Part Nine: The Firsties

by Underlined Twice


"Come on! Step lively, chaps!"

"I don't like it down here. It's so… dark and damp."

"Good thing you weren't sorted into Slytherin then, ay?"

"Shut up, Joanna."

"Quiet, all of you! We're almost there."

"Where are we going, again?"

"He's showing us… what was it, Hayden?"

"'The Secret Lives of Professors.' This particular trip is a look into the lives of Professors Snape and Granger."

"That's the one."

"We're going to see P-Professor Snape?"

"Didn't you know? Why are you even on this tour to begin with?"

"Well, Clinton was going, so I just thought…"

"You're such a dweeb, Colin."

"Collins, not Colin!"

"Quiet, Filch is coming!"

"Oh no! We're done for!"

"'Ere now, what's all this about, Mister Torrington?"

"Nothing to get upset over, Mister Filch! I'm just showing the firsties around the castle. Kind of a tour. Pointing out trick steps and such."

"You sure you're not up to anything… suspicious?"

"Why, no! Not at all! Come along, firsties. Quickly, now. We have much to see and less time to see it in."

"…"

"Phew! That was close!"

"I don't like this. We're going to get caught!"

"Oh, be quiet, Collins. We're almost there."

"All right, now I want each and every one of you to be silent. We are approaching the lair of the Snapes. The cave of the Greasy Bat of the Dungeons. We mustn't get caught."

"What does Professor Granger see in him?"

"I don't know, and shut up."

"Okay… o-kay… there! Sonorus summisse. Listen, you'll hear them arguing!"

"…I can't believe you, Severus!"

"It's your cousin. Why should I be forced to suffer?"

"It's not just my cousin, it's one of my closest childhood friends' wedding!"

"So go. Dance. Be merry. Drink 'til you're sloshed up to the gills."

"Severus. I want you to go with me."

"Well, I don't. And I suggest you drop the matter before I get angry with you."

"You can shove that suggestion up your arse! You are going to that wedding with me whether you like it or not!

"She's dead! He's going to kill her, I just know it!"

"Quiet, Collins. No one's going to die. Get seriously maimed, maybe. But no deaths."

"Ssshh! He's saying something!"

"How dare you speak to me like that, you impudent chit! You may be my wife, but I am still the master of this family! What I say goes, and I am not going to that wedding."

"You forget, darling, that I am better at charms than you'll ever be! Imagine what your students would think if they found out what your start-of-term speech was really about! "Foolish wand waving" indeed. And because I am so much more adept at wards than you, dear, you'll rethink your previous statement if you feel like gracing my bed any time soon!"

"I will not let you parade me about your relatives like a prize Shetland pony! Flash your wedding band if you want them to know you finally got a man to marry you. It will save them the trouble of setting you up with unrelated, single dunderheads and me the pain of being stared at by dozens of muggles who wouldn't know a proper potion from a pincushion!"

"See? This is what happens when you marry a muggleborn!"

"Shut up, Joanna."

"I went to all those factually inaccurate seminars about things we learned in first year and the boring lectures about the size of the lip on one's cauldron before we got married. And why? Because they were important to you! This wedding is important to me."

"Because you enjoy seeing me tortured? Why do you feel the need to make me socialize with your disturbingly rodent-like relatives?"

"First off, that's not very nice, and secondly, I'm not talking about my great-aunt Muriel."

"Ah, so you are trying to foist me off onto some unsuspecting relation!"

"It's not like that, Severus."

"Oh, really? Do tell. I'm sure you have a fascinating explanation for all this."

"…It's my cousin Simon."

"Hm, I see. You have a deep loathing for this cousin and instead of hexing him into oblivion, you decide that a more tortuous approach is necessary. You make him talk with me for five minutes instead and he dies from sarcasm and intimidation. Problem solved."

"Don't be an arse, Severus. Simon isn't really my cousin, he just married one of them a while back. They got divorced, but he still lurks about at family functions."

"How does this pertain to me?"

"Well, I'm one of the few females left of my generation who hasn't had a big, flashy wedding. As far as I know, most of the family still thinks I'm single."

"Like I said, Hermione. Show them your wedding ring and leave me out of it!"

"I tried wearing a ring before and it didn't work! Simon still tried to grope—"

"…Hermione?"

"Look, I would really appreciate it if you would come with me to the wedding and help me put Simon in his place once and for all."

"Are you saying that this pseudo-cousin of yours has made unwanted advances and you wish for me to break his wrist if he tries again?"

"Well, yes, I suppose. The bone to be broken is up to you, of course."

"And you couldn't come out and say that instead of ordering me to the wedding? Really, Hermione. I thought you were more intelligent than that."

"…"

"At least you have the decency to look embarrassed by your conduct."

"The threat about the bed still stands, you know."

"Ah, then we shall have to make do without it, won't we?"

"…It has been a while since we got any use out of the hearth rug…"

"Perhaps I can take back that comment about your intelligence as that is a truly intriguing idea…"

"Mmmhh… Severus… wait, stop… just for a second… we wouldn't want any interruptions, hm? Colloportus! Silencio!"

"Finite Incantatem. There, the secret lives of Professors Snape."

"Eew! That's disgusting!"

"I know! How can Snape and Professor Granger… ugh!"

"I'll never be able to look at him again."

"Her either! How can she stand him? He's so… greasy and evil and mean!"

"And did you hear the way she yelled at him? How can she get away with that?"

"I heard she used to be his student. Isn't that creepy?"

"Eew!"

"Okay, firsties. You can talk about this as you walk. No sense in loitering in the corridor. Be sure to come back next week for the Secret Life of Professor McGonagall! Same time and price!"


Author's Notes:

I liiiiiiive! I've been wanting to write this one for a while. The argument was a little bit tough to get through, but I just finished a chapter of Base Noir so I'm still in Pietro-writing-mode and he's more like Draco than Severus. But no matter! It was still fun.

Thanks to… Ella Mae, The Creatress, KarlaMarie, Pickled Princess, akila-vilya and sportyhotchick (I think this last one was a compliment. How hard is it to vomit and laugh at the same time?).