Chapter 9: Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-Go Deluxe Edition 4.0
Setzer was sitting at his keyboard organ, playing the solo from the Doors song 'The Wasp (Texas Radio and the Big Beat)'. His right hand was nailing the more audible notes, while his left provided the bass pumps. His timing was near flawless.
'Damn he's good,' Tom admitted. 'I thought Maria was the only one with hands those coordinated.
'Pssh,' Crono 'pssh'd'. 'Sure he can play that song. I'd like to see him even attempt 'Light My Fire'.
Claire smacked Crono. 'Don't even get him started on that song.'
'Why?'
—Flashback—
The Soviet Reunion was on a stage, in front of a thousand adoring fans. They were playing a cover of 'Light My Fire', and it was their second-to-last song of the night.
For this particular song, Richard, not having any intense guitar moments during the vocals, took up singing duties. Claire, since all the bass notes would be played on Setzer's organ, had nothing to do, so she was off-stage getting high or something. Revolver Ocelot was keeping the rhythm like drums were supposed to. Setzer was doing the bass notes while providing occasional high notes to compliment Richard's watery guitar lick as he sang.
'Try to set the night on . . . fiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaaaa, yeeeeeaaaaaheeeeeaaah!' Richard cried as the drums kicked up and Setzer's organ solo began. Rather than follow the recording, Setzer chose to just improvise anything that came to his right hand's mind. Unfortunately, his right hand was a bit of a showstealer.
To start off he began to just shower the air with a hypnotic flourish that lasted twenty seconds, before playing an mindblowingly complex set of chords that many still think were played by a third pair of hands that was out of sight in the dark recesses of the stage. Originally, at the end of the solo, his signal would be to play each note in sequence from the highest note to the bottom, then a small flourish. From here, Richard would take up the rest.
However, Setzer did not give the signal. He continued to play until his hand started to go numb. Ocelot was finding it very hard to continue to play the same notes over and over ten minutes straight. Thinking Setzer was finally done and Richard could do his thing, he played the transition from organ solo to guitar solo.
'HEY!' Setzer screamed, still playing. 'I'M NOT DONE YET!'
'Well I am!' Ocelot yelled back as Richard began to drown the two out with silky guitar notes.
'RICHARD! STOP IT!' Setzer picked up his organ and broke it over his knee. He then stormed up to Richard, ripped his guitar from him and threw it into the audience.
'The fuck, Setzer!' Richard yelled as Setzer kicked over Ocelot's drums with Ocelot still behind them. 'Are you fucking crazy!'
'YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT A MAN'S ORGAN SOLO!' Setzer screamed at the top of his lungs, so shrilly he sounded like a girl. He fell to his knees and put his head in his hands, shaking. 'GAAA! I'M SO FUCKING PISSED AT YOU RICHARD!'
'Fight! Fight! Fight!' the audience chanted.
Richard threw his hands up and got a spare organ from the side of the stage. He picked Setzer up and put him in a chair. 'Finish your stupid ass solo!' he ordered as Ocelot tiredly began the drums again.
Setzer played two more notes and then played the signalling flourish. 'Take it away, Richard!' he cried cheerfully.
Richard facepalmed him intensely before unstrapping a guitar he'd just put on and smacking him in the face with it. He then proceeded to begin his guitar solo as Ocelot finally passed out from exhaustion.
—End Flashback—
'Needless to say,' Claire said, 'that was our last concert before the breakup.'
Crono scratched his head. 'What a—'
Frog suddenly approached. 'Thou playest the organ, Setzer? Might I request a song from my youth, called "Light My Fire"?'
'NO!' Claire screamed.
'NO!' Crono screamed as well.
'Shit,' Amarant sighed as he put his head in his hands.
Richard even fidgeted in his sleep.
Setzer's eyes lit up as he began the opening organ solo.
'Frog, I'm going to slit your throat,' Claire threatened in a very serious manner.
