After our little "catching up" we gave up on going to the gym, stayed in bed instead, talking about how the team was, what I've been up to. He asked about everyone, even Stark and the Warmachine guy who got injured in Leipzig, but he avoided speaking about Steve, switching topics or tell a joke when I tried to say something about what he'd done for me. I told him about how I started to train with Nat and how Wanda and I meditated and exercised our minds together, how Sam reacted when we told him we will bring him back. I tried to keep my story about the HYDRA mission as brief as I could even lying a little about it, so he wouldn't be too concerned.
- I want to talk about Steve - I finally said it out straight, turning from laying on my back with my head resting in his lap to face him.
- Do we really have to do this now? - he stroked my cheek still a little dazed after sex.
- Yes - I said deciding I'll not take no for an answer anymore in this matter. - He's probably packing his bags after the little show you just gave him and I don't want that. And I know that deep down you don't want to end your friendship because of this either.
- I don't know what you expect from me, Dr. Denham - he mocked me. - I can barely hold myself together as it is and now you're telling me my best friend wants to jump in bed with us from one day to the other and expect me to be okay with it.
- Well, first of all, I don't want him to jump in bed with anyone and sure, for you it seems sudden, but for us, it's like the time you and I moved to Budapest. We've been living together for quite some time now, went through some rough stuff too, it's still fresh, but we just… want to see if it could work - I tried to find the words. - Steve… he was so protective of me from the beginning, he wanted to make me feel like you never left and by that, I don't mean he wanted to take your place. He just wanted to fill the hole you left behind. I was a mess, I was living day to day clinging to my mission of curing you and he looked out for me, he gave me home, a family to trust, you have to see that he was never once wanting to take me from you. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to do that now either.
- You sound like his lawyer - he stated without much emotion.
- And is it working? - I asked smiling. - I just want you to know that he's not the bad guy here.
- Well, maybe he ain't - he shook his head. - But I still don't see how this could work. I mean, I wouldn't let you go over tonight and sleep with him to comfort him or something.
- Sure - I nodded - And I don't expect you to, I don't expect you to give up anything you have with me for him, I'd just like to… have your permission to spend time with him freely, without feeling the constant guilt over it. And that doesn't mean you can't be present when I'm with him, I just don't want all that testosterone and passive-aggressive provocation that you two are doing right now. I don't want to destroy your friendship.
- Sure you don't, baby - he agreed, his face so relaxed, so understanding now. - , but this is a somewhat more difficult test than what we had to endure so far.
- Really, fighting against him at Triskelion was not much more difficult?
- That wasn't like that - he objected. - I was the Winter Soldier then, now I am just Bucky again, and we never had the hots for the same girl back in the day, no girl could have ever been so important so we would fight over her. You are - he smiled at me. If it was a pick-up line, it was totally working. I leaned forward and planted a kiss on his full lips.
- Does this mean I'm so important that if I tell you to not fight, you won't?
- I'll try, but take it easy, I don't want to watch you two being… in love or whatever - he frowned at me.
- If we do anything that makes you uncomfortable or angry or whatever you will tell me, right?
- Even the thought of you holding hands makes me feel uncomfortable right now, but… whatever, I'll try my best to not go crazy or anything - he sighed.
- It's gonna be a new experiment, for all of us - I tried to look at the bright side. - And I will appreciate your efforts very very much, I promise - I added tracing my fingers down his chest and abs teasingly.
- That sounds good - he smiled at me, staying silent for a second, just looking in my eyes. - I love you, Kate. More than Steve or anything in this world. I love you so much that I'm even willing to share you with another man, so I wouldn't have to leave you - his eyes slowly filled with sadness again, my heart broke in a single second for him, my hand reaching over to brush his hair out of his face as he dipped it in admission of his feelings.
- I won't leave you either, I could never do that, you hear me? You are mine, I made you mine, remember? - I kissed his cheek gently and he held me close as I whispered into his ear. - You are my soldier, my life, my everything. Steve may also be important for me too, but what we have I will never have with him, not in a millennia. I will always love you.
We held each other for long minutes and the world seemed like some distant place, far away and with no effect on us. I knew I can't tell him that he will always come first for me, but in that moment I had no doubt he did and that if I ever have to choose between them, Steve would understand that too. I really hoped I will never have to.
I already felt bad about letting James have me or more like being so loud about it, I didn't want Steve to think I was Team Bucky all the way now. If I was I wouldn't have felt so bad I dreamt of him. I didn't quite remember what happened in my sleep, I just knew that I failed him, he fell down a dark pit because of me.
I woke up feeling sweating and aching with guilt again for Steve. I wondered if it will always feel this way: feeling bad for one if I do something with the other.
As sat up slowly I looked around and saw that James was not beside me anymore, but I heard no noise coming from the bathroom and I couldn't think of a reason he would go out without waking me up first. I instantly panicked, my heart rate going from 0 to hundred in a matter of seconds. What if he left? Or he had an episode, another nightmare and went out alone, out of control? I have to get Steve, I thought immediately, while I threw on my sweats and a t-shirt from my bag.
I ran over and entered his room with my keycard without knocking or even a second thought.
- Steve! - I called from the door. - James is… - as I entered I found both of them there, looking at me questioningly which stopped me mid-sentence. James sat on the bed I slept in and Steve faced him sitting on his own. They looked serious and a little bit like people who got interrupted. - I thought you went missing - I explained. - You should have told me where you were going, I got scared.
- You were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you - he shrugged. - And anyway, I thought I would be back before you wake up.
- I see - I nodded forcing my voice to keep low and calm. - And… what are you two doing here? - I asked the million dollar question. Seeing them here, talking like they weren't pissed at each other confused me.
