This chapter: For 30+ years I remembered that I hated they way they ended Matt Houston. I didn't remember much other than they were going to have him marry some frizzy headed chic he knew for 5 minutes and not C.J.

When I received my DVDs and I re-watched that episode, which was as painful as it was the first time, the smaller details of why I hated that episode came back to me. Having read many of the stories here – I now know I wasn't even close to being alone in that dislike of what the writers did. And, thus, my fan fiction was born and the last scene in this chapter is what it all stemmed from.

"Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Twelfth Night, Act 3, Scene 1

On Monday morning, Houston was down in the gym working out. The party had gone well, the mess was cleaned up, and the house was none the worse for wear. He didn't see C.J. or Kai on Sunday, but knew that Kai was leaving that afternoon. He tried not to think of the sendoff that C.J. most likely gave him. He was trying to figure out how to get her to tell him about her night terrors. If he knew what they were about, then he would know how to help her. He was sure he could fix the problem, but she would have to tell him what the problem was first.

After he showered and dressed, he walked up stairs to see C.J. sitting at the bar, sipping coffee, and staring, unfocused at a paper in her hand. "Good morning, C.J. Did Kai make it home alright?" She didn't respond, but kept staring at the paper, so he gently touched her shoulder, "C.J.? You okay?"

She shook off her thoughts, and looked him in the eyes, "Butz has agreed to take a plea deal. I guess he saw that all the others were convicted, and decided not to go through with a trial."

He stroked her cheek with his thumb, "That's a good thing, isn't it?" He had seen that look in her eyes before. It was the same look she had the night of the party he threw for her after he had rescued her from the women's prison. The one that Butz ran and the one he and his cronies used as a prostitution ring. It was a worried looked that he had hoped to never see again.

She gave a non-committal shrug, and looked back at the paper, "The judge decided that any woman who wants to, can give a victim's impact statement before sentencing."

He was a little surprised. He thought she would jump at the chance to tell how that whole event influenced her life, "You don't want to do that?"

She let out a sigh, "I feel that I should. It's a lot of pressure, though." She bit her lower lip, then looked up at him.

He gave her a slightly puzzled look, and waited for her to explain.

She tilted her head, "Because I'm a lawyer… I'm supposed to be good with words, but that whole situation…" She shook her head, "Words fail to express what happened and what almost happened… And I'm afraid if I don't find the right words, that I will be letting all those women down… The ones who are no longer here to speak for themselves."

He nodded thoughtfully, then asked, "When do you have to be there?"

She looked back down to the paper, "It's a little over two weeks from now."

He brushed her hair back, then rested his hand on her shoulder, "Do you want me to go with you?"

She looked up quickly into his warm, brown eyes, "Would you? It would mean a lot." Even though she knew that she would probably see Rhonda and Fran there, his presence would give her the calm strength she would need to get through it.

He rubbed her cheek with his thumb again, and smiled, "Of course, I will. What are friends for?"

She smiled, "Thanks." She took his hand and squeezed it.

He suggested, "Tell you what, why don't you go ahead and take some time to start figuring out what you want to say."

She raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure? There's still some paperwork to finish up from…"

"Don't worry about it. I can do it." He said as he nodded.

She half smiled and squeezed his hand again, "You hate paperwork."

He shrugged, "True, but it doesn't mean I don't know how to do it. And it's important that you get to put this chapter behind you once and for all."

She smiled, "OK. Thanks." She stood up and gave him a quick hug, then turned and walked to her office.

He watched her go, and knew he would do whatever he could to make it easier for her. Even doing the paperwork.

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A couple of days later, Houston and C.J. were out on the patio, shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the wall on their forearms, swirling their drinks around in their glasses. Neither of them was speaking; both deep in thought. She was wording and rewording her victim's statement in her head. She had shown her rough draft to Houston, Roy and Will and they all agreed it sounded too "lawyerly". It was hard for her to move away from her training, and wanting to make a good impression on the judge. There was so much riding on it, but she didn't know how to voice it as someone who hadn't studied law.