— — — At the Super Awesome Whatever — — —
You'd better use the whole name. I have to.
— — — Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-GoDeluxe Edition 9.0 — — —
'Smelly,' Henry commented as he blinked in the low light. Rorschach sighed, rather displeased with being the only sane man left on the team.
'What do you expect, the walls are covered in rust and blood,' the vigilante replied.
'This hospital is WAAAY cooler than the shitty ones me and Henry had to go in in our games!' James said in wonder.
'Press X to look at items,' Henry muttered as he staggered in place.
'We really need to fix you,' Rorschach sighed.
— — — In another room very nearby — — —
There were two nurses with huge humps in their backs standing side-by-side, looking at a tall, muscular man who had just burst through the door. In his mouth was a cigar, and in his hand was a double-barrel shotgun. Do . . . do I even have to say who it is? Seriously, if you have any brain cells you'd know it's the Comedian.
'Hey dames,' the Comedian greeted as he pulled the cigar out of his mouth and blew a huge puff. 'You're lookin' pretty fine today.'
'Look mister, I don't know who the hell you—' the less attractive nurse began before her head was blown off in a storm of buckshot.
'You, uh, you work here, do ya?' he said casually as he put two more shells in the gun.
'Y-Yes,' the remaining nurse said. Eddie maneuvered himself next to her, grinning as he put the cigar back in his mouth.
'You're a pretty little thing,' he said as he cracked his knuckles.
'Listen sir, you don't—'
The Comedian roundhouse punched her in the face and threw her into a nearby gurney, then cracked her over the head with the shotgun. He then started chuckling and tossed the shotgun aside. He unzipped his pants zipper and went to pull them down.
The door opened and in walked James, who turned back and yelled 'I won't let you down!' He turned back around and looked straight at the Comedian, who was frozen in place, looking at him like a deer in headlights. They stared at each other for three minutes.
'Yeah nothin' in here,' James declared as he left the room like nothing happened.
'Why don't I believe you,' the paranoid Rorschach growled as he opened the door.
'For fuck's sake, can we keep the—' Eddie began before he noticed it was not James who entered.
'Eddie,' Rorschach growled.
'Ror-dude,' the Comedian said, somewhat surprised. He zipped his pants back up and grabbed the double-barrel. 'The hell you doing here?'
'I should ask you the same thing,' Rorschach said menacingly. 'I believe you have something of mine.'
'I ain't got—'
'GIVE IT BAAAAAAAACK!' Rorschach roared.
'Pew,' Henry said as he made a gun with his hand and shot the dead nurse, then giggled to himself.
'Fine, fuck,' Eddie relented as he tossed Rorschach an eraser. Literally. An eraser.
Rorschach squealed with glee as he pulled out his diary and erased a pencil-drawn penis off of the front cover. 'My work here is done,' he said, and he left.
James stood there and scratched his head. 'Now is the part where Henry complains about Rorschach only wanting an eraser and then ditching us!'
Henry was leaning against the wall, eyes rolling around in a daze as he blinked tiredly.
'Is that—HEEEENRY!' the Comedian yelled as he dove at Henry and wrapped his arms around him, lifting him off his feet. 'I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MAN! TEAM EDDIE AND HENRY! YEAH! WHOOO!'
Henry's head lolled and he patted Eddie on the back. 'Sup,' he said.
Eddie threw Henry to the ground upon seeing James. 'The hell are you?' he asked suspiciously.
'I'm me!' James answered enthusiastically.
Henry meanwhile had fallen against a gurney and hit his head once more. He sat up and rubbed his head. 'Owww,' he moaned. 'Where the hell—' He looked up to see the Comedian. '—damn . . . it . . . all.'
'Henry!' James cried. He hugged the brunette tightly.
'James, remember when I used to tell you this was very gay of you?'
'Yeah!'
'Nothing has changed in that area.'
'Oh.'
'I'm sorry pal,' Eddie said as he put his hand on James' shoulder. 'You're a nice guy, but Team Eddie/Henry has already been established.'