- Talking - Steve replied motioning next to him with a welcoming smile, inviting me to sit next to them - About you. About the mess we made. Rules.
- Rules? - I asked cautiously, sitting down next to him. - What rules?
- Rules of well… - he chuckled. -, loving you, managing this weird relationship we are about to have.
- Steve and I agree that there has to be some… guidelines to be followed in order to keep our testosterone levels in check, as you put it - James added, smiling warmly, seeing I can't quite wrap my head around what's happening around me. Just the night before I thought I was the grown-up in this love triangle and the morning after I'm proven horribly wrong. - So no one gets hurt about the other getting close to you.
- And how are those guidelines? - I swallowed hard, looking from one man to the other. What the fuck happened while I was sleeping?
- Well, first of all, we promised we will stop teasing each other. Mainly, I will stop teasing Steve - James admitted. - And he will stop being such a pussy about his feelings - he mocked him grinning.
- I will try and not get distracted by what you two have and concentrate on what we can have, because I really like you, Kate.
- Okay, stop - I held my hands up. - What is this? Are you trying to trick me as revenge for me thinking we all can be okay together, that you two could share me? Is this some cruel prank on the cheating girlfriend or something? Because if it is, just tell me to get out now - I demanded. I was feeling confused beyond belief, scared out of my mind of their sudden change of heart.
- We are serious, baby - James took hold of my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. I just shook my head. - I came over around 3 in the morning, I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking about what we talked about. I came over and we've been talking eversince. Steve was about to leave like you said he would - the captain nodded confirmedly as I glanced over him. - I confess, we hit each other a few times, but eventually came to the conclusion that you really are important enough to be worth the mess.
- Buck wants to say that neither of us is ready to let you go yet - Steve added.
- You couldn't stand me touching you just hours ago - I scoffed at him in disbelief.
- Because I knew you belonged to my best friend, who needs you more than I do! You keep him sane, I couldn't do that, how could I take away something so precious from him? - he leaned forward asking all the right questions. - Then he came over and in a few hours said I have his blessing, that he is, in fact, willing to share the very thing that means the world to him, your affection, your attention - he smiled over at his friend.
- Are you really? - I looked over to him too, my eyebrows still furrowed.
- I still hold what I said earlier, we will need to take it slow, you two will have to take it slow, but yes, if this is what you really want, I am willing to give it a try. I want to move in with the team, I want us to go on with our lives, go on missions with Steve like old times and get back home to you together to tell you all about it. I want you to try and work my mind out and in the meanwhile let this unfold without rushing or anything. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of you together just yet, but I want us to be together. I can't imagine my life without either one of you, so yeah, we should try to make the best of this all.
I felt overwhelmed by my emotions just listening to him. I felt like I was in a dream from which I couldn't wake up. I should have felt happy, but I just felt scared of this sudden surge of understanding, of my joy turning out to be false, that it will crumble if I only let myself believe what he said. I felt all my doubts chew away on my soul of hurting them, of being hurt by them, someone leaving. What if in a few weeks it turns out that they can't take it, what if they turn against each other because of all this?
I buried my face into my hands and tried to breathe.
- Are you okay, Kate? - Steve asked next to me and when I didn't answer I felt his arms come up around me, folding me into his warm embrace and the bed dip under the weight of the other man sitting on my other side, stroking my thigh, trying to soothe me.
- I… - I tried to explain myself in a few minutes. - I'm scared of what might happen if something goes wrong.
- We all are, love - Steve said quietly. - But that's life, never knowing until we try. And we are here for you, we will try our best, right, Buck?
- Yes, absolutely - he agreed in a low voice, moving closer, the hard heat of their bodies lulling me into a pleasant numbness. - Everything for my best girl. Our best girl - he corrected gently.
- I really need to ask T'Challa what's in the water here, 'cause I can't believe you two - I finally managed to look at them. Steve chuckled and James just grinned at me, and I couldn't help but smile a little too. The blonde leaned in, stealing a look at James before kissing my forehead, then stood up.
- We should have breakfast - he called stretching his back, making his t-shirt's hem lift a little, revealing his abs. I reached out and placed my palm on his side involuntarily, like I was asking him to stay a little more, spreading my fingers out on the little ridges of his muscles, trying to convince myself that the heat I felt was real, that this all was real.
- Yeah, we should - I agreed, pulling away a minute later. Both of them stayed still for a second, but then Steve awkwardly started for the bathroom leaving us as James stood too to step closer to me.
- I hope you will feel better about this with time - he said quietly taking my hand into his, lifting it up to kiss the back of it. His eyes searched for my gaze, trying to guess how I am feeling. I smiled at him and leaned in to give him a kiss.
- I am happy you are willing to do this for me, for us - I squeezed his hand. It was obvious he was doing this all for me, to make me happy. - But can you be happy with this?
- Of course - he said looking me in the eye. - I wouldn't even consider doing this if it wasn't you and Steve. He's my best friend, after all, he brought me back from… you know. I wouldn't be much of a friend if I pushed him away from the woman he loves. You are the first person he really has a chance with after what happened with Peggy.
I heard the story of Steve and Peggy from Nat. He was too shy to act on his feelings and it was already too late when he did. He was making the same mistake with me maybe. Maybe I was doing the same, wanting this so much and getting scared when I finally seem to get it.
- Please don't hurt him - he added looking at me a little bit concerned. I was surprised by the way he protected Steve now, just yesterday he made me scream his name to let the captain know I was his and only his.
- I won't - I promised, but internally added "Intentionally." It wasn't going to be an easy ride for neither of us.
