Disclaimer: I Own Nothing.
Chapter Song: Broken Bones by Birds of Tokyo
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else ; you are the one who gets burned."
- Buddha
Six forty two.
Ugh, are you kidding me right now? We had been sitting here for only twelve minutes? Could time hate me anymore right now? If time were a person I bet they'd be having a grand old laugh right now.
Ha ha, Bella, in your face. Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm time and I'm intentionally going slow just to piss you the fuck off.
Yeah, keep saying that, time. I'll pop a cap in your ass.
Six forty six. How do you like that, bitch?
I glared at my watch, willing the time to go a lot faster. It wasn't working though. I was curious about Charlie Swan and his reasons for re-entering into my turbulent life. But not curious enough to look him in the eye. I decided to look at my watch again.
Six forty seven.
Motherfucker!
"Can you please pass me the newspaper, Dr Cullen?" I asked Carlisle quietly. He passed it without word, looking at me seriously. I knew what he was telling me with his eyes and the slight frown that plagued his lips, but I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't act like I was ecstatic about meeting my father, because I wasn't.
We sat in the hospital lobby cafe with instant coffee and stale cake tainting our taste buds. Carlisle shifted in his seat with unease. This whole affair was so awkward it could be comical.. Almost. I picked up my fork and stabbed my piece of orange and poppy seed cake, desperate to do anything involving moment. I flicked through the pages of the today's paper, not taking in the printed words before me. Charlie cleared his throat and started to speak to me. I was instantly drawn in by his rich, yet rough tenor vocals. I could tell from the few minutes that we have been together that he was a man of few words.
Six fifty.
"I have been waiting for this moment for sixteen years. I can't believe that god has answered my prayers."
I had also been waiting for this moment for so many years – so why was I suddenly afraid of my father, my flesh and blood? I was identical to Charlie in many ways. Edward wasn't kidding when he said I was a spitting image of him. I had his curly brown hair and stained pink cheeks, his narrow, straight nose and heart shaped face. I even had the same random splatter of freckles on the bridge of my nose, too. I had his doe brown eyes and full lips. I shared his quiet, thoughtful nature and serious facial expressions. Did I inherit anything from my mother? A quick scan in my mind came up almost empty. Didn't surprise me at all. When I was a child I used to wonder if I was adopted, because not only did I look nothing like her, my personality was completely opposite to hers. I put down my paper and exhaled through my nose.
"But you left, Mr Swan." I said flatly.
Carlisle was staring at Charlie intently. I didn't have to be a shrink to know what that look said. He gave me that exact look every time I felt hopeless or isolated. It was his I-believe-you-can-do-this look. I sighed and put down my fork. I wished that Edward was sitting beside me and holding my hand, whispering in my ear that I could do this. I wished that Alice and all her tiny glory was here to slap me and yell at me to face my demons. It all seemed easy to just talk to him in retrospect, but now I was staring my father in my eye and I never wanted to run away so strongly in my entire life. I wasn't angry anymore, but extremely scared. I wouldn't let him in so he could walk out again. That would devastate me.
"You left me when I was too young to beg you to stay. You know my mother has been married five times after she married you? She's engaged again, actually scratch that. The nut case is on her honeymoon as we speak. Husband number seven. Needless to say I have gone through step fathers like underwear, Mr Swan. I have never had a father figure, nor do I intend for that to change now." It was like word vomit. I couldn't stop the words from spilling out.
"Do you expect me to grovel on my knees and beg you not to leave again? Because that won't happen. I'm sorry, but it won't. I have looked at my mother and wondered what she thought of me every time she looked at me, knowing that I was the evidence, living proof of a man that left her with a toddler. Why did you leave? How could you leave and not once try to find me if I apparently meant so much to you?"
"What the hell has that woman told you?" He interrupted my external monologue.
"That woman has done a hell of a lot more for me than you ever have! If you've come here just to bad mouth my mother, I won't have any of it – even if she does deserves it."
I didn't know why I was standing up for Renee. Maybe I wanted to pick a fight with this man. Maybe I enjoyed watching him squirm under my vehement stare. Charlie took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. He was turning red in the face and his shoulders were shaking with his fury.
Another thing you inherited from him.
I growled and folded my arms across my chest. Carlisle put his hand on his shoulder, whispering something to him that specifically wasn't for my ears.
Six fifty nine.
Hell, now that my rant had started, why should I stop now?
