I feel like I'm a sponge and somebody soaked me up with warm water and squeezed all the excess water out of me. That's probably a melodramatic description but that's literally the only way I can describe how I'm feeling. I don't have much energy and the little bit I woke up this morning with is just gone. I'm just drained, pretty much. As usual, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night in Shane's bed. First, he kept pulling all the covers off me and kicking me in the ass while he was sleeping. Then, as soon as I finally got comfortable enough to try and rest, it was time to wake up from school. I feel like I can just fall apart right now and I imagine my clothes mirror how I feel. I had a pair of jeans and a lace blouse out to wear this morning but I just didn't have it in me and I really hope Alex understands today. Instead of my original outfit, I have a pair of Shane's grey sweatpants on with the Nike logo across the butt and one of my old soccer t-shirts. The soccer shirt used to fit me when I was like nine, so needless to say it's a little small on me but I don't care. It comes up a little around my waist so my hips and lower stomach are out but I promise that I just don't care.
With what little strength I can muster up inside of me, I carry my geography book and binder into the classroom and take my seat at the front of the room. Lately I've been sitting in the back with Heather, Leah and Steph but I just don't feel like walking back there. They know what they're doing on the project and if they need me they can just come to me. I slouch down in my seat and but my head down on the desk. My hair falls messily down around my face and arms and at this point, I just want to cry. In my tiredness this morning, I forgot to grab a ponytail holder so I'm stuck with ten pounds of hair in my face all day. I'm about ten seconds away from crying. I'm seriously debating on taking a pair of scissors to my hair at this point.
"Jo, are you coming back here?" Steph calls out to me from the back of the room. I keep my head down and just shake it. "Do you want us to come to you?" I shake my head again. "Are you okay?" Once again, I give her a shake. As long as I've been in school, I've only fallen asleep once. I fell asleep during quiet time in kindergarten and haven't fallen asleep in school since. I'm half-tempted to just go to sleep right now. Exhausted doesn't even describe me at this moment. Beside me, I hear the scuffle and clanking of desks and chairs being moved. Please just leave me alone. I'm literally begging. Someone gives me a sharp, hard poke with a bony finger on my shoulder blade. "Are you dead?" Steph's voice is dead in my ear now. No, but I wish I were. Didn't I tell you guys not to come up here and bother me?
I sluggishly pick up my head and just look at the three of them. Heather touches the part of the desk I was lying on to see if I was drooling, I assume. "Who ran you over with a pickup truck?" I just squint at her instead of talking, which speaks volumes. "Sorry. Rough morning?"
"Rough night." I mumble, clasping my hands over my face and pushing my hair back. "I slept with Shane last night and got kicked in the ass the whole time. I just need a minute."
"You did WHAT with Shane?" Leah's eyes widen and her face gets instantly red.
"Ew, ew Leah. No. Not… not like that. I slept in his bed, I mean. And he kept kicking me in the ass the whole night so I didn't even sleep much. I'm just so tired…" I stifle a large yawn and hold my face in my hands.
"…Can I ask why you didn't just sleep in your own bed for all that?" Steph sweeps a piece of my hair away from my hands and lovingly pats my back.
"…My grandmother spent the night in the hospital so I had to stay with his family last night. I just really need to go to sleep. I'm not even sure how I'm functioning right now to be honest."
Heather puts her hand on the back of my head and pushes it down to the desk. "Well we just need to discuss the plan for tonight. We're still coming over your house to bake the Biscotti for tomorrow, right?"
"…Fuck." I purposely bang my head against the desk out of frustration. "I completely forgot…"
"Jo, it's fine. We can always just go to the bakery and buy two packs of Biscotti. It's the little cookies in the showcase that look like cut slices of bread or whatever. My mom buys them all the time. We don't have to bake them." Leah rubs the spot on my head she thinks I smacked off the desk. "Don't beat yourself up about it… literally."
"I'm sorry guys. I'm seriously out of it today. I'm tired and my mind hasn't been all the way here with this stuff with my gram and all… I'm so sorry." I yawn once again. Oh shit, is that my breath smelling like that? I knew not brushing my teeth this morning was a bad idea but I thought I could get away with it at least until lunch. "…Do any of you guys have a stick of gum? Mint gum?" I whine.
