Chapter 9
Day 3: Old Attics and Bad Haiku
To say the ride home was awkward would be an understatement. Kaoru and I didn't talk; we didn't look at each other. All we did the whole way home was hold onto each other. It might have been just me clinging to my brother's hand so tightly, but I didn't feel once any sign of him wanting me to let him go. To me, it felt like the opposite. I did glance up at him for a short moment, and he was just staring out the window with a content smile on his face. The setting sun of the afternoon just bringing out the soft paleness of his skin and the red of his hair. I still wonder sometimes if I ever look that peaceful.
Once we got home and threw everything into my – our – room, Kaoru silently drags me down the long hallway, ignoring any and all questions running from my mouth. All he does when we turn an all-too-familiar corner is smile slyly at me and remain silent. It doesn't really seem like him. All I can do is just follow mindlessly as he drags me up a flight of stairs and up toward a small latched door. He looks at me and smiles sweetly again as he opens it and crawls inside. I go after him into the attic and the first thing I notice is that it's been cleaned. The boxes of who-knows-what are finally neatly stacked against the inclined walls. The dust that normally pollutes the air is mostly gone. It still is an attic so I doubt someone could fully get rid of all if it.
"It took forever to clean up, you know," my brother says softly, snapping my attention away from the cleaned room and toward him. He's looking out the window, almost seeming shy with his arms crossed. Through that peaceful face, I can sense a slight feeling of worry through his eyes. It won't go away. Then it hit me.
"Wait, you cleaned this?" We hardly ever make our bed, let alone clean an entire room. Why would he go to all the trouble of cleaning up a musty old attic? His gaze is still out the window and I can feel a bit of jealousy build up in the pit of my stomach. Kaoru nods slightly.
"Those two days we weren't sleeping together I… I couldn't stop thinking about you long enough to actually fall asleep." He glances down at the newly dusted wood flooring, seeming a tad… ashamed. I'm the one who should be feeling bad. I got at least some sleep one night while he hasn't. I lower my head; though still refuse to look away from him. He continues softly, "I came up here on the first night and remembered all the fun times we had up here." A warm smile quickly grows on his lips, "Then I thought, 'Why don't we ever come up here anymore?' so I decided to clean it up a bit. Make some more room for us. Besides," Kaoru grabs my head and pulls me toward the small window and sits me down, "I want to show you something." My eyes widen a bit as he speaks slowly. He remembers? "I think you'll like it." Kaoru gently puts his palm on the window ready to open it. I can't help but smile warmly at him.
"I'm sure I will." I laugh, just slightly at this.
"Close your eyes. I want it to be a surprise." He smiles, and I notice it's purely genuine. I do as he wants, and I hear the window squeak open. When I try to open my eyes again, Kaoru presses his hand over them. "Don't look just yet." His voice is a whisper, but feels close. I nod a bit after a short moment, and the warmth from his hand leaves. I almost miss it. I'm glad I don't have to worry about not being able to feel it again, though.
"I don't remember this." I say jokingly, laughing a little, though still keeping my eyes closed. I hear Kaoru laugh, too at that. I didn't realize how much I've missed that laugh. It's almost… refreshing.
"Then I'm sure you won't remember this." I'm about to ask what he means, but before I can get anything out, I feel my brother's hand gently graze against my cheek, and run down to my jaw line. He carefully pulls me forward slightly, and I'm trying my damned hardest not to open my eyes. I can feel his hot breath on my lips, and by the way he's breathing, Kaoru seems a tad nervous. It's barely noticeable, really. He turns my head slightly, and softly kisses my other cheek, just missing the corner of my mouth. I snap my eyes open when he leans away and I notice he's staring out the small window. There's a very faint blush on his face. "I guess you want to know what's been going on, huh?" He looks over at me and smiles, just a little.
I sigh, though there's a soft smile tugging at my lips, too, "That would nice." I bring my arm and rub the back of my neck, quickly running my fingers over where Kaoru had been just a moment ago. I think he noticed.
