Who wants some unashamed blatant smut? Well you're in luck.


Kyle was greeted by the pleasant surprise of Cartman's tongue in his mouth when he got in from work. Cartman gripped his butt eagerly as he said ecstatically, "She says she's cool with it."

"Who, Addie?"

"Hella yeah, says it's fine," Cartman grinned as he opened Kyle's shirt buttons and found the most delectable part of his neck, just above the dip of his clavicle.

"Wait!" Kyle pulled back. "Did she say fine or cool?"

"What's the difference?"

"With women? Everything."

"That's so sexist, Kahl. I'm telling Wendy on you."

"Okay, I mean guys do it too but trust me, fine doesn't necessarily mean fine." He'd heard 'fine' enough times from his wife over the years to know the many levels of emotion it could specify. She was 'fine' about her parents' divorce. She was 'fine' that her half-sister hadn't spoken to her for years. She was 'fine' that Kyle's mother had to comment on the way she looked all the time.

But he had to admit this was nice to come home to and he soon overcame his anxiety and kissed Cartman back. "Cartman," he mumbled against his lips.

"Mm?"

"Should still rein it back a bit. She is only eight, and there's nothing more gross then watching your parents getting all…"

"Lascivious?"

Kyle laughed. "Bit too fancy a word for us."

"Horny…" Cartman whispered back, low and soft in his ear. Kyle shivered at both the term and sensation and quickly gave in to a brief groping whilst the coast was clear.

They tried to stay PG for the rest of the night and cuddled together chastely on the couch watching Addie destroy whatever monsters she was destroying. Kyle had lost track of the plot in his game and didn't recognise any of them. She was many levels beyond where he'd left it.

Then it was the usual preparations for bedtime. Kyle read a disturbing passage from Addie's book and decided he might have to have a word with her father about her choices of reading material. She was soon tucked in and he joined Cartman in the bathroom to brush his teeth. "Hotel's booked for tomorrow," Cartman confirmed.

"Good, I talked to Stan and Wendy. They can't wait."

"Ah," Cartman sighed enviously, "the misplaced optimism of hippies."

"Shut up Cartman, they'll have a great time." Kyle yanked him over and tantalized him with a lewd expression. "And so will we."


They just about made it to Kyle's bed, stripping silently and wincing at every creak of the bed frame. It was stupidly risky and they only had to wait 22 hours, or maybe even hope to wake up in the middle of the night again, but that was assuming they were thinking with their heads and that part of the body had long clocked out.

Kyle was a little thrilled to work out that Cartman was taking a backseat tonight letting Kyle explore him instead and not stopping him when his mouth found itself on his inner thigh and began to move centrally. After years of demands, Kyle was finally sucking his balls and Cartman practically gnawed his fist off trying to dissipate his need to yell. Kyle didn't help matters when one hand manoeuvred its fingers around his cock and the other dug into his thigh. Cartman was going to have to up his game tomorrow and made a mental note to make good on his promise.

He was going to make Kyle scream.

For now, he took to pulling Kyle up to straddle his lap, curling his fingers around their dicks, amused by Kyle's frustrated grunts that he couldn't jounce on his thighs like his body wanted. They were already noisier than Cartman was comfortable with and they finished as soon as they could, sooner than they would have liked.

Kyle stayed in his lap for awhile, head nestled in the crook of his neck. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but neither wanted to move, enjoying the heat and intimacy of the position, how easy it was to fractionally tilt their head and place a loving kiss somewhere, anywhere, on one another.

"Cartman," Kyle finally murmured into his chest.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know."

Kyle quirked his lip. "Did you just Han Solo me?"

"Maybe."

"Douche." That gave Kyle an idea that he squirreled away for the moment. Then he remembered something else. "Hey, why wouldn't you let me suck you before? That first night."

"Truth is I was waiting on an STD result. Finally got it this morning. Guys I'm usually with aren't exactly fans of condoms. I get a test every time I'm home."

"Wow, look at you. So responsible."

"Yeah well, I already gave you AIDS once." They both laughed at the memory. They were lucky enough that it was just a memory.

"So you been with a lot of guys? How many?"

Cartman looked up at the ceiling for a moment.

"Well?"

"Hang on, I'm counting."

"Seriously?" Kyle gawked at him.

"What? Oh I get it; a fatass like me can't possibly get laid that often. I'll have you know I'm in high demand."

"No I just… Cartman, are you a prostitute? It's okay if you are."

He laughed wildly and had to muffle himself in Kyle's shoulder for a moment. "Oh man I wish. Nah I'm… an errand boy. Just sometimes those errands involve sex."

"And pharmacies."