"And you," I addressed Carlisle, jabbing a finger in his direction. "Why the fuck didn't you just leave it alone? I don't give a flying fuck whether he is your best friend or not. I don't even have the same last name. I know nothing about him!"
"What?" Charlie slammed his hand on the already unstable desk. Coffee spilled from our drinks and onto the table. My fork fell off my plate and crashed to the floor. Several people looked in our direction curiously. I was stunned into silence. Carlisle immediately grabbed napkins from the dispenser and wiped away the evidence of Charlie's anger.
"Charlie, you need to calm down. Have a smoke, take a walk, but I won't have you upset Bella." Carlisle said firmly. My anger toward Carlisle washed away immediately, but I still had unanswered questions. I raised my eyebrow, urging him to answer my questions. "You really need to hear both sides of the story, Bella."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Please be reasonable, Bella. You're being awfully stubborn right now."
I snorted with repugnance. Personally, I thought I was handling the situation how any one else would if they were in my position. Carlisle was really beginning to push his luck. I had agreed to come and speak to him, didn't I? I thought if anything, I was dealing with all of this bullshit quite well considering my past.
"Why are you here, Mr Swan?"
His words were all sloppy and he struggled to piece together a coherent sentence for several seconds. He looked at me like I had grown three heads – something I was very used to already. Had to be a record though.
Seven oh nine.
Wow, it is a record. He already thinks I'm crazy and it hasn't even been a hour. You've outdone yourself, Bella.
"I wanted to see you. There hasn't been a day that has passed that I haven't thought about you. Where you are, what you'd be..."
"Well you know the answer to two of those thoughts now. I'm in Seattle and I'm insane. Anything else you want to know about?"
"You don't have my last name?" Charlie finally asked quietly. He was taking deep breaths and speaking through gritted teeth. I groaned mentally, not wanting to speak to this man anymore. I sunk deeper into my seat, wishing it would swallow me whole. I should be so lucky.
"No. I never have."
"What name have you taken?"
"Not taken, given. Fowler. Bella Fowler."
Charlie growled and looked away from us. Tears fell from his face. My hands itched to engulf my father in a hug but my mind knew better. I couldn't trust this man. He left me before, so he'd probably do it again. But why did it hurt so much to see him in pain? I was seriously conflicted and didn't know how to clarify things.
"That's the biggest "fuck you" of all. Fowler? Another marriage, I assume." He said to himself, wiping away his tears. Charlie looked like he aged another ten years in our short conversation.
"It's on my birth certificate. Fowler is mom's maiden name. You should know that."
"Fowler isn't her last name, Bella. It's Higgenbotham."
"What on earth are you talking about?"
Charlie was wiping tears away with a napkin, mumbling things I couldn't hear. Carlisle, without uttering a single word passed me a hefty file. It was thick and had paper clips and staples sticking out. I instantly recognized his crisp handwriting on the cover. I looked down at it wide eyed and back to him again. He was letting me look at his notes? What exactly was I meant to be looking for? And what the hell was Charlie talking about? Of course Fowler was Renee's last name! Am I the only one that wasn't crazy right now?
Wow, that's rich.
Shut up, inner monologue.
"What exactly am I looking for? I'm not really sure I understand what's happening here..."
"Just read the first few pages, sweetheart." Carlisle said to me softly. My breathing was so loud it was all I could hear. My hands were clammy and shaking as I slowly opened up the file. I was greeted with two birth certificates. I picked both up in separate hands and compared them.
I tried to laugh, but I couldn't. I was bitter as hell. Was all of this happening so God could have a good old laugh? Couldn't I be granted with just twenty four hours of happiness? Was that too much to ask for? For once, could nothing go to shit? I felt like I was asking for so little and apparently it was too much to be granted.
"What the fuck is this?" I threw the paper's at Carlisle like they were diseased. If I were able to find the energy to throw up, I probably would have right then and there. I felt sick to my stomach. I stood up, ready to leave. I didn't want to hear or read anything else.
"Bella, please, just keep reading." Carlisle said patiently.
I don't know why I listened, but I did. I sat back down and pulled the file closer to me, reading page after page documents, letter's and inquiries to solicitors sent by Charlie. This wasn't my patient file – it was documentation of Charlie's search for me. I eventually found pages photocopies from Charlie's personal diary. I read for what felt like hours...maybe that amount of time did pass. The only sound coming from the table was the occasional ruffling of pages and gasps coming from my mouth. I blinked back my tears, sick to death of crying, my breath choking in my chest. I struggled to read Charlie's horrific handwriting, but hung on to each word in blotchy ink like it was the oxygen my shrivelling lungs desperately needed.
