American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 09, the Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love Theorem

New Year's Eve, the Hofstadter Ranch, Pasadena:

Emily squealed and kicked as Sheldon's MeMaw held her. MeMaw said, "Aren't you the sweetest little Sugar Booger."

Emily giggled and sprayed MeMaw with a raspberry. She reached up, grabbed MeMaw's necklace, and shook it.

Penny said, "Mrs. Cooper, Emily obviously likes you. She just doesn't take to strangers like this. I thought she would be tired out from flying from Boston last night, but she perked up when she met you."

MeMaw said, "I don't think I'm going to be a stranger, am I, sweetness? Yes, you are. [Tickling Emily] Yes, you are. And all of you please call me MeMaw. That's what everyone calls me."

Sheldon squeezed in between MeMaw and the arm of the sofa. He said, "MeMaw, I thought I was your Sugar Booger."

"Oh, Moon Pie," MeMaw said, "You're a grown man. You'll always be my Moon Pie and my Sugar Booger. Isn't this the cutest little sweetums you've ever seen? I'll bet you and Emily are crazy about each other, especially since you helped bring her into the world."

"Humph," Sheldon grunted. "I think she gets plenty of attention without interloping on my territory."

Howard said, "I'm glad Bernie and I took the commuter flight with you guys to the Boston area after New York instead of coming directly back here. It was nice to visit Cambridge again. I had two of the happiest years of my life there at MIT completing my master's degree."

"It took you two years to complete your master's degree?" Sheldon said. "What were you in, some kind of remedial engineering program?"

"The aerospace engineering program at MIT is at least a two-year program," Howard said. "You can't finish it faster than that because of the practicum schedule. You have to take the practicums in order. Sheldon, it's one of the world's top engineering programs. In the field, people say that a master's degree from MIT is like a Ph.D. from anywhere else. The year they admitted me, they only admitted eight candidates out of over 2,000 applications."

"Just keep telling yourself that," Sheldon said.

"How did you tear yourself away from your mother for two years?" Raj asked.

"I didn't have to," Howard said. "She moved there with me. We shared an apartment just off-campus."

"I thought the children were sweet," Bernadette said. "Leonard and Penny obviously love all of them, and the feeling is mutual. Randi looks just like pictures I've seen of Leonard at that age. Mitchell is growing. He's going to be taller than his Uncle Michael. And Linda is becoming a real beauty. And that Molly is a pistol. Emily seemed so comfortable with all of them."

"Moon Pie," MeMaw said, "Could you reach into my pocketbook and hand me another flask? I may need to send you out to the car for refills before the night's over. It's a good thing Amy's driving."

Emily snuggled up to MeMaw and began to coo.

The doorbell rang. Penny opened the door to find Haroon and Tanvir with their adopted son Uday.

"Hi, guys," she said. "Come on in. We're so glad you could make it."

Haroon handed Penny a covered pan. He said, "Tanvir made his famous Apples New Delhi for an after-dinner treat."

"They smell wonderful," Penny said. "Let me put these on the sideboard in the dining room. I can't wait."

Haroon bent down, kissed Emily on the forehead, and said, "Hello, Miss Emily."

Emily stuck her tongue out at him, smiled, and kicked.

Uday said, "Aunt Penny, can I see your horses?"

Wyatt said, "If you don't mind going with me, I'll take you. One of Penny's horses can be a bit cantankerous."

In the kitchen, Leonard looked over Amy's shoulder. Amy had maintained the same look Haroon and Tanvir had given her two days before, except she was wearing her glasses so she could see to cook. She fussed with her glasses and said, "You know, it's hard wearing glasses with these lashes. I don't know whether to get contacts or laser surgery." She looked at her reflection in the oven door. She came back over to the slow cooker.

"Just put in a little of the cayenne," Leonard said. "By the way, how does Sheldon feel about the new look?"

