Living or Existing
...
Kensi was so occupied with typing out the After Action Report for her part in the team's last case, that she failed to notice the person approaching her until they plopped down on the edge of her desk. After she jumped slightly, her eyes cut up to find Nell Beale frowning intently down at her.
"Geez ... Nell!" Kensi clasped her hand to her chest as her breathing slowly returned to normal. "You scared the crap out of me!"
When the smaller woman's only response was to cross her arms over her chest and glare back at her, the brunette cocked her head slightly, wondering what this was all about.
"Ummmm ... Nell?"
Waiting for her glare to work on her friend for a few more moments, the younger woman let out a small huff of air before she finally spoke. "I'm just wondering if you're ever going to tell me what's been going on with you for the past few weeks."
Kensi dropped her head, focusing back on her laptop and keeping her eyes down. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Nell reached over and flipped the computer's screen down over the keyboard, effectively putting it in 'sleep' mode.
The woman sitting beside her freaked, reaching to flip the screen open again. "I hadn't saved that!"
Two small hands reached over and grabbed Kensi's wrists, stopping her frantic movements. "It's just sleeping ... all the data is still there ... so calm down and tell me what's going on with you."
Sitting back in her chair, Kensi swallowed the first snarky remark that popped in her head and simply shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry Nell ... still don't know what you mean."
"Bullshit!"
"Nell!" Since the analyst rarely, if ever, used any type of colorful language, the sudden outburst caught her friend by surprise. "What's gotten into you?"
Tugging on her friend's arms until she stopped fidgeting, Nell gave her best 'Hetty-death-stare' until she had her full attention. "I'm an analyst ... I analyze ... I look at the data and make a calculated, well-educated guess as to the true meaning of the information provided and then that is what usually saves the world as we know it. It's my job ... my gift ... it's what I do, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week ... I can't turn it off even when I want to."
What the pixie beside her was saying slowly brought Kensi into focus and without even meaning to, she responded with a simple nod of her head.
Seeing her friend's defenses slowly coming down, Nell relaxed her grip on her arms. "Now ... the boys are in the gym for the next half-hour or so ... and you are going to start talking or I'll post that picture of you in braces and pigtails ... on the team bulletin board."
Kensi started to reply, but the look in her friend's eyes let her know that she was dead serious about her threat and that her only option was to comply or face the consequences. After letting out a long sigh, she gave in. "Okay ... what have I been doing that's got you in such a tizzy?"
"It's not so much what you've been doing ... it's more of how you've been acting."
That earned the smaller woman a patented 'Kensi eye-roll'. "What does that even mean?"
"It means ... that for the past week or so, you've been acting ... well ... different."
Kensi huffed. "So?"
"Really? You've just been ... I don't know ... different."
"Bad different or good different?"
Nell almost growled. "Stop messing around Kensi. You know what I mean. You're acting strange ... well ... stranger than normal."
"Still not getting what you're talking about Nell ... so why don't you either say what you need to say or let me get back to my report before Callen has another conniption about my procrastinating."
Nell's eyes turned soft and tender. "You're acting like ... like you're happy."
Kensi let out one of her snort-chuckles, the one that she used when she was hiding something. "I'm always 'happy'."
The pixie wasn't biting. "No Kensi ... not like this. It's like you found your joy again ... and I'm just wondering what happened that could make such a change in you. You laugh and kid around more ... your smile reaches your eyes now ... heck, I think there have been days when you were almost 'giddy' ... I just wondered ... "
As Nell continued to list out more reasons why she was perched on the edge of her desk, asking why Bad-Ass-Blye was sometimes behaving like a teenaged girl, Kensi's mind drifted back to that night and the moment she had shared with her old partner on the beach. They had parted that night, tears still wet on their cheeks but a warmth inside them that she was pretty sure neither had felt in an awfully long time. While she couldn't really speak for Deeks' thoughts or feelings, she was pretty sure about her own. Ever since that night, she was certain that her feet had barely touched the ground and she found that she was beginning to live again, rather than simply existing.
I forgive you.