Houston's thoughts were bouncing back and forth between finishing the barn for the cattle and horses arrivals on Saturday, how to get C.J. to tell him about her night terrors, when to tell her that he loves her, who to hire to put in the security cameras, and how best to support C.J. before, during, and after she gave her victim's impact statement. He already reserved a suite for them at the hotel in town for several nights, because C.J. wanted to be there for the other women who were giving their statements ahead of her. The judge decided to have C.J. go last, so that meant they would be there for three to four nights. It wouldn't be the time to tell her that he loved her, because of the nature of what almost happened to her at the jail and at that "party". That timing would feel "off".

They both turned when they heard Uncle Roy ask, "So, what are you two up to today?"

Houston smiled, "The usual." C.J. grinned.

"How would you like to speak to a gentleman who wants to hire us?" He gestured to the office.

He and C.J. looked at each other, and without a word or any other physical indicator, Houston looked back over at Roy and said, "Let's do it." He put his hand in the small of C.J.'s back and guided her into the lounge area, where a man sat on the couch. He appeared to be in his mid to late 40's, with light blonde hair, and piercing blue eyes, he stood up as they approached. Houston was sizing him up as he walked over to shake his hand.

Uncle Roy made the introductions, "Matlock, this is Philip Harmon."

Houston shook his hand, "Nice to meet you Mr. Harmon." He gestured to C.J., "And this is my associate, C.J. Parsons."

He gave a weak smile as he shook her hand, "Nice to meet you, as well."

Houston gestured to the couch, "Please, have a seat." Roy sat next to Mr. Harmon, C.J. sat on the shorter couch, and Houston sat on the closed BABY. "So, what can we do for you Mr. Harmon?"

"Please, call me Phil. I'm here because I can't find my daughter, Sarah. We live in Seattle, you see, and she disappeared over a year ago."

A young girl disappearing without a trace, struck a chord with C.J. She asked, "How old is she?"

He let out a slow breath to steady himself, "She's twenty-two. She was attending the local college and working at Pike Place Market to pay the bills. She was supposed to come home for Sunday dinner, but she never showed up. We called her, went over to her place, and we didn't find any signs of her. We got the police involved, and they investigated, but they just recently put her file in their cold case files. I heard through a friend that you were the best PI on the west coast, and that's what I need, the best PI to find my daughter."

Choosing his wording and verb tense very carefully, Houston asked, "At the time she disappeared, did she have a roommate or a boyfriend?"

"She had a roommate for a while, but Cindy graduated and moved out of state a month before Sarah disappeared. She didn't have a boyfriend that my wife or I were aware of…" His voice broke, "She was a good girl. Everyone loved her. Even the police couldn't find anyone who said a bad word against her. She was happy. She wouldn't have just gone off without telling us." He started sobbing, "We just want to find our little girl. It's been a year and even if the worst has happened, we just want to bring her home." He hung his head down and cried. Roy patted him on the back, and C.J. went to retrieve the box of tissues from her office.

Houston said, "Now if I take this case, I will be working in a state that I don't have a private investigator's license in..." He looked to C.J.

C.J. handed the tissues to Mr. Harmon, then added, "I will check, but I believe that you can work in that state for up to thirty days without having to apply for a license."

While Phil continued to collected himself, the three of them looked at each other and they all knew they had to take the case. After they assured him that they would start looking into Sarah's disappearance, they would meet him in Seattle to get a better feel for the situation. And after he left, they sat down at the poker table to talk.

Houston knew that this case hit close to home for C.J. and he wanted to save her from having to be too closely involved while she was preparing for her impact statement. "C.J." Houston started, "Since you are getting ready for your impact statement in two weeks, why don't you hang back here and put BABY through her paces? Uncle Roy and I will handle Seattle." He studied her carefully to gauge any subtle reaction that might show in her eyes.