Amy said, "He hasn't said anything. MeMaw tore into him about how he's been treating me, so I suspect he's going to wait until she leaves to say anything. I like it, though, so, as MeMaw says, Sheldon can go kiss a pig."

Amy stirred the slow cooker, lowered her head, and sniffed. "Leonard," she said, "That smells delicious. I would never believe it was meatless chili if you hadn't had me put in the meatless crumbles."

"Don't tell Sheldon," Leonard said. "He finds any reason to skip my chili as it is. If he found out it was meatless, he would never let me hear the end of it. I just sent you the recipe to your email. Do you think you can make this yourself now that I talked you through it?"

Amy said, "I think so. I appreciate your teaching me how to cook it. My mother gave me a slow cooker just like this one, but I've never used it." She closed the slow cooker lid. She said, "I hope I can remember everything you and MeMaw have taught me in the last few days."

Leonard said, "The dough should be ready to punch down and put into the tubes."

Leonard guided Amy as she uncovered the dough balls in both bowls, punched them down, and inserted them into the greased glass tubes. Amy put the tubes into the convection oven and set the timer on her cell phone.

"The dough smells great," Amy said. "So this is called challah?"

"Right," Leonard said, "Jewish festival bread. You're supposed to braid it into loaves traditionally, but it works great in the glass tubes. Amy, you really seem to be doing well with your cooking. Have you thought about taking the classes Penny and I took?"

"The heart-healthy cooking class you took at the hospital is starting a new term in two weeks," Amy said. "I tried to get Sheldon to take it with me, but he said I was having an estrogen-fueled nesting drive. I'll be doing it by myself. Hmmm. Maybe Bernadette and Howard might like to take it with me, and maybe Alex and Raj. I can ask."

"I do recommend that and the whole foods cooking class over at the co-op," Leonard said. "That's where I learned all about oils and bread making. Alex is the one who told us about that one. She's the one who gave Penny this chili recipe."

Leonard and Amy joined everyone in the den. Leonard saw Emily enjoying MeMaw and said, "Emily, it looks as if you have a new friend."

"Oh, she is so cute," MeMaw said. "Just like her ma. Look at this beautiful dress."

Leonard said, "Aunt Bernadette and Uncle Howard gave her the dress for Christmas."

Bernadette said, "We had a weekend in Mexico last spring and found it there. We knew by then that Emily was going to be a girl. We thought she would have Leonard's coloring, but it works."

Sheldon said, "Now that Leonard has deigned to join us, perhaps Emily would like to go to him." He glared at Emily, who looked at him and said, "Buh dip, buh dip" and sprayed a raspberry.

Leonard said, "Dinner will be another hour. Penny and I are so happy everyone came early so we could catch up with each other."

"So let me get this straight," MeMaw said. "Leonard, you paid off Penny's family's farm and dairy, and you don't know anything about running either?"

"Actually, it was a loan," Leonard said. "As far as I am concerned, it could be a gift, but Penny wants to pay me back so there won't be any questions about it remaining with her side of the family. I caught up the mortgage payments to keep the bank from foreclosing. We're setting up a corporation, and we'll evaluate whether to pay cash for the farm or assume the mortgage. We have an excellent interest rate. It may be more financially advantageous to keep the mortgage and use our cash for other investments, like equipment, seed, and so on. Wyatt here is the expert on running the farm. We're certainly going to take advantage of his expertise. Penny is going to be 51 percent owner and Chief Operating Officer, and Wyatt is going to be our Director of Operations. We have a super young man, Tyrell, who just graduated the University of Nebraska in horticulture and farm management. He'll be the one on the ground there running the day-to-day operations. He told me about some other farms in the area that are about to go into foreclosure, and we're looking into whether to buy them as well-especially if the grants from NASA, the Department of Energy, and the federal Department of Agriculture come through. Maybe we can help keep some of the families from being displaced. If we can set it up so the current owners come into the corporation, maybe we can set it up so they keep control and do something more profitable."