'Hey, it was Team Henry/James LONG before it was Team Henry/Eddie!' Henry said as he patted a crying James on the back. 'James has been with me since square one! You're the new blood. Give me that shotgun.'
'But—'
'Eddie.'
Eddie pouted as he gave Henry the shotgun. Henry slid the infinite ammo shell into it and chuckled to himself.
'Let's get my daughter back,' he said with a grin.
'She's not really your daughter,' James reminded.
'Dammit James, shut up!'
'Oh, sorry.'
— — — Le Reunion Au Soviet — — —
Setzer finished 'Light My Fire'. It had been an hour of nonstop playing. 'Anyone got any other requests?' he asked.
Maria was passed out on Tom's lap while Tom was passed out on Crono's lap. Crono was passed out with his head resting on Claire's breasts, while Claire was passed out on Robo, who had shortcircuited and spewed ice-cream all over. Even the Flaming Amarant had fainted.
Frog clapped. 'Pray could you play "Like A Rolling Stone" by Robert Dylan? 'Tis a favorite of mine.'
Richard suddenly jerked awake and stopped the bus. 'Somethin's wrong,' he announced as he grabbed an assault rifle from the glovebox. Yeah. A really damn big glovebox. He walked over to Amarant and tossed him a Phoenix Down.
'Is it . . . over?' Amarant breathed as he sat up and nursed his bleeding ears. The rest of the gang awoke and looked at him like he was high. He actually was, but . . . shhhhhh.
'Ya hear that?' Richard asked. Amarant wiped the blood from his ears and listened. The sound of wings flapping and bird-like shrieks could be heard.
— — — On a nearby cliff over the road — — —
Ozymandias watched the bird monsters converge on the tour bus. 'Ha! Those musicians are no match for an army of flying demons!'
Suddenly the shrieks were drowned in the sound of rapid gunshots. Through the fog, Ozymandias could see flashes, lots of them, and tons of birds being ripped to shreds.
'What the hell!' he cried.
— — — The Tour Bus — — —
'HAHAHAHA! YEEEEAAAAAAAH! COME GET SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!' Richard screamed as he stood on the roof of the bus, blowing the birds out of the sky with his rifle. They swooped to attack him but he teleported away and let loose as many rounds on them as he could, each round hitting their target.
'There is only one good thing about being Richard's roommate and heterosexual life partner,' Amarant stated as he pulled out two gatling guns and slung the ammo belts over his shoulders. 'Bloodshed. All the fucking time.' He then let the guns rip and shredded so many birds that it was actually hilarious.
In the tour bus, Setzer had taken the driver's seat. 'You know, I really didn't want to do this,' he sighed as he started hitting switches.'
'Do what?' Maria asked.
'Setzer, is this really necessary?' Claire asked.
'Oh come on Claire, you used to love the Tyrannosaurus Sex!' Setzer said knowingly as he continued to hit switches.
'The what?' Tom asked. 'Sounds HOT!'
'It's not that, you dipshit,' Claire sighed. 'That's the name Richard gave this bus.'
Setzer pulled a lever and turned back to grin at them. 'This isn't a bus.'
— — — Ozymandias and the Cliff of Doom — — —
Ozymandias watched as they ceaselessly killed his army of bird demons. He turned to retreat when he was tackled by a gigantic animal. They fell to the ground, the animal landing on him and thus remaining unhurt.
'What is . . . Bubastis!' the villain cried as he recognized his attacker.
'This is for leaving me in the chasm,' she said bluntly as she bodyslammed him in the face and knocked him out cold. She then leapt aboard the . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Author: Say it.
But it's lame.
Author: It's the name. SAY IT.
Richard: And it is not lame!
She then leapt aboard the . . . Tyrannosaurus Sex as its wheels tucked themselves in, and its front and back elongated. The roof opened up, Richard and Amarant leaping into the interior of the bus, as the thing configured itself into a gigantic airship.
