Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Erin and Jay work on surviving her pregnancy while still apart. They only have a handful of months left to sort out their relationship and their expectations for their careers and future as a family. Set in the Interesting Dynamics AU and post-S4 finale.
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes, Aftermath, So It Goes, The Way From Here (including chapters/scenes in So It Goes that have not yet been written or posted), Hereafter, and Onward Thankfully. This series also contains SPOILERS related to SEASON 5 of Chicago PD.
Hank pulled his eyes away from his fixated stare on Erin and Magoo as Jay arranged himself on the opposite side of the picnic table from him. He allowed the guy a little grunt. Some acknowledgement and let his eyes drift over to where he'd last seen the guy – over with his daughter-in-law and grandson.
Jay reached and placed a few plastic eggs in the middle of the table. "Henry's got a better eye than the kids on the hunt," he said.
Hank allowed a little snort at that. "Think the three of you gave him a good practice run there this morning," he said.
They had. Erin and Olive and Jay had done up a more than nice little egg hunt for his grandson in the townhouse. Spoiled him a little. But that was about par for the course. Guilt about the things you couldn't fix usually sent you trying to fix them in ways that didn't fix much of anything. But it'd still been some fun to watch the little guy dash around with his bucket in the house spotting the things. Shaking at them like crazy and throwing some minor tantrums when some of them were harder to get popped open than others.
Brought back a lot of memories. Of both of his boys as little guys. The things Camille did for them. To spoil them some and to make days like this just a little bit more special than the day-to-day. To create those memories. Ones that sometimes he thought stuck with you more as parents than ever stuck with the kids. The kids could only ever really remember so much from when they were that age.
Bitter sweet. Days like today. Always sent you thinking a little too much. Reflecting a little too much. Missing her. The past. The family they were or had been. In the good times. Easy to romanticize it anymore. A long time ago. Now. But still … wouldn't have traded it. Those years. Any of them. All the ups and downs. Of life, marriage, parenthood.
He reached and shook at one of the eggs. Gave Jay a bit of a look and then cracked it open.
"Olive wouldn't let him have any of the candy," Jay allowed.
Hank gave a little snort and gave his head a bit of a shake. Eyes a bit of a roll. Couldn't do it in front of Olive. Maybe he shouldn't do it in front of Jay either. Jay had his own ideas about food and nutrition. Knew that. And knew it'd be interesting to see how that ended up rubbing off on Erin and both of their parenting styles after the twins arrived.
Hopefully they didn't go at it quite as full-throttle as Olive had. Girl had gone from only knowing how to use a microwave to full-on granola. Sometimes Hank thought it was a little much.
On a fucking holiday – definitely felt it was a little much. He'd been sure to have a fucking chocolate-covered marshmallow rabbit for his grandson that morning because had known that if he didn't Henry wouldn't be getting much of anything that resembled a sweet. Though, had barely gotten that either. H only got to gnaw off the ears before Olive had taken it away from him. Likely best. Kid was making a bit of a mess – and a mess of everything his sticky fingers and mouth got on in its aftermath. But that was part of the point of it. Once a year thing. Didn't hurt.
Though, Olive didn't feel much the same way. If she had her way he wouldn't have gotten any exposure to sugar until he was about through puberty. Had a whole speil on the horrors of it. And, he'd done enough reading on that shit with Magoo's situation, he hard what she was saying. But he also said, good fucking luck to her in that. Completely eliminating sugar from a North American diet – living in the fucking Midwest – was a pretty much a fool's errand. More so when the body actually needed some sugar to function the way he should be functioning. But she'd really bristled when he'd presented that medically-supported, nutritionist promoted fact to her. So he'd shut up.
Just like he'd kept his hatch trapped that morning when the only edible treats that H was retrieving out of those eggs were Gold Fish crackers, Cheerios and grapes. Fine, enough. Camille had done about the same when the boys were little. But his wife also hadn't been afraid about letting their kids enjoy some jellybeans and chocolate – and ice cream and cake and cookies (that actually looked and tasted like cookies) – on occasion either.
