AN: One person reviewed last chapter! I feel so special... not. Review, people, or I shall come after you with an Enoby!
Chapter 9.
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! (yes, well, maybe you should try! Perhaps then you'll learn some exciting new words, like 'didn't' and 'books', which don't seem to be in your vocabulary at the moment.) dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! (… what movies have you been watching? Or more importantly, what are you on?) besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now (snap? As in snap the magic dragon?) is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! (… no, seriously, what are you on? I want some!) MCR ROX!
I was so mad and sad. (aww, she can rhyme!) I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. (whoa, good memory! If she fails at all else in life, she can just get a job as one of those people who are in the Guinness Book Of World Records every year. Wait, that isn't a job? Well, Enoby's stuffed then.) Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! (Santa Clause!) He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) (no shit) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. (say it isn't true! He's wearing black… but he's NOT gothic? I think we're getting somewhere!) It was… Voldemort! (I think you were the last person to get that it was Voldemort. Which is kind of worrying, seeing as you are the writer.)
"No!" I shouted in a scared voice (wouldn't you be a little more than scared if the most evil dark wizard of all time was zooming towards you on a broom?) but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. (what the hell is 'imperius'?)
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. (I'm sorry, what? Crookshanks is a spell now? You must cast it, and Crookshanks comes flying out the end of your wand and attacks the victim. I can imagine fifty Crookshankses flying round the room in a big battle.) Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. (felt bad for him? This is Voldemort!)
"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" (why the hell is he talking like that?) I thought about Vampire and his sexah (sexah…) eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. (STOP COMPARING EVERYONE TO THIS JOEL PERSON! OR THIS GERARD PERSON! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE!) I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? (NOW SHE GETS IT! –lots of applause and cheers- Well done Enoby!)
"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. (ooh, on first name terms are we? Bellatrix would be jealous.)
Voldemort gave me a gun. (WHAT. THE. FUCK.) "No! Please!" I begged.
"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" (Oh my god, he's straight out of Shakespeare's time. How funny would it be if Voldemort appeared in Romeo and Juliet at the end and Avada Kedavra-ed both of them before they killed themselves? Sorry, just ignore me.)
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. (If Voldemort doesn't have this expression on his face when Harry tells him Snape was Dumbledore's man through and through in Deathly Hallows Pt.2 in their 'final showdown', I will murder somebody. The script writers, perhaps.) "I hath telekinesis." (isn't telekinesis moving objects with your mind? How is that supposed to help him know Draco was her 'beloved'? Did he move a two-way mirror into their room and spy on them having sex?) he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. (I renamed my mum's friend's guinea pigs today! One was called Severus Snape, one was called Luna, and another was called Voldemort because he looks like a serial killer. I think Voldemort might be a girl, though. He loves me very much. Biting me is just his way of showing it.) Suddenly Draco came into the woods. (whoa, random!)
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" (… like NOTHING just happened?)
"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) (haha, no!) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. (where's my knife? I'm going to kill 'Joel' and 'Gerard', whoever they may be, so that Enoby can't compare them with people anymore!)
"Are you okay?" I asked. (what do you think, you idiot? You just made him run into a classroom naked after wrongly accusing him of cheating on you!)
"No." he answered. (No, he was going to say: 'Yeah, I'm just dandy! Let's have sex and make babies that are even more retarded than us!' Wow, I'm messed up.)
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. (expelled? yeah, I wish you'd expel yourself from Hogwarts.)
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. (er… okay?)