Next to "I love you", those three words were the most beautiful things Kensi had ever heard in her life and, judging by the woman ranting beside her, the effects were apparent. When he had said them, it wasn't what she was expecting and they had taken her breath away. She thought he would continue to go on about it not being her fault or how things just had to work themselves out or that what was in the past was in the past.
But no.
Deeks had known exactly what her aching heart and soul needed to hear, even when she didn't.
I forgive you.
She hadn't asked him to ... hadn't thought it would be possible even if she had. But leave it to the one man on the planet that probably knew her better than she knew herself, to know the exact balm for the one who had hurt him so badly. Then, just when she thought her heart could take no more, he had leaned in close to her ear, his voice barely a whisper as he breathed against her warm skin.
Now ... you need to forgive yourself Kens.
When he spoke those words, if he hadn't been holding her up, she would have ended up a heap on the damp sand. It was at that moment that she realized that she had been allowing her faults and past sins to destroy any chance that she would ever have to actually living. So, standing on the beach with her arms clenched in Deeks' shirt, Kensi Marie Blye had wept ... actually wept ... probably for the first time in her entire life, letting go of all the blame she had directed at herself for the mistakes and choices she had made. As she sobbed, he had held her in his strong arms, emphasizing with soft declarations that if he forgave her ... she had to do the same as well, that she had to let go of the regret ... the shame ... so that she too, could learn to live once more.
Later, when they had both finally composed themselves, he had given her that crooked smile that sent a familiar shiver up her spine and kissed her tenderly on her forehead. Kensi had clung to him, inhaling his scent and letting his strength wash over her, chasing away the chill of the air and the one in her own heart. They had regretfully pulled apart, each wiping away the other's tears and sharing smiles that eventually turned into soft chuckles.
The hour had grown late and the emotional roller-coaster they had shared that night had left them both feeling like they had run a marathon with lead weights tied to their ankles. Her hand still in his, they walked back to where they had parked earlier, and after a few awkward moments where neither knew what to say or do, they hugged once more and silently slipped into their respective vehicles. Just before she turned the key to start the engine, she took a deep breath and glanced over at him. His head was tilted down, like he was looking at something on the floor but then it seemed like he sensed her eyes on him and his head came up, that old gorgeous smile forming as he winked at her.
The tender look in his eyes made all the tears worthwhile.
Unfortunately, right after that night ... the real world intruded on any chance they'd had at getting in touch with each other except for some quick texts and even a few frustrating episodes of playing phone-tag. The teams at Office of Special Projects had found themselves immersed in several back-to-back high-level cases that had left absolutely no time for anything extracurricular outside of work. Kensi barely remembers sleeping anywhere but either in the bunkroom or on the worn coach in the back of the bullpen.
The messages she received from Deeks revealed that his time had been eaten up with new training mandates from the Department of Safety for the state of California and he had been sent to San Diego for conferences and seminars. The one time they had actually caught a break and had spoken on the phone, he was in a hotel elevator and she was standing on the balcony outside of operations. The conversation had flowed easily between them, nothing serious or deep ... but it left an ache in her chest that she couldn't explain as she listened to him brag about Anna's grades. Just as she was about to mention that night on the beach ... the universe conspired against them and she had been called back into ops. When he ended the call, his tender "Be safe Kens" turned the ache into full-blown yearning.
A small hand slapped the top of the desk in front of her, snapping her out of her daydream.
"Kensi! Are you even listening to me?"
An embarrassed blush slipped up her neck and across her cheeks. "Um ... yes ... of course ... uh ... yeah ... "
Nell tried to look pissed that she had been ignored during her little exposition, but the light that danced across her friend's eyes made something click in her mind. "OH ... MY ... GOD! You've met someone ... haven't you?"
The small blush burst across Kensi's cheeks all the way up to her forehead. "I have not!"
"Your mouth says 'No' but the rest of you is screaming a very loud 'Yes!'." Nell almost bounced off the edge of the desk as the idea continued to sink in further.
"Nell ... I haven't 'met' anyone ... you're just imagining things." Kensi turned back to her laptop, flipping up the screen to wake it up.
