Hmmmm. It is the day after yesterday. Maybe I'm just tired but I wrote a chapter yesterday. We're moving right along. Here we are in Chapter 9 of LIAS. That's right, it's almost time for the double-digit chapters. Let's take a moment to remember all the good times we've had in the single-digit chapters………. You know I really thought that would take longer. Anyway, I won't keep you from reading any longer, but I have to ask. Did any of you go check that cover of FLEX magazine? Creepy huh? Anyway on with the shoooooooow!

Life in Albion Sucks Chapter 9:

Anonymous awoke in the guild, as he had so many times. He crawled out of bed and dressed himself with difficulty. Walking down the stairs, he met with the guild master.

Baldy: Ah, you're awake. Maze is looking for you Hero. You should go to his quarters immediately.

Anonymous did NOT want to go to Maze's room, but he realized he had no choice. Setting off across the guild lawn, arriving at the stairs to Maze's chambers. He slowly climbed the stairs, only to meet with a horrible sight. Maze was standing in the center of the room, holding a bong in one hand and a beer in the other. A disco ball on the ceiling spread light throughout the room. The floor was covered in a thick, pink, fuzzy rug, and the walls were some sort of neon zebra stripe pattern. Maze himself was dancing to a "Village People" CD. Anonymous stood, dazed and afraid, for several seconds before Maze noticed him and invited him in.

Maze: Theeeeeeeeere you are! Dude! I just found the most awesome thing ever…. If I blink 3 times, then I lift up my hand, then I look at my autographed picture of a rabid rhinoceros, then I blink 3 more times, then I look at my hand, it's……hic….. it's lifted up for some reason! Isn't that weird?

Anonymous:……………….?

Maze: Oh yeah….. you need to find that guy I know. Now who was dat…… Jerry? No…….. Phillip? Nope………. J. Edgar Hoobastank? Nada…….. Oh yeah! Find the smart guy! He is in that very very wood place…… if you find him, tell him I want Stan back…. He was my favorite bong of all……

Maze ran into a corner and began crying and smoking in a strange breathe-in breathe-out combination. Anonymous shook his head and walked out the doorway, and out of the guild. He arrived in Witchwood after a few hours, and began searching for the Smart Guy. After searching for what seemed like decades, he met another enormous stone door with a face.

Door: If you can guess my name, you can come in. For no apparent reason, you will no my name if you hit those rocks with a stick. Cool huh? Oh and by the way, it's not the obvious one. That'll make balverines kill you. It's the least likely most idiotic name you've ever heard.

After hitting the rocks in order, Anonymous discovered the door's name, Hits. After countless hours of mocking Hits for his moronic name, Anonymous continued through the door and into a small cave. There, he met a skinny, shivering nerd.

Smart Guy: Hello. I am the Archeologist. Who are you?

Anonymous: ………………..?

Archeologist: Of course that's not my full name. My full name is Gary "The Archeologist" Gary Gary.

Anonymous: …………….?

Gary: Because I got sick of being called Gary Gary Gary.

Anonymous: ……………..?

Gary: No it wasn't just me. My sister's name was Marsha.

Anonymous:…………………..

Gary: Indeed. Anyway, now that you've found me that means I'm going to have bad things happen to me. Nice going. I'd better run as fast as I can then. Goodbye.

And so, Gary Gary Gary ran from the cave and darted across Witchwood, never to be seen again. Anonymous left the cave and headed for Knothole Glade. He headed for the tavern, only to meet up with Jim, the Arena Guard.

Jim: Oh god, not you again. Do you know how much money I lost because you survived that battle? I had to be stationed in Bargate. Thanks a lot jackass.

Anonymous: …………………….?

Jim: Yeah, the famous prison. You know I heard we're keeping a few heroes in there, famous ones at that. We've got this one prisoner, Scarlet Robe; I think she got arrested for mooning balverines or something. Anyway she's pretty cool, we play dominoes on Tuesdays. Well, catch ya later.

Jim walked off into Knothole Glade, beer in hand. Anonymous sat at the bar thinking about what Jim had said. Scarlet Robe was a familiar name to him. He had heard the legends of the great Balverine Slayer. He began to ask around about her, and soon found that a statue of her had been erected in the center of town……….

Maze: HAHA! YOU SAID "ERECTED"!!!!!!

Maze! What are you doing! Get out of here you're not in this yet.

Maze: Awwww…… I wanna see the erected statue…..

That's not what I mean. Get your mind out of the gutter dude.

Maze: Gutter? ……… BUTTER! I like butterflies…

Anyway where was I? Ah yes, and so Anonymous ran to the statue as quickly as possible, and was shocked to see that Scarlet Robe was none other than his own mother. That's right Anonymous, yo momma so fat she be slayin' Balverines! Horrified of the thought of her trapped in Bargate, he ran around in circles for awhile and then went to find Jim. Jim was on his way out of town, headed for the lake.

Anonymous: …………….!!!!!!

Jim: Bargate Prison? Well unless you're a guard you can only get in there as a prisoner. Actually, there is a way, an old graveyard road. Head to Litchfield Graveyard, you should find some way in through there.

Anonymous thanked Jim (sort of) and ran off to Bowerstone. He headed down the prison path, past the windmill, over Headsman's Hill, and into Litchfield Graveyard. Once there, he spoke to the grave keeper.

Grave keeper: The graveyard? You don't want to go in there. There's some bad things in there, seriously.

Anonymous: ………………………!

Grave keeper: Well, alright. It's your funeral. Actually you won't get a funeral I'll probably just throw you in an empty grave and forget about you. Run along then.

Anonymous sprinted through the gates, setting his sights on the faced door nearby. He ran to the door, which began to speak.

