Ch. 9- A Well Kept Secret
Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
you were the last good thing about this part of town.
Grand Theft Autumn (Where Is Your Boy)- Fallout Boy
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I had told Zoey about the fight, but I hadn't told her that I was going to follow them. She seemed to be indifferent to the whole thing. I couldn't understand why, but pushed it to the back of my mind to worry about later. Sunday night rolled around and I was in the Common Room, waiting in the shadows of a corner for the boys to emerge from their dorm. I knew they wouldn't be staying up there- not when they would have a perfect opportunity to cause chaos and mayhem.
And sure enough, around eleven, they came creeping down the stairs. As they walked across the Common Room something seemed off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it…one of them was missing! Remus wasn't with them. This confused me because Sirius had said that all of them were having 'boy's night'. I frowned, but kept my eyes glued on the three remaining Marauders. Then, without warning, they vanished. I knew they couldn't apparate, so how…
The portrait of the Fat Lady swung forward on its own accord and then it clicked- one of them had an invisibility cloak. I followed them out of the portrait hole and along the hallway. It was hard trying to keep up because I knew they were trying to keep quiet and I was afraid that I would walk right into one of them. Every once in a while they would shuffle a little too loudly or shush one another. From the way they were going, it seemed like they were going out to the grounds.
On the second floor, just before the marble staircase I got separated from the boys. Peeves was coming along the corridor, humming crudely to himself, and I had to duck inside a classroom. I cursed under my breath, hoping that he would pass quickly so I wouldn't get too far behind the boys. But I had no luck- Peeves had decided that he wanted to deface the suits of armor and so I was stuck.
Finally, after what had to have been half an hour, Peeves swooped away, cackling madly. I slipped out of the classroom and continued until I came to the front doors. They were unlocked, so I knew the Marauders had come this way, but I had no idea what they were doing out there. I opened the doors a creak and stepped outside. I made my way down the stone steps, breathing in the cold night air. I started to walk across the moonlit grounds, hoping to catch a glimpse of one of them.
And then, when I was coming upon the forest, something caught my eye- there were three figures prowling towards it. Two of the figures were huge and on either side of the other figure, as though escorting it. I watched them, curious about their behavior; they seemed almost human. I walked towards them, completely forgetting Sirius for a minute. The closer I got the more I could make them out- there was a beautiful stag, a black bear-like dog, and in between them…a wolf.
I stopped in my tracks, still a safe distance away, staring at the wolf, who had turned towards me. I saw that it wasn't just a wolf- it was a werewolf. He moved so suddenly that the other two didn't have time to react. He broke away from them and started at me, gathering speed. For a second all I could do was watch and then my brain kicked in. I turned and ran as fast I could, adrenaline pumping furiously through my body. I could hear the wolf behind me, getting closer and closer. My legs were starting to cramp up and my breathing was ragged and shallow- I didn't think I could keep up much longer.
Then, out of nowhere, something bowled me over and out of the path of the wolf. The wind was knocked out of me as I landed on my back. I looked up, trying to catch my breath, and saw the stag battling with the wolf. The stag bucked the wolf in the face; with a terrible howl of pain, the wolf took after the stag, back into the forest. That meant the dog had knocked me out of the way. I laid my head back down and closed my eyes.
Then I felt something clamp onto my robes and drag me backwards, away from the forest. It didn't let go until we were half way back to the castle. I stood up, heart still racing, and took a couple of deep breaths. When I turned back to the dog, though, I found Sirius standing there…and he was livid.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked furiously.
"Where did you come from?" I asked confused. "There was dog, Sirius, and he-"
"Addi, I'm not going to ask you again- what are you doing out here?" He cut me off, stepping closer. I looked into his eyes and saw the raw rage and anger. "You could have been bitten- or worse, killed!"
"I didn't know there was a werewolf out here. I was following…you," I finished weakly as he glared at me.
"You need to think before you just come out on the grounds and decide to wander into the forest!" He exclaimed as though he were talked to a child. "You can't just go in there by yourself- it's dangerous!"
"Well, what about you?" I countered, incensed. "I know that you guys come out here all the time. Hell, you probably knew that the wolf was out here! How can you tell me not to come out here when you're out here yourself! Where are James and Peter?"
"That doesn't matter- it's different for us," He said waving it off. "We know how to handle ourselves. But Addi, you don't."