"Are you sure you're not going to need a third person with you?" She wanted to go and do something to distract her from what she had to do in Santa Fe. Even though it might be hard at times, she was sure she could handle doing both.

Roy ventured, "Will can come along with us to be our third." He knew he was treading on rocky terrain after Houston didn't want her to go interview Makoa with him.

She shrugged and said in an unconvincing manner, "If that's what you want." Then without giving him much time to answer she said, "I'll go draw up the contracts for you to take over to Mr. Harmon before he flies back to Seattle in the morning." She stood up and went to her office and started pulling out the forms from the file cabinet.

Houston looked at Roy and Roy put his hands up a little to indicate that he wasn't the one who needed to go talk to C.J. As Houston walked over to her office door, he tried to find the right way to say what he had to say to her. Nothing he came up with while he stood there, leaning against the door frame, would make the situation better and a few would probably make it worse. He could tell she was deliberately not looking up at him while she busied herself filling out the forms.

He said the only thing he thought would make it better, "You can come to Seattle if you want to, C.J. I was just…"

She interrupted him, and her tone was clipped, "No, it's fine. I'll stay here and man BABY and prepare for Santa Fe. You boys can make a family vacation of sorts out of the trip." She tried to make a joke of it, "Male bonding and all, and you don't need a female to interfere with that."

He sighed. All he wanted to do was to protect her, and keep her from having to split her attention between what they needed to do in Seattle and what she was going to have to do in Santa Fe. "If you're mad C.J., just say it."

She looked him in the eyes and said, "I'm mad." Then she continued, "But it doesn't matter if I am or not, because you decided before you ever opened your mouth that I wasn't invited along, whether Will goes or not. And I know you well enough to know that once you've made up your mind, there is nothing I can say or do that will change it." Her hazel eyes dared him to disagree with her.

He thought for a moment and rubbed his forehead with his thumb, "Yeah, I guess I am kinda stubborn."

Her eyebrows arched high, "Kinda?" She rolled her eyes, then sighed, "Just let me get these forms done, Houston." She went back to the paperwork.

He stepped into the office and closed the door. He knew she had more to add, so he said matter-of- factly, "Just say it, C.J."

So, she did, "I'm not some delicate, porcelain doll that you have to put on a shelf to protect. I can handle it, Houston. You've seen me handle more than this. And do you really think that anything you find in Seattle will be more disturbing to me than anything I find on BABY, or anything I haven't seen in our other cases? Like Castanos?" The graphic pictures of how the serial killer left his victims had stuck with her after all this time. And almost being one of his victims had made him a fixture in her nightmares, but Houston didn't know that, and she was never going to tell him either.

He paused and looked at her, his voice was soft and suddenly filled with emotion, "Sometimes… Sometimes I remember that little girl I defended in the school yard. The one who was always so brave in front of everyone. The one who I found, more than once, hiding in the brush down by the river on my Daddy's ranch, crying and asking her mama why she had to leave her, too."

She was taken aback; she had no idea he had witnessed that, she had always thought that was a secret. He nodded, "I remember wanting to take her pain away. I even asked my Daddy how I could take her heartache away. You know what he told me?"

She was touched by his words and had to brushed a tear off her cheek, "No, what?"

"He said, 'You can't, son. All you can do is be a friend to her.'" He shook his head, walked over to her desk and said, "Well, I wasn't going to hear that. I was a cowboy, and in the movies, cowboys always righted the wrongs and the hurts by the end of the film. But Daddy was right, what was hurting that little girl was nothing I could fix."

He walked around her desk and leaned on the counter and she turned her chair to look at him. He gestured for her to come to him and she did. He stood her between his legs and put his arms around her waist and she rested her forearms on his chest and fussed with his tie and collar.

