I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
-Chapter Nine
"Naruto!"
"I didn't do it, Rumiko!" Naruto looked around the room he was currently occupying and rubbed his tired eyes. To his relief, Rumiko was not currently looming over him. "Ah, just a dream." Then Naruto's door burst open.
"Damn it, are you ever. . ." Kaori trailed off as a senbon damned near lobotomized her. She turned slowly and stared at the silver spike embedded in the doorframe. "Wow, you are good." Naruto considered pointing out that he had missed, but decided against it.
"Yeah, let's go with that." Kaori's head snapped around and she glared at him.
"Wait, did you just try to kill me?"
"Uh. . .no?"
"You did!" The covers beside Naruto flipped down and Sakura sat up.
"Shut up, Kaori!" The genin's jaw shut with a click that was audible from where Naruto was.
"Sorry, Sensei," the girl managed to squeak. "I'll just be going now." She tried to slide the door shut and frowned. "The door's stuck."
"What?"
"The door's stuck," Kaori repeated. "Naruto pinned it open with his damned poker." A pair of groggy, green eyes turned to glare at Naruto.
"In my defense, I was trying to nail her medulla oblongata."
"Ah-ha! You did try to kill me!"
"Shut up!"
"Sorry." Sakura glared at her student a second more before collapsing back on the bed.
"Fuck it. I'm too hung over to deal with this."
(:ii:)
"So," Kaori began.
"Shut up Kaori," Sakura ordered without lifting her head from the table. "One word and I will end you."
"Right," Kaori squeaked. Beside Sakura, Naruto simply continued putting away his third bowl of ramen.
"Well, this is familiar," a new voice stated. Sakura looked up and stared at the scarred man standing across the table from her. "Only, the last time Rumiko was the drunk."
"Who the hell are you?" Sakura demanded.
"That's my buddy, Nanbu," Naruto explained through a mouthful of noodles.
"That's right, just your buddy Nanbu," the old man grumbled. "I get no respect from anybody around here; I don't know why I'd expect it from you."
"Nanbu, this is my old teammate Sakura and her genin team."
"Nice to meet you," Sakura managed through her pain. God, she hadn't had a hangover like this in years.
"Is it?" Nanbu asked. "You look distinctly unwell."
"Hey, wait!" Kaori interrupted. "You're the Tsuchikage!"
"The Tsuchikage?" Sakura repeated.
"Yeah," the old man stated. He glanced around Sakura's table and his face paled. "Oh God, there are two of you." It took Sakura's muddled mind a moment to figure out what he was talking about. Fortunately, Haruka was a bit quicker.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing!" Kaori snapped. "I didn't kick him in the shin."
"You kicked the Tsuchikage in the shin?" Sakura asked.
"Damn it," Kaori gritted.
"You aren't exactly the brightest one here, are you?" Nanbu asked.
"Nah, but that's probably why I get along with her so well," Naruto pointed out. "So, what's up Stumpy?"
"I hate you so much," Nanbu growled. "I'd send every assassin I had after you if I thought it would do anything."
"You mean, you haven't been?" Naruto asked, sounding rather wounded.
"What?"
"I've had a bunch of assassins swing by lately," Naruto stated. "I kinda thought they were from you. It was kind of nice, sorta like "Hey, thinking of you. Still wishing you were dead."
"Well, Jesus, if it means that much to you, I'll send an assassin tomorrow."
"You don't have to," Naruto replied forlornly.
"No, I want to, really." Nanbu stared at Sakura's teammate for a long time. "You have got to be the weirdest motherfucker I have ever met, bar none."
"Thanks," Naruto replied, sounding genuinely touched. "I guess I can execute all those guys now."
"You imprisoned assassins because you thought they were mine?" Nanbu asked.
"I was going to give them to you for Christmas!" Naruto stated cheerfully.
"Excuse me," Sakura interrupted, "is there any particularly good reason why you're trying to kill me teammate?"
"Yes," Nanbu stated calmly, "he slaughtered over two hundred and fifty of my fellow villagers." Sakura turned and stared at Naruto in shock.
"Oh, come on," the blond whined and Sakura let out a sign of relief. This was Naruto! Of course he wouldn't. . ."you're making it sound like I killed innocent civilians. I killed your ninja." Naruto seemed to notice Sakura's stare. "What? We've gone over this before and I have a distinct feeling that we're glossing over the whole invasion of a foreign country for loot and plunder thing. In that case I feel the need to reiterate, I killed invading soldiers, so I'm still the good guy here."
"You killed two hundred and fifty. . ."
"More like two hundred and sixty something, but who's counting?" Naruto asked.
"I was," Nanbu stated dryly.
"Other than him," Naruto added without missing a beat.
(:ii:)
"So, what's eating you Stumpy?"
"A little birdie told me that you were planning on hanging around here," Nanbu replied.
"Aaah, you sound like you don't want me around," Naruto replied with a pout.
