MickieMelina4Eva- No I don't think you have ever left me a review but better late than never right? Lol. I just don't think that Spencer is ready to talk about her family just yet or is she? Thanks for the review.
Elly1212- Thanks for the review. I totally understand where you are coming from about Ashley's reaction. I wouldn't know what to do either but there is a perfectly good reason for the way that she reacted and it just might shock you.
...Voice- I loved your review and I am glad that you love the story. I am defiantly going to pick through your mind more often because you have great ideas! Thanks bunches!
Domino lavendel- I love how sweet Ashley and Glen are to Spencer also. Thanks for the review!
SoSadSoHappy- Thanks!
Chillsfoxy, domino lavendel, nightwish fan, Stacy8807, IhEaRtSpAsHlEy, honesteyes12, charleyc, NikyL- Thanks for the favorites and alerts!
Okay guys here is the next Chapter! Enjoy!
Breathe Me
It has been three months since I met Ashley Davies. We have been inseparable since Glen's basketball game. It is so nice to finally have some one to talk to other than Glen. I haven't had a real friend since I moved out here. I still haven't told her about the accident yet. I have wanted to tell her so many times but once it's out there I can't take it back. I don't want things to change between us or for her to look at me differently. I don't want anyone's pity. I just like that when I'm with her nothing else matters and I can forget everything that's happened if only for a little while. Glen sitting next to me on the couch interrupts my inner musings.
"Hey what's up Spence?"
I sigh heavily before I reply "Nothing much. Just thinking"
"What are you thinking about?"
"I think… I think that I might be ready to tell Ash about the accident."
We sit in silence for a while before Glen finally speaks. "Are you sure about this?"
"Maybe? Yes? No? I don't know….but I do know one thing. Ashley is the closest thing I've had to a best friend since I moved out here. I can't risk losing her just because I am afraid to relive that night all over again. I mean I relive that night every single time I sleep or close my eyes. I just think she deserves to know. I don't know maybe she will be able to help me cope with it."
Glen looks at me with this knowing look. "Is that the only reason you want to tell her?"
Okay he has totally lost me. What is he even talking about? Why else would I want to tell her? I guess he takes my silence and confused look as his sign to continue.
"I mean come on Spence. You cant think that I am that stupid. I've seen you two together and it is obvious that you like each other."
I immediately jump up and turn on him. "What? Where is this even coming from."
" I don't know…. I guess I see the way she looks at you. Like you are the most precious thing in the world. I also see the way you look at her. Like she is your life raft and is the only thing keeping you from drowning."
I take a minute to think of what he has just said. Do I have feelings for her? I start to think about her chocolate brown eyes and how they reflect every emotion she is feeling. I think about how her smiles make me forget my own name or what I was about to say. I think of how I don't have to think around her. I can just be myself. My head is spinning right now with all this new information and emotions. I am so preoccupied with my thoughts that I almost don't see Glen getting ready to leave.
"And where do you think your going? You can't just leave me here after telling me something like that."
" I promised Madison that we would hang out tonight...after I go see dad at the hospital."
"Oh"
Glen walks over to me and gives me a reassuring hug. " You know it would be great if you would come with me"
I pull away from him and give him a pleading look begging him not to
bring it up. " Glen...I'm not going to talk about this right now"
Glen shrinks back as if I have physically slapped him. I can see tears welling up in his eyes and his face turning red. A clear sign that he is totally pissed off right now. " if not now then when Spence? You
never want to talk about it. I mean did you forget the reason that we moved out here? You haven't seen dad in TWO YEARS! I go to see him every week. Look I understand that it may be hard but-"
I quickly cut him off and stand up livid. " Are you fucking serious right now? You have no fucking idea what I have to go through everyday. The guilt that I carry around or how I hide behind a mask day in and day out to spare you the guilt and hurt. I'm the reason that mom is dead. I'm the reason that our father is in some hospital bed like a fucking vegetable. So don't fucking tell me you understand because you don't understand shit! There is no way I'm going to sit here and let you guilt trip me because I get enough of it from myself as it is!" I hysterically yell. I am so mad right now that I can't even cry.
There is complete silence in the room. We are both hurt and angry. I hate that I just attacked Glen like that but its like I just snapped. He was basically throwing the fact that I haven't seen dad in my face. I know I should go see him but I'm just not ready. Glen sighing makes me look up at him.
"Look we have both said some things that we didn't mean. I'm sorry for bringing up dad. That really wasn't my place. We both need time to cool off so I'm going to stay at Madison's. If you need anything just call me." The next thing I here is the door slamming and then I'm left alone. As soon as I hear Glen pull away I finally break down and cry. I don't know how I even have tears left after all these years. All that I know is I cant be alone right now. I don't really trust myself being alone. So I search for my phone and decide to call Ashley. It rings a few times before I here her lovely voice.