"I only have Double Bubble…" Heather grabs her purse from the desk behind her. "You still want it?"
"…No. My breath smells and bubble gum will probably just make it worse. I need minty gum."
"Didn't you brush your teeth this morning?"
"…I was tired! I'm lucky I put on deodorant…"
Steph and Leah both bust out in laughter at the same time. Steph pushes my head down on the desk again. "Okay honey…" She switches the tone in her voice to a joking, loving, motherly voice. "It's bed time for you. Lie down… go 'head. We'll wake you up when the bell rings. Go night night, Jojo. Night night…"
"…Shut up." I just glare at her. "I'm not gonna go to sleep because I'm not comfortable. I won't be able to sleep until I get home in my own bed. I have to be comfortable to fall asleep, that's why I couldn't fall asleep in Shane's bed last night. I wasn't comfortable… plus Shane kept kicking me in the butt."
"What do you mean he kept kicking you in the butt?" Leah questions me. Oh, I forgot. She has to know every little thing Shane does. "Like literally kicking you in your butt? Or are you being sarcastic?"
"I'm being serious. He sleeps at the top of the bed and I sleep at the bottom. His foot kept going in my butt last night. And he kept pulling the covers." I sigh. "I don't usually care if he pulls the covers because it's usually hot in his room but his mom turned on the air conditioning yesterday and it was freezing! And Shane knows how I am. He knows that I can't sleep in pants or socks and he kept pulling covers and I was so cold. I hate sleeping at his house on school nights. I was seriously about to get on the floor but his dog was sleeping on the floor."
"You sleep in his bed with no pants on?!" This time, Steph seems to be the surprised one. "Seriously?!"
I roll my eyes at her comments. "Okay, I'm gonna explain this to the three of you just this once, and then we will NEVER talk about this again. Get it?" I try hard to mask the fact that I'm beginning to get irritated with their constant assumptions and astonishment about things when it comes to me and Shane but I don't think I can. It's starting to really piss me off because I know what they're implying when they say these things. "Shane Anthony Ross is my BROTHER. Literally, my brother. I… I clip his toenails because he doesn't know how to! When I had the chicken pox, he was the one that scratched my back for me. I think he is the most disgusting human being on this planet and he thinks the same about me. For god's sake, we used to have farting and burping competitions! I'm not attracted to him in the slightest way and he's not attracted to me. I've known him since I was three. We used to…" I tune my nose up at what I'm about to say, but I really feel like it's necessary for them to know how brother/sister me and Shane's relationship really is. "When we toddlers, we used to share the toilet. He used to sit on one side and I'd sit on the other when we had to use the bathroom, because we were both too little and we didn't want each other to fall in. It's never been like that with me and Shane. So yeah, I sleep in the bed with him in my underwear and he sleeps in his boxers. It's not weird… it's… it's normal to us."
"…That's sick. You guys would poop together?" Leah looks playfully disgusted by that.
"…Yeah. Thinking back about it, it was disgusting. But that's the shit we used to do together. His mom would spank him and I would cry and vice-versa. It's never been like that with me and Shane. I never even thought about him like that. Ever."
"That's sick… in a cute way." She shakes her head at me. "..But what'd you say his middle name was? He dead-ass won't tell me! I asked him on the phone last night and he really wouldn't tell me. What's his middle name?"
"Anthony. It's really Anthony-James, but we just use Anthony. He was named after his dad. His dad's name was Anthony James Ross but his dad didn't want him to be a jr. so they just hyphenated his middle name instead. It's Anthony-James and he hates it. If you wanna piss him off, call him Anthony-James. He doesn't get so mad if you just use Anthony though." Shane will probably have an attitude with me later for telling Leah his middle name but I honestly don't care. He's done a lot of things that have pissed me off within the last week.
"Anthony-James…" Leah whispers to herself. I can tell that I just gave her the most vital piece of information ever. Whatever floats her boat, though?
"What's your middle name, Jo? Is it like… Anne? So you're like a Jo Anne? Get it?" Steph tries to make a joke but I don't find it funny. Joanne is almost as bad as Josephine.