To each their own. Everyone parents differently. For better or worse.
"Chocolate's going to be shit anyway," Hank conceded, but worked at unwrapping the egg he'd retrieved, rolling one of the other plastic things Jay's way. He cracked it open too and worked at picking off the foil as well.
Might as well get the stuff out of sight before both Henry and Magoo were putting up a fuss about not getting the junk. Not that they were missing much. The thing was pretty much just sitting on his tongue like a lump. Not even starting to melt. Likely couldn't even be called chocolate. Likely some sort of "coco-flavored confectionary" or some crap. Likely nut-free and peanut-free and maybe even dairy-free for it to be the candy of choice that they were using for an egg hunt in a city park. Though, Hank doubted any of the events in the park district had had much of a turn-out that year. Too damn cold and too much rain. Not exactly surprising Henry had spotted some cast-offs still rolling in the grass.
"Pretty sure you won out on gift of the season," Jay said with a nod off over his shoulder as he crunched on his egg. Look on his face told Hank that he wasn't exactly thrilled with the taste either. "Tastes like childhood …" he muttered.
Got a thin smile out of Hank and he claimed another one of the chocolate turds too. That about summed it up. Knew for a fact that these brightly colored foil-wrapped eggs had made a lot of appearances in their house over the years. And why the fuck not? Could get about a 100 of them for a couple bucks. Split between three kids and a couple adults – pretty fucking reasonable.
"Your mom or dad?" he asked.
"Mom," Jay said flatly – like it was obvious. Probably was at this point. More than clear that these kiddos weren't likely going to have much of a second grandpa in their lives. No grandmothers either.
Made Hank a little sad. Made him worry a little more. For the if, and when, things went south. About the support network that Erin and Jay and those babies were going to have.
Having family – grandparents – made a real difference. Had really seen that – felt it – while Justin was growing up. Missed it a lot bringing up Magoo. Just felt like another thing that the kid had ripped from his life. Another fucking deficit.
Thought Jay should know that too. See it and feel it. The guy had said enough – and Erin had – that Hank knew he'd had a close relationship with his grandfather. Should mean the kid should know how special that connection can be. Grandfather and grandchild. Hank knew it too. Felt it with Henry. Real different than when it's our own kid. A whole different experience. Was glad he was getting it. Really hoped he'd get to experience it with Erin's kiddos too. For more than a few weeks or few months. That he'd be around to see them through their first year and to watch them grow up.
But if he wasn't – couldn't be – sort of wished he could know there was going to be someone else around for those kids. To help out the family. But didn't seem like that was going to be the way it worked out. Least not right now.
Maybe it'd change after the twins arrived. Maybe Jay or that father of his would swallow their pride some and do what was best for the babies. Jay'd decide he'd want the kids to have a connection to his side of the family – that wasn't just his brother. That Patrick Halstead would figure out that he'd like to meet his grandkids and be a part of their lives.
There was a big part of Hank that wanted to say something about it. Try to nudge it in the right direction with Jay. Another part of him that wanted to get in front of Paddy there and rip into him a bit about the stupidity and selfishness coming out of a grown man and father. But knew that either of those actions would just backfire big-time. Give Jay a whole lot of reasons to be pissed. Give Erin them too. And didn't need that.
Thing was, though, that he had some sort of idea what it was like. He knew fathers and sons. At least his son. He knew fucked up family dynamics. And complications and loss. Of having your mother gone too soon when you were a young man. He'd seen what that had done to his oldest. And he'd seen what his tough-love, hard-ass stance with Justin had done to their relationship.
And Hank knew there were other dynamics going on with Jay Halstead and his father – with his brother – that he wasn't entirely privy too. But had been around the guy enough – and enough had been said – that he'd filled in some of the blanks. Had a pretty decent idea of what some of this fall-out and baggage was stemming from. And it wasn't just fathers-and-sons and it wasn't just losing a mother and spouse. But still made him feel real bad for his grandbabies. Bad him feel bad for Jay and bad for ol'Paddy too.
