Author's Notes: I'm so sorry that some of the chapters are short but it's hard to fit writing a good large chapter in around my busy schedule so I always figure short is better than none.
Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or the characters and make no money from this story it is for fan purposes only.
Can't
Bella POV
I dug around in my closet for something to wear. I needed something smart. Charlie was taking me to dinner to celebrate my graduation. I had graduated top of my class even after only transferring not four months ago. I had only left La Push about three times in that time maybe a few more give or take but I had avoided it at all costs, throwing myself into my studies and hoping that the feelings would go away.
I sighed, now everything would have to change. No more hiding, I had had nearly four months to get over my Carlisle issues while hanging out with Jake and the guys and finishing school and now I had to learn how to get on with my life properly. Living at La Push had been like a long vacation, it had been easier to pretend the whole thing had never happened but now I had to decide what I was going to do with my life next and what to do with my future. I had become great friends with everyone at La Push; some had taken longer than others to come around to the vampire lover spending time with them but eventually they all did.
"Bella, Charlie's here!" Jake shouted, banging on the bedroom door. I had been sharing Jake's room for months, each of us had bunk beds, which meant I firstly had to have the top bunk so that he didn't squash me in the middle of the night by collapsing the bed and secondly taking turns to change in the bedroom or bathroom. Jake had become the brother I had never had and his little thing for me had vanished within just weeks of us living together.
I quickly grabbed my purse and took one more glance in the mirror. I had picked my nicest dress; it was red, short sleeved and floated down to my knees. I had found some silver strapped sandals that were short enough that I wouldn't be in danger of any extra Bella moments and even tried to tidy my mass of dark waves into bouncing curls.
"Wow, Bella..." Jake said, staring at me in my red dress.
"Damn...Bella you're hot!" Jared grinned. Embry and Paul whistled also and I looked nervously at my feet at the attention. It wasn't often I dressed up and really tried with my make-up, even less often that I wore a dress. It was sort of nice to know that they at least could see the effort I had put in.
"Down boys." Charlie's voice interrupted the wolf whistles. They all laughed nervously as he entered the room. "You look beautiful Bella."
"Thanks." I mumbled.
"Ready?" he asked. I nodded and followed him out of the door, waving my goodbyes as I went.
Charlie drove us to the small restaurant in town and parked up. Dinner was great and it was nice to have a bit of time with Charlie without a huge crowd of teenage boys around us as well. He came to La Push nearly every day to see us all but that was just it...he came to see us all so we hadn't had much time just the two of us.
We talked about my future, all the plans I could have and I told him I still hadn't decided what I wanted to do but I was thinking of something to do with the sciences like medicine or chemistry.
"Are you staying at the house tonight or did you want a lift back to Billy's?" Charlie asked as we left the restaurant. At that exact moment my eyes fell on the passing car. It drove straight past but not before I spotted him and he spotted me. He didn't slow and he didn't stop, he just drove past. "Bella?"
"Sorry, yeah I was going to stay at the house if that's OK." I replied.
"Of course." He nodded, as we got into the car.
My mind was now solely focused on Carlisle and how that one split second had brought back every single feeling as if it were only yesterday when he...kissed me goodbye. When we arrived at the house I asked my dad if I could just go up to have a bath since the Black's only had a shower and no bathtub.
I locked the door and undressed while running the hot water until I sank into the warm bubbles and it was then that a sob escaped my throat. I had tried to forget, I really had and still months later no matter how much I ignored it...I still wanted Carlisle. I wanted Carlisle Cullen more than anything...I loved him. Shit...
I can't believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I loved Carlisle...not just a crush, not just a passing attraction, not just caring. I loved Carlisle so much that it hurt and now he may never want me. That was my plan of course; that I cared about him and his family too much to tear it apart but...would he see it that way? Would he really be any happier in a marriage that had long ago died? I fumbled for my phone and desperately waited for an answer.
"Bella!" Alice's voice exclaimed. "I can see you again thank god! It was driving me crazy not knowing how you were!"
"Alice." I said softly, I felt another sob stuck in my throat. "I need to talk to Carlisle, it's important."
"I know." she replied. "I see again Bella, I see everything...all the choices...this is wonderful." I couldn't help but laugh through my tears at how happy she sounded. I heard muffled voices and then heard the phone being passed over. There was silence and then I heard a fuzzy noise like someone had blown into the phone before silence again.
"Bella?" Carlisle's voice finally came on the other side. All I could do was sob in response. "Bella, are you alright?"
"Carlisle I-" I started though tears.
Honey why are you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying, is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
"Bella talk to me." He said softly.
"I can't forget." I sobbed.
"I was going to call you in the morning also, I didn't know if you'd be asleep...or if it would be welcome." He said. "mia cara why are you crying?"