'It's a fucking airship?' Maria squealed. 'That is so righteous!'
Tom jumped up and down. 'I've always wanted to fly on one of these! But they weren't real until now!'
'I wanted to name her the Trump, but Richard won the poker match so I had to oblige!' Setzer yelled over the roar of the engines as he kicked it into high gear and the bus shot forward, screaming through the air.
'An airship,' Bubastis said. 'Impressive.'
Everyone turned to look at her, even Setzer. The ship quickly lost control and began to plummet.
'SETZER!' Claire screamed. Setzer jumped and looked out the front window.
'FUCK!' he cried as he corrected the course and they once more sailed through the sky.
'Who the hell are you?' Richard asked as he loaded a fresh clip into his rifle.
'Pardon me. My name is Bubastis. I was a former acquaintance of the man who ordered the attack on you.'
'What changed?'
'He left me to die in one of those endless pits all around Silent Hill.'
'That is horrible!' Robo beeped. 'You are a unique specimen! Never has there been one such as you.'
Bubastis purred. 'Thank you, metal can-like thing.'
'Please, my name is Robo.'
Richard held out his hand. 'And I'm Richard! The captain of this fine ship!'
Setzer frowned. 'Bullshit . . .'
'Do you happen to know of a man named Henry Townshend?' Bubastis asked.
'Yeah I know Henry? Why?'
'We all know Henry,' Tom declared.
'Not really,' Claire said.
'Shut up!' Richard barked.
'Well, he is currently being lured into a trap in Silent Hill. His daughter Cheryl has been kidnapped and is going to be sacrificed—'
'WHAT!' Richard screamed. His eyebrows furrowed and he bared his teeth. 'Full speed to Silent Hill, double time it! I'll be fucked if anyone hurts my damn niece! Who the hell is behind this?'
Bubastis looked at him. 'Who do you think?'
'Walter Sullivan?' Amarant asked coolly. 'Thought we killed him. The fuck does he want now?
'He is under orders from a man named Michael Kaufmann.'
'How much time do we have?'
'I'd say about an hour or two. Half of the girl is running loose trying to stop it, but Henry is going to be tricked into stopping her. It's kind of smart for something that bitch Dahlia came up with.'
There came a sound of water dripping. Tom had pissed himself.
'Oh no!' he said. 'Oh heeelll no!'
'What?' Maria asked.
'Not Dahlia!' Tom wailed. 'Anyone but Dahlia! Not her!'
'Yes, her,' Bubastis stated dryly.
'What the hell happened between you two?' Crono asked.
'Well you guys know my hobbies and stuff. Well . . .'
'Let me guess,' Amarant said. 'You raped her?'
'NO! She raped me!' Tom screamed as he buried his head in his hands . . . somehow.
Richard stared at him. '. . . what?'
— Flashback —
Tom was standing in the Super Awesome Dream Hospital after killing Maria for the first time. He was dragging her body back to . . . well . . . yeah.
All of a sudden this beautiful, gorgeous young woman moseyed up to him. And by that I mean a hideous, disgusting old hag.
'Hey sailor,' she cooed as she bit her lip and wound her hair around her finger. 'What are you up to?'
'N-Nothing,' the naཿve young Tom said as he dropped Maria and tried to hide her with his body. 'Oh dear, look at the—'
'Come here, hot stuff!' Dahlia cried as she pulled him by his robes to the elevator and began to undress him.
'What are you—' Tom screamed.
'Shhhh,' Dahlia said as she put her finger to her lips. 'I know what the first time is like.'
'I'm a fucking Pyramid Head!' Tom declared. 'This is far from my first time! I had an orgy about ten minutes ago, and before that I had sex too! With that dead chick out in the hall to boot!'
'I love a man who knows what he's doing!' she purred as she slid her clothes off.
Maria: She purred at you! That whore!