"While I always welcome the leaders of foreign villages I am allied with, whether I had a choice or not in the alliance, I would very much like to. . .why are you making that face?" Naruto grimaced and glanced at Sakura, but the sudden revelation of his position didn't even raise an eyebrow.
"What?" the pink-haired woman asked. "Oh, sorry. Was I supposed to be surprised here?"
"When did you figure it out?" Naruto asked.
"A while ago," Sakura stated. "You aren't a great liar, Naruto."
"You know, some people consider honesty a valued trait," the blond grumbled.
"Those people aren't ninja," Sakura pointed out.
"Nor are they in politics," Nanbu added.
"You two suck."
"Wait, Naruto's the Yukikage?" Kaori shrieked.
"You didn't know?" Satomi asked.
"I have no idea how you got through the academy," Haruka added.
"As I was saying," Nanbu stated before Haruka and Kaori could start bickering, "I want you gone now, before you break anything or anyone."
"Well, it's a long way to Fire and everybody voted to rest," Naruto stated. "Unless you can fly us there, we're crashing here for a little while."
"How about a train instead?" Nanbu asked.
"Your train tracks aren't finished," Naruto stated.
"That's what we've been telling everyone," Nanbu replied smugly.
"Well, I guess I have to kill my chief spy in this village," Naruto grumbled. "So, where does this train end?"
"The boarder of Grass Country and Fire Country," Nanbu replied. "Grass Country was most enthusiastic about our benevolent choice to help their infrastructure by building railroads."
"I'll bet they were," Naruto commented. "Make it real easy in the next war. Of course, those tracks are going to attract demo and sabotage teams like ticks to a dog."
"Well, that's Grass's problem," Nanbu replied with a shrug.
"What next war?" Sakura asked suddenly.
"You know, the next war," Naruto replied vaguely.
"What next war?" Sakura repeated. "There aren't any wars going on right now."
"There are two civil wars, four ethnic cleansings, and three coup attempts going on right now," Naruto stated. "Of course, those are in minor countries that you've never heard of, so who cares?"
"Thought there were four coups," Nanbu commented.
"The rebels in Moss Country got Fire Country's backing," Naruto stated.
"Didn't Moss have a kind, benevolent daimyo?" Nanbu asked.
"And now they have a genocidal dictator, but he's friendly to Fire Country, so it's all good," Naruto answered.
"You both know that's not what I meant," Sakura growled.
"Yeah, we do," Nanbu agreed. "As for the next war; well, there's always a next war. I don't know any specifics, but I do know its coming."
"Why does another major war have to be coming?" Satomi asked. "The last war was supposed to end that kind of global conflict."
"And the war before that was supposed to do the same thing," Naruto commented. "Anyways, in order to avoid a whiny Nietzsche rant about how bad people are and how pointless it all is, I'm just going to say that the economies of all the elemental countries depend on wars. It's kind of hard to run a country on C and D-rank mission pay."
"Nietz-who?" Kaori asked.
"Some dude who people quote to make themselves sound smart," Naruto explained.
"Like Machiavelli," Sakura added.
"Macha-velli-what?" Naruto asked.
"The guy you've based your entire leadership principle off," Nambu replied. "You know, 'It's better to be feared, than loved,' and the whole idea that nothing is immoral if it protects the balance of a state?"
"I like him already," Naruto commented with a bright grin.
"Now back to the topic. While I hate agreeing with Mister Fox, he is most certainly right," Nanbu agreed. "The world used to be different, but now our economies revolve around war more than any other product."
"That's a horrible way of putting it," Sakura growled.
"The world is a horrible place," Nanbu replied.
"I don't know, I kind of like it," Naruto argued.
"That proves my point," Nanbu stated.
"Dick."
"Anyway, while it's been lovely chatting, I really do want you gone," Nanbu commented. "When can you leave?"
"When can the train be ready?" Naruto asked.
"It's ready now." The door to the inn opened and a young ninja walked in. He quickly made his way to the Tsuchikage and whispered something in the scarred man's ear. "What?"
"Problem?" Sakura asked.
"The train was stolen," Nanbu stated.
"I didn't do it," Naruto replied automatically. Nanbu glared at him. "What? I didn't. It sounds like something I'd do, but it really wasn't me this time."
"Wait here, I'm getting your ass out of my country if I have to drive you out on a handcart myself!"
(:ii:)
"So, when did you figure it out?" Naruto asked as he sipped a cup of sake. The genin had gone upstairs to pack their belongings.
"I got a might suspicious when Rumiko nearly tripped over her own feet when you introduced her as the Yukikage," Sakura commented. "She also doesn't strike me as the type to have such a messy office, or to paint the walls orange." Naruto grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head.
"If you've known my secret all along, what was last night about?"
"Can't it be about drinking with old friends?" Sakura asked. Naruto wasn't impressed, his raised eyebrow said so. "Fine." The pinkette turned and met his eye. "You are horrible at lying," she stated, "but I've never seen anyone better at twisting the truth."
"Ah, I should have known not to play with a woman. You and your ilk will always be the masters and myself a humble amateur."