Because you never know. Never know how long you've got. Not with your sons. Not with your own life and own health. Not with getting to know those grandkids and them getting to know you and being a part of their life.
Hank knew that. And knew that he'd missed out on more than he'd like to admit with Justin because of where their relationship had been at. Because both of them being stubborn and stupid and too fucking prideful. Because of their relationship being what it was. And the kind of man that shaped his oldest into.
He had regrets about that. Especially now. That lost time. When he wasn't getting anymore. Not to repair it and to know his son and the man he'd grown into. But at least he got some solace in knowing he was getting to know his grandson. That he'd managed to repair things enough that he got that. That they both did. Even though that had come with its own ups and downs too. But Justin had been mature enough to recognize his son deserved a grandfather. And maybe he'd been mature enough – had grown enough – to recognize that he wanted his father in his life too. Hank had sure wanted his son too.
Hard road. Fathers and sons. Harder still knowing that Justin – when he was little, sure was his little buddy. His fucking shadow. And that had gotten lost along the way. With change in family dynamics and ever-shifting work priorities and commitments and responsibilities. With puberty and teen-aged pains in the ass hitting. Your little buddy grows up. And if you don't work at making sure your relationship grows and evolves with it. That your parenting does too. Well, you get yourself into a fucking situation. And they'd sure done that.
Figured no matter how you spun it – realities and myths and perspectives of what Jay's childhood had looked like – that had been part of it in his family too. And figured the guy had done his own amount of wondering about fathers and sons too when he had a little boy of his own on the way.
Fathers and sons weren't easy. But neither were fathers and daughters. Either way the relationship has to grow and change as they do. But that's all part of being a parent. Part of any fucking human relationship.
And Hank knew it was possible. Knew because he'd done it with Ethan. He's Mama's Boy had become a Daddy's Boy. He knew it. Had been in denial about it for a while. But he knew anymore that E was his little buddy. His shadow. And he worked real hard to maintain that relationship. To grow and evolve with it. To not make the same mistakes he had with Justin during puberty and through his teens. To try to make sure that if anything happened – when anything happened – he didn't have to be scared about the way his youngest would remember him.
Though, he was scared that Henry was still so young he wouldn't remember him much at all. That Erin's babies wouldn't even register that he'd existed. If this went to shit.
"And these chocolate chickens," Jay muttered after he'd managed to swallow that wax down. "Hens. Sitting in baskets or maybe nests. Every year."
Hank made a little noise and nodded. "That the European showing in you," he said and caught the kid's eyes. "Rabbits are some kind American thing. According to Cami's folks. Always got the boys the damn hens too. Or an egg. Cami too. Don't think I picked up a chocolate rabbit for the kids ever until after she was gone. Probably looking down and thinking I'm committing some kind of sacrilege."
Jay made a small sound of amusement at that as he worked at picking the foil off his last piece of wax candy. "Yea, I actually do think it was my grandfather who added them to the Easter sugar coma."
A small window to say something. "Your brother working today? Or over at your pops' place?"
Jay gave a shrug. "Don't know."
"With him all day yesterday," Hank rasped.
"He had other things he wanted to talk about," Jay mumbled. Got the impression that meant it wasn't him being a pending uncle.
"Going to touch base with your pop sometime today?" Hank pressed.
Another shrug. "Easter isn't really a thing with us."
That was a given. Been made very clear that the Halsteads didn't have much of anything that was 'a thing' at this point in their family life. Wanted to believe that would change after there were little people on the scene again. But also wasn't getting that kind of read on the family situation. The 'things' these kiddos had would be what Jay and Erin established for them. 'Things' that maybe him and Magoo and Olive and H got to contribute to some too over time. But any Halstead 'things' that were in their life would be based on childhood memories and traditions that Hank suspected would be ones established by Jay's mother or grandfather. Not anything that he'd kept up with his brother or father over the years. Because it didn't seem like much had been kept up.