"Hey you"
"Hey Ash"
"What's wrong Spence? You sound like you have been crying."
"Glen and I just got into a fight. Do you think you could come over?"
"Sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Thanks Ash" I quickly hang up the phone and wait for her to get here.
About 20 minutes later I hear a knock at the door. I frantically wipe at my face to remove any remaining tears and check my reflection before opening the door to reveal a concerned Ashley. I step aside to let her in. She has movies in one hand and a bag of junk food in the other. She quickly put everything down and engulfs me in a big bear hug. I bury my face into her neck and sigh contently. She then reluctantly pulls away to look me in the eyes.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?"
"Glen and I got into a fight and it got pretty intense."
"May I ask what it was about?"
"Just family stuff"
"Oh. Ummmm…..where is Glen anyway?"
"He decided to stay at Madison's tonight."
"Are they like together?"
"Yeah they just started dating"
"Well okay enough with the heavy. I brought movies and snacks. You sounded so down on the phone that I thought that I would cheer you up!"
"Thanks Ash. What movies did you bring?"
"Well I have 10 Things I Hate About You, The Hangover, and Superbad. I figured you needed a good laugh. So which movie do you want to look at first?"
"uuummmm….. I think I'll start with 10 Things I Hate About You."
"Nice Choice. Julia Stiles' vapidness made her totally hot in this movie."
"I couldn't agree more"
We are now halfway into Superbad when I notice how close Ashley and I have gotten. My head is on her shoulder and I am practically sitting in her lap. I don't think she minds though. Every now and then I can hear her contently sigh before she snuggles more into me. I love moments like these. Where we can just be without thinking and analyzing anything. It's like her and I have created this little bubble around us and nothing else matters. I shift in her lap to get more comfortable and lay my head in the crook of her neck. She stiffens before relaxing and putting her hands around me.
"Spence?"
"Yea?" I look up at her and see fear in her eyes. It kind of scares me a little.
"I-I have t-to tell you something." she stutters out. Why is she so nervous right now? Did I do something wrong?
"You can tell me anything Ash."
Just as she is about to speak again her phone rings. She quickly grabs it and looks at the caller id. "I'm sorry I have to take this. It will just take a second." I nod and watch her walk out of the room. After a few minutes I decide to get a blanket from my room before she gets back. The closer I get to my room I can hear Ashley talking. Once I make it to my doorway I can see Ashley turned around looking out my window. Her back is to me so she doesn't know that I'm here. It seems like she is upset about something. I listen in to see what is going on.
"What do you want me to do? I didn't mean to fall for her so fast. You knew how I felt about her when you asked me to do this. I'm not going to pressure her to talk about the accident if she doesn't want to. It is so hard to lie to her all the time and pretend like I don't know about the accident. So you know what I quit."
She closes her phone and turns around. When she sees me in the doorway with tears in my eyes she freezes. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough"
She takes a step towards me but I stop her. "Look Spence I can explain"
"You knew this entire time and you didn't tell me? How could you do that?"
"I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I would have lost my job."
"So you lie to me instead? You know what just get out."
"Spence just let me explain."
"Get the fuck out." I yell at her. She looks like she wants to say something but decides against it. I am so mad right now that I am practically shaking. Once I hear the front door slam shut for the second time today I collapse to the floor in deep sobs. After a while I get up and turn on the radio to drown out the silence. Breathe Me blasts through the speakers as I sit against my dresser and cry.
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
I bang my head against my dresser and a small box falls beside me. I would recognize that box anywhere. It is the box that contains my safe haven. The razors that I once used to give me release.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I take the leather wristband off and look at the nearly healed cuts. I haven't cut myself in three months. Ashley had turned into my new release until now. The thought of her brings hot fresh new tears to my eyes.
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
I reach over and grab a razor from the box. As I bring the razor up to my wrist I think about all the people I have ever hurt. I think about how much better everyone's life would be without me in it. " I am so sorry mom and dad that I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I love you."
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
As I slit both of my wrists I think of how this is the last time I'll feel pain and a smile comes to my face. No more pain. I watch as the blood pours from my wrists. Sorry falls from my lips as my breathing becomes shallow. The last thing I hear is the sultry sound of Sia's voice before I blackout.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Well how did you like the new update? Please everyone don't jump me at once. Everything will be explained in the next chapter. I will try to update sometime this week before I have surgery. So please review. I love them. Thanks! The song used in this chapter is Breathe Me by Sia.
