So sorry about the space between updates. I had my water polo championships this weekend, but now here it is, the lovely next installment!
Beware of feels.
"Don't look now, Tom, but Lestrange is coming."
With an irritated groan, Tom pushed away from me and tried to look as if he hadn't just been heatedly snogging me for the past half hour.
"Hair," I whispered gleefully and Tom flicked a dark curl from his face and smoothed it all back.
"Just be quiet," he hissed at me. "And get behind that tapestry!"
I slipped into the hidden corridor and giggled.
"Not. Quiet," he growled through gritted teeth.
Pressing my hand to my mouth, I leaned back against the cold stone wall and waited for Lestrange to leave so I could get back to my favorite part of every day. Merlin… If someone told me a few months ago that I would be here, I might've jinxed them.
Tom and I had been—well, we don't really like to label things, you know? We've been…this way for almost three months. We kept a very strictly secretive relationship and we loved it that way. It made everything more special and fun. Every moment together felt stolen, every kiss was taboo. During the day, glances were fleeting and precious; "accidental" touches were promises for a later time when we could be free. A time when we could drown in each other without restraint.
No one was the wiser. There was no need for pesky explanations or a certain someone's crippling heartache so long as we pretended to ignore each other by day and only showed our feelings at night. We kept that part just for each other. It was personal, it was meaningful, it was…it was…constricting.
I shrugged those feelings off, the way I always did. We had the best of both worlds, he and I. Jemma was kept happy, Tom seemed happy, and I was ecstatic.
While we were very careful, every once in a while, moments like these happened. When pretending not to care about the other was too much, we just couldn't wait until that night's Prefect duties. Today I had told off a particularly nosy Gryffindor and Tom had all but dragged me with his eyes to this abandoned corridor and hadn't let me breathe since.
"My Lord!" Lestrange greeted on the other side of the tapestry. "There you are! Where have you been?"
I imagined Tom scowling in my direction and I barely suppressed a shiver. The first time I heard that title had been a few weeks ago, and I had been dumb enough to ask about it. Tom had glared at me, withdrew, and did this infuriating thing where he didn't speak to me. This was something he did to punish me, I'm sure. If he ever tired of me or deemed me bothersome, he left no matter how much I tried to take it back. It used to happen often but the signs became familiar to me and I started to be more careful. There were places I didn't go, things I didn't ask, and though it made me feel uneasy, it stopped the pain. For though I knew these bouts never lasted, they did always hurt. Without the reassurance of the knowledge that I could speak to him later, I fell apart. I could barely do magic and I couldn't focus. Hell, I could barely walk! I would miss steps, tumble down stairs, bump into things—I even sliced my arm on a suit of armor once! I become downright pathetic, and it was always a wonder when Tom would glide back to me one night with a contrite smile and beg my forgiveness at his absence. I would always practically leap back into his arms.
"It is no concern of yours, Lestrange, where I go," Tom snapped.
"You were gone for so long, I—"
"What?"
"I just wondered if we were…meeting ahead of schedule?"
Curiosity bubbled up inside me and I had to fight the urge to peek out of the curtain. Tom must have looked livid. I was probably not supposed to have heard this, and if I was any kind of a good…whatever I was... I would plug my ears with my fingers and try to forget about it.
Fuck that, I wanted to know!
A loud bang resounded in the corridor that made me jump. A whimper followed.
"And if we were, you would know if I wished, not a moment before!"
"Y-Yes, my Lord."
"Leave me."
Lestrange didn't move. "But…are we still…?"
I waited with baited breath as Tom's silence stretched on for three heartbeats.
"Yes," he murmured so low I nearly missed it.
"Tonight?"
"Yes." This time through gritted teeth.
"Until then, my Lord." I could practically hear Lestrange's smirk and then his footsteps were echoing down the corridor. Further and further…
I waited, unsure of weather I was really ready to come out after hearing about this. My mind was abuzz. Something was going on, Riddle was keeping it from me, and I was the kind of idiot that wanted to know what was going on.