'Look lady, I don't have any money but I'll pay you to stop—OH MY GOD!' He hit the button rapidly on the elevator to open and dove out, clawing his way to freedom. Dahlia grabbed him by his legs and dragged him back.
'NOOOOOOOOOO!' he screamed as he stretched his hand out. The elevator closed.
—End Flashback—
Richard scratched his head. 'Damn,' he declared.
'Yes,' Bubastis said. 'Dahlia is a very large threat — her powers are not to be underestimated.'
'I think we're more than a match for her,' Amarant assured.
'I calculate that Bubastis would have more knowledge on this than you would,' Robo beeped.
'Thank you Robo,' Bubastis replied.
'I didn't think robots could think with their dicks,' Richard said with a grin. He patted Robo on the head. 'You're becoming a man.'
Robo looked at him in confusion. 'I—what do you mean?'
The guys just laughed at him.
'I feel like Frog,' Robo booped with sadness.
'Now that you know mine pain,' Frog said with an air of superiority. 'The healing can begin.'
The two looked at each other before Robo just beeped 'You're so damn gay it's off the charts.' He rolled away.
— — — To the Super Awesome Dream Hospital — — —
'And it's hard to say / Who you are these days / But you run on anyway / Don't you baby? / You keep runnin' for another place / To find that saaaving graaaaaaace,' James sang as Henry and Eddie inspectigated the rooms of the Hospital for important things.
'Does he always fucking sing like this?' Eddie yelled across the hospital. With the place being dead silent, Henry heard him loud and clear.
'Yeah!' Henry screamed back. 'We all just got used to it, it's no use trying to stop him.'
'Why haven't you shot him yet?'
'Cuz he's my bestie!'
'Your what?'
'My bff.
As they had this exchange, Rorschach moseyed up to James and slapped him. James promptly stopped singing.
'Jetpack!' he greeted cheerily.
'Hey man. The exit to this place is sealed off, I got no choice but to come with you fellows!' the vigilante said very cheerfully..
'Great!'
Meanwhile Eddie had found a huge tentacled monster in the floor of one room. Its tentacles were sucking up blood from the floor. The Comedian tried to get the plate that was behind them but they whipped him in the face.
'The fuck!' he said as he wiped his face.
'Back the FUCK off, this is MY PLATE, BITCH!' the tentacles screamed.
'Hey man, I don't want any trouble.'
'Well you fucking FOUND it, dickface!'
'I don't like your attitude,' the man said, getting angry and slipping into his Comedian persona.
'Yeh, well, the FUCK you gonna do about it?' the tentacles said.
Eddie stood there for a moment before he shook violently and roared into the air, then pulled out a flamethrower and sprayed the tentacles with fire. Hot, beautiful fire.
'GYAAAAAAAA!' the tentacles screamed in agony as they writhed in flames and died. Eddie stepped over them and grabbed the plate and left.
Meanwhile Henry walked into a room to find a bunch of nurses sitting around just about the last person/thing he expected.
'Heeeey,' came a very stoned Pyramid Head's voice as he fondled a nurse absently. 'What's up, weird guy?'
'Who the hell are you?' Henry asked. 'Wait, you must be Tom's brother, Jim.'
'Yeeaah, sure am, man,' Jim replied. 'You must be that Henry guy or something.'
'Teehee,' the nurses all giggled as they took huge swigs from morphine bottles. 'He's cute,' they all said at once.
Henry looked at them like he'd struck oil and walked forward. 'Well I don't mean to brag, but I do take care of myself,' he said with a grin.
One of the nurses moved and made room for him beside her. 'What's your name again, I was too . . . hehehe . . .' She fell onto his shoulder and began to drool.
'This is the coolest fucking hospital ever,' Henry said with a huge smile as he moved to cop a feel on the nurse that'd just passed out on him.
'WHOOOOOOOO!' came a scream from outside, and the door flew open. In walked Eddie, who promptly murdered all the nurses with his handgun, while screaming like he was on a roller coaster.