"Might want to touch base," Hank tried. "Let him know the updated latest possible date his grandkids might be getting here."
And he'd gotten a real look at that. Said loud and clear that it wasn't a conversation they'd be having. Hank wasn't even too clear how much of a conversation it was that he was having with Erin.
So Hank just stared at Olive and his grandson for a moment. Olive and H had been over at the park's running track a while. Off in the starting chute.
"Sure Will will let him know," Jay spat out.
Hank just grunted. False start over here.
"Jay, lost time's lost time. When it's gone, it's gone. Can't make up for it. Aren't going to be wanting to regret any more things you can't do anything about when the time comes."
Jay just stared. A real stare down. But he'd said his bit. So let it drop. Went back to biting his tongue about the fucking adult pains in the asses in his life.
Looked at the littlest one – the easiest one – instead.
The way Henry was squatted down and toddling around in there, Hank knew he'd been treating it like a sandbox. Could see that he was working at tossing the gravel into the back of the little cement mixer truck sand toy he'd got for his grandson. Knew that he should pick up something that wasn't junk food with the way Olive was. And been trained that way anyway. Camille. Skip the chocolate. Get some little outdoor toy that got them out the door and spending time together as a family. She had it figured out. Thankfully he'd listened some. Let her do some training up on him as what she expected and wanted out of him as a father and husband. What and how she wanted her family to function.
Besides, the brightly colored sandbox toy just made sense. Add it to H's growing collection of cars and trucks. The kid's fascination with all types of construction vehicles pretty much rivaled E's early – and on-going - fascination with dinosaurs.
Any walk he took with his grandson these days made sure they circled past a construction site. Wasn't too hard with all the fucking condo developments trying to press into their neighborhood. H was more than happy to stand there and stare and babble at him like they were watching animals in the fucking zoo. Probably more happily than he ever did the times he'd taken the boys over to the zoo. Trucks were much better. Apparently. And all bets were fucking off if a crane or cement truck was on-site when they were over there. Usually be a tantrum that required enduring a whole lot of squirming and kicking if you picked him up or strapping the kid in his stroller to drag him away if either of them were there. Let alone if they were actually pouring the cement or lifting some piece of steel. Then you might as well just write off the evening. He'd want to stand there until bedtime and still throw a fit when it was time to get a move-on.
"Keep telling you guys," Hank rasped, "nine times out of ten – that age – five bucks or less at the CVS check-out is going to win out of anything splashy. Not worth the cash."
About the same truth if you ended up with a kid like Magoo. Didn't need to get too fancy ever. Could only ever get too fancy. Easter wasn't the time or place for it. And the financial situation in their household – family – didn't much allow for it anyway. Kid's didn't did that shit anyway. They needed this. There in the park. Family. Support. People caring about them. Better than any piece of plastic crap or techno garbage. Memories. Relationships.
Jay made a little noise and eyed the kid off over his shoulder. "Hafta keep that in mind," he muttered.
Jay started over there too. Looking at his little grandson.
"Camille's trick too," Hank provided for him. "Skip the sugar. Get them outside."
"Smart …," Jay allowed passively.
"Only so smart in Chicago," Hank said and gestured at the frozen ground. Rain and then a drop in temperature. Wasn't making for much of a spring. Yet. The way it was going, wouldn't be surprised if there was still snow on the ground in the city in May.
Jay allowed a small amused sound. But just kept looking at H. All sorts of thoughts were painted all over the guy's face.
Jay was good with his grandson. Good with his son too. Likely better with kids, period, than he gave himself credit for. Didn't take a lot of B.S. from them but showed a good amount of empathy.
Could tell these days, though, when Jay was interacting with H his head was going off to different places. Doing the worry and wonder thing. Normal.
Hank was doing enough of that for him and Erin and those babies too. But he had a lot of confidence in them sorting it out.
Got the sense that Jay worried about the baby aspect of it. Doubted the guy had much in the way of baby experience. But how many guys really did before they were slapped with one of their own. Reality was it was just a period you had to get through. Wasn't too much glamorous or enjoyable about it. Was just a whole lot of work and sleepless nights. But that was something Jay should be used to.