"You know I'm the secretary for the Houston Cattleman's Association," MeMaw said. "I'll be glad to help you out with anything pertaining to cattle. If you're looking for investors, I would like to talk with you about coming in with you."

"That would be great," Leonard said. "We have the money people looking at how to structure the shares."

Leonard's cell phone rang. "Oh, hello, Daniel," he said. "Happy New Year's Eve. It's great to hear from you. What can I do for you?"

He got up and walked into the dining room to take the call. He came back into the den a few minutes later. He said, "That was a really neat young man. I got to interview him when we had him come to the university. He just graduated the program at Princeton I graduated. He has agreed to our offer to start graduate school at Caltech mid-year. He is really special. We offered him Alex' old National Science Foundation Fellowship in Experimental Physics, and I'll be his program director, just as I was toward the end of Alex' studies."

Penny said, "So he's like another Alex?"

Leonard looked at Alex and said, "Of course, Alex was my best student of all time, but I always looked at Alex more as a colleague than a student. By the time I met her, she was giving me a run for my money. I didn't teach her so much as help her clear away administrative red tape toward finishing her dissertation. I have a sort of father-son relationship with Daniel. He's only 13. We bonded right away. He was interested in me and asked a lot of questions about my research with the Hawking team. He also wanted to know about the other faculty, especially Sheldon: He asked me a lot of questions about Sheldon."

Sheldon snapped his head around. "He's starting graduate school at 13? I didn't start until I was 14."

"What can I say?" Leonard said. "He's brilliant. He won the McIntyre Award and has published his senior thesis. I called you to see if you wanted to go with us to the Italian Garden for lunch, Sheldon, but that was the day they had cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches at the cafeteria, and you said priorities are priorities."

"So he's here with no one to be with on New Year's Eve?" Penny said. "Leonard, we have to go get him and bring him here."

"No," Leonard said. "He's with his family back east for the holidays. He was just calling to tell me he had decided to accept Caltech's offer. Since he's only 13 and doesn't have family in the area, he'll move into the Excelsior dorm with the other under-age students."

Several hours later, the friends watched the ball drop from New York at 9:00 p.m. their time.

Leonard took a sleeping Emily from MeMaw. He put her down in her crib and took the portable monitor with him. As he returned to the living room, he heard Sheldon say, "I thought she would never leave." He looked at Penny, who was staring daggers at Sheldon.

"Sheldon," Penny said. "That's my daughter you're talking about. Do I need to go junior rodeo on you again?"

"Oh, I have to see this," MeMaw said.

#

MeMaw, followed by Leonard, Penny, Emily, Raj, Alex, Bernadette, and Howard, came to the hotel registration desk in Las Vegas.

"You know," MeMaw said, "I had my doubts about traveling by train, but, since Sheldon refused to fly and Amy is still on the no-fly list, I'm glad we all took the train and had the extra time to get to know each other better. Amy, you really need to hire an attorney and get off that list."

"I did hire an attorney," Amy said. "She managed to get charges dropped for breaking the TSA agent's nose provided I would submit to being on the list and take a class in anger management. I can apply for reconsideration in three years."

As Leonard was registering him, Penny, and Emily, MeMaw turned and said, "Sugar tushy!" and embraced a younger Korean man who had just walked up to them. "Everyone, this is Sung Duk," she said, "my little Korean tripod."

Sheldon staggered to Sung Duk, hugged him, and said, "I love you, Grandpa." He kissed Sung Duk on the cheek.

Sung Duk looked helplessly at MeMaw.

Sheldon stepped back. "Aneso pakuro maki," he said as he bowed to Sung Duk.

"Inside to outside block?" Sung Duk said to MeMaw.

Amy leaned over and whispered to Sung Duk, "Sheldon thinks he can speak Korean."

Penny whispered to Amy, "Good for you, getting Sheldon to drink the four mojitos on the train. One of these days, we're going to run out of things to fool him into drinking. He's so much more pleasant when he has a snoot-full."

