P/N: Here's some more Oldestman goodness. Yep, the crotchety old bastard is still with us and the world's a little better for that. He just passed this along to me and, except for a couple of break markers, it's exactly as it was when I first got it. If you're enjoying this story, buckle in because he's told me a little of what he's got planned and it should be a wild ride. Don't be afraid to PM Tom…sure he'll 'yell' at me about all the notes but I'm willing to take the heat as long as he's around to bitch about the attention. JT
A/N: Jaytoyz, make sure the readers know that several months have passed between the last chapter and this one. I don't feel much like going into detail about the wedding, honeymoon and Beckett's day-to-days during the same time period. Suffice to say, she's back into therapy and her captain has a watchful eye on her as does her team after she wigged out at the motel take-down.
Oh, yeah, she's screwing the writer boy whenever they find a flat surface, bound and determined to recapture what she had wanted with Castle but never admitted to herself until it was too late. In fact, she never admitted it at all.
Chapter 9
"He should have waited! He should have known how I felt. We had a connection, a gestalt, a – a partnership. He said 'always' and I believed him, Dr. Burke. God help me, but I thought I'd always have him and that eventually I could trust him with my heart but…"
Burke wanted to reach across the room and slap Kate Beckett for being such a self-denying yet selfish woman. Sure, she'd been hurt by Sorenson and Royce but that had been long ago and she admitted that Castle had been nothing like either of the two men she'd fallen in love with only to have her heart broken.
Sometimes he almost wished she'd stayed away after she'd passed her re-instatement requirements. Her 'issues', that weren't directly related to her shooting, were buried under layers of denial, obfuscation and outright lies. For one of the few times in his long career, he felt like he might not be the best therapist for this particular patient. Her whining and moaning and blaming everyone but herself was beginning to irk him on a personal level.
"Kate" Burke said, interrupting her mid-rant, "I don't think I can help you. I want you to see another therapist who might be more understanding. I've got a list of several colleagues, most of whom are women by the way, for you to consider. Perhaps a session with each would help you to make a selection."
He handed her the typed list and she recoiled like it was a snake or something.
"NO! You've helped me so much with the whole PTSD and sniper thing and I feel like I can be open with you since you don't judge me."
"Open? Do you really believe you're being 'open'? You refuse to discuss your feelings for Castle and – "
Beckett's temper flared and she spun to glare at the seated man, hissing out between gritted teeth, "There was no relationship. I was with Demming and then Josh and the only relationship we had was as colleagues and friends. I've told you everything – "
" - Except why you can't let Castle go, Kate!" His own temper flared and he immediately took a deep breath before attacking her slip of the tongue in a much calmer voice.
"I never said 'relationship', Kate. You did. Let's talk about why you're so upset when you didn't even bother contacting him after the incident at the alley crime scene. Oh, and just so you know, the famous Castle temper flared up early that morning and he apparently punched something unyielding and broke bones in his hand according to his medical records from Manhattan South Trauma. I requested the records but it took a letter from the Board to release them to me because he isn't my patient."
She paled and then whispered, "He got married. It was in the paper. He married that damned – " she took a deep breath that caught in her throat. "What am I gonna do? What's going to happen to me? He didn't wait. He said 'always' but he just wanted to get in my pants, score and – "
"Stop it, Kate! You were with someone else almost the entire time Castle worked with you. How do you think he felt working beside you, facing danger with you, saving each others lives, and then seeing you at the end of the day with those other guys? Put yourself in his boxers and look at it from his perspective. I doubt Castle's a mind reader but didn't you ever – no, I don't even need to ask the question, do I? You never told him to wait, did you? You never gave him a reason to hope."
She shook her slightly bowed head and her long hair shielded her from the psychiatrist's close scrutiny.
"You told me you never loved Demming and dumped him for Castle but he'd already moved along a bit with the ex-wife, so you hooked up with the cardiovascular surgeon and look how long that lasted. Until he asked you for a commitment, isn't that right?"
He watched her nod her head. He could tell she was crying silently and so he handed her the box of Puffs.