Jim looked around and sighed, a huge stream of pot smoke blowing from under his helmet. 'Daaaamn,' he said.
'THE FUCK!' the Comedian screamed as he loaded Jim with a shitload of bullets, all of which bounced off his helmet and ricocheted around the room.
'EDDIE!' Henry roared as jumped up and knocked the gun out of the Comedian's hand, then jumped to the ground with him to take cover from the bullets that were flying around the room.
Just then James and Rorschach walked in. 'What the—' Rorschach began when he was suddenly hit in the head with a bullet and fell to the ground, quite dead.
James's jaw dropped and he looked at Henry. Henry's eyes grew wide and he stared at the Comedian. The Comedian stared at Rorschach's body in disbelief. Jim even sat up and looked at the dead hero.
'Dude,' the Comedian said as he knelt beside Rorschach. 'That . . . was so not my fault.'
'HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT NOT YOUR FAULT!' Henry screamed. 'IF YOU DIDN'T SHOOT AT EVERYTHING THAT MOVES HE'D STILL BE ALIVE!'
Just then Rorschach walked in the room. 'What the fuck are we all yelling at?' he said, annoyed. Everyone looked at him in disbelief, then back at the other Rorschach.
The other Rorschach sat up and pulled off his mask, revealing . . .
'Walter!' James cried.
'What?' Rorschach and Walter said at the same time. 'Oh,' Rorschach said as he turned to Walter Sullivan.
'Ouch!' Walter pouted as he stood up and pulled the bullet out of his head, which was regenerating.
'How are you still immortal?' Henry mused to himself. 'Nevermind, I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!'
'Y-You hurt me, and . . . Cheryl dies!' Walter said quickly.
'You son of a bitch,' Henry fumed as he stepped back. 'Get the fuck out of my sight.'
'That's right,' Walter snickered. 'Now everybody drop—' Walter was suddenly impaled with a flying spear that shot through him and into the wall, essentially nailing him in place.
Jim's arm was in the air. 'Buuuuuuuullseyeeeee,' said his very-much stoned voice.
'Daaamn!' Henry whistled. 'Thanks, man.'
'What?' Jim replied, absolutely clueless. 'I'm just playin' darts, maaaan.'
'You impaled Walter Sullivan though!' James informed him.
Jim looked hard at Walter and then looked to his left, at a dart board that was hanging on the wall. '. . . ooooohhhhhhhhh . . .' he breathed. He grabbed another spear and threw it at the small dartboard, and missed horribly.
'Hey Jim,' Henry said, 'do you know a way out of this hospital?'
'Yeeeaaaah,' Jim said as he threw Henry a key. 'It's in the basement storeroom, dude. There's some weed growin' over the shaft, though. Try not to hurt it, that's my backup.'
'Thanks.' Henry walked out of the room with James and Rorschach.
'Sorry about the nurses,' Eddie apologized, quite sincerely.
Jim waved his hand. 'Don't worry 'bout it, man, I got tons more at home.'
— — — The Basement Storeroom — — —
Our heroes came to the basement storeroom's secret room. They found a grate covered in cannabis, barring their exitting of the Super Awesome Dream Hospital.
'Okay, I guess we're gonna have to move this slowly so we don't damage it,' Henry sighed.
Not a second afterward, Eddie's cigar's ash fell off and landed on the plant. It erupted in a huge casserole of flames and smoke. The aroma drifted into our protagonists' nostrils . . .
'I've never done weed before,' Rorschach said in disbelief as he inhaled the fumes against his will. He knew it was too late.
— — — Ten minutes later — — —
The grate had been cleared of weed.
The group was sitting against a wall, laughing at everything, stoned off their asses.
'Hey man,' Eddie said in a chill voice. 'The grate's cleared.'
Henry laughed. 'So?'
James laughed too. 'I farted.'
Everyone laughed at him, Rorschach so hard that he fell over and convulsed, unable to breathe. This sent all the others into laughter so uncontrollable that they couldn't control it.