"I'm a dodgy bastard, what can I say? Not like I can walk into a normal job interview and get hired with my current resume."

"Knowing you, you could sweet-talk your way into any job, no qualifications needed."

"Maybe I'll try that one day." If he could convince B.J. to let him go. At least with his new boss, Addie wasn't a bargaining chip. He was quite fond of her, the few times they met. Kyle was a different story. If Cartman stayed, he wasn't safe. More reasons to leave.

And yet he was still here, wasn't he? For all his bitching about having to go, Cartman was becoming more and more domesticated. Kyle had broken him in like a colt. He wasn't sure how to feel about that until he felt Kyle try to slip out of his arms and he tightened his grip reflexively. Kyle gently rebuked him, "Cartman, we can't sleep like this." He reluctantly let Kyle go and they curled up on their sides, Cartman protectively spooning him.

Just a few more days of this, I need just a few more days of this, please.


A few hours after Cartman's new boss achieved his position, he was called in to see him. The nature of their work meant that he had no formal office so they met at a motel just outside of South Park. Cartman left Addie with his mother, had taken a long time lingering around when he said goodbye, just in case.

"Eric, good evening."

"Boss," he nodded.

"You know, Eric I can't help but feel my father's death was a little premature."

"That's how suicide works."

The Boss laughed, "Well you're as gauche as he said you'd be. And as cute."

Cartman scoffed. "You don't have to flirt. I'm all yours, as is customary."

"Nice to know. And while I'm sure you're not stupid enough to admit that you were the last to see my father alive, that you know how to handle a gun, and that you've gotten away with murder before…" He pushed his glasses back up his nose "…I'd like to thank you anyway. I was more than a little fed up waiting for that fossil to give me what I deserve."

"Well if I did admit any of those things, I'd also have to admit that I'm glad I was useful. If I was admitting anything. Which I'm not." Cartman took a step back when the Boss approached him with open arms. He wasn't letting his guard down just yet.

"Eric," he smiled and pulled him down into a kiss. "I think we're going to be good friends."


Cartman thought it best to stay in the car. Couldn't quite bring himself to perform the actual act of abandoning his daughter, especially with hippies. He could still feel the small imprint of her hand in his as Kyle had led her away from the car. He could see him now, over at Stan's front door, chatting excitedly with him. Addie had gone inside with barely a look back.

Oh God, she felt abandoned and he was the worst father to ever exist. He head-butted the steering wheel as punishment.

At the front door, Kyle was blissfully unaware of Cartman's emotional crisis. "Thanks again for taking Addie for the night."

"Yeah about that. You said you wanted to give them both respite. But…"

"What?"

Stan took a breath, decided to ask the question that had been plaguing him for the last few days, even if it was none of his business. Kyle was still his Super Best Friend. He could tell him anything, should tell him anything, right? "Well, when two adults want time alone away from kids it's usually… well they're trying to… oh Jesus, are you fucking Cartman?"

Kyle supposed he should be embarrassed. He was fucking another guy, an old friend, someone that he'd always had a mixed relationship with, but he felt so collected when he simply answered, "Yes."

"Are you in love with him?"

That made him feel less sure. Not of his feelings, but of giving the answer. He swallowed, ears turning pink, and said, "So much. Dude, I've… never felt like this."

"Really, because you were loving it up with your ex-wife only a month ago." Kyle flinched at the accusation, and hugged his arms when Stan continued on, "Look, I'll admit my bias. I'm not Cartman's biggest fan, and honestly I always hated when you guys left me out of stuff when we were kids. Not that I want to join in now, definitely not." They laughed, the tension thinning somewhat. "I'm just worried this is a rebound. You've lost your wife and with that the possibility of a family and then Cartman shows up with his daughter. Seems too convenient."

Instant family, just add water. Kyle knew what he was getting at.

But Kyle hadn't been dramatising when he said he never felt like this before. Everything with Cartman had been new and exciting, but equally comforting and familiar. A good kind of unpredictable compared with his old ways. And a lot like home. South Park hadn't felt like home until now.

He couldn't spout all that at Stan, there was enough gay going on here.

"Does he love you back?" Stan added as an afterthought.

"Since school."

"Wow, I owe Kenny ten bucks then." They snickered again. Kenny would be fucking thrilled over all this. They had to try and find him sometime. Token told them at the party that he had last scouted him near Vegas. Their jubilation wound down as Kyle realised they were going to be late for their dinner reservation. He excused himself, but then Stan tapped his shoulder, "Wendy has some advice for you, if you need it."

"Advice?"

"It sounds counterproductive, but push out when you're doing anal. Opens you up more."