"…You can't laugh at me for it." I can't even look her in her eye. "Just remember that my grandma named me. I was named by an old person."
"Jo's not exactly an old person name though. I mean, Jo's not bad…"
"That's not my full name though."
"It's not? But that's even the name that's in the yearbook for you… it's really not?"
"Nope. Grab my elementary yearbooks and that's a totally different story. The school knows that Jo's not my full name but it's what they use because that's how I sign all of my school papers and documents and stuff. I don't know… it's weird." I shrug.
"Well are you gonna tell us your middle name or not?" Heather suddenly seems very interested in what I have to say and so does Leah. "Just tell us your full name. From start to finish."
"…My middle name is Gertrude." I can't even say that with a straight face. If they knew me as well as some people know me they'd know when I was lying.
"…Oh my god, no." Leah's jaw just dropped. Steph looks like she just tasted poop and Heather is smiling like she enjoys it or something.
"No, I'm just joking with you guys. It's Leanne. Josephine Leanne."
"JOSEPHINE?!" Steph exclaims.
"Shhh! I don't need the whole grade knowing my name!" I clamp my hand over her mouth. "But yes. It's Josephine. Call me Josephine and I'll rip your voicebox out. I already know how lame it is. I was named by an old person, remember? Josephine and Leanne are both pretty rough, huh?"
"…I don't think Leanne is too bad. That's actually rather acceptable. But Josephine? Yikes." Leah giggles. "But my middle name isn't any better. Mine's Elizabeth, boring and plain."
Steph raises her hand. "Can't get any worse than Marie over here."
"Mine's Lynn." Heather squeaks.
"…Yeah, we all have pretty sucky middle names. Stephanie Marie, Leah Elizabeth and Heather Lynn… I'd say we all got pretty screwed."
"Don't forget yourself… Josephine." Heather giggles when she says that and I want to kill her.
I clench my teeth and glare at her. "Shut. It."
Just five more periods. Five more periods until you can go home. You're okay. You can make it. I've been giving myself pep-talks in my head all day and I have to say that it isn't working. I'd like to think that I'm okay and my little talks inside my head are helping me get through, but the truth is that I'm literally drowning. I found myself falling asleep in Spanish class after geography, I tried so hard to keep myself awake last period in study hall and I just couldn't do it. The only good thing that's come from the day so far is the fact that I haven't cried yet. I just don't think I've ever been this tired before. You can do this for five more periods. You can do it. Just get through lunch, English, chemistry, computer apps, and geometry. You can do this.
I'm too tired to even pick my feet up while I'm walking, so I drag my feet out to my locker to stuff the books I attempted to study from last period into my locker. I toss the books in the top part of the locker and rest my head against it. Alex said to wait here for him before I go to lunch today. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll take a little bit longer to get here. I'll just rest my eyes for two seconds… I really can do this. I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm not tired. You're not tired, Jo. You're okay. Just as I'm about to open up my eyes, who I assume is Alex taps me on my shoulder. "Jojo!" He shouts. Wrong. Not Alex, Shane.
I can't even muster up enough strength to do anything other than just stare at him. "Guess what's for lunch today." Shut up, Shane. I don't really care what's for lunch. Instead of saying that out loud, I just yawn at him. I want to be mad at Shane. He's the reason I'm so tired in the first place. He's the reason I'm hardly functioning right now. If it wasn't for his constant ass-kicking last night, I wouldn't be this exhausted. Plus, I realized just by sitting in a chair all morning that the spot that he kept kicking me in actually hurts. My ass hurts, I'm exhausted, I'm barely functioning and it's his fault. I can't help but yawn again, bigger this time and blowing out more of my own breath. Shane pulls his head back away from me and waves his hand in the air. "Wooo…. Did somebody forget to brush their teeth this morning?"
Don't you dare do it, Jo. Don't you dare. I feel my bottom lip slide out from underneath of my top lip, poking out into a pouting position and my jaw starts trembling. I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it. I close eyes just as the tears slide out of them and my chest jolts and hiccups with the severity of my sobbing. I can't even describe the noise coming out of mouth right now, but I don't even attempt to shut it up. I just stand there in front of Shane wailing like a toddler that just got told no for the first time. If I had to guess, I'd say my crying moan is a cross between a "ehhhh" and a "mmmm". By this point, I'm sure people are staring at me but I don't really care. I'm crying and I can't stop it. And I know Shane is freaked out by now. I busted out in tears like this in front of him once before and he just walked away.