When she finally looked him in the eyes, he continued, "When you go through these things, I can still see that little girl in your eyes, and all I want to do is to make it better. I want to take your pain away, even though I know, realistically, there's no way for me to do that. I always want to try. So, I know that you're not fragile; that you are a strong, capable woman, but that part of me always wants to protect you, to not see you hurting. Forgive me?"

She wiped another tear away, then said, "Of course." She shrugged, "And maybe you're right, going to Seattle right before I have to go give my statement might be a bit much."

He raised his eyebrows, "Maybe I'm right? Huh."

She smirked, "It was bound to happen eventually."

He clicked his tongue, "I'll have to mark it in my calendar." They both chuckled, then he gave her a quick kiss and a hug that she held for longer than he expected, but he relished the feeling of her heart beating next to his. And, though he didn't realize it, she was savoring the feeling, too.

%%%%%%%%

After working on the new case for a few days; building a list of people the guys would want to talk to while they were in Seattle the following week, C.J. was at the ranch preparing her horse's stall. It was a beautiful Saturday morning, the cattle had already been delivered, and she wanted to be sure that Nutmeg had everything the way she liked it. It had been a long time since she had ridden her, or even seen her, for that matter. C.J. chastised herself for letting that happen. Nutmeg was a good mare; a sweet horse, who loved run flat out and jump fences. She had beaten Houston's horses in every race that they put them through. C.J. had been working on training her to do barrel runs when Houston had sold his ranch a few years ago. After that, it was harder and harder to get out to work with her.

That was all going to change now. Now C.J. would be able to spend her weekends at the ranch and go for rides with her. Houston said that he would welcome C.J.'s help with the cattle, too. And try as she might, she couldn't resist indulging in a fantasy or two of the two of them working hard all day, enjoying a meal at the end of the day, then maybe snuggling on the hammock, or on the couch watching a movie. Her thoughts wanted to go further, to kiss him like she did at the club, but she made herself stop there. It would only break her heart to, once again, see him dating some other woman if she let her thoughts go that far.

After she finished Nutmeg's stall, she went to the tack room to check on the saddle and bridle and the other items she would need to go riding. They were all looking a bit shabby from lack of use, so C.J. set about cleaning them. As she was working, she heard Houston call out for her. "In here!" she hollered out to him.

When he got to the doorway, he had a look on his face that she knew meant something was wrong. "C.J."

"What?" Her face and voice full of concern.

He let out a deep breath, he didn't want to tell her the news. "C.J., there's been an accident. Bo and Lamar…"

She inhaled in a panic, "Are they alright?"

He nodded, "Yeah, they're okay, but…" She waited for him to continue, and he had to swallow hard before he could, "A semi lost control and hit the trailer the horses were in…" He choked up, "A couple were killed instantly, and the others had to be put down at the scene."

She stood there blankly, trying to process what he was telling her. "Did… Did any of them make it?"

He crossed over to her and put his hands on her shoulders, "No, honey, none of them made it." He watched as she let his words process in her head and waited for them to get to her heart.

She stammered, "I… I wanna go… Yes, I wanna go to her." She needed to see her sweet Nutmeg and tell her she was a good horse. Tell her she was sorry for all the lost time. C.J. tried to move, but he held her firmly in place.

"No, C.J. you don't." He was going to try to be the voice of reason, but he knew she was a stubborn as he was.

"Yes… Yes, I need to go to her." She, once again, tried to move away from him, to go to the door.

He was shaking his head, "C.J. they described the scene to me, and I don't want you seeing her like that." Even after the conversation at the office; this was something he was going to protect her from, whether she liked it or not.

She was determined that he was not going to stop her from going to Nutmeg. So, she asked, "Are you going?"

He nodded, knowing where this conversation was headed, "Yes, I need to go…"

She didn't let him finish, "Then I'm going with you. Let's go." She finally managed to get away and past him to the door.

He was beginning to regret telling her, thinking that he should have waited until the scene was clear and then there wouldn't be anything for her to see. His voice raised in his frustration, "No, C.J.! You are not going and that's final!"