He'd seen Jay with Henry since he was barely walking. Seen a lot more of him with the kid since his first birthday. Since Justin was gone. Since Olive came back to Chicago. And Hank had seen enough to know by the toddler phase, Jay'd be fine. Was real good at having the energy and the focus to run them around good and wear them out. The patience too. Proved that with him putting up with E – and with Erin too. The two of them took all kinds of patience.
And really, by the time those kids were about four – that four to seven – you were in a nice sweet spot with your kids. The seven to ten phase was another good one. Maybe even a bit better. Out of diapers, in school, starting to show all kinds of interests and able to have some real conversations with them and do some more shit with them that almost held your own attention and interest too. But Jay'd be golden at that point. Knew he'd be fine. Even if he didn't.
It was funny because he got the impression that Jay was more worried about being the father to a son. And Erin – got the sense with her it was about being the mother to a girl.
His girl had right out said to him that she didn't know anything about girls. Fucking laughable. But it was more a conversation about "what if she's a girlie girl?" All these what ifs. What if she's interested in make-up or fashion or ballet or Barbie or playing princess?
And, yeah, what if. What ifs that made Hank smile a bit. Because he sure as fuck didn't know anything about make-up or princesses. He knew his wife been about was much of a tomboy as they could come even on the days she resigned to putting on a skirt and knee socks. Knew his girl too had done her best to be rough and tumble. The tough girl that wasn't going to take shit from anyone. But Camille, Erin – they'd both been girls through and through. They'd been a bit of a pair – even when they were locking horns and bashing skulls with each other. Process where they'd likely both knocked some sense into each other in different ways. A whole lot of learning. But that's what family was anyway. A learning process. A long and never-ending one. Compromise and sacrifice and tolerance. Day in and day out.
Two of them had needed each other, though. Cami had needed a girl in the house. They all did. Erin was the little girl – the big, moody, challenging teen-aged girl – they'd been waiting for in their family for years. Proved that over and over. And Hank knew this little girl her and Jay were bringing into the family would be the estrogen they needed in the family now too. It'd been missing with Camille gone. Maybe this little one would help balance things out a bit. Didn't doubt that it'd likely bring back a whole lot of thoughts and memories about Camille too. But also thought that even in her absence, it'd make them all feel her there a little more. Even if he already knew it was going to make them all miss her a whole lot more for a while – and one certain days and times and moments in these two little kiddos lives.
But with all that, Hank thought the thought of there being a little girl who actually wanted Popa to putter on a doll house for her or to sit down and play fucking tea party with her Teddy Bears – that didn't seem too bad to him. It sounded pretty good. Even if she was a girlie-girl so unlike his wife or his daughter – it all sounded pretty good to him.
But maybe it was because he'd been there. Just not with a little girl just yet. But he knew what Erin was saying. And he'd said as much to her.
The reality was that you don't know what you're going to get with your kids. You never do. You never can. And as fucking scary as that is – it's part of the joy of it. That you have to let yourself enjoy it. This bit-by-bit slow process of getting to know and learning about this little person – that you created. That you can help mould and teach. But the cast is set. You can only change them so much. They are who they are. And you're just along for the ride in helping them discover that and letting yourself discover and accept it too.
So if you have a little girl who wants to wear tutus and tiaras – you buy her the fucking tutus and tiaras. She wants to do ballet – you find her lessons you can afford. Just like he'd had to lay on the front room floor playing dinosaurs with Magoo and learning all the things fucking names and times they'd roams the Earth. Like he'd had to throw endless spirals on a football for Justin and be on his ass constantly about homework that the kid never felt like he had to do because even if he didn't apply himself he still brought home fucking As on every test despite failing to hand in almost every fucking assignment in any kind of timely manner. And like he'd had to endure Erin and her music – blaring all the time and the begging (and then sneaking out) to endless fucking shows and her bringing home fucking treasures she found out at the curb and in side alleys – only for it shift into these fucking markets and flea fairs and antique shops and white elephant sales that Camille introduced her too and pretty much pushed her into the realm of becoming some sort of hoarder of some of the strangest and ugliest shit he'd seen in his life.