"Are you serious right now or are you just messing with me?" He asks because I can make myself cry at the drop of a hat if I need to. It's something I learned when I was younger. It worked for me against my gram until I was about five and she realized that I was doing it on purpose. Now she knows when I'm faking and she'll usually swat me in the leg or something if I fake cry to get my way. "Are you being serious?" I don't know why, but the fact that he asked that a second time just makes me feel even worse. My head throws back and I snivel, weeping harder and harder. "Okay, okay!" He pulls me into a hug. "I'm… I'm sorry? I think." He rubs my back. "Your breath doesn't stink… I was just joking."
"I… I…" Pull yourself together now. Enough is enough. I sniff and wipe my face with Shane's t-shirt sleeve. "I was… I was too tired to brush my… my teeth this morning, okay?" I sniff again and pull out of the hug we're sharing. Well, not really sharing; he's hugging me and I'm standing still but yeah. "I'm okay. I needed to do that." I clear my throat pretty hard and do one last wipe over my eyes. "I'm so tired… I'm like… falling asleep in every class and I feel like I'm running on fumes. I can't even keep my eyes open…"
"So go home. Your grandma is probably home by now and even if she isn't, my mom could come get you on her lunch break. Why don't you just go home?"
"Because I don't wanna bother anybody to come get me just because I'm sleepy. That's not a good reason to go home early." Behind him, I catch a glimpse of Alex approaching us. I sniff away the remnants of my tears again fix myself. "Are my eyes red?"
"Yeah. You look like you just got done bawling your eyes out." He reaches in his pocket and hands me his pack of travel tissues. "I told you about just busting out in tears like that in front of me. I didn't even say anything to you and you just started crying out of nowhere. Quit doing that." He reaches in the same pocket and hands me a stick of peppermint flavored Extra gum.
I open the gum, pop it in my mouth before Alex gets to me and toss the wrapper on the ground. "It was an accident. I was on the verge of crying all morning and that just did it for me. You could've been nicer about telling me that my breath stinks. Besides, you should've known that I already knew how smelly it was." I suck on the gum in my mouth so the scent will mask my breath. "You can leave now. I'm going to lunch with Alex."
"Well gee, I love you too Jo." He playfully pushes me back by my forehead and leaves quickly, before I even get a chance to hit him back. I roll my eyes and turn to meet Alex who just now made it to me.
"Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Is the first thing he says to me. No "Hey, what's up?" No "How has your day been so far?" None of that. Just the snide comment about how I look. I would make a comeback about how he's dressed today but I don't really have much to say. He looks like he stepped out of the shower and came straight here. His blue jeans are nicely ironed, his white sneakers are really clean and his brown sweater with a dark blue Abercrombie moose on the breast looks nice against his muscular build. I don't have a comeback.
"I totally wasn't in the mood for school this morning…" Instead of trying to match his smart-assedness, I just decide to tell him the truth about why I look like crap. We start walking down the hall to the lunch room and once again, I can just feel the eyes glaring at me. I try not to let it make me too nervous though. "You have no idea what it's like to wake up some mornings and just not feel like squeezing into a pair of tight jeans."
"Is it that time of the month?" He asks so casually, as if he's a girl himself and he's having a girl-to-girl talk with me. He doesn't even make it weird. He just lets the question roll smoothly off his tongue like it's a completely normal thing to ask.
"…Um…" As always, a smile spreads across my face. I'm always so smiley and giddy while I'm with him. I haven't quite figured out how to control my emotions around him just yet. "No, it's not. And even if it was, it's not like I'd just come out and say that to you…" I shudder just thinking about periods. I really don't like period talks. I don't like thinking about lady parts and all the happenings of them. It's just a little… weird, I think. "I just didn't feel like dressing up this morning."
"I'm just saying. I have a sister and a mother; I know how those things work." We finally get into the cafeteria start walking over towards the table we usually sit at.