"I told him the truth," Amy said. "I said the word mojito means 'a little wet.' He said he liked the lime."

"How long have you been here?" MeMaw asked Sung Duk.

"I got here an hour ago, my delicate flower," Sung Duk said. "I have reserved a room at Del Monico's for our rehearsal dinner. Guys, we are going to be hot cats."

"My little Snookie Wookums knows how to party," MeMaw said.

"Sir," the woman behind the counter said to Sheldon, "You did not wire a certified check to reserve your room, so we had to give it away. We don't have anything else available."

"But you wanted a charge card, and I don't believe in charge cards," Sheldon said.

"That's why we said a certified check would do," the young woman said.

"Oh, dear," Sheldon said. "It looks as if I will have to crash with you, MeMaw."

"Ah, Moon Pie, dear," MeMaw said, "Sung Duk and I are sharing a room. You'll have to find somewhere else."

"But, MeMaw, isn't it traditional for the bride and groom not to see each other before the wedding?" Sheldon said.

MeMaw said, "Now, Moon Pie, I've been around the block a few times. Sung Duk and I are sharing a room. It's not up for discussion."

Amy stood by watching the conversation with her arms folded. Finally, she said, "Sheldon, I hate to bring this up, given what happened last year, but you could stay with me."

Sheldon staggered over to Amy and said, "May I have some more of those lime drinks? They were phenobarbital, phenomital, phomenemenatial. They were good."

"Sure," Amy said. She went over to the desk and arranged to have the hotel bring in a rollaway bed to her room.

#

10:12 p.m.

Penny sat in the rocking chair the hotel had provided her, finishing breastfeeding Emily. She sang "The Poky Little Puppy" to Emily as she nursed. Emily looked dreamily up at her and cooed.

"You are taking longer than usual to go out for the night," Penny said. "You know something, Emily, I worried about what kind of mommy I would be, but there's nothing I would rather be in the whole world. Being your mommy and your daddy's wife are the best things that have ever happened to me. For years, I thought being an actress was what I wanted more than anything else, but having you and your daddy mean so much more to me. I know there were babysitters available so your daddy and I could go see some shows after the two parties, but I agree with your daddy that spending time with you was better. I'm glad you and I left MeMaw's bachelorette party early and got your daddy so we could walk around with you and him looking at all the lights."

"I'm surprised I was able to walk around, given all the alcohol Sung Duk had at the bachelor party," Leonard said. "Last time I had that much liquor, I was blind for three days. I was trying to abstain to keep a clear head, but he kept insisting we toast MeMaw and Oklahoma State. I didn't want to be rude, but mercy. I'm going to be hung-over tomorrow."

Emily yawned and smiled as she smacked her lips. She said, "Nyum, nyam, nyam."

Penny kissed Emily on the forehead. She looked over to see Leonard staring at her from the bed.

"What?" she said.

"You are the best mommy," Leonard said. "I never doubted for a moment what kind of mommy you would be. She is so lucky to have you."

"Oh, you're exaggerating," Penny said.

"Not at all," Leonard said. "You obviously love Emily with all your heart and soul. No one could be a better mommy. You're so natural, as if you have been a mommy a thousand times."

"I just hope I'm smart enough to be the kind of mom she needs," Penny said.

"Penny," Leonard said, "I know you don't believe this, but you're the smartest person I've ever known. Emily needs a mommy who is kind, gentle, and loving, who can teach her how to get along with people and handle problems that come up in life. Even if Emily has book smarts, she needs a mommy who can love her and guide her in being a good person, who can be there to show her how special she is. That's you. I would have given anything to have a mom like you. My mom never sang to me. Anyone who can conceive can be a mother, as you've seen from mine, but not everyone can be a mommy. I'm glad I videoed the train ride, where you held Emily up to the window so she could watch the passing scenery."

Penny said, "It amazes me how, no matter what new thing we do, she watches. It's as if she's studying us."