But he loved them all anyway. Even though none of that was particularly his cup of tea. But he'd still learned. He'd still tolerated. And he still parented. And he couldn't imagine his kids being anyone but the people they were. It was the way they were supposed to be. And you were just along for the ride.
So when you aren't catering to their interests and talents – you just have to make sure they see you in the vehicle too. And they do. Go through periods they forget. But you're there. And you need to find the time and the space to share your interests and talents with them too. And maybe some of them they'll pick up. The fishing or the books or the movies or the old records or tools in the shed and the coffee and breakfast spots and Saturdays in bleachers on sporting fields and at arenas cheering on their family – and their family team – becomes a part of them too. And the parts that don't - some of them will just become childhood memories and family traditions. But that's not bad or wrong too.
Little people – your kids – it's the same as any human being. You've got to get to know them. It doesn't happen overnight. There might not be a fucking instantaneous connection just because you share genes with them. But he could tell that was one of Erin's big fears too. That she wasn't going to feel a connection. The way she thought she was supposed to.
But he'd told her that was bullshit too. The fact she was even thinking like that showed she was already forming a connection. And it'd grow and change more after she actually had those babies there to have and to hold. When she had to start taking care of them living and breathing in that world. And she'd be fine. There'd be a connection – and it didn't matter the genes were part of it.
Genes only played so much of a role. It's time and care and love and shared history and experiences. That was why she had a connection with her brothers. That's why he had a connection with her. Her and Camille too. They were family. And it grew over time and years and experiences they'd all gone through together.
She didn't need to be worrying about genetics. It was on the list of things you can't do anything about. Not your own. And, she'd probably picked decent enough genetics in Jay to go and procreate with. At least they'd likely be decent looking human beings. As cute as any newborn baby ever really is. But hopefully they'd grow into their looks. Erin was a cute enough little girl. Figured she should worry more about ending up with pale, Irish, gingers than whatever genes it was she fretted about Bunny having bestowed on her. And the father unknown. Couldn't do anything about that. Could've avoided having red-haired little monsters exerting control over her for the rest of her life. But she'd made her choices there too.
And for all her fears and apprehensions about being a parent – being a mother – he knew she'd be fine too. He remembered her with Magoo when he was a baby. He'd watched her with him as he'd grown up. She knew how to take care of a child. She knew how to mother. She understood the sacrifices that came along with it. She could do this.
And so could Jay. Because the biggest part of being a parent – being a spouse, the head of a family, a family man – was that you provided for them and you protected them. Jay had proven – he had a life and employment history that supported it – that he knew how to do both. Despite his failings. They all had failings. But you just kept fucking at it.
Provide and protect. That was what Hank was still trying to do now. For his kids. For his grandkids. To set it all up as best as he could – so they were provided for and protected even if … when … things went sideways.
AUTHOR NOTE:
This chapter was also getting too long so splitting it. Continuation will still be a Hank POV. It will be more dialogue based.
Just as a notification, I posted a chapter in Hereafter that's relevant to this storyline in the pregnancy and what's going on in Hank's work life. It's called Saved. I didn't really want to cross-post. But the readership on it is pretty low and I know some of you have let me know directly you aren't reading Hereafter since it's "based" on S05 (and it really isn't in the way that I think some of you are thinking. It's very much still rooted in this AU and you really don't need to be watching or caring about the season to take anything out of it I don't think. Any information you need to know from the episode is likely there and as long as you have a general idea of what's happening in the season — in relation to Woods and the body being found, which you likely do from reading these stories). But it's fairly important to this AU and the way it's going. So I might end up cross-posting that particular chapter. But for now I'm just letting you know it's there. It's set a little a head of where this story would be right now. Likely a couple weeks.
Thanks for your readership, reviews and feedback.