She spun around and glared at him, her hands went to her hips, "You don't get to tell me what to do. If you're going, then I'm going."

His voice softened, "C.J., please, please, listen to me on this one. You won't be able to un-see this. This will be the last image of Nutmeg that you will have, lying on the side of the road, dead. Is that what you really want?" Then he saw it hit her heart. Saw that little girl again in her eyes.

Her arms dropped to her side as her tears started to flow, "I just… I just need to…" She turned and walked away, out of the barn and to her car. She realized as she was walking, that she didn't even know where the accident was, but she would find it without him, somehow.

He caught up to her before she could open the door. He wasn't going to say any more to her, because he knew she wasn't going to listen. He leaned against the door and tried to catch her eye, but she stood there, staring down at the bridle in her hand. He reached over, put his hand around the bridle, and gently pulled it toward him. She took a step towards him and put her bent head in the middle of his chest, her body shaking as she broke into a sob. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

After a few minutes, she looked up horror struck, and gasped, "Oh, god! I'm sorry! Your horses are gone, too. I'm SO sorry!" His tears were falling and she quickly hugged him tightly.

He hugged her back, then moved her so he could see her face, and then said, "I have to go. Please, wait here. Will you be here when I get back?"

She nodded as she wiped his tears away, "Yes, of course, I will. Is there anything I can do? Phone calls?"

He shook his head, "No, I just need you to be here when I get back."

She nodded, "I will. I promise."

He gave her a quick kiss and another hug, then dashed to his truck and drove off. C.J. watched him go, then stood there frozen for a long time.

%%%%%%

After loosing all of the horses on Saturday, C.J. and Houston spent the rest of the day making sure Bo and Lamar were okay and settled into their quarters. They were unhurt physically, but for old cowboys like them, they took the deaths of the horses hard. No one was hungry, so Houston decided to forgo firing up the BBQ. He and C.J. snuggled on the couch watching a couple of B-movies. She left in the evening, and they both decided to go into the office on Sunday to try and keep their minds off of the tragedy. The next couple of days flew by and before they knew it, it was Tuesday and Houston was going to fly Roy and Will up to Seattle to do the legwork to find out what had happened to Sarah Harmon.

Before going to the airport to meet Uncle Roy and Will, Houston stopped at Chris' desk to check his messages. As he leafed through them, he saw that a message, meant for C.J., was mixed in with his. He was stunned when he read it. "Pirelli Tire Company in Milan. Wants to set up an interview." Then the phone number for her to call was on it.

Houston went from stunned to mad as he thought about what the message meant. The questions flooded his head, "She's planning on leaving? How could she? Why wouldn't she have said something to me? Why would she go so far away?" As the questions without answers bombarded him, C.J. walked out of her office, and smiled when she saw him. He decided to hand the message to her and watch her reaction.

She looked at it and said, "Oh. Huh." She shrugged and then looked back to Houston, "Thanks. Have a safe trip and I will see you in Santa Fe." She waited for him to say his good-bye.

He wasn't going to let her get away with that response, "You applied for a job in Italy?"

She nodded and responded casually, "Yeah, I had just put some feelers out, you know."

He was getting angrier, "No, I don't know. Feelers? How many other places did you send your resume to?"

She ticked them off on her fingers, "Sydney, Singapore and Buenos Aires." He stared at her silently, "I know my Spanish and Italian aren't good, but it would have been a great way to learn."

How could she be so blasé about leaving him, leaving their business, and moving to another country? His tone was accusing, when he asked, "How can you even think about leaving?"

Chris could see a very big argument coming on and decided to go to the lady's room until it was all over. She could tell she wasn't going to be able to squash this one with an offer of pizza topping choices like she had once before.

She shook her head, not completely sure why he was using that tone. "I sent them out before… before the wedding..." Then she said reassuringly, "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. It's no big deal, Houston."