"Again ... I call bullshit! I haven't you like this in years Kensi ... years!"
When she looked up, Kensi knew that there was no way that she would be able to deny that part of what Nell was suggesting was sort of true. She had changed and was acting different, but it wasn't because she had some 'new guy' in her life ... not really anyway.
"Come on Kensi ... spill, what's up with you?"
Taking a deep breath, Kensi let it out in a long sigh, her hands slipping to her lap to tangle into a knot. "Nell ... there isn't a 'new' man ... honest. I just got some things sorted out in my life and things are just good right now."
"And this has nothing to do with a new man?" Nell cocked her head to hide the grin that was threatening to curl across her lips.
A head shake was her answer.
And Nell wasn't buying it for even a millisecond.
"Then ... could be an old man?"
Kensi almost choked on her own saliva. "Nell! Geez!"
"Not like that, you doofus!" The little red-head dropped herself into the chair at the next desk. "I meant that maybe it's someone you already know ... so, technically, that wouldn't be someone 'new'."
The agent just gave her a simple shrug along with her answer as she kept her eyes locked on the computer screen. "Maybe."
Nell scooted closer, her eyes exploding with excitement. "Maybe ... someone tall ... blonde ... and shaggy?"
"Nell ... I don't ... no ... "
Now the analyst's voice carried a slight lilt and a hint of mischievousness. "Someone ... who has a 100 watt smile ... can tell you which Superman comic introduced Red Kryptonite ... has a little girl that stands about this tall ... " She held her hand up high enough off the floor to indicate little Anna's height. " ... and used to sit right ... over ... there?" Nell gestured with her head in the direction of the desk that was once occupied by the very man she had just described.
Kensi tried ... she really did ... to keep the shiver from running across her arms but she just couldn't find a why to really lie to her friend anymore or even attempt to deny that there was something going on inside of her in regards to her old partner. So, before Nell could continue the little game she was playing, Kensi held up a single hand to stop her.
"Okay, Nell ... okay ... just stop already."
Sensing that the time for playful teasing had suddenly come to a stop, Nell rocked forward in her chair until her words would only be heard by the other woman. "Sorry Kensi ... didn't mean to push that hard."
Kensi gave her a warm and genuine smile. "No worries Nell ... I guess I can't hide it any longer anyway. Hell, if you're asking me about this, I'm sure the rest of the team has noticed as well."
"Yeah, they have ... but I'm the only one with enough balls to ask you about it."
Chuckling softly, Kensi patted her friend gently on the knee. "And you're the only one that I'd talk about it with anyway."
When the pause took longer than she was happy with, Nell finally raised her eyebrows and pushed a little more. "Soooooooo ... what happened with Deeks?"
"Remember that case when those Marines shot up their house during the football game?" When the woman nodded, Kensi continued. "The LAPD detective that showed up ... well ... "
"It was Deeks!" It was a statement and not a question.
"You get a gold star ... yes, it was Deeks."
"And ... " Nell was bouncing with anticipation in her seat. " ... and ... "
"Calm yourself Mrs. Beale ... you're going to pop a gasket over there!" Seeing her friend so excited was keeping the smile on her face. "We ... um ... we grabbed some bearclaws and then we walked down to the beach ... then we ... we ... talked." She didn't know where the lump in her throat came from, but it was the size of Texas.
Nell watched her friend struggle slightly with the emotions that their conversation was stirring up. "If this is too much ... "
Kensi's hand patted her again. "No Nell ... it's all good. Yeah ... we had a good talk ... got a lot out in the open ... "
"From the look of things ... you two must have worked some things out."
"You can say that again ... " When she saw the humorous gleam in her friend's eyes, Kensi cut her off. "Don't you dare!"
They laughed softly together and when it faded, Kensi found her hand clasped by two smaller ones. "Kensi ... that's ... that's awesome."
"Yeah ... it was."
Nell gave her a gentle squeeze. "Was that all you guys did ... talk?"
Kensi shook her head slightly. "It was more than just a 'talk' ... it was ... it was ... liberating Nell. I poured out my mistakes to him ... all the things I regretted doing in the past ... everything that had hurt him ... " There was a prickling in her eyes and when she wiped at them, her hand came away wet. " ... and he forgave me ... he forgave me for all of it!"