Kaoru looks down at the ground for a moment, then back out the window. He begins softly, "Hikaru, you know I love you." When he looks over at me, I nod in agreement. He knows I also mean to say, "I love you, too". His smile grows just a tad bigger for a moment. It soon fades, though. "We're not going to be together as long as we think. Sooner or later, things will fall apart and we wont be able to spend time like we do with all the friends we made… and with each other." His sentence almost dragged off, as his eyes lowered to his fidgeting hands in his lap. I mutter his name, but he continues on, "I wanted you to figure this out on your own, but it's getting late. I wanted you to realize… I'm not always going to be there for you, Hikaru. As much as I want, it's just not going to be possible."
"But," I look away from him at noting in particular, and continue with my hands constantly tightening in my own lap. "I know that already. That's why I spend so much time with you and Haruhi. I don't want—"
"But you don't even know what you're doing, yourself!" Kaoru yells, forcing my eyes up at him, shocked. His head is hung low, and I can tell he's biting his lip. He looks up, and there's a pained look in his eyes. A real one. Not some fake mask he's been using on me lately. Even though this looks so similar to the other looks I've seen on him, this one really gets to me. "Hikaru, haven't you ever thought about why exactly you want to spend so much time with Haruhi?" His tone turned suddenly too serious, and I'm at a total loss at what to say to him. What is Haruhi to us? To me? "She's special. She may not understand us on the level that we do, but she does more than anyone else we've ever met." Kaoru pauses for a moment, looking away from me, "You've taken a liking to that, Hikaru. More than you realize." He sighs heavily, and stares out the window again, longingly. "I wanted you to realize this. If not that, then that you always have someone to fall back on when I'm not going to be there." His golden eyes come back to mine, and they seem to glow in the lighting. "I was just worried. I'm sorry."
I'm silent. I just don't know what to say to any of that. For him to go to all of that trouble just for me to realize a few things seems… stupid. I already know that we won't be able to spend time together like we do now. That doesn't mean we won't be able to spend time together doing other things. Had he over looked that small detail or something? Sighing heavily, I grab my brother's blazer at the shoulder and pull him closer. I move my hands to his face and kiss his forehead, letting my lips linger. I will admit, I'm not as gentle as him, but I mean just as much as he had.
"Kaoru," I speak softly against his warm skin as his hands tightly grab the back of my uniform, his arms going under mine. The scent of apples, spices, and Kaoru fill my lungs. I've missed the real think too much. More than I thought. I laugh nervously against him, "You think way too much." I feel him tense up a little bit more.
"You don't think enough." He moves his head to the crook of my neck, and sighs in approval, lightly laughing all the while.
My hand runs though his hair, and I feel almost awkward. I'm not use to doing something like this outside the Host Club. I laugh just a little, "Maybe. Just… Tell me you're sorry and promise you won't do it again."
Kaoru giggles – yeah, giggles – softly and nods his head. He pushes away and sits up, smiling warmly at me. The sun outside is just starting to set, and looking at him, I'm reminded again how nice he looks in orange. His words break me from my staring, "I'm sorry, Hikaru." His hand finds mine, and our fingers intertwine. He gently squeezes, still smiling. "I promise I won't hurt you like that again."
"Never?" Kaoru should know my now that I'm not going to be mad at him for much longer. I squeeze back.
"Never ever." He looks so relived that everything's going to be all right. Standing up, Kaoru leans his head against mine, seeming excited for something. "Hey, Hikaru. I got something for you. It came in a few days ago, but I was waiting for the right time to give it to you. Just a sec." He pecks my forehead with a kiss quickly and turns toward a chest that's been stored up here for years, not even three yards away. It feels really weird waiting for him. Why would he get something and not tell me? With the fact that it apparently got here "a few days ago", I can only assume he ordered it or whatever before this whole thing started. That's not really like him.
"Why did you—" Kaoru shoves a simple black box in my face before I can finish.