The phrase, "before the wedding" didn't fully click in his head. He raised his voice, "I think it is a big deal. You were going to abandon the business to go traipsing off to a foreign country? Why?"

She put her hands on her hips, and asked incredulously, "Are you actually mad about this?"

He was almost shouting, "Yeah, I'm mad! We're supposed to be best friends, but you were going to leave without discussing it with me first?"

She was truly puzzled by him and her voice and her ire raised, "What would there have been to discuss?" He clearly wasn't remembering how he wasn't going to be a part of the business if he had married Elizabeth.

He threw up his hands, "Oh, I don't know, about how this business we built together, would have been left for Uncle Roy to fly solo with."

She raised her voice a little more, "He wasn't going to stay eith - Do I really have to spell it out for you?" Now she was getting mad.

He snipped at her angrily, "Since I'm not a Harvard trained lawyer, I guess you'd better."

Her anger built quickly, coming from a place she had been holding back since he had announced he was going to give up being a PI to appease Elizabeth. She started pacing halfway across the lobby and back as she spoke. She could not believe his gall, "How dare you be mad at me!" She was trying to keep her angry tears at bay. But after her horse had died less than four days ago, her emotions were right at the surface.

She pointed down to the gym, "You sat down there…" She pointed to herself, "After I came to you and told you my concerns about everything changing because you were getting married. And you said, 'Don't worry C.J., nothing's gonna change'. But then how many days…" She shook her head and tossed her hand up, "…hours later did you stand over there," She was choking on her emotions as she pointed to the bar area, "And tell Roy and me that you were quitting the business, 'because Elizabeth can't handle the danger that goes with the job'?"

He was mad and not going to be swayed by her emotions, "But you guys were going to keep it going!" That was what he had pictured when he had told them. Houston Investigations still there helping those who needed help.

She hated that she was losing the battle with the tears that were stinging her eyes, "Houston, Roy was already retired once. He came here to work with you, his family, not with me." She wiped a tear away before continuing, "Not only that, not once did anyone come through those doors looking for my help. Your name is on the building, and on the agency. They came here looking for your help, not mine."

Her next words tumbled out before she had a chance to really analyze them, "At best, at best, they all thought I was the arm candy that played on the computer and did the paperwork." Remembering Goodfellow's words, she threw them at Houston, "Like a glorified secretary."

He was still riled up and determined not to be influenced by her tears, so he said snidely, "And at worst?"

She narrowed her eyes, and hissed, "I was the piece of ass you had back at the office until something better, prettier, and more worthy of your attentions came along."

He was taken aback at her bluntness and her choice of words. She was never one for using such crass terms, even though she had grown up hearing them from the ranch hands on his Daddy's spread.

"So, did I contemplate working in another country?" She took an angry pause, "Yes. Yes, I did, because you were going to ride off into the sunset with her and have a perfect life, and never look back because she would never have let you." She choked back a heartbroken sob, her voice was soft and raspy, "She was never going to let you continue to be my friend, Houston. Never."

It hit Houston that, that was the fear C.J. was actually trying to confess to him in the gym that day. That he would have abandoned their friendship because Elizabeth would have dropped her pretense of being fine with his relationship with C.J. And she would lose not just a friend, but her family… again.

But as the tears streamed down her face, she continued, "And you would have gone along with whatever she said, because if she could make you give up the work that you love…" She shook her head, "I knew I was nothing to you in comparison." She let that sink in for a second before resuming, "And I deserved to find my happiness, too. And I knew it wouldn't be here, so I was going to get as far away from all of this as possible."

His entire demeanor softened, his anger gone, and he stepped toward her reaching out to touch her arm, "C.J." He wanted to tell her that would never have happened had he married Elizabeth, and that her friendship meant more to him than his business ever did.

She took a step back and raised her hands away from him, "Don't. You have a plane to catch and I have work to do." With that she turned on her heel, walked into her office and closed the door.