Suddenly Tom yanked the tapestry back. I gasped. We stared at each other for a long time.
"Tom, what—"
"Don't!" he growled.
I chewed my lip under his glare but didn't look away. If I asked, he would leave and I would hurt. I certainly didn't want that. Maybe I could work my way towards it…
"What about our Prefect duties?" I asked innocently.
His eyes narrowed. "I think you can manage one night, can't you? You're a capable witch."
"But what about…" I edged closer to him and fingered the collar of his shirt. I watched a smirk tug at his lips as I traced his chest lightly through the fabric. When I jerked on his tie, Tom was struggling to keep his cool.
"One night. You'll manage," he wheezed as I pulled his tie a little tighter. He leaned forward to close the gap.
I stopped him with a finger to his lips. "Yes, but will you?"
Tom smirked and kissed my finger. "It will be difficult."
Inwardly, I sighed. He hadn't taken the bait. Not that I really expected him to; it wasn't the slyest I had ever been, but I still wished he would have said something. The knowledge that there was something secret happening (something besides us) made me uneasy. I never trusted Tom's "gang" and if they were up to something…
But Tom wouldn't be up to something, he was a school Prefect, he got that award last year. He wouldn't.
An exasperated sigh pulled me from my thoughts. I glanced up to find Tom watching me in annoyance.
"What?"
"We both know that you will ask despite me telling you not to," he sneered. "Get it over with so we can move on."
I rolled my eyes at him. "Why? You wouldn't answer anyway would you? You'll just turn away from me—like you're doing now—and I won't hear from you—"
"Why can't you just keep your nose out of my business?" Tom hissed, pushing me back into the hidden corridor. "Why can't you just do as I say?"
"Because I want to know, Tom!" I cried. Taking a deep breath, I glanced around and decided I shouldn't lose my temper. I shouldn't yell at him. It may not end too well for me if I did.
"You don't need to know!" Tom grabbed my arm right where I had fallen rather heavily into a chair and I hissed in pain. The bruise there was only just starting to go away but Tom dug his fingers into it. My teeth grit and I tried not to give him the satisfaction of a real sound. He always laughed when that happened.
"I want to know," I insisted as I grimanced, "because I want to be a part of your life Tom!"
He suddenly looked confused.
So I felt confused.
What was there that was shocking about that statement?
"Why?" he choked in a strangled voice.
I blinked at him, momentarily forgetting the pain shooting down my arm. "I-I just… You…" Nerves exploded inside me. Tom and I never talked much about how we felt, we just sort of did things, and that was enough for the both of us. Well, one of us if I was being truly honest. I consoled myself by believing that if he didn't feel the same way then he would never have bothered. Now I was starting to worry. "W-we…We're together aren't we?" I asked meekly. "Don't you think I deserve to know more about you? Shouldn't you be sharing more things with me? Shouldn't you trust me?"
Tom looked startled like I had just told him the sky was actually violet. And then, quick as lightning, he looked at me as if he had never been so repulsed in his life. He tried several times to say something, but nothing came out. He squeezed my arm harder. My heart shriveled up and died.
He shoved me against the wall and backed away a few steps, a weak snarl on his face. "You mustn't ask questions to which you don't want the answer," he said softly before he spun away and ran.
It hurt worse than all the other times. Stunned, I stayed pinned against the wall, the anguish welling up inside me. I felt like I had really fucked up this time. I pushed him too far and he ran. My fault. That was so stupid! I didn't even know what I was trying to accomplish with that confrontation. It certainly wasn't finding out what he was up to that night. I hoped it wasn't coaxing some kind of emotional connection from the horrible boy. Sometimes I would wonder if he even really had emotions. The way he acted sometimes… but then sometimes I would swear that he at least cared. If nothing else.