Kyle covered his ears. "Dude! I don't need to hear that." Actually he did, that was helpful. "Hey, Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe that was why you weren't getting pregnant."

"Oh my God, dude," Stan howled with laughter. Cartman glared at them from the car, getting impatient with their palling around, which turned to fury when Stan decided to torment him further by pecking Kyle on the cheek. "Have fun, Super-Bestie!"

Kyle wiped his face and went back to the car where Cartman was seething. He started the car. "The fuck was that?"

"Super Best Friend Kiss of No-Homo, we do it all the time," he winked.

"Better be all you do."

"I can't believe you're still jealous of Stan. I'm not interested. And he's married so there's that."

Yeah well, so are you, Cartman thought, turning off towards the hotel.


The hotel was okay, adequate for their needs – they were just fucking and sleeping after all. Cartman strolled to the reservation desk and exchanged details with the receptionist. She stared at him for a few seconds before squeaking, "Eric Cartman? Seriously?"

"Uh yeah, that's what I just said."

"It's me!" she squeaked again.

"Uh…"

"Bebe Stevens." He knew the name but he didn't recognise her at all. She scowled, knowing exactly why he hadn't been able to identify her by sight. "I had a breast reduction."

He snapped his fingers. "That's what's different!"

"Did anyone even look at my face before now?"

"Sorry girl but I'm gay as they get and even I couldn't help staring at those tig ol' bitties."

"Well you're still the same tactless asshole at least." She looked past him. "Is that Kyle Broflovski?"

"Yup."

She looked at their king-size bed single room reservation on the computer, then back at Cartman, then at Kyle, and Bebe's smile grew wider with every dot she connected. "Here's the key to your room, Mr. Cartman." Her hand was already quivering over her cell phone, ready to hit social media the second they were gone.

"Great," Cartman grumbled when he rejoined Kyle at the elevator.

"What's wrong?

"That's Bebe Fucking Stevens over there."

"Really? She looks different somehow."

"Might look it, but isn't. The whole of South Park's gonna know we're fucking by morning, and all of Colorado by the weekend."

"That such a bad thing?" Kyle asked before his ex-wife's face flashed into his mind. Shit.


"So…" Kyle began. "Stan at work?" Wendy nodded and thus continued the silent awkwardness as they stood in the middle of the apartment. He scratched his shaved head. It looked so awful but Wendy had politely not commented. "How should we uh… organise this?" he began again.

"He didn't want to be around."

"What? Oh." She was answering his previous question. "Yeah, I get that. Anyway I brought some sample bottles from work. They're sterilised already." Technically he stole them. He'd only been at the pharmacy a few months. He didn't really care if he was caught.

"Right well, you can use the bathroom. I'll be in the hall. How will I know when you're um… finished?"

He squinted. He couldn't exactly shout down the hall. Her neighbours were nosy as hell. Would wonder what this was all about. But neither of them could bring themselves to interact after something like this. It wouldn't feel right, doing that and then waving goodbye like it was all part of everyday life.

She sensed his furthering discomfort. "Maybe I should wait outside on the fire escape."

"Sure? It's kinda cold out." It was only April.

"You really want me in the apartment?" She had a point. It would only serve to make an uncomfortable situation even worse. "It's fine."

It sooo wasn't fine.

"Wait in the hall where it's warm. I'll text you."

"Okay. Well…" Good luck? That was a stupid thing to say but it was all she could think of. Jacking off into a pot wasn't necessarily difficult. But then he was under pressure.

Kyle was thinking good luck too, but it was more apt to her case. "Wendy…"

"Yes?"

"If it doesn't work… and you want to try again…"

She smiled, still not quite looking at him. But then neither was he. "Thank you," she said and left Kyle to his 'job'.


Cartman showered and wrapped himself in the complementary robe, then Kyle headed for his turn in the bathroom. "Back soon. Got a surprise for you."

"If you come out in women's lingerie I'm gonna lose all respect for you."

"You had any in the first place? And don't act like you wouldn't love it," Kyle grinned. Cartman chuckled and poured a little cheap champagne for them – he could afford to have one glass even if he didn't officially drink anymore. He was still jittery. He looked out of the window, could just about see the road to Stan and Wendy's place. He felt better about that.

Cartman was flicking through the channels idly when Kyle came out in his own robe and joined him on the bed, taking the proffered glass from Cartman. A few sips later and he decided he wanted something tastier and sat astride Cartman's lap. "So what do you want to do?" Kyle queried.

"I thought maybe we could kiss a little, then a lot, then a whole lot more."

Kyle smirked as they began to do just that. "Anything else?"