"Carlisle I-I miss you." I blurted.
"Where are you?" he asked.
"In the bath." I replied uneasily.
"No, no Bella. I meant where are you as in whether you are at the Black's or at your father's." He chuckled. I felt myself blush even with no one around to see me.
"Oh, sorry I thought you heard the water and wondered what it was." I replied quietly. "I'm at Charlie's."
"Then if you would like perhaps I might pay you a visit..." he suggested. I nodded frantically before my brain registered that he couldn't see me.
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
"Yes...Charlie is asleep downstairs already; I can hear him snoring from here." I replied.
"Then please, name a time and I will be at your service." He replied.
"Just give me about ten minutes." I replied.
"Then I will see you soon mia cara." He said softly, hanging up. My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I dropped my phone to the floor so that I could get out of the bath and drain the water. Gathering my clothes and wrapping my towel tightly around my body I left the bathroom and quickly dug out some pyjamas and started to dry my hair before Carlisle arrived. I chose my black pyjama trousers and vest top that were flattering but not indecent to be seen in. I noticed that my make-up was now smeared down my cheeks so I quickly found a face wipe to clean it off. I was so nervous it took great effort to sit and dry my hair without giggling in excitement or bursting into tears.
Carlisle POV
I swear I could feel my dead heart hammering in my chest as I laid eyes on Bella in that beautiful dress, it showed the perfect paleness of her skin and darkness of her hair. It was impossible of course but it was as if my brain could remember the sensation.
I heard Alice practically shout down her phone in excitement but the only word I heard was Bella and paid no attention to a word after it. I was standing by Alice in an instant.
"Carlisle she asked for you." She told me.
"Is she alright?" I asked.
"Why don't you speak to her, you know your desperate to?" Alice smiled, passing me the phone. I darted to my study; phone in hand before putting it to my ear.
"Bella?" I asked. I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone and felt my body urging me to go to her. I needed to comfort her. It almost hurt to hear her cry.
I heard snoring upon reaching Bella's house, which confirmed that Charlie Swan was asleep downstairs. I heard another sound from upstairs which led me to Bella's window, which I could see from here was cracked open at the bottom.
I leapt up to the window and tapped it lightly; Bella didn't hear me as she was drying her hair so I carefully entered the room. I could barely contain the raging storm of emotions that coursed through my body as I watched her. I carefully laid a hand on her shoulder to alert her to my presence. I reached my other hand out to catch her hairdryer as it slipped from her hand and she spun around to look at me. I turned it off and placed it on the desk as she stood, her huge chocolate eyes never leaving mine.
"Bella." I whispered, the hand on her shoulder sliding down her arm to grasp her hand.
"I'm sorry." She croaked out, I noticed the tears filling her eyes already and squeezed her hand in mine.
"Whatever for?" I asked.
"I'm couldn't forget, I can't pretend." She whispered, her voice cracking mid sentence. I tugged her to me gently until our chests touched and my arm slid around her waist to hold her there. My control once again was gone; as I tilted her head and covered her mouth with my own.
Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had
"I wouldn't want you to." I groaned against her lips, pressing her warm body as tightly to mien as I dared. I trailed my lips to her throat and neck until I reached under her ears. "No more pretending." I murmured in her ear, nuzzling her there.
"W-what's going to happen?" she asked quietly.
"What is going to happen is that I am utterly in love with you Bella Swan, and I plan on spending my entire existence ensuring your happiness." I told her, kissing her again.
"But Carlisle..." she started and I knew her reservations already.
"Mia cara, if you do not want me, if you do not love me then all you have to do is declare as much and I will speak no more of it." I said, stroking her cheek. "But if you were to feel for me, as I feel for you then I would be able to inform you that I filed for divorce but two days ago and as much as my family means to me I would risk everything for you. I do hope however that they would be supportive of me in finding happiness."
Then Bella did cry as she wrapped her arms around my waist as tight as her human arms could and cried against my chest. I do wish I would stop causing her to cry. She reached up on tiptoes to kiss me; I flavoured every soft kiss from her warm lips.
"I love you." I breathed between her kisses. I had never in my existence held such a certainty that there was a God. Only God could have given me such a gift.
"Now Bella the next few months will probably be very difficult for us both..." I started but our moment was interrupted by my phone vibrating in my pocket.
"Alice." I answered.
"Carlisle, something's happening." She said hurriedly.
"What did you see?" I asked.
"Trouble; more vampires are coming here." She told me.
"When?"
"I can't tell. That's not all...I got the feeling that something from my vision is missing." She said. "As if there are large chunks of it cut out."
"What's wrong?" Bella asked me. "What did Alice see?"
Author's Notes: Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think I always appreciate people taking the time to review it inspires me to bang out those chapters that much faster!