"Answer my question, Sirius. Where are James and Peter? I know they came out with you." I said standing my ground. "In fact, where's Remus? I didn't see him at all."
"Addi, don't worry about it- just go back inside and stay there!" He said pushing me towards the castle. I was on the verge of turning and going back when something clicked into place.
"Sirius, where did that dog go?" I asked crossing my arms. "And where did you come from?"
"Addi-"
"You were that dog, weren't you?" I said and he didn't say anything. "How long?"
"Addi," He started, but I cut him off.
"How long, Sirius?"
"Two years," He sighed looking away from me.
"Why?" I asked still confused.
"To help a friend," He said simply. I was about to retort, when I stopped to think about it for a second. Remus did disappear a lot and he hadn't been with the guys tonight, so that must've meant-
"Remus is the wolf, isn't he?" I asked quietly, but I didn't need Sirius to tell me. "Is that why he and Zoey…"
"Yes, Remus couldn't bring himself to go out with her unless she knew the whole truth," Sirius said sharply. "She didn't exactly take it too well, but she came around eventually. At least she kept her promise- she didn't tell anyone, even you. I was kind of worried she would."
"But how did you guys become animagi?" I pressed on, still trying to wrap my mind around what I was hearing.
"Well, it wasn't easy, let me tell ya, but it took us about three years. We found out about Remus second year and worked our bloody arses off until we got it." Sirius said. "But that's not the point here. The point is that you are completely insane! Why were you following us?" The anger had returned to his voice.
"Look, you wouldn't tell me what you were doing. You couldn't give me an explanation," I replied with a slight shrug. "Sirius, you could have told me the truth, I would have understood. I wouldn't have told anyone, if that's what you're worried about. I thought we trusted each other."
"I do trust you, Addi, it's just that it wasn't my secret to tell," He said shaking his head as though he couldn't believe me. "Just do me a favor right now- go back to the castle, back to the tower, and stay there. We'll talk about this tomorrow. I have to get back."
"Wait, you're staying out here?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, I can't leave James and Peter to keep Remus in check by themselves. Peter's a rat, so he's not much help if Remus starts to act up." Sirius said nodding. "Go back to the castle, Addi."
Then, without waiting for an answer he turned, and transforming, ran back to the forest. I stood there, the cold night air ripping at my clothes, staring after him. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like forever.
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"Addi! Where have you been? You never came up last night," Zoey exclaimed when I walked into the Great Hall the next morning. "Merlin, you look awful."
I plopped into the seat next to her and poured myself some pumpkin juice. I hadn't gone back to the castle, like Sirius told me to. Instead, I sat under the beech tree, staring out at the lake and listening to Remus howl until the sky began to lighten. I thought about everything I had found out and what it meant. I fell asleep for a couple of hours before I got up and made my way to breakfast. I knew I looked worse for the wear and I felt disgusting. My robes were ripped in several places, my hair had dirt and leaves and Merlin knows what else in it, and I'm pretty sure I smelled like dog slobber and murky water.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically, my mouth dry and my voice cracking slightly. "I was outside last night, if you must know."
"Why were you outside?" She asked her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
"I followed Sirius to see what he was really up to," I said with a shrug. "And well, at least I know he's not cheating." I added bitterly.
"Oh Merlin, last night was full moon, wasn't it?" She asked and I nodded dully. "Addi, are you insane?"
"Don't you start, I've already had a row about it with Sirius and I'm sure he'll start another one as soon as he gets down here." I said sharply, glaring at her. "I sort of was chased by Remus and Sirius, well, saved me. Then he started yelling at me about how stupid I am and how I could've been killed."
"He's got a point," She said and I looked at her. "What? He does; you can't just wander around the grounds at night, it's not safe."
"I told you not to start," I said firmly and she fell silent. "Listen, I'm going to go get a shower and clean up. I'll probably miss History of Magic, but it's not like that will be a waste or anything."
"Alright, so I'll see you in Charms, then," She said and I nodded.
I made my way to the Entrance Hall, aware of people staring at me. I didn't spare any of them a glance, though. I was too exhausted to put up any effort. I was anxious that I would meet Sirius on the way back up, but I didn't bump into him until I climbed through the portrait hole. He was sitting on one of the couches, obviously waiting for me.