Nell slid closer so that she could wrap an arm tenderly around Kensi's shoulders, offering both comfort and support. "Wow."
"Wow is right. What kind of man does that Nell? What kind of man can take all of that ... all that I did to him ... and then act like nothing happened in the first place?" Kensi's control was slipping and she was moments away from jumping up to run and hide someplace before she had a real break down.
Nell's face was serious but compassionate. "Sounds like a man that understands the meaning and power of forgiveness ... "
"Yeah, but I hurt him so badly Nell ... "
"But he forgives you Kensi, don't make it in vain."
What Nell said didn't click right-a-way with the brunette. "What do you mean?"
"If he's willing to do that ... forgive ... don't waste it, don't let it be for nothing." She emphasized her point by poking her finger into Kensi's thigh. "Like you said, it was liberating ... that means you're free ... you don't have to carry that burden any longer ... there's nothing holding you back now."
Kensi quirked an eyebrow at her friend. "Holding me back from 'what', Nell?"
The younger woman's lips curled up in a cunning grin. "Not a 'what' girlfriend ... a 'who'."
With that, the analyst popped out of her seat and headed up to operations to check on her husband. If she had looked back over her shoulder, she could have witnessed Kensi's shocked and surprised expression morph into one of contemplation ... tinged with a little excitement.
...
Later that day ...
"So Kayla ... do you have plans ... for Friday night ... or not?" The woman on the elliptical machine beside Kensi's asked her question between breaths as the two of them worked their way through the imaginary path displayed on the small video screens in front of them. They were at one of the three gyms that Kensi used and she was known as Kayla Benson at this one. The woman asking her about her plans was Julie, a regular that had become a friend despite the agent's efforts to keep her at arm's length.
Kensi's thighs were burning from the exertion and sweat was trickling down the back of her sport top as she maintained control of her breathing while trying to find a way out of whatever Julie had in mind. "I ... uh ... not sure ... probably depends on why you're asking."
As soon as Julie started laying out her response, Kensi wished she'd picked another gym that day.
"My sister has set me up with a blind date and I need a wing-man ... I mean ... a wing-woman."
The agent's feet almost slipped from the foot pedals. "What?"
Julie flipped her long, auburn hair that was tied in a tight ponytail over her left shoulder and sat back on the small seat, her legs now just going through the motions. "I haven't been on a real date since my divorce and I'm a little gun-shy ... guy shy ... I need a friend there with me in case he turns out to be a real loser."
Kensi slipped back, matching Julie's position. "Really? You want me to go along with you as a 'Third-Wheel'? Thanks ... but no thanks."
"But you won't be ... he's bringing someone too."
"Why on earth would he do that?"
Julie shrugged her shoulders. "Probably for the same reason I am ... scared I'll turn out to be a toothless hag with chewing tobacco stains on my shirt."
Her friend's sense of humor really cracked Kensi up sometimes, but right now, the brunette didn't feel like laughing. "You don't need me to tag-along ... why can't your sister help you out?"
"Her husband's taking her out-of-town for a weekend getaway."
Kensi turned back to the screen as the machine began to change to a more challenging incline. "Sorry ... I'm busy."
"No you're not ... " Julie, who happened to be a corporate lawyer, was one of those people who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer and was as persistent as a bloodhound when she wanted something. " ... come on Kayla, help a girlfriend out."
"Ugh."
"Just fifteen minutes ... stay for fifteen minutes ... by then I'll know if I want to stay and get to know him better or run from the room screaming." Julie was also a tad dramatic.
Kensi shook her head, her determination slipping ... it had been some time since she went out and just had a good time. "You're buying dinner right? Whether we stay or not?"
Julie had been out a few times with 'Kayla' and she had learned quickly that the woman would do almost anything for a good meal. "Whatever you want from the menu ... if it all goes south, I'll take you out somewhere else."
"I can't believe I'm doing this." When Kensi dropped her head, Julie knew she'd won. "I must be getting soft in my old age."