"Kate, unless you want to help yourself, unless you want to find out what's wrong, I can't help you. You've become a dancer in this office, putting on a good show but gliding around the questions we both know you need to ask yourself. I think that's all for today. In fact, unless the next time you come here you tell me that you want to open up these issues, I think you should save the taxpayers' money and just go to work each day."
Manhattan South Trauma Center
"Sir, you can't go back there!" the uniformed patrolman said as he manhandled Castle to the floor, trying to be as gentle as he could since he knew who he was and why he was there.
"Please…please….please, I have to see her" Rick begged,his voice broke on his tears and he could hear voices that he knew trying to calm him down.
"Castle, bro, you can't see her yet. The ME is doing her thing and then the forensics people need to survey the scene. It's pretty cut and dried – uh – I mean – " Esposito said as he took over from the patrolman.
A softer voice spoke directly into his ear. "If they let you up, you have to promise to respect my crime scene, Castle. You're just a civilian here and the rules apply to you just like anyone else."
Beckett was torn between wrapping Castle in her arms and holding him while he cried for another woman or being Detective Beckett.
Cop trumped former friend.
"Fine. Let me up. I'm fine now. I'm in control. I – I have to make some calls…Eric and Lexie and…and…"
Ryan grabbed Castle by the upper arm and with his partner, helped him stand and then led him down the crowded hallway to the ER waiting room that had been cordoned off from the public.
"Do you know what happened, Kevin? All they told me was that she was caught in some gangbanger crossfire and was killed. What happened?" Rick Castle asked in a pleading voice.
The funeral was a somber affair, just as it should have been. There were quite a few people from the hospital, of course, and several who'd known Ann and felt compelled to attend out of respect. And then there were the paparazzi…
"Rick!" his stepson of too little time said as he tried to hold him back from punching the photographer again.
"Dad" his daughter pleaded as she hung on to his arm while glaring at the man who had stuck a camera in Erik's face and shouted questions.
"God damn you fucking vultures! Get the hell out of here!" Castle took another step forward, dragging Erik and Alexis along with him. The photographer just smirked and backpedaled, taking another rapid series of pictures.
"Hey," yelled the photographer when Esposito snatched the camera from his hands and popped out the data stick and snapped it between his fingers.
"Move along. I'm a cop and you're trespassing on private property. I would love to bust your ass so go ahead, touch me." He shoved the photographer away from him and tossed him his camera.
"C'mon, Castle. Let's get the kids out of here." He grabbed Rick by the shoulder and led him to the area where the funeral home limousines were waiting for them. He leaned in and whispered, "You need to ease off the booze, Castle. The kids don't need a drunken sot. They need a strong man to hold them together. Ann would have slapped you silly for pulling this crap…"
Castle fell to his knees and started to cry, unable and unwilling to control his grief. He didn't care what anyone thought. He didn't care about anything anymore.
"I see from the papers that you and Ryan went to Ann Castle's funeral?" Beckett's tone was cool and nonjudgmental.
"Yeah. We felt we owed it to him. She was his world, Beckett, and some dirt bag gangbanger took her away from him."
Beckett took a sip of her coffee to hide the frown on her face. Once she had been his world but she'd been too stubborn and scared to acknowledge it.
"We'll give Castle some justice. Just – just don't let him get involved with it, okay? He's not to be a part of this. He's too close to – "
"I don't think he's sober enough to tie his shoes, Beckett." That comment earned him a glare from Beckett. Esposito didn't even blink.
"You should have smelled him at the cemetery. It was a wonder he could walk, let alone give a cogent and emotional eulogy, but he did. It wasn't until the paparazzi got into the act that he let himself 'feel' anything at all."
Kate took another sip of her cold coffee and grimaced. She should have gone to the funeral but somehow she'd made excuses for herself. Her father had gone in her stead. She needed to call him and talk about it.
"I'll talk to Gates. Pull the crime scene packet and let's get moving."
P/N:2 - Hope you enjoyed.