"Addi! Where were you?" He asked looking confused that I hadn't come down from the dorms. "Lily said you weren't up yet."
"No, I never came back up," I said off-handedly, knowing he would get mad. But I didn't really care.
"Why not? I thought I told you-"
"You don't control me," I snapped, cutting him off. "I wasn't going to come back up just because you told me to."
"It was for your own protection!" He exclaimed temper flaring up. "Addi, in case you took one to the head, let me remind you that you were almost a snack for Remus last night," He added in a furious whisper.
"I can handle myself," I said, although we both knew that wasn't entirely true. "Besides, I made sure to stay away from the forest. I sat under the beech tree by the lake."
"How could you be so reckless?" He asked angrily. "I know I may be reckless at times, but at least I know the difference between harmless and dangerous recklessness. You don't seem to distinguish between the two."
"You think I don't know that? Yes, last night I was reckless, but you have no right to lecture me about it. You guys are always doing things that could get you killed!" I yelled at him, letting loose all of my anger. "Don't you dare stand there and tell me that I don't know the difference. I know it more than you could ever imagine! Recklessness is what killed my brother…I watched him destroy his life by making reckless decisions! Joining Voldemort and killing muggles just for sport. I'm not an idiot, I know how the world works," I added trying to keep the flood of tears from spilling down my cheeks.
"Addi, keep you voice down," He hissed, glancing around at the few second years watching us curiously. "Bugger off- there's nothing to see here," He barked at them and they sped up immediately.
"Look, maybe we should take a break and cool down for couple of days." I said trying to compose myself.
"You're breaking up with me?" He asked quickly, looking at me uncertainly.
"I dunno…I just need some time to work through all of this." I said shaking my head. And with that I turned my back on him and went up to the dorm.
I took a long shower, washing away everything that had happened. I just stood there, letting the water flow over me. After what seemed like ages, I stepped out and got dressed. I checked the clock and saw that I had just enough time to make it to Charms.
"Feel better?" Zoey asked as I sat down next to her.
"Not really, but I'll get over it," I replied with a shrug.
I glanced over at Sirius, who was listening intently to something that James was saying. I sighed and turned back around as Flitwick began the lesson. I didn't really pay attention; I was too preoccupied with this whole ordeal. I didn't have a problem with Remus being a werewolf, I really didn't. It had more to do with the fact that Sirius had kept it from me. And while I understood why he did, there was still that stabbing disappointment and hurt. And I couldn't understand why it was there. I had never felt like this before. Not when my parents had openly talked about me like I wasn't there, not when my brother stopped being my brother, and not even when Roger had cheated. So why was Sirius so different? What made him so special?
And it was at that moment, right in the middle Charms, that it hit me. The one thing that would be the undoing of everything I had worked so hard to achieve had happened.
I had fallen in love with Sirius Black.
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I didn't talk to Sirius for the rest of the week. Part of me was just too embarrassed, but another part- the bigger part- just didn't know how to approach him or what to say. He refused to look at me any more than necessary and it killed me. I hadn't talked to Zoey about any of what I was feeling- I couldn't. This new found revelation that I was in love with Sirius would ruin the entire plan and I couldn't let that happened. I had vowed to go through with it and by Merlin I would. But first I had to make up with Sirius.
"Hey there," I said softly finding him in the Astronomy tower on Saturday night.
"How did you find me?" He asked not even sparing me a glance. I took a few steps towards him, so that we were about ten feet apart.
"Looked everywhere else," I replied shrugging. "I need to talk to you."
"Addi, if it's about Remus I understand if you can't accept that he's a werewolf," He interrupted, now turning to look at me. "But I won't let you stop me from helping him. I'd hate to have to choose, but if you're going to make me, I'll tell you right now I'll pick Remus over you." He added and I stood there slacked mouthed.
"You really think that I would give you that ultimatum?" I asked finally. "I would never make you pick between me and one your mates- especially one your best mates. Honestly, Sirius, you should give me a little more credit than that." I added, offended that he would even think that I could be that unforgiving.
"Look, I'm sorry, but you haven't said a word to me all week since our row on Monday morning and I guess I just took that to mean the worst," He said with a sigh.
"I wanted to tell you that I don't care if Remus is a werewolf or that you're an animagus," I said defensively. "All that matters is that I care about you. But since you obviously think that I would be so cold-hearted as to make you choose, maybe I was wrong about us."