"Maybe a sixty-nine? Get my tongue back in that cute little hole of yours."

"Sounds good. Then what?"

"I dunno. Smoke break?"

Kyle hit him playfully. "Are you really not going to say it?"

"Say what?"

"That you want to fuck me."

"That is fucking."

"You know what I mean." Kyle shifted their enrobed dicks together. "Real fucking." Cartman almost threw him off the bed he jumped up so fast. "Cartman? What's wrong?"

"No-nothing, I er… you're seriously?"

"Yeah. You don't want to?" Kyle looked crushed but Cartman had to shake his head. "Why not?"

Why not was an excellent question. For years Cartman had imagined exactly this: Kyle asking to be fucked. Countless nights spent fogging up his windows, lying on his bed as he jerked himself dry. And maybe if Kyle was a good little Jew in these scenarios, he'd let him fuck back.

But then he'd experienced it. And hated it. Part of why he'd become such an expert on sucking dick. A skilful mouth was often good enough, especially in a rush. Most of the time he got away with it. But some guys were insistent. And not considerate. And in a hurry.

He couldn't do that to Kyle.

"I can't… I don't want to hurt you."

That's kind of cute, Kyle thought. And here he'd honestly thought Cartman was the type to tie him up and try to fuck him with a crucifix. "I might be a virgin in this area but I'm no innocent. I'm prepared for a little discomfort, Cartman."

"You don't understand Kyle; it really fucking hurts. Believe me, I know."

"We could try, and stop if we need to."

"You trust me to stop?"

"Yeah. If you say you know what it's like then yeah. I think you'd stop."

Cartman sighed, picking up some more champagne to steady his nerves. "Sorry. Can't do it."

"Okay," Kyle sighed back. "Obviously I can't force you. Just seems a waste of an enema."

"Fuck," Cartman yelped as he accidentally snorted his champagne in shock. "Stop… cough… saying shit… like that… when I'm… cough…"

Kyle felt bad laughing at him but he couldn't help it. "Sorry dude, bad timing." He nudged Cartman. "That looked painful. Worse than milk?"

"Hella yeah, it's worse than milk. Which reminds me, give me back my kidney, you Jew."

"Reach in and get it," he teased and Cartman pouted at him. Kyle stroked his arm. "Okay I'll stop talking about it. But I still want to do stuff, don't you?"

"Mm-hmph." Whatever Cartman was going to say was cut off my Kyle getting back onto his lap and kissing him, hands roaming cautiously as he tried to bring Cartman back on track. "Hang on," Cartman began coughing again.

"Huh?"

"My nose still fucking kills. Time out."

Kyle sighed. So much for an undisturbed night together.


It was the noises Kyle was making; that was what finally persuaded him. After a brief and unattractive expulsion of Cartman's champagne-filled nose into some paper tissues they were finally back in their own little world and Kyle hugged and mouthed at the pillow beneath him whilst Cartman's tongue explored deep inside his ass. He chuckled with pride when he had to hold Kyle forward to stop him riding back on his face.

It was the noises, and Kyle's glazed expression as he looked back over his shoulder at him, bringing his hand to his mouth. The noises and the look and the way he reached back and traced his wet fingers around his hole.

That teasing asshole, teasing his asshole.

Cartman flipped him onto his back and covered him, licking at his mouth and fumbling for the lube he knew he left somewhere nearby but where goddammit. He found it and two fingers were inside Kyle with barely an introduction. There was a wince, a brief one, but Kyle was no stranger to this activity it seemed and Cartman was filled with the satisfying mental image of a past Kyle gripping his cock and fingering his ass in private. Maybe even thinking of him.

Cartman sat up to add a third, wanting to brand the vision into his mind forever of Kyle grasping at his shoulders and spreading his legs in anticipation. It wasn't the best position for a first time, but behind meant he couldn't check that Kyle wasn't hiding any pain from him and on top Cartman didn't trust Kyle not to rush things just to prove a point. Stubborn was his favourite of Kyle's traits. It had always fuelled their 'frivaly'. But it also got them into plenty of trouble.

He hooked Kyle's legs around him and with a soothing kiss began to breach him, agonisingly slow, too slow for Kyle's tastes and he arched Cartman into a thrust. "Kahl," Cartman gasped at the shock of being half inside him so suddenly and Kyle peppered him with reassuring kisses. It really shouldn't be this way round, Cartman half-thought, but was far too interested in being completely buried inside Kyle to worry about roles.

He pushed deeper and finally got his scream. And thankfully, it was the good kind.


Preview for next time:

So Kahl, you've just taken your first cock, how was it?

Didn't feel a thing.

Ay!