"Oh so you're just a woman expert, aren't you?" I run my hand through my messily wavy hair and shake it so it falls just the way I want it to. I can't even explain how I'm feeling right now because I honestly don't… know. It's like… I'm wearing baggy sweatpants that are rolled around my waist because they're too long and a t-shirt that is about three sizes too small for me. I'm dressed like a bum but I still want to… act like a girl or something around him. I'm usually cool with looking like a total slob when I'm dressed like one, but I really just want my hair to at least be perfect around him. I can't explain it. It's maddening and pretty weird. "You know just about everything you need to know about women then."
"I actually put that on a college application. I'm a seventeen year old woman expert. You'd be surprised how many colleges are beating down my door just to get me to attend." Hell, even his sarcasm is perfect. I can tell that it's sarcasm and he's speaking fluent bullshit but the way he says it makes me want to believe it's true. Is there anything he doesn't do perfectly? Isn't there something he's not good at? "Most of those colleges would kill just to eat lunch with me. And they'd probably dress a little nicer, too. Just saying…"
I suck my teeth at him and sit down in the spot that I've been sitting in for the past four days. "Whatever, jerk. I'd like to see you get up every day, do your makeup, make sure your hair and outfit go together and make it in time to catch the bus. It's not as easy as you probably think it is." Why am I suddenly not even tired anymore? "Some days, I'm lucky if I even put on pants. I'd come to school in my pajamas if I could."
"Relax, Malibu Barbie." He sits down next to me and scoots his chair in towards the table. "I'd be more concerned if you came to school dressed like every day is a fashion show."
"You would?"
"Well, yeah. That only means you're uptight and don't know how to let loose. Either that or you're a stuck-up cheerleader brat that thinks everybody wants you. Whichever description you choose is pretty much accurate."
"So… wearing nice clothes every day somehow translates into A., you're a stuck-up cheerleader brat that thinks everybody wants you or B., you're an uptight bitch that doesn't know how to get her nose dirty?" I run my hand through my hair again. "And dressing like a bum somehow means the opposite?"
"Here, I'll show you." He puts his hand against my chin and turns my head towards the middle of the cafeteria. "Right there. That's the cheerleader table." He discreetly points to the largest table in the cafeteria that is strategically placed directly in the middle of everything. "None of them would ever be caught dead wearing what you're wearing. They're all prude, uppity little bitches that think that every boy in the school wants to climb in bed with them when in reality, we all just make fun of them. And they have to dress in such a way that reflects their attitude, otherwise they can't sit at the table. They wouldn't be caught dead in sweats." He turns my head to the second largest table in the cafeteria. "And those are the guys that they think want them. The jocks. The football players, the baseballers, the basketballers. Those girls are nothing more than dirty locker room talk."
"…Is that why they all stare at me when we walk in the cafeteria together? Is it because I'm breaking their code or whatever?"
"Who, the jocks? No, they stare at you because you have a big ass." He laughs softly and I just look at him for the longest time. I can't figure out if he's serious or if he's joking. I don't really think my butt is that big… it's actually pretty…small. Should I tell him that I meant the cheerleaders, not the jocks? Before I can even make a decision, he opens his mouth again. "Secretly, they all want one of you." I squint my eyes at him like he's Shane and he'll be able to understand what my facial expressions mean. "They're supposed to be super attracted to the cheerleaders. Jocks are supposed to date cheerleaders so they spend most of their time convincing each other that they're into members of the cheer squad when in reality, they all want one of you. The girls that dress in what they're comfortable in, keep their heads down and don't act like they're the hottest things in the school, even though they are. Jocks secretly like the Mers, the Cristinas, the Apes, the Yous. It's a known fact."
"Oh, it's a known fact?"
He nods like he knows he just said something groundbreaking to me. "Why do you think Jackson's with Ape? Nobody wants a girl that walks around every Friday in uniforms that show off their butts. They're more attracted to the girls with self-respect."
"So is that why you're my friend?"
He nods his head again. "…Well that, and you have a big ass."