19 June 1993,
I went to Chicago for my mother's funeral. I was walking through the busy streets with my luggage in hand, searching for the bus stop. That's when I saw her – Renee. In Chicago of all places! She was briskly walking down the street with a sleeping child in her arms. I didn't see her face, but I recognized her instantly. It was my Isabella. My baby.
I ran after her, struggling with my luggage, yelling her name. When she turned around, I saw something I never expected to see.
Renee's eyes were dead. Lifeless. There was nothing left of the woman I married. Nothing. Before I was able to issue her with a subpoena demanding visitation rights (hell, after that I wanted full custody of Isabella) she told me in a quiet, numb voice that if I ever take Bella away from her, she'd kill her.
I was momentarily frozen, left in shock at her words. She would kill our child? For what purpose? I couldn't decipher it. I lost her in my moment of lost thoughts, realizing that this wasn't about Bella. This was about Renee's past. It was haunting her, and I was afraid she'd take it out on our innocent daughter who did nothing wrong.
I tried to yell out to my daughter, and for a moment I thought she woke up, looking for me. Maybe she recognized my voice somehow?
I need to find her. Before Renee really damages my baby.
"No." I choked on a sob.
"Bella I'm so sorry you had-"
"No. No. No! She told me... Renee... She told me... he didn't-" I couldn't speak anymore. I was sobbing and gasping for breath. Carlisle put his arm around me and let my cry on his shoulder. This was all too much. Why would Renee lie to me about Charlie? Why would she tell me that he never wanted me and that's why he left?
As much as I wanted to yell at both Carlisle and Charlie, to call them liars, I couldn't. I had physical evidence slapping me in the face. Carlisle knew this would be the only way I would give Charlie a chance... Physical proof. I continued to cry as I flipped back through the court documents, reading his letters to lawyers, the court documents they tried to issue against my mother. The last court document was last year, issued for her arrest.
"You wanted her arrested?" I asked Charlie weakly. He nodded his head slowly. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He didn't know what to do. I could see the conflict in his eyes.
"Bella your mother... Is mentally unstable. For years I have been trying to hunt her down, trying to get you away from her."
Hmm. I guess I was wrong. I did inherit something from my mother – insanity.
"What happened to her... Her past?"
I didn't hear what Charlie said because my eyes found a letter with my name on it. It wasn't Charlie's writing, but Carlisle's crisp script. I picked up the envelope. It was soft against my fingers. I was ready to open the letter when Carlisle put his hands over mine to stop me.
"Not right now, Bella."
"Why?"
"I want you to read that letter after Charlie has left, sweetheart. I just want it to be us two. We'll read it together."
I nodded my head, extremely curious, but patient enough to let it slide for a little longer. I took a deep breath and looked my father in the eyes. I slid my hand across the table, asking him to meet me halfway. He looked down at my outstretched hand and blinked furiously. He was trying not to cry. His rough, calloused fingers graced the top of my hand before he held onto it tightly.
"I'm sorry I was so mean to you." I whispered to him sadly. I really was. I remembered Alice's previous warnings of my mother and it all made sense now. It was things I refused to pick up about her. She was on the run from the law – that's why we constantly moved and she got married so frequently. But the question on my mind was, why did she go to so much trouble to cover her tracks? What was Renee Fow... Higgenbotham really running from?
"I wish I knew." Charlie said. I hadn't realized I'd spoken my thoughts aloud. I believed Charlie. I can't believe he had won me over so quickly... But there was still a long way to go for us. As bad is it may sound, he had to prove himself to me. I didn't want to take down the walls without being one hundred percent sure he wasn't going to leave again. I now believed his story, and I now knew why Edward and Carlisle were on his side. He had no reason to tell lies. Renee, however did, and now she had disappeared off the radar on her honeymoon to Hawaii.
"I want her arrested." Charlie said to Carlisle, his hand still over mine.
Eleven twenty seven
"Oh god," I said loudly, wanting to pull my hair out. I realized something that would change things. "Do any of us know of husband number seven's last last name?"
I watched Charlie's face turn dark purple. A blue vein was throbbing violently on Carlisle's forehead. We didn't know when and if Renee would ever return to Jacksonville. Our only bet was her dropping by to visit me. And even then, she rarely did. Charlie swore loudly and stood up quickly.
