Hey guys. Sorry it took so long for me to update. I had written this chapter ages ago, but the original one was really crap. No joke, it was awful! Just ask my beta. And then my computer didnt save it the first time I rewrote it... But I re-wrote it and here's the end result. Jenna (my beta) was swamped with her other stories, but she sent it back to me today, so here it is.
Oh, Jenna's writing the next chapter for her story at the moment! I got a sneak peak the other day. There's some irony to having a beta on the same wave length as you.
So anyway, sorry again about the long wait between updates. I must say though, I was impressed at the reviews I got. Although many of them scared me (some of you are very... passionate!), most of them were encouraging me to continue writing, and here's the end result.
I normally don't do this but I'm dedicating this to alicebrandoncullen, who left me the sweetest review the other day and is an absolute doll!
Anyway, on with the story.
Chapter 9 - Reckless Abandon
I sped down the road, pushing my truck as fast as it would go. The ancient engine groaned in protest, just like always, but I pushed my foot down harder, urging it to go on. The rain had eased slightly, so it was now possible to see the road in front of me.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the first of many procedures I would have to endure in preparation towards having the surgical procedure done that would repair my damaged heart. For the first time since I had last seen Edward, three extremely long weeks ago, I would have to behave. For someone who had never touched alcohol before, I had come to the realization that two things were possible. One: I was be able to hold my liquor extremely well, or two: whenever I drank, I would always have too much too quickly that I would never noticed myself getting wasted. In my opinion, the later was most likely.
I had told Charlie that I wanted to go to Seattle to try and find a good bookstore, a cover for my hospital visit. Everything had been organized. After signing all the necessary paperwork tomorrow, my name was going to be put on the high priority waiting list and I would be going in for surgery sometime in the next few weeks. A month ago, the thought of surgery had frightened me, but it didn't seem as scary anymore. Nothing ever did.
I tried to think about something else, but it seemed that all my thoughts nowadays revolved back to either Edward or my looming surgery that could possibly lead to my death.
I honestly didn't know which worried me more; death or life without Edward. At least I could look at the surgery from a rational point of view. The thought of being without Edward was unimaginably excruciating, although I didn't need to imagine it, I was once again living it. Edward was my life, and no matter what, my feelings for him would never change.
How I was feeling now was far worse than when he had left me. At least then I knew that there was nothing I could do to change things. Now, however, I knew that the power no longer lied with Edward; I now was the one who was able to turn everything back to the way it should be. One simple conversation with Edward to come clean about everything; that's all it would take to put things back how they belong, and make the pain to just go away. Everything could go back to the way it was – with Edward and I happy together. I was kidding myself, of course, because as much as I wished it wasn't true, my ASD wasn't going to go away. There was no way I could go back to him like this; I couldn't put him through the possibility of loosing me, not matter how much I needed him. I was doing all of this for him.
The last three weeks had been hell. It had been difficult for me previously to be away from him for even a day. Now, each hour that ticked by felt like a year; every passing moment felt like an entire lifetime, and each breath that I took burned with the pain of loneliness.
It was worse than death.
Was it really all worth it? All this pain, with no end in sight? The only outcome that I could see was my death as a result of the surgery. Not exactly the kind of future you hope to see. If my life was so close to ending, and there was truly nothing left to live for, then why bother?
Not that I would intentionally set out to kill myself – I could never do that to Charlie, or Edward. But what if I wasn't so careful? What if I just went about my life, not caring enough to take the precautions I usually did? If I was going to live without the very reason for my existence, then why bother at all? I was already a danger magnet – as everyone has pointed out – so it would really only be a matter of allowing fate to decide.
I shook my head at the thought. These kinds of thoughts had been becoming more and more frequent, and although I knew it wasn't healthy, it was impossible to stop them.
A familiar sensation started in my chest, starting as a dull pain and slowly worsening. I subconsciously reached up to rub the area above my racing heart. As I did, something flashed out of the corner of my eye, and I instinctively turned my head to see what it was.
Bad idea.
The front right tire of my truck clipped the edge of the road, causing it to swerve across the road. In my attempt to gain control, I over-corrected, pulling the wheel too hard to the left. Before I knew what was happening, my truck had left the road, and was headed straight for a tree.
I reached out and covered my face with my hands, preparing for the impact. It came, more intense than I had expected, and my head hit the steering wheel – hard. My head was spinning, but before I passed out, I heard the crunch of metal and saw a distorted black and white blur beside me, where my door had been just seconds before.
Please don't shoot me! I assure you, I am most certainly Edward&Bella, but trust me, this story isnt over for a while yet... There's still a long way to go! Just a few more specific details to answer certain issues raised.
1. Later chapters will reveal more, possibly chapter 12, but there is a reason as to why Edward doesnt just change Bella.
2. The last chapter was not a dream. It deffiantely happened, and before you ask, I'm not changing it!
3. Alice can't see the reason behind a choice, just the consequences. She saw Bella in hospital, but not why she was there. And she couldn't see the real reason she left Edward, just what she told him.
4. Don't worry cantatedomino, Jacob will make an appearence soon. I'm going to try and put a side story in too, involving him, but he's deffinately back, and fairly soon hopefully. We'll see how it goes.
5. Finally, to whoever of you that didn't agree with my choices for this story, you know you all felt the same when Stephanie Meyes made Edward leave in New Moon, and that you were yelling at the book as much as you yell at me.
Before I go, please PLEASE review. I dont care if you yell at me... it's just nice to know that someone reads your work!
Thanks again, and hope you all review! Katie.