"She did seem fascinated by the passing scenery," Leonard said. "I know that her vision at this stage is probably about 20/40, but she seemed to see well enough to take an interest in what was passing by. You kept talking to her about everything that went past us. I wonder if she thought she was watching a giant-screen TV. You make her feel so secure that she's open to learning new things. Even the desert seemed to fascinate her."

Penny started to put Emily in the crib the hotel had provided, but she thought for a moment and put Emily between her and Leonard. Emily snuggled close to Leonard but reached up and grabbed a handful of Penny's hair. Penny kissed Emily's fist. She said, "I think Emily picked up holding onto my hair from Molly. I love it."

#

Next door, Amy turned off the TV as the program she was watching ended. She looked over to the rollaway bed where Sheldon was softly snoring. She said, "Sheldon, I wish you weren't afraid of the Blue Man Group. I would really have enjoyed going to their show. I should have pressed harder to go with the others when you wouldn't go with them to see Celine Dion."

About a half hour later, Sheldon got up and went into the bathroom. He staggered back into the room, stood looking confused for a moment, and crawled into bed next to Amy.

"Uh, Sheldon," Amy said. "I think you're confused. You crawled into bed with me."

"Mommy, don't let the booger man get me," Sheldon said as he snuggled close to Amy.

Amy held Sheldon. She kissed him on top of the head and said, "I won't let the booger man get you. I just hope you're not angry when you wake up and find me holding you."

#

Sung Duk Yun, dressed as the Oklahoma State University mascot Pistol Pete, stood at the altar at the Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love Wedding Chapel. Leonard stood next to him as his best man. The minister, dressed as Indian Elvis, in his white sequined jumpsuit, stood patiently as the sound system blasted "Love Me Tender."

Amy, wearing her tiara and her Maid of Honor dress from Bernadette's and Penny's weddings, walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet, followed by Sheldon and MeMaw. MeMaw wore her old Oklahoma State cheerleader uniform. Amy adjusted the collar around her neck so that the ring was in the back.

"This is even sillier than Leonard and Penny's wedding," Sheldon mumbled.

MeMaw leaned over and told Sheldon, "Shhhh. Just look at me, Moon Pie. I was worried I wouldn't still fit in my old cheerleader uniform."

MeMaw and Sheldon passed by Penny, who was holding Emily in her lap. Emily, dressed in one of her dresses Alex and Raj had brought her from India, smiled at Sheldon and MeMaw, stuck out her tongue, blew a raspberry, and kicked.

MeMaw winked at Emily.

Amy reached the front, turned, and stood to the left of the bride's place.

MeMaw and Sheldon reached the front of the chapel just as the song ended.

"Dearly beloved," Indian Elvis said, "We are gathered here in the sight of the picture of the King [pointing to a life-size painting of Elvis] to join this man and this woman. Does anyone have any reason why this couple should not be wed in a hunka hunka burnin' love?"

Everyone looked at Sheldon. MeMaw raised an eyebrow. Emily looked at Sheldon and made a low growling sound. Sheldon started to say something but looked at Penny, then Emily, then MeMaw, and remained quiet.

"Who gives this woman in rockin' matrimony?"

Sheldon just stood until MeMaw chunked him in the ribs.

"Oh, I do. MeMaw, that hurt," Sheldon said. As rehearsed, Sheldon walked over and sat in the pew in front of Emily and Penny. Howard and Bernadette sat in the row behind them, and Raj and Alex sat in the next row. Sung Duk had managed to bring several people he had met the evening before to sit on his side of the chapel.

At the end of the ceremony, Indian Elvis had MeMaw and Sung Duk turn and face their friends. "Rockers and Rockerettes," he said, "May I introduce Sung Duk and Marjorie Yun."

As MeMaw and Sung Duk walked down the aisle, the sound system played the Oklahoma State fight song.

"That's 'Rock and Roll Number 2,'" Sheldon said to Amy. "Gary Glitter, who performed the song, does naughty things to children. I'm not comfortable playing that at my MeMaw's wedding."