I wondered if he would come back this time. I was honestly not optimistic. I had a bad feeling that I had scared him off for good. This time, there wouldn't be a make-up in an abandoned dungeon. This time…
Somewhere far off, the bell rang.
I shook my head, wiped away pathetic tears and angrily made my way to Care of Magical Creatures. Whether I was mad at myself or Tom, it was hard to know.
When Jemma saw me, she looked me over once and turned away. She knew not to bother. We'd been here so many times. I showed up distraught, she would ask about it, I would shut her down. It was a dance we both knew the steps to and were too tired to do them anymore. I didn't know if that made me grateful, or made me hurt more.
Jemma was one person that had always cared enough to ask me. Sure, sometimes Tom would ask about a rough day out of obligation but he wouldn't listen to the answer. But Jemma…for the most part, Jemma would want to help.
But I shut her out so much, she stopped. She quit on me.
Even that day's lesson in unicorns wasn't a distraction. They sensed my upset which made everything feel so much worse. Whenever I drew near to one, the great, white, graceful beast would rear its head and paw their hooves on the ground skittishly. It was bad enough that Professor Kettleburn asked me to step back with the boys. I was embarrassed.
I heard Tom laugh at me.
When class was over Jemma strode beside me, seething, as we made our way back up to the castle. I could feel her annoyance but I didn't feel particularly up to engaging her, so I let the prickly silence stretch on and on, all the way up the grounds.
Her angry silence even persisted in Charms.
As it went on, it made me feel smaller and smaller.
I tried to casually engage her, but her retorts were clipped and eventually I gave that up to let her fume. If she let me mope, I could at least do that couldn't I?
After a heartbreaking two hours where I couldn't talk to either of the people that I wanted to most, I thought I was finally free to find a nice corner to cry in and plan my apology to Tom.
Jemma called me back as the class filtered out. I waited by her silently as she packed her bag with such painstaking precision, we were the last two people in the classroom.
"Can you cut the crap?" she finally snapped.
My first response was to deny there was any crap to cut but I didn't even feel like doing that. Whenever Tom left me, my energy was sapped. My energy to fight would always be gone. This time it felt like I lacked even the energy to breathe. Instead of saying anything, I looked at my shoes.
"What is happening to you?"
I shrugged.
"You're…you're really scaring me…"
Sighing, I met her gaze. "I-I don't mean to, Jem. Really. I just…" I just what? I don't want to hurt you? I don't want to share my biggest secret with you? I don't want you to know what a weak and despicable creature I am? "I've just been…really emotional lately…I don't know why."
"Pff! You can say that again!" she cried, crossing her arms and glaring at me.
"I guess I'm just going through some stuff," I mumbled.
"What stuff? Why don't you tell me anything?"
I looked up at her with wide eyes. This conversation felt overwhelmingly familiar.
"That's what I'm here for!" She looked at me with begging, exasperated eyes. "We're best friends and…and I'm worried about you, Kay…"
My throat constricted. I focused on my shoes as I tried to choke back tears and stop my hands from trembling.
"You disappear, you daydream worse than ever, you randomly turned into this bloody awful klutz, you're always covered with bruises—yeah, I see them, don't look at me like that, we share a dormitory, you idiot!—you get so sad sometimes that nothing I do makes you smile—Merlin, you had the nicest smile, Kay…" Jemma's lip trembled and she played with the strap of her bag. She took a deep shaking breath and shouldered past me. "Some days, Kay," she mumbled, shaking her head, "It's like you're just not the same person."
I followed her to the door, determined not to let her leave. I'd already been dumb enough to lose one person today. If I lost another, I…
She pulled the door open and I grabbed it from her and pushed myself in between. I shook all over and I tried to steady myself with my hand on the door.
"L-look, Jem…" What could I even say? "I never wanted it to be like this with us so-so maybe…maybe it's time that I told you—"
The door slammed shut.
I screamed.
