to his quarters."
I'd been avoiding Admiral Hackett as much as possible. He must have realised that something was up, for he had not asked me up to his cabin since before shore leave.
I looked up at him. "Tell Admiral Hackett that if he has need of me, he needs to come fetch me himself," I said clearly.
There was a loud intake of breath from Lieutenant Jupiter. "I-what?" Seaman Apprentice Hafel asked, clearly not used to having to relay that kind of message.
"You heard me," I said. "Now vanish. Chop chop."
He left the room again.
"This is only going to lead to trouble," Carlotta told me quietly.
"That's what I'm hoping for," I said.
She considered me. "Can I get your datapad when you die?" she asked.
"Why not?" I asked. "Can we change to three fifty two? The Smartest Species in the Galaxy is showing."
Five minutes later the door was flung open and an irate-looking Admiral Hackett stepped into the room.
"Shepard, upstairs, now," he barked.
I settled myself deeper into the sofa. "No," I said calmly.
"I-what do you mean no?" he asked, sounding shocked. There were loud gasps from my squad mates.
"I mean no," I said. "It's a two letter word. In protha you say frerya, turian you say luzt, in asari you say keyra and in salarian you say frothniskerye. Shall I continue?"
"I'm your superior officer," he spluttered. "If you don't follow my order, I'll have you court marshalled."
"It's been a while since I finished basic, but I somehow don't remember sleeping with you being among the list of standard duties," I said.
He breathed heavily through his nose. "Fine," he snapped. "Sobana."
Nkosi hesitated, looked from my face, and then at his. Finally she got up.
"No," Commander Jupiter said forcefully. "Nkosi, sit down. Now." She got to her feet and moved to stand in front of Admiral Hackett. "Admiral, if you touch any of my girls ever again, I swear to whoever controls our destiny I will have you before the rest of the Joint Military Council on charges of gross misuse of power and fraternisation. That's a promise." She leaned closer to him. "I keep my promises," she whispered.
He glared at all of us, then turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Commander Jupiter sat down next to her brother. "Why the hell are we watching this crap?" she snapped.
…..
Author's note
As I said above, the topic of termination of pregnancy is a thorny one. Everyone has a different opinion on the matter. What happens in this chapter does not necessarily reflect my opinion either, but as a writer (even a fanfiction writer) I need to be authentic to my characters. The idea for this chapter came quite naturally for me, and will play a big role in Jane's future decisions. Finally, apologies to all Shepenko shippers, as that ship has sadly sailed.
Peace, love and oranges,
Charlie