I instinctively slap him on his arm. "You're such a jerk!" My everlasting smile is still going strong and even more so now, it won't go away. I really ought to learn how to control my smiling and giddiness around him. But I don't really think I want to control it. "…So don't think I forgot. I still wanna know why you want me to wear a tank top and a jacket to school tomorrow."
"Oh my goodness. Use your imagination, okay?" He slouches down in his chair and blindly fixes a curl at the top of his head. "You refuse to let me surprise you."
"…I told you last night that I hate surprises." I reach up and brush his hair forward, which kind of makes him flinch a little. The curl he attempted to fix didn't lie down the first time he tried so I just fixed it for him. That's all. "You don't think that's just a little bit cruel? You're making me wait until lunch TOMORROW to find out why you wanted me to wear a tank top and a jacket. Plus, that's not really showing school spirit. There's a pep rally tomorrow and you're asking me to wear a tank and a jacket. That's doesn't scream Go Bulldogs! to me."
"Don't worry about that. You'll be showing your school spirit tomorrow no matter what. And I'm not gonna make you wait until lunch to find out. I'll tell you why tomorrow in breakfast."
"Can I at least have a hint?!" Underneath the table, I cross my legs and lean forward. I hadn't even noticed that Jackson, April, Cristina and Meredith have all sat down and began eating their lunches. I must really be lost in the conversation Alex and I are having. "You can't just tell me to wear something you want me to wear without telling me why."
He sighs hard. "You're a bug-a-boo."
"Am I bugging you?" I say with mock sarcasm. I know I'm bugging him but I don't really care. I need to find out why he wants me to wear something as basic as a tank top and a jacket. I mean, should I wear jeans at all? Should I go home and straighten my hair? Should I even worry about wearing makeup tomorrow? And my shoes? "Do you just want me to dress like a bum again tomorrow? If that's the case, then just say so."
He sighs again. "Just wear a white tank top, if you have one. If you don't have white, black will do. I don't care what color jacket you wear, if you even wear a jacket at all. Just make sure you have the tank top at least." He pinches the bridge of his nose. "You know what? You can even wear a long sleeved shirt if you want to. You can wear a long sleeved white shirt, a long sleeved black shirt. Or don't wear a shirt at all. I don't care. Just… don't dress in something you care about people seeing." He throws his hands up. "That's all you're getting out of me."
"…Okay, and my shoes? What about my makeup? How should I do my hair?"
He throws his head back. "I have something for you to wear tomorrow, okay?! I'm going to bring it to school. I didn't want you to dress all nice and be mad at me if I asked you to go in the bathroom and change out of your pretty clothes. Alright? Are you satisfied now?"
"…But why a tank top and a jacket? Any specific reason?" So am I just supposed to trust him when he says something like that? For all I know, he can have something that'll spell ridiculous for me to wear tomorrow. And at the pep rallies, the football players like to host little things like pie-in-the-face contests, dunk tanks and hot dog eating competitions. They usually pick members from the audience to compete. Is he thinking about dragging you out there? Oh hell no, I'm not doing any of that. "I kinda need to know what you have planned, you know…"
"You're driving me up a tree." He closes his eyes and doesn't open them for a very long time. "My away jersey, okay? All the players are wearing our white jerseys to school tomorrow… our home jerseys, because the game is home tomorrow. My away jersey is purple. So just dress to wear purple tomorrow."
He wants me to wear his jersey? But… but like… that's not for me. I mean, girls do that all the time. But usually when girls wear a boy's jersey, the boy is her boyfriend. It's sort of a tradition at school, it happens every Friday. The football players wear their jerseys to school and their girlfriends wear whichever jersey isn't being worn for that week. I always thought it was kind of cute how the boyfriends and girlfriends matched for the day. My smile just widens. Stop smiling so much, he's gonna think you're stupid. "So um… I should probably do my makeup in a shade of purple."
He squints at me like he wants to bite my head off. "…And it's a large, so bring something to tie it up so it'll fit you better." He just starts slowly shaking his head at me. "Don't think too much into it, either."
"…But people are gonna think we're a couple if I wear your jersey." I mumble. I really only meant for myself to hear that but I said it loud enough for him to hear too.
"So what?"
"…But we're not a couple…." I look up at him. "Are we?"
"You ask way too many questions, Wilson."