"And you try to distract me," Sakura added. "Every time I try to talk to you about the past, you open your mouth and the truth comes out, but I can always tell that it's not the entire truth." Naruto pulled back in surprise. "You can fool all those people in your village, or maybe you don't even bother trying with them, but you can't fool me, Naruto. We were teammates once and we were friends." Naruto had to smile.
"Not anymore?" he asked.
"I don't know, Naruto. Are we?"
"I told you I'd tell you when we got to the village," Naruto stated.
"I guess you'll have to come up with a new lie pretty quick, huh?" Sakura pressed. "It looks like you won't have as much time as you thought." Naruto's eye ticked.
"You won't like the truth," he commented.
"Maybe not, but I hate lies," Sakura replied.
"What's wrong with lies?" Naruto asked. "All good and lasting things in this world have a strong foundation in lies. Your whole world is based on lies. If the truth were to ever come out, everything would fall apart. I never could comprehend why you people couldn't understand that and go with it."
"Trust doesn't come from lies," Sakura pointed out.
"Trust comes from belief," Naruto corrected. "You trust your friends because you believe in them. You trust a liar to lie because you believe he will. You don't trust a traitor to help you because you can't believe that he won't betray you again no matter what he says. It's all about belief."
"So, what can I believe in you to do, Naruto?"
"You can believe in me to do exactly what I think is best to keep me most amused," Naruto stated seriously. Sakura stared at him blankly until the door to the inn burst open. "Find the train?"
"Nope!" Nanbu replied. "I got a new one! No expense spared. . .to kick you the hell out."
"You know, I'm actually a pretty fun guy to be around when you get to know me," Naruto replied.
"And when you aren't directly or indirectly killing my ninja," Nanbu commented. Naruto just grinned and poured himself a new saucer of sake.
"So any ideas what happened to that damn train?"
"According to most of my people, it 'vanished."
"Trains don't vanish," Naruto pointed out. "At least, I don't have any vanishing trains. Do you?"
"I think R&D is trying to cook something like that up, but I don't really pay attention to their presentations any more," Nanbu replied. "At least, not since they couldn't figure out a way of killing you."
"Cut them a break. Better men than them have tried," Naruto replied as he poured another saucer. "And I'm still here."
(:ii:)
"I can't believe we just stole a train."
"Shut up Yui," Rumiko ordered.
"Oh come on, this is just such a Naruto thing to do," Yui continued cheerfully.
"She has a point," Yasu stated, "for once. I mean, what would the Boss say?"
"Before or after the hysterical giggling and claims that all is going to plan in his corruption of everyone's sanity?" Rumiko asked dryly. "Besides, the train was just sitting there ready to go. I consider it a sign from some higher power."
"I'm serious though," Yui continued, "we're just walking along and we come upon a train. You ask one of the guys if it's ready to go and when he says yes, you beat the shit out of him and all his cronies. Then you tell us to get on. That is the definitive Naruto."
"I'm kind of worried that those assholes are going to recognize you as Naruto's aide," Yasu commented. "Far be it from me to stop an international incident, but don't you think the Boss would be kind of pissed to not be involved in an act of war. . .for once?"
"Two things," Rumiko replied. "The first, their eyes never left Yui's tits. The second, I don't think they're going to run back to their boss and tell him that a girl beat them up."
"What do you think they'll tell him?" Yui asked.
"They'll probably say the train vanished or something stupid like that," Rumiko answered. She glanced at Yasu. "So, you're sure you know how to drive this thing?"
"Well, I was railing this female conductor," Yasu replied. "Get it? Railing? Female conductor?"
"Yeah," Rumiko replied dryly. "We get it. Now can you drive this damn this?"
"I got it moving didn't I?" Yasu asked proudly.
"You did, but can you make it stop moving?" Rumiko asked.
"Heh." Yasu's bright grin was not reassuring.
"We're all going to die, aren't we?" Yui asked.
"Well, probably not all of us," Yasu replied. "I, for one, fully intend to jump off this damn thing at the first sign of a cliff."
"Yeah, we're probably all going to die," Rumiko agreed. "Even if I have to nail Yasu to the floor."
"I'm going to start looking for that brake now," Yasu stated.
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Well, it's been a while now, hasn't it? Sorry about the delay. Having a job that you have to get up for at zero dark thirty kind of kills your plans. Once you're off, all you want to do is sleep and once the nap's over, it's almost time to go to sleep for the next day. Oh well, at least they pay good.
You know, I'm getting a real Three Stooges vibe from Rumiko, Yasu and Yui. I think I'm probably going to run with it.
As for everybody who just can't wait to get to the Village Hidden in the Leaves, relax. It's coming. As for everybody wondering if Naruto really is a monster or full of shit, relax. It's coming too. Suddenly, violently, and all over the place.
P.S. Despite all the time, I'm trying to proof read this tired and partially drunk, so there are bound to be mess ups. Not an excuse, but. . .actually, fuck it. That is an excuse.