"Old? What are you talking about ... you're what early thirties?"
Kensi smiled to herself, proud that through some hard work on her part and a great deal of good genetics from her parents, for her age she thought she still looked pretty good. "Try late thirties."
"Well, you're not dead yet ... so come on and have a good time." Julie had seen the way some of the men and even a few of the women at the gym had given Kayla an appreciative once over, but the fact that she had never displayed any interest in pursuing any of her admirers had always concerned her. "Besides, it'll do you some good to get out ... meet some new people."
"I know enough people ... don't need to meet any more."
"Come on Kayla ... "
Kensi sensed that the conversation was about to turn inquisitive on Julie's part and if she could keep the topic off of her, the less lies she would have to tell later. "So, tell me about your 'date'."
It didn't take much to get the younger woman to shift her focus to Friday night. "Oh yeah ... he's a cop."
This time, Kensi's left foot did slip and the pedal popped up to catch her across the front of her ankle. Well, what are the odds of that? Wonder if Deeks knows him? It would give me an excuse to give him a call and see if ...
"He's supposed to be tall ... with blonde hair and blue eyes ... sexy smile." Julie continued to describe her blind date, oblivious that the woman beside her was now barely breathing, the color leaving her face. "My sister met him through some charity benefit at the hospital where her husband works. Says he has a big heart and ... hey Kayla, you okay?"
Kensi was barely able to formulate a response. "Yeah ... yeah ... I'm good."
"You just looked a little pale there for a second ... are you drinking enough fluids?"
Nodding bravely, the agent tried her best to keep her focus on moving her legs in sequence so she didn't fall completely off the machine. As she pressed on, so did Julie.
"No kids though ... just moved down here last year from San Francisco ... served in the Marines before he became a cop."
When Kensi blew out a long, relieved sigh, hoping it sounded like she was just trying to catch her second wind. "That's ... that's awesome Jules ... it's hard to go wrong with a Marine." She didn't want to spoil it by saying anything about how it was possible, she just didn't want to taint the other woman's enthusiasm.
"I know, right? I just hope he is just one big tattoo or all brawn with no brains." Julie went back to pumping her legs, climbing another imaginary hill.
"Do you know anything about the friend he's bringing?" Kensi reached up and hung her hands on the small towel that was draped around her neck, letting her arms hang in the air.
Julie gave a quick shake of her head. "Nah ... my sister didn't bother to find out any thing about him."
"Hmmmm ... "
The auburn haired woman shot her friend a knowing smirk. "Hoping you'll get lucky too, Kayla? Why, you little minx."
"No ... just hoping that if you and your date hit it off, I won't have to hurt his friend's feelings when I leave."
"As good as you look ... girl ... he'll probably follow you home." Julie took a sip from her water bottle before setting it back in its holder.
Kensi gave the woman a scowl. "If he tries anything like that, I would end up hurting his feelings."
"Ohhh ... didn't know you liked it rough."
The snap of Kensi's towel against Julie's right thigh, cracked across the gym.
"Hey ... save it for Friday night Kayla!"
"Jules ... "
The gleam in Kensi's eyes shifted toward the murderous and Julie wisely decided that the subject needed to change before she found out what that towel felt like again.
"Okay ... okay ... so Friday night ... seven o'clock at The Grill."
Kensi knew the place but hadn't eaten there in quite some time. "That's a good place for a first date ... not too fancy and you can dress casual ... good idea."
"My sister eats there all the time ... she's the one that recommended it and made the reservations." Julie turned slightly to look over at her once more, her lips forming into a not so subtle pout. "So ... you'll do this for me?"
Kensi gave her a warm smile that she hoped looked sincere. "Yeah ... I'll be there." As she watched her friend's face turn from pleading to a much happier expression, a simple thought popped into her head.
I'll be there ... what's the worst that can happen?
...
A/N: Hey guys ... I know I was supposed to update The Broken Road, but the ideas for the next chapter of My Fault just wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote them down. I will offer a peace offering of two chapters for TBR next ... okay?
Leave a note at your pleasure.
Semper Fi
JS