— — — With Jim the Pyramid Head — — —
Walter struggled valiantly to free himself but could not. He sighed and pouted. 'Well this sucks!' he declared. 'Why'd you have to be a poo-head about this?'
'What the hell?' Jim said, almost laughing. 'That clock is talking to me . . .'
'I'm not a clock! I'm a human being!'
'If you're a clock, why, then why do you have hands?' Jim stumbled to say.
'Humans have hands too!'
'Prove it . . .'
Walter held up his hands. 'I have them, and I'M HUMAN!'
'No, you're a clock, man, and, like, I hate clocks, always being on time and shit.'
'Do you even have a sober persona anymore?' Walter asked.
'Noooope,' Jim said as he started to throw spears at Walter.
— — — HERJ — — —
'Hey guys,' Henry said with a big stupid grin as he stood, stumbled, and shuffled to the chute. 'Guys . . . hey, guys . . . look . . . guys . . . guys . . . look . . . look guys . . . guys . . . hey . . . look . . . hey . . . . . . . hey . . . guys . . . hey . . .'
'Whaaaaat?' Rorschach asked.
'Huh?' Henry replied.
'Huh?'
'Watch this,' the brunette snickered as he put one foot in the chute and lost his balance, falling down in a horrible manner, causing him to hit his nuts on the rim and his head on the wall. He fell down onto grate.
'Whoa,' James said in awe. 'How did he do that?'
The Comedian shrugged. So did Rorschach. James stood up and shuffled over. His knees buckled before he got there and he fell in headfirst, landing on Henry, who busted into laughter.
The Comedian jumped in next, laughing the whole way down, until he landed on his legs, which buckled, and he fell on his ass, hitting his head on the grate. Then he went 'Ooooh,' and laughed again.
Rorschach did a swan dive and landed on his head, somersaulting forward and almost breaking his neck. He didn't seem to care.
Not one of them remembered exactly what they found down there, and when they became sober they were being looked at by a hot nurse.
'Whoa,' Henry said as he sat up and held his head. 'What the hell? Where have I been? Who was phone?'
'Are you okay?' the nurse said. 'Do you remember anything? Your name?'
'My name is Henry, and I'm looking for a little girl. She's about this tall, short black hair, seven years old. Answers to the name Cheryl.'
'I'm Lisa, and I'm afraid the only person I've seen in this town is you.'
'What about them?' Henry asked as he pointed to James, Rorschach, and the Comedian, who were playing Risk at a table nearby.
James moved rolled a dice and took Great Britain from the Comedian. 'Checkmate!' James cried.
'Oh yeah, I forgot about them,' Lisa said. 'Anyway, do you know what's going on?'
'I can't remember anything after I got high in the basement storeroom. Maybe I found something down there . . .' Henry pulled out a picture of a girl, labeled 'Alessa'. '. . . huh. Maybe I found something else . . .' He pulled out a huge blunt, a pair of scissors, a bullet with a note attached, and a pair of dice.
'What's this?' he asked as he read the note on the bullet. 'Oh, it's the infinite rifle bullet. I don't even have a rifle. Lame.' He looked at Lisa. 'So, wanna have sex?'
'Not particularly,' Lisa replied. 'I'm kind of—nevermind, you'll find out later.'
'Okey-dokey. Well, I guess it's time to pass out.'
'What?'
Just then the siren sounded, and Henry got a massive headache. The others, however, were unaffected.
'I have a bad feeling,' Rorschach said as he saw Henry pass out before his eyes.
When Henry woke up, he was in the examination room, except it was the real world. Dahlia was putting on her clothed and smirking.
'What did you do to me!' Henry cried as he noticed his shirt buttons weren't all done.
'I didn't do a damn thing, naughty boy,' Dahlia said as she tossed him a key. 'Check out the antique shop, it's the shit. And . . . my number's on that tag. (Call me)' She left the room.