"Stop being so dramatic," He snapped impatiently. I opened my mouth to retort, realized he was right, and promptly shut it again.
"Fine." I said shortly. "So where does this leave us?"
"I dunno, Addi, I really dunno." He said shaking his head and he turned back to the balcony. "This fight has made me think a lot about us."
"Me too." I said quietly, not moving from my spot. "It's put a lot of things into perspective for me and made me realize quite a few things that I've been trying to ignore for while."
"Like what?" He asked with a dry laugh. "That you should break up with me because I kept things from you. Now you can add me to the list of bastards that have taught you that love isn't real, right?" He added bitterly. I knew I deserved it, but it still hurt.
"Actually, what I realized was," I paused wondering briefly if I should even tell him, "I love you." I blurted out before I could stop myself.
"Excuse me?" He said turning around sharply.
"I l-love you," I repeated, stuttering slightly.
"You do?"
"Yes, I really do," I said nodding. He stood there staring at me, mouth open slightly in surprise. "Well, that's all, I suppose. So, I'll just be going now," I said breaking the tense silence that had settled between us. I turned and was halfway back to the door when I heard his voice behind me.
"I love you, too."
I stopped, still facing the doors. I didn't want to turn around, in case I had just imagined it. For a minute it seemed as if time was standing still.
"Addi? Are you okay?" Sirius asked softly, his voice closer than it had been just a minute ago. I turned and found myself face to face with him, my breath catching in my chest.
"I-I'm fine," I said breathlessly, clearing my throat. "Is that, er, all?" I asked breaking eye contact and taking a step back. For some reason I was feeling extremely self-conscious and awkward- two things I never felt. Especially around Sirius, I thought.
"I guess so," He said his face melting into confusion. I sighed, nodded, and turned back around. I hadn't gone more than five steps when I was spun back around and face to face with him again. "Scratch that, no it's not."
"It's not?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"No, at least I hope not." He said softly and I could feel his warm breath on my face. "This has been the worst week of my life, to tell you the truth. With you not talking to me and having to keep it from Remus the real reason we've been fighting has been exhausting."
"You didn't tell him what happened?" I asked looking up at him. "Why not?"
"You kidding? He'd probably kill himself from the guilt," Sirius said shaking his head. "That's always been his worst fear, attacking someone. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him that."
"I understand," I said smiling sadly. "So where does all of this leave us? Are we still together or are we taking a break or…" I trailed off, and he looked at me thoughtfully for a minute.
"I'm not going to lie to you, Addi, this relationship hasn't been easy- we fight about everything constantly, we're both stubborn and short tempered, and quite frankly I don't think that makes a brilliant combination," He said finally and I let my head drop; I should have known that I had pushed him too far this time. "But, I also think that you are the best thing that has happened to me. I've never felt this way about anyone else, I really haven't. I'd rather spend my time fighting with you than snogging all the girls in Hogwarts put together." He added, tilting my chin up so that I had to look at him.
I didn't say anything- I didn't need to. Sirius ducked his head and brushed my lips softly with his before wrapping me in a tight embrace. As I stood there, encased in his arms, I considered telling him about the plan. The words were on my lips, ready to come out, but for some reason I couldn't form them. While part of me wanted nothing more than to confess everything and stop this charade so that I could have a real relationship with him, another part of me still wanted to taste that sweet revenge. That part of me was growling with fury at the very thought of turning back now and that was the part of me that was dictating my actions. It was whispering in my ear the instructions I needed to keep going with the plan and going soft now was not an option. If I quit now then everything I'd been working towards with Zoey would be a complete and utter waste.
I was a torn soul, having to choose between what my mind told me I had to do and what my heart wanted to do. I had fallen into the very trap I'd sworn not to and now it was too late- I was in way over my head.
So I did the only thing I could: hugged Sirius back and told myself to get a grip. The only way to win was to separate my heart from my revenge…and to crush the only chance I might have to be proven wrong about love.
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A/N: so there you are- she knows about Remus' furry little problem now...oh, and for those of you who have been reading Bloody Brilliant- I swear that I haven't given up on that story, I've just been taking a little break. Partly to finish this story up and partly because I wasn't sure if I liked it the way it was, but I PROMISE that I will be working on that one soon!! anyways, there's a button at the bottom that says "review" and it would be so lovely of you all if you did:p