"Sue! I didn't realize what the time was. I forgot to tell her I wouldn't be home tonight. She must be worried sick."
"Sue?"
"Oh. Sue is my wife..."
"She doesn't know about me, does she?" I asked him quietly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. This was all so much information to process in one day. I mean, I had only woken up early this morning from a three day coma! I must have been running on adrenaline, and now it was wearing out. I could feel every single muscle in my body aching. I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep. His face softened and he pulled me into a hug. I closed my eyes and let this feeling wash over me.
I was hugging my dad. He never abandoned me. He was torn away from me without choice. He looked for me for all these years. He loved me unconditionally. He spoke into my hair, his breath warm against my scalp. His words made me feel protected. It all felt so real now. He's here. He won't leave again.
"Of course she knows about you. It was one of the first things I said to her. I have a beautiful daughter." He laughed, my body shaking against his. "On days when I felt like giving up the search, she pushed me. She loves you too, Bells."
"But how can she love someone she's never met?"
"She felt like she knew you, Bells. She wanted you to be safe from your mother. She wanted you to be with us, happy and healthy."
"I wouldn't exactly say that I'm healthy... But... I'm happy right now. Are you?"
"You kiddin' me? I haven't felt this happy in sixteen years."
He let go of me reluctantly and looked at Carlisle seriously.
"I don't want to risk her coming back here. If she comes back she could hurt Bella once she finds out she knows everything."
"We'll make sure she's arrested on site immediately. Bella is safe here, Charlie. Remember no one can enter the ward without checking through reception downstairs first."
Charlie muttered something that sounded an awful lot like ducking full mitt. I smiled widely, feeling like a giddy child.
You got his potty mouth, too.
My life would never be the same after today. Events that have happened here would change all of us. To prove to me that he wasn't going to vanish, he gave me all of his contact details, including his home address and work phone number. He told me that he will be here in a heartbeat if I needed him. He was also leaving his documentation with me too. A reminder in case I went back into denial.
"I don't expect you to say it back to me, but I love you, Bells. Someday, I hope you'll love me too."
"It will happen someday, Dad. I promise."
It was midnight by the time Carlisle and I got back to the ward. I wondered how on earth Carlisle got away with me being out so late. I sat on my bed, grinning at the spare bed beside me where a sleeping Edward rested. His body was entangled between the sheets, a peaceful look on his face. He probably barely got away with being able to sleep in here tonight, and would have to move back into his room tomorrow.
Carlisle pulled a chair beside my bed and sat down. Springs squeaked and faux leather moaned into the quiet room. He passed me the letter he wrote to me and I don't know why, but I was terrified. I didn't make any attempt to open it. I just looked at him with wide eyes.
"I don't know if I can handle anything else today." I admitted. He nodded his head, his blue eyes showing nothing but understanding and compassion.
"I completely agree," he said to me. "But I know that if I made you wait until tomorrow you would have my balls in a grinder."
I lowered my voice, afraid to wake Edward up. He needed the sleep. "What time are you leaving here?"
"I'll leave if you need me to once you finish reading the letter."
"Oh." I mouthed.
Now or never, Bella.
I tore through the tissue paper, opening a letter that was nearly two pages long. I let my eyes re-read each word Carlisle wrote to me until I could felt imprinted on my brain. I slowly looked up to him, black dots spotting my vision.
"Do you understand?"
"I... I think so..."
"Are you okay?"
"No. I'm definitely not okay." I said angrily. Renee, my mother, my flesh and blood, took every thing away for me, and for what? Was she satisfied with herself? I bet the sadistic bitch really is, and it repulsed me. I quickly stood up and wanted to hit something. Instead, I started pacing around my room. Carlisle's frantic eyes watched me in worry.
"No more." I said, more to myself than to Carlisle. "I won't let her take anything else away from me."
"Bella-"
"No," I held up a finger and he ceased speaking. I needed to let this out. "God, Carlisle. Today has been too much... Too much for my brain to handle, and yet I am thinking so rationally it scares the hell out of me." I sat down on my bed, sleep beckoning me. I wouldn't give in. Not yet. This was the beginning of the end for me. Could I sleep after a day like today? Probably not.
"But I promise you that if she runs away, Carlisle, I will find her. If it takes the rest of my life, I will... And lord help her, because I won't be held accountable for my actions."