Henry stared at the door in horror before he suddenly threw up all over the floor and began bawling. He then checked the key's tag. It read:
'(555-555-1337) You're a crazy son of a bitch when you're high, and a bit of a screamer . . . but I can dig that. Ring me up, sweetcheeks, if you wanna have a good time. – Love Dahlia. P.S. This key is for the Green Lion Antique Shop, but it also works for my front door, if you ever wanna . . . you know . . . swing by . . . ;)'
Henry slammed his eyes shut. 'Gotta find Cheryl, gotta find Cheryl, gotta find Cheryl, gotta find Cheryl . . .' He repeated this as he stood up and left the hospital, heading for the antique shop.
To Be Continued . . .
Can Cheryl be saved? Will James win the game of Risk? Is Henry a screamer? Find out some of these things, hopefully not the third, in Chapter Ten!
EF: Okay brosephs, this is a 16 page behemoth. You'd better buy me a lot of drinks for this one. And since he was the favorite and it's the Super Awesome Dream Hospital, I figured that I'd let Henry take a swing at this and we'll see how it goes.
Henry: Hells yeah!
Richard: I'm guessing since we already have 16 pages we won't have to make this long.
EF: But we still will anyway.
Amarant: Figures.
EF:: Since there are no questions from reviewers or PM's, one of our characters was kind enough to ask us a question!
Richard: Okay, let's do this shit!
EF: Our only question is from Maria. She asks: 'Richard . . . if you had to bang one chick in the story, who would it be?'
Richard: Err . . .
Amarant: Hmm.
Richard: I guess some people forget I'm impotent, as I'm dead. My blood doesn't flow. I can't get boners. Thanks for reminding me.
EF: Let's assume you were still living.
Richard: Oh that's a different case. Well there's only, like, 3 chicks in the story anyway, at least, worth banging . . . coughDahliacough. So I'm gonna have to go with . . . Eileen. She's dumber than a box of rocks and has the memory of a goldfish.
EF: Okay, Amarant?
Amarant: Uh . . .
EF: What?
Amarant: I'm a married man.
EF: Oh yeah.
Henry and Richard: WHAT!
Amarant: Yeah, I thought we all knew that I was married to Freya.
Richard: I . . . vaguely remember that. I thought she divorced you.
Amarant: Come on Richard. Size matters and look at me . . .
Henry: Eww.
Richard: But dude, she's a rat. And that means she's a furry . . .
Henry: Mega-Eww.
Amarant: Yeah, since we all know I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole . . . and I have a ten-foot pole . . . we have a very open relationship. So I guess I'd have to choose Maria.
Henry: She's got so many STDs though!
Amarant: Nothing a Remedy can't cure, dude. And you can't fathom the things I'm into.
Henry: Ultra-super-duper Eww.
EF: And lastly, Henry?
Henry: Who's that chick that I haven't met yet?
EF: ?
Richard: Every one. Ahahahaha!
Amarant: Zing.
Henry: No. That hot brunette that plays with Richard's band.
EF: Claire?
Henry: Yeah. Her. All the way. Every way.
EF: That's . . .
Amarant: . . . awesome.
Richard: You're manlier than I thought.
EF: . . . I was thinking 'disturbing' but hey, we'll go with that.
Henry: Seriously, I'm done with Eileen. Ever since she thought sex was a type of meat, I've stopped trying.
Richard: Tough break.
Henry: Yep.
EF: Well that wraps up this chapter . . . and what a chapter it is, a whopping 17 pages! Don't start counting on this kind of thing, though, we all know what kind of person I am.
Richard: Oh boy, do we . . .
EF: In any case, hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you next chapter!
Richard: Sayonara!
Amarant: Yep.
Henry: Later! GOD I'VE WANTED TO SAY THAT SINCE THIS SEGMENT STARTED!
Richard: Welcome to the Awesome clan. Enjoy your stay.
Henry: WOOTOX!