Door: Look dude, I'm really bored right now and I just can't think of anything cool to make you do, so just run around and get beaten on by zombies and MAYBE I'll let you through.

So Anonymous turned and began fighting of the horde of undead soldiers spilling from the ground each second. His sword singing as it sliced through the air. He would turn left, thrusting his sword into the chest of an attacker before ripping it from them and slicing off the head of another. Finally he stood among a mass of bodies, his sword in hand.

Grave keeper: You just killed my entire family! My mother, my mother in law, my sister, my wife, my grandfather, even my uncle Joe…….. Thank you! I'd better start digging…

The door decided that the entire mess was entertaining enough, and allowed Anonymous to pass through. Anonymous walked down the graveyard path, killing the occasional zombie. At last, he reached Bargate Prison. He crept carefully past the guards until he reached his mother's cell.

Mother: Carl? Is that you? WHY DO YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME CARL! BRING ME MY TATER TOTS!

Anonymous: …………………

Mother: Oh god it's you…… didn't I abort you?

Anonymous: ……………………?!?!?

Mother: Oh nothing, nothing. Anyway could you GET ME OUT OF HERE?!

And so Anonymous unlocked his mother's cell. The two of them tried to creep out of the prison, but their escape was impeded by a gigantic squid-like creature known as the Kraken.

Kraken: I do say my good man, you can't go through here. Hmmmm yes. You're going to have to turn back eh chap? Just go on back to the cell then. Right-o.

Anonymous stared at the creature for a few minutes, then he threw a heaping handful of kool-aid mix at it.

Kraken: Oh bugger….

Anonymous and his mother continued running past the kraken, and came face to face with….. uh….. Jack of Blades…..

Jack: I…. am….. Jack?

Ahem?

Jack: Uhhh… of Blades?

And?

Jack: And I am not a pirate, famous actor, or clay skeleton……

Very good Jack, now keep going.

Jack: Ummmm….. line!

You.

Jack: Ok…. YOU….. line!

Oh come on…. Are.

Jack: ARE…… line!

You've got to be kidding me!

Jack: Line!!!

Whatever….. never going to escape, Hero.

Jack: NEVER GOING TO SCRAPE ROBERT DE NERO!

You know what? I still hate you.

Jack: NOW YOU ARE MINE HERO! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!

And so, Jack summoned his minions and guards. They dragged Anonymous and his mother to their cells. Anonymous was thrown into his cell, all of his weapons and clothes taken from him. His cellmate, Jitters McForkenhorgen, approached him.

Jitters: I know you! You're that total loser! What are you doing here?

Anonymous: ……………………!

Jitters: I don't know why we get pants. We're just lucky I guess. Hey, in a bit we're going to have a race. Cool huh? If you win, you go to the Warden's office, if you lose they make you listen to Beegees records. Alright, here we go.

The guard came in and pulled everyone from their cells. They were taken to the courtyard and forced to run around in circles for no reason in particular. Anonymous emerged as the victor because he threw things at people the entire time. He was taken immediately to the Warden's office.

Warden: So, you're the winner eh? Alright, I'm gonna sing a song! Roses are red…. Violets are gay…. B comes before C….. and I like grapefruit…..

The Warden walked off into a corner and began eating his own leg. Anonymous saw his opportunity and rushed out the door. He made his way to the guard's quarters, retrieving his gear and a guard uniform. He put on the uniform and ran to his mother's cell. He freed her, and the two escaped to Bowerstone.

MEANWHILE….

Jack of Blades crept into the suburban neighborhood, avoiding streetlights and cars as much as possible. He approached the house at the very top of the hill, sneaking through the door. He knew all but one of the occupants was fast asleep, so he crept silently through the hallways, arriving at the door to the computer room. He opened the door slightly, finding his target sitting across the room, typing quickly. Jack snuck forward, stepping over the dog and grabbing the teen by the neck. He the slammed the author's face repeatedly into the keybonhfsdgahdgdadgaag hdrg a4tr 9r 0ytrg 8r5 rt5 tjutgi0tgji.

HIS TASK COMPLETE, JACK OF BLADES RULED OVER ALL!!! THE HERO IMMEDIATELY SUFFERED A HORRIBLE ITCH, AND HIS MOTHER WALKED INTO JACK'S LAIR WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ARGUMENT! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA! THE HERO THEN LOST A SINGLE GENITAL, AND EVERYBODY GREW A BEARD! EVEN THE WOMEN! MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, JACK CREPT SILENTLY OUT THE DOOR, KICKING THE LITTLE DOG, AND STEALING ALL OF THE BOTTLES OF VAULT AND RED BULL REMAINING IN THE HOUSE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

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………………………. Ok that was just annoying… I'm going to need to figure out what just happened. Seems I've reached my necessary page number for this chapter. Time for me to take a break now. I will see you all in chapter 10, where I will conclude the main portion of LIAS. You know what happens after that? LOST CHAPTERS! YEAH! If you've still never played Lost Chapters, you REALLY should pick it up while you can. Just get together 20 bucks (actually it's only like 10 bucks used) and get the game. If you've never played Fable, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! It would be A LOT funnier if you knew what it all meant. Fable is one of the best games I've ever played. I'm sure you all agree, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. Now that I have your attention, you will ALL read Spearofhope's Lord of the Anklet: Friendship Club of the Anklet. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will fall victim to the pony pops! Also you won't send me all this hate mail about waiting for new chapters!

And if you want to send hate mail or good mail or any mail at all, please do. look forward to hearing from you. Till next time, I would simply like to state for the current historical record that…

Roses are red,

Violets are gay,

B comes before C,

And I AM AT ONE WITH NUGGETS!!!!!