"Here! I had them special ordered. Just for you." I glance down at the thing he shoved at me. It's a small box, that doesn't seem like it could be much. I pick at the tape a bit before I look back up at him.
"Why'd you get me something?" I ask simply, still lightly picking at the tape on one of the sides of the box.
"Just open it!" He's so eager. I sigh with a smile, and finally tear off the tape holding down a flap. The top flaps of the cardboard lift up, and inside the small box, cushioned with white tissue paper, are two charms. A brown monkey and a brown bird. In between them, they're holding onto a small, red heart. I must say, it's definitely one of the girliest things I've ever gotten.
"I noticed a while ago that the old phone charm I got you was starting to get in bad shape. I wanted to get you a new one, but not the exact same thing." Kaoru reaches for the charms and takes the monkey and half the heart with it. As he looks over it, his fingers run over the light blue scarf around its neck. "It turns out, Tamaki-sempai's family is on great terms with the family that owns the business that produces this brand of accessories. I 'asked' if he could pull a few strings and had these specially made. They're one-of-a-kind, and the heart pieces won't fit together with any of the other previously made ones." He gives the monkey back to me, and I can't help but smile at him. What he just said reminded me so much of how we are. No one could replace the relationship we have, and I only wish I could've noticed sooner.
I take the small bird with the orange scarf – mentally laughing that he chose those colors – and hand it to him. When his hand grabs it, I take his hand and pull him close to me, pressing my lips to his, a tad rougher than I planned. I'm only there for a brief second before I sit back on my spot, smiling that famous Hitachiin smile we pull off so much, and say, "Thanks, Kaoru."
He's at a loss for a moment, but soon mirrors me perfectly. I sometimes wonder who copies whom, or if we just do the same things subconsciously. Whatever it is, I don't think I would want it any other way.
"You're welcome, Hikaru." We stare at each other for a short moment, and then he moves to sit next to me, leaning his head against my shoulder. I smile contently at him, then out the window. A lot of the leaves have fallen, but… it's not such a bad thing.
"Hikaru?" Kaoru asks after about five minutes.
"Yeah?" I respond out of habit, half absent-minded.
"Why'd you break my old phone charm you got me?" He deadpans.
"W-Why'd you give it back?" I'm being stubborn and avoid the question. Kaoru just smirks at me.
"I didn't think you were going to break it like that. I though you would hold onto it for a while, not smash the darn thing." Despite his words, his voice is light as he holds back some laughter.
I feel a mental sweat drop when I answer, "I-I'm sorry. I was just pissed off, you know? Forgive me?" I wrap my arm around his shoulder and bring him closer, lifting up his chin slightly with my other hand. He just continues to smirk.
"I don't know…" He's hamming it up. "I guess. 'Just promise you won't do it again'?" I laugh a bit. I never thought he would throw my words back at me.
"Of course." I place the box on the ground next to me and we both look out the window silently. It's a comfortable silence. One we both haven't had for a while.
The leaves on the trees are more dead than nine years ago at this time. But that doesn't mean anything's changed. At least, for the falling leaves.
They fall like before. They do not change how they work. Just when they do fall.
It feels like bad haiku.
Author's Notes:
Yay! It's finally done!! Took WAY to long... Please help me by pointing out any mistakes ANYWHERE in the story. I'm somewhat of an idiot and can't seem to find them all myself. :
I'm going to be honest. This is the first fanfic (with multiple chapters) that I've ever finished. I'm not kidding.. I usually give up and start something new. Hopefully, I won't be like that anymore.
For your sake, please feel free to ask any questions you want through reviews or PMs about something you may not understand or are just curious about. I will be more than happy to answer them for you the best I can. I know there are a few things that were not explained well, because it was written in Hikaru's POV. Besides, this is one of the first times I've written in first-person. D:
Can anyone guess why I chose a monkey and a bird?
There is a story to parallel this one, in Kaoru's POV, that I hope will shine some light on some of the details on this story line. "Just to See You Smile Later" is not complete right now, but will be sooner or later. I'm not giving up on that. o3o
